SORCHA: Welcome back! Today, we're looking at a couple of junk e-mails sent in by people who really ought to know better than to encourage us. Our first spam comes to us by way of Kira of the WWF Slash Mailing List. Let's all give her a big thank you! EDGE: How big? LILI: Like, "sending Shane over to her place to give her a lap dance" big? SHANE (blushing): Shut up! DEVON: Oh, boy, barely into it and already the Boy Wonder's blushing. This oughta be good. SHANE: I hate you. CHRISTIAN: But, baby, you're so cute when you blush. SONIA: Oh, damn, here we go. Somebody get the crowbar to separate those two. DEIRDRE: I don't think WCW will loan him to us. SORCHA (loudly): As I was saying, Kira received this spam from MarthaStewart.com. Need I say more? GIVE DAD THE PERFECT PHOTO GIFT GANGREL: A subscription to "Hustler!" CHRISTIAN: Naked pictures of Devon! EDGE: I told you to cut that shit out! CHRISTIAN: Oops. I forgot. and get $5 off and a free car with every framed photo from eframes.com this Father's Day. Unfortunately, the car is only a Matchbox! SONIA: What, did they really expect anyone to believe they'd get a free automobile? LILI: This is what's known as "C.Y.A." 'Cause you know, if they didn't say that, some wannabe scam artist would try to sue them for false advertising. SONIA: Good point. For your $5 discount, enter "Martha" at check out. CHRISTIAN: I don't think the people behind you in line would appreciate that. SHANE: Nor would the cashier. SORCHA: Especially if her name is Martha. GANGREL: Not to mention, would you really do Martha Stewart just to get $5? DEVON: Okay, guys, I think we've run this one into the ground. Can we move on? http://www.eframes.com/default.asp?ref=Martha SHANE: Hey, when did we hire her? EDGE: And does Hebner know about it yet? GANGREL: I bet she'll make her own stripey shirt. DEIRDRE: This is Martha we're talking about - she'll grow the cotton, spin the thread, make her own natural dye, weave the cloth, dye the stripes on it, and then make the shirt. SONIA: You mean, she'll have one of those five hundred people that work for her do all that stuff, and then she'll take the credit. Special Father's Day offer: FREE STANDARD SHIPPING at Cooking.com through June 18. Cooking.com has thousands of gift ideas for dad,including Weber Grills CHRISTIAN: Why the heck would anyone order a barbecue grill online instead of carting their lazy ass down to Home Depot and buying one? SORCHA: Maybe if they were agoraphobic...? SHANE: Yeah, but then an outdoor cooking appliance would be useless anyway. and an exclusive Cooking.com Bar B Que Tool Set EDGE: How do barbecue tools qualify as "exclusive?" Are they made of platinum? **Win a Scanner-a-day!** Every time you send a FREE ZingCard through June 21, you are entered in a DAILY drawing for an HP scanner: LILI: But will they send you that useless scanning program from Mattel to go with it? Fresh ideas for Father's Day from Peet's Coffee & Tea. Give your dad a unique coffee or tea gift pack, with FREE standard shipping! SHANE: If, however, you want the gift pack delivered by a Victoria's Secret model, it costs extra. Celebrate Father's Day by entering your favorite photos of Dad in the MyFamily.com Father's Day Photo Contest. CHRISTIAN: Ooh, that is so not a good idea. GANGREL: No kidding - "Here's my daddy wearing mommy's underwear." EDGE: "This is my other daddy, the one who comes to visit Mommy while Daddy's at work." DEIRDRE: "This is my daddy being silly after he smoked one of his special cigarettes. He told me I was grounded because I didn't clean up my room, but I think this may change his mind." SHANE: Remind me never to piss you off, Dee. SORCHA: Next up is a spam about a medically suspect weight loss product, sent our way by the lovely and talented Shanny of the WWFSML, ShMARTASS, and points east. Thanks, Shanny! I finally felt it. DEVON: "It?" What the hell is "it?" EDGE (waggling eyebrows suggestively): You know, "it". CHRISTIAN: The same "it" that DX wants us to suck? GANGREL: The creature from the 60's sci-fi flick of the same name? LILI: The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat? SHANE: Jeez, Sorcha, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. SORCHA: Oh, shut up and give Shanny her lap dance. SHANE (blushing): I hate you. I was always wondering what they were all talking about SONIA: Because they were all speaking some hitherto unknown language, no doubt. GANGREL: Just to piss her off. until, This morning... EDGE: This morning? And she's already sending out spam? I did my weekly weigh-in and when I saw that smaller number swing around that scale, I didn't know whether to faint, scream, or cry. GANGREL: Not unlike WWF fans during the Mark Henry/Mae Young angle. So I danced. SORCHA (singing): "Like a wave on the ocean, romance..." SHANE: Don't quit your day job, Sorcha. SORCHA: You know, it's not too late in "Falling" to make you do Cartman's "German Dance." In the ring. During a PPV. Just imagine, a large woman with crazy hair, laughing and dancing naked in her living room with her scale. SONIA: Hey, Grel, bet that would cure your drinking problem. GANGREL: Or send me off the wagon, never to return. EDGE: Why does she keep her scale in the living room? DEIRDRE: Because the bathroom is stuffed full of whatever snake-oil weight loss gimmick she's trying to unload on us. I gave that scale a big sloppy-wet kiss!!... SORCHA: I've heard of fetishes, but this is ridiculous. CHRISTIAN: "Sloppy-wet?" As opposed to "tidy-wet?" DEVON: I think this chick just used up her punctuation rations with that sentence. I lost 8 pounds in one week! SHANE: Jeez, with all the fuss she was making, I thought her scale had just told her she won the lottery or something. SORCHA: Not to mention, medical authorities advise against quick weight loss like that. LILI: Well, she wasn't using that pesky gall bladder for anything, anyway. And just think how much more weight she'll lose when she has it removed! I have lost a total of 53 pounds in exactly 3 months. DEVON: Wait a minute, how did we go from "this morning" to "three months?" EDGE: Captain, there's a warp in the space-time continuum and the Enterprise is headed right for it! I KNOW what made the difference this last 3 months... CHRISTIAN: She was fired from her job for using company computers to spam people, and all she can afford to eat is Ramen Noodles? My hubby and I bought a product that was recommended by an affiliate... SHANE: A network affiliate? CHRISTIAN: An affiliate of the Church of Satan? Not just any ole product, A MIRACLE, Called BerryTrim Plus! LILI: A miracle? Quick, somebody call the Pope! DEVON: What kind of name is BerryTrim? EDGE: I think it's supposed to be a clever pun. It's made from berries, and it makes you very trim - BerryTrim, get it? It works on so many levels! DEVON: Yeah, but they never said it was made from berries. EDGE: Well, why would they call it BerryTrim if it was made from, say, cabbage? CHRISTIAN: Would you buy something called CabbageTrim? EDGE: No, but I wouldn't buy a weight loss product I heard about in a junk email, anyway. I use it 2 times a day and it lit a fire under my Wimpy old metabolism. SHANE: That's gonna leave a mark! I have tried and failed with over 80 different diet programs. I swore, that I would never try another diet product again. LILI: Okay, so now we find out that she's the type of person who says things she doesn't mean. Why should we trust her? So many times I thought I was going to give up, and give in to the fact that I'll never be thin and attractive. SORCHA: And once again, the wrongheaded and potentially dangerous notion that you must be thin to be attractive is perpetuated. By someone who probably ought to know better, yet. SHANE: Well, when money enters the door, principles fly out the window. Just look at Vince Russo. SORCHA: Point taken. I am SOOOOOOO glad I didn't. EDGE: How glad is she? ALL: SOOOOOOO glad. DEVON: The amount of gladness is directly proportional to the number of unnecessary extra letters in the word, apparently. WOE, this really works SORCHA: Wait, I thought she was happy. Why is she saying, "Woe?" and its sooo Damn easy. DEVON: But not as easy as she is glad. GANGREL: What kind of nimrod uses swear words when she's trying to sell you something? That's sooo Damn unprofessional. (Click below to Check this out for yourself, there's lots of people just like me.) EDGE: Now, that is a truly scary thought. Don't give up. CHRISTIAN: There I was, ready to say "Screw it all" and go jump off a bridge, when a random junk email from a total stranger changed my mind! Thank you, BerryTrim! Nancy :) DEIRDRE: You know, I wondered what happened to her when the paper stopped carrying her comic strip. SHANE: Too bad about poor Sluggo, though. I hear he ended up in a Turkish prison. SORCHA: And on that slightly twisted note, we end this installment of the Spaminators. Until next time, remember, don't delete that spam, recycle it! Send it in with "Spaminators" in the subject line - if we use it, you'll be credited, and receive a free (imaginary) lap dance from Shane! SHANE (blushing): Have I mentioned that I hate you? SORCHA: Have I mentioned that you'd look really good in lederhosen?