(All Enter Theatre and are seated: Goodfather, Bull, Val, Steven, Ivory) VAL: "Jenna Jameson was right; I really don't look good in lipstick.." (Title: Watcher) IVORY: "The Nielson Family story) (Author: Jade) BULL: "The most popular moniker for a fan fiction writer in history." GOODFATHER: "I don't know why; is it the thought that stirring up the ancient secrets of the orient will protect them from flames.." (Rating: I'd go for NC-17, just to be safe.) STEVEN: "You know you're an artist when you can't tell if her story is smutty or not.." (Distribution: My site....which is currently down :() IVORY: "Wanna bet that someone reported her to her ISP?" (Disclaimers: I don't own the Patrick....) VAL: "...she just owns his lucky charms." (I own Jade.....) BULL: -author-: "Rings, necklaces...ya want it, I've got it.." (The other people are friends of mine that said I could use their names, since I couldn't think of better ones. ) GOODFATHER: "Oh man...this is gonna be painful..." (Don't sue me....you won't get nothing. ) VAL: "She obviously hasn't heard anything about usury laws." (Oh, and the song is "Stalker Song" by Danzig.....I don't own that either....I just own the cd...and I probably don't even own that since I haven't paid my Columbia House bill yet.) IVORY: "Ahh, a deadbeat Danzig fan; so she worships the Dark Lord on a layaway plan..." STEVEN: -blinking-: "I've heard that song before; this isn't going to be pretty at all..." (Content/Warnings: Rape......you were warned) BULL -author-: "Which completely absolves me of all guilt! Neener!" (Notes: This is about SCW wrestler Q-Sic (Patrick Cusick), ) ALL: "Whom?!" (I didn't know if anyone else had of him, ) IVORY: "Honey, he's a wrestler; everyone's had him..." (but damn he's a cutie....and he's my flavor of the week....lol!) BULL: "She thinks he's hot, so she wrote a rape fic about him? Pretty twisted..." (Watcher By Jade) STEVEN: "Pretension: By Meryl Streep." ("Tracie." He said aloud, reading the name scrawled in loopy cursive writing over the mailbox in the apartment complex. ) IVORY: -man-: "Tracie...finally I have a name to turn into the police for plastering graffiti everywhere!" ("A beautiful name for a beautiful person." ) VAL: "Did we stumble into the book 'cheap pickup lines for the new millennium'?" STEVEN -cheekily-: "Are your pants made out of Windex? Cause I can see right through 'em!?" (He peered through the slots not knowing exactly what he was looking for, ) GOODFATHER: "Please be a rabid woodchuck, please be a rabid woodchuck..." VAL: "Wow! The rare male in a smut fic who lacks manual dexterity!" (but still trying to find anything that would tell him more about the raven hared beauty that he had been watching for so long now.) BULL: "Maybe he should look under the big sign labeled 'plot exposition'." (She was unaware that he was watching; watching her every move. ) STEVEN: "Her neighbors, however, weren't so stupid..." (She never noticed him in the halls or in the elevator. ) IVORY: "So he's absolutely everywhere but she never notices him? Oh yeah, that makes sense..." (He hummed to himself as he pushed the button on the elevator. ) BULL: "The Reiber Repatory Theatre company presents: Angel Heart!" (Pressing the six key with one black gloved hand, ) IVORY: "Start SEEING clichés!" (he began to sing out loud to the music in his head, "No one knows my name, where I come from, no one sees my face, sees me coming, you can never hide, if I want you, you can't even try, keep from crying.") GOODFATHER: "Note to all women everywhere: When you hear a man singing Danzig songs out loud, and he's wearing lots of black, head for the hills." (The elevator doors opened and snapped him) IVORY: -hopefully-: "In half?" STEVEN: -man-: "Huh?! Doors open go ding?" (from his reverie of all of the things that he wanted to do to Tracie. ) BULL: "...like turn her into a lovely centerpiece!" (It was better for him now that he knew her name; it made it seem as if he knew her. ) VAL: "The first fan fiction ever to concern itself with the comfort of it's rapist/stalker!" (He walked down the corridor to her apartment singing a few more lines from his song, ) GOODFATHER: -singing-: "Innocence can't be loooost/It must be maintaaaaaineddd..." ("No one sees my face, sees my pain, no one can see my hape, in the shadows, you can feel the dark, when it's stalking, I can slip right in whenever I want you.") IVORY -signing, menacing-: "No one ran me through the spel-check-er!" (He adjusted his hat and rapped lightly on the door. ) GOODFATHER: "Ah! She's going to be attacked by Abe Lincoln!" (Then his soon to be victim answered the door. ) STEVEN: "Gee, reveal the whole plot, why doncha?" (Her beauty stole his breath for a moment, ) VAL: "He was overwhelmed by the general sense of cliché they were exposed to..." (and almost took his nerve. ) IVORY: "What is it with all of these damned almosts?!" -shouts at the screen- "Run, you little bitch! Run!!" (He adjusted the box in his hand, "You call for a pizza?" "Yeah, just a sec let me go grab some cash." She said. ) VAL: -blinking at the screen-: "Wait a minute...I've acted this before...she's not supposed to have any money, and then she.." -Steven muffles Val's mouth- (She turned away and for a split second he could feel his nerve growing weaker. ) GOODFATHER -man-: "Electrical impulses fading....fading...fading..." (He shook his head, trying to erase the voice in his head that was telling him no. ) STEVEN: -man-: "Must...rape...heroine...it's...in...the...author's...notes!" (His long light brown hair coming out of the elastic band that held it behind his head, she returned with the cash and bent to pick up the tiny elastic. ) IVORY: "Wait a minute..how did it fall out of his head? Did it bilocate?!" (With one quick movement, he grabbed both of her hands and pushed her onto the sofa.) BULL: "Waitaminute...he's pulling and pushing at once! He's breaking centrifugal force!" (She screamed out in fright, but he had been watching for so long and studying the apartment that he knew that in an expensive building like this the walls were soundproofed. ) VAL: "You know, I could stick the Big Valbowski through these plot holes.." IVORY: "He was just reduced to staring at her mailbox and five minutes later he knows everything about the appartment?!" (Just for his own pleasure, he pulled a wadded handkerchief from the pocket of his red jacket and stuffed it into her mouth.) STEVEN -nodding wisely-: "Ahh, he's into the hanky code." GOODFATHER: -author-: "Gee, there just isn't enough Devil imagery in the fic for me...I know! He'll wear a red jacket!" (She tried to bite down on his hand, but he slapped her away hard. ) IVORY -loudly-: "That's not my purse! I don't know you!" (Tears began streaming down her face as comprehension of what he intended to do with her finally sank in. ) BULL: "She's on her back, being held down, with a gag in her mouth and it takes not biting his hand to get her to realize he's trying to rape her?" (He reached down and pulled the thick terry cloth that tied her bathrobe from around herwaist and tied her hands above her head.) VAL: "Why is it that women in rape lemons never seem to have the kind of robes with zip fronts?" STEVEN: "Because most idiots who write rape lemons confuse BDS&M for rape?" (In another swift movement, he ripped apart the navy blue robe and looked down at her skin. ) GOODFATHER -rapist-: "Icky! Dustmites!" VAL: "She's being raped by The Flash! Get Him!" (He thought to himself, "Perfect, unscarred, unstained, perfect." ) BULL: "How erotic..he makes her sound like an advertisement for bleach..." GOODFATHER -rapist-: "Duh..pretty rabbit..." (He ran his hands down the length of her body, hooking his glove-covered thumbs in the waist of her panties. ) STEVEN: "Ah, another woman who comes from that Maxim-esque fantasy universe where women wear women only wear panties under their robes.." (He slowly slipped them down her long legs and stuffed the panties into his pocket.) VAL: "Ahh, so he's one of those stupid rapists who takes souvenirs." (Prying her shaking knees apart, he looked at her cunt and he grew hard in anticipation. ) BULL: "Ahh, the fic's hitting new levels of tastelessness." STEVEN: "Next thing you know, they'll be bringing out the donkeys and stuffed animals..." (He unzipped his pants and pulled out his stiffening cock. ) IVORY: "Any bets that it's 'gigantic'?" BULL: "Me!!" (He reached once again into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a condom, "Wouldn't want you getting knocked up on the first date, now would we?", he asked with a laugh.) -All boo and throw things at the screen- (Sobbing and shaking her head no, he looked down on her and something almost made him get up and walk away. ) STEVEN: "Why does the author keep trying to give this guy a Luke Spencer-style conscious? He's probably killed the pizza delivery guy, which makes him a murderer...I feel no sympathy for him whatsover." (Deep inside of him, he knew what he was doing, but he was not going to stop until he had been inside of her. ) BULL: "He killed somebody, is raping a woman, but somehow he has a logical mind? Author's trying to explain away her sickness and not doing a good job of it." (He ripped open the condom package with his teeth and pulled it out. ) IVORY: "Side note: has there ever been a human being in the history of the universe that's ever been able to tear open a condom packet with their fingers?" (Unrolling it onto his now very hard prick, he asked, "Are you ready?") IVORY: "Damn! The one man existent in the entire universe that can get an instant hard-on, and he's an evil pervert." (Again she shook her head no, but he refused to listen. ) GOODFATHER: "She'd better watch out, or he'll start singing Danzig again." STEVEN: -singing-: "Voices in my head tell me what to do and they're telling me to come after you!" (He slammed into her, her cunt was totally dry and he knew that he had hurt her, but he was not going to stop. His rough thrusts tearing her, making her bleed on the sofa. He began to sing once more with the melody in his head, "I'm coming in your home, I wish you could, I'm coming in your hole, I wish you would." Then his back arched and she knew that he had reached climax.) VAL: -picking at his nails to distract himself-: "Do you think this is a hangnail?" GOODFATHER: "Nah, it looks more like a corn..." STEVEN -watching the screen with growing horror-: "Whenever I need to think of something very, very unsexy, this fic is going to pop into my head..." (He withdrew his cock from inside of her and pulled the condom off and carefully tucked it back into its wrapper. ) GOODFATHER: "Uh, you're not going to get a deposit back on that thing, bud." (He pulled the handkerchief out of her mouth and began swapping her blood off of her. He stuffed it and the used condom into his pocket ) VAL: "...Spilling the contents of said condom all over the inside of his jacket.." (as she began to scream again.) IVORY -Tracie, screaming-: "Jade is soylent green!" STEVEN: "I pray for that day.." (He slapped her hard in the face, knowing that the slap could not have hurt that much through his winter gloves. ) GOODFATHER: -rolling eyes-: "And smacking her with a two-by-four covered in a quilt won't hurt, either." (Pulling away from her, he quickly tucked his dick back into his pants and zipped the fly. ) BULL -Madeline Kahn from "Young Frankenstein"-: "Oh, you men are all alike; one quick rape and it's off with the boys to boast and brag..." (He began to walk away and bent to pick up the elastic hair band that was lying on her plush carpeted floor, he turned his head and smiled at her, ) IVORY: "Yes, thank you, fic, I really want a complete account on the icky post-sex actions of a rapist." ("I'll be seeing you, Tracie." ) BULL -Circe Nightshade-: "Stay out of the daylight!" (He turned again and picked up the pizza box and then the twenty-dollar bill that she had brought to pay for the pizza.) IVORY: "Oh man...the raping her was bad enough, but she's gonna be really upset when she realizes that she didn't leave him a tip." (He went out of the door, leaving her lying tied up and bleeding on her couch. ) GOODFATHER: "Man, this is further proof that Dominos is part of the axis of evil.." (He tossed the pizza box down a garbage chute and climbed into the elevator humming another tune. ) ALL -singing-: "Teeny weeny little bitty shriveled little short, short man!" (He headed out of the back door of the ritzy building and stepped over the lifeless body of a pizza delivery person.) STEVEN: "Hah! I called it!" VAL: "Steven, having a sixth sense for rape lemons isn't a good thing." (He pulled the hat off and tossed it into the dumpster behind the building. ) IVORY: "...thereby leaving lots of nice long brown hairs for DNA comparison later.." GOODFATHER -snickers-: "The author isn't as clever as she believes..." (Next he picked up the dead body and tossed it into the trash as well. ) BULL: "Man, what a dignified death.." IVORY: "Yeah, and no one misses him, sure." (He made sure not to get any of the blood from the delivery boy's slit throat on him, his lover wouldn't like to see him coming home dirty.) -All blink at the screen- STEVEN: "Yes, Countess Linnessa hates it when blood gets all over her new carpets.." (Making his way through the back alleys of Atlanta, ) GOODFATHER: "Aha; so the fic is a symbolic retelling of the death and pillaging of the last days of WCW." (systematically discarding the gloves and the handkerchief in dumpster) VAL: "...leaving a nice trail of DNA behind him.." IVORY: "He has to touch the gloves to get them off. He's dead meat." ( along the alleyways, he reached his hotel only three blocks away. ) BULL: "The Boink 'N' Regret Inn; I've been there." (He didn't know at the time that Tracie had managed to unbind herself and call the police. ) STEVEN: "All of the rubber dolls he'd tried it out on before just laid there after he ran away." (He got to the door of his suite and pushed the door open.) IVORY: "Herman Munster! No!" GOODFATHER -snickering-: "Ah yes, an independent wrestler who can afford a suite. This chick really is living in fantasy-land." (He walked into the bedroom and saw his lover standing by the bed. ) VAL -rapist-: "Jezebel! I'm HOME!!" (She had a phone pressed to her ear, andwas talking feverishly into the receiver, ) BULL: -woman-: "Sell! SELL AT FOUR, DAMIT!" ("What? Raped? Tracie, do you want me to come sit with you until the police arrive?") GOODFATHER: -woman-: "Do you need to have the crime scene disturbed even more?" ( She saw his reflection in the mirror and grinned and turned and Tracie could hear a sloppy wet kiss over the phone. ) -All stare at the screen for a good moment. Then the retching sounds begin- STEVEN: "Well...I guess that's a creative plot twist." VAL: "It's a disgusting plot twist!" ("What was that? Is someone there?" Tracie asked, ) STEVEN -Tracie-: "Rollo, my mad Irish homing setter, is that you?" IVORY -woman-: "Yeah, just my boyfriend, who I sent over to rape you so we can get off on it. Sucks to be you, huh?" (the panic still in her voice sounding very clear in the phone. ) GOODFATHER -Tracie-: "Could you have 'Patrick' replace my spare key before he goes? Oh, and tell him he's the worst fuck I've ever had..." ("Yeah, Patrick. Do you want me to come over?" Jade replied still grinning at Patrick. ) BULL: -Jade-: "Tee hee! Rape is fun!" ("Yes." Tracie replied, vaguely remembering that Jade had come into town to meet a man named Patrick that she had met over the Internet. ) STEVEN: -pointing-: "SEE?! The internet IS evil!" IVORY: "Where's Alyssa Millano's mom where you need her?" ("Ok, Sweetie, I'll be right there." ) VAL: -Jade-: "I'll bring some arsenic ice cream!" GOODFATHER: -Jade-: "We'll work on Patrick's little 'endurance' problem." (Jade said about to hang up the telephone when Patrick started singingaloud to his humming once more, "I'm coming in you home, I wish you could, I'm coming in your hole, I wish you could." Tracie screamed into the phone as Patrick yanked the telephone cord out of the wall.) STEVEN: "It's like a horror movie, only stupid and ignorant." (He laughed and looked at Jade. ) IVORY: -Patrick-: "Ha ha...you're next." (Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her in for another kiss. ) GOODFATHER -basso profundo-: "Evil makes our love grow stronger!" (She reached into his pocket and pulled out the panties. She held them up like a trophy and then tossed them into a large bag. ) VAL: "Assholes! They have more panty trophies than I do," -glowering- "They will pay for that." ("She knows it was you, we have to go now." He grabbed the bag and nodded his head.) STEVEN: "Uh, OK; they're going to try to skip town with a police car three blocks down the street; the blood trail from the pizza boy's slit throat should already be enough of a clue to get them to the dumpster..." (The lovers checked out of the hotel, Jade carefully signing the checkout slip with her fake name, Tracie Watcher. ) IVORY: "And unless the police are terribly stupid, they just posted a nice little 'follow me' sign behind them." GOODFATHER: "Apparently, the police in Atlanta are so stupid that they can't analyize writing samples, either." (The two headed out into the night and could hear the siren's wailing a few blocks over. ) BULL: "Waitaminute, didn't they just say the police were already there?" (They made a quick dash to Jade's car and headed out into the night. ) IVORY: "It's Starsky and Hutch: The Evil and perverse years!" (Jade pulled the long black wig off that she had been wearing at the hotel and tossed it out onto the interstate. ) GOODFATHER: "Leaving a nice chunk of HER DNA behind.." (Patrick laughed, "You should keep that, you never know which friend will piss you off next." ) -All blink at the screen. IVORY: "This is a revenge fic against her friends?" -All shudder- (Jade turned her head, "Yes, I do," ) GOODFATHER -Jade-: "I do write perverse things that make no sense from the criminological standpoint." (Then she made an exit off of the interstate, "Karri." ) BULL: "Whiir?" (She steered the car down the ramp to the other side of Atlanta toward Karri's house. ) STEVEN: "Gee, being this guy's girlfriend sounds like a perk; he rapes all of your friends for you, and you get to sit around in hotel rooms and cars while it happens." ("I'm just glad they don't know your real name," Patrick said as he popped a disc into the car stereo. "Nobody knows except you," she said ) GOODFATHER: -Jade-: "No one must know that I'm Mother Shareef Jabootu!" (and then started singing along with the song, "I'm coming in your home, I wish you could, I'm coming in your hole, I wish you would.") -All sit and stare at the screen, appalled- STEVEN: "Well, it's over..we can say that for it." GOODFATHER: "The only thing I can think to say is that anyone who's friendly with this girl should enter the Witness Protection program ASAP." IVORY: "Think of it; these people willingly let her use their names in this story, and she repays them by having them raped by an independent wrestler." VAL: "Scarier still: this thing looks like a revengefic." BULL: "The scariest thing is that she actually thinks this is a tribute to the wrestler she's writing." -All mull this over for a second, let out a hearty "GAH" and run for the theatre exit- (DOOR SEQUENCE: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10) (Standing in front of the Viewfinder are Steven, Val and Ivory; they're arrayed in spandex tops, jeans, blond wigs, and hold a banjo, fiddle and guitar, respectively) STEVEN -into the microphone-: "Hey Y'All! We're the Dixie Chicks, here ta bring ya a cheerful lil' ol' song about Jade an' her friend, Patrick! Hit it, Brother Goodfather!" (The tune to "Goodbye, Earl" begins to play as the three mime playing their instruments) IVORY -singing-: "Tracie and Karri were the best of friends All through their highschool days Both writers on the in-ter-net Both rich in some mys-ter-I-ous way After graduatin' Karri went out A bright new world on fresh new ground Tracie wandered all 'round this town And Patrick was all that was around Well, it wasn't two weeks after they started datin' That Jade started handin' out abuse She put on dark wigs And paid lots of dollars So her friends Patrick could bruise She finally got the nerve to hand him Tracie The law they though that they could outrun But she wasn't aware of Avi-it-tar authors They can make your life a little less fun Right away Karri flew further into Atlanta Like a bat right out of hell She held Tracie's hand and they worked out a plan And it didn't take them long to decide: Pat-trick had to die! (As the others "na na" in the background) STEVEN: "Gooodbye Pat! That break line at least It shifted just fine for me, Pat You can't stop? Why don't you aim for the ditch, Pat? Ain't it dark, Lyin' out in that car, Pat? IVORY: "The cops came by to search the wreck, The looked at it high and low Then they tipped their hats and said "Thank you Tracie, if ya hear from them let 'em know." Well the weeks turned by as spring turned to summer and summer faded into fall, And it turns out Pat was a missing person the promoters didn't miss at all! So the girls bought some land and a road-side stand Out on highway 9-0-1 They sell lucha masks and big foam rubber hands And they don't lose any sleep at night Cause the bitch had to DIE!!" (As the others Nah-nah) GOODFATHER: "Good-bye Pat! We need a break! Let's go out to the lake, Pat We'll pack a lunch And stuff both of you in the trunk, Pat Well, is that alright! Good! Let's go for a ride...Pat!" (They na na and "hey" their way to the end of the song) STEVEN: "Thank ya! Thank y'all! And remember, The Dixie Chicks don't condone premeditated murder, but revenge is sweet!" (Down at HB, Jerry is rushing around, a helmet on his head. You can hear loud, angry male voices chanting "Down with Home Base! Down With Home Base!" Jerry rushes to a closed door and knocks frantically.) JERRY: "Dearest, there are four hundred angry bikers standing outside, chanting for your blood!" KAT: "Tell them I'm indisposed!" -An arrow sails through the air, lodging itself in the door; the end of it flames and a piece of paper is looped around it's quill. Jerry blows the flame out and unwinds the paper- JERRY: "Umm...honey, there's an arrow stuck in the door." KAT: "I'm VERY indisposed." JERRY: -reading the scroll-: "It says that they're a radical organization of bikers who just happen to be gay. Called the Unshorn Brothers of the Oh-My. Apparently they have legal authority to prosecute any unflattering likenesses of Jeff Hardy. If we don't stop selling 'Jeffy' dolls, they're going to storm the fortress!" KAT: "Unshorn Brothers of the Oh-My?! Their initials are UBOTOM and they want me to stop selling a doll with a pencil sharpener in its ass?!" -She emerges from her bedroom wearing bikini-style fatigues- "This means war!! We'll take them to the last men!" She glares into the camera- "Your next piece is an unsusal and mildly insane little look at why some people shouldn't be alowed to have keyboards in their nice padded cells. It's called "The Art Of War" -she yanks at the lever- (SOP) The SOG-ites are peeling their makeup off. VAL: "No more makeup, Steven, ever again." GOODFATHER -wincing-: "Oww! I got a false eyelash messin' up my vision, y'all!" (Klaxons, lights flash, ship shakes) STEVEN: "Let's take them off in the theatre; we have bad porn SSSIIIGGGN!" (All Run around in pandemonium) (DOOR SEQUENCE: 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1)