Title: "ROR: The War of Jeffy" Author: Missy Part: 1 of 5 Rating: NC-17 (VERY explicit M/F and M/Tenticle sexual situations, language) Characters: Michael Manna (Steven Richards), ? (Bull Buchanan), Charles Wright (Goodfather), Sean Morley (Val Venis), Lisa Moretti (Ivory) Category: parody, humor Content: In MiSTing: Nothing much in the way of offensive material; a little salty language. In stories: NC M/F sex, NC M/Tenticle sex, just plain cheesyness. Summary: The RTCer's mission to spread the "joy of purity" goes a wee bit awry when they're captured by The Kat and forced to read really bad spams and fanfics. Their Winter MiSTing proves to be quite a slushy affair (just like on earth!) when they're subjected to an Undertaker tenticle lemon, among other goodies. NOTES: The stories: "The Watcher" By Jade, and the essays "The Art of War: How to Destroy Steven Richards" by Lu Baihu and "The Hottest Guys In the WWF" By GoldenGurl are all the property of their respective authors. They're quite welcome to them. No infringement of their rights as authors are inacted here. Archical rights: Automatic archival at the BCE Archive, Kai's Page, Beyond Boundaries, Wrestlefic.com and Mirrors of Reality. All others may ask, send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine. Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google" Distribution rights: Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work! ***************** SEASON 1 THEME: VERSE 1: At your current time and laptop This second, AD There lives a gal named Kat, Whos' Ex-Husband is sort of funny VERSE 2: They were fired by Vince one sunny day And the pressures made them sort of go astray After a couple of loser dead-end jobs They decided to take their pain out the folks for whom they did the job! STEVEN: "That...means...usssssss!" VERSE 3: KAT: "We'll send them cheesy lemons, The most embarrassing stuff the net can print Jerry and I won't let go Until your minds take the fits." JERRY AND KAT: -Rednecky-: "La La La". VERSE 4: Now keep in mind the RTC ain't in charge Of how the fanfics begin or end They more than likely will lose their sanity Or worse yet, their ways will mend.. RIGHT...TO...ROLL..CALL STEVEN! (The Brains!) IVORY! (The Beauty!) VAL! (He was the Horny guy, remember?) GOODFATHER! (I am not Pappa Shango!) BUUUULLLLL! (I hungee!) VERSE 5: If you're wondering how it came to be that the RTC still conn-ects When in the real world they are broken up Well, you should sit back and relax For Right To Riff Theatre 4000 *guitar twang* (DOOR SEQUENCE: 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,) (We see the RTCers sitting behind the bridge's console; Ivory, Goodfather, Bull and Val, as well as Steven, wear yellow tee-shirts with hand-sewn letters proclaiming "RTC Study Team '02". Steven turns to the camera; he's holding a pile of stapled and stacked paper). STEVEN: Oh, Hi all. Welcome back to the Satellite of Purity; you might be wondering what Bull, Val Goodfather, Ivory and I are doing... IVORY: "Especially GODFATHER and Mr. VENIS over here." STEVEN: -rolling his eyes-: "Yes, especially Mr. GODFATHER!" GOODFATHER -sheepish-: "Well, turnin' down $5,0000 dollar weekly royalty checks ain't easy! Even when you don't have nothin' to spend it on." -buries nose in a pile of moolah that just lying around on the desk- "Ahhh...the sweet scent of bling-bling.." VAL: "Yeah, if they wanted to duplicate you, Steven, you wouldn't have turned them down." STEVEN: "It's the principle of things! We're stuck out in the middle of space, Vince is conveniently 'busy' whenever we try to call him to beg him to rescue us, and you're taking MONEY from the old man?!" VAL: "Waitaminute!" -pulls an issue of the Torch out from behind the console- "How exactly is it that you can go to OVW and Ivory can be in the Caribbean for a Diva shoot...AND STILL BE HERE AT THE SAME TIME?!" (Dramatic music sting) GOODFATHER: "Well, that explains your new Rolex...and the crappiness of your latest columns in WWF Magazine..." STEVEN: "Actually, I still write those." -The Remaining RTC-ers share a knowing glance. And burst out laughing.- -Steven, glaring in his patented way, smacks his fist down on the flashing Commercial sign light- -logo to outré- (COMMERCIALS) (When we return, Val, Ivory, Bull and Goodfather are still behind the console. There's an issue of WWF Magazine spread out before them, and they're laughing up a storm.) BULL: "'Erin'?! Does he really think anyone's going to buy that?!" -Cascade of laughter. Steven stares right into the camera angrily- IVORY: "No, no; THIS is classic; Simpsons + Sandwiches = Love!" -REALLY loud laughter. The Mads light begins to flash. Steven bashes his fist down on it- (We pan through Home Base, which is strewn with crêpe paper heart garlands, cardboard valentine and various effluvia that suggests Kat and Jerry have just finished with a very large Valentine's Day party. Camera trains focus on Kat and Jerry, sitting behind a table. Both are in bathrobes. Jerry drops two tablets into the mug he's holding. Kat looks up from her mug, her eyes are bleary) KAT: "Ugh. Hi you....guys." -She takes a long drink from her mug- "Afraid we won't be our 'chipper' selves today. Jerry here decided to invite a bunch of bikers over for what used to be OUR annual V-Day Orgy and BarBQ." (SOP) STEVEN: "Valentine's Day ended four days ago." (HB) KAT: "I know. It just ended last night." JERRY -whiny, half-asleep-: "Where did all the puppies go?! " KAT: "Only good thing was that most of the bikers forgot their old ladies. Funny, though; they were interested in ol' Jere here for most of the night. I drank most of 'em under the table, though...Hey, are any of you paying ATTENTION?!" (SOP) BULL: "Oh, sorry, Kat; you interrupted us in the middle of crushingly and completely demoralizing Steven...and studying up on the principles of fan fiction." IVORY: "Yeah, since you decided to 'divert our mission', we figured that a healthy way to spend our time might be to learn some basic terminology for this slime-on-a-shingle you keep sending us." GOODFATHER: Yeah, go on; quiz us! (HB) KAT: "Can't this wait for another time?" (SOP) (RTCers are hopping around energetically) ALL: "Grade us!! Grade us!!" (HB) JERRY: "Make 'em stop!! They're making me sick!" KAT: "OK, OK...Name at least one other term for Self-insertion, and define it." (SOP) (All raise their hands and begin to 'ooh' for attention) (HB) KAT: "Ivory?" (SOP) IVORY: "Mary Sue, Marty Sue, SI and 'The act of placing a character based upon oneself in the setting of a story." (HB) KAT: "Right...very good. Ummm...what are the four necessary objects one must aquire to write a snuff fic." (SOP) GOODFATHER: "Oooh!! I know this one!" STEVEN: "You're supposed to raise your hand!" GOODFATHER: "But I know it!!" (HB) KAT: "Whatever; Goodfather." (SOP) GOODFATHER: "Nerve and a good lawyer?" (HB) KAT: -sighs-: "Right again." JERRY: "Your first experiment is a bubbleheaded examination of 'hotness' we reffer to as 'The Hottest Guys in the WWF According To Me". KAT: "Consider that for awhile, deadbeats!" -yanks on the FicLever, sinks back into hangover-enduced stupor- (SOP) -All of the RTCers are, once again, gathered behind the console's desk, reading WWF Magazine- IVORY: "For the Quiz Bowl Championship: define Steven Richards!" VAL: "Ohh!! One leader with his head stuck all the way up his.." (Klaxons, lights and shaking commences) STEVEN: "You're lucky we have Essay sign, or you'd be the one with your head stuck up your.." THE OTHERS: "ESSAY SIGN!!" -They leap off of their seats and run about in pandemonium- (DOOR SEQUENCE: 10: Several of Ivory's "Hollywood" Pin-ups from her GLOW days; they crumble away as you pass through 9: Papa Shango skull staff and beads. You drop a piece of dry ice into the hollow and are enveloped by the smoke. 8: Jackyl, the band, not the wrestler. They wander away, confused 7: Jackyl, the wrestler, not the band. You point out the way to Calgary and he leaves you be. 6: Mike Tyson, looking for a rematch with Kama Mustafah. You point out the closest route to the nearest principality that will allow him to box without a license and run before he sees you. 5: A wall made out of stacks of many, many Val Venis porno flicks on videotape You charge right through. 4: Raven, who keeps asking "What about me?" You cold-cock him and run for it. 3: 4,000,0000 unsold NOD Teeshirts. You close your eyes and push past, pretending that it was an angle that had never, never taken place 2: Stevie's old Daisy Dukes. You fold them up and drop them in the laundry hamper, uncovering.. 1: A Large PTC Symbol, which you break right through, leading you to the theater.)