Title: SOE Satellite
Subtitle: Saving Lita's Privates
Author: Missy 
Email: webmiss@nasty-dress.net
This Part: 1
Parts total: 1
Rating: R
Content: mild language sexual innuendo, gross-out imagery, riffs of a 
questionable nature, jokes about warfare, sexual humor
Characters: Evolution, Stephanie McMahon, Eugene, William Regal
Category: Humor, parody
Het/Slash/Both: Gen
Summary: Hunter and Co. discover the horrendous ramblings of Keith Elliot 
Greenberg!

Archical rights: Automatic archival at the BCE Archive, Kai's Page, ND.net, 
Wrestlefic.com, and WM.  All others may ask, send a URL, and provide full 
disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to
submit 
my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a 
search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words,
such 
as "Google" 

Distribution rights: Please contact me in order for this story to be placed 
on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please 
email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the 
purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd 
like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. 
I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work! 

Disclaimer: Stephanie McMahon, et. Al are proprietized by themselves; 
Stephanie McMahon , as well as any other WWF c and TM character name, is C and
TM 
WWFE Inc.,. It is not meant to reflect on the sexuality of the actual involved 
parties. This piece of fanfiction is not intended to misrepresent actual events 
and bare no resemblance to any event that has ever occurred in reality, past 
or present. It is not meant to disparage the used character trademarks or used 
persons. No copyright infringement is intended, and the author is not making 
any money from the publication of this story.

NOTE: Keith Elliot Greenberg's nonsensical ramble is from WWE.com, of course! 
 Not my property.

ALL OPNIONS STATED WITHIN ARE MADE BASED UPON FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.  THEY ARE 
NOT MY OPINIONS.

****

(FADE IN: DAVE IS VACUUMING.  RANDY ORTON IS LYING ON THE UGLY COUCH, 
LISTENING INTENTLY TO SOMETHING.

ENTER RIC)

RIC FLAIR: "What are you fat boys doing?"

BATISTA: "Vacuuming."

RANDY: -singing-: "RABBIT!  WHERE'D YOU PUT THE KEYS, GIRL?!"

(BATISTA and RIC both seem unable to believe what they're hearing)

RF: -picking up CD case-: "Ha!  I KNEW IT!"

RO -coming out of trance, realizing his CD is gone-: "Hey!  That's mine!"

RF: "Tori Amos?!  Only CHICKS listen to Tori Amos!"

RO: "That's not true!  I'm trying to get laid...Give me that back!  She 
touched the liner notes!"

RF: "KEEPAWAY!"

B: -disgusted-: "Sorry, I'm not three!" -goes back to vacuuming-

(ENTER HUNTER, FROM STAGE RIGHT)

HHH: -to Ric-: "What are you doing?"

RF: "Teasing nerds.  WHOO!"

HHH: "gimmie that!" -looking at the case-: "Oh, her.  I don't get this chick. 
 I mean, who is Rabbit?  And where did she put the keys?  Why would she take 
them in the first place?"

RO: "That song is about clitoral circumcision, you dumbasses!"

(HUNTER stares at the case, looks from Ric to the case, then drops it)

HHH: "That's disgusting!"  

RF: "My head!  I'll never be clean again!"

(COMMERCIAL SIGN)

HHH: "Unfortunately, we'll be right back!)

(HITS IT)

(FADE OUT)

(COMMERCIALS)

(FADE IN)

HHH: "...And why would you want to kill a waitress?  Did she wipe her nose 
and stick her finger in your coffee?"

RO: "Well, I think the song is about feminine jealousy and the sexual power 
schematics of this day and age..."

(MEANINGFUL PAUSE)

RF: "...or she was on the rag when she wrote it."

HHH: "I'll accept that answer."

RO: "You guys are never going to get laid."

(MADS LIGHT FLASHES)

HHH: "Hey, Lenny and the Squiggtones are calling."  -hits button- "Go ahead, 
Sirs."

(CUT TO SM)

SM: "Hello, bags and sags.  Ready for your first assignment?"

(CUT TO SOE)

HHH: "Sure...but what's Eugene doing?"

(CUT TO SM)

SM: "He got his new hip-hop aerobics video in the mail today." 

(OVER HER SHOULDER, we see William Regal and Eugene dancing, badly)

WR: "I say, this popping and locking is doing wonders for my back."

E: "Anything would do wonders for your back, including four hundred pound 
midget!"

WR: "Exercise is good!  You're right again, Master Eugene!"

(CUT TO SOE)

HHH: "So what do we have, huh?  A bridge to cross?  A whale to slay?"

(CUT TO SM)

SM: "Hey, don't talk about Keith like that!"

(CUT TO SOE)

HHH: -paling-: "Keith...Eliott...Greenberg?"

(CUT TO SM) 

SM: -proudly-: "I told you I would make a writer of him!"

(CUT TO SOE)

HHH: "Stephanie, he's a photographer, and you had to show him how to operate 
his first computer."

(CUT TO SM)

SM -huffily-: "So?  He's become a great writer...as you'll see when you read 
his WWE.com article: 'Is Lita's predicament a human rights affair?'  Read it 
in pain, my pretties!"

WR: "I'm getting my groove thing on!" -crashing noises-

(CUT TO SOE)

HHH: -squinting-: "What kind of question is that?"

(SIRENS BLARE)

RF: "Get your ass on the couch, Game!  It's time!"

HHH: "Time for what?"

RF: "Just get on!" -he yanks Hunter onto the couch, where Randy is already 
sitting.-

(THE COUCH TRACKS BACKWARD

THROUGH
A
PATHWAY
OF
TEN
INDIVIDUAL
SLIDING
DOORS
NUMBERING
TEN

DEPOSITING THE GROUP BEFORE A LARGE SCREEN.  THEY ARE SILLHOUTTED FROM THE 
BACK)

HHH: "How the hell did you know that was going to happen?!"

RF: "I was looking for a bathroom, so..."

RO: "Don't make him tell the rest of the story, please!"

HHH: "Wait!  Where's Batista?"

B: -VO-: "Up here!"

RF: "Get down here, you big dope!"

B: "Sorry, I'm locked out.  Plus, I have dishes to do!"

HHH: -head in hands-: "Just start the file.  Someone.  Please."

(Is Lita's predicament a human rights issue?)

HHH: "No.  There, that was quick..."

RF -grabbing him-: "Sit down, scrub."

(by Keith Elliot Greenberg 
I've been working on a project at the United Nations this summer)

HHH: "'The UN: Why The Superfriends are Better at Governing Themselves Than 
we Are: By Keith Elliot Greenberg."

(and had a chance to scan the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, a 
timeless document championed by Eleanor Roosevelt. America's former First Lady
was a 
maverick for her time, and very much concerned with the rights of women. )

RF: -ER-: "The rights of men?  Screw them!"

(Perhaps that's why Article 16 plainly states, "Marriage shall be entered 
into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses." )

(ORTON and FLAIR both glance at HHH)

HHH: "Stephanie was consenting...consenting to that fifth martini!"

(The UN adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration on December 10, 
1948. Within the week, Mae Young stepped into the ring with Nell Stewart )

(ALL SIT OPEN-MOUTHED)

RO: "...My hands should be enshrined in a historical society.  I touched 
someone who survived the FDR administration!"

(at the Atlanta City Auditorium, and Columbus, Ohio promoter Al Haft 
presented a card featuring a tag match pitting Juanita Coffman and June Byers
against 
Therese Theis and Helen Hild (mother of future "Million Dollar Man" Ted 
DiBiase))

RF: "...I couldn't score with any of them...chippies."

(I think it's safe to speculate that none of these competitors ever imagined 
the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the plight of female wrestlers 
being discussed in the same room, much less the same conversation. )

RO -KEG-: "They were too busy baking pies and brithin' babies on dirt 
floors!"

(But here we are in 2004.)

HHH: "Life, basically, sucks."

(In South Asia, sub-Saharan Africa and at least one neighborhood I know in 
Queens, young women are forced into marriage because of an arrangement between 
the families -- or because the husband has kidnapped the bride.)

RF: "New York: it's a wacky Julia Roberts movie gone horribly wrong!"

(And, next Monday in Anaheim, California, Lita is scheduled to exchange vows 
with Kane on Raw - against her will. )

HHH: "I leave the bookers alone for one week, and we get THIS crap..."

(There's another parallel at work here. In the developing world, a man can 
claim a woman as his wife once she becomes pregnant and bears his child. )

RO: "My dad believed that.  It's what got our family a new couch!"

(Because Kane's own off-spring is allegedly forming inside Lita, the Big Red 
Monster feels entitled to enslave her in a loveless marriage. )

RO: "Kane's personal hero is Sonny Corinthos."

(Not too long ago, once a woman became pregnant, she generally took a 
sabbatical from the sport of kings. )

RF: "Wait, women can't play baseball!"

HHH: "No, he's talking about the WNBA!"

(When, Paul Heyman came along, and the acceptable community values of 
wrestling fans were eternally altered. )

RF: "So in the flow chart of pro wrestling values, Paul Heyman is to 
wrestling as Pink Flamingo is to filmmaking?"

(What does Paul Heyman have to do with this?)

RO: "He's the head booker!  Get him!  He created the Diva Search!"

(It was in Paul Heyman's Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) in 1996 that 
the uncomfortable subject of female reproduction was first introduced to 
sports-entertainment. )

HHH: "Another proud ECW moment..."

RF: "Right up there with those Ian Rotten death matches and crucifying 
Raven."

(As the cameras rolled, Beulah, a fetching manager/valet, told the world that 
she was pregnant. Raven, her purported lover at the time, seemed less than 
pleased. )

RO: -Raven-: "Look, baby, you can have as many brats as you want, but I'm NOT 
sharing my eyeliner!"

(But he was even more shocked when she announced that the baby wasn't his.)

HHH: "The home audience?  Not shocked."

(Enraged, he began beating up Stevie Richards)

HHH: "...Which episode of ECW was that again?"

(only to discover that the child was seemingly fathered by the "Innovator of 
Violence" Tommy Dreamer. )

RO: "And now the home audience was surprised!  Because PARTS OF TOMMY'S BODY 
STILL WORKED!"

(ALL MARVEL)

(Viewers freaked out. )

HHH: "Freaked out for an ECW audience or freaked out for a regular audience?"

RF: "Yeah, those words don't make sense in that order.  What do that mean?"

RO:  "Instead of just throwing chairs at the heels, they also lit them on 
fire?"

RF: "Instead of waiting for Terry Funk to do it?"

RO: "Yep."

RF: "That IS Hardcore.  Whoo!"

(Some syndicated stations yanked ECW off the air. But once the topic was out 
in the open, it stayed there.)

RF: "Insomniacs and junkies everywhere were outraged!"

RO: -laughing-: "Yeah, when I was in college, I used to smoke my bong to the 
tune of ECW's themesong!"

(In WWE in 1999, Terri Runnels declared that she was pregnant - and blamed 
D'Lo Brown for causing a miscarriage by knocking her off the ring apron. )

HHH: "...becoming a victim of Vince Russo's lack of originality!"

(In 2000, in World Championship Wrestling (WCW))

RF -narrowing eyes-: "In case we're all stupid."

( Stacy Keibler claimed to be carrying David Flair's tot. The two were 
prepared to wed in the ring - until Stacy also alleged that this was somebody
else's 
love-child. )

HHH: -cackling-: "Great parenting there, Ric!"

(Two years later, Stephanie McMahon revealed her "pregnancy" to her husband 
at the time, Triple H, and asked him to renew their vows. "The Cerebral 
Assassin" seemed overjoyed, until Stephanie's own mother, Linda McMahon,
informed him 
that her daughter - like Beulah, Terri and Stacy before her - was lying. )

HHH: -enraged-: "I didn't want to be reminded of that!"

RF -smugly-: "Who needs a 'use condoms' tee-shirt more now, pally?"

(Then, there was the bizarre incident four years ago involving Mae Young )

RO: "Oh, please don't make us go there..."

(- the same Mae Young who grappled at the Atlanta City Auditorium in 1948 - 
insisting that Mark Henry had fathered her unborn infant. )

RF: "LA LA LA, I can't HEAR YOU!"

(Mae asked for a cigar in the delivery room, before bewildering EMTs by 
giving birth to a plastic hand. )

HHH: "..."

RF: "..."

RO: "That was real?  I thought my roomate put something into my bong water!"

(In Lita's case, though, the circumstances are far less humorous. )

RF: "Ah, so if the Mae angle is to wrestling as Chris Kittan is to movies, 
then the Lita angle is to wrestling as Carrot Top is to movies!"

(She says that she became pregnant when she agreed to a liaison with Kane - 
on the condition that he left her boyfriend, Matt Hardy, alone. )

HHH: "And Kane's sperm, being superior in every way to human sperm, made her 
stupid enough not to take her birth control pills..."

RF: "You think his sperm would be inferior.  Like, if you put it under a 
microscope, they'd have two heads and be bumping into each other and such..."
(Yet, when Matt wanted revenge, Lita condoned him stepping through the ropes 
at SummerSlam with the grimacing ogre. )

HHH: "Someone booked Shrek into the angle without telling me?"

(Kane triumphed, and Lita had to marry him. That was the condition of the 
match. She consented to it - and so did Matt. )

RO: "Want to borrow my cell phone to check on your white slavery ring, 
Hunter?"

HHH: "You have a cell phone?"

RO: "No."

HHH: "Okay...what?"

(So is the impending ceremony a human rights violation? )

RF: "And if it is, shouldn't I be calling Amnesty International instead of 
writing a column on the Internet?"

(Not exactly. Lita put herself in this position by signing the declaration of 
war before SummerSlam. Like Saddam in Kuwait and Leopoldo Galtieri - the 
Argentine leader who provoked Great Britain into combat 22 years ago- in the 
Falkland Islands )

HHH: "...She's going to have to suck it up and try to repopulate the world 
with penguins?"

(, Matt Hardy lost. )

RO: -KEG-: "We should throw a noose around the neck of that statue of him in 
Buttlick, Kentucky and topple it!"

(And, with the UN distracted by bedlam in Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan and the 
Congo, he better figure out a way to help her. )

RF: "Because the UN is far, far too busy blowing up other countries to help 
you with your piddling human rights issues!"

HHH: "That's right!  Suck it up, Scottland!"

RO: "Eat it, Ireland!"

RF: "And we STILL don't have the flying cars The Jetsons promised us!  Get 
off your ass, Ford Motors!"

(DOOR SEQUENCE)

(FADE TO DARK:

ONSCREEN, AGAINST A NAVY BACKDROP, APPEAR THE WORDS:

CALIFORNIA: 2004

FADE IN ON:

A SEPIA-TONED LETTER)

HHH: -VO-: "Dear Mom: By the time you receive this letter, I'll be on the 
front lines.  Boy, I sure am nervous about going to war, but Sergeant says I
have 
the stuff to protect the most precious property in the world..."

(FADE IN ON: 
SEPIA-TONED PICTURE OF HHH, IN ARMY GEAR)

HHH: -still VO-: "It's a harsh world out there, Momma.  I don't know what 
kind of country would allow a red monster to invade it's moist, friendly shores, 
but I'll defend it to my dying breath.

Pray for me,
Huntsie."

(FADE OUT LETTER
FADE IN ON
MAIN LIVING AREA.  THE COUCH HAS BEEN DRAPED IN A CAMOFLAGE TARP, AND TWO 
BUSHES HAVE BEEN PLACED BEFORE IT.  FLASHING LIGHTS AND PUFFS OF SMOKE INDICATE 
GUNFIRE)

HHH -surfacing, wearing a pith helmet with leaves tied atop it like Artie 
Johnson on Laugh-In-: "It's been going on for hours!  How much more artilery can 
they have?"

RF -peering over edge of couch, ditto-: "This is war, boy!  As long as they 
have spooge in their cannons, they're going to keep hitting us with it!"

(A VOLLEY OF SOMETHING THICK AND WHITE SPLATTERS ACROSS THE FRONT OF THE 
COUCH)

HHH: "That was too close!"

(RO APPEARS, IN A VEST COVERED IN CONDOMS)

RO: "I don't wanna die!!  YOU HEAR ME, YOU RED BASTARD?" -running out in 
front of the couch- "I don't wannna di-" 

(HE'S SPLATTERED ACROSS THE CHEST WITH THE THICK WHITE SUBSTANCE AND SLOWLY 
SLIDES DOWN IT, FEIGNING DEATH)

HHH: "SARGE!  They got O'Halashanaran!"

RF: -Shouting-: "Bastard!! You fertile monster!  You won't make me your 
man-bride!!!!"

HHH: "Cover me!  I'm going in!"

RF: "Don't forget to bring a towel!" 

(HHH DEPARTS)

RF: -shooting streams of milky liquid with his Super Soaker-: "I'll defend 
Lita's virtue with my bare hands!  WHOO!"

(THE SOUND OF ARGUING IS HEARD OFFSCREEN; AND BATISTA CAN BE HEARD SAYING :)

B: "But I don't wanna wear a wig!"

RF: -louder-: "And by 'defend', I mean penetra-"

(HHH RE-APPEARS, DRAGGING SOMETHING HEAVY BEHIND HIM)

HHH: "I did it, Sarge!  I found the target objective!  The conflict will be 
over, and we can finally go home!"

RF: "Son, I'm proud of you...you're more man than I could ever be, and that's 
why I have to sacrifice myself to those jizz canons..."

HHH: "No, Sarge, don't!"

RF: -dramatically-: "YARRRG!"

(RF IS SPLATTERED AND FEIGNS DEATH)

HHH: "War is hell."

B: -standing up, smoking cigarette and wearing lipstick and a red wig-: "Not 
for me!"

(FADE OUT TO:
THE END

FADE BACK IN

RO IS LISTENING TO HIS CD AGAIN, RF IS POKING AND SNIFFING THE WHITE GOO ON 
HIS CHIN, AND BATISTA IS VACCUMING)

HHH: -taking off helmet-: "What do you think, Sirs?"

RO: -singing-: "Do you need a woman to look after you?"

(AS THEY CUT TO SM, RIC LICKS THE WHITE GOO EXPERIMENTALLY

CUT TO:
SM)

SM: "Well, they say there're no atheists in foxholes, but I guess there 
aren't in other ho-"

WR -bouncing into the scene-: "Look at what we can do!"

(WR AND E ENACT A RATHER COMPLEX HIP HOP DANCING ROUTINE, WHICH INVOLVES 
PLENTY OF "BACKING THEIR THINGS UP" TO GENERIC HIP HOP MUSIC.  IT, OF COURSE, 
LOOKS EYE-GRINDINGLY REDICULOUS.  STEPHAINE SHARES HER THOUGHTS BY SMIRKING AND 
CLICKING THE MONITOR OFF

FADE TO BLACK

OVER THE END CREDITS, WE HEAR THE GENERIC HIP HOP MUSIC, AS WELL AS W AND E'S 
VARIOUS EXHORTATIONS, SUCH AS "GET FONKY" AND "FEEL ME FLOW".  BEFORE WE CUT 
TO THE TAG SCENE, WILLIAM ENDS THE PROCEEDINGS WITH A LITTLE JOHN-ESQUE 
"YEEAHH!"

CREDITS:

MATERIAL FROM: WWE.COM
ARCHIVE: http://rotnluk.com/missydex.html
SEND MAIL TO THE SOE: WEBMISS@NASTY-DRESS.NET)

STINGER: Mae asked for a cigar in the delivery room, before bewildering EMTs 
by giving birth to a plastic hand.