Mystery Wrestling Kaiju Theater 3000: "The Coming of Munihousen", Part two Original story by the Great Red Serpent MiSTed by: The Flashman Co-MiSTed by: Lynxara Co-MiSTed by: Dinobot THE BOWELS (EWWWWWW!) OF THE SATELLITE OF NITRO "Ow! What IS that?!" "It's my tail. Sorry." "Well, it's poking the hell out of my back!" "Sorry. There's not a lot of room for me to maneuver, down here." Bret Hart grimaced as the tips on Space Godzilla's tail poked him in the small of his back for, what felt like, the five hundredth time. Although, he had to give one of the Satellite's latest (and oddest) residents credit. The dark halls of the lower levels of the Satellite, almost too dark to see in without the flashlight Bret held out in front of them, hadn't been designed with eight and a half foot tall, almost half-ton, movie monsters in mind. Space Godzilla had to shuffle through the lower levels side ways, to accommodate his tremendous body mass, and his neck was beginning to cramp from having to keep it ducked down for such an extended period of time. The two of them were down there, because they had been elected by the rest of the crew on the Satellite to find something they could alter and use for the upcoming gimmick exchange. So far, they had been having no luck. Then, the flashlight's beam caught an object in its light and Bret exclaimed, "I think I found something!" Rushing over to his find, and then waiting for Space Godzilla to side-shuffle his way over, Bret picked up the object and tried to read the faded letters on the front. "Car... Cart... Cartu..." he attempted to read it, but eventually gave up. "Forget it. The label's been worn away. There's no way to tell what it does." "Maybe," the kaiju said, "but its design gives me an idea..." SATALITE OF NITRO: REC ROOM "No way!" Gigan shouted. "I'm sorry, Nash but I can't accept that Tokeio Private Police is better than Venus 5." "And I'm telling you," Nash argued back, "Private Police is much better! I mean, it's got sex, comedy and kick-ass mecha. What more could you ask for?" "Simple. Sex, comedy, magical girls in *much* more skimpy outfits than normal and, in part two, TENTACLES!" "I'll give you those last two points..." Bisch thought about throwing in a nasty comment about the fic they had just been forced to read, but decided against it, as he was too interested in what the other three members of their group were doing. He did, however, decide to add the growing friendship between the two resident perverts to his mental REALLY-Worry-About-This-Later list. Of course, to see what Mark and Dinobot were doing, he had to make his way next to King Ghidora, as the kaiju was thirteen feet tall with his golden wings fully spread and almost impossible to see over or around from behind. "Come to think of it," Bisch thought, "Gigan is the same height as Nash and he's the smallest of the three. I'm gonna have to rethink my concept of large, after this is over." Finally stepping around, Bisch went wide-eyed when he saw the Lord of Darkness and the seemingly unflapable Maximal were crying their eyes out and leaning against each other for support. He looked up at Ghidora and was surprised to see tears in the eyes on all three of the monster's heads. The TV screen that was in front of them held only blackness, as the tape they had been watching had reached its end. Picking the tape box off the top of the VCR, Bisch read the title aloud. "Neon Genesis Evangelion: Final Impact." Then, he shook his fist at the sky and shouted at the ceiling, "DAMN YOU TO HELL GAINAX!" That was when the incoming message lights began to flash and, quickly recovering, Dinobot said, "Speaking of things that belong in Hell..." TITAN 13 Vince smiled evilly at his captives as he said, "Greetings, Truth Commission. Are you ready for this week's gimmick exchange?" The Rock grinned in his oh-so-cheesy way as he added, "Yeah. We've been working on this all week, and it's the best damn gimmick there ever was." On the view screen, the two could see the members of the SoN whisper to each other and look off screen. Bisch turned back to the camera and said, "Uh... we need a little time to... uh... set it up. Yeah, that's it! We need a little time to set it up, that's all." Vince smirked in amusement, all too familiar with that excuse by now. However, he decided to indulge them and said, "Very well. We'll go first. Rock?" "On it, Boss Man." As Rocky went to collect the gimmick, Vince began his explination. "I'm certain you're all familiar with the STOMP action figure series, correct?" "Yeah..." Bisch replied. He had the feeling that he wouldn't like where this was going. "Well, this gimmick exchange is the latest additions to that line... Sailor Moon STOMP!" "Sailor Moon STOMP?" the SoN crew asked in disbelief. The Rock wheeled in a cart with several small, plastic action figures on it. Vince and Maivia alternated as they called off the names and held them up to the camera. "Sable as Sailor Moon..." "Sunny as Sailor Venus..." "Jacqueline as Sailor Mars..." Nash smirked as he looked at the figures and said, "So far, they don't seem so bad." Gigan's head bobbed in agreement as he said. "I never knew meatballs could look that good! In fact..." "Luna Vachon as Sailor Mercury..." That shut the two perverts up and made everyone turn interesting shades of green. "And Chyna as Sailor Jupiter!" The SoN crew promptly backfaulted. Vince's grin became maniacal as he said, "But you haven't seen the best yet. BEHOLD... talking TUXEDO AUSTIN!" Picking the figure off the cart, Vince displayed a twelve inch Stone Cold Steve Austin figure, dressed in Tuxedo Kamen's outfit, complete with mask, top hat and cape. In its right hand was a beer can with a rose design on the side. Vince pressed the button on the figures side and the toy said, "Kamen 3:16 says I just Moondusted your ass!" Vince pressed the button again and the figure said, "Sailor Moon... all I'll say is, the sex better be good and THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!" Vince pressed the button one final time and the figure belted out, "I don't need no nancy boy rose... GIMME A DAMN BEER!" "Your turn, Rockers," Rocky taunted. SoN Bisch was about to try and think of a way to stall for more time (and recover from what they had just seen), when Bret and Space Godzilla, both covered in a light coating of oil and grease, rushed in and placed a device on the table. It was a funnel, attached to what looked like a mini-cement mixer with a handle on the side, so that it could be stirred. "Took you long enough," Nash and Gigan grumbled as one. "Sorry," Bret said, "the big guy here got one of his shoulder crystals stuck in a doorway on our way back." As Bret went to look for certain pieces of paper, Space Godzilla began the explanation of their gimmick. "I can sum up this up in one word: Gamera." On the screen, Vince and Rocky looked at each other, then back at the occupants of the Satellite as Vince replied, "We're not following you." Space Godzilla continued, "I'm certain everyone remembers the old Gamera. Bad scripts, worse special effects, wimpy villains, annoying kids, the whole ball of wax. "However, given a modern day makeover in 1995, Gamera went from an object of ridicule to one of the most popular kaiju of the 90's, even earning respect from American critics. Our invention, named the Gamera Device in honor of he who inspired it, does something similar... except it does it with bad fanfiction." "What we have here," Bret said as he held up a computer printout, "is a copy of the original draft of Artemis' Lover. Normally hazardous material, we simply put it in the Gamera Device and..." Bret placed the paper into the funnel and let it slide down into the mini-cement mixer. He spun the handle a few times and then pulled the changed paper out the second hole in the side. He then placed it into the Umbiliport and sent it down. TITAN 13 Looking at the new papers, and unsure of the gimmick's reliability, Vince quickly shoved the fic into the hands of Rocky. He also added a warning glare for good measure and The Rock obediently began to read. "Hey..." Rocky commented as he slowly leafed through the pages, "this is pretty damn good. Oscar's no where near as annoying, the spelling and grammer is fixed, and there's actually angst by Artemis, as he worries that he will be ostracized from the Senshi because of his feelings for Oscar! And Oscar himself worries about the insanity that leads him to be attracted to Artemis in the first place! The Rock must say..." Then, Maivia stopped. His face turned green and the re-vamped Artemis' Lover fell to the ground. He commented, "But the Lemon scene still makes The Rock want to puke The Rock's socks up." "Oh well," Vince added, "Nothing's perfect. Although, if this device could be altered to update wrestling scripts," an evil grin spread over his face, "then we could make matches that would be fresh and new for years to come. Good job." Eric Bischoff turned a fascinating shade of purple as he fell to his knees and let out a howl of strangled rage. Bret winced, let his employer finish, and then asked, "Eric... what's wrong?" "A *good* idea!! You gave him a GOOD idea! What the hell are we gonna do if he starts coming up with new stories?! We can't compete with that!" Eric ranted in horror. "Geez, excuse me for living," Space Godzilla grumbled. Vince grinned at them through the Viewscreen, thoroughly enjoying the competition's discomfort. "In fact, that idea's so good it almost makes me feel bad about sending you part two of Coming of Munihousen... but I'll get over it. Rocky?" "On the way, Boss Man." SoN The entire crew groaned in agony. Nash suddenly said, "We're probably gonna end up regretting this, but Gigan and I have agreed that we'll do the really bad stuff when it comes up." Ghidora looked hopeful as he asked, "Do you mean it? We don't want to lose our head again." Gigan nodded and said, "Yeah. So all you guys have to worry about is the other 80% of the fic." Alarms and sirens went off as Dinobot said, "And here it comes! WE'VE GOT MUNIHOUSEN SIGN!" %%%%% [All enter the theater and take their seats from l-to-r: Space Godzilla, Bret, Nash, Gigan, Mark, Dinobot, Bisch and Ghidora.] > THE COMING OF MUNIHAUSEN --- PART TWO All: Electric Boogaloo! > (A Sailor Moon/Urotsukidouji crossover) Bret: Geez, that's like crossing over 'Rainbow Brite' and 'Meet the Feebles'. Bisch: *Never* mention that again. Dinobot: Or Echowarrior's Star Trek/ Beast Wars story... I'm going to kill that worthless hack. > By the Great Red Serpent > Dinobot: His e-mail address... prepare the Cyber-roses. > "Don't be too sure about that." Buju informed the > other makemonos as he approached. Mark : Neither the existence or nonexistence of the Yeti has yet been proven! > "They're all mine, and I > intend to fuck them all!" Gigan : Previously, on Munihousen. > Without hesitation, the dick was removed from Usagi's > mouth Nash: Grayson? Tracy? Gephardt? > and the tounge from her pussy. The snakelike appen- > dages sucking on her nipples ceased and Usagi was thrown > into the wall, hard, Bisch: Instead of one of those nice easy tosses that tentacle demons usually use to move their victims around. Ghidora : Ready? One, two, three... KICK the bunny! > but her flight was blocked by the re- > mains of the Sailor V game. Her back hit the corner of the > game's case with a loud crack, and it was a miracle her spine > didn't snap. Bret: No, it was a miracle that there was a cracking noise produced when absolutely nothing happened. In fact, the sheer impossibility of that noise's existence haunted Buju for the rest of his miserable life, eventually driving him stark raving mad!! > Nevertheless, it hurt like hell, and she > screamed like a banshee from the pain. [Everyone winces.] Space Godzilla: That's like listening to Minya whining. Mark: Or Kurgan singing. Nash: Or Luna Vachon talking. Gigan: Or Bisch here laughing. Bisch: HEY! > The four makemonos circled Buju, and one snarled, Gigan : This girl's little and she's got little breasts... and she CERTAINLY woke MY dragon from it's rest. Ghidora: We'd hit you, but that was a rather coy Slayers reference. So we'll let it slide... this time. > "You're not gettin' this one from us, asshole!" Mark : At least, not without filling out the proper papers and obtaining a permit! > Buju didn't take well to people telling him no, so Ghidora: ... he ran off and cried girlishly for hours and hours. > he went for his sword. The makemono who had just made that > first statement lunged at him, and Buju brought his sword > down in a vertical line, chopping off the makemono's left > arm. Nash: Look, it's 'A Farewell to Arms!' Mark: *I'll* handle the cultured references here, hentai. > "You muthafucka!" the makemono scremed in pain as he Space Godzilla: Man, that Buju is one bad... Others: SHUT YOUR MOUTH! > jumped at Buju this time, going for his head. Bisch: Which one? I'm only asking because it's a lemon... Bret: Kefka flashback! ARGH! Poor, poor Geoffrey... > Buju just > ducked and swung at him again, cutting off both his legs in > one swipe. Nash : It's only a flesh wound! Gigan : You've got no bloody legs! Nash : Alright then, I'll bite your ankles off! > When he was flat on the ground, Buju went up and > stabbed him. Mark: Ooh, *big* man. Let's have a hand for the *mighty warrior* Buju. Space Godzilla: Considering what kind of chance a leg-less makemono would have of surviving, I'd say Buju has a small amount of mercy. > "You fuckin' asshole!!!!" another makemono screamed as > the remaing three charged at him from different directions. Bisch : I'm using naughty words! I'm mad! > Buju swung at one, cutting him in half lengthwise, but the > other two were able to get to his back. One stabbed a knife > into his right shoulder, Bret: Well, the backstab's the only thing that makes a thief even slightly useful in a fight. > while the other grabbed his penis and > was in the process of tying it in a knot. Gigan : Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a bow? Nash : Can you throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Both : Does your... Space Godzilla & Bisch: DON'T! > Buju pushed back with his right elbow, ramming it straight > into the stomach of the makemono with the knife, knocking him > down as well as Mark: ... setting him up for the TOMBSTONE! The makemono will REST IN PEACE!! Dinobot: I do the Stunner, myself. Ghidora: That makes for an unusual image... > causing him to pull the knife out of the shoul- > der. Buju howled in pain as the knife left; Bisch : Whatever I did, I'm sorry!! Please, I can't go on without you... > the angle at which Dinobot: Made Golgo looked good. Space Godzilla: Somehow, I doubt the makemonos are Professionals. > its possessor was holding it caused it to tear into even more > of his flesh, his blood squirting all over the remaining make- > monos. Bret: Aw, that kooky Buju and his Super Soakers... > As for the makemono attempting to tie his penis in a > knot, Buju spun around quickly and caused that one to lose his > grip on the dick. Nash: Van Patten? > "You fucking pervert!" Buju yelled as he > went in for the kill. Mark : Look, I'm a tentacle demon. What did you expect? I mean, it's not like you meet many of us that read the New Yorker and frequent art galleries... > Buju lopped the head off that makemono, Bisch : There can be only ONE! Space Godzilla: Heads up... up... and AWAAAAAY! > and turned to Dinobot: ... a very annoyed maximal/predacon warrior that was going to show them the meaning of pain. > face the remaining one. "Do you still think you can take me on?" > He asked coldly. Bret : Cause if you don't, soon I'll be gone. Kaiju : Guaran... teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! > The last makemono ran for dear life as Buju laughed and > turned to face Usagi. Nash : Now if *you* wanna tie lil' Buju in a knot... Space Godzilla: Why do I think I should be hurting you for that remark? > "Now let's see if your pussy's worth > the trouble I went through to get it!" Ghidora : Nah! Artemis is a better catch than Luna. [Pause] Oh gods, we couldn't stop ourselves! Mark: Oh, it'll get worse before this is over. (Ghidora whimpers.) Dinobot: We'll find out that sacrificing ourselves to save the future didn't work? And that all time and space is screwed up to the point you have no idea what happened since Optimus Prime was killed in stasis? > Usagi had long since stopped screaming and was now un- > conscious due to the shock of the extreme trauma she had been > subjected to. Bisch: Geez, if you can't even handle a little *extreme trauma* without going into shock... Space Godzilla: TRAUMA... EXTREME! Dinobot: So when is Nav going to kill her and end this nightmare? (The sound of thunder rumbles in the distance and everyone looks up.) Gigan: Uh oh... > Laying on the ground with the blood of the slain Dinobot: ... anti-moonies. > makemonos splattered all over her naked body, Bret : And right after I showered, too. > she was helpless Dinobot : This is just PRIME! > against Buju's advance. Buju bent over the body and started > fondling her nipples with one hand while sliding his tongue > all across the length of her pussy. Nash: 'Length'? Buju, buddy, girls don't *have* those... Mark: But... it has breasts... Dear God, Buju's making it with Oscar! All: NOOOOOO!! > Noticing her cherry was Dinobot: ...transforming into an alien robot from a wandering metal planet... Ghidora : Thank you VERY much for THAT image. > still intact, Nash: Clearly, the makemonos weren't members of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Dinobot: Cherrymasters! Like all the other *masters*. > he said to himself, "Mmmmm, so this is what a > virgin tastes like." Bret : You don't find too much that's innocent and pure in this world... well, time to defile it! Space Godzilla: You act as if we should be surprised. > He darted his tongue deep inside her Nash & Gigan : Virgins, virgins, ooey gooey virgins... Space Godzilla & Bisch: Guys... Mark [To himself]: Eat them up... yum. [The others stare at him in surprise.] Mark [Shrugs]: It was the last song I heard on the radio before Vince's machine zapped me up here. Dinobot: I don't even want to know what station the radio was on... > love-hole a few times and from there started nibbling on her > clit. Bisch : Oh, that Buju's such a picky eater, that one is. > Her body was still warm and tender, Bret: ... lightly breaded, and deep fried a golden brown. Dinobot: With fries and a jumbo drink! Ghidora: And a cheap plastic toy of some mutated iguana. > and so he found it > strange that she didn't respond. Gigan : What's with her?! It's not like I rape just any female I find! Dinobot : No, wait, it is... > Her lack of response caused him to figure her for dead, Nash : 'Cause even unconscious women can't help themselves around the Great Red Buju. Dinobot: Remind me to get Sailor Mars and to beat the hell out of the Great Red Serpent. Space Godzilla: Then we can help you with the Great *White* Serpent. > and to him it was no fun raping a corpse; he enjoyed it too > much when the victim could scream. Mark: You know, this is *exactly* what would happen if Kefka got hold of Sailor Moon. Dinobot: Or Tarantulas... Ghidora: Nah. Kefka would make Buju *like* raping a corpse. [Shudders] > "Some gratitude for saving > your life," he thought to himself, as he got up, kicked her, Bisch: And then the rest of the nWo ran in and spraypainted her! Oh, the humanity! Space Godzilla: After forcing her to listen to Bisch's laughing! That's beyond human cruelty! Bisch: STOP THAT!! Mark [snorts]: What? Are *you* going to *make* him? Gigan : N... W... O! > and then walked away. Dinobot : I'll let some other hormone driven monster have you. > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: Dashing along... > > On the outskirts of what was left of Tokyo, Mamoru was > faring only slightly better. Bret: He got stuck trying to breed a gold chocobo and eventually just gave up. > Almost as soon as he had reached Dinobot: Cybertron. > the 2020's he was jumped by a gang of eight makemonos Ghidora : How conveeeeenient. > and had > barely escaped with his life. Badly beaten and sore all over > from the fight, he limped his way to the basement of the > devastated mansion next to the site of his arrival. Nash : Let's see... I'm alone, and vulnerable, and injured... so I need to run into a dilapidated building where I can be easily cornered! Space Godzilla: Why not? Typical horror movie logic dictates that's what he's gotta do. > Most of > the foundation had been crumpled and burned to the ground, Gigan: The Foundation had learned too late that fighting DX and Stone Cold at the same time was a BAD idea. Bret: Look, it would've worked if it wasn't for the stupid Nation... Dinobot: The Nugget wouldn't walk after that fight. Bret [darkly]: *What* was that? > but Mamoru was able to find an opening to a subterranean room > that appeared to be completely undamaged. Mark: Yes, that wondrous innovation known as the basement. You told us before. > The room's walls seemed to have been made of the finest > marble, with a floor made out of pure jade. Bisch: Oh, like Ted Turner's house. > The ceiling, also > of jade, was domed, thus making the room appear to be higher > than it really was. Nash: Mamoru, however, did not appear higher than he really was. > The furnishings were extravagant, being > made of the finest gold or silver, and upholstered with the > finest hides available. Bret: They all came from members of the Spelling family. > This could have been a king's bed- > chamber, if there were any kings left to occupy it. But in > any case, this seemed to Mamoru to be as good a place as any > to rest, Mark : Well, this looks abandoned enough... I think I'll bleed here. > and even though he wanted to go on to find his be- > loved Usako, the wounds from the severe beating he took from > the makemonos forced him to stay there for awhile. Ghidora : Just let me tuck my intestines back in... > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Kaiju : Dash Dash! OhRanger! Dash Dash! OhRanger! > > Back in 1993, the senshi, the cats, and Chibi-Usa were > all gathered in front of Rei's temple, discussing the morning's > encounter with Munihausen. Bisch : And there were *that* many tentacle demons there? Really? > Ami described him to Chibi-Usa, Dinobot : Yes, he's the hentai that has no life. Space Godzilla : And likes showing people Porn. > and Chibi-Usa confirmed that that sounded just like the man > in her dream. Nash: Only in Chibi-Usa's dream, he was *naked*! Bret: I *will* kill you if you make another riff like that. Dinobot: Not before I knock him through a bulkhead. > "Well, we know he's not from the Black Moon," Rei said, Mark: Well, yeah. There were about as many black people in the Silver Millennium as there are playing hockey now. > "but now the problem is how to find him." Dinobot: A transwarp engine could get you there... and turn you into a transmetal. > "Rei's right," Ami said. "You all heard what he said > about his father, an Overfiend, and all that about ruling the > three worlds, whatever all that was about. He's obviously Dinobot : ...a hentai with no life that takes his fantasies out on us. > crazy, and there's no telling what he might do." Bisch: In fact, he's INSANE!! Dinobot: Inferno is insane... this guy should have his head ripped off. > Makoto cut in, "Yeah, he is crazy, thinking he can..." Nash : ...replace *my* coffee with Folger's crystals! > Rei, out of the surge of a newly resurfacing memory, Dinobot : Where the hell is Jason? I want to fry his ass! > interrupted Makoto in mid-sentence, "Overfiend! Yeah, now I > remember!" Bret : I've got to get Grandpa to take those 'Overfiend' tapes back to the video store! Nash: Impressive! Bret: What? [stops and thinks a moment] Er... nevermind... > "Remember what?" Minako asked. Mark : WENN. > "When I was younger, Grandpa used to tell me a story to > put me to bed. Bisch : He said that humanity was basically good and kind and would never do anything to hurt our precious mother Earth. Dinobot : And then some alien robots changed all that. Gigan: Nah, that was our job. > He said that some people once believed there > were three worlds, the Makai, where there were only demons and > evil creatures; the Jujinkai, where the people there were half > human and half beast; and the Ninjinkai, the human world. Nash: That Eastern Orthodox, right? Bret: No, no, that's Unitarian. Mark: What? That's Seventh Day Adventist! Everyone knows that. Space Godzilla: Are you sure that's not Shinto? I mean, Rei knows about it. Bisch: Come *on* guys. Don't you know Ba'hai when you see it? Others: Ohhhhh. > He > also said they believed that every 3,000 years, a being known > as the Chou-jin, the Overfiend, and the god above all gods Dinobot : ...would get his ass kicked by Primus, Lord of the Light gods. > would come and purify all three worlds, bringing them to- > gether into a perfect world where everyone can be happy." Ghidora : He also said something about tentacles once... Nash: So the Overfiend's Jesus? I had no idea religion was so perverted. I should've been a priest or somethin'. Dinobot: I wanted go to CyberValhalla... and instead I get stuck reading crappy human fanfiction. > "So what does the crystal have to do with any of this, > Rei?" Makoto asked. Bret : Convenient plot device used to set up pointless and implausible lemon scenes. Why do you ask? > "I don't know." Rei continued. "But the legend does > say that the person who kills the Overfiend will be the new > Overfiend, and rule over all three worlds. Mark: Yeah, but then all the losers who *didn't* show up to buy the old Overfiend's book will start whining about how he died, and eventually they'll just have to bring him back again. > Maybe this guy Dinobot : Should fight Stone Cold Steve Austin and light himself on fire if he doesn't win. Ghidora: Or just the second part of that equation. > thinks the crystal can do that for him." Bisch : Maybe he thinks the crystal can provide central heating and cooling for his house! How the hell should *I* know?! > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla : Dashing through the fic, with a barf bag close at hand... > > "Hey, asshole, get up!" Gigan [smirks at Bret]: I bet that sounds *cold*ly familiar. Bret : If I didn't know you could kill me instantly... Gigan : Me? Kill you? Nah. Permanently cripple, maybe... > Mamoru lay sleeping on the bed, not even hearing the > command. Nash : Oh, Yohko... you're *my* magical girl... Gigan : Cucumbers... sure I like 'em... why do you ask? Ghidora: If you say something like that again, we WILL *hurt* you. > "Hey, I said get the fuck up, asshole!" Space Godzilla: Ulotec is BACK! > This time Mamoru woke up, even more sore than he was > before falling asleep. Mark: Little did Mamoru know that the sheets had been soaked in acid! BWAHAHAHA! > On a reflex reaction, he grabbed at > the blue-haired man who had been yelling at him. Bisch: Hey! Leave Henry McCoy alone! Space Godzilla : Stop iiit! > Mamoru grabbed at his throat, but the stranger was too > fast for him. Gigan : Oh, you're too slow! > "That did it, you piece of shit human!" the stranger > yelled as his eyes turned blue and beams shot out at Mamoru, Bret: ... gentle sunbeams that helped warm Mamoru right up. > striking him in the chest and burning off his shirt and the > topmost layer of flesh over his torso. Ghidora: Or not. > "Now get off the bed and make room for a lady!" Nash : Compromise. What if I stay and make room for a lady? > Mamoru looked and noticed that the stranger was carrying > a naked, bruised, and bleeding blond in his arms. Mark: Someone hit a cocker spaniel out on I-81. Sad, really. Gigan: Looks more like Austin when he was *Stunning*, instead of using a *Stunner*. > "Usako!" > he gasped, his voice evidencing the pain he himself was ex- > periencing. Bisch: As opposed to the pain that Simon Bartholomew of Circle Pines, Illinois, experiencing. > "You know her?" the stranger asked. Bret : No, I just like saying that. Usako! Usako! Kaiju : To know, know, know her... is to love, love, love her... > Still gasping, and trying to recover his senses from the > pain of having his skin burned of and the joy of seeing his > beloved Usagi again, Nash: His girlfriend's naked and bleeding... sure, how could he not feel joy? Gigan : Because, my fine wrestling friend, it was really the evil Dark Kingdom General Zoicite, who had been resurrected from the dead by a plot device and was disguised as Usagi again, in a failed attempt at infiltrating the Senshi and getting revenge for defeating him and causing the deaths of Kunzite and the rest of the Dark Kingdom and the real Usagi isn't even in this crock of a story and Mamoru is feeling joy that she's escaped the horrid, evil, perverted and supremely tentacled fate that she might have suffered. (Takes rapid, deep breaths) Bret [sighs]: If only that were true... Dinobot: I rather go postal and kill everyone in this story. > Mamoru was barely able to articulate an > explanation. "I was her boyfriend. But that son of a bitch... Mark: Stone Cold? Look, Austin wouldn't have been dumb enough to let all of this happen, and Steve's not exactly a *rocket scientist* himself. Ghidora: Thank you VERY much for reminding us of the Tuxedo Austin figure. Dinobot: I found that extremely funny. [Stone Cold] AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE! > he used me to get the ginzuishou from her, and... sent us > through... this gate... when he got it." Bisch: Damned rogue sliders! > "Ginzuishou? What son of a bitch? Who?" [The Kaiju hum a guitar riff.] Mark: Oh, you didn't know? [The Kaiju do another guitar riff.] Nash: Then your ass better CALL SOMEBOOOOODYYYYYY!! > "I forgot his... name, but I think it was... Muni, > Muni..." Mark : Mu-ni, Mu-ni, wooo wooo... I'm gonna puke, I know... yi yi yi yiiii.... > "Munihausen?" the stranger interjected. Bisch: Ew! Geez, doesn't anyone in this story have any self-control? > "Yeah." > "That fucking piece of shit's still alive? I thought > I killed him twenty years ago. But he got the Silver Crystal > from her? That means she's... she's... No, she couldn't be..." Space Godzilla: That's what I thought. [Clutches his stomach] I learned the hard way, let me tell you. > The stranger mumbled. > "How do you know... about the Silver Crystal?" Mamoru > gasped. "Or Usako?" Bret : Hitoshi Doi's page. You should really go there sometime. Dinobot: And hope some sick hacker doesn't do to that page what was done to Ben Yee's page.. > "I know a lot of things you don't. Ghidora : So there. Nash : That's why *I'm* the manager and *you're* the fry cook! Mark: But really, a potted plant probably knows more than this version of Mamoru. Dinobot: Or Waspinator. Waspinator not fooled by Porn. > But Sailor Moon was killed fighting the Chou-jin's cousin back > in 1999. This girl couldn't be her." Bisch : Unless this is one of those damned implausible time-travel stories... > "What do you mean 'back in 1999?'" Mamoru asked. "It's > 1993!" Bret : That would be back... in the future!! Nash: Man, my riffs don't hurt *that* bad. > The time reference struck Mamoru's brain really strange, Dinobot: And then Galvatron, Scrouge and Cylonus flew out of a time rift. > but even harder hitting was the reference to the word he had > only heard for the first time from that strange woman: Chou-jin. Mark : I dunno. This Chou-jin stuff is okay, but it looks kinda cheap to me. > The stranger laughed, "What did you do, get hit on the > head or something? It's 2020 now, and the world's been des- > troyed by Nagumo." Bisch: Gee, the world seems pretty solid to be destroyed and all. Bret: It must've been destroyed in the 'Floating Island' sense. Dinobot: Or the sense Mars was blown up by Galvatron. > "What? We're in the future? That would explain a lot > of things." Nash : I mean, I was curious about the tentacle demons from hell running loose in the streets, but I figured that was because of a bank holiday or something. > "Yeah, whatever you say. But anyway, your girl's still > alive, but she's real fucked up. [Nash and Gigan chuckle as everyone else groans at the pun.] > I wouldn't try moving her > if I were you." Mark : Of course, I don't care, so it didn't stop me. > With that the Jujin flew through the walls and left. Bisch: Oh, man, Jujin are the *best* movie candy! Pulled a filling out with one once, though. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: I'd say a "crossing the line" joke, but we already crossed it a LONG time ago. > > In 1993, the senshi had been discussing at length over > tactics to get back Usagi, Mamoru, and the crystal, but after > half an hour the discussion started going around in circles, Bret: Well, considering how stupid the average Sailor Moon villain is, I can't really blame them for running out of ideas. > while for the whole time not one person or cat, not even Chibi- > Usa, noticed that the crystal on the key she wore around her > neck had been glowing ever since the time of the encounter > that day Ghidora: So they're all blind as well as powerless and brain dead? That's par for the course, as far as The Great Red Serpent is concerned. Dinobot: Or Nav. (There is another rumble of thunder. This time, it sounds a little closer.) Gigan: *He's* getting angry... Dinobot: Or The Power Rangers are fighting outside. > (no, Chibi-Usa wasn't there, but the key sensed the > gateway of time opening, and responded anyway). Space Godzilla: We KNOW she wasn't there. We read the previous chapter... Unfortunately. > Finally, after all this time, the unnoticed phenomenon Gigan: ...said "fuck it" and exploded, collapsing the Time Stream and warping reality out of existence. The end. Nash: So what's on Raw? > caught Luna's attention. "Chibi-Usa chan," she said, "your > key." > "Yeah, what about it?" Nash : What's it to ya, mouk? > "The crystal on your key, it's glowing!" Dinobot : And why the hell is the "The Touch" playing in the background? > Artemis, Chibi-Usa, and the girls all chorused a "Huh?" Mark: Glowing. Present tense form of glow, meaning "to shine as if with intense heat." > "Yes, it is." Ami commented. "But what could it mean?" Bisch: Microwave's done. You can have popcorn now! > "This key was given to me by Pu so I could go back to > the future after I find my mom and the crystal. But it's not > supposed to glow like that at all." Bret : And I just gave this thing an oil change... > Ami pulled out her computer and did a reading on the key. Nash : Oh, man! Inverse Satan! You're *screwed*. > "Interesting," was her analysis. "The key seems to be reacting > to some kind of disturbance in the space-time continuum. It's Dinobot : ... showing some metal robot blowing the head off a bigger robot. > way beyond our technology, but if I'm reading it right, we > should be able to use it to travel through time." Mark : My magical exposition computer told me that! > "Didn't I just say that?" Chibi-Usa asked everybody. All : Ha. Ha. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: The Nanite firing squad is ready at all hours to execute traitors to the cause. > > Three days had past since Mamoru found the strange room, > and since his encounter with the blue-haired Jujin. Usagi > had regained her consciousness, Bisch: So after getting molested by demons from hell and horrifically injured, she got better! How nice. All : Awwwwww. >but for now was asleep. Ghidora : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... Die Serpent... ZZZZZZZZZZZ... > During the times she was awake, he did not tell her of his > encounters with the strange creatures or with the Jujin; tel- > ling her would only upset her mental state worse than it al- > ready was. Bret : I'll make sure she's confused! That'll make her feel better! > He was still sore and in pain from the beatings and his > encounter with the aforesaid creature, Nash: ... who, as the party of the second part, could be held liable for damages to the party of the first part. Mark: The Great Red Serpent as a law major? Strangely enough, that fits... > but by this time he Dinobot: Wanted to get out of this story. > was feeling well enough to move around. Bisch: So he and Usagi just *laid there* for three days in the middle of a hellish post-apocalyptic warzone filled with rapacious demons... and nothing happened, and now everything's okay. That's so stupid on so many levels... Bret: You act like you're telling us something we *don't* know. > In the room in which he was staying, in the middle of > the floor was a six-foot-wide steel dome, its top coming a > full two feet off the floor, fastened to the floor by means > of a single hinge on one side, and bearing a handle on the > other side. Nash: Yeah, that's where the Turtles live now. > This structure, obviously a door of some kind, Mark: Merely an illusion to delude the foolish. It's actually a window. > intrigued him, and as the room's already meager food supply > had been worn down to almost nothing, Bisch: There's a good question. What the hell have they been eating for the past three days? Bret: I'm thinking Hamdingers. Nash: And Pop-Tarts. Dinobot: I would say Hot Pockets and candy. Ghidora: And those little bottles of Sunny Delight that come in six packs. Mark: Good lord, it's a miracle they survived! > and he'd most likely Dinobot: ... get raped. Space Godzilla: The frightening thing is... that's a possibility with THIS story. > be killed if he went upstairs to search for food, the only > answer to the problem seemed to be on the other side of that > dome. Bisch: But only the answers to the odd-numbered problems. > Before attempting to open the dome, he first transformed Dinobot: [Makes transformer's transforming noise] > into Tuxedo Kamen. It didn't take away all his soreness, Bret: Then what the hell kind of good did it do? Nash: What the hell kind of good is Tux-boy, *period*? Bret : You *don't* want to get me started... > but Dinobot: ... a robot that could transform into a raptor killed him so he didn't have to go through this trash. > the transformation did replace the skin that had been burned > off his chest and healed up most of his wounds, and it also > increased his physical strength by what he estimated to be > 10%, along with increasing his agility by a factor of 15%. Space Godzilla: When did this become an RPG? Mark: Sadly, the audience cared 0%. Bisch: I feel bad saying this, Bret, but... *geez*, Tuxedo Kamen's a wuss! I mean, Batroc the Leaper could probably take him! Bret: Look, dammit, he's not *supposed* to be a bad-ass... Dinobot: Tigertron and Airrazor are tougher than any of these characters. > After transforming, he attempted to open the door. At > first it wouldn't budge, and after a few tries he decided that > maybe he could pry it open with his cane. Nash: Yes, behold Tuxedo Kamen! Romantic! Dashing! Needs someone to lift heavy objects for him! Gigan [turning to the other Kaiju]: SEE?! There's absolutely no WAY that this weenie could "be even" with me! He can't even open a door! Bret [begins making strangled noises of rage] Dinobot: You *like* Tuxedo Mask? He's as big a heel as your brother, lord of the nuggets. [At this point, Bret begins making *very loud* strangled noises of rage] Dinobot:(Makes even louder noises of rage) I make that much noise transforming. > He succeeded this > time, but ended up breaking the cane in the process. The dome > opened to reveal a moss-covered stone ladder descending into > a dimly-lit tunnel. Mark: Oh, they're in one of the Disneyworld maintenance sheds, and they just found the entrance to the parks' underground nerve center. > The smell of sewer gas ascended from Dinobot: There must be a fast food restaurant down there. > below. "Not much chance of finding food down there," Mamoru > thought to himself, Nash: That depends on how picky you are. Bisch: Ew! Kevin, no! > "but maybe the tunnel'll resurface some- > where that it's safe to come up." With this in mind he went > down the ladder and jumped into the tunnel. Bret : Usagi, honey? If any of the unholy horrors come for you, just thwap 'em over the head with something, all right? > About an hour after Mamoru had gone down into the tunnel, > Usagi awoke from her slumber. She was in pain, but the fact > that she had just woken up from a wet dream left her thighs > feeling incredibly hot. Mark: Well, sex is the first thing I think about when I'm in pain. Nash : Yeah, I know how that goes... Gigan : Tell me about it... [Space Godzilla smacks his forehead.] Mark : Sarcasm is wasted on the stupid. Dinobot : Idiot is comatose. Idiot is not responding. > But the smell emanating from the now Dinobot: ... open Taco Bell. > open hole in the floor was ruining the mood. Bisch: Yeah, because if the room wasn't stinky then everything would be flippin' fine! > Even though in > a weakened state, she managed to crawl over to the dome and > shut it, and then over to the bed to pleasure herself. Space Godzilla: Of course, EVERYBODY needs to masturbate after being brutally tentacle-raped by demons. It's a natural response. Bret & Bisch: Naturally! Nash: But... Usagi's so weak she can't stand, and *she* had an easier time moving the door than Tux-boy... [breaks down in laughter] Mark [chuckling]: It's official now: Tuxedo Kamen is forever more a wuss. Bret: He is not! Dammit, this is all just the Serpent's fault!! Space Godzilla: Bret, I'm the moonie of my group and even I gotta admit it. He's been kidnaped and turned against the Senshi by the enemy thrice... Ghidora: Trapped in a giant ice cube... Gigan: Seriously injured in two of the three movies... Dinobot: Now all we need is Jason Sensation to mock him... be safer than doing Owen Hart. Bret: LOOK, THAT'S ALL VINCE'S FAULT!! Dinobot(Jason Sensation as Owen Hart): I look like a damn road sign! What do you think I am? A school crossing? > The bedposts were tubular, eight inches tall and one-and-a-half > inch wide with a rounded top, and this gave Usagi an idea. Gigan: She ripped the post off and went in search of the author to bash his head in with it? Please? Bisch: You have *got* to be kidding me... there's OOC, and then there's 'Who the hell is this person?' Ghidora [Shudders]: We don't like the look of this. Space Godzilla: Okay. Nash, Gigan, we're trusting you. [Everyone else except for the two perverts, close their eyes.] Nash: Maybe we better get her a doctor. Gigan: Yeah. She's looking a little... Both: ... IMPALED! Gigan: It's clear. > Not too long afterward it it her. Ghidora: Oh dear... the author's developed a nasty stuttering problem. > She had the best > damn orgasm she had ever had in her life, Space Godzilla: When did The Rock start writing this? Voice of Rocky: HEY! Space Godzilla [snickers]: Just kidding, Rock. Dinobot: Since they're listening... if I ever get down and find you I'm going to eat both of you. Voice of Vince: Oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've heard that. > entire sex life had consisted solely of masturbation. Mark: Not surprising, considering who she's dating. Tux-boy probably has the stamina of a fruit fly. Nash: That would explain why she always pops up doin' the nasty with everyone and their mom in lemon fics. Bret: SHUT UP, DAMN YOU! [Space Godzilla sighs and whaps Bret lightly with his tail.] Space Godzilla: Calm down, buddy. Bret: I know, I know... > Her back arched, her tits swelled and her vagina glowed a bright > red, Bisch: She's reaching critical mass! Everybody duck! Nash : That's one way of putting it... Dinobot: [Charges up his optics] > and she screamed as her heart beat at breakneck speed and > the muscles in her pussy and in her thighs pulsed and spasmed [Nash and Gigan sigh blissfully. The others glare daggers at them.] Mark: I've been meaning to ask you this, Gigan... Kevin I can understand, but why you? I mean, you're not even human. Gigan: Well, it would be a lot sicker if the makemonos turned me on, right? Mark: Good point. Carry on. > at a breathtaking, awe-inspiring rate. Bret: INTENSE MUSCLE-SPASM ACTION!! > No, it wasn't Usagi's > usual morning. It was much better. (No offense to Mr. Wong > intended.) Bisch: None taken, because that's the most laughable statement I've read since "A truckload of chairs just fell from the ceiling!" Ghidora: Mr. Wong is not amused. Bret: Let me have Oneshot at The Great Red Serpent. That's all I ask. Dinobot: Give me and Sailor Mars 30 minutes with him... > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: I know what this is! It's an birds eye-view of what the line to the bathroom looks like after people try to read this fic! > > Mamoru, or, rather, Tuxedo Kamen, had been exploring the > tunnel for an hour and a half by the time Usagi climaxed, Nash : Yeah, I have to say... this is *definitely* a tunnel. > and so far there was neither incident with hostile creatures nor > sign of an opening in the ceiling. After traveling for another > ten minutes, having traversed a distance of about two miles > from the entrance that led him here, he came to a point at > which the tunnel divided into three branches. Mark: So which train arrives at Baltimore first? Bisch: Ah... 'none of the above'? > On an impulse, Bret: Leave Bart Allen out of this! > he decided to take the tunnel that branched off to his left. Nash: Poor guy. The one on his right lead to the demon-free safe zone. > After walking for two minutes, he could hear the sound > of music and revelry far in the distance. [Ghidora hums the Ballad of the Wind Fish.] Space Godzilla : I FINALLY BEAT LINK'S AWAKENING! > He began to follow > the sound, but the work of travelling for one-and-three-quarter > hours, along with his only partially healed bruises, took its > toll on him, and he had to rest. Mark, Nash & Kaiju: WUSS-BOY... WUSS-BOY... Bret: ERIC! Make them stop! The real Tuxedo Kamen is nothing like this! Bisch: Sorry, I'm afraid they have a point here. Tuxedo Kamen is, in fact, a wuss. I mean, *walking* tires him out? What the hell kind of superhero is he? Bret: INFIDEL! Dinobot: Bret, Waspinator is tougher than Tuxedo Mask... and so is Nav. [Now, the rumble of thunder sounds almost over head.] Space Godzilla: Please stop making the Usaginite angry. Dinobot: Blizzard! > He sat down on a nearby > rock and started thinking to himself about the situation he Gigan: ... could have avoided if Porn hadn't been such a powerful persuader and he'd used a fraction of logic. > was in, how to get the crystal back from Munihausen, and > whether it would ever be possible for him and his beloved > Usagi to ever return home. Mark: And exactly in that order, too. Multitasking was not one of Tux-boy's strong points. > He sat there, resting, for about twenty minutes, and > then decided to go on his way again. Nash: Exactly why is the Serpent telling us all this? Was that important at *all*? Gigan: It's just there to display just how much a weenie Serpent thinks Tux-Boy is. > He followed the music, All: Fly me to the moon... > and it took him straight down that tunnel for what seemed to > be hours, and over a distance that seemed to have been more > than a hundred miles, Bisch: But was actually about fifteen minutes and thirty yards. Remember, Tux-boy *is* a wuss... Bret: Eric, don't make me turn this into a Starrcade repeat... > until he realized that the smell of the > other tunnel was gone, and replaced with the aroma of meat > being cooked. Mark: Kids come a-runnin' for the sweet taste of human flesh! Nash: Good one! Hey, you're not being so bad this time. Mark: Just because I'm bored. Trust me, I still feel nothing but thinly disguised contempt for you. Dinobot: And I thought the Maximals were nuts. > Walking a little while longer, he was able to > see a campfire in the distance, with a lot of people hanging > around it. [All make monkey noises] > The people dressed no differently than people did > back in 1993, Bisch : And *why*, you ask? Because I don't feel like describing their clothes. Now let's move on, shall we? > and seemed to be of all ages. He decided to > sneak up closer to get a better look at the scene before him, > and pulled out a rose just in case of trouble. Bret: ANYONE who says ANYTHING *will* suffer. [Bret's threats are met with barely subdued laughter] Dinobot: What the hell would a rose do to anyone? [laughs so hard he falls out of his seat] > Halfway between the point where "village" stood and the > point where Mamoru first laid eyes upon it, the the brick walls Dinobot: ... turned out to be Rock Lords and kicked his ass. > of the tunnel stopped and he found himself in an open cavern, > with hills to the left of the village. He went over to the > hills and decided to approach the village from that direction, > hoping it would provide him more stealth. Yeah, as if. Space Godzilla : I want Mamoru to be beaten up even more! > Mamoru had come past the opening of a small cave going > into the rocky hill and thought nothing of it, Nash: Well, it really isn't a big deal in a fic like this. > but as soon as > he crossed the opening he heard a loud "bang," and felt a hot > piece of metal bury itself in his right shoulder. Mark : I'm sorry, guys... I can't go on. Leave me here, while you escape... > Hurt and > bleeding, but still able to use his right arm, he threw a rose > into the dark cave. > The only reply he got was, "Ya think ya gonna hurt me > wit dis flowa, ya liddel faggit! Bisch : Well, yeah, that was kind of the idea... > Why don't cha come in 'ere > an take me like a man?" Bret: No, no, we're doing quite fine without the Yaoi, thanks. > Mamoru used to walk away from such challenges when he > was little, but after being ostracised by the other children > to many times because of it, Nash: Actually, they ostracized him because he was a femmy little geek. The 'walking away from fights' thing was only the symptom of a much larger problem that Tux-boy has yet to solve. > he became the type to stupidly > take on an entire army by himself if one of them so much as > looked at him funny. Thus, the only response to come out > of Mamoru was, "Alright asshole, let's get it on!" Gigan: The role of Mamoru Chiba will now be played by Marty McFly. Dinobot: Or Mills Lane. > He walked into the cave to find that it was much bigger > than its opening had made it appear. It consisted of a five- > foot-wide tunnel which ran for a length of ten feet from the > entrance, and led to one large, round, well-lit chamber. Mark: In English, a short tunnel that lead into a large room. > Mamoru went into the chamber to find out that no one was in it. > "What da fuck ya doin on my mountin, ya fuckin faggit?" > a voice boomed out of nowhere. Bisch: Oh man! It's Dusty Rhodes, and he's pissed! > "That's for me to know," Mamoru replied calmly, not let- > ting on to how much the bullet wound had hurt him, "now show > yourself, you little bastard!" Bret: 'Little'? Mamo, buddy, have you ever *seen* Dusty? > "I'm through da tunnel on da odda side. Why don't cha > come an get me, muddafuckah?" Space Godzilla: I think this fic is trying to set the record for the use of the word "muddafuckah". Nash : Ah weel stomp a mud-hole in ya, if you weeell. Mark : Why yes! I shall charge into battle against the unseen foe! Dinobot: Works for me... then again I'm a robot with optic blasts, a sword, and spinning sheild. And I can transform into a raptor, plus I have my honor and a 'tude that would scare sewer punks. > Mamoru saw a boulder on the far side of the chamber > move, exposing a tunnel similar to the one that led him into > the cave. He traversed the room to get to it, but as soon as > he made it to the center of the room, a trap sprang and Mamoru > suddenly found himself caught in a net suspended from the high > ceiling. All [Imitating muted trumpets]: Waa Waa Waaaaaaaaah. > Once he was caught in the net, at least 200 people came > out from that tunnel and from various holes located all over > the walls of the chamber, Bisch: They're those new travel-friendly collapsible people. > and the first one to approach him > was a human about seven feet tall and 800 pounds of pure > muscle. "Hey, diss faggit's all dressed up in a liddel soot > and tye!" He yelled to the spectators. Bret: Jeez, Dusty's been hitting the 'roids again. This is *not* going to be pretty. > "I didn't come here for trouble!" Mamoru asserted. Nash : Sure, I picked a fight with the first guy I saw! But I DIDN'T come here for trouble! > "Maybee troubel come 'ere for yoo!" the giant countered > as he grabbed Mamoru's leg. Bisch: Paul Wight's in this now? Must've been a lot of wrestlers desperate for cash... Mark : Trouble and... THE CHOOOOKESLAM! Ghidora: Why is it, with the exception of Nash, that all you wrestlers over 6'5" HAVE to use the Chokeslam? Nash: 'Cause they're all slow, malformed freaks, unlike my big sexy self. Mark: Oh, *really*? > The creature grabbed a machete and then said, "Yoo > shouldn't be sneekin aroun like dat. Yoo mite just beecum > somebody brekfist!" He then prepared to lop off Mamoru's leg. Bret : Ah've got dibs on the drum-steecks, if you weeell. Space Godzilla : And you want a leg? And you want an arm? > Mamoru was still somewhat able to move around inside the > net, and was able to stab the giant in the forehead with the > broken-off part of his cane. The cane went deep into the > giant's head, killing him instantly while blood spat out of > the hole created when Mamoru pulled the cane out. Gigan: It met with surprisingly little resistance in both directions. Nash: Whoa! Maybe Tux-boy isn't such a wuss after all! Bret: THE HELL?! Tuxedo Kamen would never kill *anyone*, let alone by stabbing them in the head with a piece of jagged wood! Dinobot: I would. Space Godzilla: But then, you're a psycho with a warrior's code of honor, and Tuxey's *not*. Dinobot: I'm not a psycho... [Inferno flies in] he is. [Inferno flies out] Space Godzilla: Okay... pointless MST cameo #1. > "He killed my brother!" a voice yelled from the crowd. > "Let's tear him down and kill him!" Dinobot: Oh my god! Tuxedo Mask just killed Owen! Others [Except Bret]: YOU BASTARD! [Bret mutters something evil sounding under his breath.] Bisch : Let's form an angry mob and deliver some ill-advised frontier justice! Others: YEAH! > A split second later, Mamoru felt a knife cut the rope > hanging him from the ceiling, and he hit the stone floor of > the cave with a loud crash. A swarm of people were hovering > over him, Mark: You mess with the Legion of Super-Heroes, you get fucked up good. Dinobot: You mess with the X-Men, you get killed. > kicking him, punching him, hitting him with bats, > belts, even pieces of broken glass. Nash: ...and the dread INTERNATIONAL OBJECT!! Other wrestlers: NOOOOO!! > They beat him repeatedly, > while calling him every name in the book, and the last thing > he could remember was a steel pipe hitting him over the head Kaiju: *TOGG!* > before he went unconscious. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: All those who wish to make the Great Red Serpent feel great bodily harm, step to the end of this line. > > In 1993, Ami attempted to do another reading on Chibi- > Usa's key, to no avail. Then Rei attempted a fire-reading, Bret: Translation: She sought to contact Mars, god of plot contrivances! > from which she was able to divine that the key would function > for time travel for all of them in conjunction with the Sailor > Teleport. Rei also attempted to find out where Faust had gone > with the crystal, but was unable to get any answers. Ghidora : Damn it! The Fire's plot device limit is all used up! Bisch: Answer cloudy. Please try again. Dinobot: Ask all the gods... > "The fire's not telling me anything about Munihausen," Dinobot : ... and someone's pouring cheap beer in it. > Rei related her information to the others, "but it did tell > me that Chibi-Usa's key will take us all into the future if > we put her in the middle of the circle while we use the Sai- > lor Teleport, Mark: I suddenly have the strangest feeling of deja vu... > while we think of Usagi. That should take us > to wherever she is, but it will take us to the same time. > But I keep thinking, I've heard the name Munihausen before, > but I just can't remember where." Nash : Something about machinery... > "I think I heard about him in honors history last > week," Ami tried to help Rei's memory. "If I remember it > correctly, a man named Munihausen helped the Nazis with > their occult research during World War II, but Hitler had > him shot when he didn't produce the results that were ex- > pected." Gigan : He's got a nice Porn show though, so it was a real surprise that Hitler shot him. > "Could that have been this guy's father?" Makoto asked. Bret : Is this enough exposition, or should we lay it on a bit thicker? > "He could be," Ami answered. "But even if he isn't, > he's still got the crystal and he's very dangerous, so we'll > have to be ready for the next time we run into him." Bisch: Yet another brilliant suggestion from Ami. I shudder to think what would happen to the Scouts without her. Dinobot: Like what happens in a Nav fic. [The thunder rumble now sounds to be directly overhead.] Bret: What *is* that? Ghidora: You don't want to know. > "Ami's right," Artemis spoke up. "He almost fried you > guys last time, and if you aren't prepared to run into him > again, he could kill you." Mark : Unlike all those other pushover menaces you usually deal with. > "He just caught us by surprise last time," Makoto soun- > ded as if Artemis had insulted the senshi's abilities. "We > can take care of him, no problem!" Nash : We shall easily dispatch that varlet! Huzzah! Bret [grumbling]: Ah, foreshadowing, like a big heavy brick in the face... > "Right!" the other girls chorused. Bisch : Why, I'm sure we'll be all right, and not be sexually molested in any way! Gigan : We SPIT at tentacles. Dinobot: Or DDP will beat the hell out of them for making a crappy rip-off of the Tonight Show. Bisch: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time... Dinobot: Having you and Hollwood Hogan vs. Vince and Stone Cold would be a good idea. > Luna sighed, "All right, if you insist, we can't stop > you. But can't you go without taking Chibi-Usa with you?" Mark : I mean, the little load *will* get tiresome after awhile. > "No," Rei answered. "According to the fire, we have to > take her." Ghidora: Oh Gods... Please don't let that lead where we DREAD it will lead. Gigan & Nash : Happy Birthday, Chibi-Usa... Happy Birthday to you! Space Godzilla [Under his breath]: More like Kagato's Revenge... > Ami pulled out her computer. "She's telling the truth, > Luna. The key is in sync with Chibi-Usa's energy, and it will > only respons to her mental commands." Bret : I'm sorry, but I'm afraid the plot contrivance just won't work without the load. Dinobot: Then get her fully loaded. Like Sable. And I don't think she was even wearing body paint... Nash: Dude! That's disgusting! Dinobot: You loved it. > "I see," Luna bowed her head. "Just make sure nothing > happens to her." Dinobot : Hook her up with Wheelie. I'm sure he'll annoy them away. > "No problem, Luna. You know you can count on us!" Minako > assured her. Bisch: I'd like to call for a moment of silence for Chibi-Usa. Whatever happens to her, I'm sure it won't be pretty. [All bow their heads] > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Ghidora: Flies everywhere line up for the delicious taste of Cocomarsh. > > Mamoru was just now coming to. When he did regain con- > sciousness, he found himself naked in a cold 6'x 8'x 6' cell, > carved into the rock of the cave itself and locked with a > wooden door. Mark: Naked? I call homosexual rape scene! Dinobot: I already called it. Nash: Jeez, a bunch of stacked chicks running around and the Serpent wants to write about some ugly-ass guy... Gigan: Kinda tells you where the Serpent's tastes lie. > He could hear a conversation going on outside > the door. Space Godzilla : Takin' a good piss is almost better than gettin' laid sometimes. Ghidora : NO, "AMANDA AND THE ALIEN" FLASHBACKS! > "Caught him sneaking around the hills about an hour > ago. He was dressed up like a fag and throwing flowers at > people to boot." Gigan : Why? Were they Nerf flowers? > "Probably working for that asshole Caesar, Bret: ...Romero? Dinobot: The head of the Marian Hegemony? > no doubt. > If it weren't for the makemonos, he'd be working us as slaves." > "He does. He uses the makemonos to work in the plant > up top, and he lets the humans take the brunt of the makemonos' > frustrations. Lets them rape our women and everything else, > too. Bisch : That's *our* job! [Dinobot promptly thwaps Bisch in the back of the head, sending him sailing out of his seat] Bisch [crawling back]: Ow! It was a joke, dammit, a joke! Dinobot : Sarcasm not liked. > That's why we're down here underground, isn't it?" > "You're right. But as for this asshole, what're we sup- > posed to do with him?" Mark : Don't you *know*? Who let you be a Deliverance-style homosexual, anyway? > "We're supposed to wait till he wakes up, and then we > can do anything we want with him. Boss's orders." Space Godzilla: That boss wouldn't happen to be named Zed, would he? Ghidora: But in that case, he would be dead. [The wrestlers hum the theme to Pulp Fiction.] > "Thought so. I was kinda anxious for something like > that, anyway. Let's go see how he's doing." > Mamoru was now way too hurt to move, with bruises and > lacerations covering every square inch of his body, Nash: Maybe that's what 'completely injured' means. > and so > he could do nothing when the door opened and the two guards > walked in. Bret: Of course! Can't let anything interfere with the Serpent's rape scene! > "Rise and shine, asshole!" one of them yelled as > he poured a large bucket of cold water over him. Dinboot: Thank Primus that wasn't Ranma in that cell. Gigan: Why? If it was Ranma, then at least we'd get a heterosexual scene in the physical sense, instead of... this. Bret: And that would be better *how*?! Gigan: Look, I'm just trying to help. > The other guard bent over him and heard Mamoru let out > a light moan of pain. "Look, Zeke, he is awake. Can I try > something new on him?" Bisch : Squeal like a pig, Mamo-chan! SQUEAL LIKE A PIG! Mark: Silence, little man. > "May as well, Billy. Boss said we can do anything we > want to spies." > "Hee-haw! Then let's get this fuckin' show on the > road!" [Everyone but Nash and Gigan covers up their eyes again.] Nash & Gigan: ..... Gigan [In wide eyed horror]: Man, talk about sticking it to him. [Turns his head sideways] I never knew a tazer gun and metal pole could be USED like that. Nash [Clutching his stomach in agony]: My loins... stir again... never will. All... clear. > (Pretty sick, huh? I warned you that this story had an extreme > "gross out" factor!) Gigan [Foaming at the mouth]: That's not a "gross out factor"! THAT'S AN ATTEMPT TO TOTALLY DESTROY THE MINDS OF INNOCENT KAIJU AND WRESTLERS EVERYWHERE!!! Bret: If it wasn't, then Vince wouldn't have sent it to us. Dinobot: You forget alien warriors! Gigan: I DON'T *CARE* IF I FORGOT! THAT WAS SO DAMN WRONG AND... [Breaks down and cries on Nash's shoulder. The two cry their eyes out and, after a minute, recover and go back to the fic.] Bret: I... Kevin, we owe you one, if it was that bad. Thanks. Nash [sniffling]: Damn skippy you do. Have any nude pictures of your girlfriend? Bret [darkly]: It wasn't *that* bad. Gigan: That's what YOU think... > > Bill and Zeke's pleasure was to be cut short, however, > by an intensely bright, rainbow-colored light materializing > on the other side of the wide-open door to the cell. Bisch: It's Vision, Lord of Pez! He's going to smite them with the Pez Storm! Dinobot: No... it's Nav and he's going to kick ass! [A giant bolt of lighting comes down and zaps Dinobot.] Mark: Who did that? Space Godzilla: Sorry. Our Overlord is a bit touchy about Na... [thunder rumble] that anti-moonie. Dinobot: What about Blizzard? > The > two looked up at the light and could make out the forms of Ghidora: Choriki Sentai OhRanger! Ready to kick ass! > four fuku-clad teenage girls holding their hands in a circle, > and indside that circle was the form of a little girl, no more > that ten years old. "Well I'll be! More fun for our liddel > partee!" Mark: Wasn't Chibi-Usa's other party *enough*?! Nash: Dusty Rhodes and Chibi... [promptly turns green and nearly falls out of chair]... oh, man, that's too much for *me*... Gigan : You mean what we just saw wasn't enough? > "Don't get too excited, Billy-boy, day mite jest be > sent by dat jakass Caesar." Bret: ...Chavez? > With that in mind, they pulled out of Mamoru's orifices [All the wrestlers shudder and Ghidora faints.] > just as the light was dissipating and the forms of the girls > became solid. When the light was gone, all that was left was > the girls. Bisch: Why, thank you for telling us that, Serpent! If not for you, I would've thought there were camels and donkey and unicorns there! Dinobot: Unicron? Where? > Of course, the over-hyper, perverted-as-hell Billy was > the first to speak up. With his zipper still down and his > little stump of a dick Mark: Clark? > hanging out, he called over to the > girls, "Hay, y'all wanna join our get-together, li'l phil- > lies?" Nash: And I'm sure Billy knows *plenty* about horses... Bret: Serpent, if I have to watch Dusty Rhodes boink one of the Senshi... Nash & Gigan: Hey, we had to watch Dusty boink Tux-boy! Bret [suddenly becomes very quiet and begins hyperventilating] > "Not if y'all was the last vibratahz on earth!" Minako > yelled back, trying to imitate their accent. (Hey, why not? > If they can put Brooklynites and Southerners in Japan, why > not a couple of rednecks?) Space Godzilla: Because, Mr. Serpent, then you're being a DIC. Others: Too late. > Zeke replied, "C'mon, y'all, just tryin' to be naybor- > like. Got a fresh juicee one rite here fer ya too!" Bisch : Well, actually, he's from concentrate, but you can't taste the difference at all! > He motioned his head toward Mamoru's unconscious body. > "You sick perverts!" Rei yelled. "You won't be allowed > to abuse the bodies of unwilling young men! I am Sailor Mars, > and on behalf of the planet Mars..." Mark : ... and warm fuzzy mittens! > Each senshi inserted their planet into the speech... > "And on behalf of the planet Mercury..." > "Also on behalf of Venus..." > "And for Jupiter!" Bret: And for Billy and Timmy and Little Joe, and all the guys back in the regiment! Space Godzilla : Everybody Hai! Others : HAI! Dinobot: I'm sure Sailor Cybertron's "too bright picture" assault would blind them. > Finally, the girls shouted together, "We'll punish you!" [General shouts of joy go up from the wrestlers] Ghidora: We don't think they meant *you*. [The shouts of joy turn into groans of disappointment] > > Zeke and Billy just hit the deck laughing. "Y'all think > that's gonna scare us? Why don't y'all just go back and tell > Caesar dat we ain't goin fer it!" > "Supreme Thunder!" Nash: BOOST KNUCKLE! Dinobot: It's BURN KNUCKLE! And a hurricane kick too... Space Godzilla: And a Final Atomic Buster to seal the deal! Gigan: Wait... ahhhh, just pictured that. > In an instant, the room inside the cell glowed with a > light more intense than that of looking directly at the sun > in full daylight. Bisch: It was the glorious aura of Patrick Stewart's bald head! > The skeletons of the two were clearly > visible under their flesh as the voltage flushed through Ghidora : I learned THAT from Blanka-sensei. Dinobot : Or was it Living Lightning? > their bodies. Jupiter's attack also burned off their hair > and clothes, and was now burning their skin away from their > muscle tissue, and was slowly burning the muscle tissue away > from the bone. Their eyes popped right out of their sockets, Mark: ... and rolled into the corner pocket, so they got another turn! > and the little peas they had in their crania were starting to > ooze out their noses. All they were able to do was scream > when the lightning first hit them, but now they were unable > to do even that. In a matter of seconds, the two guards were > dead. Bret : Gee, you think? Bisch: Bret, why doesn't Jupiter's Supreme Thunder ever do that in the show? Bret: Because our friend the Serpent enjoys turning the Senshi into cold- blooded killers. Dinobot: And brain-dead sluts. Gigan: And weenies when facing demons so they're easy targets for tentacle rapings. > When the carnage had ended, a small voice came up from > behind the senshi. "I didn't have to see that, you know. I'm > just a kid!" Space Godzilla : A 900 year old kid, but a kid just the same. > The senshi's minds thought a singular thing, "Oh, shit!" All : We're still in this fic! > Hindsight Nash: ...yeah? Mark: That doesn't mean what you're thinking, hentai. Nash: No, but I can think it anyway! Mmmm, *hind*-*sight*... Gigan : Huh... hu huh... you said *hind*. > revealed that one of them could easily have covered > Chibi-Usa's eyes and ears, but it was too late now. > Rei went over to Mamoru and bent over him. "Are you > all right, Mamoru?" Bisch : I am *now*! Gigan : I just had a metal pole stuck in my ass. WHAT DO *YOU* THINK?! Ghidora [Looking sick]: AWLK! > He didn't reply. > Ami looked at him with her VR visors. Bret: Troopers, three! Others : Virtual reality! > "He's uncon- > scious," she related the information to the group, Mark : Why thank you, Ami. We never could've figured *that* out alone! > "and there's some type of liquid substance under his abdomen. Ghidora [Shaking]: UGH! Nash: You *had* to remind me of *that*... Bisch: Oh, come on! Even if Mamoru *was* gay, I refuse to believe he'd enjoy having a... [briefly stops and shudders, unable to continue] ..having *that* done to him. No one would! Bret: Eric, this is a warning from personal experience: *Quit* thinking about the story. Bisch: Well, I'm trying, but it just keeps going *on* and *on*... > Maybe we should turn him around and try to resuscitate him." Mark : Nah, I say we just leave 'em here and let him kick off. It's not like he was ever worth a crap in a fight, anyway. > "Good idea," Makoto said, as she grabbed his lower > half and helped Rei turn him on his back. > It was then that they saw exactly what the liquid on > his abdomen was. Nash: It was milk... *just* milk... > This made Minako think back to the speech Rei gave when > they first encountered Mamoru's assailants. "Hey, Rei, maybe > he wasn't so unwilling, after all." All: .... Space Godzilla: Well, there goes all of my newly earned faith in the human race. Bisch: Trust me, we're only like this when the Serpent's writing us! Real humans are nowhere near this sick or depraved... well, at least not most of us, anyway. Dinobot: What about werewoman Oscar? Bisch: Well, he's one of the exceptions. > "What do you mean, Minako san?" Chibi-Usa asked, having > no idea what Minako meant by that? Bret: And she'd better not *find out* during this story, Serpent, or death will rain upon you from the heavens! Mark: Hey, we *do* have that orbital bombardment cannon... Dinobot: We do... why didn't anyone tell me? I got some authors to kill. > The girls just started cracking up. Nash : Oh, innocence is so amusing! We'll have to be sure to throw her a *birthday party* later! > Perplexed, Chibi- > Usa just gave up trying to understand with an "I don't get it." > "He's also badly hurt." Ami continued relaying infor- > mation to the group. "It appears he has multiple contusions, > heavy internal bleeding, and burnt tissue inside the rectum > and intestinal tracts. Bisch : When will he learn that lighting those just isn't safe? > I think the best thing we can do is > clean him up and get him someplace safe." Bret: Mizuno Ami... MISTRESS OF THE OBVIOUS! > "But how are we gonna clean him up, Ami chan?" Makoto > asked. "I don't see any water fountains here or anything." Dinobot : You'd rather not know what water I was thinking of. > "According to my computer, there seems to be a washroom > around the corner from the hall we materialized in..." Mark : Oh, good! I can touch up my make-up! > Ami's reply was interrupted in mid-sentence by the sound > of footsteps. Before long, a group of about 20 armed men was > visible outside the cell. As they were about to walk right > past, one of the men at the back end of the group noticed the > senshi beyond the open door. > "Hey, yo! Look at this!" Wrestlers: SCOTT HALL?! NOOOOOOO!! Nash: Scottie, what the hell are you doing? Get out of the story, man! Bisch: I knew Scott was having personal problems, but to take a job in this *thing*... I've gotta start giving out some pay raises when I get home. Dinobot: Well, if you shoot Hollywood... Bisch: But he's our biggest star! Nash & Bret <*very* flat>: Suuuuuure he is... > The entire group stopped and accosted the senshi. Bret [sighs]: Is anyone here surprised? Anyone? > "What the hell're you.... Hey, wait a minute!" One of > them noticed the bodies. "That's Zeke and Bill! Mark : I'd recognize their charred ashes anywhere! > Why, I > oughta..." Nash: I'm *not* gonna watch the Senshi do it with Curly! Dammit, even I have my limits! > "You oughta what?" Jupiter's tone was as if she was > trying to intimidate them. Gigan: ...which she was. > "Shake your fuckin' hand for getting rid of those two > assholes! They were causing more trouble for us than helping > us by raiding Caesar's army's supplies every two days, and then > almost leading them here. By the way, what're you all doing > dressed up as the Sailor Senshi?" Bisch : Waiting for the tentacle demons to find us. And you? > "Because we are!" Makoto blurted out. > "Yeah, right. And I'm Tuxedo fuckin' Kamen!" the > stranger retorted. Dinobot : He's the guy nude and out cold on the floor. Nash: No, no, that was Zeke and Bill... Bret: Shut up, Nash. > Makoto, now insulted by the stranger's snide comment, > used Sparkling Wide Pressure on the wall of the cell. Mark: Ah, random property damage! Mr. Serpent has truly captured the inner essence of the Sailor Senshi. Dinobot: If he writes Transformers fanfic in the name of the cybertroanin race I'm going to get Sailor Mars and the two of us are going to inflict so much torture and pain on him... > A hole > was punched in the wall to reveal a bedchamber with a brown- > headed man involved in a wild orgy with about 15 women. Nash: Cool! Lord Thinker's gettin' some! Bisch: ARGH! Somebody, HIT HIM! Space Godzilla: My pleasure! [Green energy bolts fire off of his shoulder crystals, wrap around Nash and toss him into the air. Nash lands back in his seat with a loud crash.] > They > continued about their business, oblivious to the fact that a > four-foot hole had been blasted in the wall. > "Whoa, you really are Sailor Jupiter," another man from > the wolf-pack said in awe, [Everyone looks at Nash.] Nash : Not THAT Wolf Pack. Dinobot: They better not be Wolf's Dragoons... > "or you're one of Caesar's fucking > demons!" > "Now just wait a minute." Ami butted in. "Just who is > Caesar? And why do you hate him so much?" Bret: Well, the people of Rome feared that Caesar was going to declare himself king and abolish the Senate. Dinobot: Or that he was going to take over the periphery. Magistray of Canopus and the Taurian Concordat were going to kick his ass. > "They're loyalists!" Another voice shouted. "Kill > them!" Mark: Kill the bloody Tories! > "But wait!" a fourth voice spoke up. "What if they > really are the Senshi? They could really help us in our > fight for Caesar!" Bisch: Look, are you *for* or *against* Caesar? I don't really care which one you pick, but MAKE UP YOUR MIND! > The man who accused the Senshi of being loyalists went > up to the man who made that last comment, and punched him > hard, bringing his fist right through the other guy's skull Nash: Man, steroids must be really good in the future. > and out the back of his head, sending his blood and brain > tissue everywhere. As the corpse fell to the ground, the man > let out, "I hate traitors!" Ghidora : And I hate the laws of physics too. That's why I ignore them. > Chibi-Usa, still traumatized from her nightmare and from > seeing the violence of the past thirty minutes, fell into a > state of shock and fainted. Bret : That's completely implausible... this story is terrible... AAAIIIEEE!! > "Chibi-Usa chan!" Mercury cried out. "I won't allow you > to get away with killing a fellow human being and traumatizing > a little girl. I am Sailor Mercury, champion of justice, > and even if God forgives you, I won't!" Mark : And I'm sure God will approve of me smiting you, even though He wouldn't! > She was about to use > Shining Aqua Illusion on the murderer, Bisch : Your clothes will be drenched and ruined, foul spiller of blood! Dinobot: Which goes to show who's the next biggest wuss in the Sailor Senshi. Space Godzilla: Now be fair... Seiya isn't even IN this story. Dinobot: Inner Senshi then! > when suddenly she heard > a nerdy voice from behind call her name. > "Ami san? Mizuno Ami. is that you?" Nash: See? It really is Lord Thinker! Where's the Delete Key? Bret: ARGH! [grabs Nash in a headlock] Dammit, Kevin, you're scarring me more than the story! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!! Dinobot: Bret, calm down... OR I'LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND MOUNT IT ON A WALL! Bret: Ah... yessir. [releases Nash] > Everybody turned around to see the brown-headed man that > was involved in the orgy. His appearance was anything but > nerdy, with big muscles, a handsome face, and a dick that was > invisible because it was currently being sucked on by three > different women. Mark: Okay, I'm trying to picture how that would work, and I'm not having any luck. Perverts? Gigan: Ah... I'm sorry, that just doesn't work. Nash: Nope, nope, I think Serpent's just showing how little familiarity he has with the source material again. Gigan : Unless our friend here has done something like in the first Overfiend movie. Nash: Oh yeah! Chop it off and replace it with this. Bret: Urgh... *Don't* bring that up... > But his voice sounded strangely familar. Space Godzilla : OH MY GOD! It's SHINGO! [Shudders] I can't BELIEVE I just said that. > The men all backed off once they heard the man recog- > nize Ami, and she herself turned around to be disgusted by > the sight of the ongoing orgy. Bisch : Why didn't anyone invite *me*? > Ami honestly could not recog- > nize the man, who appeared to be in his late forties, but > after one whole minute of staring she made out a few things > in his facial features and by the marks on his nose that could > only have come from wearing glasses, she chanced a guess. > "Umino?" Bret: That's... actually *worse* than Lord Thinker. Mark: Melvin? Just great. Now any minute Antoine's going to show up, they'll have a big Yaoi sex party, and then my head will explode. Ghidora : Not if ours go first... > (Remember the "Sailor Says" for U.S. episode > #20, "...anybody can change...maybe even Melvin!" Also re- > member Volume 1, Act 4 of the manga, where the senshi wondered > what Umino might look like with his glasses off.) Gigan : Why, no. Why don't you keep going and delay us from getting back to the fic a little longer... Ghidora: Didn't work. Gigan: D'OH! Nash: Serpent, buddy, I think you missed the point. And it's not fair to blame your own unnatural desire to write a Melvin sex scene on others. > "You mean, you're Sailor Mercury? I thought you died > 21 years ago. But you don't look like you've aged a day > since back when we were 15. Where've you been?" Bisch : Disneyworld. You would not *believe* the lines there! > "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Bret: Cliche time-travel response number 632. > But what do > you mean, I died 21 years ago?" Dinobot : The decepticons launched a raid on Japan... and Krok stepped on all of you. > "You mean you don't know about it? It was all over the > news. Mark : You see, there was this guy named Nav... [The lightning comes down again, but it strikes Bret.] Bret [Smoldering]: HEY! Why me? Mysterious Dismbodied Voice: Because I like the Undertaker... backstabber. Dinobot: AHHHH Alien Frank!!!!!!!!!! > The Sailor senshi were all mysteriously killed back in > 1999, and their bodies were found hooked up to this strange > machine that looked like it raped them and took their blood > at the same time." Space Godzilla : Thank you SO much for telling them about their deaths. Now they're going to avoid it and CAUSE A &^%&$ DISRUPTION TO THE TIME STREAM! DO YOU *KNOW* HOW HARD THAT IS TO FIX?! Bisch: Poor, poor Sailor Pluto... Nash: It was Windows '98 gone horribly wrong. > All the girls let out a gasp. Minako spoke up, "You > mean, we were killed 21 years ago in 1999? That means, > were in 2020!" Bret : Where's John Stossel? > "Right you are!" Umino answered. "How come you act > like you didn't already know that?" Dinobot Time Travel... Who's that purple guy floating around in the time stream? > "It's like Ami said," Makoto opened her mouth, "You > wouldn't believe us if we told you." > "Try me." Umino's facial expression changed as it > became apparent he was about to come. Mark: Somebody get a tarp! > "Okay," Rei was the first with the courage to tell him > their story. "Back in 1993, this guy calling himself Muni- > hausen showed up and he used Mamoru to get the Silver Crystal > away from Sailor Moon. Then, he threw Mamoru and Usagi through > this green thing that looked like a gateway of some kind. > We came here to get the crystal back and to find them." Bisch: *Exposition* during *sex*? I can't believe *anyone* thought of that... Bret: Would you believe *two* guys have come up with that? > Minako continued Rei's explanation. "Yeah, when we > teleported to the future, we ended up here and two goons were > torturing Mamoru. Jupiter zapped them and then we ran into > these guys," she pointed toward the thugs standing outside the > cell. Nash : Oh, and there were lots of badly done sex scenes and tentacle monsters in there, too. > "Is that how this hole got into my wall?" > Makoto blushed. Mark: Massive sex scene going on before her eyes, okay. Property damage... now that's scandalous. > "Sorry, but these guys didn't be- > lieve we were the Senshi, so I showed them. And when I did, > one of them started calling us demons sent by Caesar, who- > ever that is." Bisch : Well, he was the emperor of Rome... Dinobot : Or head of the Marian Hegemony. > Umino told his guards to back off. "Hey guys, calm > down. I knew these girls back before anybody even heard of > Nagumo or Caesar." He took a long, hard look at Jupiter. > "Makoto Kino, right?" Nash: Y'know, this sex couldn't possibly be any good. I mean, if you're doing it right there's no *way* you could be holding a conversation in the middle of it! > "Hey wait!" Ami reacted in surprise. "How do you know > our real names?" > "Well, you look just like Ami and Makoto. You're just > wearing different clothes than usual. That's all. Besides, > you can say I'm not the same Umino you knew back in school. Space Godzilla: He's got some kind of mystic ability that lets him see through magical auras? Bret: No, the Serpent just felt like being 'realistic'. [grumbles] And it comes off about as realistic as his version of sex... > Not long after we graduated, I learned that you can't trust > anybody in this world if you want to survive. I got mani- > pulated, beat up, and fucked over just too many times. Mark: That's a *bad* image. A *very* bad image. > So I took up weight lifting and martial arts. Bisch : And then I became a green beret and I fought in UFC and it was really cool! > When Chou-jin > destroyed the world and Caesar took it over, however, its > like things went from bad to much worse, and so we all decided > to go underground past the sewer tunnels. Nash : Looking back, that may not have been such a great decision. But the sewers were all the rage back then... > We occasionally > raid his army's barracks for food whenever we really need it, > and occasionally one of his spies or his patrols'll find > this place and we have to kill them before they can tell any- > body else about us. Bret : You would not *believe* the corpse collection we have down here! I mean, you practically can't swing a cat without hitting a few dead bodies! > That's why the boys are so jumpy." He > looked at Mamoru. "You're friend looks like he's really hurt. Mark : I'm getting better! > You want me to have someone look at that for you?" By now he > was coming into the girls' mouths, full throttle. [Nash imitates the truck horn that began his intro music as Diesel] > "That would be great, but I'd like to stay there and > watch." Ami replied to Umino's offer. Bisch [stunned]: Someone *wants* to watch Melvin do it? Bret : Fascinating. I didn't know you could *do* that with a pair of glasses! Mark: Maybe she thinks that it's interpretive dance. > She knew Umino to be > a good person, but the sight of him coming into the mouths of > three women made her suspiscious as to how else he could've > changed. Nash : Yes, he's having an orgasm... he *must* be evil! > Rei thought for a minute, then blurted out her train > of thought. Bisch : I know it doesn't make any sense, but I just don't think Babylon 5 is as good as Voyager! Dinobot : Rei, Babylon 5 kicks Voyager's ass across the universe. > "So the legend of the Overfiend really is true! Dinobot : Now where is that guy with the helicopter blade weapon? > It's not just something my grandpa told me just to put me to > sleep!" Space Godzilla : And give me nightmares that ended with me having to spend five years of my childhood in intensive therapy! Bret: Knowing that makes me question why Grandpa was trying to put her to sleep in the first place... > "Nope." Umino answered as his orgasm was beginning to > subside. Mark: I refuse to believe that the Serpent even knows what an orgasm is! > "The Chou-jin turned out to be a human in Osaka > named Nagumo, even nerdier than I ever was and a complete > hentai otaku to boot. Who'd have known he'd turn out to be > the Overfiend?" Ghidora: Sailor Mac and Mark Berger? Others: Huh? Ghidora: Re-read the first two words of the second to last line. > "But you keep talking about a Caesar taking over the > world. Who's he?" Minako asked, voicing all the senshi's > curiosity. Nash : He seemed a hero, at first. He made the most wonderful salads... > "Right after Chou-jin destroyed the world, this guy > named Caesar took advantage of the ensuing chaos to take > over, staging public orgies and other types of parties Bisch: Another one of those sex-loving fiends! Dammit, when will people learn that sex is unclean and shameful? Dinobot: When people don't like hot sexy vixens. > to > keep the people distracted in their own pleasure while he > was out conquering entire nations. Bret: Okay, so Caesar organized some kind of synchronized sex party, and then ran in and took over when everybody was taking a nap after. > Now he rules the world Gigan : How come we never thought of trying that, Brain? Nash : Because I have something called Good Taste, Pinky. > with terror, and they say he has an advisor called Faust Mark: Felix Faust? > who has the power to boss demons around." Bisch : Hey, hellspawn! Hand over the lunch money, NOW! > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: ANOTHER line? What haven't we crossed yet? Mark: The line that dictates that Luna and/or Artemis will be in a tentacle rape scene. [Everyone, even Gigan and Nash, shudders at the possibility.] Bret: Do they even make tentacles that small? Dinobot: They could hire Oscar. > > Up top, Faust had found another sacrifice and had of- > fered it to Ulotec. Once again, the thousand-penised form > rose up out of the lake to rape its intended victim, Nash: Yup, same ol', same ol'. Man, nothing interesting *ever* happens around here! > this > time taking the form of a humanoid with a jaguar's head, the All : Jet Jaguar... Jet Jaguar! > hands of a gorilla with eagle talons for nails, and a 20-foot- > thick body of a flourescent red color. Instead of outright > raping his victim like he did before, he decided to go for > foreplay, Bisch: So Ulotec put on a Barry White CD, got some champagne... > licking her butt-cheeks and messaging her tits with > twenty of his penes. Mark : Trust me, hon', you'll feel the tension drain right out of you. Bret: Candygram for an anonymous rape victim's tits! > He fondled her clit with his right hand > while holding her up in his left, and inserted his whole hand > into her pussy, Nash: That's not a nice thing to do to a kitty. > causing her to scream as she ejaculated more > blood than Sailor Pluto at her death. Bisch: I would think so, being ripped in half and all... Mark: Serpent doesn't even know which gender ejaculates! Dammit, there has to be some clause somewhere that says I don't have to read this... > The loss of blood sent > her into a state of shock as he continued finger-fucking her, Space Godzilla: And WE'RE in a state of shock too! Bret: Look, to call *this* 'fingering' is an insult to the fine art of fingering that I take deep personal offense to! [Again, all but Nash and Gigan close their eyes.] Nash: This guy's into some SERIOUS mind games. Gigan: I guess a mind really IS a terrible thing to waste. All clear. > The monster stared at Faust. "What is it this time, > Munihausen?" Bisch : And I already told you, I can't get you those Lakers tickets! > Faust held up the ginzuishou in his left hand, in the > same manner as when he showed it the the senshi back in 1993. Ghidora : Because I'm too lazy to describe it again. > He both informed and command Ulotec, "I have the ginzuishou. > Now you will show me how to use it to reactivate the world > after the Overfiend and Evil King meet." Mark : Look, dammit, they explain this stuff in the manual. Save the help line for *real* problems! > Ulotec responded, "I sense that you have sent both > Usagi Tsukino and Mamoru Chiba into the present. This is a > wise choice, for you will need them both. But beware, the > Sailor Senshi have followed them here." Bret: When have the other Sailors done anything in a big fight except get killed so Sailor Moon gets pissed off? I'm not saying that's bad, but Ulotec's really not being too useful as an advisor, here. > "They are of no consequence. If they interfere, they > shall be destroyed." Ghidora: The role of Faust shall now be played by M.Bison... in America. Nash : Animals vill be bred und SCHLAUGHTERED!! > "Whatever. But you must kill Mamoru Chiba and wash the > ginzuishou in his blood, Bisch : You see, Mamoru's blood has an amazing power called 'scrubbing bubbles' that will shine that crystal right up! > then throw his corpse to the make- > monos. Mark: A Yaoi tentacle rape scene. Lovely. My head *is* going to explode before this is over. Ghidora : That's... our... job. > As for Usagi Tsukino, she must be forced to give up > her possession of the ginzuishou and to pronounce you as Space Godzilla : ... a cybernetic, mop headed weenie who couldn't get a girl if his life depended on it and can only get off watching tentacle demons do it to girls! > its heir. Then, and only then, shall you be its master, and > after that, you need only wait for the Overfiend and Evil > King to meet, Bret : At which time, they shall have a cheese danish and a large cafe latte, and reminisce about high school. > and the ginzuishou will discharge its duties > at your volition." Bisch: How come Vince didn't have to do that? Bret: How do we *know* he didn't? Bisch [shudders]: Ooh. Good point. > "Excellent. Now you will tell me where I may find both > Usagi Tsukino and Mamoru Chiba." Nash : And then you will dance for me! > So Faust was told exactly where he would find the two, > and was informed of Mamoru's condition, and the location of > the other senshi as well. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: Sheesh! There's more lines in this fic than a department store at Christmas time. > > A day had past since Mamoru had found the village and > the other senshi had arrived, and Usagi was still in the > mansion's basement. Mark : Counting the cracks in the ceiling is fun and all, but even *that* gets old after a while. > Her wounds had pretty much healed by > now (inhabitants of the Silver Millenium seem to heal at > five to six times the rate of terrestrial humans), Bret: Bet she has an unbreakable adamantium skeleton, too. Dinobot: So she is dense. [Space Godzilla *THWAP!*'s Dinobot with his tail.] Dinobot: Hey! Now if only Usagi had as much body hair is Wolverine... [shutters] > but all > food had now been depleted, so she was both hungry for food > and worried about her missing Mamo chan. Bisch : Gee, it's been nearly a day since a saw him... I wonder if anything's wrong? > Masturbating may > have helped her get her mind off these things the day before, Nash: Her mind wasn't the only thing getting off! Space Godzilla: Don't make me Gravity Tornado you again... > but she had had enough of that and was now no longer horny. Mark: A sudden warp in the fabric of reality caused her to be in character. > She had become tired of being cooped up in the same > room all this time, but her first encounter with the make- > monos had made her too afraid to climb the stairs that would Space Godzilla: Yet she was able to bring herself to touch herself in a sexual way? Hentai Man, all is forgiven. > take her above ground. She remembered the open doorway in > the middle of the floor, and that she had closed it because > of the awful smell coming from the open hole. "Could Mamo > chan have gone down there?" she thought to herself. "I > hope I didn't lock that thing on him." Bret : Because that would make it hard for his critically injured body to stagger back! > But she didn't have too long to sit and ponder on > things like that. Her train of thought was broken by the > sound of footsteps right above the opening, and a dim light, > kind of like sunlight on a cloudy day, shone in as the pas- > sageway in was opened. "Mamo chan?" she called out in > relief, Bisch: ...because she was stupid. Bret: Hey! Bisch: Well, it's true in *this* story. > glad that her lover had returned. > But it was not to be. As soon as she was able to see > the feet of the person coming down the stairs, it was obvious > that he wasn't Mamoru. Nash: It was Krusty the Clown gone *horribly* wrong! > It was a gold, mechanical foot on one > leg, mostly all covered by a long black robe. [Gigan hums stripper music.] > "So we meet again Usagi Tsukino." Munihausen informed > her. "I was wise to throw you into my time, as now I have > you alone and you may yet be of some use to me." Mark: Oh, now *there's* a set-up line... > "Never! I'll never help you!" Usagi said. Bret : And I'll never say foolishly heroic phrases that I can't live up to, either! > "Your dear Mamoru is here too, and he is dying. There > may be nothing that can be done to save him. But your love, > perhaps..." Bisch: Not *this* again! Come on, even *Usagi* should be able to see through this! Dinobot: She's going to trust him after what he did to her? Porn isn't *that* powerful! > Usagi remembered the last time somebody tried playing > that trick on her, when the Dark Kingdom had captured Mamoru > and Kunzite told her he wasn't doing too well in order to get > her to cross over into their realm. "You're lying!" Nash : The Serpent will make me into your pawn anyway, but I *do* know that you're lying! > "You may choose to believe that all you wish, but know > that I am telling you the truth. I will show you." Mark : Behold the power of PORN! > > Faust held up the ball and gave Usagi a little picture > show. Space Godzilla: Of the Rocky Horror kind? Gigan: Does the all-powerful effect of Porn work on females? Bret: In Serpent's world? I have no doubt. > Mamoru stuck in a bed in a broken-down hut, with Ami watching > him and several attendants taking care of his wounds. This > was exactly what was going on at the moment, with no alter- > ations. They were cleaning him, putting ice on his bruises, > stitching and bandaging his wounds, and other medical stuff. Bisch : Y'know, *stuff*. > Usagi looked on and said loudly, "Mamo chan!" She > looked at Faust and asked, "Will he survive?" Ghidora: She expects him to tell her the truth?! [Rolls all six of his eyes] Usagi is not THAT foolish. Space Godzilla [Eyes glowing]: Anyone want to dispute that?! Bret : C'mon! Please? Dinobot: Only when she kills herself over a video game... now that had to be a stupid thing for the wisest Autobot to do... > Faust calmly replied, "Behold, I will show you his > future." This was when he changed the scene into what he > believed to be Usagi's worst fear. Space Godzilla: A world without sugar. Nash : Oh God... we get bought out by Go Nagai? NOOOO!! Gigan : Oh wait... it's a parody fanfic by The Eternal Lost Lurker. We're safe. > The scene before Usagi now was that of Mamoru in bed, > with the other senshi around him. "He's not going to make > it past tonight," she overheard Ami saying to the other > senshi. Mark : I'm sorry, the plot contrivance computer told me, and it's never wrong. > "Should we really give him his last dying wish?" Makoto > asked the other senshi. Ghidora: How much does everyone want to bet that it involves a massive orgy? Bisch: After all we've been through, I think this story owes us a little lesbian sex. Bret: Eric, it's the *Sailor Senshi*! I understand the appeal of lesbians, but that's just wrong! Nash: Don't ruin the good sex scene for the rest of us, pink-boy. Mark: I'm afraid we'll have to smite you if you do. Gigan: Hear Hear! [The other Kaiju look at Gigan like he's lost it.] Dinobot: *shakes his head* Weirdos. > "Why not!" Rei exclaimed. "He is cute, oops! I mean, Space Godzilla : Sorry, I'm still trying to shake off the Serpent's influence over me. Bisch: Oh, like that's likely to happen > it really is the man's dying wish. I just wish Usagi were > here to see this. We'd make her way jealous." Bret : Betrayal is fun! > "She had no right hogging this hunk all to herself when > there's plenty to go around, anyway." Minako voiced her > opinion. "Can you believe the nerve of some people?" Nash : Gawd! Her and her stupid *monogamy*! > "I never really liked her, anyway." Makoto said. "I > was just pretending to be her friend because she's the leader." Mark : Isn't it weird how we're all suddenly spouting our best friend's worst fears? Like something out of a bad fanfic, isn't it? > "You're right." Ami replied to Makoto. "All she does > is whine and moan about her own petty little problems. Bisch : Like *she's* ever had to suffer! > 'Why > doesn't Mamoru love me? Why? Why?' If she'd stop being > such a ditzy airhead, maybe she'd still have Mamoru instead > of having to wonder why he left her for the four of us." Nash: Looks like Tux-boy finally did something smart! Bret [glares in Nash's general direction] Dinobot: Then why is Chibi-Usa dating Nav? [Everyone ducks as a lighting bolt with the force of a Tac Nuke strikes Dinobot.] Space Godzilla: Dinobot! Don't encourage the Usaginite. Dinobot: The lighting is recharging me. > Makoto laughed. "Yeah, but she doesn't know he's been > boinkin' us on the side, right?" All [REALLY, painfully sarcastic]: Riiiiiiiiiiiight. > Minako replied, "No, I don't think so. She's too ob- > sessed to figure it out. But there's one thing I wanna know. > What was his dying wish?" Mark : Mallo Cups. Lots and lots of Mallo Cups. Dinobot : To be turned into a transformer. > "He's fucked us one at a time," Rei filled her in, "but > we've never had just one big anything-goes-fun-filled-orgias- > tic-as-hell fuckfest. Bisch: Rei sounds like a carnival barker. Nash: Hey! Maybe they'll do it... CLOWN STYLE! Gigan: Clown style? Never heard of it. [Bows to Nash] TEACH ME, OH MASTER! Nash: I'll show ya the tapes later, buddy. > He said wanted to do that with all four > of us before he died." Bret: Awww. How OOC! > A tear rolled down Usagi's cheek. I was one thing for Ghidora : ... being such a stupid author and creating such unrealistic situations so that I could write disgusting as hell Lemon scenes. > the other senshi to talk about her, especially Rei, but the > thought of Mamoru leaving her to sleep with her best friends Space Godzilla : ... was as unrealistic as Bret being on the same side as Hogan. Bret: *Tell* me about it... > was just too much to bear. "Turn it off! I've seen enough > you ugly creep!" she yelled at Faust. Mark : And the Serpent's made me completely incapable of shutting my eyes or looking away! > "No, Usagi Tsukino, you have not. There is more to > their deceit than that which you have already seen." Bisch : Much of which involves nudity and whipped cream... > It has always been said that the more intellectual peo- > ple in the worlds are also the most perverted, Nash: It has? How did I miss that one? Gigan: Why do you think Washu-chan likes to "experiment" on Tenchi all the time? Nash: Ooh. Good point. > and Ami was > the last person to prove this saying wrong. She was the fas- > test to take off her clothes and strddle Mamoru's chest, Dinobot : AHHHHHHHH!!! > bubbing her pussy against the badly bruised and wounded flesh > of his upper torso, getting herself off more so than him. Bret: They're *raping* him? Bockwinkle preserve us... Mark: And how dare she *bub* him! Why, bubbing is a sacred act that should be saved for true lovemaking! Bisch: How come no one ever bubs *me*? Nash: Well, it takes some as big and sexy as myself to get chicks to *bub*... Gigan [Sad]: If any girl tried to bub me, they'd end up killing themselves. [Wipes away a single tear.] Dinobot: I'm a warrior not a ladies bot, so I don't want any women. > Rei preferred the more direct approach. She went over > to his limp dick, put in in her hand, and started jacking it > off in order to get it hard. After stroking for half a > minute, his microscopic soldier finally stood at attention. Bret: Insert your own 'Small Soldiers' joke here, folks. Dinobot : Hey, where are the Outer Senshi? > > (***For those who want to know why I pick on Mamoru's > dick size, go to any X-rated Sailor Moon image pages and > you'll find one of Tuxedo coming in Venus' mouth. I mean, > look at how tiny that thing is!) Gigan [to Nash]: After this chapter, we go STRAIGHT to the computer. Nash [To Gigan]: You want to see... Gigan [To Nash]: No! But I hear that the "view" of Venus... Nash [Grins]: When you put it THAT way... Mark: I weep for the forces of good taste in this universe... Dinobot [gets up and slugs Gigan]: Nash you want me to give you the Stunner? Gigan: OW! Hey! He's not supposed to hit me! [Space Godzilla and Ghidora stop Gigan with a withering glare.] > > To continue. Once Rei got his dick hard, she moved > her hand to his balls Bisch: Basket? Baseball? Croquet? Ghidora: With Mamoru, you can be certain they're not bowling balls. [Blinks] GAH! We couldn't help it... AGAIN! > and took all of his dick into her > mouth (DOWNLOAD THE FUCKIN' PICTURE!!!!), gently carressing All but Gigan and Nash: NEVER!!! Gigan & Nash [To themselves]: Later... > his head with her tongue and very, very, very slightly Bret: You need to convince me some more, Serpent. I'm just not buyin' that it was slight. > rubbing > the length of his shaft with her teeth. He was barely con- > scious, but this caused him to wake up and let out a large > moan of both suprise and pleasure. Nash : For me? Why, you *shouldn't* have! But if you insist... > This gave Ami the idea > of slowly rubbing her crotch up his chest until it found its > way sitting directly over his mouth. Mark : I have the sudden craving for Snow-balls... Ghidora: She's trying to suffocate him? Gigan : I could think of worse ways to go... Dinobot: Like me gutting you like a fish? Gigan [Belly Blades vibrating]: Just TRY it, buddy. > In spite of his dick > size, Mamoru's tongue was more than long enough to make up > for it, and he responded to the hot piece of meat over his > mouth Bisch: Gives the phrase 'Prime cut' a whole new meaning, doesn't it? Bret: 'Hot piece of meat'? He actually called the center of a woman's sexuality a 'HOT PIECE OF MEAT'?! Could you at least *pretend* to view females as anything other than sex objects, Serpent? Nash: Shut up and deal with it, pink-boy. We're in a N.O.W. nightmare. Bret [grumbling]: I just wish Samantha was here to blow up the screen again... Mark [smirking]: No, you just wish Samantha was here. Bret [blushing]: SHUT UP! Dinobot [Goes ballistic and assualts the theater with his sword, spinning shield and Optic Blasts]: Happy now? Bret: Actually, yes. Kaiju [sweatdropping]: .... > by immediately darting his tongue in and out of her > luscious sheath. Bisch: And the sword she was keeping in there cut it off, right? Nash: Cool, La Blue Girl flashback! Bret: Do you really need to invoke *that*? > Makoto and Minako were watching this and getting quite > turned on. Wrestlers [save Bret, chanting]: GIRL-ON-GIRL! GIRL-ON-GIRL! Space Godzilla & Ghidora [sweatdropping even bigger]: ...... [Gigan chuckles, as he's obviously enjoying this.] > Mamoru's mouth and dick had already been taken, > so they moved to a place where he could see them and started > giving him a little show of their own. Bret: It was the Ed Sullivan show! [The other wrestlers ignore him and erupt into jubilant cheers. Gigan is hopping up and down in his seat as the other Kaiju and Dinobot shake their heads in disgust.] > At first, they star- > ted with the basics, Mark: Addition, subtraction, the multiplication tables... > kissing each other while Minako fondled > Makoto's well-endowed bosom with her hands, kneading the huge > mounds Bisch : She's got huge... tracts of land! Mark: Quite the understatement, actually... Bret: I don't know any of you people! > and rubbing them around in a circular motion, making > sure her palms paid special attention to Mako chan's rock- > hard nipples. Nash : Can't forget those, can we? Gigan : Nope nope. Can't forget 'em at all. > Makoto returned the favor by lowering her left hand to > the level of Minako's groin Bisch: You won't accomplish anything by descending to their level... 'cept in this case, of course. > and fingering the area around her > vagina, getting it just lubricated enough so that she could > stick her fingers in. Mark: Let's pretend that Spider Man is like GT Castrol Syntech oil... Dinobot: Why was the Punisher the harmful particle in the engine? Mark: One of the great mysteries of the universe, my friend. Space Godzilla: Have you ever tried reading issues of the Punisher? Dinobot: Yes... I enjoyed when he fought the false MLF. Ghidora: Or watching the Punisher movie? Dinobot: They did? > With her right hand, she decided to > use that for the purposes of her own pleasure. Bret : I'll put on a puppet show! Dinobot: And I bet Crow wishes he was the puppet. Voice of Crow: YES! > Back on Mamoru, Nash: NO! NO! I don't care about him! I want lesbians, dammit! LESBIANS! Other Wrestlers [except Bret] & Gigan: HEAR HEAR! Bret [To Space Godzilla as he buries his face in his hands]: Why us? Space Godzilla [Sighs]: Because those of us with morals are the first to suffer. > Rei was still sucking him and could > feel that he was about to come, so she ended her little blow- > job Bisch: A *very* little blow-job, according to the Serpent. > and kept her hand on his dick in order to help him to > maintain his erection. She got on top of him, and was in > such a position as to be facing Ami. So she rode Mamoru's > dick with all the force she could muster Mark: She's only got two regiments... she'll never be able to beat the Indians! Dinobot: Unless she hires Wolf's Dragoons. > and at the same time > keep her balance so she could kiss and fondle Ami. This > proved to be something of a challenge, but it worked out just > fine. Bret: There was a big evil orgy, and it was just fine. Nash: This is a little bit better, story, but I still think you're under- utilizing your lesbian quotient. > Rei could barely feel Mamoru's dick inside her, as she > was still a bit stretched from having been with Jason just Mark: Urge to kill... returning... Gigan : I TOLD him not to use the Power Sword AND The Golden Power Staff but... [Ghidora blasts him with a Gravity Bolt.] > the other night, but she could feel it twitch as he was about > to let loose a cataclysmic load. Bisch: That's what makes women blow up in these demon hentai fics, right? Bret: Do I *have* to think about that now? Dinobot: Good thing I know the matrix is Primus's energy...or some of you [glances at Gigan and Nash] would think it was sexual energy when Unicron exploded. > She was beginning to feel > good too, from Ami's kisses and fondling of her tits. Nash: Well, let the good times roll! > As for > Ami, Mamoru's tongue was a more than efficient instrument for > bringing her to an orgasm, too. Consequently, the room was > filled with earth-shattering yells as all three came together. Mark: But then they had to wait, like, forty minutes for a table. > Makoto and Minako had changed positions while this was > all going on, and were now involved in an intense sixty-nine. Bisch: How's this, Nash? Nash: Finally, something I can relate to! I love this story right now! Ghidora: Enjoy while you can. Knowing Serpent, it won't last. > Makoto licked and licked circles around Minako's opening, > paying extra-special attention to her clit and making sure > to tease that special place every so oftenby licking circles > around it. Bret: Amateur. Lick a square around it, then you've done somethin'. > Minako moaned in plasure in order to voice her ap- > proval, Mark: As opposed to moaning in pleasure to make it stop? Bisch: Actually, that happens quite a bit in rape-fics. Mark: Ah. Well, I guess I'll need to expand my list of souls that need to feel the fires of hell. Dinobot: Or the fires of Inferno. Space Godzilla: Or Gamera's Ultimate Plasma Fire. > while she was fingering Makoto's clit while darting > her tongue in and out of Makoto's inviting snatch. Nash: I wonder if that invitation called for an RSVP? Well, not that I *care*... > The sound > of their companions coming had brought them to an orgasm > shortly afterward, but their moment of triumph was cut short > by an "Oh shit!" coming out Rei's mouth. Bret: Ew! What the hell could you do to cause *that*? > Everybody looked up to see what was wrong, and Rei told > them that his dick wasn't getting limp after he came. Ami > bent over to check his pulse, and that confirmed the worst. > Mamoru was dead. Bisch: Y'know, I was ready to forgive the Serpent. I was almost ready. And then he just *had* to throw this in... Mark: Necrophilia, number one choice of disturbed authors everywhere. Nash: Dammit, now we have to go back to the stupid story. Dinobot: I heard sex is a little death, but this... > The four girls just stared at each other for a few > seconds, and then started cracking up in a maniacal fit of > laughter. Bret : Oh, we do have fun, don't we? It's the moments like this that I live for, let's *never* change! DInobot(Jason Sensation as Owen Hart): Enough is enough and it's time for a change... except I couldn't grow my damn beard in. > "We should've beat his ass a long time ago and done it > to him then!" Rei said... Bisch: Yeah, I could see how Usagi could believe this. It involves her being the victim of a tragic accident that drove a crowbar through her skull and destroyed her ability to use logic, sure, but I could still see it. > > The show stopped there as Usagi cried out enough tears > to flood the entire room. How dare they? Not only did her > beloved Mamoru leave her for all four of her best friends and > not only did her friends betray her by sleeping with him, > but they all beat him up just so they could have an orgy be- > fore they died! Mark: It was all just *too* horrifically stupid! > "The nerve of those girls!" Usagi yelled Dinobot: ... then thought about it and found it to damn stupid to be real. > out. "Doing that to me! I'm gonna kill'em!" Gigan: The power of Porn strikes again! The proceeding was also brought to you by the Porn Council. PC reminds you that, three's company and four play. All : P-O-R-N... PORN! > Faust grinned and chuckled under his breath, then stopped > it as soon as Usagi looked up at him again. Nash : Ahh... Nothing! Nothing! No evil here! > "Do you know where > he is?" Kaiju : Where in the world is... Mamoru Chiba? > "Yes. But he is too far away for you to save him > without my help." > "Take me to him! Please, I'm begging you." Bret : Please, abuse my trust and make me part of your evil scheme! Please! > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: Now there's more lines in this fic than the ones that lead to a movie theater's bathroom when a showing of Titanic has let out. > > In the village, Mamoru was asleep in a bed, with the > other four senshi, long since changed back into their normal > identities, Bisch: And just what the hell kind of good did that do? Your guess is as good as mine! Ghidora : Simple. When the tentacle demons show up, the Senshi will have to waste precious seconds reaching for the Transformation Sticks and be raped before they can transform. > in the same room watching over him. Four of > Umino's people, all doctors who had also fled underground to > escape Caesar, had tended Mamoru's wounds and told the girls > that he'd be all right in about a week or so. Bret: But what about that Silver Millennium healing factor thing? Mark: You're forgetting, Mamoru's a wuss. Probably bruises if you poke him too hard. Dinobot: So his head pops off if you hit him with the butt of a rifle? > Everybody was > worried about Usagi, but Mamoru was the only one who had any > information about her whereabouts, and since they knew better > than to try getting information out of an unconscious person, Ghidora: The way their eyes keep rolling back into their heads makes it really tough to get their attention. > they reluctantly decided to wait for the morning, when the > doctors predicted he would gain consciousness. Nash: Of course, the doctors also predicted that the true alien creators of the human race were coming soon to gather their children and whisk them away to the stars. > Everybody was on the verge of falling asleep, but Rei's > evil sense told her that falling asleep was the worst thing > they could do. Bisch : Evil sense... tingling! Bret: Great, this has 'lesbian orgy' written all over it... Mark: And that's bad how? Dinobot: It's written by a person that is a crappy writer. > The other four girls (Ami, Makoto, Minako, and Chibi-Usa) All: Well, DUH! > were talking to each other about how they all wanted to > turn in for the night. > "I don't think that's a good idea," Rei protested. Bisch : We can't do the Serpent's big orgy scene if we're asleep. > "I've got this weird feeling that that guy's gonna come for > Mamoru tonight, and I think we'd better be ready for him." Nash : I'll get the garter belts, and you guys get the handcuffs! > "What about Chibi-Usa?" Minako asked. "She doesn't > have to stay up with us, does she?" Bret: NO, SHE DOESN'T!! Gigan: PLEASE! Even *I* don't wanna see one with Chibi-Usa! > Rei answered, "Of course not, Minako, just us four. > Damn. You're getting as bad as that airhead Usagi!" Space Godzilla: Rei insulting Usagi without her around? Davies is not amused. > "Well excuuuuuse me!" Mark: I'm just a wild and crazy guy! > The four of them put Chibi-Usa to bed in a room next > to the one in which they had Mamoru. "So what do you think > we should do to keep ouselves awake?" Makoto asked. Wrestlers [save Bret]: SEX! > Minako came in. "I bet I can think of something." Ghidora : The moment we've been *waiting* for. Nash & Gigan : You can say THAT again! > With that she started taking her shirt off and motioning to > the others, "Ever wanted to know what it felt like with a > girl?" Mark: Why, I'm sure Eric wonders about that all the time. Bisch: *HEY*! > Ami was repulsed by the idea. "You're sick, Minako. Bret: A voice of reason! Everything I said about you, Ami, I take back! Dinobot: I see... > Besides, this is no time to play sex games when that man > can come for Mamoru at any minute! You all heard what Rei > said." > "Oh, c'mon, Ami," Makoto defended her friend, "don't > you geniuses ever have any fun?" Space Godzilla : I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine. > "Yeah!" Minako was kind of turned off by Ami's re- > sponse. Nash : Fine! Don't have sex with me then! I'll just go over here... alone... [weeps] > "We'll all fall asleep if we don't do something to > keep us awake. And if you don't wanna get involved, you > can put yourself on guard duty." Mark : Well, the guards are rather attractive... Ghidora : Don't make us force you to relive the '98 Royal Rumble. Dinobot: Or Summerslam... > Ami reluctantly exited the room to stand guard over > the girls' room and Chibi-Usa's while the girls decided to > have some fun. Ghidora: They broke out the Monopoly and Parchisi boards. Dinobot: I rather have them break out the battletech equipment. > Minako was already working on taking off her clothes, > and had already taken off her light blue dress. She moved > over to Rei and put her breasts in her face. Space Godzilla: Boooooing! Bisch : Aren't they neat? Watch, they've even got a kung-fu action punch! Just push the button on the side. Dinobot: That would explain that button on the side Black Archina's... Space Godzilla & Bisch: DON'T! > Minako's bra opened from the front, so Rei understood > the cue. With her teeth, she opened the front clasp and Gigan: Unfortunately, David Letterman gave it the honor of being the first Stupid Human Trick to be rejected. > began kissing Minako's lovely mounds of flesh. Space Godzilla : Minako's getting thick around the middle. Bret: And I'm sure she'll go after Minako's *hot piece of meat* next. > Makoto came up from behind Minako and pulled down her > panties, also with her teeth. Nash: Impressive! I never could get stuff like that work right, myself. > As soon as the panties were > out of the way, she started kissing Minako's butt-cheeks, > and licking her asshole. She took her left hand started Dinobot: To get out a gun to end this nightmare. > pleasuring herself, massaging her clit and her labia until > she started lubricating, Mark: Then she bottled it up and passed it off as Valvoline to make a quick buck. Space Godzilla: YUCK! Mark... no. > then she stopped licking Minako's > asshole for just long enough to put her own finger in her > mouth and taste the juices. Minako noticed her doing this, > and asked, "So how's it taste, Mako-chan?" Bisch : Well, it's not *bad*, but we need some more spices. I'm thinking a little oregano, some paprika, and maybe some haught. > "Mmmm-Mmmm! Yummy!" She said as she went back to All : I've got love in my tummy. > work, this time eating out her friend while pleasuring > herself at the same time. Bret: All together now, guys... All: TASTES LIKE CHICKEN! > Rei had stopped kissing on Minako's tits and was now > kneading them with her hands while the two girls shared a > massive French kiss. Bisch: Ooh! I've had one of those before! They're great! You've got your ice cream and the croissant... Nash: You poor little man. > After about four-and-a-half straight > minutes of kissing, Minako ended it and whispered in Rei's > ear, Space Godzilla : I... need... AIR! > "Lay down. I wanna know how you taste." [At this, widespread laughter breaks out] Mark: Why, I'm sure she'll have a nice 'papaya and mango' flavor. > Minako took off Rei's brown shorts and red lace panties, Ghidora: It's amazing how they're all *coincidently* dressed in fancy under wear, isn't it? > and Rei lay down on her back. Minako pursued Rei's descent > to the floor, and Makoto followed so as to finish what she was > doing. Bret: It's like a big game of naked Twister. Nash: Oh, those are the best! Always end up ruining the mat, though... Dinobot [rubs his head]: Nash you are sick and it's starting to drive me nuts. Even more so than Crow. Nash: Thanks! Dinobot [Picks up Nash by the throat]: Drive me nuts and you're the first one I kill. Got it? Nash [choking]: Uh huh. [Dinobot lets him go.] > Rei grabbed her right tit inside her right hand, and > with her left hand she reached down to masturbete a little > before Minako reached her cunt. Bisch : I'll be there in a few *seconds*... geez, can't you wait? >She lubricated her pussy Gigan : How'd I get involved in this crap?! > enough to get her index finger in, and then she, like Makoto, > pulled it out so she can taste the juices. Mark : No, no, the turkey's not done yet. > As she sensuously > licked the juice off her finger, making a spectacle out of it > for Minako's pleasure, a smile crossed her lips. Bret : This is so damn *stupid*, it's funny! > Minako took > this as the signal to go down on her, diving in not to tease > her clit or massage her labia or any dumb shit like that, Nash: YEAH! None of that dumb foreplay shit! SNOW-BALL! SNOW-BALL! [Space Godzilla lifts him into the air again with his Gravity Tornado and drops him on his head.] Nash [righting himself]: ...what?! > but > to just ram that tongue straight up in her pussy for the sole > purpose of basting it her Rei's love juices. Space Godzilla: Then putting it back in the oven at 450 for another hour. > Rei let out a > slight moan as Minako's tongue went in deeper than she had > expected. Bisch: Err... this really doesn't sound like a 'slight moan' kind of situation... Mark: Oh, like you'd know. > Makoto continued eating Minako, Bret: Sadly, Minako was incredibly fatty and Makoto gained thirty pounds. > who would've let out > some audible acknowledgement the Makoto was doing her job > well, but she was just too well-mannered to talk with her > mouth full. Nash: Y'know, manners don't really apply to a situation like this. C'mon, just a little bit of screaming, please? > But Makoto's tongue was now well inside Minako, > darting in and out at full throttle. Minako had urinated > recently, so there was a nasty taste to her genitalia, but Bisch: Oh, only the Serpent could ruin a scene like this! Ghidora [Stiffens]: GACK! Space Godzilla: He just HAD to get that last shot in, didn't he. > Makoto was somehow able to ignore that and kept on licking. Mark: Well, I can't really blame her... > Their fun was interrupted when Mamoru, hours ahead of > schedule, regained consciousness, jumped up to a sitting > position, Nash: And now, watch me collapse to a standing position! Dinobot : What the hell are you doing... it's better than what stuff that one guy showed me. > and cried out as a man who had just seen his lover > kidnapped, tortured, raped, or otherwise hurt, "Usakooo!" Bret: Yeah, it's a bitch when you have to stop unrealistically having sex with each other and learn that the friend you'd die for is in trouble. > > * * * T O B E C O N T I N U E D * * * Bisch: Oh, man... this is not good. I have a feeling Serpent won't stick to the lesbian orgies, guys. Mark: If I have to sit through *more* Yaoi... Ghidora : We don't know if we can survive it... Space Godzilla: Hang in there buddy. We'll make it... I hope. Nash: I dunno... another scene like the one with 'Zeke and Bill'... ugh, I need a drink now. Gigan : We can't do it man... WE'RE DOOMED! Bret: Oh c'mon now, it's not that bad... oh, who the hell am I kidding? This story sucks, and I'm going to end up banging my head on the floor again! ARGH! Bisch: Come on, let's go... > > %%%%% A deep, dark, depressing funk had overtaken the crew of the Satellite of Nitro. All of them were silent, with only the occasional sigh. Finally, Bret looked around and asked, "Vince is going to slaughter us when he sends us part three, isn't he?" Everyone else nodded in agreement. "You shall all be my subjects!" Everyone blinked in surprise at the unexpected voice and Gigan asked, his voice filled with hope, "Is that who I think it is?" Space Godzilla also looked hopeful as he said, "I think so!" "By the Inferno!" Dinobot snarled, "Who is THAT?!" "It's..." Ghidora exclaimed, "ZIGRA!" At that cue, a grey skinned shark being, with a yellow bird beak and red-and-black cat's eyes, entered as he ranted, "You shall all fall victim to my powers!" Everyone began laughing. "I will rule your planet, after I kill those two children of course, and I shall add your kind to my legion of slaves!" The laughter gained in intensity. "All shall fall before the invincible might of... Zigra!" Bret, Mark and Bisch were rolling on the ground, clutching their sides with mirth. Nash and Gigan were leaning against each other, gales of laughter making them cry tears of joy. Ghidora's heads were thrown back as he howled with amusement. Space Godzilla's breath came in short gasps as he tried to quell the worst of his laughter. Even Dinobot chuckled at the ridiculous creature in front of them. "Oh man..." Gigan said as his laughter began to subside, "Zigra, my man. It's GREAT to see you." Zigra blinked in surprise as he said, "It is no use groveling, for I shall rule over you all!" That brought another wave of laughter from the SoN's crew. Zigra blinked again and said, "Resistance is futile! Your puny attempts to defeat me are hopeless and I will soon rule over you all!" Yet another storm of laughter erupted, and Ghidora, catching his breath, said, "It is truly a joy that you decided to drop in." Zigra shuffled uncomfortably as he said, "I must admit, this was not the welcome I was expecting." "Oh come on, Zigra," Space Godzilla said, "You know that we've always liked you." Zigra looked hopeful as he asked, "Do you really mean that?!" "Of course," Space Godzilla replied, and the others nodded in agreement, "Look at you. You're in great shape for someone who's been burned to a crisp in two movies in a row." The space shark blushed as he said, "I try." Bisch looked him up and down and said, "You know... WCW could use someone like you." He was immediately slapped on the back of the head by Bret and Nash. "Say something about how you're going to dominate us again!" Gigan suggested. Zigra reared up to his full height and bellowed, "Know that the ruler of the universe is Zigra! And woe to you, if you try to oppose me!" Once again, laughter filled the satellite, and this time Zigra joined in. When it subsided, Zigra said, "Well, I must be going." "Awwww..." Dinobot said in a rare moment of emotion, "Do you have to?" "Yeah," Zigra replied with a sigh, "You know how it is. The universe isn't going to conquer itself." "Hey," Bret said, "I just want you to know. If you ever feel like the troubles of galaxy-ravaging are becoming too much for you, you'll always be welcome here." An uncomfortable moment of silence passed between them all. Then, one by one, the crew of the SoN gave Zigra back slapping, "manly" hugs. As the space shark exited, he made one last threat of, "You will learn that any resistance against me is hopeless!" This earned Zigra one final round of laughter and, as soon as he was gone, Mark said, "Ah, Zigra... whatta guy." "Yeah," Bret said, "So, I guess this means we haven't hit rock bottom yet, after all." "Not yet," Space Godzilla replied, "Although we will have to survive chapter three. What do you guys say?" As one, everyone cried, "LET'S KICK MUNIHOUSEN'S ASS!" "Oops," Bisch said, spoiling the moment, "we've got commercial sign." TO BE CONCLUDED...