Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000 Post 104.5 "Sailor MiSTie vs. Dark Sonic" Original story by Michael D. Bilica, a.k.a. The West Virginian MiSTed by Alicia Ashby, a.k.a. Lynxara [Roll theme version 1.05] Guitar twang, and... [Open in the SON rec room. MARK, NASH, and BRET are present, sitting on the couch in front of the big screen TV. NASH is occupied munching on a large bowl of popcorn and sipping from a large martini glass full of a mysterious blue liquor. BRET is slumped against one of the sides of the couch, chin resting on his hand. MARK has the remote control, and is munching on cookies that are emerging from a small bag.] MARK: Mmm... have to love the Endless Chocolate kind... NASH: NO! I'm not sitting through any more of those damned Nerf commercials! Flip it to Nitro! MARK: Fine. [Mark taps a button on the television, and the channel changes.] BRET: Oh, look. A LWO spot. Watch me dance with joy. NASH: C'mon, it might not be so bad... EDDIE GUERRERO [on TV]: Bischoff's got no respect for us! He's got no respect for La Raza! MARK: Well, it's *Konnan*. Can you blame him? OTHERS: Shh! EDDIE GUERRERO [on TV]: Well, we'll MAKE him respect us! We are the LATINO WORLD ORDER, and if you're not with us, you're AGAINST us! BRET: Wait a minute... is it just me or are the lights flickering? MARK: You don't think... [Suddenly, the creepy, familiar sound of electrical distortion plays, followed by creepy, familiar theme music.] TONY SCHIAVONE [on TV]: Oh my GOD! That dark figure... up in the rafters... it's... it's CHAVO GUERRERO JUNIOR!! MIKE TENAY: He's... Yes, HE'S POINTING PEPE AT THE LWO! [The guys stare on at the television set in horror. At this point, Bischoff enters unobserved and pauses to stare at the television set.] BRET [stunned]: What was Eric thinking? NASH: Probably the same thing he was thinking when he made Dusty Rhodes a member of the NWO. BISCH: Nah, that was a dare Terry gave me after that we got all hopped up on tequila shooters. OTHERS: GAH! [Everyone immediately turns to look at Bischoff] MARK: You look entirely too pleased with yourself right now, little man. BISCH: I've got every reason in the world to be! *I've* finally found a way to cheer you guys up! BRET: What do you mean, cheer us up? BISCH: Look, ever since I've gotten back all you guys have been doing is moping around here and acting all burnt out after that Sonic fanfic Vince sent you... NASH: That was *not* just a Sonic fanfic, Eric... BISCH: I know, I know! But anyway, I was on the Internet a few minutes ago and I found something you guys would just *love*... MARK: Oh, really? And what's that? BISCH [proudly]: A Dark Sonic revenge-fic!! BRET: Revenge? You mean, somebody finally tears that little evil bastard apart?! BISCH [nods]: Yup! And give me a few seconds with our Web TV interface, and you guys can read it right here! [Beatific smiles dawn on everyone's faces] NASH: Oh, *cool*! MARK: Wait, we should see what's on Raw, first. I don't want to miss anything. [MARK hits a button on the controller, and...] ALL: AHHHHH!! GOLDUST!! MARK: Quick, Eric, get that fanfic going! [BISCH fiddles around with the console a little bit, eventually getting online and pulling up the fanfic. The lights in the Rec Room dim, and BISCH takes a seat on the couch next to NASH. And then, the fanfic begins...] >This is a revenge-fic. ALL [ecstatic]: YES!! >Basically, it's revenge against Kefka the Dark One >via the total destruction of his precious Dark Sonic. BISCH: Wait, wait, he's writing this to insult the author? Isn't that a little bit immature? BRET: Wasn't ASADAE a little bit immature? BISCH: Look, that's beside the point! MARK: 'Total destruction of Dark Sonic,' guys? You may be throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, here... >I'd like to say that >this is not intendeed as an insult towards Kefka in any way. [All begin coughing into their hands in a way that suspiciously sounds like 'Bullsh*t'] >And I'd like to >be in a hot tub with Sailor Mercury, NASH: Hey, who wouldn't? Of course, I think she'd have a lot more *fun* with Big Sexy... BRET: Whatever, Kevin. >but hey--let's be flippin' realistic. BISCH: Realistic? In an anti-fic? I'll believe it when I see it. > >A Sorcerer, A Demon, And Emeralds is property of Kefka the Dark One, and, as >always, he can keep it. ALL: YEAH!! > >Sonic the Hedgehog and all respective characters are copyright Sega of Japan, >Archie Comics, and DiC. NASH: All un-respective characters property of Mike Judge, John Kricfalusi, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone. > >Duke Nukem is copyright Apogee and 3D Realms. MARK: Duke? Oh, I smell hot bullet-ridden death for the *imposter* Lord of Darkness... BRET: This'll be great! > >Alucard is copyright Konami. NASH: Wait, the guy from 'Symphony of the Night'? Why would he be in this? BISCH: Well, a common theme of anti-fics is one of the author's favorite characters inexplicably showing up to slaughter the object of the author's hatred. It's the same reason why Duke is here. BRET: Yes! Maybe Alucard will unleash a 'Power of Sire' on Sonic's sorry butt! MARK: Or a 'Soul Steal'... I always did like that guy. > >Here we go... BISCH: Everyone got their beverages of choice? OTHERS: Yes, sir. BISCH: Does anyone have to go? Because I don't want to have to stop the fanfic because someone has to go. OTHERS: *Yes*, sir. BISCH: All comfy? OTHERS: YES, sir. BISCH: Then let the pointless slaughter commence! > >----------------------------------------------------------------------------- >This is just a divider. This is just a divider. This is just a divider. >----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL: GAH! BRET: That's... um... different. NASH: Thank God he told us that! Otherwise, I would've thought the fanfic got invaded by hordes of angry ants! > >Sonotroplis. > >Dark Sonic's citadel. MARK: Wow, seeing this really brings back the memories. Lingering, scarring, sure-to-leave-me-in-therapy memories. BISCH: Huh. So we have a generic evil city. No biggie. > >The hallway filled with paintings of sick rape scenes, to be exact. BRET: Now, now, it's not fair to call those rape scenes sick just because you find them morally offensive. I'm sure they're rife with profound meaning to the mind open enough to find it. BISCH: Bret, have you been sniffing highlighters again? NASH: Huh. They must be in the 'Over 18' anime section at Suncoast. MARK: Or any given lemon archive. > > Sailor MSTie looked around carefully to make sure nobody was around. ALL: Sailor WHAT?! BRET: What does Sailor *anything* have to do with ASADAE? MARK: Maybe Gonterman wrote this fic to gain vengeance for all the bad comparisons that Kefka invited. BISCH: MSTie... I'm sensing an otaku Senshi whose gimmick is being a fan of Mike and the Bots. NASH: That's... dumb. BISCH [Shrugs]: I dunno. Personally, I think you really can't get much dumber than the Sailor Stars... >He carried a bucket of glue and a brush with him. BRET: Looks like Sailor MSTie is another satisfied customer of ACME, Inc. MARK: Hmmm... some giant cartoon bombs would be a nice addition to the chaos. >Duke Nukem was right behind >him. NASH: Sailor MSTie's death was quick, but violent and spectacularly gory. With the fan senshi out of the way, Duke could finally get down to the business at hand: showing Dark Sonic 'creative' uses for a razor-sharp bayonet. MARK: I'd ask what on Raw, but I know it's not something I want to see. Goldust... [all shudder] >He could barely keep a straight face. BRET: Neither can I! Five lines in and we've already got someone catastrophically out of character! NASH : Oh, man... that Gallagher! BISCH: Duke is in cahoots with MSTie-boy... Guys, we've got a *self-insertion* otaku senshi on out hands. MARK: Look, I don't care *who's* in this as long as Dark Sonic *dies*. >Under his arm were several rolls >of paper. BRET : Printing out all those copies of the Starr report... what the hell was I thinking? >"Shhh," Sailor MSTie said to him, "If our pulse is too loud, we're >dead meat." NASH: A few seconds later, MSTie's blasted body hit the ground. Sadly, he had never known that a whisper was louder than his own pulse. BISCH: All right, enough with the 'kill the S-I' jokes. NASH: Aw, but they're fun! > Duke, still snickering, MARK: Duke Nukem, video game bad-ass, still giggling like a school-girl... >placed the paper on one of the paintings and >unrolled it. Sailor MSTie pasted it over the painting with the brush. BRET: Um, MSTie-boy... I hate to break this to you, but the glue goes on the *back* of what you're going to paste up... BISCH: Hey! This hallway of disgusting rape scenes clearly says 'post no bills!' NASH: *THRILL* as our intrepid heroes PUT UP POSTERS! MARK: Intense redecorating *action* ! >What >was once a scene of rape and torture was now a picture of Geoffrey St. John! BRET: And that's an improvement how? BISCH: Geoffrey St. John for Knothole City Council. >The two continued doing this until all the pictures of stuff only Kefka could >love had been replaced with pictures of Geoffery, NASH: What? What's the big deal with the skunk? BISCH: Well, remember how this is S-I? NASH: Yeah? BISCH: Well, we're dealing with a St. John worshiper here. BRET: Look, I'm not too happy with the way Sonic did him in, but that arrogant skunk getting offed was one of the few *good* points of ASADAE! MARK: So far, this 'bloody anti-fic' isn't turning out to be very gratifying for anyone but the author, Eric. BISCH: Ah... um... >including the piece de >resistance: Sonic shaking handws with Geoffery! MARK: Sad. Couldn't get more insulting than that? I mean, what about Geoffrey St. John standing triumphantly on top of the rubble of the Citadel with Sonic's bloody severed head on a pike? BRET: Well, that would be logical, which would be waaaay too easy. NASH: I don't see where the fish comes in... MARK: Silence. > Our heroes were just outside the citadel, BISCH: Hey! Hey! Look, *my* hero is Bill Gates. BRET: These guys are about as much 'our heroes' as the mighty Grey Fox was. >where Tibby II in his >trans-dimensional craft form, was waiting. They got in, and sped off into >another universe. NASH: Another universe? As in... another dimension? ALL: INTERGALACTIC PLANETARY!! >The second they did, they borst out laughing. MARK: LSD! Its hip, its fun! Ha! BISCH: 'Borst'? Isn't that some kind of soup? BRET: Hush. Somebody else has already done that one. >As soon as >SUke got enough breath back, he said, "Sonic's gonna love us for this!" NASH: Okay. Pardon me for asking, but WHO THE HELL IS SUKE?! MARK: Duke's evil little brother? BRET: Sounds like an Asian prostitute. BISCH: Man, Nukem's rapier wit is really shining through here. >"You know, we shouldn't have done that..." Sailor MSTie said, just before >cracking up again. "...BUT WE DID!!!" Nonstop laughter resumed. BRET: Okay, freeze frame and roll credits 70's sitcom style. NASH: Ha ha! What a wacky adventure they had! MARK: *Eric*, so far your gory anti-fic has consisted of an S-I otaku senshi and a ridiculously OOC video game character engaging in a weak attempt at *graffiti*. BISCH: Umm... well, maybe I should've read it first... > > Time passed. BRET: Stuff happened. The author didn't feel like writing about it. Let's move on. >Sailor MSTie and Duke Nukem had many more adventures. NASH : But that... is another story. MARK : Look around... tell me what you see-ee-ee... BISCH: Yeah, they went on to paint mustaches on the portraits in Skeletor's castle and break the windows in Dr. Claw's headquarters. >A new warrior, a man named Adrian Tepes, a.k.a. Alucard, joined them. MARK: It was either work with them or end up prostituting himself in Transylvania's red light district. BISCH: And so, Alucard too was held hostage by Sailor MSTie's fiendish Aura of Smooth. BRET: So you got a skinny vampire guy running around in face paint and spouting pretentious crap! NASH: I can just see it: The One Vampire Nation. >The >three of them had very little to do at the time. MARK: So they sat around and watched reruns of the Real World, arguing about Puck getting kicked out. BISCH: Maybe that has something to do with how *nothing* is *happening* in this fanfic. >The West Virginian was at >the computer, BRET: Just *one guy* in the whole state? Man, I'm glad we have *provinces* where I come from. Makes a lot more sense. NASH: Yeah, just like your stupid little 'value-added' tax. BRET: Shut up. >finishing up with the last part of the MiST of ASADAE. BISCH: Well, look on the bright side, guys: he's a fan of our work! MARK: You mean *our* work. NASH: Nice to know he's having so darn much fun reading about *our* suffering. BRET: Look, look, if he eventually smites Sonic then it'll all be okay. >All of a >sudden, his face darkened with rage, and he looked like he was going to put a >hole in the computer screen. BISCH : Damn you and your general protection faults, Netscape! DAAAAMN YOUUUU!! >Instead, he looked to the heavens and gave a >scream of rage. "SONIC *WON?!*" NASH: To which God responded, "SHUT THE HELL UP!" MARK: Well, for once, I can sympathize with MSTie-boy. > As soon as Duke and Adrian heard this, they rushed in. BRET: After all, pleasing Sailor MSTie was at the very core of their existence! >Duke saw the >end of ASADAE, and got even more P.O.ed. "DAMN YOU, KEFKA!!!" BISCH: Yeah, I heard about those endnotes. [shudders] > Adrian did his best to calm them down. NASH : YO, ADRIAN!! MARK: Just *had* to get that out of your system, huh? NASH: Yeah. >"Gentlemen, gentlemen, don't >lose your tempers! Can't we just enter the fanfic and fight Sonic?" BRET : Can't we just make a balloon and fly away with our Lucky Charms? BISCH: Wouldn't physical violence involve losing your temper? MARK: Details, details. >"I wish," Duke replied. "Sonic's more powerful than Goku, Sephiroth, *AND* >Ming put together!" NASH: Goku and Sephiroth I can see, but Ming's a freaking jobber! An *old* jobber! BRET: I dunno, if Sonic pulled out the ever-so-deadly *Tongan Death Grip*... >"But that's not as powerful as any given Author Avatar, right?" MARK: Oh, yeah... give Dark Sonic to *Oscar*! Let Martinez show him exactly what you do with a 'love piston'... BISCH: That's *evil*! >The West Virginian's face brightened up. "Hey, yeah! I don't have to put up >with this! I'm self-inserted, and the author is on my side!" [Stunned silence] NASH: Oh... my... God... MARK : This is your *gory*, *cathartic* anti-fic, huh, Eric? NASH: It wouldn't be the first time he sold us on something being cool, that was anything but. BISCH: I... please don't hurt me... BRET: Oh, so Self-Insertion boy thinks he's too good to watch the fourth wall, huh?! So you're not even going to *pretend* like you're doing anything but pointless self-gratification?! WELL, YOU DECIDED TO THROW DOWN WITH THE WRONG GUY!! [BRET stands, and discards his coat in anger] You're going to get riffed by *me*, MSTie, and then you'll know the true meaning of the EXCELLENCE OF EXECUTION!! Because I'm the best there *is*, the best there *was*, and... NASH: Actually, most people think Kazei Five is better. BRET [pauses, and then sits down]: Shut up. >He grabed the >MST3K logo amulet on his chest. "MOVIE RIFFING POWER!!!" MARK: At that moment men with white coats ran in and carted his ass off to Arkham. BISCH: Has this character ever actually MSTed anything, especially a movie? BRET: Well... no. BISCH: Has his creator? BRET: Well... no. BISCH: Then exactly how does MSTie have 'Movie Riffing Power?' BRET: Uh... osmosis? >he shouted, and in >an elaborate cinema, became the avenger of those who read bad fanfics, Sailor >MSTie! NASH: I needed avenging? Why doesn't anyone *tell* me these things? MARK: Lovely... a male henshin sequence was just the image I needed in my mind. BISCH: Urk... body lines... > Alucard raised his sword high into the air, and swung it slowly in a >circle. MARK : BY THE POWER OF GREY... dammit, that's been used. >As he did, his clothes slowly transformed into pitch-black armor and >a flowing cape. NASH: VAMPIRE FLASH! BRET: No, no, no! Male henshin is *BAD*! >Duke simply grabbed his guns and loaded them. Tibby II was >way ahead of them; he ran outside and became an inter-dimensional craft ALL: INTERGALACTIC PLANETARY!! >before Sailor MSTie was done transforming. Everyone piled inside, BISCH : Moooom! Alucard's in my space! MARK : Am not! BISCH : Are too! >and set off >for what would be their toughest battle ever. NASH: A barbed wire cage match with Mick Foley? BRET: An Iron Man match? BISCH: War Games? MARK: Watching the main event of Starrcade 97? [all shudder at the memory] > > Duke whipped out his chaingun cannon. ALL: NOOOOOOO!! NASH: Never heard it called *that* before! >Dark Sonic stood above a random >Neo Freedom Fighter's body. BRET: Look, it's Ensign Throwaway! BISCH: You sure? Doesn't look like him. BRET: Well, he's wearing a Zoot. But trust me, I'd know Ensign Throwaway *anywhere*! BISCH: Well, it's nice to hear he's still getting work. >"Well," he said, "Who's next?" ALL [hum Bill Goldberg's intro music] >"Come and get some, rodent=boy!" Duke said, stepping forward. MARK: So 'rodent' equals 'boy'? NASH: Does in Sailor MSTie's case. >He fired at >Sonic, who easily dodged and cast Fire 3 on Duke. Duke collapsed, his body >covered in burns. MARK: Oh, yes, Sonic is *soooo* getting his ass kicked... [BISCH scoots away and whimpers] >Alucard pulled him aside and summoned the Fairy Familiar to >heal him. NASH: So Richard Simmons has magical powers? BRET: Sure, what do you think makes people buy his videos? >Alucard drew his sword and took a fighting stance. "Your ego shall >be your downfall!" he said. MARK : Now hold still while I continue posturing and lecturing! NASH [glancing at Eric]: Words of warning. BISCH: What? >He pointed his sword at Sonic, and a fireball >shot out of it.Sonic was hit dead center. ALL [save Eric, Ric Flair-style] WHOOOO! BISCH: Super Mario grimly stared down at his opponent. "You knew this battle was destined from the beginning," he said. >Alucard took the opportunity to >rush him and slash him in the torso. NASH: And then Sonic's intestines fall out, and he slowly and horribly bleeds to death! >'Thank you." Sonic said, lapping up the >blood. NASH: ... or not. MARK : You're welcome! Here, have another! BISCH: Oh, ewwww! BRET: Oh, come on, it's just a little blading! >Alucard was too disgusted to do anything. NASH: So what does this *vampire* drink , skim milk and Hi-C? MARK: Ah, characterization. >Sonic cast Ultima, and >both warriors were knocked twenty feet onto their backs. BISCH: Sonic detonated small nuclear bomb, and both warriors were knocked back twenty feet onto their backs. BRET: Yeah, I'm sure the Fairy Familiar had a ruler handy and measured. >Sonic calmly walked >up to Alucard, tore off his breast plate, and began licking his chest. [ALL stare at screen in horror] NASH: It's a *lemon* now?!! MARK: Bischoff, you *will* REST IN PEACE... BISCH: I didn't know! I didn't know! >Alucard screamed. "MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!" BRET: I'm glad somebody said it. NASH: Watch as our hero whimpers at the sight of blood! MARK: Our *vampire* hero. > > "Computer, end program." a voice said. NASH: Patrick Stewart? >The world around them >shimmered, and was replaced with the walls of Tibby II's Holocabana. BISCH: Geez, is there *anybody* who doesn't shamelessly rip off that shtick now? [The guys suddenly look a bit uncomfortable...] >Sailor >MSTie had seen the two battling, and was shaking his head in disgust. BRET: Just like the blood-starved and highly disappointed audience! NASH: BA-DA-BING! >"You >can't beat him like that! He's too powerful! He'll crush you like Marissa >crushed the Trakce!" MARK: Oh, if only I had a few of those lovely hair ribbons now... BISCH: What for? MARK: They wouldn't leave any identifying marks on the body. [BISCH begins frantically scooting away from MARK...] >Duke rolled on his stomach and pushed himself off the floor. NASH : ... wuh... wuh... ONE! I did it! >"All right, if >you're so smart, then how do we beat him?" BRET : And most importantly, would there be more money in that than in joining him? >"Alucard was right. His ego *will* be his downfall. MARK [smirks]: Physician, heal thyself. NASH: Or it'll be his way of having a stranglehold on sports entertainment for all eternity. BRET: Oh, I *know* how you feel. BISCH: Yeah, you're both just bitter that I found a World Champion more interesting than both of you two put together! MARK: And almost half as cool as me. BISCH: You go right on believing that, dead man. MARK: Oh, I won't be the only one for long... [BISCH decides to shut up.] > We just have to get him >really mad, and he'll o berserk and leave himself wide open!" BRET: Such brilliant, original strategy! My God, that Sailor MSTie is a devious bastard! MARK: Yeah, and the Warrior is a mysterious master of the human game of chess that *is* pro-wrestling. NASH: 'Wide open'? Man, I saw enough of Sonic leaving himself 'wide open' the first time... BISCH: And I'm sure it'll be *real* easy to piss off something with all the arrogance of Sonic the Hedgehog and all the power of a demi-god. >"But what if he casts Ultima?" Alucard asked, standing up. NASH: It'd be a nice change of pace from casting Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in everything. BRET: Wow. For once, we agree. >Sailor MSTie pulled out a small box. BISCH : I love you both! Will you marry me? >"Inside this box is our secret weapon. >If he starts chanting, use it on him!" NASH: Cool... if that's a box full of Pokemon, this is gonna kick ass! [The others begin giggling helplessly as Nash suddenly looks a mite embarrassed...] MARK: *Pokemon*?! Of all the anime to like, you pick *Pokemon*?! BISCH: Oh, that explains where all of our AA batteries have been getting to... been spending a lot of time on the Gameboy, Kevin? BRET [Giggles]: Yeah, I'll be sure to get that Pikachu plushie for you for Christmas... NASH: I... umm... [Suddenly, his face contorts into rage] PICKACHU, I SUMMON YOU! [Nash promptly nails Bret with his 'foot-to-the-throat' choke move. After a little scuffling, Mark manages to break them up.] BRET [wheezing]: Well, that was move number three of about five, correct? NASH: Yeah, you just keep on goin', Moonie-boy... MARK: Will you two shut up, or will I be forced to smite you both? [NASH and BRET glare at each other a little, then grudgingly take their seats] MARK: That's what I thought. > > Finally, they arrived at their destination: the ASADAE universe. NASH: And that was in another dimension? BISCH: I believe so... ALL: INTERGALACTIC PLANETARY!! MARK: And then came the Anti-Monitor, who destroyed all in his path. Only the sacrifice of Barry Allen and sheer might and kick-assness of Golden Age Superman could defeat him. BRET: Eh, I liked the John Byrne version better. >Tibby II came to a halt high above the Great Forest, where Dark Sonic was >throttling the Neo Freedom Fighters. MARK: Now, now, we've got to watch continuity... he was beating up the Returners, too. NASH: Well, the half-assed ASADAE Returners. BRET: Yeah, but you really have to wonder how an organization headed up by a mighty warrior like Snively could fail. >"Well," Sailor MSTie said, "This is it. >No turning back now. You all know what to do." BISCH: Let's hit 'em hard and fast! MARK: If we go out, we're gonna go out fightin'! NASH: We'll take the bastards with us! BRET: YO JOE!! >"Let's GET IT ON!!!" Duke said, and Tibby II came down low over the battle. NASH: Mills Lane *IS* Duke Nukem in 'Referee of Destruction!' BISCH: Actually, I'd take Mills Lane over Duke Nukem in a fight. [The others nod in agreement] >Everyone looked up at the odd craft. MARK: Macrame? BRET: Needlepoint? NASH: Noodle sculpture? BISCH: Using old tissues to stuff pillows? [Everyone stares at Eric] BISCH: What? >Our heroes leapt out and made heroic >poses. MARK: We're Liefeld characters now! BRET : I am the mis-written warrior of mass destruction, Duke Nukem!! NASH : I am the usually dark and edgy but currently kinda wimpy warrior of the night, Alucard!! BISCH : And I have the power of riffing by osmosis! I am Sailor MSTie! ALL: HUZZAH!! "We're next--and last," Alucard said. MARK : But first and foremost, we're the chosen favorites of the Author! So you don't stand a *chance*! > >"And just who are you worms?" Sonic said. BRET: Well, they're certainly not the Diet of Worms! BISCH: Or Earthworm Jim! NASH: Yeah, but I'd love to see Peter Puppy go psycho on Sonic... > >Sailor MSTie stepped forward. MARK: ... and immediately belted out a beautiful rendition of Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On.' BRET: Ooh, that's a good way to kill somebody. MARK: Hey... >"I am Sailor MSTie! AN dthese are my allies, >Alucard and Duke Nukem! BISCH : Everybody 'hai'! ALL: HAI!! >And we dare you to take all three of us on at the >same time!" NASH : Six man tag-team action *LIVE* TONIGHT, ON TNT! BRET: Oh, *look*! Sailor MSTie figured out that group attacks might just be effective against Sonic! Man, I haven't seen a character this resourceful since MacGuyver himself! > >"Ha! You are fools to stand against me! I won't bother!" > >"All right, if you concede defeat..." > >"I AM NOT CONCEDING DEFEAT!!!" [There is much groaning and gnashing of teeth] MARK: Remember back in ASADAE part six, when we noticed that Dark Sonic was really kind of not-bright to be the dictator of a planet? NASH: Yeah? MARK: I can't believe I'm saying this, but he actually got *worse* here. BISCH: Well, nobody can really stay intact when faced with an Author Avatar's incomparable Aura of Smooth. BRET: To paraphrase, "This is Sailor MSTie's story, and he can push around the inferior supporting cast members if he wants." > >Perfect, Sailor MSTie thought. He's mad already. NASH: Well, how could a plan this complex and ingenious fail? > >"All right...but you fight one at a time!" > >"But if you're so powerful you should be able to beat us all at once!" > >"Hmph! Have you no sense of honor?" Our heroes replied by making chicken >sounds. [All face-fault, then get back on the couch] BRET: I don't believe this... the way Sonic is written in this thing is starting to make me *miss* Kefka! BISCH: Really? BRET: Well... no, actually, but I still can't believe Sonic actually got *dumber*. MARK: [kung-fu movie dubbed voice] You have dishonored me. Bawk bawk. NASH : Hey there, Boo, what's the matter with you? You don't act like the other chickens do... >"All right, I'll crush you all a the same time! I've never had an >orgy before!" BISCH: Didn't you guys say Dark Sonic was the most evil, perverse character in existence? OTHERS: Yeah? BISCH: Then wouldn't he have already had a *lot* of experience in the orgy department? BRET: Thanks for making us think about that, Eric. BISCH: Look, I was just asking a question! > > All of a sudden, a ring announcer appeared. "In this corner, weighing >in at a combined weight of roughly 650 pounds, mah boys, Sailor MSTie, Duke >Nukem, and Adrian 'Alucard' Tepes!" NASH: I always knew Michael Buffer was a hell spawn. BISCH: That would explain how he gets me to pay him so much for about five minutes of work a week... >Wild cheers and applause came from the >Neo Freedom Fighters. BRET: The three or so that hadn't tried to kill Dark Sonic or gotten caught in the crossfire... >"And in this corner, Dark Sonic." Sailor MSTie opened >some canned laughter., thus irritating Sonic even more. MARK : Sonic isn't the only one... laugh tracks are the tools of Satan! >He cast Fire 3, >sending a fireball at Sailor MSTie. NASH: I always thought the most powerful fire spell in FF3 would be a bit more impressive than just shooting a fireball. BISCH: Well, now you know better. >But our hero did a handstand on his Pixie >Staff, [The guys begin laughing. A lot.] BRET: Oh, man... when you're self-inserted and *still* can't get a cooler weapon than a... [pauses to laugh] ... *Pixie Staff*... MARK [shakes his head]: It's kind of sad, really. NASH: Now, guys, I'm sure Sailor MSTie gets *hours of enjoyment* out of his *Pixie Staff*... >and the flames sailed harmlessly under him. BISCH: Um... sure. A spell that causes the screen in FF7 to explode with fiery death, and MSTie dodges with his gymnastic skills. Uh-huh. >"What's the matter, >Sonic?" he taunted. "Can't you beat someone who can defend himself?" BRET : Actually, that's what I *excel* at, which might be why I'm having such a hard time with you... MARK: Enough with the taunting, MSTie! Just deep-fry the hedgehog and let's get this over with! > Sonic cast Ice 3 at Duke. NASH: Vanilla Ice, Ice Cube, and Ice T! BISCH: Now let's watch as Duke does a handstand on his gun and dodges it! >"Oh no! I feel faint!" Duke said >sarcastically. BRET: "Oh, look, it's supposed to be funny!" Bret said sarcastically. > He pretended to faint, anf the ice bolt passed over him. [There is much more groaning and gnashing of teeth] BISCH: Come on! That's like 'fainting' and letting a blizzard pass harmlessly over you! MARK: Someone's going to fend off a Lit 3 spell with a light bulb before this is over, I can feel it... >"I'm >sorry for fainting," Duke said, "But I'm just a 'mere' mortal!" NASH: I think the author has his Dukes confused. I bet this is the Duke of York instead of Duke Nukem. BRET: I wish that was true too, Kevin. > Sonic was getting REALLY mad now. He drew his sword and bum-rushed >them. ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! BISCH: That is a *bad* use for a sword! Bad, bad, BAD! >Alucard met him halfway, and they engaged in swordplay. MARK: At this time we would like to proudly announce the engagement of Adrian Tepes and Sonic Hedgehog. The ceremony will be Jewish and held approximately six months from now at the Mobius Temple. >Alucard yawned. NASH: Alucard's never really himself until he's had his morning pot of coffee. >"Keep this up," he said, "And one of us just might start to break a sweat in >a few minutes!" BRET: Keep this up, story, and I may be forced to break the TV in a few minutes. BISCH: BLASPHEMER! Threaten not the sacred RCA wide-screen! > > This continued for severaal minutes. MARK: Well, did they break a sweat? Come on, story, don't leave me hanging here... >Finally, Sonic couldn't take it >anymore, and began to chant Ultima. NASH: Yeah! Kill Sailor MSTie! BRET: ... wait a minute, here! I thought we wanted Dark Sonic dead!! NASH [blinks]: You're right. How could I forget? BISCH: I think it was the Pixie Staff that did it for me. >"Secret weapon!" Sailor MSTie said to >Alucard. MARK: Once Alucard gets those Scooby Snacks, it's all over. >He went inside Tibby II, and came out holding the box. He opened it, >and found a small gas grenade and three gasmasks. BRET [shaking his head]: The Sandman is not going to be pleased about this. NASH : Before the tracking collar can be placed on his ear, Dark Sonic must be first put to sleep. >He put one on, tossed the >other two to Sailor MSTie and duke, and threw the grenade at Sonic. BISCH : One... two... FIVE! MARK : Three, sir! BISCH : THREE! >Thick >yellow gas spewed out. BRET [sighs]: Sailor MSTie just had to try the lentil soup, huh? >When it did, Sonic's voice suddenly became totally >garbled, and he couldn't finish the spell. Nobody in the crowd could keep a >straight face. NASH: Sonic had been hit with Dusty Rhodes gas! BISCH : Now ah will be foaced to use mah Ul-teema as the Coop day gray when ah stomp a mudhole in ya. >Duke and Alucard just looked at Sailor MSTie, puzzled. He gave >them a smirk. MARK: Urge... to kill... rising... BRET: Sailor MSTie, Adam Chris Leigh, and DJ Croft: Separated at birth? NASH: Now, DJ's not that bad when you get out of the first season. BISCH: Um... sure, Nash. >"It's Dr. Thinker Gas--Patent Pending," he said. "Anyone who >inhales it loses all control over their vocal chords. MARK: And that's our joke, ladies and gentlemen! Enjoy the buffet! Good night! BRET: Exactly how would this be effective? Sure, Thinker's spelling and grammar are mind bending, but you can usually pull his original idea out of his stories, and it's usually a pretty good one. At best, this would just make Sonic sound kind of funny before the *effective idea* behind his chanting activated the Ultima and annihilated them. NASH: You are thinking about this *waaay* too hard. >Sonic inhaled it, so he can't talk..." BISCH: Actually, wouldn't Thinker gas just ruin his ability to type, anyway? BRET: My point exactly! This couldn't possibly work! NASH: Quit analyzing this thing! You're making my head hurt! >"...So he can't chant, any spells, let alone Ultima!" Alucard finished, >grinning. MARK : That idea's so dumb, it amuses me! > Sonic cursed in Thinker, ALL : POOPIE! >and ran off into the Great Forest. Sailor >MSTie just watched him run, BISCH: See Sonic run. Run, Sonic, run. >then raised his staff skyward. "I call upun the >power of ther bad fanfic!" he said. BRET: INCOMPETENT SPELLING!! NASH: LAUGHABLE GRAMMAR!! MARK: INSIPID PLOT!! BISCH: By your powers combined, I am *Sailor MSTie*!! >"PLOT CONTRIVANCE ACTIVATION!" ALL: WEAK JOKE ACTIVATION! >A beam of >light shot down from the sky into his body, then shot out again in an arc >into the Forest. BRET : Whew! Am I glad to be out of *there*! >The light hit the ground right in front of Sonic. When it >faded, a very familiar, very mad Mobian stood before him. Sonic looked on in >horror. NASH: It was Princess Sally with hedge-clippers and all the equipment necessary to give a concrete enema! >He tried to say that this person was dead, but the Dr. Thinker Gas >prevented him. MARK: No, no, that's the 'stuttering in horror' cliche. You know, "It... it can't be! I killed you! I KILLED YOU!" >The Mobian who stood before him was Geoffrey St. John. ALL : Oh. >Geoff calmly drew a >white arrow from his quiver, stretched it into his bow, and fired it at the >Dark Emerald, shattering it. BISCH: Gee, I never knew Emeralds were that fragile, let alone supernatural evil ones. NASH [laughs]: Yeah, so Sonic carries around the source of all his power strapped to his chest where it makes a nice, easy target. MARK: When did Sonic ever carry around the Chaos Emerald, period?! I don't remember ever even *seeing* it after part one! BRET: That's because, if you have the power of a Chaos Emerald, you absorb the Emerald and it becomes part of you. Well, that's the way it was in Aaron Lye's "Of Foxes and Sorcery", which pretty much everybody rips off constantly. MARK: So there's no way in hell any of this could be happening. BRET: Well, yeah, but that's never stopped anti-fic authors before. >A scream of agony and defeat filled the Forest. MARK: For the tortured wrestlers had finally realized just how ripped-off they were. NASH: Talk about it! No blood, no guts, just huge amounts of *Sailor MSTie*... BISCH: Guys, I'm *really* sorry about this... if I had any idea... BRET: Well, your heart was in the right place. MARK: And I do have to admit that loathing Sailor MSTie has made the Kefkafic hurt slightly less. >Everybody ran to the source, and were quite amazed to see a blue Sonic lying >on the ground, and Geoffery just standing there, smiling, and alive. NASH: A happy ending?! An *anti-fic* with a happy ending?! MARK: NO! I WANT THAT HEDGEHOG DEAD! DEAD AND IN PIECES, I TELL YOU! PIECES!! BISCH: Can I apologize for this again? BRET: Great... Sonic is magically better now that the Emerald's gone, even though the Emerald wasn't mind controlling him! And *Geoffrey's* back too! Why, bring in Antoine and this ending will just be *perfect*! >Everyone but Sailor MSTie, that is. NASH: We know, story. He's God here. Just get this thing over with. > > That night, a massive celebration was being held in the Great Forest. MARK: And *nobody* throws raging keggers like the Freedom Fighters! >It was quite similar to the final scene of Return of the Jedi, BISCH: And why, you ask? Well, why write a new scene when there's a perfectly good one lying around out there that you can use? >complete with >the ghosts of the original characters before Kefkarization looking at Sailor >MSTie and Co., and smiling. BRET: And so, the Sonic cast finally gets around to praising the glory of Sailor MSTie and his intrepid friends. MARK: Good thing they're probably used to this by now. NASH: Well, it's about time for Sailor MSTie to join up with the Knight Sabers and score with the Senshi of his choice... >Sailor MSTie smiled back, about as happy as >someone who makes a living fighting bad fanfics can feel. BISCH: Never riffed anything, huh? BRET: Nope. BISCH: Ah. Just checking. >But his happiness >was short-lived, because he knew there was a worse fanfic somewhere out >there...there's always a worse one. NASH: Well, yeah! I thought ASADAE was pure crap... and then I read *this*! BRET: Look, it wasn't nearly that bad... but I was never under the impression that I was going to *enjoy* ASADAE... BISCH: I said I was sorry! MARK: Yes, Sailor MSTie, enjoy yourself while you... for someday *I* will find you, and show you how you *really* do anti-fics... >----------------------------------------------------------------------------- >This is just a divider. This is just a divider. This is just a divider. >----------------------------------------------------------------------------- NASH [panicking]: NO! The ants! The rabid ants are back, and they're gonna devour my flesh!! BRET: No, Kevin! Read the text, it's just a divider! NASH: I... oh. Hey, yeah. Thank God for disclaimers, huh? > >Well, that's it. ALL: THANK GOD! >Kefka, consider this a form of criticism. BISCH: Well, yeah, it sure as heck not a *story* or anything. MARK: No plot, no characterization... I can see that. BRET: Are we bitter? You betcha! >If you hated my >revenge-fic, then we're even. NASH: Then I'd consider us even. >Send all questions and comments to westvirginian@hotmail.com. BISCH: Okay, guys, what would you write to the West Virginian? BRET: "Dear West Virginian: While I am pleased that you possess the moral fiber to seek the triumph of good against evil, I would advise that you cease doing so in such a contrived and vaguely irritating manner. Yours truly, Bret 'The Hitman' Hart." NASH: "Dear West Virginian: I urge you to seriously reconsider your Avatar's weapon, the Pixie Staff. Pixie anything has no place in anti-fics. Thank you. Sincerely, 'Big Sexy the Giantkiller' Kevin Nash." MARK: "Dear West Virginian: I would advise you to lock your doors at night, and pray that God has mercy upon your doomed soul..." BISCH: HEY! MARK: Sorry, sorry, just never got that urge to see death out. > >"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive." MARK [smirks]: That's highly debatable. BRET: But look on the bright side, guys! We made it out of the fanfic alive! NASH: Didn't we read this willingly, though? [As the lights go on and the fanfic stops, everyone ponders this point.] BRET: Yeah... it's kind of depressing to know that someone could write a Dark Sonic anti-fic that *we* couldn't enjoy. BISCH: Ten bucks says this was all just an elaborate scheme by Vince to get us to read more fanfiction. When you want to do it and you don't like what you get, it hurts even worse! NASH: I'm never reading one of those things again if I don't have to! BRET: Look, they're not all bad. MARK: Well, regardless of what *that* particular fanfic was like, I *still* have a thirst for destruction that must be quenched. [Everyone begins nervously edging away from MARK] MARK: I didn't mean that literally. [Everyone relaxes.] MARK: However, I think a good virtual reality session is in order for all of us. BRET: Oh, I get it... we're going to kill Dark Sonic ourselves! MARK [grinning]: Better than that. NASH: Then... we're gonna kill Sailor MSTie! *Cool*! MARK: No, even better than that. BISCH: Then who are we going to kill, then? MARK: We're going to smite Sailor MSTie *and* Dark Sonic! That way, we will be completely avenged! And, it's all just holographic, so no one really gets hurt. NASH: Yeah!! A real-life anti-fic! BRET: After all, what's a good revenge-fic but mindless video game violence turned into text? BISCH: I don't know about that, guys... that seems awfully immature. NASH: *WE'RE* awfully immature! And we *like* it! MARK: Now then... to the Holocabana, gentlemen! BRET & NASH: To the Holocabana! [MARK, BRET, and NASH all stand up and exit the rec room.] BISCH: Hmph. Missing wrestling for video games. What are they thinking? [BISCH fiddles with the Web TV console on the television, switching it back to the broadcast feed. Then, he sits down, picks up the remote, and flips it to Nitro.] BISCH: All right! A *Scott Steiner* spot! PWOOSH!! ___________________________________________________________ BORING STUFF: Virtually nothing used in this MiSTing belongs to me. The wrestling personalities used within are the copyright and trademark of WCW, WWF, and themselves. Mystery Science Theater is TM & C Best Brains. The original fanfic is the property of Michael D. Bilica, a.k.a. the West Virginian. No licenses are given or implied in the making of this MST fan fiction, and I certainly won't profit off of it. Please, for the love of God, don't sue me. I'm too poor to make legal action worth your while. ;) NO OFFENSE IS INTENDED towards Michael D. Bilica, a.k.a. the West Virginian. Consider this MiSTing to be a humorous form of C & C, all done in good fun. No insult is intended or implied. NO OFFENSE IS INTENDED towards Navonod R. Sumaj, the author who MiSTed this fanfic first. My second MiSTing should in no way be seen as an insult to his work; I simply wanted to try my hand at this fanfic. As always, no insult is intended of implied. LYNX'S NOTES: Finally finished something! If you're wondering about the odd numbering, it's because I did this after post 105 was 75% finished. I decided to do this fanfic on a whim after The West Virginian requested a Mach 2 MiSTing of it done. How could I refuse? Thanks in the making of this fanfic go out first to Katone nar Hlass, who gave up his Mach 2 dibs to let me do it and further my obsession with all things Kefka. I'd also like to thank all the MWT fans who've sent me criticism and comments about my series. And, last of all, I'd wish to thank some fellow MST authors who have started making nods to this series in their own works, a list that includes but may not be limited to Nightbreak, Mike Surbrooks, Rob C. Bungie, Blazej Szpacowicz, and my occasional co-writer Jamie Jeans. Thanks for the free plugs, guys! For post 105, expect to see a double feature... some rants by our old friend the Ultimate Warrior coupled with a fic called "3:16 RULSZ!" by someone called Oracle. This fic must be seen to be believed. Oh, and did I mention that this post is a team-up with someone called Megane 6.7? I think he's done a MiSTing or two that's posted up somewhere.... Work on post 106 has already commenced as well... the Triple Threat will return, and the guys will riff apart two fics that AAA fans will be very interested in! Special guest stars Alexander Misamoto and Ryan will help riff 'The Death of Samantha Jones', the self insertion anti-fic that spawned Oni; and 'The Endless Night', a self-insertion by none other than Kefka the Dark One. Speaking of which, my end notes are getting awfully long... Until next time, thanks, and keep circulating the fics! E-mail C & C to: lynxara@hotmail.com ________________________________________________________________________ >The West Virginian's face brightened up. "Hey, yeah! I don't have to put up >with this! I'm self-inserted, and the author is on my side!"