Dear *, SHANE: What, Sorcha, are you Prince now? Do we have to call you The Artist Formerly Known as Sorcha? SORCHA: Nooo, you nimrod, I just didn't want to put my real name up there. CHRISTIAN: You mean, Sorcha Ravenschild's not your real name? SORCHA: Yeah, right, I should be so lucky. EDGE: I feel so used. It's true! ALL scream in terror. GANGREL: Oh, fuck, Kurt Angle's everywhere! DEIRDRE: It's true, it's true. With your scanner and TextBridge Pro 9.0, you can turn any paper document into a PC document with just the touch of a button. DEVON: Yeah, and with the touch of just a few buttons, she can turn any WWF character into a perpetually horny bisexual. SHANE: Shut up. CHRISTIAN: Don't act like you don't like it, baby. You'll never have to re-key a letter, spreadsheet or Web page again! LILI: No, but she may have to re-key the locks on her doors if the real Shane McMahon ever finds out the stuff she writes about him. SORCHA: Hey, I'm not writing about the real Shane, okay? Just the character. LILI: Who just happens to have the same name and look exactly like the real Shane, right? SORCHA: Watch it, or I'll write you into a storyline with Big Bossman. LILI shuts up. ********************************************** ADVANCED SCANNING TECHNOLOGY ********************************************** SORCHA: How advanced? Like, can I scan a picture of someone and make a nude 3-D model? (Looks thoughtfully at Shane, who ducks behind Christian.) EDGE: Well, thank God - that old scanning technology was so difficult. I actually had to put the picture on the scanner and press the button! CHRISTIAN: Oh, so you're the one putting those naked pictures of Devon up on the Web. Thanks to TextBridge Pro's advanced PageMirror(TM) technology, just one button scans, recognizes and sends documents to the word-processing program, spreadsheet or Web browser of your choice. DEVON: Ooh, ooh, I wanna send a copy of Falling to Vince McMahon's word-processing program! SORCHA: Don't even think about it - you CAN be replaced, you know. DEVON (sulking): Well, they said the word-processing program, spreadsheet or Web browser of my choice. SORCHA: They didn't mean it. Then you can make changes to your document, store it on your hard drive, send it as an email attachment, post it as an HTML Web page automatically * whatever you like! * SORCHA: And I couldn't do this before because...? SHANE: Because there are obscenity laws in most localities? CHRISTIAN: Because you'd get your ass sued? GANGREL: Because if the redneck side of your family ever found your website, they'd disown you in a heartbeat? SORCHA: I hate you guys. TextBridge Pro not only recognizes text, but also columns, graphics and tables! LILI: Ah, but can it recognize sarcasm, irony, allegory, or metaphor? SONIA: It's a scanning program, not an A.I., Lili dear. There's even an advanced proofreader that works like a spell checker to pinpoint errors and offer suggestions. SORCHA: Well, gee, I already have something like that - it's called a high school education, and it was free! SHANE: But was it this much fun? SORCHA: Point taken. And the AccuMorph(TM) technology cleans up poor quality documents like faxes and photocopies. SORCHA: Can it clean up poor quality documents like my credit report? ********************************************** THE FEATURES YOU NEED! ********************************************** SORCHA: Um, lemme see: a perfect body, luscious lips, flawless skin... CHRISTIAN: Those aren't the kind of features they're talking about - it's a scanning program, not do-it-yourself plastic surgery. SORCHA: Fuck you, Fang Boy. DEVON: That's Shane's job. SHANE (blushing): Shut up. FORMATTED HTML OUTPUT -- Scan your document and save it as HTML for Web posting. SORCHA: Okay, so, what, exactly would I need to scan in and save to the Web that I can't already? My checking account statement? My birth certificate? SHANE: The first story you ever wrote, back in eighth grade - that private-eye thing you still keep hidden from everyone? SORCHA: Oh, you are so in for it, McMahon. TABLE RECOGNITION EDGE: This software brought to you by the Dudley Boyz, in association with Tori, Trish Stratus, Mae Young, and... who else have they put through tables? DEVON leans over and whispers to him. EDGE: Oh yeah, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! SHANE: Hey, that's my sister you're talking about! DOCUMENT-ORIENTED PROCESSING -- TextBridge Pro is ready to scan multi-page documents with ease! DEIRDRE: How much easier can it get than "lay the paper in the scanner and push the button?" SONIA: Maybe this lets you shove the whole thing in and then it scans each page separately. DEVON: And makes you tea while you wait. CHRISTIAN: And sucks your - OW! (rubs the back of his head and glares at Sorcha) SORCHA: That will be enough of that, thank you. Besides, that's what I gave you Shane for. SHANE: Shut up! SUPPORT FOR COLOR AND GRAYSCALE -- TextBridge captures and maintains color and grayscale pictures and graphics in the output document. SORCHA: As opposed to what, editing them out because it doesn't approve of them? What is this, the PTC of scanning software? CHRISTIAN: Well, so much for those naked pictures of Devon, Edge. CONVENIENT TEXTBRIDGE SCHEDULER -- You can even schedule TextBridge to start a job while you're away from your computer. SORCHA: Jesus, is that like, Type A personality to the extreme or what? If you're so busy that you can't sit down for five minutes to do a scan, you need help. HELPFUL INTERACTIVE ASSISTANT - DEVON: Maybe that's who makes the tea. CHRISTIAN: Or who - SORCHA: Don't say it. Watson the Owl can show you how to perform TextBridge tasks like how to "Scan to Word(R)," "Scan a Paragraph," "Scan a Table to Excel(R)" or "Explain the TextBridge Toolbar." DEIRDRE: Can you say, "computer illiterate?" I'd think those things would be kind of self-explanatory. SORCHA: Yeah, but then again, you'd also think that "Watson the Owl" would belong in a children's learning-to-read program, not something geared toward adults. SUPPORT FOR 56 LANGUAGES -- TextBridge Pro recognizes documents in 56 languages, including most Central and Eastern European languages. SHANE: Well, that's a relief! I can't tell you how many times I've tried to scan in a document in Serbo-Croatian, only to have the damn scanner explode. DEVON (looking at him strangely): You have the weirdest hobbies. AND MORE! SORCHA: Could they be any more vague? More? What more? SONIA: Um, Cadbury chocolate? GANGREL: A pony? CHRISTIAN: Naked pictures of Devon? EDGE: What is it with you and naked pictures of my mate, you pervert? SHANE: Yeah, I'm hurt. CHRISTIAN: But, baby, you said I had to keep quiet about the naked pictures of you! SHANE (blushing): Shut up! It's no wonder PC Magazine rates TextBridge Pro 9.0 its Editor's Choice for Best OCR software. SORCHA: Especially considering how much we paid them to. Now you can see why! Order your copy today for just $49. SORCHA: $49! Do they have any idea how much coffee that would buy? SONIA: Okay, $49 to do something you don't need to do, that, if you did, your scanner could already do. Can you say, "what a racket?" That's $30 off the regular retail price and shipping and handling are FREE! SORCHA: You mean, they usually get eighty bucks for this? Jeez, I'm in the wrong line of work. SHANE: You're not in any line of work. SORCHA: Fuck you, McMahon - you spend all day with a three-year-old and tell me it's not work. Hey, that gives me an idea... (chuckles evilly and reaches for her notepad) CHRISTIAN: Now you've done it, Shane. DEVON (singing): Shane's gonna be a mommy! But hurry, this offer expires June 28, 2000. EDGE: As does my driver's license. SONIA: They gave you a license? ***Use PRIORITY CODE 0150580042*** SORCHA: Thereby activating the government tracking system and enabling the NSA to read all your email. DEVON: That's it - no more X-Files for Sorcha! To order or get more information about TextBridge Pro 9.0, visit Mattel Interactive's NEW online superstore at: EDGE: www.ripoff.com http://www.mattelinteractive.com/store/Product.asp?OID=4142598 &SC=1558042 SORCHA: That's what I get for registering my son's Hot Wheels game. Call us toll-free at 1-800-243-6169, Monday through Friday 7am to 10pm. Saturday and Sunday 8am to 7pm. SORCHA: After that, it's 3.99 for the first minute, 1.99 each additional minute. SHANE: But they'll read the Tarot and tell you whether your boyfriend is cheating on you. IMPORTANT -- TextBridge Pro 9.0 requires a Twain-compatible scanner. EDGE: Not to mention a computer. DEVON: And the lack of intelligence necessary to scan your own documents. Ordering online is fast, fun -- and above all -- safe! That's because we use advanced technology to keep your credit card information secure. SHANE: Except from our employees. CHRISTIAN: Many of whom have criminal records. Or, you can purchase TextBridge Pro 9.0 by: Sending a fax to 1 (319) 395- 7449; DEIRDRE: Just the fax, ma'am. SONIA: Was that really necessary? Mailing your order to Mattel Interactive / One Martha's Way / P.O. Box 100 / Hiawatha, IA 52233. SHANE: Which begs the question, why is a huge company like Mattel doing business out of some hitherto-unknown town in Iowa? SORCHA: Maybe it's like on soap operas, where they always have these multi-billion dollar, international corporations headquartered in some little hamlet like Genoa City, Wisconsin. Ordering software from Mattel Interactive is risk-free! EDGE: As long as you always use condoms, dental dams and spermicide. DEVON: That was wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. If you're not completely satisfied, simply return your purchase within 90 days of receipt for a complete refund. No questions asked! SHANE: They lie like a sinner on Sunday. SORCHA: Oh, no, they won't ask any questions - they already have all that information from where the NSA tracked your email. SONIA: You're beginning to scare me. CHRISTIAN: What do you mean, "beginning?" SORCHA: I'd tell you to bite me, but you'd take it literally. Sincerely, SORCHA: You know, it takes a special kind of grapefruits to sign a spam, "Sincerely." Rob Gettemy Vice President, Customer Satisfaction Parsons Technology EDGE: Now, there's the guy who needs the condoms and spermicide. DEIRDRE: You're a sick, sick vampire. DEVON: What was your first clue? P.S. Don't miss out on MattelInteractive.com's Overstock Clearance Section. With hot titles from American Greetings, National Geographic, Compton's and more starting as low as $7.95, it's sure to clear out in a hurry! SORCHA: Not unlike Taker's RV after a certain syrupy incident. SHANE (blushing): SHUT UP!!!