Title: "ROR: Smells Like Christmas" Author: Missy Part: 1 of 4 Rating: NC-17 (VERY explicit M/M/F and M/M/M/M/F sexual situations, language) Characters: Michael Manna (Steven Richards), ? (Bull Buchanan), Charles Wright (Goodfather), Sean Morley (Val Venis), Lisa Moretti (Ivory) Category: parody, humor Content: Nothing much in the way of offensive material; a little salty language. Summary: The RTCer's mission to spread the "joy of purity" goes a wee bit awry when they're captured by The Kat and forced to read really bad spams and fanfics. For their first Christmas in space, they're treated to the penultimate horror; reading crappy lemons about themselves! NOTES: The stories: "The RTC Celebrates" By Gangbang Lover, "RTC: Right To Cum" By Phat Shady, "RTC & Terri" are all the property of their respective authors. They're quite welcome to them. No infringement of their rights as authors Archical rights: Automatic archival at the BCE Archive, Kai's Page, Beyond Boundaries, Wrestlefic.com and Mirrors of Reality. All others may ask, send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine. Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google" Distribution rights: Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their address and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work! ***************** VERSE 1: At your current time and laptop This second, AD There lives a gal named Kat, Whos' Ex-Husband is sort of funny VERSE 2: They were fired by Vince one sunny day And the pressures made them sort of go astray After a couple of loser dead-end jobs They decided to take their pain out the folks for whom they did the job! STEVEN: "That...means...usssssss!" VERSE 3: KAT: "We'll send them cheesy lemons, The most embaressing stuff the net can print Jerry and I won't let go Until your minds take the fits." JERRY AND KAT: -Rednecky-: "La La La". VERSE 4: Now keep in mind the RTC ain't in charge Of how the fanfics begin or end They more than likely will lose their sanity Or worse yet, their ways will mend.. RIGHT...TO...ROLL..CALL STEVEN! (The Brains!) IVORY! (The Beauty!) VAL! (He was the Horny guy, remember?) GOODFATHER! (I am not Pappa Shango!) BUUUULLLLL! (I hungee!) VERSE 5: If you're wondering how it came to be that the RTC still conn-ects When in the real world they are broken up Well, you should sit back and relax For Right To Riff Theatre 4000 *guitar twang* (DOOR SEQUENCE: 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,) (Steven appears, carrying a large cardboard box marked "Old Clothing: Deposit here". He sees that the camera's on) STEVEN: "Oh, hi and welcome to what used to be my life. We've been calling it the Satelite of Purity lately, and heck, why don't you do it, too? It'll make you feel better while watching us writhe in pain!" GOODFATHER -as he walks into camera range-: "Steven, don't take it out on them." IVORY: -appearing, shaking her head-: "They're just as much a victim of Kat as we are!" STEVEN: -to the audience-: "Sorry folks; things are just a little bit tense here on the SOP. Word's come down from our new Higher Power that our unifoms have got to go." VAL: "She said something about color bleeding, whatever that is." GOODFATHER: "Especially if we all stand in a line like this." -they rearrange themselves until they stand in one straight line; their shirts make a bright, fuzzy white blur across the screen- "I personally don't see it." BULL: "She sent up these new uniforms this morning." -indicates the box-: "Which means we have to get changed." STEVEN: -voice takes on motherly, babyish tone-:"So, while you go look at some nice commercials, we'll get changed! Would that be good? Huh, would that be good?" -hits the Commercial light- (LOGO TO Outre) IVORY -vo-: "Steven they aren't babies, either." (Commercials) (When we return, we see a closeup of Bull's laughing face. He keeps laughing as we pull back to a wide shot; Val, Steven and Goodfather are dressed as elves, complete with big pointy ears and elven freckles. Bull is made up as Santa Clause and Ivory is a bespeckled and grey-wigged as Mrs. Clause.) VAL -while pouting-: "What are you laughing at, Brother Bull?" BULL: -still laughing-: "The outfits! The ears!" -doubles over- IVORY: "Bull, take a good, long look in that mirror over there." -Bull takes a good, long look and bursts right out laughing again- BULL: "Come on! These are NEAT N-Synch costumes!" -all give him an exceedling odd look. The Mads light flashes- STEVEN: "I think Brunhilde and Isolde are calling." -hits the light- (KAT AND JERRY'S SATELITE:-Kat is dressed in a Red-trimmed pleather Mrs. Santa outfit; Jerry wears a red rubber nose, what look like doggie reindeer antlers, and a light string necklace.) KAT: -girlishly-: "Hihi, my bubbies! I see you've gotten my...costumes." -eyes glint evily- (SOP) STEVEN: -snottily-: "Yeah, yeah, we have them; I don't see what the point IS, but we're wearing them!" (KT) KAT: -still girlish- : "Awww..are my widdle RTC-ites feeling down? In the middle of this, the Christmas season?" (SOP) BULL -comprehension dawning-: "Oooh.." -looks down at himself- "Oh my God." -tries to tugg off the beard he's wearing but finds it glued to his chin. GOODFATHER -slapping his forehead-: "It's December! I've missed my confirment!" -getting upset- "I was one day away from becoming a snake handler, Steven! ONE DAY!" STEVEN: -sheepishly-: "Surely you must be mistaken?" (KT) KAT -stroking a cat 'o'nine tails-: "I ain't.." JERRY: "And don't call her Shirley!" KAT -mock-menacingly-: "Did I say you could talk, Reindeer?" -brandishes her whip threateningly- (SOP) VAL: -whining-: "We're gonna miss 'Charlie Brown Christmas!'" IVORY: "I'm not going to get my mother that Barbie Twin poster she wanted." -Steven scrutinizes her- "Long story!" STEVEN: "Alright, everyone; remain calm; I'm sure this is just one more ploy from our kittinish friend here to break our will. Now repeat after me...There's no such thing as Christmas." THE OTHERS: "There's no such thing as Christmas." (KT- Kat is frolicking in a pile of fake snow while carrying a tray of prettily festooned Christmas cookies) KAT: "Oh, believe me, kindela, this isn't meant to break your will," -she holds out a handful of silme-encrusted pages- "These are!" -she glances at Jerry repeatedly, expecting him to say something. When he doesn't, she lays the whip into him- JERRY: "Your first feature is a lovely little nugget of smutty...er, stuff...called 'The RTC and Terri'. RTC being you, Terri being...Terri. Then, we got "Ivory and The RTC Celebrate". Try to count the positions, I know I had fun doing it. Woo hoo! Then "RTC: Right To Cum" proves that date rape's just not right, especially when it's described in Ebonics. And last but not least is "Women Of The WWF Snuffed, Part 1: Ivory"; I recommend large bottles of brandy for this one," -whining- : "You know, I divorced you to get away from this!" KAT: "Consider it a perk!" -to the RTCers-: "Stuff your stockings with that, My Moron Moronacular Chior!" (SOP) IVORY: "SNUFF?!" GOODFATHER: "Uh, guys...all of those stories have us in it, don't they?" -a massive shudder goes through the group- STEVEN: "We've got to rememeber, no matter what, that it's not us up on that screen." -he puts his hand out- "Swear to it." -One by one, the other RTCers follow his lead and place their hands over his.- STEVEN: "And it starts already!" (Klaxon and lights begin to flicker; in the place of sirens, slighbells jingle and fake snow starts to fall) VAL: "I think we've got badly-done smut siiiigggn!" (All rush around in pandemonium) (DOOR SEQUENCE: 10: Several of Ivory's "Hollywood" Pin-ups from her GLOW days; they crumble away as you pass through 9: Papa Shango skull staff and beads. You drop a piece of dry ice into the hollow and are enveloped by the smoke. 8: Jackyl, the band, not the wrestler. They wander away, confused 7: Jackyl, the wrestler, not the band. You point out the way to Calgary and he leaves you be. 6: Mike Tyson, looking for a rematch with Kama Mustafah. You point out the closest route to the next unbitten ear and run before he sees you. 5: A wall made out of stacks of many, many Val Venis porno flicks on videotape You charge right through. 4: Raven, who keeps asking "What about me?" You cold-cock him and run for it. 3: 4,000,0000 unsold NOD Teeshirts. You close your eyes and push past, pretending that it had never been booked 2: Stevie's old Daisy Dukes. You fold them up and drop them in the laundry hamper, uncovering.. 1: A Large PTC Symbol, which you break right through, leading you to the theatre.)