WWE Alf
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Nothing is worse, worse than the night he came!
theme song
VKM: I'm gonna be in the garage talking to Paul Heyman!
Shane McMahon: Yeah me too! Who's Paul Heyman?
VKM: He's my friend in Philadelphia.
SM: Dad, can I watch WCW?
VKM: Of course son, enjoy the competition!
Stephanie McMahon (Helmsley): Dad can I talk to Kimberly, when you're done?
VKM: Sure honey!
SMH: Because I want to tell her about my new favorite wrestler.
VKM: New favorite wrestler? What's his name?
SMH: Lash, Lash Leroux.
VKM: Lash? What kind of gimmick does he have?
SMH: You don't approve, do you?
VKM: I don't even know...Lash. ...This is VKM calling Paul E.
Linda McMahon: How are you guys doing?
SMH: Alright, Dad hates Lash!
SM: I'm looking for anyone with WWF t-shirts in the crowd.
LM: Did you find any?
SM: No, but the Nitro girls are on!
LM: Shane! Stop watching that, just go to bed!
SM: I'm in a wrestling mood.
LM: But, that's because you didn't wrestle any of your jobbers!
SM: I don't like wrestling jobbers!
LM: C'mon, did anyone give the Kat anyone to wrestle?
SMH: I'll give her one.
SM: Give her my jobber to wrestle!
LM: The Kat wrestles only other divas!
SM: Boy isn't she lucky.
LM: Can I talk to you for about three minutes?
VKM: Sure.
VKM: "Ouch"
LM: You alright?
VKM: Yeah I guess the CB must've crossed circuits with a short wave.
LM: Ya know, it's not easy being 16.
VKM: I know I'm immature sometimes. But, you know...
LM: I was talking about Stephanie.
VKM: Steph, right... Was there a problem there?
LM: She thinks you hate her favorite wrestler.
VKM: Such a bright girl, I'll talk to her right away! We'll get this thing straightened out. Let me just shut this off.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
VKM: What's that noise? Oh my Billion-dollar company! It's the infrared radio band. It's locked into something over in Atlanta. A wrestler or a homing device. Hello? Hello? This is VKM can anyone here me... They're answering me but I don't understand the dialect.
LM: Why don't you just shut it off?
VKM: I can't, it's locked in on a signal.
LM: Vinny? Vinny what's that?
VKM: Oh my God! It can't be!
SM & SMH: Daddy! Daddy who's that in the parking lot???
LM: What's going on?
VKM: It's closing in fast, I think we'd better...BOOM! We...we have a new wrestler!
It's time to play the game!
SM: Here he comes! Here he comes!
LM: Stay with me, Shane. Oh my God, it's hairy!
VKM: Let's put it over here.
LM: Not on the sofa, Vince!
VKM: Steph, clear off the coffee table, ok? Quick it's heavy!
SM: Heavy and hairy!
SM: I can't believe it, someone joined the WWF even after Ted Turner raided our roster? Where do you think he came from?
VKM: WCW?
LM: Vinny? Vinny? Who is it?
VKM: I don't know! Shane's right, he's a HHH!
LM: What?
VKM: A HHH! HHH is short for Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
SM: Can HHH stay in my portion of the roster?
LM: No this wrestler isn't staying in anyone's portion. It's not staying!
SM: Why not? JR got to stay!
LM: JR was a movie fanfic, this is a TV fanfic! This is on our coffee table!
VKM: This is incredible! Truly amazing! After all those years of hoping and wondering it might be possible to contact a WCW wrestler. To have this happen, it's a miracle! It's the fulfillment of a life-long dream!
LM: You've got to get rid of it!
VKM: Absolutely! We don't know anything about him! He could be dangerous! He could be a steroid-pumper! He could be a power-abuser! Have power-abusing friends or acquaintances. He could be anything! Your mother is right, we'd better tell the press!
SMH: But what if the reporters do something to him?
SM: Yeah, what if they job him to a cruiserweight?
LM: No they wouldn't job him to a cruiserweight! Would they Vinny?
VKM: Well, they could. I don't think they would, but they could, and they might! I know this is very exciting, but I don't see any alternative. We've gotta report this! What other choice do we have?
HHH: Ugh! Can I make suggestion?
VKM: Yeah, sure, why no-
HHH: Well if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my gimmick? Hello! Read my lips!
VKM: It has charisma!
SM: It's heavy, it's hairy and it has charisma!
HHH: Good, how about fixing my gimmick so I can get my heavy hairy body to another promotion.
VKM: I'm not sure I can fix your gimmick... I mean not tonight...In the dark.
HHH: Yeah you could use a light in that parking lot!
VKM: Ya know I was gonna put one up there... But you know how busy you get with one thing and another...
LM: Vinny!
VKM: Sorry he just acts like a WWF superstar.
HHH: Hey there's no need for name-calling!
LM: I don't think we should get too friendly Vinny!
HHH: She's right. We'll have a match now; we'll be friendly later!
LM: Match? What kind of Match?
HHH: You got a diva?
LM: You wrestle divas? He can't wrestle the Kat! No, no, no. No diva wrestling. Not in this house!
HHH: All right! All Right! How about a toy with a diva on it? I could use the ring-work!
SM: Can we give Hunter a toy, mom? Please? PLEASE?
LM: Alright. One whose paint is coming off...
SM: C'mon Hunter!
LM: We're going with you...
HHH: Trusts me about as hard as she can pedigree me!
VKM: That is amazing! Isn't that AMAZING?
LM: Vince, will you come back to the WWF for a minute? A WCW superstar has come to join the WWF! And destroy our toys and pin our diva!
HHH: This'll do fine! BOOM! OW!
VKM: Alright Linda, just give me one day! If we can't get Hunter going we'll tell someone, just one day!
LM: OK.
The Kat screams and runs away.
HHH: She's quick. I'll give her that!
COMMERCIAL BREAK: McOMEGA's bag
LM: Morning!
HHH: MORNING!
Linda screams.
Hunter screams.
VKM: What's going on out there?
HHH: Nothing, just screaming!
VKM: Move out of the way!
HHH: No problem.
LM: Let me put it this way Vinny, I don't think this will work out.
VKM: I'll take care of this. Everything's fine! Everything's under control!
HHH: Interesting concept! Hunter is looking at a picture of the Ultimate Warrior.
VKM: Come on! Over here by me!
HHH: Steph and I were talking last night, and we figured out... Wow you wear some odd clothes.
VKM: Please give those to me! Linda is very nervous about this whole thing!
HHH: Absolutely! Who's Linda?
VKM: My Wife.
HHH: Oh yeah, she snores.
VKM: She doesn't snore!
HHH: You callin' me a liar?
VKM: Just keep your distance alright? And try to be considerate.
HHH: No Problem. He starts signing Vince's business papers.
VKM: That is not considerate! That is the OPPOSITE of considerate. That is INCONSIDERATE! Let's just settle down here. One step at a time. There's no need for you to sign business papers.
HHH: I want to do everything you do! You're my idol!
VKM: Stay away from the window, there are always scoop magazine reporters and columnists outside. Don't let them see you; they might destroy our chance at making your arrival a surprise.
Lilian Garcia: Howard, have you ever seen something with a big nose, long hair and big muscles?
Howard Finkle: Stop putting yourself down!
LG: I'm not talking about me; I'm talking about that person I saw in the window at WWF HQ.
HF: What? I don't see anyone!
LG: He was there a second ago! I think it was signing business papers!
HF: Yeah right, and I headlined the first Wrestlemania!
HHH (singing): I've got big balls! And they've got big balls!
VKM: Hey Hunter!
HHH: Yeah, how are ya Vincent?
VKM: Frankly, I could use a little help, I don't know much about your gimmick!
HHH: Me either, I just had to wrestle as it!
SMH: I'll get the wrestling-history book daddy!
HHH: Hey Steph! You don't have a phone in here do you?
SMH: No, why?
HHH: 15th caller wins a hummer! Oh you have to be a licensed driver!
SMH: I'm a licensed driver!
HHH: What's the name of the tune?
SMH: Oh Canada!
HHH: No wonder I didn't know it!
SMH: I'll call!
VKM: Hunter, you'd better try to contact your advisors.
HHH: I have tried! I've tried again and again! It's a battle meant to be lost! Let's face it! I'm trapped here! I'll never see Eric Bischoff's face again! Wails and cries. Pauses. Too dramatic?
SMH: Oh, Hunter, what are we going to do with you?
HHH: I guess you'll just have to love me as long as my contract lasts...
SMH: We will!
HHH & SMH (singing): I've got big balls! We've got big balls and dirty big balls!
VKM: If you're not gonna help...
HHH: I'm outta here. If you need me I'll be in the VIP office!
VKM: We don't need you!
HHH: I'll still be in the VIP office! Yo Kat!!
MOVIE OF THE NIGHT: WWE Breakfast Club
Shane is watching tapes of Gobbeldy Gooker.
SM: Did you ever get Gobbeldy Gooker... where you live?
HHH: No and frankly, I don't get it here either! I've got to get something to drink!
SM: Me too!
LM: Where are you guys going?
SM: We are going to get something to drink!
HHH: We're parched!
LM: OK, but no soda pop and nothing to eat before dinner!
HHH: Of course!
SM: Of course!
HHH: Geez! What's with the warden?
LM: I thought I said no pop!
SM: It's not pop! It's water.
HHH: Here! I'll show you how it's done! Spits out his water and bring his arms to his sides like he does during his entrance.
LM: Give those to me!
HHH: Hey careful, his is still full!
LM: Now listen up Hunter! I will not accept this kind of behavior in the VIP office! Shane is too good of a boy to be spitting water in the VIP office! And you are not going to spit water either! And I don't know what it's like where you come from!
HHH: WCW's jobbers!
LM: What?
HHH: WCW's jobbers, that was where I wrestled before I came here, it's also what it was made out of, jobbers!
LM: WAS?
HHH: Well Linda, when Eric Bischoff started hiring people from your company he started getting rid of all of us jobbers. If Vinny fixes my gimmick, I'll wrestle under a different name in a different company. And spend the rest of my life as something like Brooklyn Brawler.
Doorbell rings.
SM: Could that be?
LM: I don't know!
SM: Don't answer it, mom, please!
LM: Shane I'm going to answer the door!
SM: NO!
LM: Yes...It's probably just Bret Hart...and even if it's not...
HHH: It's not! Unless Bret Hart is a cameraman!
LM: It is a cameraman!
SM: What if they want to expose Hunter?
LM: I don't know...but if that's what he's here for and I think it's the right thing to do...You just have to understand...Okay?
SM: Okay mom...
LM: Did you fix his gimmick yet?
VKM: I'm not in the right mindset right now to think of a gimmick!
HHH: It's your choice...Mrs. McMahon!
Camera Man: Mrs. McMahon?
LM: Yes?
CM: I'm a cameraman for PWI, Pro Wrestling Illustrated. Mind If I come in?
LM: Yes I do.
CM: I heard rumors of a new wrestler!
LM: A new wrestler?
CM: Hairy, 6 feet tall...
LM: Is he considered power-hungry?
CM: Hard to tell, unless we get an interview!
LM: What would you ask him when you'd give him an interview?
CM: We would question his authority, we would question his reasoning, and we would question his physical ability!
LM: Why don't you just ask him to date you?
CM: You didn't let me finish!
LM: Don't bother; we don't have any new wrestler!
CM: Have a nice day, Mrs. McMahon!
SM: Thanks mom!
SMH: Thanks mom!
HHH: Yeah thanks! MOM! I love this woman!
PREVIEW: Brocky Lesnar Picture Show
Hunter is in the garage with the CB radio.
HHH: Calling anyone from WCW! Regal, Sting, Eric, this is Terra calling anyone who will answer! I just wanted to let you know I'm fine! I'm in another company called WWF; it's like WCW, just less backstage politics. Yeah there's this guy named Vince, and he's got a good heart and lots of smarts for the owner of a wrestling company! Then there's Linda, she pretends she doesn't like me and she'll come around... and dig this...her hair is the same color as Eric's, only hers is natural...A-HA! And they've got two great kids, one who idolizes me and one who has a crush on me! So they're okay, but I miss you guys, the thought of never seeing you again breaks my heart. So, if you could try to get in touch with me! Or better yet, come by! And I'll introduce you! And then we could wrestle their diva!