SORCHA: Well, it's been a while since we all got together for one of these - DEVON: Not a long enough while... SORCHA (ignoring her): but we're back, and we've got plenty of spam to MiSTie. (Looks around) Um, most of us are back - where the hell are Shane and Christian? EDGE (rolls eyes): Where do you think? SORCHA: Jesus, somebody go turn the hose on them! SHANE AND CHRISTIAN hurry in, looking somewhat disheveled. ALL give them a pointed stare. SHANE: What? We were jogging! DEVON (smirking): Of course - that's why your fly is unzipped. SHANE glances down quickly. DEVON: Made ya look! SHANE: I hate you. SORCHA (clears throat): All right, settle down, everyone. Our first spam comes to us from Betsy Bisek - let's all thank Betsy! ALL (sounding distinctly unenthused): Thanks, Betsy. UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS!!! DEIRDRE: Somebody had a little too much coffee this morning, apparently. SORCHA: No such thing as too much coffee, my girl. Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power, and the admiration of all. DEVON: Sleep with your boss! CHRISTIAN: Hey! DEVON: I didn't mean you, nimrod. Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience. SORCHA: They have a diploma in writing smut, watching cruddy horror movies, and wrangling small boys? I'm SO there! SHANE: That doesn't make sense - how prestigious can a non-accredited university be? GREL: Ssh! You're not supposed to notice that part! No required tests, classes, books, or interviews. SHANE: You mean I wasted four years with all that crap when I could've been partying? CHRISTIAN: Partying more, you mean? SHANE: Shut up. Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice. GREL: So, conceivably, I could get a PhD in medicine and set up practice, not knowing the first thing about being a doctor. Isn't this at least slightly illegal? No one is turned down. EDGE: Unless, of course, they're broke. Confidentiality assured. SONIA: We're confident we'll sell your name and address to every purveyor of smut, pyramid schemes, and questionable medical products in the country! CALL NOW to receive your diploma within days!!! SHANE: 1-800-LAZY-BASTARD Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays. SORCHA: Where's the phone? I must call NOW! GREL: Down, girl. SORCHA (pouting): You're no fun any more. (sighs) Our next spam was sent in by the lovely and talented Candledark, a close friend of mine. DEVON: And yet, she still doesn't know better than to encourage you. You were recently referred to me as someone who was ready for a financial breakthrough so I'll get right to the point. SONIA: You, too, can make lots of money sitting on your ass. Just print out fake college degrees on your computer and sell them through the marvel of spam technology! I am the one that can help you make a $125,000+ this year from HOME with your computer and phone. - No Joke EDGE: Since when are "no joke" and "scam" synonyms? and we're not MLM! GREL: What the fuck is MLM? EDGE: Mary Lyler Moore? CHRISTIAN: Many Lascivious Mimes? DEVON: Morons Lewdly Matriculating? SORCHA: It means "Multi-level Marketing," you idiots. DEIRDRE: Oh, like Mall of America? That place has like, a gazillion floors! SHANE (stares at her): And you're in law school? Would you seriously like to make $2000-$5000 per week starting Right away with a simple system where customers are contacting you and you do no selling? LILI: That would be what my people call "phone sex." SHANE: Not necessarily. I bet Miss Cleo makes that much. SORCHA (blinks): Wonder if she's hiring? Can you follow simple step-by-step instructions and put forth the effort to make this a reality starting today? If your answer is YES, then we need to talk. SHANE: And if your answer is NO, congratulations! You have a life! I have five positions available on my team and its to my benefit to train you for success. GANGREL: No, it's to your benefit to leave me the hell alone. (clicks his fangs contemplatively) In fact, I'm so sure that I can do so, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is! LILI: I TOLD you it was phone sex! Upon accepting you as a member on my team, I will provide you with complete Professional training and advertising assistance to put you immediately on the road to success. CHRISTIAN: Here's a pamphlet, here's the number for the classified ads, don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out. There is no experience necessary.... However you must have two qualities: DEIRDRE: Utter lack of a life... SONIA: And the willingness to believe whatever you read. moderate people skills EDGE: Well, that lets you out, Grel. GANGREL: I'm heartbroken, I really am. (rolls eyes) and a serious desire for a personal and financial change. Take a moment to take the next step by calling us at the IGP Office and we'll get you the details. SHANE: I wondered what they did after WCW fired 'em. SORCHA: IGP, not ICP, you doof! (ponders) Insane Grandma Posse? LILI: The world could use a few of those - be a lot less crime if we had some IGP's doin' drive-by ass-whuppin's.