Title: An ROR Introductory MiSTing! 
Author: Missy 
Part: 4 of 4
Rating: PG This Part (Adult language) 
Characters: Michael Manna (Steven Richards), ? (Bull Buchanan), Charles Wright (Goodfather), Sean Morley (Val Venis), Lisa Moretti (Ivory)
Category: parody, humor
Content: Nothing much in the way of offensive material; a little salty language.
Summary: The RTCer's mission to spread the "joy of purity" goes a wee bit awry when they're captured by The Kat and forced to read really bad spams and fanfics.

Archical rights: Automatic archival at the BCE Archive, Kai's Page, Beyond Boundaries, Wrestlefic.com and Mirrors of Reality.  All others may ask, send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine.  Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google" 

Distribution rights: Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!

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(Theatre interior; RTC-ites enter from stage left)

STEVEN: -whining-: "I'd've rather oxygen depravation!"
IVORY: "Oh, shut up!"  

-They seat themselves, left to right: Goodfather, Ivory, Val, Steven, Bull-

(A MIRACULOUS CHANGE . . .ALMOST OVER NIGHT! )
VAL: -announcer voice-: "At Harrington's School for Ladies, we'll turn YOU into a fab-u-lous supermodel!  OVERNIGHT!l!"
STEVEN: -similar-: "Our courses include: The casting couch and you!"
IVORY -ibid-: "Bulimia: your best friend!"
GOODFATHER: -ditto-: "Smoke your way to a size two!"
(Hello! )
ALL: -Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley: "Hell-o!"
(My name is Sandy Ritter )
IVORY -John Ritter-: "You might remember me as that lovable guy from Three's Company.."
(and I would like to share my experience as an inspiration to many who may feel there is no hope. )
GOODFATHER: "You mean she's going to preach to Raven about the joys of sunshine and lollipops?"
STEVEN : -tensely-: "I told you never to mention his name to me!"
(It's amazing how long you can avoid dealing with a problem that you simply don't want to face up to. )
BULL: -Sandy-: "Like those prank phone callers asking for Prince Albert in a can.."
(I managed to ignore my weight problem for the better part of a decade. )
IVORY: "Unlike the neighbors, your husband, your family, the paperboy, the jerk down the street..."
(My life was going from the bed to the sofa and from the sofa to the refrigerator. )
VAL: "And the refrigerator to the Internet..."
BULL: "Wow, she never even needed to go to the bathroom once?"
STEVEN: "Hey, if you throw in a couple of stale pizza boxes hanging around, you have Phil Mushnick's life in a nutshell."
(Food was my escape, and the weight piled on until I hated the way I looked. )
IVORY -Sandy-: "So instead of doing anything about it, I spent hours whining about it on the Internet."
BULL: "Sandy's starting to sound more and more like a refugee from Drew Carey's last orgy."
(At my top weight of 282 pounds, )
STEVEN: "282 Pounds?!  That's not too overweight, even for a fictional non-existent weight loss miracle."
(I felt worthless, )
VAL: -Sandy-: "Like a pile of Geena Davis Show tee-shirts left rotting on a Wallmart discount rack..."
(with no desire or energy to respond to life. )
BULL: So she became Garfield the cat.
IVORY: "Big Fat hairy deal."
GF: "Bet she moves on Mondays!"
(I would look at old pictures, and wonder )
STEVEN: -Sandy-: "If my soul really IS trapped in them..."
BULL: -Sandy-: "Wasn't my life a whole lot less self-absorbed when I was thin?"
(- If that thin, sexy, woman, in that short black dress - )
IVORY: "Stephanie?"
VAL: "Beulah?"
STEVEN: "Francine?"
GF: "Ginger Spice?"
(was really me? )
BULL: "Nope.  It was her evil twin from Franzitanz!"
((My husband proposed to me in that dress 10 years ago))
-All snicker at grammatical error-
VAL: "Did he wear a stunning pair of flats and the Mahogany Wheat Fields lip balm?"
(I didn't even feel like that happy woman in the picture - I was exhausted and so depressed. )
IVORY -sympathetically-: "Spam can really take it out of a girl."
BULL: "I want to recommend this woman a copy of Camryn Manhiem's autobiography SO bad..."
(My husband, who had been caring for me and our four children (because I was too big),)
STEVEN -Sandy-: "Finally snapped and took out a 7-11 with an Uzi..."
VAL: "What?!  I know people who work at 400 pounds!"
(was genuinely concerned about my physical and mental health. )
GOODFATHER -Sandy's husband-: "Now, honey, just close your eyes..what do you mean, who're the men with the white jackets?  I don't think you've been feeling yourself lately, honey.."
(I was tired - very tired, of the struggle to make it through each day. )
IVORY: "Then why don't you do us the favor of shooting yourself?"
VAL: "Or get involved in a reputable weight loss system instead of some Spam-sending company?"
(I have been on every diet you can think of during my lengthy dieting "career.")
BULL: "Dieting's a career now?  So THAT'S what happened to Mark Henry!"
-All the other RTC-ites boo him-
(Diet Center, NutriSystem, Slim Fast, Atkins Diet, & even Phen-Phen, and the list goes on and on. )
STEVEN -scans the list-: "Anyone see the words "Sensible diet and exercise" in there?"
-all shake their heads-
(I would diet for the first few days, then it was only a matter of time until I reached my breaking point )
IVORY -Sandy, teary-: "I...I looked at a carrot!"
(and ended up eating vast quantities of the very foods I'd been denying myself. )
BULL: "Like Cucumbers and sunflower seeds?"
(NOTHING worked for me until a dear friend of ours convinced me to try a product that was nutritionally engineered for maximum results. )
VAL: The four food groups and a nice exercise program?"
(That product was called Berry Trim Plus. )
VAL: Eh, figures.
(After about five days on BerryTrim Plus, )
STEVEN: "Your feet swelled and turned purple?"
IVORY: "You turned into a great big blue berry and was rolled off by a bunch of Oopah Loompah's?"
(I began to experience a sense of "well being" with increased energy )
GF: "So Berrytim Plus is made up of concentrated pot?"
BULL "Either that or pure chocolate."
( I didn't feel tired, irritable or sluggish. More Importantly, I didn't feel Hungry - something I hadn't felt for months, maybe years. )
STEVEN: "Eating only one pea a day every day'll do that to you."
IVORY: "Not to mention those Slim Fast drinks; appetite-satisfying breakfast shake, my ass."
(I've been looking for a weight-loss solution for so long. I thought  )
GF -Sandy-: "Self, why don't we get our mouths stapled closed?  We'll be the latest craze in necrotic fashion!"
(I had tried everything when... )
BULL -Sandy-: "I met Janie at summer camp...and she taught me the true meaning of being a wo.."
-Steven smacks him-: "No smut!"
(The Scale Moved!! I mean, really Moved! )
IVORY: -Sandy-: "It ran right out of the house and down to the bus stop!"
BULL: "I call state park!"
IVORY: "Oh come on, it wasn't that obvious!"
(I lost 126 pounds in 6 months. Within 6 months I dropped down to 156 pounds. )
GF: -nodding wisely-: "Yes.  Stupid is this spam.  This spam is idiotic."
(Today, I can do many activities that I couldn't when I weighed 282 pounds. )
STEVEN -Sandy-: "Like participate in a wet tee-shirt contest!"
IVORY "Smut!"
STEVEN: "Eh, I rescind the rule."
(The most amazing part - )
VAL: "How a person is paid to sit there and type up this crap?"
(how simple and easy it was! )
IVORY: "Two step diets are easy!  Gee, now they'll discover that water quenches thirst!"
(My doctor has examined me, and my weight loss has blown his mind! )
STEVEN: -Ivory-: "At least that's what he did when he realized that I wouldn't need to come back to him for any more cockamamie diet pills."
IVORY: "Those Dexitrim pills were putting his kids through high school."
(People that I used to work with and even family members didn't recognize me at Christmas! )
-All laugh.  Loudly -
VAL -wiping away incredulous tears of laughter-: "So the Berrytrim corporation pays for your plastic surgery, too, I see."
(I truly wish everyone who is overweight knew about this program ...)
GOODFATHER : "But then who would Jerry Springer exploit on his show for cheap laughs?"
(I plan to tell everyone I can who has struggled with his or her weight, like I have. )
IVORY -Sandy-: "To stay far, far away from BerryTrim Plus."
(I can feel your pain, believe me!!! )
-All bite their lips, imitating Bill Clinton for a moment.-
STEVEN: "She went jogging to a McDonald's while holding a cigar?"
(You cannot go wrong on the BerryTrim Plus program! )
BULL -Sandy-: "It's simple, stupid!  Swallow the 'effin pill and spend hours staring up at the pretty colors on the ceiling.  Now do I have to shove them down your throats or what?!"
(It has given me a new lease on life... )
VAL: -Sandy-: "I no longer sublet from the Almighty!"
(After losing 126 pounds so far, I feel very confident, happy, and even sexy! )
STEVEN -Sandy-: "My shit doesn't stink, and I use my farts as scenting for potpourri!:
(Oh, and I recently wore that same black cocktail dress I wore when my husband proposed - 10 years ago! )
IVORY: -Sandy-: "As I tirelessly stated and restated several paragraphs ago!"
((I guess that woman in the picture really was me!))
GOODFATHER: "Well, call off Scotland Yard!"
( I thought I would never look and feel like that again! )
BULL -Sandy-: "Like a piece of decorous meat!"
(BerryTrim Plus is a powerful gift from nature )
VAL: "...Like Montazuma's revenge and the ebola virus.."
(that has touched every aspect of my life! )
IVORY -Sandy-: "Even my naughty bits!  Tee he!"
(And from the bottom of my heart, I will always thank my dear friend Judy for telling me about this wonderful product and giving me back the joy of living.)
BULL: "And Judy, from the bottom of our hearts, jump on all of our asses and take a big ol' bite out of 'em!"
(IF I COULD DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!)
STEVEN -whining-: "Why won't she stop yelling at me?!  Mommy, make her stop!"
VAL: "Sure, but why would I want to pick my nose and then stick my finger in a light socket?"
(I was sick of being fat. )
IVORY: "And I'm sick of being trapped on a satellite with these yahoos!"
THE GUYS: "Hey!"
IVORY: "No offense."
(I didn't like the way I looked and I didn't like the way I felt. )
BULL: "Hysterical agoraphobia'll do that."
(I felt that I owed it to my husband, my four children, and myself to make one more attempt at weight loss. )
GF: -Sandy-: "...So that I could guilt trip 'em whenever they drag out the powered doughnuts and chocolate milk every Sunday.."
(If you need to lose a few pounds, more than 100 pounds, or anything in between, )
STEVEN: "Go to your doctor and try to figure out what kind of diet would actually work for you?"
(click through this website thoroughly and marvel over what this amazing product has done for so many people like you and me!.)
IVORY: "Unless you have Internet Explorer, in what case you'll have to reload the front page thoroughly and marvel over what little Bill Gate's tech support have done for so many people like you and me!"
(The proof is in the pudding (so to speak))
-All snicker at semi-naughty connotations-
VAL: -Sandy-: "Or the eclairs..or maybe the cream pie" -slowly getting desperate-"...sweet cream pie...."
( so take a look at the many success stories from others who have gained better health, )
BULL: "...For an anemic couch jockey.."
(improved their relationships, )
STEVEN: "..for a lusty computer geek..."
(and of course, lost weight and are keeping it off for good.)
IVORY: "If 'keeping it off' means yo-yoing up and down for a good five years."
(The testimonials speak for themselves. )
ALL: "We are better than you!"
(And if you decide this is something you are willing to try )
GF: "Donate yourself to science!  You may be in possession of the smallest brain in recorded existence!"
(- GO FOR IT!!!!! )
-All give "thumbs up" sign-
(You won't be sorry.. )
BULL: "...your colon and gallbladder, however..."
(Do take the time to read them. Many are simply AMAZING!)
IVORY: -Sandy-: "Many have big pretty pictures to look at!"
STEVEN: -Sandy-: "Don't forget to read the dirty bits!"
(Click here to read many of the success stories.)
VAL: "Where?"
(CLICK HERE )
ALL: "Ahhh..."
VAL: "Too bad we don't have a mouse in here.  It'll probably route us to a password-swiping site in Russia."
(God Bless,)
GF: "Blessed Be."
STEVEN: "Shalom!"
IVORY: "Omm!"
(Sandy Ritter)
GF: "Soon to be seen in EZ: Surfer Boy!"
(This message has been sent to you by an independent Berry Trim Plus affiliate.)
VAL; "You..you mean there really isn't a Sandy Ritter?!  She was all a marketing ploy?!"
(To be removed)
IVORY: "..Just forget it, because we need to sell you our crap to make a buck!  Just shut up and take it, bucko!"
(CLICK HERE)
STEVEN: "Um...click?"
GF: -pauses-: "The spam's over?"
IVORY: "Yup.  That wasn't too bad."
VAL: "It did get me wondering about something, though...Follow me.." 

-they file out of their seats-
(Door sequence:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10)

(We see Steven peeling a banana alone on the bridge.  Humming to himself absently, he takes a bite out of it.  Then a womanly form walks before him.  He frowns, figuring that it's just some sort of odd space mirage.  Then the woman returns, walking even closer to him.  Steven can't deny that the "woman" isn't a woman at all; "she's" Val, in a scandalously revealing black dress and blond wig).

STEVEN -squinting at Val-: "What in blue blazes are you supposed to be?"

VAL: -gasping-: "Why, it's really true!  You don't recognize me!"  

STEVEN -shaking his head-: "Val, I know it's you."

VAL -piping voice-: "Val?  Who's Val?  My name is Sandy, dear; I'm Sandy and you're my husband."

STEVEN: "Oh, brother.."

VAL: -He spreads his arms out- :"Don't you remember this dress, dear?  It was the one I wore when you proposed ten years ago!"

STEVEN: "Uh...Val...I've never proposed to you..."

VAL: -same tone, becoming progressively more menacing-: "In fact it was ten wonderful years ago today that you proposed to me, dooming me forever to a life of festering piles of diapers and carpooling brats in our Ugo."

STEVEN: "I don't own a Ugo.."

VAL: -continuing-: "The same magical Ugo that you knocked me up in those many years ago.  You know, I blamed myself for gaining a few hundred pounds on milk duds and bonbons after the tenth kid was born, but it was a REAL low blow to cut off the nookie just because you lost a remote in one of my fat rolls!"

STEVEN: "Was it the cable?"

VAL -still Sandy-: "It was the Universal!  But you don't have any more excuses, do you, hubby?"

STEVEN: "Uhhh..."

VAL -getting weepy:  I starved myself to death on that BerryTrim junk just for your love, Mr. Ritter!.  I've loved you since I first saw "Three's Company" while wrestling my rat terrier for a Chips Ahoy crumb!  Even watched that crappy spin-off show you made!  Oh, I'm 100 pounds, Calista Flockhart tried to use me as a toothpick yesterday, and little May Ling tried to barter me for a Hostess Mini Doughnut pack, but I'm ALIVE now, Darnit!" -mad look in his eye as he approaches Steven, holding a plastic bottle labeled "Berry Trim" with masking tape and sharpie pen-: "And now, now dear husband, we shall partake in the bum-wiggling dance of passion!" -throws himself to Steven's general vicinity- "Take me, you jarheaded fool of a husband!  Take me to Berry-scented ecstas!" -splashes Steven with Malox-thick liquid from the jar.-

STEVEN -grabbing Val by the shoulders and shaking him-: "Get ahold of yourself, Brother Val!  Calista Flockhart isn't a skeleton, you don't have a daughter named May Ling, and Ugos haven't been in production for years..." -knowing he's forgetting something, he pauses-: "Oh, and you're not a woman named Sandy, and I'm not John Ritter."

VAL -normal voice, getting weepy-"I...I'm not?"

STEVEN: "No..Especially about the John Ritter part."

VAL -weeping-: "I just wanted to know the joy of BerryTrim Plus for one brief, shining moment; Oh, why can't I be a braggart with a weight problem?"

STEVEN -patting his shoulders-: "There, there..we'll work this out with the occu-therapy hand puppets, then we'll have oreos and milk!"

VAL: -brightening-: "Can I wear my Star Wars feety pajamas?"

STEVEN -faking his own brightness-: "Sure, if you have them." -the Red Mads light begins to blink on the console.  Steven notices it- "Hmm..the oxygen isn't draining out of the room...Bull, Brother Goodfather and Ivory are settled over in the occu-therapy tent...This light must mean that our favorite Bettie Page impressionist is trying to get in touch with us...I'll see if this works..." -taps the Mads light-

(Kat's Lab)

-Kat is giggling wildly while grinding her hands together- 

KAT: "Ahhh yes; a simple, little piece of Spam has broken one of them down into a quivering pile of Moose ca-ca!  Soon, soon I shall have my revenge on them all!" -dramatic lightning effect.  Enter Jerry Lawler from stage left while this is happening-

JERRY: "Speaking of, do you want the dehydrated Squirrel Surprise or the Polecat Gumbo tonight?  I made both ahead of time."

KAT -clearly annoyed-: "Until next time, Dumbledorks...Just push the button, Jerry."

-He shrugs and pushes the button, causing our picture to iris out-

JERRY -vo-: "Cause, ya know, we could have some of these Berry Trim Plus capsules.

-Kat grunts in annoyance as the credits roll-

(AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is just a simple, easy sort of introduction to my newest MiSTing series; if anyone has any questions about it, please direct them to my email at HIMH@aol.com.

I'm still surprised by the proliferance of BTP Spam on the Internet.  I don't know anyone who's ever taken it, but hey, if it floats your boat, I'll see you in nutrition camp ;-)

And yes, Kat's "creamed corn" line is gently swiped -swoped?- from the movie "Stripteaste".  

New opening credits and door sequence in the next MiSTing!

Distribution notes at the top of the MiSTing..and...we're out!)

guitar Twang

STINGER: Sandy Ritter expostulates: "Oh, and I recently wore that same black cocktail dress I wore when my husband proposed - 10 years ago! (I guess that woman in the picture really was me!)"