Mystery Wrestling Kaiju Theater 3000: "The Coming of Munihousen", Part one Original story by the Great Red Serpent MiSTed by: The Flashman Co-MiSTed by: Lynxara Co-MiSTed by: Dinobot SATELLITE OF NITRO Bret Hart sat on the rec room couch, flipping absent-mindedly through the channels. He knew there was nothing he really wanted to see on, but he couldn't think of anything else to do. He was a man who had sddenly found himself profoundly alone. Steve was gone, so he didn't have anyone to argue with about stupid things anymore. Ryan was gone, so he couldn't fight with him over use of the Holocabana. Heck, he couldn't even play video games with Page anymore! And then there was Samantha... He heaved a particularly heavy sigh as he thought about her, largely to help crush down the sharp pain that assaulted his heart whenever he did so. Bret had thought he'd been incredibly lucky to find someone on, of all places, this orbiting hell. But of course, Vince had found some way to turn that against him. Now the Satellite seemed like much more sterile and lonely now that she was gone. He was right back where he started, trapped on the Satellite with nothing but a bunch of *guys* to look at. A pervert, a fairly nice dead guy, and a tolerable executive, to be precise. He finally left the too-lonely rec room and headed into the Satellite to see what everyone else was up to. Eric Bischoff was reading a copy of "The Wall Street Journal", and relaxing for the first time in weeks. His last month or so of existence had been nothing but bad movies, worse fanfics, and people trying to kill him. He was almost happy to be back on *his* Satellite, where he at least knew which horrors to expect. Eric looked up as he saw Bret walk dejectedly into the room. "What's wrong?" Eric asked complacently. "I am so... well, I'm almost *bored*!" Bret replied as he slumped his head on the table. "I'd almost be *happy* to go through a post now! Or to have some more visitors or... well, just *something*!" "Um... are you sure you really mean that?" And on cue, the Satellite's incoming message sirens and buzzers went off. Eric and Bret met Mark and Nash on the main bridge. Nash looked like he had wasted another few hours of his life playing 'Doom II'; Mark had clearly been planning to get in the shower. They all assembled in line before the Viewscreen as it blinked on. "Let's see what Vinnie Vegas wants," Bisch muttered under his breath. "Greetings, Midnight Express!" Vince said with his standard evil grin. "Hi Vince," they droned. "Well, it's that time of week again! That time when I send you another bad net post in my ongoing struggle to destroy your souls!" "Uh-huh," the replied in automatic unison. It was Vince's saddened look that jolted them out of their stupor. "Yes. But sadly, that won't be happening this week. You see, I've already done all I can do. You've withstood Oscar, Warrior, Kefka, Haught, Oracle... there's nothing else I can possibly send you to hurt you now," Vince sighed. "So you're going to let us go?!" Nash exclaimed brightly. "No," Vince replied. "I'm going to kill you." "*Again*?" Bisch asked, slightly irked. "Let me guess, you're going to break out the Deus Ex Machina and try to fry us all out of existence." "And probably end up teleporting the freaking Teletubbies up here," Mark muttered. "Actually, no. I thought it would be more amusing to teleport in some of the tentacle monsters from such anime as 'La Blue Girl' and 'Legend of the Overfiend', and see what they did to you." The SON's inhabitants blanched. "Dammit, Vince, I WORK FOR YOU!!" Mark screamed desperately at him. The others were still frozen speechless in horror. "Excuses, excuses," Vince replied. "Rock? Is the machine ready?" Rocky Maivia dropped his copy of 'Better Homes and Gardens' and bolted out of his seat. "Um... of course, boss man! Ready to go! What are we doing?" Vince didn't pay any attention to the last part. "Is the frequency tuned to Hell?" Rocky looked strangely uncomfortable. "S-sure..." In the Satellite, the wrestlers were making last ditch attempts to save themselves from a fate far worse than death. Bret was on his knees before the Viewscreen. "Vince, in the name of all things sweet and pure... in the name of the Hart Foundation and all those jobs I did to... to *Shawn*..." "And the Kliq!" Nash hastily added. "And the fact you've beaten us in the ratings!" Bisch threw desperately in. "... please don't *do* this!" "Well... this is all I've planned for today, so I don't really have a choice," Vince shrugged. Then he grinned demonically. "Bite down HARD, boys!" With that, Rocky threw the Switch. The Satellite rocked with the force of the energy surge that hit it, and all went dark. Bret pulled himself to his feet and shook his head. The effects of the Doomsday Device were wearing off more quickly this time, and he had to see to any necessary repairs. "Magic Voice," he called out, "Damage Report." "Sahtahlite of Nah-tro ees at fehf-tay pahcent efficiancey," Magic Voice replied in its more than slightly irritating Dusty Rhodes tone. Bret sighed. So much for being able to reprogram that stupid thing. He turned and took a look around the bridge. To his left, he saw Mark Calloway a.k.a. The Undertaker, do his famous miraculous sit-up and get to his feet. Oddly enough, a small red crystal was in his right hand. To his right, he saw his boss (and the head honcho of WCW) Eric Bischoff, scrambling back to his feet, inexplicably holding a blue crystal in his right hand. Taking another look around, Bret noticed that there was a strange, giant ball of white crystals in the corner. However, there was no sign of Kevin Nash. Suddenly, a voice from the crystals shouted, "WOULD SOMEONE *PLEASE* HELP ME UP?!" The wrestlers jumped in surprise, and as the Satellite's filtering system began to clear out the smoke they got a better look at the ball of crystal. In the middle of the ball was a dark blue Godzilla look-a-like, with a giant crystal wedge on each shoulder and a yellow crest on its forehead. Mark and Bret rolled the ball of crystal until the creature could put his feet on the ground and, with a thought, the creature banished the large mass of crystals on his back from sight. "Thanks," the monster said amicably. "Who..." Bischoff asked. "Name's Space Godzilla," the Kaiju replied, "and could you please hand over my friends to me?" "Friends?" Mark asked. "The crystals in your hands. Just place them on the ground and stand back." Mark and Eric did as asked and after a short pause, the crystals began to glow. The red one burst into thirteen foot tall flames, and the flames then took the shape of a three-headed dragon. The fire then became golden scales and King Ghidora yawned as he awoke. The blue one exploded, but the explosion promptly imploded into the shape of a humanoid figure, with a blue body and golden scales on it's belly, along with a single red, visor eye on its head and many sharp blades covering its body. Gigan also yawned as he awoke. As the wrestlers stared at their unusual guests, Space Godzilla indicated behind him and said, "Oh, by the way, I accidently ran over your buddy when I was brought here." Mark, who was the only one tall enough to accomplish the task, looked over the space monster's shoulder and noticed Nash laying against the wall, a dazed look on his face. A short pause ensued as the two groups tried to figure out what to do next... but that ended when a voice roared, "WHERE THE SLAG AM I?!" Gigan muttered, "Now THERE'S an ice breaker..." as the group turned to face the latest addition. Barreling into the room, a sword in his right hand, was a blue and tan colored robot. On it's chest was the face of a raptor and it's red eyes narrowed in rage as it snarled, "I know not how I have come to be here. But I shall see to it that I, Dinobot, am returned to where I belong!" "Don't blame us," Bisch said as he raised his hands in the universal hey-don't-kill-me gesture. "Blame Vince." "Who?" The kaiju and Dinobot chorused. The wrestlers quickly went into an explanation of their situation. "Then why are *you* here?" Ghidora asked Mark curiously. "I have no idea," he replied. "Aw man," Gigan groaned, "we're teleported off one satellite and end up on another." "Agreed," Dinobot added with a snarl, "this is most distasteful." "Look at the bright side guys," Space Godzilla whispered to the other kaiju, "We don't have to read 'Coming of Munihousen' anymore." Ghidora and Gigan smirked as the three-headed monster said, "You're right! No more Munihousen!" The others were mystified as the three kaiju began to dance around, singing, "NO MORE MUNIHOUSEN! NO MORE MUNIHOUSEN! NO MORE MUNIHOUSEN!" TITAN 13 Unfortunately, none on the satellite knew of the fact that communications between the SON and Titan 13 were still open. Vince, who was electronically overhearing the whole conversation, suddenly grinned. He asked over his shoulder, "Rock, do we have this... 'Coming of Munihousen'?" The Rock's classic cheesy grin was replaced by his classic wide eyed gawk. His Intercontinental Belt slipped out of his hands and fell to the floor as he replied, "Yeah... but The Rock remembers that it's in 'The Hole'." Vince smirked as he said, "Get it." Rocky's eyes went even wider (a feat many thought impossible) as he said, "Are you sure you wanna do that, Boss Man? I mean... it's not like they've been particularly disrespectful lately." "Get it." "But..." "Get it... or do you wish to join them?" "Aww man..." Rocky groaned as he picked up his title belt and moved deeper into the bowels of Titan 13. He came to a large hole in the ground that was so deep and dark, it seemed to have no bottom. Rocky stood at the edge and flexed his knees several times. He made one last internal debate: do this, or spend the rest of his life reading who knew what. He jumped in. For a long minute, there was nothing but silence. Then, the sound of The Rock screaming in horror echoed from somewhere in the depths of The Hole. Shortly thereafter, Rocky, covered in some kind of blue slime, scrambled out of The Hole with the fanfic (which was also covered in the slime) in hand... and several hundred tentacles chasing him. Rocky used his belt to bash the majority of them back and when one of them fell to the ground, he delivered The Peoples' Elbow to it. After the elbow-drop, a yipe of pain came from The Hole and the tentacles drew back in. Vince turned to look at the soiled papers that The Rock held up for him. "Mission acomplished," Rocky said, exausted, "and please don't ask what this stuff is. All The Rock'll say is, The Rock needs a shower." Putting on thick rubber gloves, Vince gingerly took the fanfic and placed it in the umbiliport. SATELLITE OF NITRO As the groups began to mingle (and Gigan and Nash began to argue over the merits of Venus 5) the fic alarms began to go off. "WHAT?!" Dinobot snarled. "Didn't Vince say that he ran *out* of fics?" Mark asked nervously. "Already?" Bret complained. "He didn't even tell us what it is!" "I've got a bad feeling about this..." Bisch thought. "We're gonna find out," Space Godzilla said. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [All enter theater and take there seats, r-to-l: Space Godzilla, Nash, Bisch, Ghidora, Bret, Mark, Gigan and Dinobot.] > THE COMING OF MUNIHAUSEN -- PART ONE Bisch: And we're going to see a lot of Munihausen coming, aren't we? Nash: Probably. Kaiju: ..... Ghidora: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Gigan:(Sobbing) I thought we escaped this! It's not fair, it's not faiiiir!!! Space Godzilla: Come on guys, hang in there. We can do this. Just keep your cool and remember what we agreed to. If we get to something really bad, we'll close our eyes. Gigan: But one of us, how we decide we'll work on when we get there, will have to keep their eyes open, to tell us when it's over and say one riff so they keep their sanity. All: Deal! > (A Sailor Moon/Urotsukidouji crossover) Mark: Are you sure you can handle this, Bret? Bret: After Kefka, I can handle *anything*. Dinobot: After the Sailor Moon/Daria crossover, nothing can harm my sanity! Space Godzilla:[Shrugs} We've survived Dark Starr. How bad could this be? > By the Great Red Serpent > > > "Yes, Great Caesar, it shall be done," the black-robed > man said to his wheelchair-bound "superior" as he left the > room. Bisch: Caesar Charles Xavier. > Now left alone, Faust said to himself, "So, all that is > left is to find the Evil King. My spies tell me that he is the > big makemono that terrorizes the lower world. Excellent that > I know this, Dinobot : Since I know good looking women are like a magnet to him! Nash: Finish your training you will! >but now to find the best way to capture him." Dinobot: Ah... surrounding him would work. Mark: Exactly how do you surround a demon from Hell? > All of a sudden a new, uncharacteristic thought (for > Faust) entered his mind. "But wait. What would happen if > events ran their natural course, and Nagumo and the Evil King > were to meet and face each other without my intervention? > Perhaps my new ball will show me." Mark : Let's see... 'Answer cloudy, please try again.' > Holding his right hand flat, palm-upward, at about chest- > level, he stared into the ball newly implanted in his cyber- > netic palm. Bret: Cybernetic *palm*? What, is the rest of this guy's hand normal? Did he lose his palm in a tragic petting accident? Gigan: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. > "So that's what would happen. If the Overfiend and the > Evil King were to meet, they would renew this barren world > while destroying each other in the process. Dinobot : But where's the fun in that? Ghidora: Oh, it's basically what would happen to the wrestling industry if you and that Vince guy ever had a fight to the finish. Bisch: Yeah... HEY!! >Then, the whole world will fall asleep..." Dinobot : But if I make a *huge* alarm clock... Nash : Unholy demons from hell will make them sleep! > he thought to himself as the ball > glowed and showed him images of the future. > "...much later, the world will re-awaken due to a stone > known as the ginzuishou, and the person who holds that shall > be ruler of the world." Bret: That's actually a really good way to cross over the two stories' premises. Mark: WHAT? Are you feeling well? > Faust reflected on all this as the ball showed him the > face of the person who held the ginzuishou. "Her... it can't Dinobot : ... be my first ex-wife.... Space Godzilla: How many times have we heard THAT line. > be. I thought Takeaki had killed her when... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Bisch : Sorry, I just remembered this great line from 'Seinfeld'! > Father, our family have been foolish to try destroying the > Overfiend directly, when all we must do is take a rock away > from this little girl!" Dinobot: Chibi-Usa has it? Bret: In an existential sense, yes. > Satisfied that he knew all he needed to know for the > time, he shut the ball off. He had also found out when and > how she got the crystal and was now thinking of how to get > it from her. He remembered what his father's diary had said > about the procedure to obtain the green ball he had just > acquired, Nash: You put a quarter into one of those machines they have outside department stores. Big deal. > that it was called a Loc-Nar, and it had power over > all the Makai, especially one named Ulotec. Mark: He also remembered what his father's diary said about the Great Bedpan Ungbar, the Mighty Plunger Lothar, the Dark Ball Peen Hammer Imhotep, and Spackle of the Gods. Space Godzilla: Unfortunatly, he also learned that it only worked with GOD-sized batteries. > He set out to > make the necessary arrangements. Dinobot : I must call Nav! > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan: FLAT LINE! FLAT LINE! THIRTY CCS OF TRITHITHOLINE! STAT! > > Still in Tokyo, but about 27 years earlier, a lone girl > sat crying on a bench next to a pier. "Why? Why doesn't he > love me? What did I do?" Dinobot: Air Razor? Nash : Is it that I'm a whiny stupid airhead bimbo? Bret: HEY!! Space Godzilla [Energy crackling around him]: I don't like you... > She sobbed for a few more minutes, and continued talking > to herself, "...her ...ever since that day she showed up on > this pier... oh that little spore!" Dinobot: He must be a fun guy. Bisch: No, I think the insult you're looking for is 'whore'. It has an 'h' sound, like 'horse.' Dinobot: Or 'horrible'. > Lost in her own little world as she was, Usagi did not > notice Mamoru standing fifty feet behind her, kicking himself > over what he had done. But someone else _did_ notice. Dinobot: Several humans and aliens forced to read crappy fanfics. Ghidora: All alone in the night. > From the branches of a high tree Mamoru was being > watched. The creature watching him, in appearance, looked > more like a human woman, with short, light aqua hair, fair > skin, perfect, round, ripe, supple breasts, luscious legs, > and that cute little ass you'd just love to pinch. Nash: After the way you've described her, yeah! Others: ..... Space Godzilla: We'll take your word for it. Ghidora: *Humans.* > "I get Dinobot : ... asked out a lot. > a strange feeling from him," she thought to herself, "maybe > he's the Chou-jin we've been looking for." > Stealthily the strange woman flew around to a group of > bushes right behind Mamoru and hid there; the fact that Mamoru > was as lost in himself as Usagi only served to make things > easier for the man-beast. Gigan: Don't ya mean "woman-beast"? Mark: Chyna? Where? > She waited there for a few minutes as she observed his > actions, and even though the feeling she got became stronger > as she had gotten closer to him, she couldn't get over the > fact that all he did was stand there and stare at that girl. Dinobot : A quick look at me should stop that. Bret : It's like he's in *love* or something! God! > She began to say to herself, "Maybe I should try cheering him > up. Even if I'm not sure he's Chou-jin, he still cute!" Dinobot : Then I can kill like a black widow! > With that she darted out from the bushes and tackled > Mamoru, throwing him to the ground and almost knocking him > senseless. Almost, that is, until he felt her fingers dancing > around on his groin. Dinobot : What the slag? Bisch: They were doing the Tango! Nash: Macarena! Space Godzilla: Waltz! Ghidora: Lambada! Gigan: Fox Trot! Mark: Electric Slide! Bret: The Twist! > "Oooh, Baby, I'm so hot! Take me right > here and now with that big dick of yours!" she whispered in his > ear. Dinobot : Who said that? Nash: Hold on! Big Sexy's comin! Bisch: NO HE'S NOT! Nash: A guy can dream, right? > "What!" Mamoru exclaimed. "You're a nutcase! Get off > me!" > "Getting off is just what I had in mind, especially on > that big Chou-jin dick of yours!" With that she pulled his > now fully-erect (and amazingly small) penis out of his fly and [Everybody snickers.] Mark: Now we know who someone's least favorite Sailor Moon character is... Gigan: Now I know why he uses *long-stemmed* roses. Ghidora: Not to mention that cane. Biggest Overcompansation Complex we've ever seen. Bret: Ha! You forgot about Vince's Doomsday Machine! Ghidora: We DID until *someone* reminded us. Bret: Ah... never mind... > began sucking. ALL: JUST LIKE THE FANFIC! > "Chou-jin? What the hell have you..." he dropped off > as he began to notice how good it felt. After a minute, he > regained his ability to think clearly. Dinobot : As much as I enjoyed that... I have a daughter from the future and you have nothing to do with it. > "No." He said to her. "I can't do this. The woman I > love is over there and.." > She just kept right on sucking, stroking her tongue all > over his shaft Nash: Why yes, Rob Liefeld's Shaft *does* suck! Mark: But *John* Shaft is the MAN... > and messaging his balls with one hand. As he > was so incredibly small-built, his entire penis fit into her > mouth, and so she had a free hand. She used this hand to grab > his, and led it to her tits. Dinobot: Interesting... I don't care to see human reproduction... but Crow would *love* this... > Mamoru protested at first, since he didn't exactly go for > the pushy type, but then he started getting into it. Bret : Having sex with strangers off the street who are ridden with God-knows-what diseases is fun! Dinobot: Explains why Black Arachnia is so popular. > He took > both hands and started fondling her tits softly, caressing her > nipples at first, then kneading them later. Bisch: And making them into biscuits after that. Nash: Hey, I'd pop one in my mou... [Nash is cut off as Mark fires a lightning bolt at him] > As he noticed her > getting aroused by this, he told her to turn around and keep > doing what she was doing. For a jujin, this turned out to > be no problem. Mark: Umm... that wouldn't be a problem for an ordinary human, either. > Her firm, round, sex-starved ass was right > up in front of his face, and so he proceeded to lick the ass- > hole clean. Dinobot: That's disgusting! Space Godzilla: That's our cue. Ghidora: Okay. Everyone with their own theme music can close their eyes. Gigan: CRAP! (Everyone except Gigan [and Nash, for some reason] covers or closes their eyes.) Gigan: Okay... my riff... M E O S! Okay guys, the really bad part's over. (Everyone opens their eyes.) Gigan: That... wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. > Right as Mamoru was about to come, the blow job came to > a dead stop. Mamoru could do nothing but stop and stare in dis- > belief, but the mysterious stranger was nowhere near finished > yet. She turned around and started licking his balls, then > kissing every part of his body, even his clothes (which were > still on), Dinobot: Shouldn't Usagi hear this? Bret : Oh, God, how I love you, blue button-up shirt! > until she reached his mouth. After a long, pas- > sionate French kiss, she moved her lips over to his ear and > whispered, "Fuck me. Show me what that massive dick of yours > can do!" Dinobot : I have spoken! Now insert your rigid grill structure! Nash: Well, it can sit up and beg, but it still hasn't mastered rolling over. > Before Mamoru could react, the woman just grabbed his > still-erect dick and sat on it like a chair. Dinobot: Like I said, Crow would *love* this... Bisch: Unfortunately, she forgot to take off her underwear first. She had the damndest time explaining what happened to the emergency room personnel... > She moved up and > down on it, reaching her right hand back to play with his balls > and fondling her clit with her left. As creatures from the > Jujinkai are ambidextrous, this proved to be a pleasurable > ride for both of them. Dinobot: Take the ride! Kaiju: RIDE... THE MACHINE! GO GO GO! RIDE! GO GO! THE MACHINE! Wrestlers : Life is a highway... I'll be ridin' all night long... > By this time, about half an hour later, Usagi was just > now coming out of her own little world and was slowly returning > to reality. As expected, though, the sounds of good nookie All: "NOOKIE"?! Mark: A story like this is calling hardcore fucking 'nookie'? Bisch [shocked]: Are we allowed to use the f-word? Mark: I am. I'm part of an 'adult-oriented' product. Ghidora: Wasn't that the name of a doctor who lived on Nontoonite Island? > served only to accelerate her transition. But when she looked > around, she saw something that she wished she hadn't. Dinobot : In the name of the Moon... what the slag?! Ghidora: Both The Spice Girls and New Kids On The Block had reunited and decided to go on a world tour together? > She saw Mamoru fifty feet away, shamelessly making it > with a woman who looked much, much better than Usagi ever did. Space Godzilla/Bret:[Looking at Nash and Gigan]: Don't even THINK about it. > Without thinking, Usagi just went over there and screamed, > "Mamo-chan how could you!?" Dinobot : We're going to have a paradox!!!! Nash: 'How could you?' That's it? I wanted to see a good catfight! > He wanted to cry, but instead was able to put up a hard > facade, "It's none of your business what I do or who I have > sex with. And since when do I have to report to you?" Dinobot : Since Chibi-Usa showed up. Bret: Well, this makes about as much sense as his mood swings in the show... > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Ghidora: Do you want to see more crappy fics like this one? Space Godzilla: If not, sign this petition. Gigan: Please get as many of your friends to sign it as well. Our sanity depends upon it. > > Back in the 2020's, Faust had actually managed to find > a lake and had no trouble in kidnaping a girl suitable for > the sacrifice. He was already halfway through the first > part of his conjuration. Dinobot: It was Sailor Moon: Fantasy.. > "...BAGLE? MOOOAH OL CORDZIZ. L CAPIMAO IXOMAXIP... > ...MADRIIAX TORZU: OADRIAX OROCHA ABOAPRI.... > ...OD OZAZMA PLAPLI IADNAMAD. Space Godzilla: EEP ORK AH AH! Ghidora: DRIZZLE DRAZZLE DROZZLE DRONE! Gigan: OH EEE OH AH AH! TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG! Dinobot: BAH WEEP GRAA NAH WHEEP NI NI BONG! > By the power of the glowing Loc-Nar placed in my hand, > I, Faust Munihausen, command you, Ulotec, to come forth from > this body of water and serve me. Ulotec, I bring unto you a > sacrifice, and I demand that you come forth!" Bisch : Ummm... please? Dinobot : No! Go ask Unicron! > He opened his robe and from it was flung a beautiful > young girl (imagine something like Euphora from Urotsukidouji > IV, episode 2, after she was exposed by Amano). Mark : ... because I'm too lazy to describe her! > As she "flew" > toward the lake, a green glob with no form grabbed her and Gigan: Man, I knew Hedora was desperate for work, but this... > guided her in. The glob began taking form, mostly the form > of many putrid-green tentacles with tips that looked like Dinobot: ... Virgin Warrior Sailor Moon... > penis-heads. Nash: YES! It's tentacle time! Bret: You're a sick, sick man. Mark: Is that at all like 'Vader Time?' Bisch: Ewww! I hope not! [Ghidora turns green.] > That was all the form the glob took for the time > being, as it was all that it needed to proceed with fucking > its sacrifice. Three of the penes (correct plural of "penis") Ghidora: [Now greener] That was more then we ever cared to know... Gigan: This time, all wrestlers, the Maximal and whichever Kaiju has appeared in the most amount of movies can close their eyes. Space Godzilla: CRAP! (Short pause as everyone else [except Nash] closes their eyes.) Space Godzilla : Does anyone love hot dogs as much as I do? Okay, all clear. [Everyone opens their eyes.] > Ulotec took the form of a winged creature with dark, > putrid green skin, red eyes, four legs and six arms, and 100 > dicks. Dinobot: AHHHHHHH! Bret: I think Ulotec is trying to compensate for his innate lack of confidence. > He glared at Faust with a cold, dagger-like stare. > "Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?" Gigan : And why the fuck did you fucking wake me fucking up you fucking damn fucker? Bisch: Oh, my virgin ears... > "My name is Munihausen. I seek the holder of a stone > known as the ginzuishou." > "Ginzuishou? What the fuck is that? No. I won't > help you." Dinobot : Go ask Unicron! Gigan : So fuck off, you fucking fuck face. Bisch: If I hear anyone who works for *me* talking like that, there's gonna be more jobs to Scott Norton than your puny minds can conceive of! Gigan: Oh, fuck you. Bisch: Well a big hearty fuck you for you too! Gigan [Grins]: NOW you're getting into it! > Faust held his palm outward and upward toward the beast. > The Loc-Nar emanated a glowing green light which tortured the > creature. No physical damage was inflicted, but the mental > anguish visited upon Ulotec was unbearable. "All right! All Space Godzilla: He was forced to see clips of Minya acting cute? Nash: No, he beamed a Hogan match into his brain! Dinobot: No, he forced him to read the complete works of Oscar! > right already!" Ulotec managed to voice his concession. "I'll > help you! What do you want me to do?" Gigan: Shouldn't that be "What the fuck do you want me to fucking do?" Space Godzilla: WOULD YOU STOP WITH THAT FUCKING JOKE?! Gigan:[Backs away] Alright already, sheesh! > Faust laughed and thought to himself, "Father, the Loc-Nar > is more powerful than I had ever imagined. When you first used > it, it destroyed the Fatherland. Now I am beginning to under- > stand why." Mark : You were a clueless moron, father! Ghidora : And you forgot to read the fine print which read, "Use in Fatherland, all die." Even had it underlined. > He turned to the demon and said, "In my father's diary it > is written, that in Ulotec is one of the greatest powers of the Dinobot : ...anime multiverse. > Demon world. Bret : See, it's right here, next to this great Chili con Carne recipe he left. Dinobot : And the matrix... Space Godzilla : And the formula for something called "The Oxygen Destroyer". > You will use your powers to find she who is the > posessor of the ginzuishou." Bisch: Just go to Hitoshi Doi's webpage. > "You already know she is dead. At least to the human > world for now anyway. Where she is now, we cannot touch her, > but where she was, we can access." The demon focused its > attention on a point just next to Faust and concentrated on > that point. Nash: Ooh, it's using its redundancy powers! > There a gateway of glowing light opened up, just > big enough for a human to step through. Ulotec continued, > "This gate will take you to this exact same site upon which > you are standing, but in the year 1993. There is a tunnel you > must walk through to get there, and it is defended by a single > guardian..." Dinobot : Primus, lord of the light gods. > "Setuna of the human world." Bisch: Setuna, the Starkist Senshi! > Faust interrupted. "I > know of her. She should serve to be no problem. But, if the > ginzuishou is not where you say, I shall return to destroy you." > Faust walked into the gate, and it closed after his > entry. Gigan: Did it hit him in the rear? PLEASE tell us it hit him in the rear! > In the tunnel he looked about him. It was the tunnel of > time about which he had heard so little. Nash: And no wonder! The place was *really* boring! > With this he could > prevent his father's death, Takeaki's failure to kill Nagumo, > and all sorts of other mistakes he had committed along the > way to world domination. Bret : I could go to *Woodstock*! > But it occurred to his calculating > mind that if he had erased those mistakes, he would find him- > self in a set of curcumstances such that he would not have > learned that ruling the three worlds was as simple as stealing > the ginzuishou from an airheaded little girl, and he may have > fucked himself up even worse in the process. Mark: That run-on sentence is making me miss Kefka. *sniff* Space Godzilla: And Dj. [Sighs] > Minutes later, his mind was forcefully brought back to > reality by the sound of a whisper somewhere behind him. > "Dead Scream!" Dinobot: Shouldn't that be "Starscream'? > Before he had the chance to turn around to see the > source of the sound, he was struck full in the back by a > powerful burst of energy. He did not scream out from the > pain, but let out an "Uh!" Bisch: Man, Faust can't sell a move very well. Mark: Yes, just like a certain bleached-blonde friend of yours! Bisch: HEY! > as he was knocked a full six feet > into the wall of the tunnel, creating a hole which was rough- > ly man-shaped (you've all watched cartoons, so use your ima- > gination). Ghidora: Use our imaginations? Sure, how about if we imagine that we're currently choking you to death?! Bret: So the time tunnel is really kooky? > He managed to pull himself out of the wall and turned > around to see himself confronted by a human woman with long, > green-black hair, carrying a long key and wearing a black and > white fuku. It wasn't her beauty that caught his attention, Nash: But it sure caught MINE. That girl is too SWEEEEEEEEET! Dinobot: Whatever. > but rather her ridiculous speech: "The tunnel of Time is not > to be exploited for selfish gain. I am Sailor Pluto, the > soldier of eternity. And on behalf of Pluto, I'll punish > you!" Bisch : So there! Dinobot: In the name of good taste, I'm going to hurt the writer of this fanfic. > Casually, quite nonchalantly, and with the attitude of > a god speaking to an amoeba, Mark: Ah, so you mean 'condescendingly'? > replied calmly, "So you are > Setsuna Meiou of the Silver Millenium. You are of no conse- > quence to me, but you are still in my way." With that he lif- > ted up his hand and was about to face his palm toward her. Dinobot: The cybernetic one? > Setsuna sensed the coming attack, and so attempted to > keep the initiative. She let out another Dead Scream, but > this time, the attack was dissipated by a black energy barrier > that glowed around Faust when Pluto's devasting force hit it. Ghidora: We have some questions. First, is not the Time Tunnel the source of Pluto's powers? Bret: Yeah. Ghidora: Second, is she not much more powerful while in the Time Stream? Bret: Yeah. Ghidora: Then, we ask... WHY IS THIS FAUST OVERCOMING HER SO EASILY?! Bret: Because this is a "Tentacle Hentai" fic, where any male, even an insignificant 90lb. weakling, is stronger than a female, even when said female is a master of many types of combat. Ghidora: Oh. > The futility of her attack caused Faust to let out an evil > laugh. "I told you, Setsuna Meiou, that you are insignificant. > Now I invite you to experience my power." Dinobot : No! Nash : I'd appreciate it if you'd RSVP. > She was shocked, but quickly got over her surprise and > decided to attack him physically by using her key as a staff. Bisch: Of course! Brilliant! If you can't beat him with your ungodly- powerful energy blast, THEN JUST HIT HIM WITH A BIG STICK! > She was too late. By the time she got close enough to > swing at him, he had his right hand raised with the Loc-Nar > pointed towards her. The ball pulsated and she was hit by a > bright green fireball that knocked her into the wall of the > tunnel. Faust continued his attack. "ZIM OLPAGED!" Mark: OOGA - BOOGA! > At this command three demons emerged from the walls. > Each one had many heads and claws, and bodies of scarlet flames > emanating gray smoke. Their teeth were made out of steel and > their claws out of sharp flint. Space Godzilla [Snorts]: Wimps. Anyway, this time, whoever has been on a television show or has appeared in the least amount of movies can close their eyes. Ghidora: CRAP! [This time, even Nash covers his eyes] [Pause....] [Longer pause...] [Even longer pause...] Gigan:[Eye still covered] Psst. Is it over yet? Ghidora: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! (His central head and neck shoot off from his body in a bloody fountain.) Gigan: Not again... (The head and neck come down and land on Bret.) Bret: AAAH!! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! > "SMALL LADY!!!!!!!!" > The combination of being eaten alive, molested, and > ripped open proved to be too much for her, Nash: Wimp. Dinobot: Reminds me of what Waspinator goes through... > but she was able > to manage one final scream before she passed away. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Bisch: WHAT? Sailor Pluto's dead? That's it? Can he *do* that? Mark: I'm sure we'll see much worse before the story is over. [Space Godzilla uses the bio pack to fix Ghidora again.] Gigan: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... Bret: What are you doing? Gigan: Imitating a heart monitor. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. > > Usagi was in the process of sneaking back in the house > and was right outside her room when she heard Chibi-Usa > tossing and turning, as if she was in the middle of a night- > mare. Nash : Hmmm. I wonder if she's having a nightmare... > All of a sudden, as soon as Usagi made it into the > door of her room, Chibi-Usa sprang up to a sitting position, > still half asleep, yelling, "Pu! Pu! PUUUUUUUUU!!!!" All: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SHE'S TURNING INTO MOKONA! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! > "Chibi-Usa chan! Wake up!" Usagi shook Chibi-Usa, > simultaneously trying to wake her up and comfort her. > Chibi-Usa started crying. "Pu. He killed Pu and now > he's on his way here." Dinobot : That's just Prime! > "Who's Pu? It's only a dream, Chibi-Usa chan. Calm > down." Bret: Isn't there supposed to be a dash between "Chibi-Usa" and "chan"? Bisch: Don't you think you're obsessing a little? Bret: Well, I need *something* to do... Space Godzilla: Dash it all! > "I'm sorry, Usagi, but it just seemed so real." > "It's okay. We'll always be here to protect you. > Now lets get some sleep." Usagi was happy that she had > managed to diffuse this situation without waking up Luna, > Shingo or her parents. > Chibi-Usa went back to sleep, somewhat reluctantly and Dinobot: ... dreamt of killing Nav. Gigan: ... had a disturbing dream about her birthday. > very uneasily, while Usagi, still rattled by her encounter > with Mamoru (and the big fight that followed), Mark: You call *that* a fight? Now, Hell in the Cell, *that's* a fight. Dinobot: When I fought all the Predacons... there was a true fight! Ghidora: Us battling all of Earths Kaiju, THAT was a fight the universe will not soon forget. Space Godzilla: ESPECIALLY since Minya landed the final blow. Ghidora: Oh, shut up. > sat up and cried > for three hours before finally falling into sleep's dark > embrace. > But, needless to say, Cibi-Usa's nightmare had shown her > all of Pluto's harrowing encounter. Nash: Yeah, getting killed's always pretty harrowing. Ghidora: You know what we like about this fic? It's decency towards children! > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan: The dashes for the suffixes are all on strike! > > At that selfsame moment, about one o'clock in the mor- > ning, there was a lone figure stirring at the Hikawa Shrine. > Unable to sleep, Rei figured that masturbating would relax > her. She kept a cucumber in the freezer at all times for > this purpose, hidden from her grandfather's view. Bisch : I... I... that's... Bret: Damn, but I love the Serpent's subtle characterization! Space Godzilla: I'm starting to miss Umino... Mark: I'd hate to think what that cucumber looks like by now... Nash: I just hope Grandpa never tries to make salad. [Ghidora shudders.] > She grabbed > the cucumber and stealthily headed back to her room, so as not > to wake up grandpa or Yuuichiro. She sat up on her bed and > disrobed quickly. The cold vegetable felt good in her hand, > and was already turning her on more then she already was. Bisch: No... no... this is evil... Rei isn't like that at all! And nobody is turned on by COLD VEGETABLES!! Bret: Calm down. Trust me, you'll only hurt yourself. Dinobot: Or I'll hurt you. Kaiju: Us too! > She stood up off the bed and walked over to the full > legnth mirror across the room. She loved looking at herself > naked, especially when she was either jacking off or fucking. Mark: So I gather Raye is the 'home video' type. Gigan : Cucumber... I just met a vegetable named cucumber... > She took the cucumber, still cold, and placed it on her ster- > num, right between her firm, luscious tits. From there she > slowly moved it to the right, gently spiraling around her > rock-hard nipple. Nash: Unfortunately, the cold cucumber froze to it and ripped it off. > When she at last brought it to her nipple, > the neurons sent a flash of pleasure up to her brain. Space Godzilla: ... while the protons and electrons tried to keep it from spreading to the rest of her body. > Fighting hard to hold back a loud moan, she used her free > hand to start massaging her other breast, and used the hand > with the cucumber in it to slowly work the cucumber from > her breast to her pussy. Bisch: No, it's Usagi and Minako who have the cats. Bret: Ummm... I don't think that's what the author *meant*. Ghidora:[Shaking his heads] We don't want to know... we don't want to know... > As the frozen shaft slowly drew a > squiggly line downward from her ripe, supple mammary glands, > pleasure waves were sent up to her brain at every inch. Mark: I'd just like to point out that 'mammary glands' are small milk- producing organs inside the breast, not the breast itself. Thank you. > So > by the time the cucumber made contact with her swollen red > clit, the sensations were unbearable and she could no longer > hold back the moan she was fighting. She let it out loud, > and was thankful when it seemed that nobody had woken up. Nash: Man, if she does that for a cucumber, then her head would explode if I... Bisch: SHUT UP!! Space Godzilla: [Sparking again] Or I'll MAKE you. > Well, nobody had woken up, but then, there was also > the houseguest that had never fallen asleep. There was a > small hole in the door of her room, and from the other side Gigan: If this is a variation of the old, "tommorow's your turn inside the barrel" joke, I say we trash the theater. All: YEAH! > she was being watched by a Lakota man with dark hair, brown > eyes, a hook nose and light olive skin. He was an exchange > student from America who had been staying at the temple for > awhile, and ever since his first day there, he got horny every > time he saw her, but wasn't yet sure whether the other guy there > stood to be any competition. Mark: He's American? That can only mean... All: SELF-INSERTION SEX SCENE! AAAAHHH! Bret: See, we Canadians are above all that. Go on, name one Canadian self- insertion! Just one! I dare you! [Mark immediately shoots a lightning bolt at Bret] Mark: None of that pretentious Canadian crap. It was a dumb plotline to begin with. Space Godzilla: Besides, doesn't the title "God of Moments" mean anything to you? Dinobot: If Crow was here he would *love* it! I CERTAINLY DON'T! > But now he knew that Yuuichiro > meant nothing to her, otherwise she would've gone to his room > and fucked his brains out instead of masturbating on her own. Dinobot: Yes, that would have been *so* nice. > And to sweeten the pot even more, she was only calling out > one name. "Jason... Jason..." Dinobot: The undead murderer? Ghidora : Go, go, power RANGER! > That was his name. Nash: Of *course* it is, fanboy. > If she hadn't called this out, then > he'd have only just been aroused (heavily), but now he was on > the verge of jacking off himself. But instead, he did the one > thing most foreign from his nature; he burst into the door, > dick in hand, and let her know. "Bitch, prepare to get > FUCKED!" Bisch : Bastard, prepare to be FRIED!! FIRE SOUL!! > Her eyes opened wide when she saw his reflection in > the mirror. "Hoshii?" Space Godzilla : No, my name is Jason! > "Damn right. Now get on your knees and prepare for > communion with the Great Red Serpent. Pray now that you will > be worthy to receive His sacred blessings." Space Godzilla: Uh oh... Gigan: Look out... Ghidora: Hit the deck! All: SELF INSERTATION LEMON SCENE! Space Godzilla: HOLD IT! There is NO way we are watching THIS scene again! Once in the Readme was enough. Nash:[As the Kaiju and Dinobot close their eyes] Oh, we'll tell you when it's over, you big babies. Bret: What do you mean 'we'? I'm not watching this jerk defile Rei for the sake of his little ego trip! Bisch: Yeah! Mark: Preach on! [Other wrestlers cover their eyes] Nash: Wusses. (REALLY long pause.) Space Godzilla: Well? Nash: I'll tell ya. (Really REALLY long pause.) Space Godzilla: Now? Nash: Not yet. (An EXTREMLY REALLY long pause.) Space Godzilla: NOW? Nash: Almost... Ghidora:[Snorts] It figures the lemon with the author is the longest. Nash: Okay, all clear. > About four hours after this whole ordeal had begun, with > him still inside her, they both fell asleep. Dinobot: There is no way they can explain that in the morning... Kaiju: FOUR HOURS?! Space Godzilla: This guy must be related to Crystal Knight. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Dinobot: Use this sword to kill the author. > It was the first beaking of daylight. By a lake, a > black-robed man carrying a long staff resembling a key had > just materialized into the year 1993. Bret: Suddenly, an angry Canadian wearing black and pink ran in and beat said man viciously with said staff for crimes against plausibility. Dinobot: Then a tan raptor ate him. Gigan: After a giant, blue and gold blade-covered cyborg stepped on him. > This was the exact > same place he had left 27 years in the future, and Faust > was pissed about not seeing Usagi or the ginzuishou here, > but happy about having acquired a new toy. Bisch : Now, all I need to do is get Snake Mountain and Castle Greyskull, and then I'll have all of Eternia! > After a little bit of experimentation, he figured out > how to use Setsuna's time-travel key, and realized the Dinobot: ... time key only works twice, like the matrix. > power he could attain through its use. He was tired, how- > ever, and decided to rest at the deserted house right next > to the lake. Space Godzilla: HOLD IT! Isn't the Orb that powers the Time Rod connected to Setsuna and can only work for her? Bret: Yeah, but it seems The Great Red Serpent likes overlooking stuff like that. > The house looked deserted for about a year, which is > quite unusual for any large estate. Mark: Of course, this one was located in beautiful downtown Amityville... > Its crumbled foundation > was still extant in the 2020's but Munihausen had no idea > that it could ever have been this impressive. In the front > room he found a table which had many papers on it, some in > Japanese, but most of them in a script used only amongst > the Majinkai. Dinobot: I wonder if Oscar is Majinkai? [The others consider this.] Others: NAH! Ghidora: The Majinkai are more tasteful. > The Majinkai are a group of evil humans who live be- > neath the surface of the earth, at the place where the > boundaries of the Makai and the Ninjinkai meet. Nash: ... the land of Dairy Queen! > There are > no holidays in that evil society of theirs, and they will not > set foot in the Ninjinkai unless they are manipulating its > inhabitants towards some twisted or selfish end. Mark: Actually, it's been proven that all organized human societies have holidays. Thank you. > This caused > Faust to become curious as to what kind of Majin would live > in a house in the human world, and so he started translating > the manuscripts to see if they would give him a clue. Bret : Let's see... "Four score and seven years ago..." > After reading the first two pages on the table, he > had ascertained that the person living here was a Majin > nobleman, who had been sent to the human world to gather > human energy and also to find a crystal. Nash: He also found that the nobleman was a hackneyed, ill-written villain from a crappy kid's show. Bisch: Sailor Moon villains *are* about as competent as Gargamel. > On the third page > he found that that crystal was called the ginzuishou, and > that every time he attempted to get either, he would be > stopped by a heroine named Sailor Moon. All : Gee, we wonder who it is. > "And it is she who holds the crystal now," Faust > thought to himself. "At first I was mad at Ulotec for not > bringing me directly to the ginzuishou when I materialized > here. But now I understand. The man who occupied this house, > he has information which might be of more use to me than just > getting the crystal by itself." Bisch: Like what? How to get your butt kicked by a 14-year-old? Space Godzilla: I speak from experience, she doesn't HIT like a 14-year- old. My stomach is STILL in knots. > But, tired as he was, he decided to check it all out > after he got some sleep. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Space Godzilla: [As Bisch makes helicopter noises] As you can see, the gridlock is due to some literary accident called 'Coming of Munihousen'. This is your Eye in the Sky and we'll keep you updated. > > At the Tsukino household, it was ten o'clock in the > morning, but it was a Saturday, so Usagi could sleep late with- > out any problem. Everybody else had gone to the store and Gigan: ... gave thanks that they could escape being in this fic... at least for a little while. > left Luna, Usagi, and Chibi-Usa in the house asleep. > Chibi-Usa was the first to wake up. Her sleep had been > uneasy, but no more night-terrors of the same type she had had > of Pu getting eaten alive. Instead, her dream was about Mark: ... muffins. Lots and lots of muffins. > Pu's > spirit warning her of some type of danger, and telling her the > crystal key was now usable. She didn't know what to make of > it, and wished Pu was there to help her, but then she got an > idea. Dinobot: To get out of this fanfic! > She got up out of the bed, glad she didn't wake Usagi > or Luna up in the process, and went over to Luna-P. She shook > Luna-P and looked into its eyes, trying to communicate with > her black-fuku'ed friend. There was no response. "Are you > there Pu?" she called out desperately. "Pu?" Space Godzilla : Oh, PUpie. > But there was still no response. After half an hour of > trying, she gave up and started crying. Usagi, as usual, slept > right through it, but Luna woke up. > "Chibi-Usa chan, why are you crying?" Luna asked. > "Pu's gone. Somebody hurt Pu." > "Who's Pu? Who hurt Pu?" Gigan: No, it was What. Nash: Who? Gigan: No, What. Nash: Who? Gigan: No, What. Nash: What? Gigan: Exactly. Nash: I don't get it... Others: THIRD BASE! > "Only my best friend. I had a dream last night that in > the future somebody hurt Pu and made monsters eat her alive." Bret : His name is 'The Great Red Serpent'. > "It must be the Black Moon. Now that Rubeus is dead, > they could have decided to send someone else." Luna went to > the bed to wake up Usagi. > "Usagi chan..." > Luna shook her. No response. Gigan: Then she reached for her "secret weapon"... Space Godzilla: Gigan... if you keep that up, it's going to be a *Black Day* for you. > "Usagi chan..." > Still no response. > "USAGI!!!!" > Usagi bolted up to a sitting position, now wide awake. Bisch : 42! Baltimore! The Declaration of Independence! > "Wh- what?" > "Chibi-Usa chan has just told me about a dream she had > last night, and I think the Black Moon might be sending some- > one else now that Rubeus has been defeated." > "Come on, Luna, it was just a dream." Mark : It certainly wasn't a dire warning of events to come! Now I'm going to hang around alone in a dangerous deserted area with no panties on! Tee-hee! > "No it wasn't," Chibi-Usa broke in on their conver- > sation. "I used Luna-P to try reaching Pu just now, and there > was no answer." Nash: Well, maybe she just hates you. Everyone else does. > Usagi responded, "Just who's this 'Pu' you keep talking > about? And how do you know she wasn't just now using the > bathroom?" > "I tried for thirty minutes straight!" Ghidora: This is Pluto we're talking about... it would not surprise us if she was eternally constipated. Bret: Ewww... > "Maybe she was taking a shower!" > A big teardrop formed on Luna's head as it became evident > she was growing tired of Usagi's refusal to grasp the point > being presented. "Usagi will you get serious! Now, Chibi- > Usa chan, what was this new enemy like?" Gigan : He was typing at a computer and writing this horrible stuff about Rei-chan... > "He was all mean and ugly. He looked like an older one > of those gaijin in my class at school. He was old and ugly, Space Godzilla: Yes, but is he old? > and he had green hair and a glass eye, half his face is covered > with metal. His hand was made out of metal too, and he had a > little green ball inside it that shot fireballs. He used it to > call monsters out of the walls, too. They were Bisch: ... Hanson!! Others: NOOOOOOO! > made out of > like fire and had these mean sharp claws and...they were just > terrible!" > The vision of seeing her best friend butchered and fil- > leted Nash: ... and pan-fried up country style and served with cornbread and greens... Space Godzilla : Revul-SHON. > had traumatized Chibi-Usa, and remembering all of this > sent the child into a state of outright panic. > "See Luna, now look what you've done!" Usagi yelled at > her cat. > "You don't get it yet, do you? Do you know any small > children who can make up something like this? All: Yes! > I can't even > think of too many grown ups who could come up with a story > like that. Mark : Well, there is this one guy called the Great Red Serpent, but he's harmless... > Besides, I've got a strange feeling about this, > and I think we need to call the other senshi right away." Dinobot : We have to get slain by him! > So Usagi called the other senshi, and got answers from > all of them except Rei, who she figured was still asleep, so > they all decided to go over to the temple for the big emer- > gency meeting. Dinobot: Only to find her and Jason... > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan: [Miming pulling on the line] One... two... one... two... Man, that's a good chin-up bar. > > When they got to Rei's house, grandpa was awake, taking > Yuuichiro through his training exercises. After hitting on > them like usual, he finally told them she was probably still > asleep and to go up to her room to find out. Dinobot : And tell me what all the yelling and screaming was about! > What they saw when they got up to her room was what > startled the hell out of them. Bisch : Oh no! An author's inserted himself! Nash: Literally! Ba-da-bing! > > In Rei's room, the only thing they saw was Rei naked > and bruised up, asleep with a cucumber hanging out of her > ass and the new exchange student naked and asleep on top of > her. Bret : This is seriously fucked up. Bisch: Hey! Bret: Oh, it's not like we're going to offend anybody! The story already has that covered. > Ami was the first to react, able to do nothing but > turn her head away in disgust. Mark: I know how you feel, girl. > Usagi was almost as shock as Ami, but was so dumbfounded > she could not do anything but stare, but was able to manage > covering Chibi-Usa's eyes with her hand. Dinobot :What the slag happened? > Makoto and Minako were anything but shocked. Jealous > would've been more like it, Nash : I wish there was a frozen cucumber up *my* ass! [Ghidora starts to shudder...] > as they both thought he was cute, > too, and had a bet going as to who would be the first to > snag him. Even though pissed off and somewhat depressed, they > couldn't help but giggle. Space Godzilla : Rei, you're so silly. That's NOT how you make Chocolate Covered Cucumbers! > "We really shouldn't be staring at them like this." Ami > said with a contemptuous tone. Dinobot : But then again, how often does this happen? > "I don't see you trying to turn you head to other way?" > Makoto commented, causing a large teardrop to form on Ami's > forehead. Gigan: Didn't the author just say that Ami DID turn her head away? Bisch: Ah, just a detail. It's the frozen cucumber up the ass that *really* drives this scene. > Makoto's and Minako's giggling woke Rei up and, as she > looked around while she was still fairly groggy, her face > flushed red with embarrassment when she noticed where the sound > was coming from. Dinobot : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! > "Oh shit!" was all that raced from her mind as she tried > getting up, but last night's beating made her too sore to move. > Having a cucumber stuck up her anus didn't help her out too much, > either. Bret: I can't believe I just read that. Ghidora: [Shuddering] Neither... can... we. > She tried to manage saying something to pull herself > out of such an awkward situation, but ended up tripping on > her own words. Dinobot : See you next fall, Rei! > "It's okay, Rei," Minako said. "You and Jason are just > into some real perverted ways of having fun. You don't have > to cover up for it." Mark : Sailor Jupiter says sexual violence is okay! > "But, it's not what it seems, really..." Rei was still > trying to pull herself out. Dinobot: Try stupid... > "It seems like you had the shit beat out of you, and > a cucumber stuck up your ass and you enjoyed every minute of > it." Nash: Yeah, The Great Red Serpent is a *reaaaal* expert on the inner desires of women. > Makoto cut her off. "So if that's not what it is, > what is it?" > Rei decided it was better to just shut up then instead > of digging herself deeper into a hole. Dinobot: How? > "Ah Wincincala, hanhepi kin lila waste lo! Lel wanna > ake cipaspayin kte wacin yelo!" Bisch: Gah! I think the Serpent just fell asleep at the keyboard! Gigan: Which is appropriate, since the only chance of him ever getting Rei would be IN HIS DREAMS. > Jason was beginning to wake > up and had forgotten that he was in Japan. Everybody just > stared at him out of not understanding what he had said. > "Nani?" Rei asked, part of her hoping he wouldn't > translate that in front of her friends. Nash : I just said that I came with the *best* story idea! See, it's a Sailor Moon/Overfiend Crossover... > As he hadn't noticed the other senshi, he showed no > restraint in translating. "Baby, I said that the night was won- > derful and that I wanna fuck you again right here and now!" Bret [extremely bitter]: No, you just said, "I'm a loser fanboy who wrote myself into a sex scene with Rei Hino because a *real* woman WOULDN'T TOUCH ME!!" Bisch: BRET! NO INSULTS, GOD DAMMIT! Space Godzilla: Why not? The more, the merrier. > That was the last straw. Ami bolted out the door out of > shock over such boldness. Usagi and Chibi-Usa were both > fixated in surprise over what they had just heard, and > Makoto and Minako just couldn't resist cracking up right then > and there. > This pissed Rei off beyond belief. Nash : You put me in your little self-insertion lemon, shoved a cucumber up my ass, and beat me savagely... but buddy, I draw the line at being *embarrassed!* > She threw Jason off > her ALL: YAY!! > and headed over to her bed to get something to put on, > leaving a thin trail of blood behind her. Bret: It's amazing! There is now someone walking this earth I hate more than Shawn Michaels! > "Hey Rei, lemme > get that for you." Makoto reached over and pulled the cucum- > ber out from between her butt-cheeks. Jason tried hard not > to laugh but instead decided it would be better to sneak out > of there and save himself from any further embarrassment. Dinobot: Time to have him punished in the name of Mars... Gigan: In the name of Mars, my ass! In the name of EVERYTHING! > And so the meeting began. Mark: Yup, just an average day for the Sailor Senshi. Ghidora: Those crazy kids. > Chibi-Usa told everyone about > her dream and Luna told them her interpretation. After that > everyone discussed what the best strategy would be for this > new enemy. Dinobot : Let the someone else handle it, like the Avengers. > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan : 99 useless lines on the wall... > > Later on, around three o'clock that afternoon, Faust > awoke from his slumber. He hated waking up in the afternoon, > as this was the sign of the undisciplined mind and worthy > only of the irresponsible, the stupid, and the makemono. Nash: So Faust is a Young Republican. > Before returning to his study of the documents he > had found, he decided to see if there was anything else in > the house that might be useful. Bisch : Damn! There's nothing in this house but movie sequels, meat tenderizers, and Owen Hart! [Bret glowers *very* darkly at Bisch] > Before long, he made it to > the center of the mansion, which appeared to be an elaborate > observatory. On each of the walls of the room was an in- > scription that translated, "Everything is ruled by the > stars," and another that said, "The stars know everything." Bret: Oh, so Nephrite couldn't remember his lines. > "Not quite," Faust thought to himself, remembering > the Latin "Sapiens Dominabitur Astris (the wise one shall > rule over the stars)." Bisch: Oh, *look*. Someone had a *Latin* class. > Nevertheless, this room looked like > a suitable ritual chamber, and so far the entire house > looked like it would be a good base of operations should he > have to remain in 1993 for awhile. Mark: Of *course* the Serpent just *had* to keep Faust in the present so there'd be more of his little *story*. > Conveniently located > just outside the city, fully stocked refrigerator (Majinkai > food kept for a lot longer than Ninjinkai food, and most of it > was just as consumable for humans), and a Ferarri in the > garage. What more could a man of the 90's ask for? Dinobot: To know what happend to the old owner... > He decided to return to the texts he had found and was > glad that he did. They spoke of the ginzuishou, the pro- > cedure for tracking it down, and the possibility of it having > some connection with a young girl named Naru. "Insignificant. > What I want is... here! Yes, I have found it..." Gigan <'Invasion of the Neptune Men' Commander>: I found my record! > What he finally found was one paper which went into > detail about Sailor Moon's greatest weakness, and another which > told her real name. Bret: I have to wonder why Nephrite wasn't a *bit* more successful if he knew all this. > "The fool. From his research it appears that he never > found the ginzuishou, though from these notes, I will. I will > find this boy who is named only as Tuxedo Kamen and use him > as the instrument of my conquest." Space Godzilla: Oh, this guy is sooooo original. I'm in shock at how no one has ever thought of trying that before. Dinobot : I will kill him! > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan : Now, are any of the termites in the line-up the one that attacked you? > > At about that same time in the afternoon, give or take > a few minutes, Mamoru was also just beginning to wake up. He > had taken home the strange woman from the previous night and > oh, did they make one hell of a night out of it. Mark : Tonight's the night... Space Godzilla : Here in the glow of the night... > Upon waking > up, he was surprised to find she was gone. "I needed that," > he thought to himself, "perhaps more than I thought. I love > Usako, but I can't be near her for now. I guess I need to > get a lover on the side so I can get my mind off her from > time to time." Nash: And do it with someone who's legal, too. Ghidroa: Acutally, the age of consent in Japan... Space Godzilla: SPAM it, Ghidora. > After putting on some clothes, he went out to the > balcony to get some fresh air and think. > His thinking time was cut short, however, as he shortly > thereafter sensed that his beloved Usagi was in some kind of > danger. Bret : She's in a tentacle self-insertion lemon! NO! > "Shit! This would have to happen now, wouldn't it?" > he snapped to himself, and headed out, transforming into > Tuxedo Kamen along the way. Dinobot:*makes the 'Transformers' transforming noise* > When he got there he saw all five senshi badly hurt; > Mars and Mercury were knocked unconscious while the other three > were pretty badly wounded. They were fighting two monsters, > one who was pale blue with a set of locust wings, eyes like a > common housefly, antenna like a grasshopper, and eight legs, Kaiju: LEGION?! WHAT'S SHE DOING IN THERE?! Dinobot: That's Manterror!!! > each terminating in claws with four "fingers." The second one Dinobot: Or not. > was bright red and looked somewhat humanoid, but the eyes > were large and perfectly round, the ears were missing, and > the mouth was an oval about 1 foot in diameter and carrying > about 150 piss-yellow teeth. Gigan: "Piss-yellow"? Ghidora: A mix of regular yellow and "poop-brown". Space Godzilla: Ewww... > The situation facing the remaining conscious senshi > was fearfully gruesome. Jupiter attempted to use Sparkling > Wide Pressure on the blue demon, but the demon just swallowed > the attack and spit it right back at her, three times worse. Ghidora: We must admit... that was more effective than her usual Concussion Beam. > Makoto shook in agony as the electricity coursed all through > her shapely body, burning her fuku to ashes along with the > skin on several parts of her body. The now naked, severely Gigan/Nash : Boing boing boing! Bisch/Space Godzilla: Guys... > burned, but brave soldier of justice staggered back to her > feet and tried Supreme Thunder on the red one, which was > currently busy feasting on Venus. > Venus had been grabbed by the red one only seconds > before Jupiter had foolishly tried attacking the blue one. Ghidora : YES! It is foolish to think that the Senshi would have a chance against faceless goons from a Hentai series! HAHAHAHA HAHA! > Now, Venus was being held in a crushing bear-hug, and was > unable to perform the gesturing necessary for the Lovely > Chain or even the Crescent Beam. As this was going on > the monster let its three hideously deformed penes bury > themselves deep within her hot, soft cunt, churning hard > and fast. Bret: They were making butter like there was no tomorrow! [Everyone else stares at Bret.] Bisch: Are you feeling alright? Bret : I have the disturbing feeling that the only way to survive this will be sinking to Nash's level, so I'm practicing. > Venus was about to pass out from this, but it was > then that the creature was hit by Jupiter's Supreme Thunder, Ghidora: [Winces] That's got to be an uncomfortably shocking experience for Venus. Mark: Huh? Ghidora: Think about how the monster is... holding Venus. Mark: Ouch... > which caused it to be distracted long enough for her to free > her hands to where she could use the Crescent Beam. She tried > it on the demon's forehead and it was only phased long enough > for her to manage to get away. Seconds later the beast was > back on it feet, highly pissed off, and ready for more action. Nash : You know... *action*. > Sailor Moon had been watching over the fallen bodies, > of Mars and Mercury when she noticed the blue demon turning > Jupiter's attack against her, and that the monster was now > moving in to rape her. Bret: His name is Blue *Devil*, he's not that strong, and Daniel Cassidy would never do that! > Seconds after Jupiter got out the > Supreme Thunder to help Venus, the blue demon spat out a > sticky, bright purple, web-like substance, and then it > started moving in for the kill. Bisch: Ten bucks says that did *not* come from a pleasant orifice. Kaiju: No bet. > Moon noticed this and used > Moon Tiara Action to cut Jupiter free of the web, which > worked with no difficulty. This inspired her to use the tiara > on the creature itself, but when she did that, it simply passed > right through the creature, inflicting no damage whatsoever. Bret: Damn! His Phasing is better than my First Strike and Trample! Dinobot: [points at monster] Lightning Bolt! Mark: Actually, I *could* do that... > Tuxedo was about to enter this losing battle, but it > seemed that as soon as he got there, the monsters disappeared. > Both he and the senshi were surprised. Why didn't the > monsters kill them off while they had the chance? Mark: I'm betting a giant plot contrivance had something to do with it. > Mamoru > figured there was more to this than meets the eye, All : The Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons! Dinobot: And now it's Maximals vs. Predacons. Nash: Feh! I'll take Bumblebee over Cheetor any day! > but wanted > to get out of there as soon as possible so he could avoid > Usagi. He did just that, and headed back to his apartment. Bisch : To hell with the naked, severely wounded Senshi! 'Jerry Springer' is on! > From atop a tall building nearby, the man who both > started, and finished, the battle below watched as Tuxedo > entered the scene, and began following him as he left. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan: BEEP BEEP BEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP... Bret: Now what are you doing? Gigan: Morse Code. BEEEEEP BEEP BEEP... > > "Excellent," Faust thought to himself. "All I have to > do is follow this boy home and find his true identity. Then I > can find his weakness and make him my servant." Dinobot : Just like Vega. > Mamoru had made it to his apartment. Unaware that he > was being watched, he had transformed back into himself on the > way. He went back out to the terrace, where he normally > went to think, and started talking to himself about his Dinobot: ... life, and his sanity. > situation with Usagi. Space Godzilla: Isn't it convenient how the villains always manage to spy on the hero that talks to himself? > From the roof of the apartment building, Faust lis- > tened in with earnest. "So, his real name is Mamoru Chiba, > and he is torn between his love for Usagi Tsukino, and his > perceived necessity to avoid her. This will provide me with > the perfect base upon which to build him up as my servant." Nash : Did all you people at home get that? I can repeat it if you need me to! > He went back to the mansion and scryed into the Loc- > Nar to learn more about the reason Mamoru was avoiding Usagi, > and ended up learning out about Crystal Tokyo, Mamoru's dream, > and a little bit about the Black Moon. Bisch: I bet 'Loc-Nar' is Gaelic for 'plot device' > What better way to > manipulate a person's feelings than to understand their root > cause? This was the logic Faust applied, and it was success- > ful in providing him with a plan to use Mamoru as his servant. Space Godzilla: I've said it before, and I'll say it again... TRY THINKING UP AN ORIGINAL PLAN! > Later that night, a few hours after dark, the sleeping > form of Mamoru Chiba was paid a visit. The black-robed > figure perched himself on the rail of the terrace and by > force of will caused the window to open. He also caused Ma- > moru to wake up and the dialogue began. Mark: What? Is it a script now? > "Wh- who are you?" Mamoru asked. > "My name is Munihausen. I have come from the court of > Crystal Tokyo to warn you of a new Black Moon plot." > "What kind of plot are they planning." Bret : Yes, I'm a gullible moron! Why are you asking? > "We know that you have been having dreams warning you > to stay away from Usagi Tsukino. These dreams are a hoax im- > planted in your mind by the family of Black Moon. They have > been implanted because they know that the union between you > and Usagi Tsukino can destroy them. Don't be deceived. I Dinobot: ... want you to start dating! > will show you the end result of their plan." > Faust held up his palm and Mamoru began to see a vision > materialize before him. In the vision Mamoru saw Usagi car- > rying a shopping bag and walking down the street with a hand- > some young man who was about 5'10" in height, 180 pounds, and Gigan : Oh Ranma, I love you! Space Godzilla:[Muttered] Suck up. > about a year younger than Mamoru. They were walking down the > street laughing, talking, and in gereral she seemed to feel > better with him than she ever did with Mamoru. Nash: Yes, Mamoru could tell this by looking! He's telepathic! > It was a hot, > sunny day, so he bought her an ice cream from a street vendor, > and the two continued on their way, laughing and smilimg all > the while. The sight of it caused Mamoru's heart to swell up > with jealousy and rage Bisch : God, how I hate ice cream! Space Godzilla: I hope Skuld didn't hear that... > over Usagi's new romance, and he started > to turn his head in disgust. Ghidora : I refuse to watch her with that... martial artist! Space Godzilla: Not you, too... > "Look at it, Mamoru." Faust said as Mamoru turned his > head. "There is still even more to their plan." > Mamoru looked back at the images Faust was showing him. > Usagi and her new lover had walked down a street and were now > about to enter an apartment building which Mamoru didn't recog- > nize, but which seemed to be in a very wealthy part of town. Gigan: Ranma opening his own dojo paid off, I see. Space Godzilla: Okay, that's enough. > The couple went into an elevator and got off on the fifth > floor, then walked down the hall to an apartment three doors > down and on the left side. They entered the apartment and > Usagi kissed him passionately as they closed the door, then > said to her lover, "Honey, stay right here for a few minutes. > I've got something I wanna show you." Mark : Look! I've got a third nipple! Isn't it neat? > The man sat down on the couch while Usagi went down a > hallway and into a door. When she came out a few minutes la- > ter she had taken the meatballs out of her hair and was wearing > it down, and she was also wearing a short denim skirt and a > low-cut, see- through blouse. Over it she had a denim jacket > (matching the skirt), and was wearing it open. Bret: Usagi Tsukino, Sailor Prostitute. > The blue of > the denim matched the coloring in her eyes, and the tightness > of the entire outfit gave Mamoru quite a woody. Dinobot : Usagi... I love you and I'm going to kick Ranma's butt!!! Space Godzilla: You stay out of this! > Usagi went over to her lover and bent over her sitting > companion, the low cut on her blouse giving him a clear view > down into her round tits. She leaned down and kissed him > several times, gently on the lips at first, but working their > way up to a monster French kiss. The man started moving his > hands up to feel on her tits when Usagi blocked his advance > and whispered, "Now for what I have to show you." Gigan : Ranma, you are SO impatient! Space Godzilla: Could you please stop that? > Needless to say, Mamoru was now beginning to get sick, > on top of all that rage and jealousy which had already de- > veloped within him. But he still managed to control it and > kept forcing himself to watch. Nash : So what if it doesn't make any sense? I'm the Great Red Serpent, dammit, and I wanna write about Usagi's tits! Space Godzilla: He likes to watch... doesn't he? Nash [grinning]: Who doesn't? > Usagi had left her partner and walked over to the stereo > system on the other side of the room and hit the "play" button > on the CD player. The room was filled with the sound of a soft Kaiju : HOT STUFF! Baby you see... I want some HOT STUFF! Baby tonight... > jazz instrumental, and Usagi started stirring her hips to the > slow, seductive beat. She slowly moved her hands up from her > thighs to her breasts, cupping the her mammary glands and > moving her hands over them in a circular motion, slowly and > quite seductively. Bret: I really don't see what's so seductive about Usagi ripping the insides of her breasts out. > She kept her left hand over her left > breast while moving her right hand slowly south, pulling up > her skirt and panties and starting to play with her hot, lus- > cious folds. Bisch: Maybe Usagi should consider going a size down, if her undies are *that* big. Mark: Um... you missed the point again... > While keeping her right hand on her pussy, she slowly > moved her left hand to the back of her waist and began un- > zipping her skirt, moving her right hand from her pussy in > order to let it fall on the floor. Bret: Whoa! They make those detachable now? [Ghidora dry heaves.] > Instead of resuming her display of autoerotic technique, > she arched her shoulders back to help her remove the jacket. Nash: Her arms got stuck, causing her to trip and fall over. The mood broken, her lover laughed and laughed at her for hours! > This happened with ease, and she lightly tossed the jacket to > land on the couch a few inches away from her lover. She then > walked slowly toward him, motioning for him to get up and come > close to her. Mark : Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not *touching* you... > He got up and did that, and when they met they > kissed while she unbuttoned his shirt and unzipped his pants. > When she was finished taking his shirt off and when his pants > were unbuttoned, unzipped and lying at his feet, her lips left > his, and moving their way slowly southward, kissing every inch > of flesh between his mouth and his groin. Bisch: It was several days later when she finished and, well, she didn't have much to work with then... > He wasn't wearing > any underwear, so Mamoru could see his long, perfect dick, so Wrestlers: ARGH!! Mark: Christ! Who's she dating, Val Venis? Ghidora [Val Venis]: Helllllloooo Senshi. Because, when Venis uses his Moon Rod... [Pause] ...WE CAN'T BELIEVE WE *SAID* THAT!! Gigan: I always knew Ranma was as healthy as a horse. Space Godzilla: I don't know what's worse. The fact he's still sucking up, or the pun. > big and straight and by now so hard that it was starting to > turn Mamoru on, All: [Stare in stunned horror at screen] Dinobot: That isn't right! > but his feelings about Usagi being with another > man ruled out over his own desire to be with another man. Ghidora [Starting to shake]: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! Gigan: Hold it in! Don't... lose your head again! We need you! Ghidora: We... shall... try. Bret: Well, I've lost my will to live! How's everyone else? Nash: Suicidal! Bisch: Self-destructive! Mark: Crap. I'm already dead. Dinobot: So am I. I'm going to kill the author! Others: We'll help! > As Usagi's mouth had made it to his rock-hard member, > she started licking the bottom of it, beginning with the part > where the shaft met the front of his scrotum. [Nash and Gigan sigh blissfully, prompting everyone in the theater to glare at them.] > She put her lips > there as a starting point, and with those same lips she worked > her way up the blood vessel running all the way through from > the testes to the glans, millimeter by agonizing, pleasure- > giving millimeter. Bret : You know, this scene *might* be erotic if it wasn't so damned technical! Nash [stunned]: I don't believe it! Sailor Moon's giving a blow job and you're okay with it! Bret [suddenly turning green]: When you put it like that... [whips barf bag out of jacket and begins throwing up] Nash: That's more like it! Space Godzilla: I take it you guys aren't fans of Sailor Mac then... Bisch: Hey! Sailor Mac stories are romantic and reveal the inner nature of the characters! This... I don't know *what* this is. > On the bottom of the penis, at what could probably be > termed the "inner vertex" of the head (a man will know this by > looking at his own dick, a woman by looking at her boy- > friend's), there is a short flap of skin on a line from that Bisch: What the hell is this? Geometry? Ghidora: Oh, The Great Red Serpent is sooooo clever and funny. Why, we're rolling in the aisles laughing! > point to the beginning of the foreskin. As soon as Usagi's > lips made it to that point she nibbled on that line gently, > sucking on it and licking it several times with her tongue. > A bead of pre-cum formed on outside the hole on the tip of > his glans and landed on the tip of her nose. Mark: Urge... to kill... rising... Space Godzilla: Stomach... churning... > Sensing this > and hearing his moan, Usagi realized it was time to take his > dick right into her mouth. He had a big penis, but tried > deepthroating it anyway, and a look of pleasant surprise > came across her face when she found she was able to take it > all. Bret : Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now! [pause.] WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?! [begins slapping himself] > Her partner smiled, and put his hands on the back of > her head, pushing her face against his lower torso. He > moaned loudly, and after four minutes his moans turned into > the full-fledged screams of a truly cataclysmic orgasm. Gigan : MOKO.... [Space Godzilla fires a Corona Beam which lands in front of Gigan. Gigan looks at Space Godzilla, who grins evilly.] Space Godzilla: Finish that riff. Come on, I DARE you to do it. > Usagi backed her mouth off it a little so as to make room > for the come shooting out, and started swallowing, savoring > the taste. Nash : Tastes like chicken! [Bret immediately begins slapping Nash instead and Space Godzilla prepares another Corona Beam.] > After he finished his orgasm, she licked any > remaining nut off the head of his penis, truly enjoying her Gigan: You know, it's a good thing none of it dribbled down, or else Usagi'd be... [Ducks Corona Beam] Space Godzilla: DON'T say it. Don't mutter it. Don't even THINK it. > work, and started sucking on the head again in the attempt > to restore his erection. Bisch: It's official! The Great Red Serpent knows nothing about real sex! > Her efforts paid off well, and as soon as his erection > returned, Bret: Breaking all known laws about the sexual functions of the male body... > she took her mouth off his head, put some saliva on > the palm of her hand, and used that hand to massage the head > as she worked her way back up to a standing position. Once > in that standing position, she started kissing her lover > passionately while jacking him off at the same time, [Nash grins and sighs again. Gigan doesn't join him because Space Godzilla is now dangerously close to Corona Beaming the both of them.] > and after about 30 seconds of kissing she moved her mouth over to > his ear and whispered, "Fuck me." Ghidora: For some reason, we'd always thought she'd say something like, "take me" or "make love to me". Maybe it's just because it would BE IN CHARACTER FOR HER! Mark: Yep, Usagi, the Serpent's fucked you up pretty good. > Wasting no time, the man grabbed Usagi and turned her > around, then not gently, but not roughly either, guided her > down to the ground on her palms and knees. "Bring your ass > up a little higher," he coached her into the position. Gigan: And I'd always thought she'd want to do it facing her lover, or at least in a possition where she can hold him in her arms, since that would also BE A PART OF HER CHARACTER! Space Godzilla: Guys... can we get off this? Nash [Grins]: I won't do it. That's TOO easy. Bret: Assume the position! [pause] AGH! What's wrong with me?! Nash: Don't worry, things aren't so bad on my level. > She did as she was told, and as soon as her ass was > up to the right height, he dropped to his knees too and > started pumping her doggy style. Bisch : Davey Boy Smith? Bret: LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!! > He didn't fuck around with (Everyone [except Nash and Gigan, who chuckle] winces at the pun.) > starting it slow or gentle, no. From the very first second > he was inside her hot, wet slit, he fucked it hard and fast, > making long strokes that seemed to be more for his pleasure > than for hers. Usagi just straight out screamed on account > of the pain he was getting from him; Mark: Urge... to kill... becoming... overwhelming... Ghidora: Central... head... feels... funny... > it was evident she wasn't > really enjoying it, but she wanted too much to keep his love Dinobot: *I* wouldn't. Mark [suddenly looking ill]: I'd certianly *hope* not... > to say no (it's sad that too many women in real life share > this psychological problem, but I guess a hentai fanfic is > really no place to lecture). All: Nononononono! Space Godzilla: Go right ahead and lecture, we don't mind. > As her screams became louder, her lover asked, "If I > didn't look the way I do now, would you still love me, Usagi > chan?" Gigan : Cause you see, when you hit me with cold water... [This time the Corona Beam strikes him on the shoulder] Space Godzilla: ENOUGH!!! > Usagi didn't hear him over her own screaming, but what > she screamed out next coincided in such a way as to be taken > as an answer, "Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! I love you! Yeeeeesss!" Nash: I see Usagi uses Herbal Essence shampoo. > Mamoru, by now, had become so jealous, angry, and dis- > gusted that he had long past the point at which he wanted to > look away, and was now so disgusted and enraged that all he > could do was watch; it was like the image had enthralled his > mind and he couldn't turn away. Bisch : Do you buy that? Gigan: In the words of your rival's biggest thing... OH HELL NO! [Bisch suddenly begins growling and foaming at the mouth] Bisch: How the hell was *I* supposed to know he actually had some talent?! No, now everyone mocks *me*... Mark: I've found it's generally not a good idea to mention *that* particular Steve around Eric. > Back to the show at hand. As soon as Usagi had screamed > that out to her new lover, a blinding light filled the room. Dinobot: An airplane crashed in and killed them. The end. > "Good, you stupid slut!!!!!" he yelled at her as his voice > became coarse and he bagan to change. Hundreds of miniature Bret: GAH! Not another one of these! Space Godzilla: That's our cue again. Gigan: Don't worry, I'll handle it this time... (Everyone else [except Nash] closes their eyes.) Gigan: You know, if I had a nipple for every time the monsters in this story ate the breast damn part of the woman, I'd be a rich Kaiju. Okay, all clear. > At this point, all Mamoru could do was scream. "No! > Usako! No! Noooooooo!!!!" Ghidora : Just because he can move at super speed... don't leave me for that... Ranma. [Space Godzilla fires again, but Ghidora blocks it with one of his Gravity Bolts. Space Godzilla gives him a dirty look as Ghidora smirks.] > Faust turned off the images and again spoke to Mamoru. Dinobot : Too much, wimpboy? Gigan : Is the big baby gonna cry? Huh? Baby? You wanna cry? > "If you simply ignore the dream and go go back to her, we know > that they are capable of implanting images in your mind so > strong your brain will explode, Mark: Like these crappy demon rape scenes?! > or they just might try this > technique on Usagi. There is only one way to prevent this > from happening." Dinobot : Let Usagi marry Tuxedo Chris. Others: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! > "Just tell me. I'll do anything!" Mamoru pleaded > desparately. > "You must get your hands on the ginzuishou and give it > to me. I can combine its power with the power of the green > ball in my hand. This will create a mental barrier which they > cannot penetrate." Nash : Do you buy that? > "I _must_ get my hands on it? How would I do that?" Ma- > moru asked, half suspecting Faust himself was sent from the > Black Moon in the attempt to get information out of him about > the crystal, or just to outright steal it. Bisch: GEE, YOU THINK?! > "You insult your own intelligence, Mamoru. But I un- > derstand that you are testing me, and so I will tell you that > the ginzuishou is in Usagi's, or should I say Sailor Moon's, > posession." > Mamoru knew that the Black Moon knew Sailor Moon had > the crystal, Bret: But what he didn't know was that Faust knew that he knew that they knew! > and that they didn't know that Usagi was Sailor > Moon. Since Faust did know, but mostly because Mamoru's Dinobot: ... *stupidity*... > feelings on the matter had just been turned upside-down by the > little porno movie he had just been shown, Mamoru was easily > convinced that he was telling the truth about his origins. Mark: Well of course! If someone showed me porn and then told me a pack of lies a small child wouldn't believe, I'd swallow 'em! Porn's just that friggin' powerful! Gigan: This message brought to you by the Porn Councel. PC, the place to come. All : P-O-R-N... PORN! > "Okay, I believe you're who you say you are, but why > must I get the crystal from Usagi?" Nash : So she'll be nice and defenseless when the demons come to rape her silly. > "Because with it you can protect your love from this > incredible obstruction. When you get it, I will teach you Dinobot : ... that your stupidity will be what killed you. > you the procedure. It must be done by a man, and Usagi > must not know anything about this, because for her to know > would ruin the whole operation." Bisch : Do you still buy that? Man, this guy has to be the stupidest thing alive! Hey, I've got this bridge for sale... > Mamoru was excited at the chance to get back with > Usagi, especially after the incident by the pier the > previous night. "I'll do it, but how do I find you when > I get it?" Dinobot : Just look for the demons. > "Don't worry. I will know." > With that Faust jumped off the terrace and disappeared. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Gigan: When germs go line dancing... > > That night Mamoru went over to Usagi's house. Every- > body over there, fortunately, was fast asleep and he made sure > to be extra-quiet in breaking in. Nash: For Mamoru was *extremely* skilled at sneaking into the rooms of helpless 14-year-old-girls... > He went straight to Usagi's > room, remembering the floor plan from the few times he had > been there when the rest of her family wasn't home. He was > about to search her room for the crystal but then remembered > that she once said something about sleeping with it under > her pillow. Bret: That's where *I'd* keep the most powerful weapon in the universe. > "Shit! This is gonna be real easy, isn't it?" he > said to himself sarcastically. > "Mamo chan, please...." Usagi suddenly mumbled in her > sleep. > She was making motions as if she was kissing Mamoru in > her dream, perhaps making love to him. This gave him an idea. Mark: A stupid idea, but an idea nonetheless. > He went over to her sleeping form and kissed her, and she res- > ponded very warmly, kissing him passionately while still asleep. Gigan : Oh come on, she'll do more than THAT in her sleep... Space Godzilla: GIGAN! > This seemed to keep her attention distracted, so he took the > chance of putting his hand under her pillow and exploring. > Yep. Sure enough, there it was, so he took the crystal broach, > ended his kiss with Usagi, and got out of there as soon as > possible after leaving a note on her desk. > ------------------------------------------------------------ Nash: "Dear Usagi. Took crystal to give to creepy guy I don't know. Had no choice; he showed me porn. Love, Mamoru" > > The next morning Usagi woke up, strangely hornier than > usual, but couldn't masturbate with Chibi-Usa in the room. Ghidora: Thus, her *Usual Morning* was delayed. > So with what little self-control she had, she resisted the > urge and proceeded to get dressed. Bisch: So in the Serpent's world, Usagi's a mindless slut? Bret: Isn't everyone? > All went well until she > looked under her pillow for the broach. At first she was > surprised that it was not there and then pissed at Chibi- > Usa for taking it, Dinobot : Mom, why are you pissing on me? [Ghidora shudders.] > but then noticed that Chibi-Usa was still > asleep, and so deduced that she couldn't have taken it. Ghidora: The Usagi in this fic used deductive reasoning? It CAN'T be. Space Godzilla: [Glowing with power] If anyone says ANYTHING... > Pissed off anyway, she decided to tear the whole house > apart in order to find it, starting with Shingo's room. Need- > less to say, Shingo was awakened by the sound of her searching Nash : Again? Wasn't last night enough for you? Bret [to Space Godzilla]: Should we flip a coin or something to see who hits him? > and was infuriated when his sister accused him of stealing her > cherished broach. > "Oh, that thing. What would I want with a thing like > that?" Gigan : Your UNDERWEAR on the other hand... > "You're _lying_! You just want to annoy me, that's > why you took it." > Shingo started calling, "Oh Mom!" > Usagi, not wanting to get into trouble, simply left > Shingo's room. "That little spore," Bisch: No, it's 'whore'. Like I said before, it has an 'H' sound... Bret: Eric, how in the hell would that apply to Shingo? Bisch: Well, a growing portion of the prostitute population is young boys... Mark: An industry that, I might add, is centered in Canada. Bret: Shut up. > she thought to herself, > "I knew he took it." She decided wait. Hopefully, Shingo > would leave sometime during the day and she'd have a chance > to sneak into his room and search through it later. > Now convinced that he was the one who took it, Mark: No real reason, she was just convinced... > Usagi > went downstairs to the refrigerator to find something to [Everyone tenses.] > eat. She found a bowl of cold noodles, grabbed that, and went [Everyone breaths a sigh of relief.] > to the table to eat it. As she ate, she thought about the > incident that took place the previous day. Dinobot : We need to fire-proof our fukus. > "Maybe Luna's right about Chibi-Usa's dream. But then > why did they stop yesturday when they did? I mean, they > could've beaten us if they'd really wanted, right?" she > meditated on these questions, and a few more. All: OOOOOOOUUUUUUMMMMMM.... > "But Mamoru? He didn't show up yesturday to help us. > Maybe, maybe Bisch : Maybe maybe maybe... > it really _is_ over and he really doesn't love > me anymore." > Luna and Chibi-Usa both walked down into the dining > room. "Good morning, Usagi chan," Luna announced their > presence in this way. Bret: By saying hello? Well, I'll be damned! That's different! > "Oh, hi, Luna." Usagi said. > "What's wrong?" Chibi-Usa asked, noticing her state > of distress. > Usagi replied, "It's yesturday. We were losing, and Gigan: Yes, it WAS a turd day, wasn't it? Space Godzilla: GIGAN! Gigan: Hee hee hee... > Mamoru never showed up to help us. I think he really > doesn't love me anymore." > "And what makes you think that?" Luna questioned. > "There have been plenty of times when Mamoru hasn't come to > help you, even before he gave you the cold shoulder." Mark: Which could very well mean that he never loved her at all, and just likes to stalk pubescent girls. > "But the other night," Usagi continued, "I saw him > making love to another woman!" She broke out crying as she > articulated the last half of the sentence. All : D'OH! > "Oh. I guess I can't argue with that, but then I found > this note on your desk this morning." Luna said, and then > told Chibi-Usa to give the note to Usagi. > Usagi read the note. "Usako, please forgive me." > That's what it read. It had no signature, but it was > definitely Mamoru's handwriting. Bisch : Well, it says here the guy showed him porn... clearly, he had no choice. > "It's Mamo chan's, all right," Usagi sobbed, "but how > did it get in my room. Unless..." > Without warning Usagi headed for the door and ran > straight for her ex-lover's apartment. Nash : Ummm, don't you want to put clothes on or something? Dinobot: She did... remember? Nash: Oh, like *I've* been paying attention to this. Well, except for the *good* parts... Bret: Only *you* could find good parts in this damn story. > "I sense major trouble from this." Luna said to Chibi- > Usa, "We'd better getthe other senshi and follow her." > Rei was way sore from two days straight of beatings, Mark: Urge... to kill... overwhelming... > but > she was rested enought to make the trip. Ami had healed > pretty quickly, though she was still somewhat sore. All in > all, the senshi were all to meet at Mamoru's house, hoping at > least one of them would get there before Usagi did. Dinobot : Fat chance. > At Mamoru's house, Mamoru had been up for awhile and > was in the middle of eating when he noticed the windows by his > terrace open. > "So, you have it, Mamoru Chiba. Now I shall show you." Bisch : Check it out! You can put the whole thing together to make the Mega-Ultra-Super Zord! > "You'll show me how I can love Usagi and protect her > from danger?" > "Yes." Ghidora : After I use it to take over the world. > Ever since his first conjuration, Faust learned how to > play human weaknesses. What he did not learn through trial > and error, he learned by means of his first familiar. Now > his education was about to pay off big. "Lovesick little > boys are pathetic." he thought to himself. "So weak-willed > and easily deceived by such moronic lines." Dinobot: No kidding... > Faust continued his explanation to Mamoru. "You must > give the ginzuishou to me, and I will combine its power > with that of this green ball to form the barrier." Nash : Man, I can't believe this guy still believes me... > "Wait," Mamoru protested, "I was emotional last night > when I agreed to this, but now I've had a chance to think > about it, and how do I know you didn't just make that little > show up so you can get your hands on the crystal?" Bret: About six hours later, and he finally thought of the obvious. > Faust countered. "Remember what you saw last night. > Can you truly afford to take that chance? Or must I show you > again to remind you what will happen if you don't do it?" Mark: More porn? My will is now helpless before you! > Mamoru would normally not have been persuaded by this, > but his love for Usagi, coupled with his guilt over the inci- > dent on the pier (and taking the strange woman home with him > afterwards), Nash: And then picking up those two guys from the bar, and the goat... > along with the only partially subsided feelings > which Faust engendered inside him only the night before, > tore him apart to the point where he couldn't think straight, > and so he agreed. Bisch: Yes, he was that stupid. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ Dinobot: Use that sword to commit suicide. Ghidora: Us first! Bret: No, ME! > On the way to Mamoru's house, the other Senshi had > managed to catch up with Usagi. They all ran there together, > but by the time they got to the apartment it was too late. Nash: The plot contrivance had begun! > When they got there, Mamoru had just given Faust the > ginzuishou, and Faust had used Pluto's time key to open up > an interdimensional gate, but made it appear as if the cry- > stal was used in conjunction with it. He had offered Mamoru > the chance to step through the gate, Bisch : Go on! Hell is great this time of year! > and this is when the > girls showed up. > Faust noticed their presence. "So you are Usagi > Tsukino of the Sailor Senshi." > "How did you know?" Usagi asked. "How did you know > my name or who I am?" Bret : Went to Hitoshi Doi's webpage. > Rei detected a feeling from him, and communicated it > quietly to the rest of the group. Mark : I'm hooked on a feelin'... > "I'm getting a bad feeling > from him, but he's definitely not from the Black Moon." > Though Rei whispered, Faust still heard her. "You are Gigan : The girl who likes cucumbers shoved up her rear? Funny, you don't look like the type. Ghidora: ARRRRRRRGGGGH!!! [Starts shaking again] Bret: No! My jacket can't survive another bloodbath! > correct. My name is Munihausen. I have come for the gin- > zuishou, and now it is mine!" He held it up in his left hand > for all to see. > Mamoru just now realized he had been tricked. Bisch: Mamoru wasn't exactly the *brightest* kid back in grade school... > He lunged > at Faust, trying to get the crystal from him, but Faust just > held up his right hand and a green force-field surrounded > Mamoru, downing him and putting through excruciating pain. Nash: This time, Faust was making him look at nude pictures of Dusty Rhodes! Ghidora: AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! [Shakes even harder] > "Foolish boy!" Faust continued. "My family have searched > for decades to find the secret of the Overfiend, and the > three worlds, with little success. My father was the first > to find out the truth, and I the first to know that whoever > posesses the ginzuishou will rule the three worlds. You > were just my instrument of acquisition, and nothing more." Bret : *GASP* You were *using* me?! > In the time it took Faust to make that speech, the > senshi (except for Usagi, who was unable) had all transformed. Dinobot : I'm an Actionmaster now! > Rei was the one to make the speech, "You take advantage > of love and romance for your own personal gain. In the name > of Mars, I'll punish you!" Nash: In high heels? Please? > "Get lost." was Faust's only response. Letting go of > his "grip" on Mamoru, he shot a green fireball out from his > palm and knocked Mamoru, Usagi, and the senshi into the wall. > Usagi was the first to get herself to her feet and charged > for Faust. This time, Faust grabbed her and threw her through > the gateway he had made for Mamoru. Bisch : FETCH!! > "If you love her so > much, boy, let's see you go in and get her!" He yelled as > he held the senshi in a forcefield. > "You son of a bitch!" Bret: Listen, not even Stone Cold is as evil as this Faust guy... > Mamoru yelled as he charged Faust > a second time, only to be stopped short of him by an energy > barrier. > Faust laughed. "I told you, boy. The only way you can > save your beloved Usako now is by jumping through this gate. > Just pray you can get to her before the makemonos do!" Dinobot : The what? Nash: Whenever you see that, just read 'horny tentacle demons'. Dinobot: Oh. [pause] ARGH!! > Mamoru charged at him one more time, unsuccessfully, and > then said "Fuck it!" to himself as he ran through the gate, Bisch: Good lord! Serpent will write a sex scene with *anything*! > which closed right behind him. As for Faust himself, he jumped > off the rail of the terrace and was gone. > > ------------------------------------------------------------ > > On the other side of the gate, Usagi and Mamoru had > materialized in different parts of Tokyo of the 2020's, Mark : Why? Because *I* felt like writing another sex scene! > and > all of it was unrecognizable, devastated by something worse > than a nuclear holocaust. Nash: A *sexual* holocaust! All those fluids in one place were just *too much* for civilization... Others: NASH, SHUT UP! Gigan [To Nash]: Good one. > Mamoru had come out by the lake, > the same lake that was by the ruins of the house Faust was > using for a base in 1993. Usagi, on the other hand, was in > quite another situation. She was in the midst of a large > number of crumpled buildings, one of which could've been > the remains of the Crown Game Center. Bret: ... but wasn't. > She went into that > one, and was aghast at the sight of the many corpses left > to rot on the floor. Nash : Ewww! Don't they have maids after the apocalypse? > Especially one in particular, who > had blond hair still left in his head and was wearing the > time-and-disaster-worn apron of an employee. "Motoki!" > Usagi gasped to herself. That was the only chance she had > to look around before something walked in and grabbed her. Bisch: Oh, of *course*. It's demon rape scene time! All : Whee. > She turned around to see what it was that had grabbed > her and saw four creatures, vaguely humanoid, but with pointed > ears, ape-like features, and a long tail. The first one > wasted no time in ripping off her clothes. Mark: Good! Get this damn scene over with! > "Us makemonos get fucked by you humans all the time, > bitch. Bret: Never *once* in Overfiend have I seen a human be anything but demon fodder!! Nash: Yeah, and you know plenty about Overfiend... Bret: SHUT UP!! > Now let's see how you like it when it's the other > way around!" one of them yelled at her. Then she realized > what the tails were for. Space Godzilla: You know what I REALLY like about this fic? The clever dialouge. > One of the "tails" wasted no time entering her mouth, > and would probably have broken some teeth if her mouth hadn't > already been open from screaming. "Shut da fuck up." one > said as he put it in her mouth. Bisch: Y'know, every time I've been to New York it's been *exactly* like this. Space Godzilla: Shhh... you'll anger one of the Overlords. > She felt another one from behind ripping off her panties. > "I wanna be the first to taste it!" the creature said, and > brought his tongue down to the level of her snatch, gently > massaging her clitoris with it. She felt two other tails > playing with her tits, Mark: They were having a nice game of Trivial Pursuit. > and these seemed to have mouths that > were sucking on her nipples. Bret: You know, there was a point in time when I thought that Sailor Moon was just a harmless kid's show that stressed the virtues of love and friendship. Now, that image has been torn form my mind forever... [weeps] Bisch: We feel for you, buddy. > The sounds of rape attracted a makemono who was outside, > and all activity inside the center stopped when they heard a > jug of liquor drop. > "Buju!" one of them snapped. "Get your own girl. This > one is ours!" Gigan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Space Godzilla: What's wrong? Gigan: Evil... thought... must... banish... Ghidora: What is wrong? Gigan: Characters name... brought image... of... Majin Buu lemon... into... head... All: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW... > The big makemono with one red eye and bone covering his > face answered, "Don't be too sure about that. They're all > mine, and I intend to fuck them all!" > > * * * T O B E C O N T I N U E D * * * Nash: And I'll be waiting on the edge of my flippin' seat... Dinobot: So will I... All: NOT! %%%%%%%%%%%% Outside the theater, Bret set up a movie screen while Bisch put on a bus drivers cap. The others, with the exception of Dinobot, sat behind him as if they were passangers on a tour bus. Bret joined them, stock footage from the fic they had just finished reading appearing on the screen. "Welcome," Bisch said, "to the tour of Hell! Here, you'll get to see all the colorful and be-tentacled sights of the fiery underworld!" "Why yes," Gigan said, putting on his best tourist voice. "It's so evil! Oh look, there's Sailor Moon getting raped by tentacle demons. Oh, there she is again... and again... and again. It's just like... like... like..." Gigan broke down and wailed, "THE COMING OF MUNIHOUSEN! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Bisch and Space Godzilla looked around in surprise as everyone else cried, "You said... MUNIHOUSEN!" The wrestlers and Kaiju broke down into sobbing heaps (even Nash!) and Space Godzilla and Bisch sighed in unison. "Come on," Space Godzilla said, "look at you! Pull yourselves together! You call yourselves fighters?!" "Hey," Bisch threw in, "you guys survived Kefka. Let's keep our cool, alright?" The crying stopped and, with only the occasional sniffle, the skit continued. Suddenly Dinobot, with a sheriff's hat on his head, stomped in while making a siren noise. "Oh no," Nash said, "It is [awkward pause] the man." "Well, well, well," Dinobot sneered as he did an over-dramatic stage spit. "It appears as if I have troublemakers in my town." Bret looked at the movie screen... "Aren't you going to read us our rights?" Bisch asked as lamely as he could. Bret tapped Gigan on the shoulder and indicated the screen... "Rights?!" Dinobot asked incredulously. "You want ME to read you your RIGHTS?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Suddenly, Gigan spun around and exclaimed, "MAGIC VOICE! You were supposed to stop the footage when Dinobot pulled us over! How can we do a sketch when we have to watch... watch... C... C... COMING OF MUNIHOUSEN!" "You said... MUNIHOUSEN!" Once again, the group broke down and cried. Dinobot looked at Space Godzilla. Bisch just shrugged and grumbled, "I have never seen such unprofessionalism in my entire existence." Dinobot replied, "What about Starrcade?" "Shut up," Bisch growled. TITAN 13 The Rock, now clean and with a towel draped around the back of his neck, looked around cautiously. After making sure that Vince was not around, he turned to the viewscreen. "Look... I know this isn't normal procedure, but The Rock has something to say. I'm really sorry about this fic. The Rock knows that it's our job to send you bad stuff and torture you and all that, but... this went too far, I've gotta admit." "Rock?" Vince's voice called out, "I need you to hold the nails still for my gimmick exchange." Rocky grimaced and flexed his fingers. While Vince was an excellent promoter, his hammer skills left much to be desired. The Rock shouted back, "Be with you in a sec, Boss Man." He turned back to the screen and said, "Now, that skit you were doing, it was pretty damn funny. Now go on, play." SoN Space Godzilla, who was hugging Gigan and Ghidora, gave Rocky a dirty look and snapped, "Haven't you done enough?!" "You're just reminding Bret of what happened to Owen, anyway," Bisch said with a scowl. "OWEEEEEN!! You had a career once..." Bret sobbed. TITAN 13 Rocky looked chastised as he muttered, "The Rock's sorry. Specially 'bout the whole Owen thing... it was Vince's idea in the first place." Then he slinked off and terminated the transmission. SoN Bret, his eyes glistening with tears, looked up at Bisch and grabbed him in a crushing hug while crying, "Oh DADDY!" Bisch, struggling for breath, saw the commercial sign blinking and said, "Unfortunately, we'll be right back." As Bisch used his left hand to hit the commercial sign, he used his right to pat Bret on the shoulder softly. TO BE CONTINUED....