Saturday, October 26, 2002, Titan Towers, Stamford Connecticut, 06902

Dear Mr. McMahon,
     We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in the conference room of Titan Towers in order to complete this survey as punishment for whatever it was that we did wrong. What we did was wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us complete a survey telling you how we think your company is doing. What do you care? You’re a billionaire. You see it as you want to see it. In the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions, you see us as an announcer, an Olympic gold medallist, a freak, a Billion Dollar Princess, and an asshole. Correct? That’s the way we saw each other at 7 o clock this morning. We were brainwashed.

     Stephanie McMahon and Kurt Angle are sitting at the front table in the conference room at WWE Headquarters. Michael Cole walks in quietly, and sits behind Kurt, trying to seem invisible. Triple H walks in and signals for Cole to move, and takes Cole’s place behind Kurt. Cole moves to the table next to Triple H. Michael thought he was out of place in that meeting, but then in walks Jeff Hardy, with purple and red hair, glow in the dark face paint, and wearing a black trench coat. He doesn’t make eye contact with anyone, and takes a seat at the table behind Michael Cole. Jeff knows the other four WWE Superstars are staring at him, so he puts on headphones and tries to keep himself busy until Vince McMahon decides to start the meeting. Steph and Kurt look at each other and laugh a little, wondering why Jeff was called into this meeting.

     Vince finally walks in, and Stephanie, Kurt, and Michael Cole straighten their posture. Triple H puts his feet up on the table. Jeff takes off his headphones, puts his backpack on the table, and half-hugs it for emotional support. Vince looks around the room at the 5 superstars.

     "Well, well, here we are," Vince says. "I want to congratulate you for being on time."

     "Excuse me, daddy?" Stephanie raises her hand. Vince rolls his eyes. "I think there’s been a mistake. I know it’s a meeting, but I don’t think I belong in here."

     "It is now 7:06," Vince says, looking at his watch. "You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about what it is that you did wrong."

     Triple H leans back, sprays water up in the air, and catches it in his mouth. Steph looks disgusted.

     "You may not talk, "Vince says, pointing at Steph. Michael Cole starts to move to the chair next to him, just as Vince says, "You will not move from these seats." Cole sheepishly moved back to his original chair.

     "And you," Vince said, pointing at Triple H and knocking Hunter’s feet off the table, "Will not sleep."

     "All right people, we’re going to try something a little different today," Vince said, handing out stacks of papers. "We are going to take a survey."

     Vince threw a survey packet at Jeff. "Honestly," Vince stated. "Describing to me, how you think World Wrestling Entertainment is doing."

     Vince put one in front of Triple H. "Test. Test. Is this a test?" Triple H asked, mockingly.

     Vince handed one to Michael Cole. "And when I say honestly," Vince said, giving Kurt and Steph their packets, "I mean honestly. I do not mean alternating your answers between 'yes' and 'no'. Is that clear, Mr. Helmsley?"

     "Crystal," Hunter answered.

     "Good," Vince said. "Maybe you’ll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe, you’ll even decide if you’d like to return for another survey."

     Michael Cole raised his hand and stood up. "Um...yeah, ya know. I can answer that right now sir. You know, that’d be no problem for me…"

     "Sit down Cole."

     "Thank you sir," Michael said, sitting.

     "My office is right across the hall," Vince continued. "Any monkey business is ill advised. Questions?" Vince started to walk out of the room, when Triple H spoke.

     "Yea," he said. "I got a question. Does Paul Bearer know that you raid his wardrobe?"

     "I’ll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Helmsley, next Saturday." Triple H sighed. Vince continued, "Don’t mess with the bull, young man, you’ll get the horns." Vince walked out of the conference room.

     "That man," Triple H said, "Is a brownie hound." Michael Cole gave him a confused look.

     Kurt and Steph started taking off their jackets. Jeff can be seen hunched over, biting his nails. Michael turns around to look. Triple H stares at Jeff. Kurt and Steph look too. Jeff looks up to see the other 4 superstars staring at him. He continues biting his nails.

     "You keep eating your hand," Triple H says, "And you’re not gonna be hungry for lunch." Jeff spits a fingernail in Hunter’s direction.

     "I’ve wrestled you before, ya know," Triple H said.

     Vince takes a quick peek from his office, to make sure there is no “monkey business”. Michael Cole starts playing with his pen, attaching it to his lip, and mumbles to himself, “How is the WWE doing? How is it doing?” Triple H stares at him. Michael looks over, as Triple H starts taking his coat off. Michael quickly detaches the pen from his lip. He starts taking his coat off, but Triple H is doing the same, and gives Michael a menacing look. Michael quickly puts his coat back on. Triple H takes his coat completely off, but underneath is a Game t-shirt with a leather jacket and a HHH jean vest over it. He continues staring at Michael.

     Michael looks over and says, “It’s the shits, huh?” Triple H continues staring, and Michael laughs nervously. Triple H leans back, crumples up the first page of his survey packet and throws it over Stephanie’s head. Kurt and Steph look annoyed. Triple H starts humming and playing air guitar to his theme song, “I Am The Game”. Kurt and Steph look even more annoyed. Michael gives him a weird look.

     “I can’t believe this is really happening to me,” Steph says to Kurt.

     “Oh SHIT!” Triple H says. Steph looks at him.

     “What are we supposed to do if we have to take a piss?” Triple H asks, looking around the room.

     “Oh please,” Stephanie says, more annoyed than ever.

     “If you gotta go, you gotta go,” Triple H says, and acts like he’s undoing his jeans.

     “Oh my god,” Steph says, looking away in disgust.

     “Hey, you’re not urinating in here, man,” Kurt says.

     “Don’t talk, don’t talk,” Triple H says. “It makes it crawl back up.”

     Michael looks under Triple H’s table, to see if he’s really going to do it.

     “You whip it out, and you’re dead before the first drop hits the floor,” Kurt says.

     Triple H looks at him. “You’re pretty sexy when you get angry.” Kurt turns around.

     “Hey, announcer boy,” Triple H says to Michael. Michael questioningly points to himself. Triple H continues, “Why don’t you go close that door. And we’ll get the Billion Dollar Princess…impregnated.”

     Stephanie turns around angrily.

     “Hey,” Kurt says. “Hey!”

     “What?” Triple H asks.

     “If I lose my temper, you’re totaled, man,” Kurt says to Hunter.

     “Totally?” Triple H asks, mockingly.

     “It's true, it's true,” Kurt says, matter-of-factly.

     “Why don’t you just shut up?” Steph says to Hunter. “Nobody here is interested.”

     Triple H makes pretend crying faces.

     “Really…” Kurt says, in agreement. “Buttface.”

     “Well, hey Olympic boy, why did Vince call you here?” Hunter asks. “Forget to wash your jock?”

     “Uh, excuse me fellas,” Michael Cole says. “I think we should just complete our surveys.”

     “Just because you live in here,” Kurt says to Triple H, “Doesn’t give you the right to be a pain in the ass, so knock it off!”

     Triple H contemplates for a second, and then says, “It’s a free country.”

     “He’s just doing it to get a rise out of you!” Steph says to Kurt. “Just ignore him.”

     “Sweets,” Triple H says. Steph turns around. “You couldn’t ignore me if you tried.” Stephanie rolls her eyes and turns around. Jeff watches intently.

     “So,” Triple H says. “So! Are you guys like boyfriend, girlfriend?”

     Kurt and Steph try to ignore him.

     Hunter continues, “Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, level with me Olympic boy, do you slip her the hot…beef….injection?”

     “GO TO HELL!” Steph screamed at him.

     “Enough!” Kurt yelled.

     “Hey!” Vince called from his office. “What’s going on in there?” Then he mumbled, “Spoiled little pricks.”

     Triple H smiled at Steph. She turned around, disgusted. Jeff smiled.

     “Scumbag,” Kurt mumbled.

     Triple H got up out of his seat. “What do you say we close that door? We can’t have any kind of party with Vince checking us out every few seconds.”

     “You know, the door’s supposed to stay open,” Michael Cole said.

     “So what?” Hunter asked.

     “So why don’t you just shut up?” Kurt asked. “There’s four other people in here, you know.”

     “God, you can count,” Triple H said. “See, I knew you had to be smart to be an Olympian.”

     “Who the heck are you to judge anyone anyways?” Kurt asked.

     “Yeah, really,” Steph said.

     “You know, Hunter, you don’t even count,” Kurt said. “I mean, if you disappeared forever, it wouldn’t make any difference. You may as well not even exist in this company.”

     Jeff glared at Kurt. Hunter looked slightly hurt.

     “Well,” he said. “I’ll just run right out and compete in the Olympics.”

     Kurt and Steph laughed.

     “Maybe join a country club too. Some charity organization.”

     “Nah, they wouldn’t take you,” Kurt said.

     “I’m hurt,” Hunter said.

     “You know why guys like you knock everything?” Steph said.

     “Oh, this should be stunning,” Triple H said, sarcastically.

     “It’s because you’re afraid,” Steph said.

     “Oh god, you richies are so smart, that’s exactly why I’m not heavy in activities,” Triple H said.

     “You’re a big coward,” Steph said.

     “I’m in a country club,” Michael Cole said. The others ignore him.

     “See, you’re afraid that they won’t take you. You don’t belong, so you just have to dump all over it,” Steph continued.

     “Well,” Triple H said, “It wouldn’t have anything to do with you activities people being ASSHOLES now would it?”

     “Well, you wouldn’t know,” Steph said. “You don’t even know any of us.”

     “Well, I don’t know any lepers either, but I’m not gonna go join one of their fucking clubs.”

     “Hey, let’s watch the mouth,” Kurt said.

     “I’m in a charity organization too,” Michael Cole said.

     “Excuse me a sec,” Hunter said to Kurt. He looked over at Michael. “What are you babbling about?”

     “Well, what I had said was,” Michael said, “I belong to a country club and a charity organization, the World Wildlife Fund.”

     “Hey, Cherry,” Triple H said to Steph. “Do you belong to the World Wildlife Fund?”

     “That’s the organization that made my father’s company change its name.”

     “So?”

     “So, the World Wildlife Fund isn’t respectable enough.”

     “Ahhh,” Triple H said, “But to dorks like him, it is.” Hunter looked back over at Michael. “What do you guys do?”

     “At the country club,” Michael said, “We play golf and have drinks.”

     “So it’s sorta social,” Hunter said. “Demented and sad, but social, right?”

     “Well, I consider it a social situation,” Michael said. “There are other people in my club, and uh, in the WWF, we have a big fundraiser banquet at the Hilton...”

     “You load up,” Hunter said,” Ya party.”

     “No...” Michael said, “We get dressed up, but uh, we don’t get drunk.”

     “Only animals like you get drunk,” Steph said to Hunter.

     “I didn’t have any shoes, so I had to borrow my dad’s, and it was kinda weird, because my parents’ never liked me to wear other people’s shoes. My cousin Kendall, from Indiana, he got drunk once, he started eating really weird foods…”

     Jeff made the Hardy Boyz guns and pointed them at Michael’s head.

     “And uh...” Michael continued, “He just felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, like Twilight Zone kinda.”

     “Sounds like you,” Steph said to Hunter.

     Kurt fidgeted in his seat. “Look, you guys keep talking, and Vince is gonna come right in here. I got a TV appearance this weekend, and I’m not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.”

     “Oh, and wouldn’t that be a bite?” Hunter asked. “Missing a whole TV appearance.”

     “Well, you wouldn’t know anything about it, faggot. No one wants you on their TV show.”

     “Oh I know,” Triple H said, pretending to cry. “I feel all empty inside. I have such a deep admiration for guys who go on Regis and Kelly and talk about interior decorating.”

     “Ahhh, you’d never miss it,” Kurt said. “You don’t have any goals.”

     “Oh, but I do,” Hunter said. “I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and to lose a Hair vs. Hair match against [laughing] Edge!”

     Kurt looked upset. Michael looked up.

     “I forgot about that! You lost to Edge and he shaved you bald!”

     “Shut up,” Kurt said.

     Jeff smiled, and then went back to drawing.

     Steph looked out in the hallway. Triple H looked, and saw Vince walking around. Hunter ran and took the seat between Steph and Kurt. Vince walked away, and Triple H made disgusting noises as he got up. Hunter started walking towards the door.

     “Uh, there’s not supposed to be any monkey business,” Michael said.

     “Young man,” Hunter said, “Have you finished your survey?”

     Triple H looked out into the hallway, to make sure Vince wasn’t anywhere close.

     “Come on, Hunter,” Kurt said. “Don’t screw around.”

     Hunter started messing with the door.

     “What are you gonna do?” Steph asked.

     “Drop dead, I hope,” Kurt replied.

     Vince gets a drink of water from the water fountain, and checks out his reflection in the glass of the fire extinguisher space. “Yokozuna!” Vince says to himself in encouragement. Hunter is still messing with the door.

     “Hunter, that’s WWE property. I mean, it doesn’t belong to us,” Michael said. “It’s not something to be toyed with.”

     Hunter then proceeded to remove a screw from the door, causing it to close. He walked back to his seat.

     “That’s very funny,” Kurt said. “Come on, fix it.”

     “You should really fix that,” Michael said.

     “Am I a genius?” Hunter asked.

     “No, you’re an asshole!” Kurt said.

     “What a funny guy!” Hunter said.

     “Fix the door, Hunter!” Kurt said.

     “Everyone just shhh,” Hunter said.

     Stephanie’s jaw was agape. Kurt and Hunter argued more. Vince heard them.

     “God dammit!” Vince said, bursting into the conference room. “Why is that door closed?” he asked. No one answered.

     Vince looked straight at Kurt. “Why is that door closed??”

     “How are we supposed to know?” Triple H asked. “We’re not supposed to move, right?”

     “Why?” Vince asked Steph.

     “We were just sitting here, like we’re supposed to,” she said.

     “Who closed that door?” Vince asked Michael Cole. Michael looked scared.

     “I think a screw fell out of it,” Hunter said.

     “It just closed, sir,” Kurt said.

     “Who?” Vince yelled. Jeff made a high pitched whining noise, and slammed his head on his table, his hood falling over his head.

     “He doesn’t talk, sir,” Hunter said. More high-pitched whining from Jeff is heard. Steph and Kurt look at each other.

     “Give me that screw,” Vince says to Triple H.

     “I don’t have it,” Hunter says.

     “You want me to yank you out of that seat and shake it out of you?”

     “I don’t have it!” Hunter said. “Screws fall out all the time; the world’s an imperfect place.”

     “Give it to me, Hunter.”

     “Excuse me, daddy?” Steph said. “Why would anyone wanna steal a screw?”

     “Watch it!” Vince said to her. Hunter looked at her, puzzled. Steph gave him a dirty look. Vince starts messing with the door, and Jeff lifts his head to see what’s going on. Vince picks up a steel chair.

     “The door’s way too heavy, sir,” Hunter says.

     Vince gives him an angry look and tries to prop the door open with it anyways. The door immediately slams shut.

     “Dammit!!” Vince yells. Jeff looks up more, and Michael Cole stifles a laugh. So do Steph and Kurt. Vince comes back in the conference room.

     “Kurt Angle!” Vince says. “Come on, get up here, front and center. Let’s go.”

     Kurt sighs and gets up.

     “Hey, how come Angle gets to get up?” Triple H asks. “If he gets up, we’ll all get up, it’ll be anarchy!”

     Vince and Kurt start moving a magazine rack, in order to prop the door open with it. Steph looks at them, concerned.

     “Watch the magazines,” Vince says.

     “It’s out of my hands,” Hunter says.

     Kurt tries to climb over the magazine rack, in order to get back into the conference room. Steph smiles. Kurt slips.

     “That’s very clever, sir,” Hunter says. “But what if there’s a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering employees’ lives would be unwise at this juncture in your career.” Vince glares at him.

     “All right, what are you doing?” Vince asks Kurt. “Get this outta here, for God’s sake. What’s the matter with you? Come on.”

     “Well, you know, Hunter,” Michael said. “The conference room comes equipped with fire exits at either end.”

     “Show Vinnie Mac some respect!” Hunter said.

     “Let’s go,” Vince said, pushing Kurt back towards his seat. “Go. Get back in your seat.”

     Michael Cole looked at Kurt, concerned. Vince looked extremely angry. “I expected a little more from an Olympic gold medallist,” Vince said.

     Kurt just hung his head.

     “You’re not fooling anybody Hunter,” Vince said. “The next screw that falls out, is gonna be you.”

     “Eat my trunks,” Hunter mumbled.

     “What was that?” Vince asked, and walked over, staring at Triple H.

     Triple H draped his arm over the back of his chair. “Eat. My. Trunks.”

     “You just bought yourself another Saturday in here, mister,” Vince said.

     “Unh…,” Hunter said. “I’m crushed.”

     “You just bought one more, right there.”

     “Well, I’m free the Saturday after that!” Triple H exclaimed. “Beyond that, I’m gonna have to check my calendar!”

     “Good!” Vince yelled. “Because it’s gonna be filled. We’ll keep going.”

     Triple H sat back.

     “You want another one?” Vince asked. “Say the word, just say the word. Instead of going to prison, you’ll come here.”

     Triple H folded his arms across his chest.

     “Are you through?” Vince asked.

     “No,” Triple H said.

     “I’m doing society a favor, by giving you a job and keeping you off the streets.”

     “So?” Hunter said.

     “That’s another one, right there. I’ve got you for the rest of your natural born life, if you don’t watch your step. You want another one?”

     “Yes,” Triple H said.

     “You got it!” Vince said. “You got another one! Right there, that’s another one, pal.”

     Triple H sighed.

     “Cut it out!” Stephanie shrieked. Triple H looked at her. Steph mouthed the word “stop”.

     “You through?” Vince asked. Hunter looked up at him.

     “Not. Even. Close. Bud.”

     “Good,” Vince said. “You got one more right there.”

     “You really think I give a shit?” Hunter asked, giving Vince a cold stare.

     “Another,” Vince said. Hunter just stared at him, realizing Vince would keep going. “You through?”

     “How many is that?” Hunter asked.

     “That’s 7 including one when we first came in when you asked Mr. McMahon here whether Paul Bearer knew that he raided his closet,” Michael Cole answered quickly.

     “Now that’s 8,” Vince said. “You stay out of it.”

     “Excuse me, sir, it’s 7,” Michael said, holding up seven fingers.

     “Shut up Pee Wee!” Vince said. Michael Cole nodded and dropped his hands. Vince turned back to Hunter and held his right hand up, sporting the “rock on” gesture.

     “You’re mine, Hunter,” Vince said. Hunter just stared at him. “For 2 months, I’ve got ya.” Hunter gave him a dirty look.

     “What can I say?” Hunter asked. “I’m THRILLED.”

     “Oh and I’m sure that’s EXACTLY what you want these people to believe,” Vince said. “You know something, Hunter? You oughta spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself, and a lot less time trying to impress people.” Hunter nodded mockingly. Vince added, “You might be better off.”

     After a slight pause, Vince said, “All right, that’s it. I’m gonna be right outside those doors. The next time I have to come in here…” Hunter mouthed the words as Vince said them: “I’m crackin’ skulls.”

     Vince walked out, and Jeff lifted his head up again to make sure that Vince was leaving. Vince made the “rock on” hand gesture one more time, then closed the door behind him.

     “FUCK YOU!!” Hunter yelled. Vince had a semi-hurt look on his face. He sighed.

     The clock now says 7:45 am. Hunter is seen lighting matches and setting his boots on fire, and blowing them out. Steph is staring into space, obviously daydreaming about something. Michael Cole is fidgeting in his seat. Jeff Hardy is burning a hole in the back of Michael’s head with his stares. Kurt Angle is playing with the drawstring on his hoodie. Jeff pulls a thread out of his shirt, and starts wrapping it tightly around his finger, cutting off the circulation. Hunter plays air guitar. Jeff Hardy is drawing a self-portrait. Kurt is making paper footballs and flicking them with his fingers. Jeff obviously decides that his self-portrait needs more than it’s black and white-ness, so he leans over the drawing, scratches his head, and red and purple flakes scatter all over the picture. He pushes his hair back, and grins, obviously satisfied with his masterpiece.

     Hunter starts to nod off. Michael Cole does too, dropping his pencil in his lap. Steph tries to stay awake, but can’t. Jeff slowly lowers his head onto his folded arms. Kurt does the same. All five superstars are now pretty much asleep. Steph’s head falls onto the table.

     Vince looks at the five superstars with disgust.

     “Wake up!” he yells. The superstars don’t respond. “Who has to go to the lavatory?” All five hands raise in the air.

     10:22 am. Stephanie is seated at the table, writing something, perhaps working on her survey. Angle is stretching. Michael Cole is leaning up against the wall. Hunter is seen seated on the front bookcase, ripping pages out of a book. He throws the pages out into the middle of the room. Michael, Kurt, and Steph look at him in disbelief.

     “That’s real intelligent,” Kurt says, sarcastically.

     “You’re right,” Hunter says. “It’s wrong to destroy WWE record books. They’re such fun to read. And…” He examines the book. “Bastard Booger’s records really pump my nads.”

     “Bastion,” Steph says. Hunter looks at her. Steph smiles.

     “I love his ring work,” Michael Cole says. Hunter throws the rest of the record book at him. Michael ducks.

     "Big deal,” Hunter says. “Nothing to do when you’re locked in a vacancy.”

     “Ahhh speak for yourself,” Kurt says.

     “Do you think I’d speak for you?” Hunter asks. “I don’t even know your language.” Kurt gives him a dirty look. He then turns around to ask Steph a question.

     “Hey,” he says. “You suspended from in-ring activity tonight?”

     “I don’t know,” Steph replies. “My mom said I was, but my dad told me to just blow her off.” Kurt turned around to make sure that Hunter wasn’t listening. Hunter gave him a dirty look.

     “There’s a big party at The World,” Kurt says. “There’s a band in from Europe. It’s gonna be pretty wild.” Hunter is seen “re-arranging” the WWE record book files.

     “Yeah?” Steph says.

     “Yeah,” Kurt says. “You gonna go?”

     “I doubt it,” Steph says, shrugging.

     “How come?” Kurt asks.

     “Well, if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it’s because my father says it’s OK,” Steph says. “It’s like this whole big monster deal, it’s endless, it’s a total drag. It’s like, any minute, divorce.”

     “Who do you like better?” Hunter asks.

     “What?” Steph says.

     “You like your old man better than your mom?” Hunter asks.

     “They’re both screwed,” Steph says.

     “No, I mean,” Hunter says, “If you had to choose between ‘em.”

     “I dunno,” Steph says. “I’d probably go live with my brother.” She smiles, then looks at Hunter, seriously. “I mean, I don’t think either one of them gives a shit about me. It’s like they use me just to get back at each other.”

     “Ha!” Jeff says, from the back of the room. Steph turns around and stares at him angrily. Hunter looks at him in astonishment. Kurt cracks a smile. Michael Cole looks confused, but what else is new? Jeff squirms in his chair, let’s out a huff, and smiles at Steph.

     “Shut up,” Steph says.

     “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself,” Kurt says to Steph.

     “Yeah, well if I didn’t, nobody else would,” she says.

     “Oh, you’re breakin’ my heart,” Kurt says.

     “Olympic boy?” Hunter says.

     “What?” Hunter jumps down from the table he was sitting on.

     “You get along with your parents?” he asks Kurt.

     “Well, if I say ‘yes’, I’m an idiot, right?” Kurt says. Hunter stands right in front of Kurt.

     “You’re an idiot anyways,” Hunter says. “But if you say you get along with your parents, then you’re a liar too.” Steph smiles. Hunter walks away from Kurt. Kurt stares at him blankly. Kurt then walks over and pushes Hunter from behind.

     “You know somethin’, man?” Kurt says. “If we weren’t at WWE headquarters right now, I’d waste you.”

     “Can you hear this?” Hunter asks, with his middle finger extended towards the floor. “Want me to turn it up?” He gives Kurt the finger.

     “Hey fellas,” Michael Cole walks over and says, putting his hands on Hunter’s and Kurt’s shoulders. They both smack his arms away. Cole continues, “I…I don’t like my parents either. I mean, I don’t…I don’t…” Kurt pushes him out of the way, and sits on the edge of the back table.

     “I don’t get along with them,” Cole says. “Their idea of, you know, parental compassion is just, you know, whacko, ya know?”

     “Dork,” Hunter says. “You are a parent’s…wet dream, K?” Hunter smacks Cole on the arm, forcing him to sit on the edge of the table.

     “Well, that’s the problem,” Cole says.

     “Look,” Hunter says. “I could see you getting’ all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you’re a neo-maxi zoom dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren’t out making yourself a better citizen?”

     “Why do you have to insult everybody?” Kurt asks.

     “I’m being honest, asshole,” Hunter says. “I would expect you to know the difference.”

     “Yeah, well he’s got a name,” Kurt says.

     “Yeah?” Hunter says.

     “Yeah,” Kurt says, then turns to Cole. “What’s your name?”

     “Michael,” Cole says.

     “See?” Kurt says to Hunter.

     “My condolences,” Hunter says to Cole, as he walks towards the front of the room.

     “What’s your name?” Steph asks Hunter.

     “What’s yours?” Hunter says back.

     “Stephanie,” she says.

     “STEPH-anee?” Hunter asks.

     “Stephanie,” she says. “It’s a family name.”

     “Ohh, it’s a fat girl’s name,” Hunter says.

     “Well, thank you,” Steph says.

     “You’re welcome.”

     “I’m not fat.”

     “Well, not at present,” Hunter says. “But I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people.” Stephanie stares at him angrily. Hunter continues.

     “There’s fat people that were born to be fat. And there’s fat people that were once thin, but they became fat. So when you look at ‘em, you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies, and then uhh…” Hunter then proceeds to make noises and gestures indicating rapid fat growth. Stephanie flips him off.

     “Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl,” Hunter says.

     “I’m not that pristine,” she says. Hunter leans over the table and looks her square in the eyes.

     “Are you a virgin?” he asks. Stephanie just stares at him. Hunter continues. “I’ll bet you a million dollars, that you are. Let’s end the suspense. Is it gonna be a white weddin’?” Hunter raises his lip, as Billy Idol would.

     “Why don’t you just shut up?” Steph asks, angrily.

     “Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth?” Hunter asks. Steph stares at him, looking more and more uncomfortable. Then Hunter says, “Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra…under the blouse…shoes off…” Steph looks like she’s going to be sick. Jeff looks disgusted. Hunter says, “Hopin’ to God your parents don’t walk in.”

     “Do you want me to puke?” Steph asks, quietly. Hunter smiles, and continues his harassment.

     “Over the panties…No bra…” he says, looking down at Steph’s chest. Kurt is sitting in the back, not knowing what to do.

     “Blouse unbuttoned,” Hunter continues. “Calvins in a ball on the front seat past 11 on a show night.” Steph stares at Hunter in disbelief.

     “Leave her alone,” Kurt says. Steph tries to look away, but Hunter keeps catching her glance. Kurt stands up and starts walking towards the front of the room. “I said ‘leave her alone’.” Michael Cole looks up at Kurt and then looks over at Hunter. Hunter looks up at Kurt.

     “You gonna make me?” Hunter asks.

     “Yeah,” Kurt says, matter-of-factly. Hunter climbs over Stephanie’s table, as she looks down, obviously still uncomfortable from Hunter’s harassment. Hunter gets in Kurt’s face.

     “You, and how many of your friends?” Hunter asks.

     “Just me,” Kurt says. “Just you and me. Two hits. Me hittin’ you. You hittin’ the floor. Anytime you’re ready, pal.” Hunter looks amused. He half-heartedly goes to backhand Kurt, but Angle grabs his wrist and spins Hunter into a hammerlock. He then grabs Hunter’s other arm and gets him face-down on the ground.

     “I don’t wanna get into this with you, man,” Hunter threatens. Kurt lets go and pushes himself up.

     “Why not?” Kurt asks. Hunter springs up, with his back to Kurt.

     “Cuz I’d kill you,” he says. He starts walking backwards, and looks Kurt in the eye. “It’s real simple. I’d kill you, and your fuckin’ parents would sue me, and it’d be a big mess, and I don’t care enough about you to bother.” Hunter looks at Kurt confidently. Kurt starts to turn away.

     “Chicken shit,” Kurt says. Hunter pulls a switchblade out of his pocket and opens it. Kurt turns around when he hears it, and almost looks frightened. Hunter turns to a chair and sticks the knife into the back of it, with a little grunt.

     “Let’s end this right now,” Kurt says. Hunter stares at him. Kurt continues. “You don’t talk to her, you don’t look at her, and you don’t even THINK about her!” Jeff is seen pulling the switchblade out of the chair, obviously stealing it.

     “You understand me?” Kurt says. Hunter shrugs.

     “I’m trying to help her,” Hunter says. Kurt stares at Hunter angrily, and Steph shyly looks at both of them.

     Later, Brooklyn Brawler, the janitor, walks in, custodial cart in tow. He has a stereo on the cart that is playing cheesy hair band music. He starts emptying trash cans in the conference room.

     “Hey Michael, how you doin’?” he asks Cole. Michael looks embarrassed.

     “Your dad work here?” Hunter asks Cole. Brawler doesn’t look amused. Michael shakes his head ‘no’ at Hunter. Kurt smiles. Hunter smiles a mischievous smile.

     “Hey, uh, Brawler?” Hunter says.

     “What?” Brawler replies.

     “Can I ask you a question?”

     “Sure,” Brawler says.

     “How does one become a jobber?” Hunter asks.

     “You wanna be a jobber?” Brawler asks.

     “No, I just wanna know how one becomes a jobber,” Hunter says. “Because Angle here is very interested in pursuing a career in the J.O.B. Squad.”

     “Oh really?” Brawler asks, sarcastically. Kurt looks away. Hunter grins.

     “You guys think I’m just some untouchable peasant?” Brawler asks. “A serf? Peon? Huh?” Steph sighs, obviously embarrassed by the whole situation.

     “Maybe so,” Brawler continues. “But losing matches to shitheads like you for the last 20 years, I’ve learned a couple of things.” Jeff cracks a smile.

     “I look through your record books,” Brawler says. “I look through your lockers.” He holds up a set of keys. Hunter looks up, obviously upset that someone has been going through his locker.

     “I listen to your conversations,” Brawler adds. “You don’t know that, but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this federation, my friends.” He smiles cockily. He then looks up at the clock hanging on the wall.

     “By the way, that clock’s 20 minutes fast.” Hunter grins, as the others groan.

     Vince is seen in his office, building a sort of windmill out of pencils and a Styrofoam cup. The clock on his desk reads 11:30 am. He gets up out of his chair, grabbing his suit jacket to take with him.

     Hunter is seen with a bandanna over his head, whistling. Jeff looks over at him inquisitively. Michael Cole joins in with the whistling. Stephanie and Kurt join in also. Jeff pretends to join in, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t know how to whistle.

     Vince walks in, and the superstars stop whistling, except for Hunter, who whistles “We’re Doomed”-type music. Vince looks at him, obviously not impressed.

     “All right, girls,” he says. “That’s 30 minutes for lunch.”

     “Here?” Kurt asks.

     “Here,” Vince replies.

     “Well, I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir,” Kurt says.

     “Well, I don’t care what you think, Angle.”

     “Uh, Vinnie?” Hunter says. Vince looks at him angrily. “Excuse me, Vince. Will milk be made available to us?”

     “We’re extremely thirsty, sir,” Kurt says.

     “I have a really low tolerance for dehydration, remember?” Steph adds.

     “I’ve seen her dehydrated, sir,” Kurt says. “It’s pretty gross.”

     “Relax,” Hunter says. “I’ll get it.” Hunter starts to get up.

     “Ah ah ah…” Vince says. “Grab some wood there, bub.” Hunter slowly sits back down.

     “What, do you think I was born yesterday?” Vince asks. “You think I wanna have you roaming these halls?” Hunter nods in agreement. Vince points at Kurt.

     “You,” he says. Vince looks around the room, trying to decide who else to send. Kurt motions towards Stephanie. Stephanie sits up straight. Vince points at Jeff.

     “And you.” Jeff is obviously sleeping. He slowly opens his eyes.

     “Hey!” Vince says, snapping his fingers. “What’s his name? Wake him….wake him up. Hey! Come on! Get on you feet, mister, let’s go.” Jeff stares at Vince.

     “This is no rest home,” Vince adds. Jeff grabs his backpack and gets up.

     “There’s an RC Edge cola machine in the executive lounge,” Vince says. “Let’s go.” Kurt gets up reluctantly.

     Kurt and Jeff are seen walking through the halls of Titan Towers. Kurt is walking ahead of Jeff. He turns around, then speaks.

     “So, what’s your poison?” Jeff just stares at him.

     “What do you drink?” Kurt asks. Jeff still stares, not answering.

     “Okay…Forget I asked.” Kurt turns around and keeps walking.

     “Paint,” Jeff says. Kurt turns around to look at him.

     “Paint?” he asks. “When do you drink paint?”

     “Whenever,” Jeff replies, now walking side by side with Kurt.

     “A lot?” Kurt asks.

     “Tons,” Jeff says, grinning.

     “Is that why you’re here today?” Kurt asks. Jeff slows his pace, obviously not sure how to answer.

     “Why are you here?” Kurt asks.

     “Why are you here?” Jeff asks, turning to look Kurt in the eyes. Kurt takes a step back and leans against the wall.

     “Um…” he starts. “I’m here today because uh…my personal trainer and Vince McMahon don’t want me to blow my ride to the Olympics.” Jeff looks at Kurt, as if he doesn’t believe him.

     “Ya see,” Kurt adds. “I get treated differently because uh…my trainer thinks I’m a winner. So does Vince. I’m not a winner cuz I wanna be one. I’m a winner because I got strength and speed, kinda like a racehorse. That’s about how involved I am in what’s happening to me.”

     “Yeah,” Jeff says, obviously not buying it. “That’s very interesting.” Kurt nods.

     “Now, why don’t you tell me why you’re really in here?” Jeff says.

     “Forget it,” Kurt says, and walks away.

     Hunter is seen watching Stephanie from across the room. He is seated near Michael Cole, and Stephanie is leaning against a statue of her late grandfather Vince, Sr. in the middle of the conference room. She turns to look at Hunter and Cole

     “Steph? Wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts?” Hunter asks. “It’s pretty tasty.” Steph rolls her eyes.

     “No thank you,” she says.

     “How do you think he rides a bike?” he asks. Stephanie examines her nails, then gives Hunter a dirty look.

     “Oh, Steph?” Hunter continues. Steph looks up. “Would you ever consider dating a guy like this?” Stephanie looks perturbed.

     “Can’t you just leave me alone?” she whines.

     “I mean, if he had a great personality, was a good dancer, and had a cool car…Although you’d probably have to ride in the backseat, because his nuts would ride shotgun.” Steph sighs and rolls her eyes again, then turns away from Hunter, almost searching for comfort in the statue of her late grandfather.

     “You know what I wish I was doing?” Steph says quietly.

     “Uh...watch what you say,” Hunter says. “Michael here is a cherry.”

     “A cherry?” Cole says.

     “I wish I was on a plane,” Steph continues. Hunter looks at her. “To France.” Cole looks over at Steph, then at Hunter.

     “I’m not a cherry,” Cole says.

     “When have you ever gotten laid?” Hunter asks.

     “I’ve laid lotsa times,” Cole says.

     “Name one,” Hunter says.

     “She lives in Australia,” Cole says. “I met her during the Global Invasion tour. You wouldn’t know her.”

     “Ever laid anyone in the company?” Hunter asks. Cole puts his fingers to his lips in the “shushing” motion, half-pointing in Steph’s direction.

     “Ohhh….” Hunter says. “You and Steph did it.” Steph looks up.

     “What are you talking about?” she asks.

     “Uh..nothing,” Cole stutters, then turns to Hunter. “Let’s just drop it, we’ll talk about it later.”

     “No, drop what?” Steph asks. “What are you talking about?”

     “Well,” Hunter says. “Michael’s trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Melbourne area, that presently you and he are riding the hobby horse.”

     “Little pig,” Steph says.

     “No, I’m not!” Cole protests. “Hunter said I was a cherry, and I said I wasn’t. That’s it. That’s all I said.”

     “Well then what were you motioning to Steph for?” Hunter asks.

     “You know, I don’t appreciate this Michael,” Steph says.

     “He is lying!” Cole says, pointing to Hunter.

     “Oh,” Hunter says. “You weren’t motioning to Steph?”

     “You know he’s lying, right?” Cole asks Steph.

     “Were you, or were you not, motioning to Steph,” Hunter says. Stephanie is visibly upset. Cole hangs his head.

     “Yeah,” he says. “But it was only because…it was only because I didn’t want her to know I was a virgin, ok?” He looks at Hunter and Hunter gives him a look of disbelief.

     “Excuse me for being a virgin, I’m sorry,” Cole says.

     “Why didn’t you want me to know you were a virgin?” Steph says, smiling and walking over to the guys.

     “Because it’s personal business,” Cole says. “It’s my personal private business.”

     “Well Michael,” Hunter says. “It doesn’t sound like you’re doing any business.” Steph gives him a dirty look, then looks up at Cole.

     “I think it’s okay for a guy to be a virgin,” she says. Hunter looks over at her in shock.

     “You do?” Cole asks. Steph looks at Hunter, then back at Cole, smiles and nods her head ‘yes’. Cole smiles and puts his head on his knee.

     After Kurt and Jeff return with the sodas, the superstars are all in the conference room, about to eat lunch. The sodas are on the table that Kurt and Steph are sitting at, and Hunter has joined them, pulling his chair in between them. Kurt and Steph start pulling their lunches out of lunch bags, and Hunter watches.

     “What’s in there?’ Hunter asks Steph.

     “Guess,” she replies, then looks at Hunter. “Where’s your lunch?”

     “You’re wearing it,” he replies.

     “You’re nauseating,” she says.

     Hunter grabs one of the soda cans and tosses it back to Jeff, who catches it without even looking. Jeff is too enthralled by the Pearl Jam CD he holds in his hand. Steph continues to pull her lunch out of her bag, and it seems to be sushi. Hunter looks on, confused.

     “What’s that?” he asks her.

     “Sushi,” Steph replies.

     “Sushi?” Hunter says, confused. Steph laughs.

     “Rice, uh, raw fish, and seaweed,” she informs him. Cole, Kurt, and Hunter all look disgusted.

     “You won’t accept a guy’s tongue in your mouth, and you’re gonna eat that?” Hunter says.

     “Can I eat?” Steph asks, annoyed. Hunter is still disgusted.

     “I don’t know,” he says. “Give it a try.” Steph starts eating. Kurt is pulling his lunch out of a pretty big paper bag, and it includes 3 sandwiches, a whole party bag of chips, a bag of cookies, half a gallon of milk, a banana and an apple. Steph and Hunter look like they are in shock. Kurt settles himself into his chair. Jeff opens his can of soda, and fizz foams out. He licks it off of his hand, then puts his mouth on the top of the can and starts sucking the fizz up. He also licks the soda off of the table. Kurt picks up a sandwich, then looks at Hunter and Steph.

     “What’s your problem?” he asks.

     Jeff has an olive loaf sandwich, which he is obviously not happy with. He takes the slice of olive loaf off of the bread and tosses it into the air behind him. It sticks to the head of the statue of Vince McMahon, Sr. for a minute, then falls to the floor. Jeff proceeds to open 3 Pixy Stix straws, and pour the sugar onto the bread, catching some of it with his mouth. Michael Cole turns around to watch this. Jeff takes a sip of his soda, then finishes pouring the Pixy Stix onto his bread. He puts the empty straws into his soda can, as Cole continues watching. Jeff then takes a sandwich bag filled with Cap’n Crunch cereal, and pours it onto the bread. He starts smushing the cereal with his hand, and it makes a crunching noise. Hunter, Kurt and Steph turn around to look. Jeff closes the sandwich up, and slowly lifts it to his mouth. He looks up, just in time to see the other 4 superstars staring at him. He bites into his sugary sandwich with a loud CRUNCH. The other 4 superstars turn around, looking like they’re going to throw up.

     Hunter walks over to Cole’s table, grabs his lunch bag, hands him a can of soda and sits next to him.

     “What are we having?” Hunter asks, looking over at Cole.

     “Uhh…it’s just your standard regular lunch,” Cole says.

     Hunter sticks his hand in, and pulls out a yellow thermos.

     “Milk?” he asks.

     “Soup,” Cole says, correcting him. Cole tries to grab his lunch, but Hunter slaps his hand. Hunter pulls out a juice box.

     “Oh, it’s apple juice,” Cole says.

     “I can read,” Hunter says, glaring at him. Kurt looks over.

     “PB and J with the crusts cut off,” Hunter continues. “Well, Michael, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?”

     “Uh, no, Mr. Cole,” Cole says.

     “Ah...” Hunter says, understandingly. Kurt and Steph smile. Hunter stands up and continues talking.

     “Here’s my impression of growing up at big Mike’s house,” he says. He walks to the back of the conference room. Jeff stares at him intently. Cole turns around to watch. Hunter cups his left hand against the side of his mouth.

     “Son!” he says, cheerfully.

     “Yea dad?” he says, in a higher-pitched voice, while pointing to his dimples.

     “How’s your day, pal?”

     “Great dad! How’s yours?” Cole’s expression changes to a look of discomfort.

     “Super!” says ‘dad’. Steph smiles. “Say son. How’d ya like to go fishing this weekend?” ‘Son’ lets out a surprised and happy sigh.

     “Great dad!” he says, cheerfully. His tone changes to sadness. “But I’ve got homework to do.”

     “That’s all right son! You can do it on the boat!”

     “Gee!” Kurt’s smile turns to a serious expression.

     “Dear, isn’t our son swell?” asks ‘dad’.

     “Yes dear, isn’t life swell?” replies ‘mom’. Hunter then proceeds to make kissy faces, and then punches imaginary dad in the chin. The other 4 superstars don’t know what to say.

     “All right,” Kurt says. “What about your childhood?”

     “Oh mine?” Hunter says.

     “Yeah,” Kurt says.

     “It’s real easy,” Hunter says, getting up and walking to the back of the room again. He turns around, and starts rubbing at his face, acting drunk, possibly portraying his father. He points at an imaginary figure.

     “Stupid, worthless, no good, god damn, free-loadin’ son of a bitch,” he says. “Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all asshole jerk.”

     Hunter stands back, folds his arms across his chest, apparently imitating his mother.

     “You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful,” he says, in a womanly voice.

     “Shut up bitch!” Hunter’s dad yells, backhanding Hunter’s mom in the face. “Go fix me a turkey pot pie.”

     “What about you dad?” Hunter asks.

     “Fuck you,” his dad says.

     “No, dad, what about you?” he asks.

     “Fuck you!” his dad says.

     “No, dad. What. About. You?” Hunter asks.

     “FUCK. YOU!” his dad yells, punching Hunter in the face. Stephanie looks at Hunter, sadly.

     “Is that for real?” Cole asks.

     “You wanna come meet them sometime?” Hunter asks, angrily.

     “That’s bullshit,” Kurt says. “It’s all part of your image. I don’t believe a word of it.”

     “You don’t believe me?” Hunter asks.

     “No,” Kurt says.

     “No?” Hunter asks, obviously pissed off.

     “Did I stutter?” Kurt says sarcastically. Hunter walks up next to Kurt and rolls up his right sleeve, exposing a scar on his right forearm. Steph looks away sadly. Kurt looks away, embarrassed.

     “Do you believe this?” Hunter asks Kurt. “It’s about the size of a cigar. Do I stutter?” Kurt tries to get away, but Hunter is right in his ear.

     “You see, this is what you got in my house when you spilled paint in the garage,” Hunter says. He rolls down his sleeve, and backs away.

     “See, I don’t think, that I need to sit with you fucking dildos anymore,” Hunter says angrily, pointing in Kurt’s direction. He walks to the back of the room, where there is a table with WWE and Raw magazines strewn. He angrily pushes/throws them off, climbs up onto the table, grabs the railing overhead, and pulls himself up onto the landing of the staircase that leads to the second floor of the conference room. He hugs the rail and puts his head against the wood banister, and breathes heavily. Jeff gives Kurt a dirty look. Steph looks up at Kurt.

     “You shouldn’t have said that,” she tells him.

     “How did I know?” Kurt says quietly. “I mean, he lies about everything anyway.” Kurt shrugs.

     Vince is in his office, eating an orange. He goes to pour coffee from his thermos into a Styrofoam cup, and it spills all over his desk. He tries not to get upset.

     “Oh shit,” he mumbles. He puts on his suit jacket and walks out of his office. He mumbles something about the bottom of the Mississippi River. He walks past the door to the conference room. As he turns the corner, the conference room door opens, and Hunter looks out to make sure Vince isn’t watching. He motions for the other 4 superstars to follow him.

     Vince walks into the Executive Lounge. Steph follows Hunter around a corner.

     “How do you know where Vince went?” she asks.

     “I don’t,” Hunter replies. Kurt and Cole follow them. Jeff is walking behind them.

     “Then, how do you know when he’ll be back?” she asks.

     “I don’t,” he says. He looks over at her. “Bein’ bad feels pretty good, huh?” Steph stares at him in disbelief.

     “What’s the point of going to Hunter’s locker?” Cole asks Kurt, as Kurt keeps looking behind him, checking for Vince.

     “Beats me,” he replies. Cole looks at him in disbelief.

     “This is so stupid,” Cole says. “Why do you think…why are we risking getting caught?”

     “I don’t know,” Kurt says.

     “So then, what are we doing?” Cole asks.

     “You ask me one more question,” Kurt says. “And I’m beating the shit out of you.”

     “Sorry,” Cole says.

     The superstars get to Hunter’s locker. He opens it up, and a blade falls, cutting off the end of a sneaker, like a guillotine. The other superstars look at each other in disbelief. Hunter's locker is a disaster, with random papers and objects spilling out onto the floor.

     "...Slob," Kurt says.

     "My maid's on vacation," Hunter replies, pulling out a damp, folded paper bag. He opens it, and pulls out a smaller paper bag. Inside that, an evern smaller paper bag. And inside that is a clear plastic bag filled with marijuana. Cole sniffs the air. Hunter closes his locker door.

     "Drugs!" Cole exclaims.

     "Screw that, Hunter," Kurt says. "Put it back."

     Hunter walks away.

     "Marijuana," Cole says, shocked. "The guy has marijuana."

     Stephanie follows Hunter.

     "That was marijuana," Cole holds a hand over his mouth.

     "Shut up," Kurt says, and follows Hunter and Steph. Jeff is standing with his mouth open.

     "Do you approve of this?" Cole asks Jeff. Jeff doesn't answer, and Cole walks away. Jeff walks up to Hunter's locker and steals the combination lock, since Hunter didn't lock it.

     "We'll cross through the reasearch and development lab and then we'll double back," Hunter says.

     "You better be right," Kurt says. "If Vince cuts us off, it's your fault."

     "What'd he say?" Cole says. "Where are we going?"

     The superstars start following Hunter, who stops abruptly when he notices Vince down one of the hallways. Hunter, Kurt, Steph, and Cole all start running. Jeff casually walks after them. The superstars tear through the hallways, trying to avoid Vince, but it seems that every corner they turn, Vince is right there. But they always seem to turn back before he notices them.

     "Wait, wait, hold it," Hunter says. "We have to...we have to go through the cafeteria."

     "No, the booking offices," Kurt says.

     "Hey, man, you don't know what you're talking about," Hunter says.

     "No, you don't know what you're talking about!" Kurt says. Jeff makes a high-pitched whining noise. Kurt continues. "Now we're through listening to you. We're going this way. Come on!" Kurt and Cole run down the hallway. Steph takes off after them. Jeff looks at Hunter for assurance, walking backwards, stamping his feet. Hunter runs after the other 3, and Jeff does too.

     After a few more minutes of running, the superstars reach a dead end where the booking offices are caged off. Hunter grabs the bars and shakes them angrily.

     "Shit!" he yells. "Great idea, jackoff!"

     "Fuck you," Kurt says.

     "Fuck you!" Steph shrieks at Kurt. "Why didn't you listen to Hunter?"

     "We're dead," Cole says. Hunter sighs in aggravation.

     "Nah," he says. "Just me." Steph looks at him.

     "What do you mean?" Cole asks. Hunter looks over at Cole.

     "Get back to the conference room," he says, pulling the bag of weed out of his pocket and shoving it in Cole's pants. "And keep the unit on you."

     Hunter takes off down the hallway, singing. "I wanna be a Wrestling Hall of Famer..."

     Vince hears Hunter's voice. "That son of a bitch." Vince takes off looking for Hunter.

     "Before the day I die..." Hunter keeps singing at the top of his lungs, running through the halls, banging on lockers, pulling posters off the wall, etc. Vince runs after him, but is obviously winded. Vince finally catches up to Hunter in the gym, where Hunter is playing basketball.

     "YAHHHH!!!" Hunter yells, dribbling the ball. "3...2....1....AAAHHHH!!" He does a slam dunk.

     "HUNTER!" Vince yells. "HUNTER!"

     "GAME POINT!" Hunter screams, raising his arms in victory celebration.

     "HUNTER!" Vince yells again. "WHAT IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT IS THIS?"

     "Hi!" Hunter says, dribbling the ball.

     "Out, that's it, Hunter. Out, it's over."

     "Don't you wanna hear my excuse?" Hunter asks, spinning the ball on his finger.

     "Out!"

     "I'm thinking about playin' in a charity game."

     "Gimme the ball, Hunter." Hunter looks at Vince. "Give me that ball."

     Hunter fake throws it at Vince. Vince goes to catch it. Hunter fake throws it again. Vince tries to catch it again. Finally, Hunter sets the ball on the floor and slowly rolls it over to Vince, who punts it. Hunter jumps out of the way.

     Back in the library, Vince pushes Hunter over to his seat. "Get yer stuff."

     Vince addresses the other superstars. "Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day."

     "B-O-O. H-O-O," Hunter says.

     "Everything's a big joke, huh Hunter?" Vince asked. "The false alarm you pulled at the arena Monday night....false alarms are really funny, aren't they?" Hunter looked like he was trying to hide a smile. Vince continued. "What if your home, what if your family..." Vince then realized Hunter didn't care. "What if your DOPE was on fire?"

     "Impossible, sir," Hunter replied. "It's in Michael's underwear." Cole looks extremely frightened. Kurt laughs.

     "What, you think he's funny?" Vince asks Kurt. "You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin'? Is that it?" Kurt hung his head and shrugged. "Let me tell you something. Look at him. He's a bum. You wanna see somethin' funny? You go visit Hunter Hearst Helmsley in 5 years. You'll see how god damn funny he is."

     Vince walked over to where Hunter was sitting and crouched down to his eye level. "What's the matter, Hunter? You gonna cry?" Hunter looked away. Jeff stared solemnly. "Let's go," Vince grabbed Hunter's shoulder.

     "Hey keep your FUCKIN' hands off me," Hunter shouted. "I expect better manners from ya, Vince." Cole stared down at the weed in his pants as Vince led Hunter out of the conference room.

     Vince took Hunter into a storage room. "That's the last time, Hunter. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those superstars, do you hear me?" Hunter didn't seem to be paying attention. "I make $31 million a year and I've got a mansion and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you. But someday, man, someday, when you're out of here, and you've forgotten all about this place and they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there." Hunter looked up. "That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you. I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt."

     "You threatenin' me?" Hunter asked.

     "What are you gonna do about it?" Vince asked. Hunter pondered. "You think anyone's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here. I'm a swell guy. You're a lyin' sack of shit and everybody knows it." Hunter hung his head. "Oh, tough guy. Hey, hey, hey. Come on! Come on!" Vince threw his suit jacket on the floor. "Get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now how tough you are! Come on, I'll give you the first punch. Let's go. Come on. Right here, just take the first shot. Please, I'm beggin' ya, take a shot." Vince closed his eyes and pointed to his chin, getting closer and closer to Hunter. "Just take one shot. That's all I need, just one swing..."

     Vince opened his eyes. Hunter just stared at him. Vince backed off, and threw a little fake punch at Hunter, who jumped a little.

     "That's what I thought," Vince said. "You're a gutless turd." Vince picked up his jacket, walked out of the storage room, turned the key and locked Hunter inside. Then he went into the faculty rest room. Hunter took the opportunity to climb up file cabinets and other objects in storage, remove a ceiling tile, and go crawling around up in the ceiling.

     "A naked blonde walks into a bar," Hunter said to himself. "With a poodle under one arm, and a 2 foot salami under the other." He laughed. "She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink'. The naked lady says....OH SHIT!!!" The ceiling gives way underneath Hunter's weight, and he goes crashing down into the conference room below.

     "Jesus Christ ALMIGHTY," Vince yells from the bathroom. Hunter walks over to the 4 other bewildered superstars.

     "Forgot my pencil," he says.

     "God dammit!" they hear Vince say. They all look up, startled. Vince rushes in to the conference room. "What in God's name is going on in here?"

     The superstars all shrug.

     "What was that ruckus?"

     "Uh...what ruckus?" Kurt says.

     "I was just in my office," Vince says. "And I heard a ruckus."

     "Could you describe the ruckus, sir?" Cole says.

     "Watch your tongue, young man," Vince says angrily. "Watch it."

     A loud thud is heard, as Hunter's head hits Kurt and Steph's table, which he is hiding under. Kurt tries to cover it up by drumming on the table. Hunter responds with drumming from underneath.

     "What is this?" Vince asked. More strange noises are heard. "What is that? What is that noise?"

     Hunter, under the table, has a great upskirt view of Stephanie.

     "What noise?" Kurt asks.

     "Really, daddy, there wasn't any noise," Steph adds. Hunter leans forward towards Stephanies crotch. Steph closes her knees hard around Hunter's head.

     "AHHHH," Hunter moans in pain. Steph coughs, trying to cover the sound. The other 3 superstars in view cough also.

     "That noise?" Steph asks. "Is that the noise you were talking about?"

     "No, it wasn't," Vince says. "That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will."

     Jeff laughs a little.

     "You may book on that, Mister." Vince points to Stephanie. "And you! I will not be made a fool of!"

     Vince turns around to leave, and the superstars see that he has toilet paper stuck in the waist of his pants. Jeff, Cole, and Kurt all laugh hysterically when Vince leaves. Stephanie moves her chair back and slaps Hunter hard on the back several times.

     "It was an accident," Hunter says.

     "You're an asshole," Steph replies.

     "Sue me." Hunter walks over to Cole. "So, Ahab...can I have all my doobage?"

     Cole reaches down, undoes his pants, and pulls out the bag of weed and hands it to Hunter.

     "Yo wastoid!" Kurt says. "You're not gonna blaze up in here."

     Steph looks back as Hunter walks to the back of the conference room. Then she turns around to face the front again. Then she looks at Kurt. Kurt shakes his head 'no'. Steph hangs her head. Then she gets up and follows Hunter. Cole watches her. Then he looks at Kurt, and motions that he wants to go too. Kurt mouths, 'I'm not going.' Cole twiddles his thumbs a little, then gets up, and goes to the back while zippering and buttoning his pants. Kurt fidgets in his seat for a minute. Jeff watches him to see what he'll do.

     "Shit," Kurt whispers to himself, then gets up and walks to the back of the conference room.

     Vince starts going down into the basement.

     Cole is laughing hysterically, seemingly due to the fact that he's wearing sunglasses. Hunter and Steph laugh at him a little, and Hunter lights Steph's joint. She takes a puff and coughs. Cole mocks her coughing. Hunter just smiles and laughs a little. Steph smiles back at Hunter, takes another puff, and doesn't cough this time. Cole takes a puff of his joint, blows out the smoke, then tries to catch the smoke in his mouth. Steph laughs at this.

     "Chicks cannot hold a smoke," Cole says in a weird voice. "That's what it is."

     Hunter laughs, then looks at Steph. She looks back at him, then starts talking.

     "Do you know how popular I am? I am SO popular, everybody loves me so much in this company..."

     "Poor baby," Hunter laughs.

     Jeff is still seated at one of the tables, watching in astonishment at the other superstars. Kurt Angle is up on the second floor of the conference room, smoking a joint and blaring music. Hunter, Steph, and Cole all look up at him. Kurt tosses the joint on the floor, unzips his hoodie and throws that on the floor too. He starts running around upstairs, sometimes dancing to the music, sometimes doing cartwheels and somersaults. He pulls his white long-sleeved t-shirt over his head, revealing a blue Nike tank top, and Cole whistles at him. Kurt contines running around upstairs. He finally goes back into the little room with the stereo, shuts the glass door and turns to face it.

     "YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" he yells, raising his arms up in victory. The volume of his scream causes the glass to shatter. Jeff is sitting at the table in disbelief.

     Vince is now in the basement, going through the medical records of his employees.

     "Steven Richards...Oh Steven Richards. A history of slight mental illness. No wonder he's so fucked up."

     Brooklyn Brawler walks in on Vince.

     "Afternoon, Vince," Brawler says.

     "Hey Brawler. How ya doin'?"

     "Good," Brawler smiles.

     "Good," Vince says. "What's up?"

     "Not much," Brawler says. "What's happening? What are you doing in the basement files?"

     "Oh nothing," Vince says. "Just doing a little homework."

     "Homework, huh?" Brawler says. "The confidential files."

     "Look, Brawler," Vince says. "This is a highly sensitive area and I...I tell ya something. Certain people would be very, very embarassed. I would really appreciate it if...if...if this could be something that you and I could...could keep between us."

     "What are you gonna do for me, man?" Brawler asks.

     "Wh..what...what would you like?"

     "Got 50 bucks?"

     "What?"

     "50 bucks."

     Michael Cole is laughing hysterically and Kurt Angle is chuckling. "No no no, man," Kurt says to Cole. "You got a middle name?"

     Cole looks up at Kurt and clears his throat. "You gotta guess."

     "Uhhh..."

     "Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke."

     Kurt and Cole look up in disbelief at Jeff Hardy, who is walking over to them, still talking.

     "Your birthday's March 12, you're 5'9" and a half, you weigh 130 pounds, and your social security number is 049-38-0913." Jeff sits down on the couch next to Cole, who looks astounded.

     "Wow," Kurt says. "Are you psychic?"

     "No," Jeff smiles, then looks over at the other two men.

     "Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this stuff about me?" Cole leans in towards Jeff. Jeff reaches in his backpack and pulls out a wallet.

     "I stole your wallet."

     "Give it to me," Cole says.

     "No," Jeff smiles.

     "Give it."

     Jeff hands it to Cole.

     "This is great, you're a thief too, huh?" Cole asks.

     "I'm not a thief," Jeff says.

     "Multi-talented," Kurt says.

     "What's there to steal?" Jeff adds. "A few bucks and a beaver shot."

     "A what??" Kurt says.

     "He's got a nudie picture in there," Jeff says. "I saw it. It's perverted."

     "Alright! Let's see it!" Kurt says.

     Hunter is holding Stephanie's compact and is using her makeup for all the wrong reasons. For example, using her blush brush to clean his teeth. Steph is going through Hunter's wallet billfold. She glances up at him.

     "Are all these your girlfriends?" she asks.

     "Some of 'em," he answers.

     "What about the others?"

     "Well, some I consider my girlfriends," Hunter replies, going through more of Steph's makeup. "And some I just consider."

     "Consider what?"

     "Whether or not I wanna hang out with them."

     "You don't believe in just one guy, one girl?" Steph asks. Hunter looks over at her.

     "Do you?"

     "Yeah, that's the way it should be."

     "Well, not for me."

     "Why not?"

     "How come you've got so much SHIT in your purse?" Hunter asks.

     "How come you have so many girlfriends?" Steph asks.

     "I asked you first," Hunter says.

     "I dunno," Steph shrugs. "I guess I never throw anything away."

     "Neither do I," Hunter says matter-of-factly.

     "Oh," Stephanie says unapprovingly.

     "This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen," Kurt says to Cole. Cole laughs. Kurt continues. "Do you realize you made yourself 68?"

     "I know, I know," Cole says. "I goofed it."

     "What do you need a fake ID for?" Kurt asks, as Jeff rocks slightly in his seat.

     "So I can vote," Cole says.

     "Wanna see what's in my bag?" Jeff asks.

     "No," Kurt and Cole say in stereo, both holding up their hands in protest. Jeff looks hurt, and dumps the contents of his backpack on the couch anyways. Kurt and Cole stare in amazement.

     "Holy shit," Kurt mutters, as Cole picks up random things. "What is all that?"

     "Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?" Cole asks.

     "Yeah," Jeff says. "I always carry this much shit in my bag. You never know when you may need it."

     "Are you gonna be like those shopping bag ladies?" Cole asks. "You, like, sit in alleyways, and like, talk to buildings, and wear worn-out shoes, and that kinda thing?"

     "I'll do what I have to do," Jeff says.

     "Well, why do you HAVE to do anything?" Cole asks.

     "My home life is un-satisfying," Jeff says.

     "So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of these Stamford streets because your home life is 'un-satisying'?" Cole says.

     "I don't have to run away and live in the streets," Jeff says. "I can run away and I can go to the ocean. I can go to the country. I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa...Afghanistan."

     Jeff looks like he might cry. Cole turns away from Jeff and to Kurt. "Angle, wanna get in on this? Jeffrey here says he wants to run away because his home life is un-satisfying."

     Kurt looks up at Jeff. "Well everyone's home life is un-satisfying. If it wasn't, people would live with their parents forever."

     "Yeah, yeah, I understand that," Cole whispers as Jeff just stares at them. "But I thinks his goes beyond what guys like you and me would consider 'normal' un-satisfying."

     "Nevermind, forget it, everything's cool," Jeff saysm packing his stuff back into his bag.

     "What's the deal?" Kurt asks.

     "No," Jeff shakes his head. "There's no DEAL, Olympic boy. Forget it, leave me alone."

     "Wait a minute," Kurt says. "If you're carrying all that crap around in your bag, either you really wanna run away...or you want people to THINK you wanna run away."

     "Eat shit," Jeff says, and storms off.

     "That guy is an island in herself," Cole says to Kurt. Kurt goes after Jeff, who is leaning over a bookshelf. Jeff looks up when he hears Kurt walk over.

     "Hey," Kurt says softly. "You wanna talk?"

     "No," Jeff says.

     "Why not?"

     "Go away."

     "Where do you want me to go?" Kurt shrugs.

     "GO...AWAY!"

     Kurt looks into Jeff's eyes, then starts to walk away.

     "You have problems," Jeff says.

     "Oh I have problems?" Kurt says.

     "You do everything everybody ever tells you to do!" Jeff says. "THAT is a problem."

     "OK fine," Kurt says. "But I didn't dump my bag on the couch and invite people into MY problems."

     Jeff's jaw drops a little.

     "Did I?" Kurt asks, and walks back over to Jeff. "So what's wrong? What is it?"

     Jeff looks like he wants to say something, but doesn't. Kurt sighs. "Is it bad? Real bad? Parents?"

     Jeff looks at Kurt. Obviously a nerve was struck.

     "Yeah," Jeff breathes and nods a little. Kurt nods back.

     "What do they do to you?" Kurt asks.

     "They ignore me."

     "Yeah," Kurt says, looking a little teary-eyed.

     Vince McMahon and Brooklyn Brawler are in the basement, drinking beer.

     "What did you wanna be when you were young?" Vince asks. Brawler ponders for a second.

     "When I was a kid, I wanted to be Hulk Hogan," he replies.

     "Brawler, don't be a goof," Vince says. "I'm trying to make a serious point here. Brawler, I've been running this company for 22 years. And each year, these wrestlers get more and more arrogant."

     "Aw, bullshit, man," Brawler says, shaking his head. "Come on, Vince. The wrestlers haven't changed, you have."

     Vince sighs.

     "You took this position because you thought it would be fun, right?" Brawler says. "Thought you could travel the world. But then you found out it was actually WORK. That really bummed you out."

     Vince shakes his head. "These wrestlers turned on me." He nods his head. "They think I'm a big fuckin' joke."

     "Come on. Listen, Vince," Brawler says. "If you were one of the wrestlers, what would you think of you, huh?"

     "Hey, Brawler," Vince says cockily. "You think I give one rat's ass what these wrestlers think of me?"

     "Yes I do," Brawler nods, taking another swig of beer. Vince turns away, then looks back at Brawler.

     "You think about this," Vince says. "When you get old, these punks...when I get old, they're gonna be running the company."

     Brawler smiles. "Yeah."

     "Now this is the thought that wakes me up int he middle of the night," Vince says. Brawler looks at him. Vince continues. "That when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me."

     "I wouldn't count on it," Brawler says.

     The 5 superstars are seated in a semi-circle on the floor.

     "What would I do for a million bucks?" Kurt ponders. "I guess that...I'd do as little as I had to."

     "That's BORING," Steph says.

     "Well, how am I supposed to answer?"

     "The idea is to, like, seach your mind for the absolute limit, like, uh..." she thinks, then smiles. "Would you drive to a PPV naked?"

     Kurt laughs. "Um...uh...would I have to get out of the car?"

     "Of course."

     "In the spring...or winter?" Kurt asks.

     "Doesn't matter...spring."

     "In front of the arena, or the back of the arena?"

     "Either one."

     "Yes."

     Steph looks at him in amazement.

     "I'd do that," Jeff says quickly. "I'll do anything sexual, and I don't need a million dollars to do it either."

     Steph looks at him. "You're lying."

     "I already have," Jeff says. Hunter looks over at him as he keeps talking. "I've done just about everything there is, except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac." Kurt smiles. Steph makes a face.

     "Lie."

     "Are your parents aware of this?" Cole asks Jeff.

     "The only person I told was my shrink," Jeff says.

     "What did he do when you told him?" Kurt asks. Jeff smiles.

     "He nailed me."

     Kurt turns away from Jeff. Steph makes another face. "Very nice," she mutters.

     "I don't think that from a legal standpoint," Jeff adds. "That what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him."

     "He's a man!" Steph exclaims.

     "Yeah," Jeff agrees. "And he's married too."

     "Oh!" Steph looks absolutely horrified. "Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?"

     "Well, the first few times..."

     "The first few TIMES?" Steph shrieks. "You mean he did it more than once?"

     "Sure."

     "Are you crazy?"

     "Obviously he's crazy if he's screwng his shrink," Cole says. Steph still looks mortified.

     "Have you ever done it?" Jeff asks Steph.

     "I don't even have a psychiatrist," Steph says, rolling her eyes.

     "Have you ever done it with a normal person?" Jeff clarifies.

     "Didn't we already cover this?" Steph asks, annoyed.

     "You never answered the question<" Hunter says. Jeff waits for an answer.

     "Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers," Steph says with her hand on her chest.

     "It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?" Jeff asks.

     "What?" Steph says.

     "Well if you say you haven't, you're a prude," Jeff says. "If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to, but you can't. And when you do, you wish you didn't. Right?"

     "Wrong," Steph says.

     "Or are you a tease?" Jeff asks.

     "She's a tease," Kurt says.

     "Oh, sure, why don't you just forget it?" Steph says.

     "Oh, you're a tease and you know it," Kurt says. "All girls are teases."

     "She's only a tease, if what she does gets ya hot," Hunter says.

     "I don't do anything!" Steph says.

     "That's why," Jeff says. "You're a tease."

     "OK, let me ask you a few questions," Steph says to Jeff.

     "I already told you everything," he smiles.

     "No, doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love?" Steph asks. "I mean, don't you want any respect?"

     Hunter looks up at Steph, and Jeff answers her. "I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me."

     "It's not the only difference, I hope," Steph says.

     "Face it," Hunter says. "You're a tease."

     "I'm NOT a tease."

     "Sure you are," Hunter says. "Sex is your weapon, you said it yourself. You use it to get respect."

     "No, I never said that!" Steph says. "Jeff twisted my words around."

     "What do you use it for then?" Hunter asks.

     "I don't use it, PERIOD."

     "Oh, are you medically frigid, or is it psychological?"

     Steph closes her eyes tightly and shakes her head. "I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!"

     "Well if you'd just answer the question," Hunter says.

     "Why don't you just answer the question?" Cole asks.

     "Be honest," Kurt says.

     "No big deal," Hunter adds. Jeff stares at her.

     "Yeah answer it," Cole says. Steph looks around.

     "Just answer the question Steph," Kurt says.

     "Talk to us," Hunter says.

     "Come on! Answer the question!" The 3 guys say. Stephanie looks very irritated.

     "Come on, it's easy," Hunter says. "It's just one question."

     "NO!" Steph yells. "I NEVER DID IT!"

     Hunter looks at her sympathetically. Jeff stares at her. Stephanie looks away, frustrated.

     "I never did it either," Jeff says. Steph gives him a very angry look. Jeff smiles. "I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar."

     "You are such an asshole," Steph says to Jeff. "You did that on purpose, just to fuck me over."

     "I would do it though," Jeff says. "If you love someone, it's ok."

     "I can't believe you," Steph says. "You're so weird. You don't say anything all day, and then when you open your mouth, you unload all these tremendous lies all over me."

     "You're just pissed off cuz he got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to," Kurt says.

     "OK fine," Steph says. "But that doesn't make it any less bizzare."

     "What's bizzare?" Kurt says. "I mean, we're all pretty bizzare. Some of us are just better at hiding it. That's all."

     "How are you bizzare?" Steph asks Kurt. Kurt looks down. Jeff speaks up.

     "He can't think for himself."

     Kurt nods. "He's right. Do you guys know what I did to get in here?"

     Steph shakes her head 'no'.

     "I taped Albert's buns together."

     Steph laughs a little.

     "That was you?" Cole asks.

     "Yeah, you know him?"

     "Yeah, I know him."

     "Then you know how hairy he is, right?" Kurt asks. Hunter smiles as Kurt continues. "Well, when they were taking the tape off, most of his hair came off...and some..some skin too."

     "Oh my God," Steph says, closing her eyes.

     "And the bizzare thing is," Kurt says. "Is I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor guy because I wanted him to think I was cool. He's always going off about when he was in amateur wrestling, all the wild things he used to do, ya know? And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Albert's undressing a couple yards away from me. And...he's kinda...flabby, weak. And I started thinking about my father and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him, and started wailing on him. And the other wrestlers...they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sitting in Vince's office, all I could think about was Albert's father, and Albert calling home, and explaining what happened to him. And the humiliation..." Kurt starts choking back tears. "Fucking humiliation he must have felt. It must have been unreal. I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way. It's all because of me and my old man. God I fucking hate him. He's like this...this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. KURT! You've got to be number 1!" Kurt sobs. "I won't tolerate any losers in this family. Your intensity is for shit! WIN. WIN! WIN!! You son of a bitch. You know sometimes, I wish my knee would give. And I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. He could forget all about me."

     "I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling," Hunter says. Cole looks up.

     "That was like me...and my commentating," Cole says. Kurt looks at him weirdly. "When I take a step outside myself kinda, and I look in at myself, ya know, and I see me, I don't like what I see. I really don't."

     "What's wrong with you?" Steph asks. "Why don't you like yourself?"

     "It sounds stupid," Cole says. "Cuz I'm failing Promo Workshop."

     Hunter looks up at him.

     "We had this assignment, ya know," Cole continues. "To come up with this 20 minute promo. And we had 8 weeks to do it. And it was, like, an interview. And when you talked, this light was supposed to go on, signifying the crowd reacting. And my light didn't go on. I got an F on it. I've never gotten an F in my life. When I signed up for the workshop, I mean, I thought I was playing it real smart, ya know? I thought, I'll go to Promo Workshop. It'll be an easy way to show Vince that I'm talented and I can be on the microphone."

     "Why'd ya think it'd be easy?" Hunter asks.

     "Have you seen some of the dopes that go to Promo Workshop?"

     "I go to Promo Workshop." Hunter looks at Cole. "You must be a fucking idiot."

     "I'm a fucking idiot cuz I can't deliver a promo?"

     "No, you're a genius cuz you can't deliver a promo."

     "What do you know about play-by-play commentary?"

     "I could care LESS about play-by-play commentary."

     "Hunter, did you know without play-by-play, the fans wouldn't know what's going on?"

     "Without promos, there'd be no fan reaction."

     "OK, so neither one of you is any better than the other one," Steph says diplomatically.

     "I can write with my toes," Jeff says. Everyone looks at him. "I can also eat, brush my teeth..."

     "With your feet?" Steph asks.

     "Play "Heart and Soul" on the piano," Jeff finishes.

     "I can make spaghetti," Cole says. Jeff smiles.

     "What can you do?" Steph asks Kurt.

     "I can..uh...tape all your buns together," Kurt smiles.

     "I wanna see what Steph can do," Hunter says.

     "I can't do anything," Steph says.

     "No, everybody can do something," Hunter says. Steph smiles.

     "There's one thing I can do," she says. Then she shakes her head. "No forget it, it's way too embarrassing."

     "You ever seen the stuff Warrior writes?" Hunter says. "I mean, that guy's been doing that for several years."

     "OK," Steph says, going through her purse. "You have to swear to God you won't laugh."

     Hunter clears his throat and then crosses himself.

     "OK," Steph says. She opens her lipstick and laughs. "I can't believe I'm actually doing this." She puts the lipstick in between her breasts, leans forwards, and rubs her lips against the lipstick. The other 4 superstars watch her in amazement. She lifts her head, and her lipstick is on pretty nicely.

     "Alright!" Kurt says, clapping. Jeff grins. Cole and Hunter clap too. "That's great! Where'd you learn to do that?"

     "Camp, 7th grade," Steph says, as Hunter keeps clapping dramatically. Steph looks up at him and he stops.

     "That was great, Steph," he says. Steph wipes the lipstick off her lips. "My image of you is totally blown."

     "You're a shit," Jeff says to Hunter. "Don't do that to her. You swore to God you wouldn't laugh."

     "Am I laughing?" Hunter says.

     "You fuckin' prick!" Kurt says. Hunter glares at him.

     "What do you care what I think anyway?" he asks. "I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever, and it wouldn't make any difference. I may as well not even EXIST in this company, remember?" Hunter looks over at Stephanie. "And you...don't like me anyway."

     "You know, I have just as many feelings as you do, and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them," Steph says.

     "God damn, you're so pathetic," Hunter says. "Don't you ever compare yourself to me, okay? You've got everything, and I've got shit. Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? WWE would probably fuckin' shut down if you didn't show up. The Billion Dollar Princess isn't here."

     Stephanie looks like she's fighting tears.

     "I like those earrings, Steph," Hunter says.

     "Shut up," she mumbles.

     "Are those REAL diamonds, Steph?"

     "Shut up."

     "I bet they are. Did you WORK for the money to pay for those earrings?"

     "Shut your MOUTH."

     "Or did your daddy buy them for you?"

     "SHUT UP!!"

     "I bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. Right?"

     Stephanie looks away, with tears in her eyes.

     "You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a better fuckin' year at the old LeVesque family. I got a bottle of Stacker 2. The old man grabbed me and said, here pump up, Pauly!"

     Stephanie is trying really hard to stop the tears from coming.

     "OK, so go cry to your daddy. Don't cry here, okay?"

     Steph breathes heavily and Jeff looks away. Hunter just stares at her as she wipes the tears away.

     "My God, are we gonna be like our parents?" Kurt whispers.

     "Not me," Steph says. Hunter looks at her and she looks back at him. "Ever." Hunter nods.

     "It's unavoidable," Jeff says. Hunter looks over. "It just happens."

     "What happens?" Steph asks as Hunter rests his head back against the wall.

     "When you grow up," Jeff says. "Your heart dies."

     "Who cares?" Hunter says.

     "I care," Jeff replies.

     "Um, I was just thinkin'," Cole says. "I know it's kinda a weird time, but I was just wondering um...what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again. I mean, I consider you guys my friends. I'm not wrong, am I?"

     "No," Kurt says.

     "So on Monday," Cole continues. "What happens?"

     "Are we still friends, ya mean?" Steph asks. "If we're friends now, that is."

     "Yeah," Cole says.

     "You want the truth?"

     "Yeah I want the truth."

     Steph sighs. "I don't think so."

     "With all of us, or just Hunter?" Jeff smiles.

     "With all of you."

     "That's a real nice attitude, Steph," Kurt says, piling on the sarcasm.

     "Oh be honest, Kurt," Steph says. "If Michael came walking up to you backstage at Raw Monday, what would you do? I mean, picture this, you're there with all the amateur background wrestlers. I know exactly what you'd do. You'd say 'hi' to him, and when he left, you'd cut him all up so your friends didn't think you really liked him."

     "No way," Kurt says, looking at Cole.

     "Hey," Jeff says to Steph. "What if I came up to you?"

     "Same exact thing," Steph replies.

     "You are a BITCH," Hunter says angrily.

     "Why? Cuz I'm telling the truth? That makes me a bitch?"

     "No," Hunter says. "Cuz you know how shitty that is to do to someone. And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like."

     "OK, what about you, ya hypocrite?" Steph shrieks. "Why don't you take Jeff to one of your steroid-pumping body-building competitions?"

     Jeff laughs through tears.

     "Or take Michael out to the parking lot at dinner time and shoot up steroids. Or what about Kurt for that matter, or what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking backstage together? They'd laugh their asses off. And you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me."

     "Don't you EVER talk about my friends!" Hunter yelled at her. "You don't KNOW any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't CONDASCEND to SPEAK to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know - shopping, nail polish, your father's billion dollars and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Carribbean!"

     "SHUT UP!!" Stephanie screamed, kicking Hunter's leg.

     "And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk backstage together at Raw, you can forget it! Cuz it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand, and wait for your fucking wedding."

     "I hate you," Stephanie cried.

     "YEAH? Good!"

     "Then I assume Jeff and I are better people than you guys, huh?"Cole asked. "Us weirdos. Do you..." Cole looked at Jeff. "Would you do that to me?"

     "I don't have any friends," Jeff said. Cole sighed.

     "If you did."

     "No," Jeff answered. "I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind."

     "I just wanna tell each of you," Cole said. "That I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't, and I will not. Cuz I think that's real shitty."

     "Your friends wouldn't mind cuz they look up to us," Steph whispered.

     "You're so conceited...Steph, you're so conceited," Cole said, wiping his eyes. "You're just, full of yourself. Why are you like that?"

     "I'm not saying that to be conceited," Steph cried. "I hate it. I hate having to go along with everything my friends say."

     "Then WHY do you do it?"

     "I dunno...I don't know. You don't understand. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Kurt and I are friends with. You know? You just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you."

     "I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Steph? Well FUCK YOU. Fuck you," Cole sobbed. "Do you know why I'm here today? DO YOU?" Michael wiped his eyes. "I'm here because Jim Ross found a gun in my locker."

     "Why'd you have a gun in your locker?" Kurt asked.

     "I tried," Cole sobbed. "I delivered the promo, and the light was supposed to go on. It didn't go on. I mean..."

     "What's the gun for, Michael?" Kurt asked.

     "Just forget it."

     "You brought it up, man."

     "I can't have an F," Cole says. "I can't have it, and I knew Vince wouldn't be pleased. Even if I did an excellent job calling all the matches from now on, Vince would still see me as a failure."

     "Michael..." Steph whispers. Cole bangs his fist on the wall.

     "So I was considering my options, ya know?"

     "No, killing yourself is NOT an option."

     "Well, I didn't do it, did I??" Cole raised his voice. "No, I don't think so."

     "It was a hand gun?" Jeff asked.

     "No, it was a flare gun," Cole answered. "It went off in my locker."

     "Really?" Kurt laughed.

     "It's not funny," Cole mumbled. Kurt tried to stop, but a few laughs escaped. Jeff started to crack a smile. So did Hunter. Then Cole did too. "Yes, it is." He laughed a little. "My fuckin' promo tape was destroyed."

     Jeff grinned. "You wanna know what I did to get in here?"

     The other 4 superstars looked at him.

     "Nothing," he laughed. "I didn't have anything better to do."

     The other 4 superstars erupted in laughter.

     "You're laughing at me," Jeff said.

     "No," Kurt protested.

     "Yeah, you are," Jeff laughed.

     Michael went up into one of the offices above the conference room and put a CD into the stereo. Jeff spun in circles, as Hunter rocked out on the statue of Vince McMahon, Sr. he had climbed. Michael bounced up and down in the office. Stephanie danced on the landing of the staircase. Kurt drummed on his leg. He also played air guitar.

     The superstars also danced in pairs and trios up on the railing. First, Hunter and Jeff, then Hunter, Cole, and Kurt. Then Stephanie and Jeff danced together on the railing. Hunter danced around heavy metal/thrash style on the floor, and then Jeff "danced", but ended up laying still on the floor.

     Hunter crawled back up into the ceiling and went back into the storage room that Vince has locked him in earlier. Kurt, Jeff, Stephanie, and Michael all sat in a row on the railing. Stephanie turned to Cole.

     "Michael?"

     "Hmm?"

     "Are you gonna do your survey?"

     "Yeah, why?"

     Steph smiled. "Well, it's kinda a waste for all of us to do our surveys, don't you think?"

     Cole pondered. "Well that's what Vince wants us to do."

     "True," Steph said. "But I think we'd all kind of say the same thing."

     Cole smiled. "You just don't wanna do the survey, right?"

     "True, but you're the most eloquent, right?"

     "Well," Cole smiled cockily.

     "We trust you."

     Cole looked for approval from Kurt and Jeff.

     "Yeah," Kurt nodded.

     "Alright," Michael agreed. "I'll do it."

     "Great," Steph smiled. Then Steph turned to Jeff. He looked over at her. Steph smiled at him. "Come on."

     "Where are we going?" Jeff asked.

     "Come on," Steph tugged on Jeff's shirt, and hopped off the railing.

     "Don't be afraid," Steph said, applying eyeliner to Jeff's eyes.

     "Don't stick that in my eye," Jeff pleaded.

     "I'm not sticking it...just close it...No wait a minute. Just close it. Go like that." Steph closed her eyes for demonstration. "Good."

     Jeff whimpered. Steph smiled.

     "You know, you really do look a lot better without all that paint shit around your eyes."

     "Hey, I like that paint shit."

     Stephanie brushed Jeff's eyelashes with mascara. "This looks a LOT better. Look up."

     Cole sat at one of the tables, engrossed with the survey. Kurt sat on the railing, playing with his gold medal that hung around his neck.

     Jeff made gargling noises as Stephanie applied blush to his face. "Puh-LEASE," Jeff sighed. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

     "Because you're letting me," Steph laughed.

     Hunter sat in the storage room, and looked up when he heard the door open. Stephanie walked in and closed the door behind her.

     "You lost?" Hunter asked. The two smiled at each other.

     Michael worked on finishing the survey, and Kurt continued playing with his medal. Then he looked up at Jeff, who was standing in front of him, hair pulled back out of his face, and his face was now the color of flesh instead of blue and white facepaint. Cole looked up at Jeff, and his jaw dropped. Jeff made an angry face at him, until Cole smiled approvingly, and Jeff smiled back and whispered, "Thank you."

     Stephanie leaned forward and kissed Hunter on the neck.

     "Why'd you do that?" he asked.

     "Cuz I knew you wouldn't," Steph smiled. Hunter nodded.

     "You know how you said before, how your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?"

     "Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick?"

     "Truth?"

     "Truth," Steph nods her head 'yes'.

     Hunter nods his head 'yes', but says, "No," and smiles. Stephanie grins.

     Michael finishes the survey and kisses the paper.

     "What happened to you?" Kurt asks Jeff.

     "Why?" Jeff looks worried. "Steph did it. What's wrong?"

     "Nothing's wrong," Kurt smiles. "It's just so different. You can see your face."

     "Is that good or bad?" Jeff asks.

     "It's good," Kurt whispers. Jeff smiles.

     Michael punches himself victoriously on the arm.

     The 5 superstars walk down the hall to leave Titan Towers.

     "See ya, Michael," Brawler says. Cole waves. Kurt, Jeff, and Stephanie smile.

     "See ya next Saturday," Hunter grins.

     Michael Cole gets into his father's car. Kurt runs his fingers through Jeff's hair, and the two kiss. Jeff rips a patch off of Kurt's Olympic jacket as a souvenir. Kurt's father pulls up in his pick-up truck, and looks at Jeff. Kurt gets in, and they drive off. Stephanie opens Hunter's right hand, puts one of her diamond earrings in his palm, and closes his fist. The two kiss, but Stephanie pulls away before Hunter can slip her the tongue. She gets into the limo that will take her to the McMahon mansion. Hunter watches the car pull away, then puts Steph's earring in his pierced ear. He walks off.

     Back inside, Vince reads the letter that Cole wrote at the end of the survey.

Dr. Mr. McMahon,

     We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in the conference room of Titan Towers for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us complete a survey telling you how we think the WWE is doing. You see it as you want to see it. In the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions, with what we found out, is that each one of us is an announcer, an Olympic gold medallist, a freak, a Billion Dollar princess, and a heel. Does that answer your question?

     Sincerely yours,

     The WWE Breakfast Club

     Hunter walks across the front lawn of WWE headquarters, and raises a fist triumphantly in the air.

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