Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, final round! 'A Sorcerer, a demon, and Emeralds' WRITTEN BY: Kefka the Dark One MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a Lynxara CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt! CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie Lynx's note: Kefka goes back into the territory he entered in part three with this one, people... read at your own risk! JB's note: In fact... read it anyway! We worked our butts off for this for you people, so you'd better read it! We risked our sanity! Or what's left of it... Jolt's notes. Be nice JB... or else I'll put ya in that full nelson again. Enjoy loyal readers! ________________________________________________________________________ Bret staggered into the SON main bridge, hoping he looked better than he felt. He'd been spending a lot of time talking to Samantha in the kitchen lately, as that was the only time he could get any privacy in the Satellite's cramped living conditions. And while waking up with Samantha in his arms *had* been nice, the kitchen chairs were stinking uncomfortable. However, Bret wasn't going to let the fact that Vince was a cheap bastard ruin today. This was a special occasion, after all... the ending of that damn Sonic story! As such, Bret had ordered everyone on the Satellite to come in formal dress for this one. Currently, he was in a tuxedo, with his hair pulled back. He heard the other guys walk onto the bridge a few minutes later. Everyone had complied with his request on clothing, even Ryan. Oddly enough, though, the teenager was the only one in the group who looked the least bit happy. "*I* won. Therefore, I'm your superior, and you have to do it," Ryan grinned triumphantly. "No!" the losers shouted back in unison. "That wasn't part of the deal!" Steve added in sulkily. "What *else* do you do for someone who's your superior? Just *do* it," Ryan commanded (well, at least as well as you can command a bunch of guys twice your size). "No!" Nash shouted. "*I've* had more world titles than you've had pieces of ass!" "So has Chris Benoit," Bret added sardonically. Mark quickly seized on Bret as the de facto authority on the ship to resolve the question. "Bret, does this kid being our supposed superior mean that we have to bow before him?" he growled. "I think that's perfectly reasonable. That, and my title," Ryan countered. "He *did* beat you guys," Bret said. Steve glared back at him. "Oh, like *you* really care! You scored last night anyway!" Nash shook his head and sighed to himself. "Sooner or later, somebody's really gonna have to tell him about Samantha." "I'm just wondering, Kevin... how do you breathe? Does your brain have an auto pilot function? Because you really don't seem to be the type who could multi-task..." Mark trailed off. Bret almost attempted to explain what actually happened last night, before a combination of realizing how futile it would be and sheer male ego stopped him. He decided to let the guys think what they wanted to. "Look, I think what Ryan is asking you three to do is fair, so just go ahead and get it over with." "Yes... it's time to BOW BEFORE ME! BWAHAHAHAHA!!" "Yes, *Ryan*," the irate wrestlers growled as they kow-towed. "Ryan *what*?" "Ryan-megamisama," they added through gritted teeth. "Um... why are the guys calling Ryan their goddess?" a feminine voice quietly whispered in Bret's ear. He started, and then nearly sprouted the cliché anime nosebleed when he saw it was Samantha... ... in an *amazing* black evening gown. Samantha smiled when she got the desired reaction. "I'm sorry it took me so long. These things are nearly impossible to put on." "I'll take your word for it," he replied rather lamely. Of course, that wasn't nearly as embarrassing as what he was really thinking... "Guys, that's enough," Bret said in an attempt to reclaim his composure. "If I'm correct, it's about time for Mr. and the former Mrs. Laupin to be calling." On cue, the incoming post klaxons went off, and the Viewscreen lit up as it received the transmission from Titan 13. As usual, Vince McMahon and Rocky Maivia were standing in front of the Deus Ex Machina. T 13 and the Rock's treasured Intercontinental title had been fully repaired since last week's attack. "Good morning, Public Enemy," Vince grinned at them. "Hiya, Vince," Bret replied brightly. Vince's evil grin faded a bit as he saw a distinct lack of fear in his charge's faces. In fact, the Hitman appeared to be pulling out a bottle of chilled champagne and a pair of glasses. "Tell me, what's with the penguin suits?" Vince began suspiciously. "Look, Evil Underpants, this is the last part of ASADAE. You can never *possibly* show any of us a fanfic this bad ever again. So we figure, everything's going to be smooth sailing from here," Bret smiled happily as he poured himself and Samantha a glass. "Ah... don't *we* get any?" Steve asked. "No," Bret replied. "Why not?!" "None of you have breasts." "Oh. Well, that's fair enou-- HEY!" Vince, meanwhile, was fighting back the urge to gag as he saw Bret and Samantha twine arms, drain their glasses, and then snuggle disgustingly close together. "Look, Rocky, the boobies are mating," Vince muttered to his sidekick. "Well, they do make a cute couple, Boss Man," Rocky shrugged. "Yes. Remind me to job you to Bombastic Bob sometime soon." "Gotcha, Boss," the Rock replied... then blanched as he realized what Vince said. Vince glared into the Viewscreen. "Well, without further ado, let me present..." He was suddenly interrupted by a loud sound similar to crackling electricity and a flash of bright light behind him. Vince whirled around just in time to see his greatest nemesis staring back at him. "You!" Vince exclaimed in surprise. "How can you be back?!" "Fortunately, TV's Frank is dumber than giving Kane a world title," Eric Bischoff grinned darkly back at his rival CEO. Eric pulled an oddly glowing microphone out of his jacket pocket and added, "Now, me and you need to have a little *talk*." Vince suddenly smiled as well as he pulled his silvery power crystal out of his suit's pocket. "I always knew it would eventually come down to this... I had hoped to have some more time to torment you before your eventual demise, upstart. But it's all the same to me..." a hellish battle aura manifested itself around Vince. "... I WILL FLAY THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES, MORTAL!!" Surprisingly, Eric managed to manifest a white power aura of his own. "When first we met, I was merely the student... but now, I am the *master*! In the name of Ted Turner, I will punish you!" And with that, the ultimate battle of Good and Evil... well, Moral Ambiguity and Moral Ambiguity... began. Rocky was forced to dive out of the way as the mighty battle shook the very foundations of Titan 13, stray energy blasts and misplaced power attacks tearing the newly remodeled place apart. On the SON, Mark stared at the screen in dismay. "I really have no idea who to cheer for." "KILL VINCE! KILL VINCE!" Samantha and Bret began chanting in unison. "Well, Eric did actually wrestle a match once..." Kevin began. "Only you could call that *wrestling*," Steve shot bitterly back . "Like *you* have a right to talk. His match was better than yours!" "At least *I* showed up!" Ryan sighed, and suddenly found himself wishing for the predictable calm of Hentai Space. In T 13, Rocky had begun frantically searching through a rolodex while the battle raged on in the background. "Let's see... what to do, what to do... here we go! 'What the Rock should do in case Vince is locked in deadly combat with his arch-nemesis... have Pip send up the movie.' Okay! Hey, Pip..." Rocky yelled as he wandered out of the Viewscreen's range. "Pip? What, he's gonna get the British kid from South Park?" Nash snorted derisively. He almost thought he was right when he heard a vaguely British accent float in as the Rock brought 'Pip' in. No one on the SON was prepared for what they saw. Samantha, Bret, and Steve all simultaneously shrieked in horror and backed furiously away from the screen. Nash and Mark could only stare at the Viewscreen in slack-jawed amazement. Ryan just stared at the screen in amazement. "Aww, it's... what is it?" "It's a bunny," Mark said rather flatly. "I, Mr. Calloway, am a Zoot... a symbiotic life form that only happens to resemble a lagomorph. You may call me Pippkin," it smiled rather disturbingly into the camera. "So you're a bunny *suit*," Nash said. "Far, far more than that," Pippkin smirked. "Just ask your dear friend Ms. Jones." Kevin turned to see Samantha, Bret, and Steve huddled defensively in one of the corners near the theater's doors. Actually, Steve and Bret were *behind* Samantha, whose eyes were blazing nearly white. "You... what you made me do..." she hissed. "I'm so glad you remember me," the Zoot smiled cruelly back at her. "But for the moment, I'm afraid I'm still recuperating from the... *injuries* you and your little friends inflicted on me back in the Author Avatar Arena. Fortunately, I've gotten the most wonderful job helping Vince run his little show while he attends to crushing your souls. I just got done making Dustin Runnels into a born-again Christian heel! But on to the business at hand..." "... as you well know, your fanfic today is one of the most evil pieces of literature to be spawned by the Internet's fanfic archives. It is the sixth and final chapter of 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds', cheerily entitled 'I'll Make You Bleed'. I really need to get in touch with this 'Kefka' person sometime. Reading this will destroy your very minds, Fauna Force... so TTFN, kiddies, and BITE DOWN HARD!" The rabbit added in some chilling evil laughter as he hit the Button. "That was *really* good!" Rocky exclaimed to Pippkin. "Why thank you, Rock," Pippkin replied graciously. In the background, more vicious explosions could be heard as the battle began spilling into T 13's back corridors. On the SON, the Satellite's frightened and confused members began calming down and preparing for the final ASADAE post. "Pippkin and *McMahon* together..." Steve could only shudder at the thought. "But that explains a lot that's been happening around here lately, doesn't it?" Bret said grimly. "Are you okay?" he made a point of asking Samantha. "I still don't see why everyone's making such a big deal out of a damn bunny suit," Nash grumbled. "I'm fine," she sighed as she powered down. "God, I'm almost looking forward to the post now." "Well, that's probably a good thing..." Ryan commented dryly as the lights and buzzers went off. "... CAUSE WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!!" [DOOR SEQUENCE 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [All enter the Satellite and begin to take their usual seats...] BRET: Hey, Mark, swap out with me. MARK [grumbling]: Fine. I'll just go sit with the perverts. I wouldn't do this for just *anyone*, you know. SAMANTHA: We appreciate your sacrifice, Mark. NASH: Look, we're not *that* bad... RYAN: What do you mean by 'we'? STEVE: Let's just focus on the fanfic, people... I've got a bad feeling about this. >Content-ID: <0_14300_878697401@emout07.mail.aol.com.203023> >Content-type: text/plain RYAN: Content-texture: Feels rough and goes down rough. SAMANTHA: Content-excrement: CRAP!!! > >Whooo those death Threats are gettin' really bad! ^_^ MARK: Listen to them... go away... go FAR away... BRET [suspiciously]: Samantha... SAMANTHA: What?! I didn't do anything! Well, at least not *yet*... RYAN: Yeah, that was my fault. Think it was too much to threaten him with a cheese grater and lemon juice? >Hey Thanks for puttin' it up man! >do you think you can be a bit cruel with the Description? MARK [grinning]: Well, he *did* ask for it! RYAN: Let's see, Kefka is a mentally deficient wanker who has to degrade a well loved character into his fiendish, evil ideas. That good enough for ya, freak boy?! >I just love em! BRET : Just like I like Hanson and licking electric transformers! SAMANTHA: If this is someone's letter then I think I'm gonna be sick. How could anyone *like* the description?! > > RYAN: (claps) Best two lines of this whole series! >oh and how the heck when you post em do you keep the text Lines from >scrolling all the way to the right? NASH: One word, kid... *blackmail*. SAMANTHA: Easy, you e-mail yourself the story and then save it as a text file. RYAN: Or stop being lazy and press enter after each sentence. >Do you reformat the story? working on my >own little page. STEVE: Am I the only one who's picturing a Satanic version of Foxfire Studios? > >Oh and do you think you could add an E-mail link for Rocky? BRET: Rmaivia@nation.org. RYAN : Hey Rocky, watch me pull crapfic out of my ass! >like ya did blade? MARK: I never really thought of Bookshire Draftwood as the *type* to blade... >her E-mail addie is.. >M.Roxane@mailexcite.com SAMANTHA: Oh man, that *was* a letter to the author! RYAN : Roxanne Roxanne... [pauses] That was an actual letter to the author? And this person LIKED the descriptions?! The world is suddenly a darker place... > >Thanks! NASH: You're welcome! Can we go now? > >--Metal >Content-ID: <0_14300_878697401@emout07.mail.aol.com.203024> >Content-type: text/plain; SAMANTHA: Like I said, content: CRAP! > name="ASADAE6.TXT" > >DUE TO SOME VIOLENT AND LEWD CONTENTS, STEVE: ... 'Some'? That's like saying their was *some* swearing in 'Goodfellas'. >A FOREWARNING HAS >BEEN GIVEN SAMANTHA: Do not read under penalty of law. >This Story Contains the Following Sexual contents... >M&M rape.......x3 RYAN: Now I'm hungry... BRET: Dammit, Kefka, can't you even leave a good *candy* out of this? SAMANTHA: Bret... I don't think that's what he meant... BRET: Oh. [dawning realization] Oh my God... SAMANTHA: [kisses him on the cheek] It'll be okay, dear. RYAN: Ah-HA! I KNEW Kefka was a closet Yaoi lover! NASH: Dammit! I hate having to watch guys do it! MARK [stares at Nash]: That implies you've done it before... STEVE: ...and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take... > >M&F rape........x2 SAMANTHA: So there are five rape scenes... So much for Kefka becoming a *respectable* writer... RYAN: (breaks out laughing) Yeah right! If you ever see the words 'respectable' and 'writer' in any sentence with 'Kefka', it's the end of the world! > >This story contains the following acts of violence..... BRET: Implying that rape is somehow *not* violent? > >man (skunk) slaughter.......x1 RYAN : Who wants Skunk haggis?! >graphic Battles......x? (I lost count) SAMANTHA: He lost count? You know, were I not already hardened by my past MSTing experience, I would be fearing the imminent loss of my sanity right about now. RYAN: Aww, it's not as bad as it seems. You just kinda go blank. SAMANTHA: Really? > >A Sorcerer, A Demon, NASH : And a partridge. >And Emeralds >=[]Part 6: "I'll Make You Bleed..."[]= SAMANTHA: Give to the Red Cross. RYAN: Hey look! He's trying to use emoticons! STEVE: Yeah, well I give him a :-P BRET: I like ^_^ SAMANTHA: Aww, how cute... [draws Bret in for a long kiss] NASH: (stands up and turns around) Well, I give him a (drops trow) (_|_) RYAN: (presses a glowing hand against Nash's head) Pull up your pants and sit down before I blast you unconscious. NASH: Ha! Then you'd be doing me a favor! MARK: NASH! PANTS! NOW! Or I'll be forced to send you on a little trip to one of my *favorite* hangouts... NASH: Oh, all right. [Gets back in seat, pants firmly back on] Jeez, you people need to lighten up. STEVE: Kevin, man, you *have* been reading the same fanfic we have, right? > >=[]Written by:[]= MARK : The only man on Earth whose writing makes you miss David Gonterman... RYAN: ... AND Oscar. > The not so World Famous Kefka The Dark One The Metal Sonic SAMANTHA: Hey... maybe his ego ain't so big after all! >(I Love >being called Tin Can!) STEVE: I love being the dark warrior with a voice of silence and a mission of justice. EXACTLY HOW DOES THIS MATTER?! BRET: Stay calm, Steve! We're not even in the story yet! STEVE: Like I said, I have a bad feeling about this... >And Introducing another Great Co-author. . . NASH: ... the one and only ADOLF HITLER!! Give him a hand, folks! >The one and only Numbat you've seen in "When Innocence is Lost" . . . MARK: Ten bucks says we end up reading that. BRET: No bet! >Roxane Myers Rocky Imma Numbat RYAN: So, Rocky's calling himself a Numbat, right? SAMANTHA: The hell...?!?! Who *are* these people? MARK: People who seem to need to be committed to a sanitarium. > >=[]Copyrights and so on:[]= STEVE : ...oh, just forget it! Like you'll be able to recognize any of them! >Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, >Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Knuckles Echidna and all Other Characters are registered >trademark Characters of Sega Of America And Dic. (C) NASH: 'All'? So DIC and Sega own *everything*? SAMANTHA: DIC, I swear that if you make Haruka into a man, I'm going to make you *extremely* sorry... [eyes blaze white and hands crackle with Ki] MARK: And if they do, you Canadians will be the only ones to suffer through it! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! BRET: Yeah, well *we've* still got Dave Sim while *you've* got Rob Liefeld. >1997 Sonya Sho >Eiji/Robotnik, Locy Hottovy, Lunarus, And anyone else you don't >recognize STEVE: ... are probably just another bunch of half-assed Mobius self-insertion characters. Fortunately, in this story, everyone except for Sonic is totally useless! >that was in the other stories are copyrighted by Alex Arellano and >Elizabeth Ramirez. SAMANTHA: Nash, I don't care what you say about Sean Connery's character, Ramirez had *style*! NASH: No, no, no! Ramirez was the best *thing* about the Highlander movies! It was Connor that ruined them, the damn Frenchie wussy... >(C) 1997 Mike, MARK: ...Enos? >Josh, BRET: ... Weinstein? >And Mac NASH: Yeah! Duncan! >are Copyrighted by >SkyMog12 (C) 1997 Traveler, or TR the White Wolf are Copyrighted by >TROBBINS ALL: Hob-trobbins, hob-trobbins, what can you do with those hob-trobbins... >(C)1997 Final Fantasy 2,3,7, Chrono Trigger Spells, Anything >relating to these games are trademark names by SquareSoft of America >And anywhere else they're god-like wisdom has touched. STEVE: Should I take a cheap shot at the fanfic? Nah, I'll save those for later. RYAN: Then let me. And unfortunately, that god-like wisdom is tainted by evil. This story for example. >(www.squaresoft.com) >The Soul Eater MARK: Public education? RYAN: Hey, when'd the teletubbies get into this? >is a trademark of Konami. (C)1996 (www.konami.com) SAMANTHA: Yeah yeah yeah... just get on with the story already!!! RYAN: You want to read it that badly? SAMANTHA: No. Just that the sooner it's done, the sooner we get out of here. > >=[]Brief Summary[]= SAMANTHA: Okay... [takes a deep breath] BRET: Don't. >The Dark One is not pleased over recent information NASH: ... that four wrestlers, a chick, and a teenager riffed the hell out of his story. >about an old rival SAMANTHA: ... buyin' him out. >destroying his factories and decides to take things >into his own clawed hands. STEVE: Why? He can make it with anyone he wants to! And he'd really need to be careful about those claws... SAMANTHA: Yeah, one wrong move and he would have sliced wiener in his hands. >The First ever story through the eyes of >the villain in my series! MARK: Oh, I see! This is when we find out that Dark Sonic is actually a very reasonable and compassionate character, misunderstood because of his unique personal code of honor! RYAN: That makes about as much sense as Castro freeing Cuba. Oh, wait, the same could be said about this whole series... >plenty of the stuff that sells BRET: Kefka, you sell like the Ultimate Warrior in a bad mood. SAMANTHA: Sells? This is the internet, bub, you can't *sell* stories on the net unless they're books. >and a few twists and turns. > >=[]SPECIAL NOTE[]= OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO PUT SOMEONE IN THE >CREDITS FOR "When Innocence is Lost" !! NASH: MY GOD, NO! THE UNIMAGINABLE HORROR! SAMANTHA: Oh, just forget them. It means that we'll have less people to track down and hurt once this series is over. [thinks about it for a moment] On second thought, go right ahead and put those credits up... [takes out a notepad and pen] >Ack! I can't belive I forgot! STEVE: ACK! I can't believe you think we care! >UGH anyway so >as a serious "I AM SO SORRY!!" I decided to Credit her in this story. >For She gave me many ideas for WIIL. MARK: Woodchucks II Llamas? >I'd Like to Thank Jessalyn Alany >Miyu For helpping me out! man she's got this great Story and like should SAMANTHA: [Is writing down the names as they are shown] RYAN: So he's got a Vampire Princess helping him out. Hey! If we're lucky, she'll kill him! >show it off~! it's way SUPER! and I hope she replies so I can get >permission to Put it on my web page.....which leads me to... BRET: ... absolutely nowhere, I'm guessing. > >=[]SECOND SPECIAL NOTE[]= [ Everyone is tossed out of their seats at the huge bass of the title and climb back into their seats.] SAMANTHA: Ouch... Would someone *please* turn down the bass? NASH: The audience is now deaf... RYAN: WHAT WAS THAT?!?! > >Well Well Lookie here!! I got meself a web page!! STEVE : You ain't frum around here, areya, boy? SAMANTHA: Visited by all three of his fans. >A Sorcerer, A Demon, And >Emeralds. now has an offical Web page! MARK: Good God, it is a Satanic version of Foxfire Studios! BRET: Maybe we could get Kefka and Gonterman to destroy each other in a cataclysmic flame war. RYAN: Anybody want to help me create a boot to the head virus? >It's just being created (by me >heh) and it'll take a while to get it totally set up NASH : I'm still trying to find a decent couch and a coffee maker for it. >(By the end of this year I hope) SAMANTHA: Or never, if we have our way. >If you're bored feel free to drop on down! RYAN: Come on down! STEVE: I won't be that bored until I'm dead! MARK: Even then, there's more interesting stuff to do. > >http://sonotropolis.simplenet.com/FrameSet1.html RYAN: I've heard recently that simplenet sucks. > >If there's like anything special you'd like to see there... RYAN: Sure! My foot kicking your ass! SAMANTHA: Yeah, a good story! >E-mail me. The >following are what will be placed there... BRET : Cabbages! Lots and lots of cabbages! > >1) Links....lotta em. NASH: Oh, I bet he'll have a link to www.evil.com! Serving all your Evil needs since 1994. >2) Final Fantasy stuff (wavs, pics, stories...etc) STEVE: Let me guess. Cloud Strife gets possessed by the Black Materia of Evil and goes on a raping and killing rampage. RYAN: You just hadda go and say it, didn't you... >3) ASADAE stuff (pics, wavs that people keep nagging go with the story, >profiles.) SAMANTHA: Oh yeah! Give me those pics and profiles of Sonic raping and killing people! Can't get enough of that! MARK: Hmmm... what would be a good soundtrack for ASADAE? BRET: Something evil and vapid... Marilyn Manson, I think. RYAN: Or anything by Michael Bolton. >4) Sonic stuff...(LOTTA wavs, got some of the game wavs there, >Pics..etc) 5) if I get the chance...some HTML tricks... NASH : Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a banner out of my hat! >Java Included.. (i'm just learning) RYAN: Yeah, so don't pay attention to any subliminal messages... oops. SAMANTHA: Yuck! I hate Java! Screws Netscape to hell and back. >6) story updates and a fanfiction section open for >all those who want to write mature stories STEVE: 'Mature'? Kefka, this stuff is about as mature as a Penthouse letter! >but need a place for em...write me. SAMANTHA: Just don't get your screen sticky, Kefka! BRET: Now that was a low blow. SAMANTHA: This whole series feels like a low blow. MARK: In that it should be illegal? Yes. >I hope to add a few more things....Anyone got some ideas? ALL: GET ON WITH IT!! >write to MetalSonic@AOL.com > >But for now..WOW neat Main page huh? ^_^ oh this place is in Frames so >Like Get Netscape (blah) SAMANTHA: How much longer is this guy gonna take? I can feel my hair graying as it is! NASH: Geez, I'll be old enough to get into the main events back home by the time this gets done... >or IE 2.0 or higher (yay!!) if I'm fast enough (I >got only 2 hours per weekday of school till January 3rd...Winter >school..blah should have passed those classe s.) I'll be able to have >time to create a non-frame version...now for the... > >=[]/Main/Author's Note[]= RYAN: [has already fallen asleep and is snoring loudly] STEVE: ARGH! Kefka's writing headers for his headers now! SAMANTHA: At least the bass was turned down on this one. > >Okay Okay calm down Folks! I know it took a while. I know. I know!! MARK: Then hurry it up and get us to the rapefest! >In the past time I have gotten a total of 165 E-mails and out of those >only 5 were Flames RYAN: [wakes up with a snort] Only five?! I damn remember sending fifty of those things out! BRET : People love me! They do, dammit, they do! SAMANTHA: Bull *BLEEP*! I highly doubt that there were less then five flames you received! And why are you even writing this? You got something to prove? >so I gathered a few of you rather enjoy the series. NASH: Yeah, these two guys named Lenny and Bob who live in North Dakota. They get pretty bored, so they write *lots* of e-mail... >This one >is small...ACK!! PUT DOWN THE PITCH FORKS AND TORCHES!! SAMANTHA: Don't forget the katanas... STEVE: And baseball bats... RYAN: And tactical nuclear weapons! >It's good!! [Everyone fights hard not to laugh.] >Trust me, I had writers block for a month MARK: Maybe the Muses were trying to *tell* you something, Kefka... >but with one day offa school >(*ahem* Claimed sick) RYAN: Alright! We've got something bad on Kefka! MARK: Ryan, this story is something bad on Kefka. RYAN: Yeah, but we can get him in trouble for playing hooky... > I created basicly the main plot of the story as >well as harassed my friends with my evil side to no end! SAMANTHA: Not to mention us. RYAN: That's funny. To say you have an evil side means that you have a good side. MARK: Well, we know THAT'S not true. >My Co-author had been >punished from the PC, BRET: Thank god *someone's* parents have some sense! >that explains her tardiness but it wasn't her >fault. After a grooling month of Death Threats (no kidding I got them to >finish the Story!) SAMANTHA: Finish the story, as in, kill it... right? >We had finally finished it....TA DA!! NASH : Look, ma! No pants! OTHERS: AHHH!!! >The next one shouldn't >take as long (I hope) I've wasted enough of your time.....Let's KICK IT >SONIC! SAMANTHA: At least he didn't steal Jamie's opening line this time. STEVE: Bret, make your girlfriend watch the friggin' fourth wall! BRET: Look, it wasn't *that* bad... > >And It Begins... SAMANTHA: Our trek through hell... MARK: MORTAL KOMBAT!! > > The Cold Air rushed through the midnight sky of Sonotropolis; a >crescent moon glittered down at the SAMANTHA: ... City of Tokyo as Sailor Moon and the rest of the Senshi hopped into action against the forces of evil! RYAN: Don't bring the Senshi in... with our luck they'd be captured and raped before the third paragraph. >corrupted wasteful land of metal and grime. NASH: Ah, Detroit. >In the heart of the town was the Citadel of Sonic. STEVE: ... right next to Crazy Ed's Ragin' Burgers! >The Dark >Overlord of all his magic touched, and all his ey es could view. SAMANTHA: Uh... hmmm... wha...? BRET : Jeez! I'm totally omniscient, and there's *still* nothing on! >He waited in his room filled with sexual tortures. MARK : Nude pictures of Cologne and Dusty Rhodes... TOGETHER!! BWAHAHAHAHA! RYAN: [holds his head] AARRGGHH!! BAD MENTAL PICTURE!! MY HEAD!! >He waited for his >*gift's* delivery unto his hungry hands.... SAMANTHA: For he had been waiting thirty minutes for that pizza and if he didn't get it soon, the pizza boy was getting *no* tip from him! NASH : I *will* have my complimentary two liters of Pepsi! > Moments after Sonic's bellowing for them to quicken the capture; >two sniveling guards rushed in holding a scared and sobbing female >skunk no older than 15. RYAN: Great, now he's going into statutory rape. Kefka, you sick bastard! STEVE: Damn it, first Oscar, and now this! Can't *anyone* leave Fifi LaFume alone? SAMANTHA: The first of many rape scenes brought to you by Kefka... >Sonic's eyes flared SAMANTHA: Some Visine will help that. BRET: Ooh, heat vision! But can he see through stuff? >for a moment at the hideous species >that was brought to him for his 'treat'. MARK : I *distinctly* asked for a passenger pigeon!! NASH : But sir, there aren't... > Her figure and atrocious odor and coloring brought back memories of >yester years; a rivalry of an old enemy.....of a Skunk. STEVE : Damn that Pepe... always stealing away my beloved Penelope... BRET: What does Chavo's horse have to do with this? >"HOW DARE YOU BRING ME.... NASH : ... MARGARINE INSTEAD OF BUTTER!! >This..creature!" > "Forgive us milord Sonic." One of the guards managed to whimper. >"She 'twas the best we could find at the moment m'lord..." SAMANTHA: Then call a dating service, for crying out loud!!! [blushes] I think this story is beginning to get to me. MARK: No, you're still within the bounds of good taste. RYAN: Yeah. Bad taste would be something like- Of course, if you're no longer picky, we can take over that convent. NASH: Oh, too late, I did that last Thursday. SAMANTHA: Thanks, guys! I feel clean already! RYAN: You're wel- HEY!! > "You will get me another and soon or it will not be she whom I bed >this night..." BRET: Gah... Oscar flashbacks... >The guard's eyes widen with fear and he slowly backed >away with his comrade. SAMANTHA: This is going to give homosexuals a bad name. RYAN: Nah, I think Sonic's an omnisexual. BRET: A what? RYAN: He sees everything and beds everything. >"Leave her...here.." They dropped the skunk and left >Sonic. "Though your species brings me much > hate... STEVE : ... and figgy pudding... >I would not deprive you the pleasure of feeling me...." NASH : No, no, that's quite all right... SAMANTHA: Remind me to pound on Tuxedo Chris once we get down from here. He acts the same way Sonic does. RYAN: Doesn't he just keep women around as trophies and never actually DOES anything to them? SAMANTHA: It's still against their will. RYAN: Hmm, good point. >His evil smile widened. > The female shook her head and began to cry loudly. MARK : I don't *wanna* have sex with the evil hedgehog! >"N...no....Please no..." Sonic picked her up from the ground and threw >her onto the bed. BRET: Three pointer! >"Now...Spray once and I shoves more them myself inside >you....Is that understood?" [Steve looks ill, glances down at his baseball bat, sighs, and then tosses it across the theater] >The Girl nodded and quietly co ntinued her >tears; feeling sonic slowly begin his mounting. SAMANTHA: He tossed the saddle over her back and tightened the straps, making sure that he would not fall off... [stops and sighs] Now I'm beginning to sound like Nash. NASH: Actually, I would've done something a bit more like this... 'He mounted slowly, but he rode hard and fast!' STEVE: On second thought, I think I'm going to need that... [retrieves bat] >Sonic rocked with force; MARK: ... but he rolled with *style*! >not even moaning, not really think of his actions; his mind was >somewhere else.... BRET : How *do* they cram all that gram? >the past....the past of anger and hate...... NASH: Instead of the happy-shiny present, right? > The memories of his fights against Geoffrey St. John ....A fight >for the love of Princess Sally...how many times she tried to make him >jealous of the older skunk... RYAN : [giggles] Oh Geoffrey, you stink so well! > oh but he's shown her now hasn't he? Oh >Yes...He's taken what he wanted from Sally and now > she was his....For eight Long years she was his; continuously. STEVE: Sonic eventually got a little winded from all that. SAMANTHA: Sonic has a possession problem, doesn't he? RYAN: I gathered that, yeah. >Now his >toy was gone from his possession. MARK : But he would *have* his binky again... oh, yes... >His thrusting increased...harder and >rapidly; making the girl squeal out from the pain. "Yes, Princess >Sally," He hissed at the girl with blank eye s "I'll take you back into my >possession, BRET: Sonic's becoming Repo Man!! WRESTLERS: NOOOOOO!! >and I'll take Tails as mines too." RYAN [opens his mouth, then thinks for a minute]: Nah, I've made enough Sonic ebonics jokes. Hey, that rhymed! SAMANTHA : I'll get you my pretty! And your little dog too! >He thrusted harder; making >the girl howl with suffering. "Shut up..." He hissed to the girl and >thrusted harder. His eyes now flaring red with the rage of more than >10 years. NASH: Look! Sonic can do your trick too! SAMANTHA: Shut up! You've been pointing that out since Part 1! >"S hut up you bitch!! ...I'll make you pay for the pain you made >me feel!!!... STEVE : I'll take check or money order! >How does it feel, Sal, huh? What you gave to me mentally I'll >give to you physically a thousand folds more! MARK: Fold, staple, spindle, AND mutiliate! BWAHAHAHAHA!! NASH: Ew! *I* think that's sick! >I'll make you bleed, >bitch! I'll make you bleed..." SAMANTHA : Gee, we have a title... >he rocked harder on the girl BRET: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?! OTHERS: NO!! >and began to spill within. STEVE : I don't suppose some paper towels would get that up, would they? >The girl shrieked at the fiery liquid entering her and finally >collapsed into a nightmarish sleep. "You're a bitch, Sally...Nothing >but a bitch..." MARK : I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother... RYAN: Well, I'll give it to Sonic, at least he didn't call her a c-- [glances at Samantha] er, the *C* word. NASH: What *C* word? RYAN: For fear of my life, I ain't saying. >He growled sleepily and fell into a deep sleep; dreaming of >the torment he'll bring to the Princess of Mobius. SAMANTHA: While we dream of the torment we're going to inflict on Kefka once we get our hands on his scrawny little... [mimes choking a neck] > > * * * > > The next 'day' the Dark one rose up with the girl gone from his >bed, BRET: Oh, one of those hentai disposable girls. How convenient. >blood stains covering the sheets, and warm feeling between his >legs. RYAN: I'd pay good money for him to look down and find out it's a blowtorch doing that. > His only true remembrance of the dark pleasure he experienced. He got >out of bed and clothed himself; a black pair > of pants, deep purple slit shirt, a cape and boots...his normal attire now. SAMANTHA: Normal, for a psychotic evil despot, that is. NASH: Or a really fruity pirate. >He went down to the meeting hall where his most 'trusted' advisors >lie within. STEVE: Harpo, Chico, Groucho, and Zeppo. > > > > * * * > > > > Charles, Amy Rose, Bunny, and Dulcy were in their own little >conference while they waited for the Dark One to appear. "He won't be >pleased over this..." Mumbled Amy. SAMANTHA : I mean, I'm late for the taping of the fifth season! > "Indeed, but who will be the one to inform him?" Ask Bunny. MARK : Do we have any redshirts left? >They all turned to Chuck who only folded his ears back. SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! The cannon fodder! > "No...I'm not going to speak to him about this...He'll beat me! He >will r...r..rape me again..." Charles backed away a bit; shaking. BRET: *Again*?! Sonic and UNCLE FRIGGIN' CHUCK?! SAMANTHA: YIKES! Oh man, Kefka has gone *too* far now! MARK: There *IS* no such thing as too far with Kefka... RYAN [shaking slightly]: I can handle this... I've gone through 3 CATS lemons, a tentacle fic, and Tsunai... I CAN handle this... > "You're going to have to Chuck... NASH : You'll just have to choke it down! OTHERS: SHUT UP!! >we can't tell him...we can't risk >being...the Returners would pull us out..." SAMANTHA: Being what? Cannon fodder? Important to the story? Rebel spies? Come on! Give us some details! > "B....but..." > "Please..." Replied Bunny. STEVE : Please go and be the one to have horrible incestuous acts performed upon you by your evil nephew. Pretty please? > "............v-very well.....but I don't know how I'm going >to...~" SAMANTHA: Tell Sonic? Easy, by getting on your hands and knees and begging him to not kill you. MARK: I have a feeling he'll definitely end up on his hands and knees... BRET : You're NOT helping any, Mark. >his reply was cut short when the dark one busted in. SAMANTHA: Eww!!! Would someone get a mop? >The Dark one planted himself on his throne and SAMANTHA: Ordered his underlings to bring him plenty of water and expose him to the sun lots. NASH : Miracle-Gro, damn you! I WILL HAVE MIRACLE-GRO! >stared at the others who bowed before >him. "Well then," Sonic gleamed. STEVE: Sonic had polished himself up nice and shiny! >"What's the report? Good news...for >YOUR sake I hope..." chuckled Sonic. There was no reply; Sonic looked up at >them and glared. The Ra bbot pushed Chuck to Sonic lightly. MARK : Go on, honey. Walk to daddy! > "S...s..Sir..." Squeaked out Charles. "I'm fearful to >r-report..it's undesirable information." BRET : We *know* what they put in Slim Jims. > "Then prepare dear Uncle..." RYAN : Prepare yourself... NASH : All right, let me get my knee pads... STEVE: Another one like that and I *WILL* be forced to kill you. >Sonic rose up and moved closer to >him. "Tell me the dilemma..." SAMANTHA : Well the stock market has dropped an average of twelve points, bringing down the net value of your shares. If we sell now, we can keep not only keep from losing money, but earn at least a 20 percent profit! > "Well sir..." Chuck licked his dry lips slightly; trying to find >the correct words. Sonic took note of his lick and found it quite >arousing. MARK: Wow. I'm already *dead* and I'm losing my will to live. SAMANTHA: Whatever, Sonic. Just keep digging that grave of yours deeper, Kefka... RYAN: What's he at? 80 feet? >He knew even after the information was delivered he'd have his >uncle. Be it good news or bad, would depend on ho w painful... NASH: Look, this is gonna hurt no matter *how* Kefka does it. >"Sire, Sector 7 was destroyed..." SAMANTHA: In the complete rip off of Final Fantasy 7! BRET: We knew he was gonna get to it sooner or later. >Sonic's eyes flashed a deeper red for a moment >and his thoughts of sexual pleasure turned to torture. STEVE: I hope that's not how it works with her, for your sake. BRET: Steve, shut up. >Chuck backed away slightly. MARK: *Slightly*?! RUN, DAMN YOU! RUN! > "By..whom?" Sonic asked in his most softest and there by far more >dangerous voice. > "...Geoffrey St. John." SAMANTHA: Man, that pope sure can cause a lot of trouble! > "Oh Charles..." Whispered Sonic. The Dark one looked at the others >and they knew when to take the hint and leave. NASH : Yup, it looks about like it's time for the Yaoi scene. We'll just mosey along now... >When they were gone >Sonic walked back to Charles and smiled. "This....annoys me you know that >uncle..correct?" STEVE : Having to bang *you* when there's all kinds of perfectly good furry chicks out there. RYAN: You know, there is a LOT I can say about this right now... > "Y-yes sir..." > "And you know what happens to people who annoy me..." Sonic put >his finger on his uncles clothed chest and traced; a lewd smile beginning >to develop on Sonic's lips. BRET: Kefka, buddy, come on... you've never done a detailed scene on us before, you *reaaaally* don't need to start now... SAMANTHA: Okay, this is beginning to delve into that which we thought it never would... then again, this is Kefka writing this. >Chuck shivered and backed away slightly; and >to this Sonic only increased his hunger fo r sin. MARK: Hungry? Why wait? Snickers! >Sonic pulled him closer >and put his hand on his uncle's crotch section. SAMANTHA: Cross section? NASH: No, his... STEVE: Shut up, Nash! > > > "Our attempts to stop >Geoffrey St. John has failed on every account dear sweet uncle..." he >moved his mouth close to his uncle's neck and licked him there. SAMANTHA : Sorry, but you had some ketchup stains there. > "S...sir.." he shakingly whispered. "S-stop..." RYAN : Oh, you want me to stop? Very well then. [laughs a bit] Oh, if only that would happen... > "Geo has destroyed one to many of my factories..." He pushed >Charles down and laid upon him. "And so I must take matters into my own >hands..." BRET: AGH! BAD PUN, BAD PUN!! >He tugged at Chucks pants and began to laugh. > "Sonic!! No!!" MARK: Listen to him! Listen to him! SAMANTHA: This is so wrong!!! STEVE: Oh, God... this is *worse* than Sonic and Antoine!! WORSE! [weeps] NASH: Yeah, it is kinda icky, isn't it? RYAN: Hey Nash, you try sitting through three stories where guys bang each other and THEN you tell me this is 'kinda icky'!!! BRET: WHY, GOD?! WHY? If there is any justice or peace or light or hope left in the world, LET THIS END!! [Suddenly the theater's screen glows, and then fast forwards past the scene, leaving everyone confused] BRET: I can't believe that worked. VOICE: Don't worry. I've fast-forwarded past the Evil part. [A globe of light suddenly appears and coalesces into the shape of a young man, golden radiance outlining his body.] SAMANTHA: Oh my God!! You're one of The Powers That Be! SHINJI (grins): Yup. MARK: Why did you fast-forward past that scene? Not that I'm *complaining*, mind you... SHINJI: You all need to survive this fanfic with your sanity intact... and that's not gonna happen unless I delete a few of the rape-and-blood- filled scenes that are to come. BRET: What? Why? Does this have something to do with the end of the world? SHINJI: Umm... not that important. Actually, a few of you have destinies to fulfill in the Author Avatar Arena, so I can't let this fanfic or watching your friends go nuts damage you. RYAN: Whoa! This is heavy. SHINJI: You could say that, yeah.?\ Anyway, I've programmed the theater to flip past anything that would instantly tear your sanity apart. I'm afraid I can't do much more than that, so you'll still have to tough some of it out. STEVE: Oh, that's *more* than enough! Thank you! SHINJI: No problem. Now, I gotta go before McMahon notices that something's wrong. Good luck! [The shape of the Power changes back into a globe of light and disappears] SAMANTHA: Too bad he couldn't have been here when we had the trivia scene. NASH: Well, that was Stupid, not Evil. RYAN: Hey! Wait!! Is my destiny in the Author Avatar Arena too?! [thinks for a minute] OH YEAH!! Where were you when I went through all of those CATS stories and that Tsunai Fic?!?! SHINJI [voice only]: Okay, I'll be honest... it's just Samantha. The rest of you are on your own. [Dead silence reigns in the theater] SAMANTHA: Er... at least he was honest. > Chuck looked at his nephews cold >eyes and realized something terrifying; MARK: 'Murphy Brown' had been canceled. >Sonic would never stop....Never >give up on his hunt for the princess.... BRET: Sonic was shamelessly ripping off the competition... >And he feared for her. He knew >Sonic would find her. SAMANTHA: Then do something, you wimp! At least die fighting! > > * * * SAMANTHA: Three stars my *BLEEP*! What the *BLEEP* are Siskel and Ebert smoking anyway?! STEVE: No, Leonard Maltin is the star guy. RYAN: Cool! The censor's back! *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP* > > Down into sector 7 of Sonotropolis a cheetah SAMANTHA: That had better not be Cheetor from Beast Wars. >roamed the streets of >the now destroyed quadrant. His white shirt and black pants gave him >the appearance of a poor man. NASH: However, he had the soul of a child, innocent and free! >His eyes took heed of all who were around >him. >"Man, talk about trashed..." SAMANTHA: Yeah, the garbage men are on strike again. >He spoke o ut to no one in particular. >"Good...maybe that jerk Sonic'll be in the rubble dead..." MARK : See, cuz I hate Sonic too... I'm not *evil* or anything... SAMANTHA: Wishful thinking. Looks like it not only applies to us, eh guys? >The Cheetah >smiled wickedly in a sense at his current thoughts and headed onward to >find the ones he wanted. A fox walked up to him and smiled. BRET: Great, Ryan Huber's co-writing this. RYAN: Who? BRET: He did these crappy Sonic fics where everyone smiled constantly. Really creepy, actually. > "'Scuse me sir... you be thinkin' of maybe givin' a poor kit some >spare Soncoins or perhaps some Gil?" SAMANTHA: Now what the heck would he do with fish parts? RYAN: No, see? It's a further rip off of Final Fantasy. That's right, Kefka. Just keep proving how slack your imagination is... >The Cheetah smiled and opened up his >pouched and removed a semi-small bag with money and tossed it to the >kit. STEVE: The cheetah pre-bags his money to lock in freshness. >"Sorry I can't be of more help to you... that blasted Hedgehog >makes things tight for us Sector 7 Slums." NASH : And, as the mayor of Sector Seven, I feel it's my duty to speak for the entire community. MARK : See? I help small children! I hate Sonic! I'm NOT evil, dammit! >The kit nodded and hugged the Cheetah. SAMANTHA: If you go there... [charges up a Ki blast] RYAN [sits still for a minute]: I have a bad sense of foreboding here, people... > > > "Thank ya, sir" BRET : But I don't see how thirty-five cents and a piece of twine is really going to help at all... > "That's why I be lookin' to find some recruiters to the >Returners..." STEVE : So I figured I'd just talk to small children until I found one who was familiar with guerrilla resistance movements. > "Ah ken help ya with that Mistah! Ah be one o' em!" RYAN: Wow! I haven't seen a brooklyneese accent in awhile! SAMANTHA: Note the stupidity of the kid as he tells a complete stranger that he's a part of a rebel faction... NASH : And ah'm gonna show you how we do it back on 110th street, SUCKA! > "You can? You are?" The fox nodded. "I owe Sonic Big time for what >he did to me! MARK : Yes, the vague evil thing he did to me, which I really hope you don't ask any questions about... >I'll do anything to get him outta power." RYAN: Psst... call Kenneth Starr. He'll do anything to get Sonic impeached if you pay him right! > "Come wit me mistah." SAMANTHA: I guess the fox comes from New York. >The Fox ran off into the slums' boundaries, >outside to the forest. BRET: If it's *that* easy to leave, then why doesn't everyone just do it? STEVE: Property tax in the forest is a real bitch, and you can't get cable. BRET: Ah. >The Cheetah smiled and followed. > > * * * > > When the chase was over, he found himself deep in the green lush >forest. RYAN: [pants] Gimme... back my... Eggo... SAMANTHA: That was one hell of a chase! >The kit had stopped at a cave opening and jumped up and down. MARK : If you're happy and you know it jump in place! >"Mistah! mistah! Here's the place! You can get registered as a Returner >in here Mistah!" NASH : All you gotta do is fill out a few forms! Do you have your driver's license with you? >The Cheetah Smiled and hugged the Fox. RYAN : Duh... I will love you and hug you and name you George... SAMANTHA : Can't... breathe... MARK: He's being awfully friendly for my tastes... > "Thank you..." he smiled and walked in. The little Kit followed >him. Two wolfs looked at the Cheetah and growled. MARK : We close at *five*, dammit! Come back tomorrow! > "Why have you come here?" RYAN: Because I've already come at my house and I wanted to try it someplace different. STEVE: Look, we've already established that Sonic has no self-control when it comes to that sort of thing... >He was about to answer but The kit >appeared behind him and waved. "Oh, you brought him here?" BRET : What have we *told* you about bringing random people off the street here? RYAN : That I should knock 'em out an' steal their money? BRET : Good boy. Here's a cookie. > "Yes, sah!" The boy saluted like a little soldier. "He wants to be >a Returnah!" SAMANTHA: Okay, enough with the fake accent, it's getting annoying. >They nodded and motioned for the Cat to follow. NASH: Cat Grant? Is this a Superman crossover now? SAMANTHA: That's Cheetah. >"If you don't >mind we need to check you out before we can even consider you as a >trainee is that okay?" NASH : It's all very customary. So turn around, bend over and spread 'em. > "Yes, sir..." They took him deeper into the cave. STEVE : Whoa! How'd they get that big penny in here? >Torch light filled his eyes; RYAN : Oh! Watch the flamethrowers! SAMANTHA : Ahh! My eyes! >the sounds of mixed conversations filled the air. RYAN : Yeah, I got blackmailed into this... whoops! Here they come... > He >gasped when he saw this underground slum city. Houses built out of >cardboard and scrap metal; many dressed in rags and eating pitiful >meals... RYAN: In a bad copy of Midgar... BRET: So they all lived in cheap mobile homes and got dinner at McDonald's, right? >but even so...laughter was in the air and smiles on the faces >of the poor. SAMANTHA: They're happy because they're poor and hungry... yeah, right... > "By the goddess..." Whispered the Cheetah. NASH : So much glorious filth... RYAN: It's Megami-sama!! [pause] Um, Samantha... does megami-sama happen to mean goddess? SAMANTHA: Yep. RYAN: Well... crap. MARK [snickering]: Oh, I don't know, you always reminded me of a *princess*, at least... RYAN: Shut up. > "Not quite, mate..." Came a voice from behind him. The Cheetah >looked over and his eyes widened; MARK : Paul Hogan? NO! >a Skunk dressed in purple boots, >belt, gloves with a crossbow and a barret STEVE: ... to compliment his tifa and yuffie... >walked over to him with a grin. >"What's wrong, mate? Why the shocked face?" RYAN : I happen to like licking electrical outlets... SAMANTHA: Oh, I remember that old joke! And god, is it funny once it's told right! > "Oh um, Well sir....You're Geoffrey St. John! The Great Mr. St. >John!" BRET : The Incomparable, Perfect, Glorious Geoffrey St. John! I fall to my knees and praise you! RYAN: He needs a few more nicknames to compete with Marissa Picard... >The Cheetah smiled. "What an honor...sir!" Geo smiled and >puffed up his chest. SAMANTHA: Courtesy of the air hose stuck up his... BRET: Don't... > "Well. . . thank you!" NASH : I *am* wonderful, aren't I? > The Cheetah continued to stare at him with a large smile on. "What >an honor sir...what an honor!" MARK : Can I have one of your limbs to remember you by? RYAN : May I prostrate myself before you and kiss your feet? NASH : Oh, go right ahead. I'd forgotten to wash them before... > "Well, mate, you seem like a good bloak, what brings ya here ?" > "I came to join the Returners sir! I want to get back at >that........Stupid Hedgehog." STEVE : See? I said it! I said it, so I'm not evil! > "Yer hearts in the right place, mate! And so's yer body!" RYAN: A bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... BRET : There's a line straight out of a porno! SAMANTHA: And you know this how...? BRET: Ah... due to circumstances beyond my control that have hopefully been taken care of? SAMANTHA: Aww... STEVE: Do you want me to get that armrest out of your way so you two can just go at it right here? SAMANTHA: Shut up, Steve. >Geo looked down at the kit and pet his head. "You found a regular fighter, >son!" RYAN : You were supposed to bring me a wonderful fighter! Or at least a great one! SAMANTHA: So you puff up the leader's ego and he lets you in... it's amazing that they've lasted this long. > "Thank ya mistah John!" The kit saluted again and ran off. NASH: He's pretty busy, being the Returners' head of recruitment and all. MARK: Makes more sense than picking Lex Luger. > "Now Mr. uhh...I didn't catch yer name, Tiger." RYAN : That's because I didn't throw it. Hey! Thank you! I'll be here all week... SAMANTHA: That's Cheetah. > "Well sir, before we get into socializing I wanted to ask you >about something...if it's okay Mr. John." BRET : Where do babies come from? > "Of Course, mate!" RYAN : Really?! Thanks!! Now where are the babes?! > "Can we take a walk and I'll explain?" Geo nodded and the Cheetah >headed back up to the surface; with Geoffrey Close behind him. SAMANTHA: Great idea! It'll be easier to kill him once he's outside. >"Well sir, >that.......bastard Sonic; been in an uproar lately...." > "Yes I know...most likely because of the destruction of the Sector >7 Slums." RYAN: I didn't think a bomb would cause THAT much destruction... er... you didn't hear that from me. > "Anyone die?" > "Only those who deserved it..." STEVE: Because the *first* place to go to eliminate the high-ranking members of a regime is the ghetto. > "Sonic's followers?" > "Exactly..." SAMANTHA : Mass murder is fun! > "I See..." They had reached the forest and continued to walk. "So >are the rumors true? Did you destroy it?" NASH : Of course! I did it single-handedly, with nothing but a toothpick and a moldy lemon wedge! > "I did, with a bomb placed in the reactors of his biggest >factory...it went up in flames. You should have seen it, mate. It was >incredible!" RYAN: A-HA! I predicted it correctly!! SAMANTHA: Some where out there, the cast of FF7 are crying... MARK : MAH GOD! It's Cloud Strife with the Ultimate Weapon, and he looks pissed! > "Sir, I want to join your team!" The Cheetah stopped a distance >away from the cave at an plain but isolated area of the Forest. BRET: It's right next to the Power Rangers gravel pit and that one patch of ground they always beam down to on 'Star Trek'. RYAN: A millisecond of silence for all the red shirts who bought it there. Ok, that's enough. >"It be so great to fight by your side!" SAMANTHA: Now, repeat after me: Set up. GUYS: Set up! SAMANTHA: Good! I knew you could do it! > "Well then; I need to know your name first mate!" STEVE: Oh, that's easy! It was Gilligan. Now knowing the Skipper's name, that's a toughie. >Geo laughed heatedly. NASH: So he was laughing in an angry way... or something... right? MARK: Like it matters. St. John is gonna be worm food in about ten seconds. > "God your a fool..." Chuckled the Cheetah. BRET: I'm glad *somebody* said it. >"Come into my darkness, Geoffrey..." SAMANTHA: Said the Hedgehog to the Skunk. RYAN : Sorry, but I happen to like paying my light bills. >Slowly the form of the Cheetah began to alter; midnight blue >quills slowly began to pluck through; STEVE: Excuse me? He's 'dark as night', story. >a cynical laugher filled the air. RYAN: Somebody's sucking up the nitrous oxide... >"You'll pay for destroying my Factories, Skunk..." NASH : My indispensable *thing* factories! > "Sonic!" Cried Geo as he readied his crossbow. SAMANTHA: You had better have that back before five! Marle needs it for her next fanfic appearance. >"You bastard!! At >last you decide to take me on one on one." MARK : I finally get to be splattered across the landscape by a magic user who's infinitely more powerful than I am! > "Oh please," hissed the Hedgehog. "Your puny little weapon can't >hurt me..." BRET: Sonic smash puny skunk! > "Yer fergettin', mate... I know all about you. I know your weak >points." STEVE : You like butter pecan ice cream and Danielle Steel novels! >Geo loaded in a white arrow. "These are some special lil' >darlin's I've been savin' just for you, Hedgehog!" NASH : They're my magical pixie arrows! >He fired at him; >Sonic easily dodged out of the way and laughed. SAMANTHA: Did someone hit him with laughing gas or something? > "Oh my Geo, how nice of you..." MARK : Flowers? For me? > "I've waited half my youth to kill you, Sonic! Kill you for what >you did to Sally!" SAMANTHA: Good luck! > "Oh how your wait was in VAIN John! Because You're not going to >kill me..." Sonic waved his hand in a circle; a black sword appeared. [Bret raises one arm and waves his hand in a circle, then sighs when nothing happens] RYAN: Hey, lemme try. [waves his hand in a circle and a cup of cookie dough ice cream appears in his hand] Cool! I was getting hungry! [notices he's getting stared at] Oh? This? Well ever since the god of self insertion took control of me, I've had these small bouts of power. Helps when I'm hungry. BRET: Aw, crap! You're one of those Avatars, aren't you? SAMANTHA: *I* am. You have a problem with that? BRET [hastily grins]: Why, no! > "You could never beat me hedgehog...what makes you think things >have changed now?" STEVE: Oh, I don't know... the fact that he's got a Chaos Emerald, or is possessed by a demon from Hell... SAMANTHA: Because Sonic read the script in advance. > "Because I have changed...and you're the same Geoff my boy..." his >free hand glew red; "suffer and die!!" NASH : You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE! >A bolt of fire shot out striking >down Geoffrey who only rolled into a tree MARK: ... and set the forest on fire, correct? >and managed to jump back up >and slash Sonic's clothing. SAMANTHA: With what? Geoffrey has a crossbow, not a sword! >The hedgehog laughed BRET: ... and the dish ran away with the spoon. >and Grabbed him by the >neck. STEVE: C'mon, ref! Chokeholds are illegal! >Geo rose his hand and fired another bolt into Sonic; causing him >to drop him and screech in pain. NASH : Damn you and your energy blasts, Space Ghost! > "You've changed eh?" Geoff smiled MARK : Well, I have *now*. > Sonic was on his knees partly. He smiled weakly and looked up at >Geoff, black and red blood beginning to ooze out of his eye where he >was shot. RYAN: See? That's what happens when you run around with sharp objects. SAMANTHA: If you lose an eye in school, you get five thousand dollars for it. >The skunk backed away slightly at the site; BRET : Layout... too horrible... and it's in frames... GYAAAH!! >and even more so when >Sonic let his tongue lap up some of the out > pouring blood. STEVE: Sonic, buddy, that's *not* how you make a Bloody Mary. >"I love blood Geoffrey...even my own..." He healed his >wound with a pass of his hand across his eye. "But I love rape so much >more..." RYAN [growls]: BAKAYAROU!! SHI-NE, YOU BANE OF EXISTENCE!! NASH: I like bacon more than sausage. >He stood up again and advanced on him, his sword glowing a >deep blue. > "Your mad Hedgehog..." SAMANTHA: No, not my mad, his mad! > "Your mine, Geoffrey...Mines..." He leaped at the skunk who yet >again shot him; but it didn't stop Sonic. MARK: For they had made Sonic faster... stronger... *better*... RYAN: The Half a Dollar Hedgehog, coming to a computer near you! >The hedgehog tackled him and put BRET: ... him in the JACKHAMMER!! Sonic is now 108 and ZERO!! SAMANTHA: Oh, it's a tackle at the five yard line! What a disappointment for the home team tonight! >the blade to his neck, making Geoffrey freeze. "Now My little skunk, I >want every bit of information about the Retu rners and the whereabouts >of them.." STEVE: They're in the cave, Sonic... the one you were in about five minutes ago. > "I'll never talk bastard...kill me if you must!" SAMANTHA: Sure, give the hedgehog ideas, you idiot. > "Ohhhh I will Geoffrey I will, but I want the information.. NASH : And the amazing thigh toner cream... >And I have ways of making you talk..." SAMANTHA : We have plenty of ways to make you talk, Mr. Bond. RYAN: I always wonder why villains give away their plans and give the heroes a chance to escape... STEVE: I think it's in their contracts somewhere >Sonic's smile turned cruel; and lewd. >"I'll break you like I did Sally, Geoffrey..." > RYAN: Bad thought, dude, BAD THOUGHT!! SAMANTHA: Does Kefka relish giving people bad mental images? MARK: That's amazing. This is the second time in this story *alone* where Kefka has managed come up with a rape scene idea more horrible than Sonic and Antoine. > > "You'll never break me!" The Skunk spit at him. Sonic just laughed >and rubbed his hands over Geoffrey's crotch section. SAMANTHA: Cross section? BRET: No, his... well, you're really better off not knowing. > "Sally told me the same thing my friend...the same thing..." He >kissed his neck softly and nipped at his fur. SAMANTHA: So he's gonna take a bite now and save the rest for later, right? STEVE: What, so Sonic's a vampire now? Geez, that *sounds* about like something Kefka would come up with... >"Tell me about the >Returners..." He pressed his crotch to Geo's and rubbed them together. NASH: Uh... Sonic, it doesn't work like that... [begins tapping his pointer fingers together] ... y'know, boink-boink? MARK: Look, if he can't figure out how to do it then we don't have to watch it! >"Oh yessss.." Whispered Sonic, feeling himself become erect. > "N-no!" Geoff struggled under him but to no avail. SAMANTHA: Just like every other character in this story. > "Give me what I want Geoff, or I'll take what I want." He spread >his legs and looked into the skunk's eyes. "You know I will; don't >you..." BRET: After five chapters of this stuff... pretty much, yeah. RYAN: HEY!! Glowy guy!! Where are you?! [The screen glows, then shakes slightly, and the rape scene is fast-forwarded past] RYAN: Thanks! SAMANTHA: I guess this was another one of those rape scenes. NASH: Too bad it can't get rid of this whole thing. STEVE: Wow. We should try and do something nice for him. MARK: Maybe we could sacrifice an EVA model kit to him. > > "I enjoyed you, Geoffrey..." BRET : Of course, the fact that I even wanted to touch you is completely implausible, but what the hell! >Chortled Sonic as he dismounted him. SAMANTHA: Geoffrey's a skunk, not a horse, you idiot! >And now, comes the really fun part..." NASH : Just let me get my *clown* suit... >he picked up his blade and moved >back to Geoff and kneeled down . . . SAMANTHA: Whoa boy! Bret, darling, close your eyes. BRET: If this is what I think it is, you certainly don't have to tell *me* twice. RYAN: Oh no! My fragile innocence! MARK: You're about as innocent as Monica Lewinsky. RYAN: HEY!! STEVE: Damn you, Kefka, this is *not* cool! You don't even *joke* about doing that to a guy! NASH: Fortunately, it will only be a small loss. > Sonic stabbed the blade into his leg, causing Geoffrey to wake >with a scream. SAMANTHA: GASP!! I never would have thought that someone would wake up with a scream after having a sword plunged into their leg. I always thought people would wake up giggling! RYAN: You never know with some people... >"Shut up, Skunk!" Sonic struck him down again and drove the >blade down MARK [doing gesture of 'Mole People' professor]: Down, down, down... >until it tore from the otherside and pinned his leg. SAMANTHA : One... Two... Three... Sonic is the new HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION of the WORLD!!! RYAN: Naw, the sword made the pin. Sonic's the lackey... >Geoff >Continued to scream gripping his leg; tears r unning down his face. >Sonic grabbed his neck and twisted; breaking it. BRET : Now, I just need you to look over here for a moment, and... damn, did it again. >"You should have stayed >silent..." Sonic continued to slice at his leg, peeling the fur and >skin off. NASH : This will make a lovely leg-warmer! BWAHAHAHAHA! SAMANTHA: So Sonic was a butcher before he became an evil dictator. How nice to know. [The screen suddenly glows and fast forwards past yet another really icky scene] BRET: What? Didn't we already have the rape scene? MARK: Well, to the best of my ability to tell, the scene we're zipping past seems to have something to do with cannibalism. BRET: THE HELL?! RYAN: Wow. I miss CATS and his 'inches' right now... > > "Aww Geoff; you died before you let me bite into the thing I >wanted to so badly..." Sonic looked between Geoffrey's legs and >grinned. "Well then," He Chuckled again. "I won't let that stop me...." NASH : ... since I just so happen to have some hot dog buns and relish handy... RYAN: Hey Nash, you forgot about the two other things that Sonic would probably make a good shishkabob out of. SAMANTHA: Oh man... This is beginning to push *my* limits! BRET: Ugh. Same here. SAMANTHA: But as long as we have each other, we can survive it. BRET: Got that right. [Samantha leans over and Bret pulls her into a long, lingering kiss] MARK & STEVE: Get a room! RYAN: Or get me a date! I'm bored! NASH [pulling out a mysteriously convenient camcorder]: No, no, don't let us stop you! Just run with your instincts. Man, I could put a new *wing* on my house with this! SAMANTHA: [takes a throwing star from the small of her back and nails the camcorder with it, all the while still kissing Bret.] NASH: YIKES! [drops the broken camcorder] > > * * * > > Geoff had returned from the forest and back to the cave where he >quickly took hold of the first soldier he found. SAMANTHA : Oh, and Geoff has the guard in a head lock! There's no escape from him! >"When is the meeting with >the Neo Freedom Fighters?" BRET <'Geoffrey'>: I want to slaugh... er, *talk* to them. > "Uh...sir...S-shouldn't you know that sir?" STEVE : You wouldn't happen to be an evil shapeshifter out to destroy us, would you, sir? > "Don't argue with me, mate!!" he hissed and grabbed his neck. >"I've had a good day so far, mate, don't screw it up!!" MARK : Don't make me perform a random act of kindness... > "...S...s...sir!! yes sir.. I won't sir!! it's....a..at the Old >Power ring site at sunset!" > SAMANTHA: And no one suspects anything? What a bunch of idiots! I mean, *someone* must have heard Geoff screaming his lungs out in pain! RYAN : Hey, did you hear something? NASH : You mean that tremendous scream that sounded like someone was being flailed alive? RYAN : Yeah. NASH : Nope, can't say that I did. RYAN : Oh. So, up for some parcheesi? > > "Now ..." He smiled and patted the guard on top the head. "That's >all you had to say..." He smiled. "Inform me when we're about to leave" >"Y..Y...yes second in command..." RYAN <"Geoffrey">: Didn't I say to call me number one? NASH : ...just trying to get us to the plot point, sir... >Geoffrey stopped cold for a moment. BRET: Some anti-freeze will take care of that. >And thought about what he was just called....If he was second >in command....Who was the leader? ALL: Snively! > > * * * SAMANTHA: Star light, star bright, end this fanfic tonight. > > A few hours later they prepared leave for the meeting with the Neo >Freedom Fighters. STEVE: They all made sure to pack up some nice warm sweaters and a change of underwear. >Geoffrey had ordered most of the men to stay behind >and with but a few raised eyebrows and confused looks they did so. SAMANTHA: After all, they *are* rock stupid. >With that >Geoffrey took only the small kit with him and a few guards. MARK: The kid's also the Returners main strategist. >Geo Chuckled softly as the other guards went to place their Tek-bikes NASH: ... by William Shatner. >in a safe place. >They had stopped a distance away from the meeting place to make sure >nothing foul was at hand. BRET: Um... why are they next to the Power Rangers gravel pit again? Kefka, you're *not*... >"Well mate" Geo said looking at the little >Kit who smiled largely at him. "We're alone for a while..." BRET: ... he *is*... SAMANTHA: Oh no. This is bad. STEVE: *BAD*?! This is unholy! RYAN: Screw unholy!! Kefka's in the Tsunai zone!! > > > "We sure are Mistah St. John!" the little fox kit smiled. > "Yes...only I aint John..." MARK : No, it's 'I'm not John'. We have to use proper grammar! So repeat after me... > "Wha?" NASH: NO! It's not really Geoffrey?! I don't believe it! Who *ever* could it be? > "Oh yes, little one..." The kit backed away some when he saw >Geoff's form shift into the Dark One. BRET : NOOOOO!! It's Kefka! SAMANTHA: Yipes! Sonic is a changeling! NASH: My God! It's *Sonic*?! Oh, man! That surprises never stop in this story! > "N...no.....not you...." STEVE : How did I get roped into this scene?! Somebody call my agent! > "Oh yesssss my little sweet sweet youth..." SAMANTHA: So the Kit is a piece of fruit now. >He grabbed the child's >hand and pulled him closer. "I'm hungry for my toy... MARK: Actually, one of those Hot Wheels racetracks *would* hit the spot right about now... RYAN: Hey... whatsyername... aren't ya gonna fast forward now? >do you know who my toy is, little one?" SAMANTHA: That rubber ducky in your tub? > "...P-p-princess S-sally?" He felt Sonic's hands slowly rubbing >the base of his tail and feeling around that area. ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! >The Fox tried to scream but Sonic cupped his mouth. SAMANTHA: With a tea or coffee cup? Inquisitive minds want to know! > "Shhhhhh" Whispered Sonic in the fox's ear then licked the tip. BRET [stands up and pulls out a slip of paper]: Spirits of Tsunai, I banish you from this fanfic! This child molestation scene will stop! AKURYO TAISAN!! [nothing happens] BRET [collapses back into seat]: I'm being punished for something, I *know* it... RYAN: Nonononono!! I can't go through TWO pedophile fics!! >"My your warm....So warm and sweet. . . bastard Foxes like you don't >grow everywhere in the slums..." Sonic moved his hands under ALL: ARRGGHH!!! [The screen glows and fast-forwards past another bad scene... a really *long* bad scene] SAMANTHA: First women, then men, the young girls, and now boys... That's it! I'm going to kill this guy myself!!! RYAN [growls]: Get in line. > > Sonic smiled and dusted himself off, the stains on his pants >annoyed him a bit NASH: *Coffee stains*... they're just coffee stains... >but he pulled them up and made himself look as >Gentlemanly as possible. He switched his Form back to Geoffrey and >picked up the baby fox's body; he kissed it's face softly SAMANTHA: So the boy is a hermaphrodite now? >and licked the lips. STEVE: *Wax lips*... just a pair of wax lips... RYAN: Wake me up if something interesting happens... like never. [settles down and falls asleep] >"I'll remember you....don't think I'll forget.." MARK [extremely dark]: Don't think *we'll* forget, either... >he dropped him down with a crack and headed onward. SAMANTHA: I swear, if Sonic is in the next AAA, then the *BLEEP*s gonna hit the fan! STEVE: Foreshadowing, folks! > > > * * * > > In the camp site the Neo Freedom Fighters waited, calmly for the >second in command to arrive. A hooded small figure BRET: A Jawa? >stayed in the >shadows; he called himself the leader of the Returners. NASH: Everyone else called him Pauline. >Miles tapped his foot >and slowly paced back and forth. "Listen wher e's your second in command? >And why don't you take off that hood..You're beginning to annoy me..." SAMANTHA: Okay... but wouldn't a better question be 'prove that you're the leader of the Returners' or something like that? >"Fine if it'll make you happy Fox," the small figures hood fell off. STEVE
: Damn 'Made in Taiwan' crap!! >Miles eyes widen and he took a step back. "S....Snively!!!" SAMANTHA: Why does Tails sound so surprised? We've known that little nugget of info since Chapter 3. >"Correct..." The Overlander MARK: *Not* to be confused with the Highlander... BRET: ... since there can be only one. >looked old, worn out, but determined. His light Green >outfit was exactly what he use to wear before the take over. NASH: Sadly, Snively had gained about 50 pounds since then. It was like looking at Lou Albano in spandex! >He smiled half >heatedly. "I'm surprised you didn't realize..." SAMANTHA: Such a twisted plot device? No, although we should since this *is* Kefka writing this crap. > 'I thought the dark one killed you...." STEVE : Well, he did, but fortunately I had a Kryptonian regeneration matrix hooked up. >"'Thought' is the keyword. SAMANTHA: As in no one actually thinks... >Now as soon as my second in command comes and my spies we'll be >ready..." > Miles looked at Lunarus who only snorted. MARK: Kinda sad. I hear Lunarus is going through 200 dollars a day with that habit. >A rustling came from >the bushes near by and Geoffrey pranced in. SAMANTHA: Prance, prance, prance... >"Hey mates! Sorry I di...." He >looked at Snively for a moment, his mouth hanging open. > BRET <'Geoffrey'>: Damn! Somebody must've whacked you upside the head with the whole ugly *tree*! > > "Well now Geoffrey, it's about time you arrived. Are the spies >with you?" The skunk tried to shake his head but couldn't. SAMANTHA: And *no* one even sees the surprise on Geoff's face? Oh man, everyone lost a hundred IQ points in between chapters! > "No...we're here..." Everyone turned as Bunny, Amy and Dulcy >approached from the direction of Sonotropolis. "We had to make sure the >Dark One wasn't here nor following us. NASH: And a fine job of it you did, too. >Our other was injured and had >to remain in the city..." The Rabbot sighed. STEVE : He tried to eat Pop Rocks and drink soda at the same time. Poor thing's head exploded. Don't worry, he's getting better. > <> Thought Geoffrey/Sonic and hissed a bit >under his breath. <> SAMANTHA: With their Visa because they didn't bring cash... We know already! God, this guy sounds like that Raven fellow you all hate. MARK: The Chaos Emerald of Evil would explain a *lot* of Raven's gimmick. BRET: And Sonic's certainly been showing a... *preference* not unlike Scott's... > "This is all to weird..." Miles commented as he moved closer. SAMANTHA: Hang on... looks like Tails has *some* smarts after all. >"Just about everyone I thought dead is actually alive... NASH : And many people I thought alive were actually dead, like Strom Thurmond! >then I think >they are with Sonic, only to be speaking the truth and being Returners." SAMANTHA: Then again, maybe not. > "Ya'll think the Dark One o' kills our spirits fo' freedom?" STEVE : I claim this fanfic in the name of Ireland!! FREEDOM! >Chuckled Bunny. "He ain't nuthin' but guttah trash." They all laughed >at that. > >Well....Everyone one but Geoffrey. SAMANTHA: And still no one notices. > > <dismembering their bodies >and souls at this moment will do you no good.....>> he repeated to himself. NASH: He'll need to find the instructions first, so he can put them back together when he's done. SAMANTHA: This is a dream, I can control it. This is a dream, I can control it. This is a dream... BRET: What movie is that from? SAMANTHA: I can't remember. RYAN [thinks for a minute]: Um... one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies? [Samantha shrugs] > "Care to tell us how you guys survived?" Asked Sonya as everyone >began to calm and take their seats. STEVE : Yogurt. Lots and lots of yogurt. > "Quiet simple really..." Replied Snively. "Angela saved us >Miles... SAMANTHA: But didn't Sonya ask the question? >she teleported us to the world of the guardians where they healed >our wounds and prepared us for the war to come." BRET: And exactly where were these all-friggin'-powerful guardians of yours when Sonic was blowing up continents and raping small children?! > "But why wasn't I or Tony taken there?" SAMANTHA: Because you guys suck! > "They told us it was your destiny young Miles." Replied Amy. "You >are a guardian of the Chaos Emerald..." RYAN: Uh, WHICH chaos emerald? MARK: Tails is a guardian, so he can't hang out with the guardians. Of course. >Geoffrey's eyes glared down at >the two tailed Fox. SAMANTHA : I'm huge! > "Well as you probably know we've taken back the princess so she >may be safe from the Dark One." NASH: Heck no! Just watch, Kefka will find some way to get her into a rape scene before this is over. > "Is she here, Mate?" Asked Geoffrey; mentally licking his lips >with anticipation. SAMANTHA: Mmmm-mmm! Finger licking good! >Tails nodded he moved away his cape to reveal STEVE: ...a *stunning* double breasted business suit, from Armani. >a clinging princess Sally. SAMANTHA: It's so funny to see women written as weak useless baggage... I'M GONNA KILL KEFKA WHEN WE GET DOWN FROM HERE!!! ARRGGHH!!! BRET [pulling her close]: I know. It hurts me, too. >Geoffrey had to shift his legs and tame a groan RYAN: Down boy, down! >of sexual lust for the aristocrat. MARK: ... with only a whip, a chair, and his wits! >"It's Good to s ee you, Princess..." >She just nodded slightly. > SAMANTHA: And her head fell off. Oh, the humanity! > > "Anyway," commented Sonya. "How'd you survive Sonic, Geoffrey?" NASH : Bomb shelter. Never did think that thing would really come in handy. >Sonya never did like the skunk; his ego was worst then her brothers; >she often thought. > "Oh... Well I uhh..Just did." Replied Geoffrey. [stunned silence] STEVE: The goofy meter must've just exploded and hit me in the head with high velocity shrapnel. Did I really just read that? BRET: Sonic must've gotten possessed by one of the really stupid demons from Hell. RYAN: Or Richard Nixon. BRET: Same difference. >"Another thing mate...I got some bad news for ya Snively..." SAMANTHA: Sure, avoid the subject. That oughta keep the suspicion off you! MARK: If that last *brilliant* bit of dialogue didn't clue them in, then nothing short of Sonic smacking them on the head with a giant sign that says 'I raped and killed Geoffrey St. John' will. > "And that is?" Geoffrey looked away slightly as a lewd and cruel >grin formed. NASH : Are you done? Can I look now? > "I raped and killed your son." STEVE : Oh, well isn't that.... THE HELL?! >Everyone went silent for a moment; >a small chuckle emitted from Geoffrey's voice. He backed away from >everyone and turned away. "I have all of your souls now..." SAMANTHA: And he did that how? BRET: He bought them from CitiBank in a big block of souls to help stock his high-yield soul portfolio. >They rose up MARK: ... and thus did the Isrealites smite the Hittites, and destroy them utterly. >and drew weapons as the dark one's figure repla ced Geoffrey's. "Hello >scum..." SAMANTHA: The Men in Black. Defending Earth from the scum of the universe. RYAN: I'd sure like one of those little crickets right about now... oooh! Or the neuralizer! Zap Kefka and make him stop writing for all of eternity! > >Sally screamed... NASH: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. > He drew his blade. SAMANTHA: In a beautiful artistic form reminiscent of the Renaissance. >He looked over at his supposed loyal followers. >"Oh you three will most dearly pay..." > "Are you brain dead?" Growled Knuckles STEVE: No, Sonic has a brain that wouldn't die. >rising from his seat "your >outnumbered; we'll kick your butt!" SAMANTHA: *sigh* Who wants to put this down as famous last words? RYAN: I've got it right down with "What's the worst that can happen" and "I've never been happier than I am right now." > "Would you now? Perhaps an Ultima would help; change your 'tude." >They were silent for a moment. BRET : Oh. I guess we'll just cave in now. >"Just as I thought....Now .. I propose >an interesting way to entertain ourselves... MARK : There shall be... karaoke!! NASH : First everyone takes their pants off and puts on these lovely garter belts... >I want to battle most of the key members. SAMANTHA: Not all of them, just the important ones. STEVE: Oh, I get it. SONIC DELETE KEY!!! > "What do you mean?" Tails asked holding the quivering Sally close. > "Well....I already had my... BRET: ...Shatner talking... lessons. I.... think they... seem to be... working... >intimate lust satisfied......... MARK : I stayed up late cuddling and talking about the future. >Well..Not compleatly" he said while looking at Sally. NASH : Cause once they've had a taste of the *big Valbowski*, they neeever go back... >"I feel my blood lust now. So each of you, yes you, shall all have the >chance to fight me!" SAMANTHA : If thou shouldst happen to beat me, I shalt not rape you! STEVE : Uh... thanks? > The crowd began to murmur. ALL: Rhubarbrhubarbrhubarbrhubarb... > "And if one you beats me" Sonic gave a chuckle "You can kill me" > The crowd began to Realy murmur now! SAMANTHA: But wouldn't beating him mean killing him? BRET: Well, Sonic's the star of this story and he can take advantage of the stupid inferior supporting characters if he wants to. > > > "However" The hedgehog continued "The fights are one-on-one" MARK: Hold on a minute. Let's go over this, shall we? The Freedom Fighters won't attack Sonic because he's more powerful than all of them combined, correct? BRET: Uh-huh. MARK: But they *will* try to beat him individually. BRET: Right. MARK: Ah. Thank you. [pause] ARRRGGGGGHHHH!! RYAN: We know it hurts, man, just let it out... >The crowd's hope began to over. SAMANTHA: Hey, Kefka's keyboard isn't working so well either! NASH: Please. Anyone with that kind of push would be over. >"HEY! Be lucky I'm giving you a chance at >all! I could kill you now, DO Sally and be back before dinner!" STEVE : Instead, I'm going to kill you all of the course of the next few hours, do Sally, and be back home slightly *after* dinner! SAMANTHA: And, being the nice guy that he is, Sonic is going to be honorable in this fight... >Tails' anger flared at that last comment. Sonic co uld tell they wanted to >fight "Gooood...now let's begin" BRET: IT HAS BEGUN! >he turned to Snively. "Oh Snively, I wish I >would have known your brat was family. I would have enjoyed doing him >even MORE" A lewd smile came across his face. SAMANTHA: So that boy fox was Snively's son? MARK: Ah, nothing compliments child molestation more than just a little incest for extra flavor. > Snivley's face was pale "You'r...You're LYING!!" NASH : I'm gonna tell Mom!! > "Oh..am I dear cousin? SAMANTHA: Now Kefka's just tossing in relations for the hell of it! >A little fox with a lisp... >name..................Elex?" STEVE : You idiot! I'm human! How could I have a son who's a fox? RYAN [laughs a bit]: Ah, if that were only true... > Snively's face looked liked his world have caved in. It did. He >loved his son more then his own life. More then the cause of the >Returners. His son was his life. "Yes, Snortley" > "YOU BASTARD!!" SAMANTHA: You killed Kenny! RYAN: Now how many times has that joke been done? SAMANTHA: About as many times as the authors been flamed. RYAN: Only five? Well here's one more. Mmmmffpghdphg? NASH : Yeah, I think Sonic DOES like his pets that much. >Snively threw the cloak off of him and drew his >sword. BRET: In a more modern day style rather than a renaissance one. >"I'll kill you..... > "You have to beat me first" MARK: Exactly how could you enforce a rule like that? > Snively lunged at Sonic, Sonic moved to to right avoiding the >powerful swing. "I'll make this quick, Snotley" Sonic then began to >chant while Snively kept swinging at him, missing each swing. NASH: Damn. Sonic must be one of those Avatars. STEVE: That's an *incredibly* frightening thought. > Suddenly Lighting stuck Snively down. RYAN : DAI-RAI-JIN-GEKI!! SAMANTHA: All right! Sonic may be killing them, but at least he's getting rid of the cast that's been plaguing us for the past five chapters! > As he hit the ground one word came out of his mouth RYAN: Rosebud? BRET : ...Muffins. >"Elex.." > "Hmpf. Not much of a fight. I hope the rest of you are better. >So who's next?" SAMANTHA: Didn't Nappa say the same thing? MARK: Dammit! We've already used our Goldberg riff! > "Try me, you scum" Locy stepped up > NASH : I'm in your grocer's freezer! > > "I've already did. I would looovvve to try more though" Sonic >crocked an eyebrow. STEVE: Nah, HHH did that impression a lot better. RYAN: I could sure go for some Betty Crocker right about now... > "You sicko.." BRET: And we're just *noticing* this, Locy?! > "Thank you" Locy jumped into the crowd-made circle. MARK: Nothing's made like crowd-made. RYAN: And the crowd hasn't figured out that even Sonic can't stand up to a full mob beatdown. >Her armor >polished, her fur clean, her lance sharpen. NASH: Unfortunately, she had a few creases along her spine, so she could only be graded near-mint. >Too bad it wouldn't stay >this way. STEVE : Oh, that Locy's so *hard* on clothes... >"Locy or should I say Sara? Long time no see. Got your old form >back. You still look as good as when I firs t did you." SAMANTHA : Just do it. > "Shut you mouth" RYAN: He's just talking about Shaft. NASH: We can dig it. > Locy's voice was dark "Let's fight" RYAN : Ready? FIGHT! BRET : What a marvelous suggestion! Let's, shall we? >She held up >her lance, and put her helmet on. MARK: She's Ankoku! > Sonic smiled at her. 'I'll keep her alive for fun' he thought. >Locy then charged at him. <> he thought <fool>> But Locy stopped before she reached Sonic, Did a spilt under him >and thrust her lance upward. SAMANTHA: Ohh... That looks like it's gonna hurt! NASH: Sonic's definitely gonna need some Preparation H. RYAN: Looks like Locy's a member of the Lorena Bobbit fan club. >Sonic moved back ju st in time to avoid >getting hit *there* but got a cut cheek instead. STEVE: And next Sonic's going to break a pin with a superkick. > Sonic leapt back and felt his cheek. He smiled at the blood. >"Thank you, Locy" BRET : Oh, think nothing of it, old boy. SAMANTHA : Thanks for the memories.. > "Shut up you, bastard!" She yells as she swung her lance towards >him. > Sonic grabbed the lance, put force on the middle and flipped Locy >over. "OOF!!" Locy quickly reacted to this attack and forced the >pointed end of her lance towards him. MARK: So she tried to poke him with it, correct? >However Sonic's strength held it at bay. SAMANTHA: Uh... Hmmm... I take my riff back from Chapter 4. Dr. Thinker didn't write fight scenes *this* confusing. > "Now, now now Locy...you think I let you win so easy?" Locy seems >to draw back a bit. "Well...at least you're smart...I~" He was cut >off. By Locy's dagger in his leg. NASH: Just a little bit higher, Locy... >"ARRGGGG!!" he breathed a little bit >deeply "Nice throw, little toy, but I tire of this game...." SAMANTHA : You weak and pathetic fool. > >Locy took back her lance and jabbed it at Sonic again but missed. >Sonic in turn grabbed her armor and a red light omitted from his hands. STEVE: As such, nothing happened, and Locy then gutted him and strangled him with his own intestines. The End. MARK: That was a bit much. But what's on Raw? > Locy tried to struggle under his glowing hands but to no avail. BRET : Gee, we haven't seen *that* before. >Her armor was getting hotter...burning...like a furence. > >Sonic was cooking her like a meal in the oven. SAMANTHA: This time *I* get dibs on the drumsticks! RYAN: Damn... alright, I got dibs on dark meat then. NASH: Nothin' says lovin' like a Locy in the oven. > > "LET ME GO, BASTARD!!!" She screamed. > >Sonic just laughed at it. STEVE : Oh, that whimsical Carrot Top... > > She screamed out Antoine's name but the crowd had to hold her fox >lover back in fear of an Ultima. SAMANTHA: Great going crowd! The love of his life is being roasted and all you can think of is saving your own butts! > Sonic threw her into the crowd when he was done. MARK : All right! Free Locy! > The crowd TRIED to attend to Locy. But her armor was too hot to >touch. BRET: Can't touch this! Da, da-da-da, da da, da da... [as Bret hums the rest of the song, Ryan gets up and starts dancing ala Hammer] NASH: Yeah, dance that funky music, white boy. [snickers] RYAN [sits down]: Oh, shut up. >many filled up Buckets of water and splashed her armor but a >silence came when she stopped moving. SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. That Dragoon armor certainly came in handy. >Antoine, already in his hysterical >state, could stand no more. SAMANTHA: He snapped and confronted Sonic in a blaze of hatred, easily getting himself killed. NASH: And there was much rejoicing. ALL : Yay. > > While all this was happening, Sonic just stood there chuckling. >Tony withdrew his blade from it's holder > SAMANTHA: That's scabbard, you idiot! > > and jumped into the circle. >"Sonic! You bastard!! I'll make you pay!!!" He shouted STEVE : You will taste my clinched vengeance, ne'er-do-well! > "Yeah right" Sonic snickered This angered our hero even more. RYAN: Oh great, Kefka's starting to assume. MARK: Excuse me? When did the official useless baggage of Mobius become *our* hero? STEVE: Look, *my* hero would've found some way to ironically kill Sonic somewhere in part two. >Antoine took repeated jabs at him but Sonic's quick speed avoided every >one. "HA!" Sonic simply advanced and punched Ant in his jaw, causing >blood to spill. SAMANTHA : See? Got him mad so that he could easily be killed. > "ARGG" Ant had to take a split second to relocate his jaw, BRET: Antoine's jaw received the new name Eddington Pendergrass and was set up as a car salesman in Pensacola, Florida. >but a >split second was all Sonic needed. He retracted his claws and slashed >at Ant's sides. Antoine dropped to his knees. NASH: Uh-oh. Wolf's gonna be pissed. Not to mention Knuckles, and Wolverine, and... SAMANTHA: So he retracted his claws and slashed with them... and since when did Sonic *have* claws? MARK: A human being who is sadly unable to tell the 'synonym' and 'antonym' parts of a thesaurus apart. STEVE: Well, yeah, but at least Kefka has an excuse. We *know* he doesn't have a dictionary. ><failed?....Locy.........>> Was all that ran through his mind. Sonic >lifted up his elbow and stuck the back of Ant's head. BRET: Sonic's doing the People's Elbow! Kinda appropriate, when you think about it. NASH : Best damn elbow in the business today! >Knocking him down. ><> MARK: Because you're a weenie and a loser? >Was his last thought before slipping off.... SAMANTHA: Into La-la land! [Everyone cheers] SAMANTHA: Whatever happens from this point on, at least that wimp Antoine is dead. > "So," he said casually "Who's next?" STEVE: DAMMIT!! You just *had* to do that joke, didn't you? [Bret just gives him his trademark Hitman smirk] >Lunarus pushed Mecha Sonic out in the circle. BRET : C'mon, it'll be fun! [sings] 'The farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell...' > "Why you..." Mecha mumbled to Lunarus. SAMANTHA: Ah Lunarus! That wily wit of yours shines through again! > "Ahh look! The traitor robot! Now let's see what the tin can can NASH: CHA-CHA-CHA!! >do against me!" > "Fine" Mecha extracted his claws to their full 1 foot length >"Let's go" Mecha said in his calm mode > "Lovely pins ya got there" Sonic complimented MARK : Too bad they're just *press-ons*. >"But not enough to >do any good for you" Mecha then teleported behind Sonic. "Eh?" Mecha >slashed Sonic's back. RYAN : Shuken Idou! SAMANTHA: Oh, once the guys from Dragon Ball Z hear about Mecha ripping off their moves... > "ARGGGG!!" He backhanded the hedge-bot. "Nice. But don't expect >too many more of those." With that Sonic casted Demi on him. STEVE : 'The Scarlet Letter'... 'Striptease'... those horrible movies... GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! >A Dark >Grey ball shot out at Mecha striking him and absorbing his energy, BRET: Thus bringing Sonic one step closer to the resurrection of Queen Metallia! >removing >more then half. Mecha made a few glitchin g noises but hovered himself >from the ground and started firing rapid plasma beam shots at Sonic. SAMANTHA: Hey! Vegita has copyrights to that move! Lawsuit! Lawsuit! > "Oooo" Sonic quickly castes a reflective shell around himself and >bounced the shots back to Mecha Sonic. > "YIP!" They sent him to the ground again. RYAN [laughs]: Yip?! NASH: I've been hit with burning hot plasma! YIP! MARK : BOOMSHAKALAKA! > "Now...traitor. What you've been doing is called treason." Sonic >stood over the land bound Mecha and held him down with his feet "Know >what they did to people who committed treason in the OLD days?" > > No answer. STEVE: That's actually a pretty smart move. You lose 1/4 of a point for every wrong answer, so it's better to skip. > > "Well....allow me to demonstrate" Sonic grabs Mecha by the neck >and head and *RIP* He snapped Mecha's head off. SAMANTHA: That sure as hell didn't sound like a snapping sound. BRET : Sonic the Hedgehog KILLED ME! Sonic the Hedgehog KILLED ME! > "Hmpf" Sonic tossed the head in the crowd along with the rest of >the body. ALL : HEAD! HEAD! HEAD! > "Why that mother.." Mumbled Mecha's head. > "Now now Mecha...Pull yourself TOGETHER!" Laughed the hedgehog. > "I swear. Are you guys trying to beat me by boring me?" NASH: I've been wondering the same thing about Kefka. > Sonya shook her head in disgust at her brother's jokes. SAMANTHA : Well I've lost about three friends now and my brother's making horrible jokes. Ho-hum, just another day... > > * * * > > Meanwhile.... (This part of the episode was written by: >SkyMog@AOL.com) SAMANTHA: [quickly writes the e-mail address down] MARK: Hey! Maybe we'll get a good writer! RYAN: Mark, if he was a good writer, why in the hell would it have been sent up here? >Off in the sky, a small vehicle was entering the Mobian atmosphere. >This vehicle was not going in normally, but spinning out of control. STEVE: Gods, no! Their generic vehicle is going to have a generic crash! RYAN : Those alien bastards are gonna pay for trashing my ride... >After about 3 minutes, it reached Sonotropolis, and was on fire. It neared >the citadel of Sonic. SAMANTHA: Then it crashed and took out the control section of the factories. Without them, the power plants of the factories overloaded and detonated, killing everyone for miles around and ending their suffering. BRET: Which forces us to ask the question: what's on Raw? > >5....... SAMANTHA: Reasons not to hurt Kefka? Yeah right! I can't think of *one*! > >There was a flash of light in the vehicle.... > >4....... NASH: Oh, man... we're back in the first chapter. STEVE: Now I know why the planet's called Mobius! The horror never ends! ARGH! > >It almost makes impact...... SAMANTHA: Damn! > >3....... > >It is only 50 feet away from the top of the citadel...... MARK: I'm only fifty feet away from caring. > >2....... SAMANTHA: More reasons to kill Kefka? Easy enough... > >A figure jumps out of the vehicle...... SAMANTHA
: AHH!!! BRET: *SPLAT*! RYAN : Jeez, we're gonna need the spatula again... > >1....... > >The vehicle crashes into the top of the citadel, breaking off the top. SAMANTHA: Even though it said earlier that it *almost* hits the citadel. Oh well, continuity just flew out the window again. NASH: Well, would you expect anything else from Kefka's protege? >The vehicle flew a little farther, and then exploded. The figure looks >at the crash, and then pauses for a moment, as if he was listening to >someone. STEVE
: Yeah, yeah... that definitely sounds like a crash, alright. >He turned to the Great forest a nd bolts out of Sonotropolis, >making a big boom and having a trail of light following him. SAMANTHA: Whoa! The Flash just arrived! MARK : Blue streak speeds by... Sonic the Hedgehog... > > * * * > > At the meeting place, two humans just came into view as Sonic was >attacking the others. SAMANTHA: It's Self-Insertion day here in ASADAE Part 6. >Sonic just saw the two and said, "Who the hell are >you two? It doesn't matter, I'll take care of you." He charged at one >of the humans with his sword. The other o ne pulled out his sword, and >attacked Sonic. It looked ocward, the tall human fighting Sonic. BRET: It looked ocward, did the author's spelling. SAMANTHA: That's spelled awkward, Kefka. MARK: Remember, this isn't Kefka, it's his protege. > "Mac!" the other human yelled, "What are you doing!?!?!" SAMANTHA: No! Not Sailor Mac! Leave her alone, Sonic! RYAN: Don't worry. I think this is a guy. > "Saving you're behind, Josh," Mac said back. Sonic continued to >attack Mac, until he saw something on Mac's sword. STEVE: It was a carving of a dragon! 'There can be only one', shouted the human before he lopped Sonic's head off... > He paused, and then yelled, "HOW CAN A %@#$*&^ HUMAN HAVE >POSSESSION OF THE SOUL EATER!?!?!?!?!" He then started to shoot energy >at the two. NASH: But you wouldn't *believe* where it came from... RYAN: I have the very bad feeling this is gonna be of some importance later. >Josh was able to hold off the blast and alert a certain someone. SAMANTHA: Another Author Avatar? > "MIKE!" Josh screamed, "Help us! Find this signal!" BRET: Oh, they're calling *Mike*? Sonic doesn't have a chance! > A couple seconds later, a missile hit the ground, and forces Sonic >to stop firing at Josh, and Mac. "WHAT THE *#&$ WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!" SAMANTHA: Wasn't that Cid's Fourth Limit break? RYAN: Nah, there would've been a hell of a lot more missles. >Just then, a figure dived into the area, and delivered a kick to the >back of Sonic's head. RYAN: ALRIGHT!! A boot to the head makes it's appearance! MARK: Unlike those McFarlane figures, which can't friggin' move. > Now everyone else was completely confused by now STEVE: Yeah, pretty much. What does this have to do with anything, Kefka? And isn't Sonic in the Great Forest beating up the Freedom Fighters? >(who wouldn't?). >Now, THREE humans are in the area. NASH : THREE! Three useless humans! Ah-ha-ha-ha! >The third one had metallic arms and >legs. > "Mike!" Josh yelled, "You made it!" SAMANTHA: That had better not be Mike Nelson! > "Yea, but we really need to get some insurance for our Ship," Mike >replied, smiling. > "Cocky, aren't you?" Sonic said BRET: Oh, like *you* should be talking. >as he stood up and fired a blast >at the three while they were off guard. Josh and Mac were blasted >back, but Mike jumped out of the way just in time. SAMANTHA: Jump back! Kiss myself! > Mike landed on the ground and saw that his twin and his best >friend were now unconscious. MARK: So Mike's a member of DOA, I take it. > "Gee, your one sick, sick bastard, huh?" Mike commented. SAMANTHA: And he got this within a few seconds of meeting Sonic. This *must* be an Author Avatar. > "This time I won't miss," Sonic said back. Sonic tried another >shot, but Mike then dashed at a tree, almost as fast Sonic could run! STEVE: Sadly, Mike couldn't stop too well, and slammed into said tree at well over 200 miles per hour. Days later, they were still finding Avatar chunks. NASH: And then we they got done, they all decided to go see what was on Raw. >Mike then jumped back and landed behind Sonic. He then pulled out a >handgun and fired at Sonic's head. Sonic fell ove r with a grunt. >"I'm one sixteen year old you don't want to mess with, being the best street >fighter in three universes," Mike replied. RYAN: Somewhere, Ryu is cracking his knuckles to kick a certain someone's ass. BRET: Now I actually *want* Sonic to kill him. SAMANTHA: Yup! Author Avatar! > "Well, lucky you," Sonic healed himself and stood up. He held his >sword in strike position and charged. MARK: Sonic had his intelligence sucked out by the reality warping powers of the Avatar. >Mike leaped over Sonic, and then >pummeled him from behind. Mike then started to dash at him, but then >Sonic shouted, "HINDON STRIKE!" STEVE: A flaming zeppelin fell out of the sky and crushed Mike. >A surged bol t of lightning flew out >of Sonic's hand and struck Mike. Mike wasn't knocked back for some >reason. "Impossible," Sonic started. SAMANTHA: This story is getting incredibly screwed up. I mean, it's like the fabric if reality is unraveling before our very eyes. RYAN: Jeez, this guy couldn't make up a move to save his life. BRET: Oh yeah? What would you have called it? RYAN: I dunno... it had to do with lightning right? Maybe Chou Inazuma Dan or something like that. > "Did I mention I own the lightning rune?" Mike question, >mockingly. A field of lightning surrounded him and then shot at Sonic, >knocking him over. NASH: He drinks lots of Jolt cola, I see. > "Grrrrrrrr...SLOW!" Sonic shouted as Mike dashed at Sonic again. >Mike's speed slowed down immensely. BRET: FAST!! SAMANTHA: What? BRET: Just seeing if that would work in real life. > "Ohhhhhhhhh crap!" Mike yelled. SAMANTHA : Oh poopie. > "Heh, heh, heh.....INFERNO!" A large ball of fire flew at Mike, >knocking him over and scorching the left side of his body. MARK : Mike is on fire! MAH GOD! Sonic wins the Inferno match! RYAN : Burn baby burn... DISCO INFERNO!! NASH: What does he have to do with this? >Mike got >up, and still charged at Sonic. STEVE: Yes, Mike was still stupid. RYAN: He's a self insertion character. What do you expect? >"You're going to be a little harder than I >thought," Sonic spoke. "NUKE!" A large blas t surrounded Mike, making >him fall over, and being completely injured. RYAN: Unfortunately, the ensuing radiation killed everyone else. Sad, really. SAMANTHA: Of course. Can't forget the injured part. NASH: What? So he's dead? BRET: Well... I dunno. NASH: What the hell else would 'completely injured' mean? MARK: Maybe Sonic was just very thorough. You know, made sure the burns were all third degree, and that all of Mike's bones were broken and not just fractured... >Sonic walked over, "You were >such a challenge," He said sarcastically. NASH: Well, at least the Author Avatar got his butt kicked. STEVE: Yeah, but at the cost of what little logic and reason were left in this story. >He rose his blade for the final blow. > >(End of his part..now back the our regularly scedualed writers! ^_^ ) SAMANTHA: Aw crap! Back to Kefka! > > "I can't stand it " screamed Sonya "SONIC! Fight me now!" Sonic >laughed and kicked the body of this Mike Human away and made room for >Sonya. SAMANTHA: Hey! She actually saved someone instead of *being* saved! [pause] The universe is gonna implode pretty soon, isn't it? BRET [beginning to hyperventilate]: But... Sonic fought the humans in Sonotropolis... it had nothing to do with this plotline... time and space are bending at random... ARRGGH!! MARK: I think the fabric of reality *is* coming apart. > "Sure thing...Sis" Sonya drew her blade SAMANTHA: In Anime style. >out and circled Sonic. He >had to use magic to defeat her. So he made the first move and began to >chant. ALL: NUG-GET! NUG-GET! >"FIRE 3!" he screeched, Sonya had time to look up as a red ball >appeared from the dark sky SAMANTHA : Oh poopie! >and struck her down > with the force of an explosion; NASH: ... and the appearance of a shower of spring daisies. >she doubled over but stood again, her >clothing burned. SAMANTHA: And those were brand new, too! > "PEARL" she chanted and a purity mystical bolt shot at him. >Everything became white for he dark one, STEVE : Ebony and Ivory... >a tunnel of pure white magic >encircled him as 3 spheres twirled around him and sent the magi into >his system, causing him deep pain. BRET: DEEP HURTING! DEEP HURTING! > Sonic tried his best to endure the purity attack."That HURT, Sis. >But it didn't hurt as much as I'm gonna hurt you" > Sonya was already delivering a blow however. RYAN: Boy, I didn't think she could get on her knees that quickly... NASH: Not too surprising, really. SAMANTHA: You don't deliver blows with a sword, you slice off limbs with it! >Sonic caught the >sword in midair and kick Sonya back. MARK: Unfortunately, Sonic's hand was sliced clean away in doing so. >"OOf!" She hit the ground but got >up quickly. STEVE: Only a one-count!! > "Don't you just LOVE sibling rivalry?" He charged at her and >knocked her down again but Sonya grabbed dirt and threw in his eyes >before he could hit her again. SAMANTHA: Oh, what a *dirty* fighter she is! >"HOW underhanded of yo~.." RYAN: Mama? > Sonya slashed a piece >of his neck. BRET: ... and then gave it back to Sonic nicely wrapped in brown paper. >Sonic released a fireball and bl ew her back while he >covered his neck. "Pretty deep blow. VERY close, Sis." Sonya was already >casting another spell. NASH : Dreezle drazzle drozzle drone... >"OH NO you don't!" Scream Sonic and he released a dark >cloud around her. SAMANTHA: Eww! Sonic farted! > "Wha.."She shook her head a few times. "What was THAT for? Seems >like a pretty unless attack" MARK: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... > "Just wait" SAMANTHA: Don't. Just attack him! > Sonya held her sword up but then... "N....NO!!!!" MARK: And we have soul-crushing mental attack! >The crowd became concerned about her condition. SAMANTHA: Hey, crowd! Now's your chance! Get Sonic! >"Ples....Please" She cried "Don't!! I beg >you!! Knuckles please.......Don't do this..." All head turned to >Knuckles. STEVE : He's snagging on me! He's snagging on me! > "What?" he asked BRET : I'm not doin' nothin! You're not the boss of me! > Sonya dropped to her knees. "PLEASE STOP!! Please.....Please >stop....*sniff* .......I can't stand this..Please by goddess..." NASH : Fran Drescher's voice... in my mind... can't fight... >tears were rolling off of her face. "NOOOOO!!"She started to scream again. >Knuckles angry SAMANTHA: I would certainly hope so. His lady love is about to be killed. RYAN: No way. Sonic would probably want to keep her handy... ugh, that hurt as soon as I said it... >was bearing but he didn't know what was happening to his beloved. MARK: So he *certainly* wasn't going to try and do anything about it! >"Daddy...."She said in almost a whisper. "Not you....*sniff* please >no...I'm your daughter!! Stop!!" Her screaming began again. RYAN : I don't WANT to give grandma a sponge bath!! > "What did you do to her, scum?!!" Demanded Knuckles. > "Oh, nothing." Sonic said casually BRET : Just the fact that I'm torturing her beyond comprehension. Pretty bland, actually... > "I missed hearing her screams. She was always a loud screamer" SAMANTHA: Who said that line? RYAN: Sonic... it had to be Sonic... cause if it was Knuckles or Robotnik, I'd pass out. > Knuckles then realized what was going on. As well did the rest of >the crowd. Sonya was being mentally raped and her attackers in her mind >were Knuckles and her father. Lunarus couldn't stand to hear her >screaming anymore. STEVE : Christ! I used to be able to *hear* with that ear, y'know... >Sonic wouldn't attack her. BRET: Um... he just did... >He would wait till she passed out >over mental exhaustion. "ENOUGH" Lunarus screamed. He leaped right in >and gave Sonya to Knuckles to watch over. SAMANTHA: Finally, he's beginning to play the father figure! > "Well, that was NO fun. I hate forfeits." NASH : C'mon! Let's play again! I'll give myself a handicap! > "Who care about your wants" Lunarus scolded SAMANTHA: What do you know... someone with common sense. > "I DO and the world does....If they knows what's good for them" he >paused "So why ruin my fun with Sonya, hair boy? MARK : Because it's *my* turn to get my butt kicked! > >Lunarus Grinned slightly and began to chant, a grey circle surrounded >him, stripping his fur away and altering his form back into.... > >The Fat Man STEVE: Hugh Morrus? BRET: John Tenta? NASH: Mark Henry? MARK: Vader? SAMANTHA: Chief? RYAN: McCloud! > > The crowd all gasped including the conscious gaining Snivley. SAMANTHA: Especially since he wasn't wearing anything at all! >"Well....You're alive. LONG time no see. Wished it was longer. Hey >'dad' tell me. You proud of your son son for doing what you could NEVER >do?? STEVE: What? Using his ridiculously plot-contrived powers to make audiences ill? > "Oh please! I had reign like you WITH a resistance movement JUST >like you. So you haven't done anything much different in ruling the >planet" SAMANTHA: Uh... I'm not sure who's winning this argument here. Anyone know? NASH: But you have to admit, Sonic *does* get a lot more tail than Robotnik ever did. BRET: Nash... > "Wrong my dear father; Unlike you; I bring FEAR to the >resistance....Look around you father...look at what you could never >do....Smell the fear in the air..." MARK : Ah... that's just the lard processing plant up the road, Sonic. >Sonic inhaled deeply and sighed >with ecstasy. "The rape in the air; the blood...yesss father," Sonic spoke >sarcastically "I've done nothing more then you..." SAMANTHA: Yeah, you became one sick *BLEEP*! > > Robotnik remained silent for a moment STEVE : Hmm... does kinda have a point... > > "Oh...but since you've done more. You'll be brought down much >harder then I have" NASH: Why yes, Sonic *has* been brought down much harder than you have. Y'see, it all goes back to my point about Sonic getting more tail than you... > "Yeah right" he scuffed > "That's what I said a long time ago" Robotnik smiled. BRET : I wasn't very articulate, was I? > "Then I'll have to kill this group quicker. Then..." he looked to >Sally once more who cling to Miles tighter. SAMANTHA : Think you could let go, Sally? I can't feel my leg anymore. > > While this was happening Tails was having a battle in his mind MARK : Original recipe or extra crispy? Can't... decide... >on whether he should fight or not. SAMANTHA : Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! ><comfort I give her during this hard time. STEVE: I dunno, I think Sonic's head on a pike would be *very* comforting to Sally right now. >But if I don't then the >others are at risk. But what IF one of the others beat him then I won't have >to fight and leave Sally. NASH: Well, a mark of great leadership *is* knowing when to delegate responsibility. See, like right now? Completely the wrong time. >Should I fight?>> SAMANTHA: Just fight! You're the leader and your friends are getting killed! There's no choice in this kind of situation! BRET: Look, there's no sense in trying to reason this out. It's Kefka logic, it *can't* make sense. > "..and then I can go back to my merry ways" Sonic remarked ALL : Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream! > "Not if you're defeated" Robotnik added > "Who says I'm gonna lose" A sly smile crossed his face. Robotnik >changed back to his wolf figure and prepared for battle. MARK : Okay, I've got my ten and twenty-sided dice, my character sheet... now where are those maps? >Lunarus immediately casted a black hole trying to draw Sonic into the black >nothingness inside. STEVE : Here... read ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY! >Sonic avoiding it completely. Howev er the same >can't be said about some people in the crowd. SAMANTHA: Oh, good one Robuttnick! RYAN: Now HERE'S where a Kenny joke should go. >"HA!" Laughs Sonic who was >cracking up. NASH: Man, they really need to get him into detox. Worked wonders for Scott. > "DAMN!" Yelled Lunarus. BRET : DAMN! I guess I'm gonna die now! > "What ARE you trying to do!! Make it more easier on me! Stupid >old man!" Sonic was still laughing. Sonic was still cracking up at his >father's stupid mistake. MARK: Sonic pointed and laughed at Robotnik and got all the other kids to call him names and beat him up and snag on him. >This gave Lunarus the chance. "Now.." Sonic >wiped away a tear "where...??" SAMANTHA: Is a good writer? Don't ask us. > >Lunarus was gone. STEVE: The company had replaced with new brightening formula Lunarus, with more cleaning power for your dollar. > > "humph, coward." just as those words of encouragement were spoken NASH: YOU SUCK!! BRET: Thanks for the encouragement. >Lunarus launched an Ice attack at Sonic from behind but missed. "My my >my....Your aim is AWFUL!"Sonic smirked. Lunarus casted a fireball. But >Sonic dodged it and the attack hit the crowd. SAMANTHA: After that first attack, people with *common sense* would have moved away, but not these people! > The rest of the (living) crowd were beginning to wonder who's side >Lunarus was on! MARK : Hey, shouldn't we run for our lives or something? STEVE : Heck no! I wanna stay and see whose side Lunarus is on! >Even Sonic "Who's side are you on, old man?!" > After casting a spell that stopped a majority of the crowd, >Knuckles jumped in and kicked Lunarus out. "You're causing more harm in >a minute then Sonic did in FIVE minutes!!" Yelled echidna. NASH : That's a five-to-one harm ratio! We'll never pass inspection like this! > "Ahhh...this brings back memories. Eh, Knuckles?" SAMANTHA : Memories! Nothing more than memories... > "Yeah" Knuckles got into a battle stance > "Times change tho. It will never be like the battles when we were >almost equal" BRET: It'll be more like the giant jobber squashes we've spent the past ten pages or so reading. > "Just shut up and fight already" Knuckles said calmly His claws >sharpens and ready to draw blood. SAMANTHA: So his claws are artists? > > "Fine" Sonic launched the first attack this time. Doing a jab in >Knuckles face who countered with his claws cutting some of his face. >Sonic kicked him back and was ready with another one of his strong punches. MARK: Y'see, Sonic should be going for a combo here. I'm thinking a couple of mediums followed by some jabs... those slow strong punches will get him killed. RYAN: No wait, a couple of jabs into a few mediums to stagger him. THEN wallop him with a strong! Either that or just beat the bloody hell out of him to do an ultra combo. >But Knuckles got up he chanted for a second and SAMANTHA: ... gave Sonic the time needed to blast him away. >held out his clawed hands and >screamed "TOSHIN KAZE" STEVE: RAMA-LAMA-DING-DONG!! >the wind picked up and light blue boomerang like >blades made of the air fired at Sonic. NASH: When Nerf goes horribly wrong. > > Sonic got hit by some; blood slowly began to spill from various >cuts. SAMANTHA: Yes yes yes... We got the 'blood seeping from wounds' part down pretty good now. >He smiled and simply used his speed and banged Knuckles hard with >his body going 100 mph. BRET: Hasn't there been *enough* banging in this story? SAMANTHA: Damn! What kind of engine does Sonic have under the hood? >This knocked some air out of Knuckles by he could >still fight. SAMANTHA: Fight, yes. Spell, no. MARK: And his grammar went straight to hell about five pages back. >He wouldn't give up so easily. Sonic then uppercut the >determined Knuckles. STEVE : SHORYUKEN! RYAN: Aha! Kefka logic once again! If *I* was fighting, I would've used my whole super bar to do a level three Shouryuureppa! BRET [whispers to Samantha]: I think Ryan's gone a bit off his rocker. SAMANTHA: [whispering back] Well, he has to have something to keep himself busy with. > Red Claw got knocked back a few yards, he regained his center of >balance took in deep breaths drewing up energy for his next attack. NASH: Finally angered to the point of blind rage, Knuckles went Super-Saiyan and proceeded to kill Sonic in a way so horrifyingly bloody that it made Nav wince. BRET: And then he watched Raw! >He had to work quick for Sonic was already coming towards him. SAMANTHA: Actually, Sonic's stunt double was coming at him while the real Sonic was sitting aside, sipping a beer. > "Not like the old days huh?!" Knuckles released his AuraBolt >projectile on the dark hedgehog. MARK: Then Sabin ran-in and proceeded to fly around with his dreadlocks. >A half blinding light blue light >formed in his paws and shot out throwing the hedgehog back. Knuckles saw >this as the perfect time; he grabbed Sonic and leapped up into the air high and >turn ed Sonic down head first, with a grin he let him go to fall head >first into the ground. SAMANTHA: Hey Mark! Sonic just ripped off your trademark wresting move! STEVE: No way! That's an AK-47! MARK: And even if it *is* my move, that just means that Knuckles goes on the list right behind Steve McMichaels and Fit Finley. > Sonic's back was hurting as he rose up slowly, That meant the >stupid chiropractors again. SAMANTHA: Even though he can heal any other wound with his magic. It makes no sense really! >"Now let's have some REAL fun now, Knux! >You're not the only one to draw energy!!" Which he did. Sonic closed >his eyes and held up his hands, a pulsing sound pi erced Knuckles ears, he >held his head and groaned in pain as it became louder and louder. [All hold hands over ears] NASH: Who let Sonic have a Mariah Carey CD? >Sonic >Screamed "Shukketsumimi wo rosuru!" BRET: YUZURENAI NEGAI!! SAMANTHA: KUROI YAGARE!! RYAN: KONGOU KOKURETSUDAN!! MARK: SONOMAMA SHINE!! STEVE: Ah... Gesundheit? NASH: Times like this I wish I had a Japanese/English dictionary. >Meaning Bleeding Deafness. Knuckles >howled out in torment, he removed his gloves from his dreadlocks and >stared at the blo od oozing on them. STEVE : It's red... we're not Code-approved any more... >All he could give is a low moan before >passing out. SAMANTHA: Didn't that happen in Warlock? RYAN: No, the farmer bled from the eyes, not the ears. SAMANTHA: Oh. > "No" Sonic laughed "Who's next?" MARK: God damn you, Bret! That's the fourth time this post! >The next fights were just >regular Returners. He then fought Bunnie who, like Snively, Fell >easily to a lightning spell. SAMANTHA : Ah, I think I'll just pull a Koopa for this fight. > "Now let's see" Sonic looked over the crowd "Who's left?" Everyone >else had fight him and lost, piles of dead and half dead bodies lied >everywhere, NASH: Clean-up on aisle seven... >all were defeated...all... but "MILES! I believe it's YOUR >turn..." SAMANTHA: Everyone fought already? Man, Kefka is pulling more and more Koopa's out of his butt then I thought possible! > Tails had been trying to avoid this as much as he could. BRET: Apparently Miles is a little coward who just STOOD BY while the guy who raped and beat his one true love killed all of his friends and allies! STEVE: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Our hero. RYAN: He ain't MY hero. SAMANTHA: Same here! Bret's *my* hero! >But now he couldn't anymore. SAMANTHA : After all, he *is* the leader of the rebel forces and they can't afford to lose him! >Sally looked up to him knowing he would have to take on >her tormentor. She nodded her head for him to go. MARK : Okay, go and get killed now if you *have* to. I'll just wait here so the winner can have his way with me. >She didn't want him >to fight him. But none of them had a choice in the matter. Tails signals >now concious Bunnie to come over and take Sally. NASH: Nope, that's in Tekka-Sonic. SAMANTHA: But I thought that Sonic killed everyone that he fought... Oww, my head... >He knew she couldn't be alone now. Sally was giving little cries BRET : Happy birthday! Happy birthday! >and Miles prayed he didn't lose the fight against Sonic. SAMANTHA: And I pray that Kefka had better have a good hiding spot because when I find him... > Sonic gave a wicked smiles when he came in. He knew exactly what >to do with 'little' Tails. STEVE: Sonic *would* force him to write a term paper on the French Revolution! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! >Tails didn't waited for no dramatic speech SAMANTHA: What? No twenty minute good guy talk? Boo! I want my money back! MARK : He just went and did it the way he used to back on 110th street, SUCKA! >before the fight he just wanted to destroy Sonic and get back to Sally. >If he won she would never have to go through ANY torment at all! NASH: Yes, people, Tails is just figuring this out. >He wanted to fight now. More then ever. BRET : Well, you should've thought about that before everyone got killed, young man! > "You die!" He took his sword and thrusted it hard at Sonic slicing >his side. STEVE : No peace! Die! > "ACK!" Came from the hedgehog. SAMANTHA: A new character named ACK?! What a weird name. MARK: I've been stabbed! ACK! >"When I'm done with you I'm gonna >get Sally..." NASH : And her little dog, too! >Tails casted an energy draining spell on Sonic which took >only a little power away from him. "Not good enough! Sally gonna >BLEED when I get through with her!!" SAMANTHA: We have now established the fact that Sonic is evil. Thank you, Kefka. BRET: And it only took Kefka, what, 400 pages of gratuitous sexual violence? > "NEVER" Miles yelled slashing his side. > "Oh Sally's gonna bleed more then that!!"Sonic wanted to get Tails >mad. He would be confused and wouldn't fight as good. STEVE: The sad thing is that Sonic's the smartest character in this story. >That wasn't the >only reason why he wanted to make Tails mad. For his own personal >enjoyment he'd watch the foxes eyes flare with r age and fustration, oh >yes, this was the life for the dark one. MARK: Cuz Sonic's, y'know... evil. Just want to make sure everyone's gotten that by now. SAMANTHA : I never wanted to be the dark one. I've always wanted to be... a Lumberjack! >Sonic grabbed hold of Tails and >flipped him over. NASH: Arm-drag takeover! BRET: It's amazing that you know the names of moves you can't do. >He would torment the fox as much as he could. STEVE: But he'd stop when he reached the limit. No point in taking things too far. > > "You know..Sally was on the ground...just like you are now. Only >her screams were much more musical" SAMANTHA: What? Was she playing the flute while you raped her? MARK: No, she was screaming musically, kind of like Enya. RYAN: Or Alanis Morisette. > "Bastard.." Tails fired a high voltage attack at him. NASH: But Kaos and Rage just *weren't* good enough! >Sonic didn't >mind getting hurt a bit. He liked the actions of the angered fox. BRET: Sonic enjoyed being shot at! SAMANTHA: Ah, Sonic is a masochist. >Also each taunt he made to Tails made Sally shiver with fear. Sally clung >to her old friend tight but still wasn't the same comfort she felt with >Miles. SAMANTHA: Considering that Bunny was dead... > When she decided to look up she saw Sonic slash Miles' side and >immediately tucked her head back into Bunnie's shoulder. STEVE: She hid like the useless dishrag of a woman she was while the men settled things. > >Sonic licked the fox's blood off his nails. MARK : Crimson just *isn't* my color! > > "Mmm..not bad." Sonic sucked the remaining blood off. "That won't >help you" Sonic jested in reference to the recent spell. NASH: Kevin expectorated in reference to the current story. >"Not when I >get done with you." And he fired a bolt of electrical power at Tails. BRET: SUPREME THUNDER!! RYAN : HEY!! Stop stealing my shtick! >Miles blocked the lightning attack and launched SAMANTHA: ... a Nuclear missile. > an ice spell. "Brrr. I felt a little chill. Wonder what that >could've been?" He smiled wickedly. SAMANTHA: Damn, Sonic is strong! Makes me wonder if he's an Author Avatar. STEVE: Man, Sonic's more like some kind of super-Avatar. *Oscar* didn't make himself this invincible! > >"How about this?!" And Tails casted a higher freeze spell, Sonic had >time to do a small scream as a wall of ice struck him dead on. MARK : IT'S BRISK, BABY!! > Sonic was freezing and went to remove some icicles from his quills >but Tails jumped at him and took a finger off of Sonic. SAMANTHA: I guess Sonic won't be able to high five anyone anymore. NASH : Yeah, can I borrow this for a minute? I'll give it right back... >Whom blew him >back with a explosion of fire magic. > "My....my..." He looked at his four fingered left hand. BRET: Sonic only had four fingers anyway!! He's a damn cartoon character! STEVE: You're entering rant territory... >"You're gonna pat for that" SAMANTHA: Sonic's going to give Tails a pat on the back? How nice. >A small aura surrounded Sonic. Tails was ready to >take off the rest of that bastard's hand off. MARK: I'd suggest going for something a bit more vital, Tails... > >But Sonic was chanting and Tails knew what the Latin Sonic was saying >was. NASH: He was saying, "ARRIBA LA RAZA!" > > The Ultima spell SAMANTHA: Oh poopie. > >A bead of sweat immediately formed and he rushed at Sonic for a fatal >blow; because if he didn't, the Ultima would be their fatal blow. SAMANTHA: Don't you mean 'the end'? BRET: Poor Kefka, trying *so hard* to turn a good phrase... > >However Tails was too far away. That fire spell blew him back to far. SAMANTHA: And Far was such a nice town this time of the year. >He tried to run faster using his twin tails. But no good. STEVE: His ass just *wasn't* strong enough. >The Ultima >chant was finished. Sonic grinned evilly and rose his hands up, a red light >under him began to emmit, MARK: ... Kelly? >slowly fo rming a pentagram around him and >rising him high above them. He was seeping darkness into that Ultima for >more agony on the Neo Freedom Fighters and remaining Returners. SAMANTHA: Shouldn't they all be running away by now? NASH: Oh, so a regular Ultima just isn't good enough for you, now is it, Sonic? It has to be an *evil* Ultima, doesn't it? > >A big blue circle began to form. BRET: ... and then a bear in a big blue house. >It looked almost like a globe with >it's little teal spots. Many of the crowd began to run away but it would do >no good. STEVE: Kefka wanted a big body count for this one, and they were cursed to be nameless extras. RYAN: I spot a couple of red shirts in the crowd... >The spell was half way through. SAMANTHA: Well maybe you guys should have started running earlier! >It would only be seconds before >all they would ever see is darkness. SAMANTHA: Actually, the Ultima spell is more like an atom bomb going off. MARK: Ah, so they'll be seeing a flaming white wall of painful death. RYAN: Well, for a split nanosecond before their eyeballs boil in their sockets. > >"Hey Sal!!" Sonic called out and did a quick telekinetic spell and >lifted her far into the air. NASH : Ooh... where's my dramamine... > >Not even knowing Sally would live through the Ultima blast, was a >comfort to Miles. They both knew she would face something far more painful >and tortuous then an Ultima..... > SAMANTHA: One of Raven's rants? BRET: No, the main event from 'Bash at the Beach'! OTHERS: NOOOOOO!! > Sonic the Hedgehog. STEVE: Or something not entirely unlike him. > >Miles wished he would have fought sooner. Maybe then he could have >saved everyone. MARK: Oh, so *now* the little Freedom Fighter's gonna bitch and moan. Look, nobody held a gun to your head and *made* you quiver in the background like a coward... >But now only guilt filled his heart along with sadness of >never being able to see Sally again. SAMANTHA: Well, it's your own fault! > >A tear drop fell. SAMANTHA: Aww... how touching... NASH: Stuff happened. People died. BRET: So, what's on Raw? > >The Ultima ball took 4 seconds to form and explode. > > > > BRET: Umm... is this it? STEVE: No, no, Kefka's just trying to be artsy. > > > > > > NASH: Yes? And? C'mon, story... RYAN: Nash! Shh! This is the best part! Absolutely nothing! MARK: Well, I guess that *was* the end. Abrupt, but different. STEVE: No! No! It can't end like this! That means Sonic wins! I didn't spend all this time up here just to see that rat bastard win!! > > > > > > BRET: Well, are you over or not? Make up your mind, story, we've got stuff to do. NASH: No, you have a chick to do. BRET: NASH! [Samantha growls and takes out her sword.] RYAN: Yeah, Nash. The correct term is make love, you boob. NASH: No, no, y'see, Samantha's a girl, so she's the one with the... [Mark conveniently lightning bolts Nash.] SAMANTHA: [putting sword away] Thank you, Mark. > > > > > > > SAMANTHA: Umm... are we still in the fanfic, or was that a horrible scene we weren't supposed to see? MARK: No, the edits weren't quite this irritating. [To pass the time, Ryan starts humming 'Dare to be Stupid'] > > > > > > STEVE: Come *on*, story! Life! Movement! Something! [Mark gets up and checks the theater doors] MARK: Well, there's still no oxygen outside. I guess this *is* part of the story. > > > > > > BRET: Er... ah... well, then... STEVE: Oh, screw this! [pulls out a comic book] [Nash leans back in his seat and begin napping. Mark's eyes roll back in his head as he begins communing with the Dark Side. Bret and Samantha snuggle and whisper to each other, Samantha occasionally giggling. And Ryan CONTINUES to hum 'Dare to be Stupid' and has even begun singing.] RYAN : You can be an underachiever, you can sit around the house and watch 'Leave it to Beaver'... > > > > > > > > > SAMANTHA: I get it! This is a view of the intellectual part of Kefka's mind! Notice the black spot? BRET: Wow, I can't even see it. RYAN [gets up and starts dancing while still singing]: The future's up to you... so what you gonna do? > > > Tails got up and groaned in pain. ALL: GYAH!! NASH: Geez, why can't the story *tell* us when it's gonna do that? [Everyone gets back into riffing shape] >All he remember was the Sonic >and the Ultima. MARK: ... and the witch, and the wardrobe. ><> He thought He got up and >looked around. SAMANTHA: But instead he was dead and his soul was on its way to heaven. Sad, really. >Blood was decorating the plant life and ground around the >place. STEVE: How festive! I remember when I was kid, how we'd decorate the house with blood for Christmas... >Some bodies impaled onto trees and rocks. STEVE: Oh, we were too poor to afford any of those. But the people up the street had *tons* of 'em... you had to whack the flies away with a tennis racket! BRET: That's enough of that gag, Steve. >He was a horrible site. RYAN: Must've tried to make one under Geocities or Tripod. SAMANTHA: After a battle like that, I would be in pretty bad shape as well. >But the hope in this place was crying. NASH : I've had my share... of the Crying Game... > > A person's cry. Someone was alive. Miles looked around to find >Locy's weak but breathing body... MARK : Man, this makes Spawn look *good*. >He removed Her helmet and saw burn >marks covering her face. Tears were steaming down. STEVE: After being baked alive and nuked, I think she *would* be 'steaming'. SAMANTHA: Hang on here! She's cannned food for crying out loud! She ain't alive! BRET: Kefka, could you at least wait a few pages before ret-conning? > > Her armored saved her life. SAMANTHA: Armored what? A little elaboration please... ><> Thought >Tails NASH : His girlfriend's a suffering ball of scar tissue! Antoine will love this! >"Antoine?" He said aloud and searched the place hard for him over >dead no longer identifiable bodies. MARK: Well, we've gotta give props to Kefka for killing Antoine. Granted, it wasn't nearly as bloody or agonizing as it should have been, but he *is* dead. [The others nod their heads in agreement] > > "Little one..." SAMANTHA: Who said that? > "Sonya" Tails looked up. There enough was beautiful pink >hedgehog, even bloody and battered she looked like an angel. SAMANTHA: A bloody and bruised angel, but an angel nonetheless. STEVE: So angels have lotsa, correct? RYAN [singing]: Sankoku na tenshi no youoni... > > "Sonya!! Are you alright?!" > > "I've just got an impact of an Ultima. How do you think I feel, >my little one" RYAN: My little one? Oh no, I'm not even gonna START thinking about that one... BRET : God! You and your stupid concern can just go straight to hell! >she stoked his fur. SAMANTHA: GYAH! Don't go into this! The scene's bad enough already! >"I just gotten over..." She shivered >"what my damn brother did to me" > "Yeah.." NASH : Yeah, baby... just a little closer now... > > "I tried hard to cast a protective barrier around everyone. At >least they could have barley survived the Ultima....... SAMANTHA: Maybe you should have cast Regen first, and then MBarrier. That would have helped a lot! RYAN: Maybe, but she could've been low on magic points after that fight. Maybe she shoulda just stuck with Reflect. >I couldn't cover >everyone.... I had so little time.....Only a few.....Seconds..."she >began to cry. MARK : I hate having to rip off the ending of 'Kingdom Come'! I just hate it! >She couldn't see Knuckles anywhere . Her heart was in two >right now. SAMANTHA: Oh well, Knuckles is dead. Boo hoo. I'm crying a river here. STEVE: I dunno. Knuckles was pretty cool before Kefka got a hold of him. He deserved better. > > "Oh Sonya....You did what you could...That's all we can ever do" BRET: That's all you *never did*, Mr. Grey Fox. > > But Miles was unharmed. Nothing. Not a mark on his body. <feel great...Not the way a person should feel after an Ultima.>> RYAN: So this Ultima must've been less filling. SAMANTHA: Cue the next plot contrivance! NASH: Yeah, Ultima usually makes me feel pretty gassy. MARK: Tell me about it... >"Sally....?" He wanted to go search for her right now no questions >asked. But he had to see if others were alive. To help whomever he could >since he didn't fought earlier. STEVE: To pathetically attempt to make up for his disastrous cowardice. >He could only find a few alive. Many of the >Neo-Freedom Fighters he couldn't find. He feared the worst. BRET : Oh, man... they joined with those Heaven's Gate people, I just *know* it... > > "Tails" Lunarus was there > "You alive??" SAMANTHA: No, I'm one of the walking dead. Of course I'm alive! > > "Yes" he took a second to tend to his bleeding arm "I'll take care >of things here" It was like Lunarus knew what he was thinking "Go" NASH : Go off and get killed. It's not like you're worth a crap anyway. > > With that Tails took his blade and head off to find Sally. RYAN: Head him off at the pass, Tails! [giggles] Here's hoping Sonic is waiting to decapitate him... BRET: Ryan, come on buddy, stay with us now... we're almost at the end... SAMANTHA: One thing is bothering me though... Where is Sonic? MARK: Oh, he's off somewhere raping somebody, I'm sure. > > <His history shows he always uses the dead bodies for some sacrifice or >what-in-the-hell-ever use he had for them.>> BRET: We already know. Hickory smoked sausage. NASH [stares at Bret] BRET: Look, I've really reached the point where I no longer care. > > He heard a wimpering. A familar wimpering. He drew his blade. MARK: Chris Jericho was out there... somewhere. ><> SAMANTHA: Sally, official whimperer of the ASADAE world. STEVE [grumbling]: She's definitely the official wimp. > > He looked around a tree and sure enough Sally was there. On the >ground, her clothes ripped. Blood covering her legs. NASH: God, no! The Teletubbies got her! RYAN: Looks like the sun-baby-god wanted a sacrifice... > > He did a quick check and an opening ear for when Sonic would come >back. SAMANTHA: But ears don't close, Tails... ><when he gets there. She's smart like that. BRET: To set herself up as Sonic's victim? Yeah, she's abso-freakin'-lutely *brilliant*. >Still I've got to get back >there and SOON>> He reached over to Sally > "Sally....I'm gonna have to hide you.....I'll dig a little hole MARK : ... and bury you alive so you can have a slow, agonizing death by suffocation. Is that okay? >and put leaves over it so he can't~.." SAMANTHA: Great plan, Tails. > > "NOOOO!!!" Sally was hysterical "How COULD you?!!! You PROMISED!! >Promised he would never touch me..." > "Sally....I..." STEVE : Look, I can't help it if I'm being cast as an ineffectual wimp! > "SHUT UP!! DAMN YOU!! I TRUSTED you!! This is what I get for >BELIEVING IN YOU?!! I HATE you!!!" NASH : Gee, I wonder if this is one of Sonic's horrific mind games. SAMANTHA: First she's a wimp and now she just blames everyone in sight for her problems... If she wasn't purposely being written this way, I swear I would kick her *BLEEP* so hard she would have to open her mouth to fart! RYAN: Wow, I bet THAT would be a fun trick at parties! >her eyes were cold on him, her tears >overflowing however. Miles felt fear and pain run down his spine over >the gaze....he felt his heart break in two. BRET : Dammit, I *liked* new Coke! I DID! Is that so wrong?! > He swallowed "Sally....." He was on the verge of tears "..I >never.....I would .....I'm so sorry.......I hate myself >too....... MARK [very angry]: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our *hero*... SAMANTHA: Mine's right here. [snuggles up to Bret] RYAN: Not me! My hero is Weird Al Yankovic! STEVE: Y'know, I bet he would've done a lot better job fighting Sonic. >Please...just.. SAMANTHA: Oh well. At least they learned how to properly Shatner speak. >Oh goddess....If only.....I never meant >too........I love you so much......" RYAN: And it's... oh, *BLEEP* it. I give up. STEVE : How much more do I have to simper to get you back? > "Oh do you?" Sally said in a calm tone, she looked away as tear >began to fall, then chuckled. Tails' ears pirked as he looked up at >her. She was just crying and now...laughing? NASH : Hee hee! Oh, Tails, sweetie, I was just kidding! C'mon, can't you take a joke? > "Sa...Sally? Why..Are you........laughing?" SAMANTHA: That's Sonic, you idiot! > Just as he said that 'Sally' took a knife from behind her back and >and stab it through his hand. He withdrew his hand and removed the >blade quickly, BRET: Y'know, so he could lose blood and get some infection in there faster. >he stared at his shaky bloody hand and gave quite a scream. MARK : I'm soaking in it?! NOOOOOO!! >But 'Sally' only stood up and kicked him i n the face. SAMANTHA: Don't forget the boot to the head! STEVE: There's dissension in the ranks of Team Foxfire! > "Stupid fox. So stupid that killing you would add 40 more points >in your intellectual scale" Sally's form began to change to that of >Sonics. "What's da matter little boy? 'fraid your little slut is hurt? >Don't worry about that tart... NASH : ... you've still got your *Pop-Tarts* to deal with. >You're gonna be i n _much_ more pain then >she has ever felt before." Sonic kicked Tails in the gut. BRET: And it's the Stunner! The Stunner! OTHERS: AUS-TIN! AUS-TIN! >"But it all >be will be slow. No fast torture for you. MARK : And when your torture's over, it's straight off to bed for you, young man! >But no need to worry about >'poor little' Sally. You can BOTH be my play-toys. Sounds great?" Sonic >gave an evil smile. SAMANTHA: Uh... no... RYAN: And I'll name you 'Charlotte'. And I'll name Sally 'Francine' and ooooh! The rest of the freedom fighters would be so kawaii for my collection! Oh wait, I blew them into little chunks. > > "Bastard!" STEVE: That's a much better story than this, yes. >Tails swung his sword at him. But Sonic caught it, >laughed, took a rock and hit it over his head and dragged him by the >hair, over to a meadow. NASH [snickering]: Just like that, huh? Kefka *really* wants to get to the rape scene! SAMANTHA: Shouldn't the others have helped him out by now? RYAN: Yeah, I'm sure they wanna help a guy who merely watched while they got their asses kicked. BRET: Well, the Flock helps Raven all the time and he does nothing to help them. RYAN: Good point. > > "Pathetic" he called Tails "Well here's your tramp" BRET : No, my tramp has a little mustache and a cane and this hat... >Sonic threw him a distance of 5 feet. MARK: No more, no less. RYAN: Aww, and he's six inches short of breaking the world record... > > Tails looked up to see Sally. Tied to a tree and wasn't moving. >"Sally!" SAMANTHA: Poor tree. > > Sonic slapped him "Shut up!" He then walked over to Sally and >stoked her face. STEVE: Yeah, her face had started going out, but a few jabs with a poker and a coupla logs got it going again. >"Your "hero" is here Sally. Think he'll save you?" NASH : No. > > Sally didn't reply. BRET : I won't even dignify that with a response! > > "No comment you say? Well that's fine." SAMANTHA: Hey, we got quite a few of them! > >Tails was very fearful of the worst. MARK: After the scenes in the beginning, I'm not sure Kefka can get it any worse! NASH: Well, unless he decides to throw in some Countess Chronicles stuff and some tentacle demons... RYAN: That's right, just invite the demons in, Nash... > >Sonic wished Sally would at least gave a whimper. So he took his hand >and reached between her legs in front of Tails' eyes. RYAN : Hey Tails, wanna see what I can pull out from HERE? > > Sally didn't reply. SAMANTHA: And neither did we for fear of puking up last weeks supper. > > * * * > >(Yet another dedicated Reader wanted his bit in, so without further >interuption....This bit was written by caa157@ramail.angelo.edu aka >TR!) STEVE: Well, whoever you are, I thank you for saving us from that last scene. [Samantha takes up the notepad and pencil again, quickly writing the e-mail address down] RYAN: Oh lord, another one. Wake me... when it's over. [slumps down asleep] > > Somewhere in the Great Forest a lone figure walked amongst the >trees. BRET : HAVE YOU HUGGED A TREE TODAY?!?! >The person was covered in a hooded cloak that hid his features >so that no one could tell who or even what species he was. SAMANTHA: Oh my god! It's Robin Hood! >He would stop >every now and then to pick something up off the > forest floor, usually a mushroom or a large root. BRET : Yeah, man, I need some more 'shrooms... >"I'd rather be >searching for the Freedom Fighters, but the positions I can make with >these will come in handy later," the figure mumbled. NASH: Eh, you can do better positions with some handcuffs. 'Specially if you've got a riding crop and some mirrors handy. SAMANTHA: But how is getting high by eating wild mushrooms going to help him locate the Freedom Fighters? > The wind started to pick up, whistling through the trees. The >figure stood straight up, there was a scent in the breeze. MARK
: That horrible stench... must be downwind of Pittsburgh again. >Something he hadn't smelled in a long time, SAMANTHA: Hamburgers! NASH : Hello! Looks like I might get laid tonight after all! >it was a combination of scents all very >faint, there were the smells of fear, adrenalin e, and a hint of >blood...... STEVE: Not to mention just a dash of haught! >A fight. The figure sniffed at the air again trying to get >a direction on the scent, SAMANTHA: What do you know, it's Lassie. >after a few minutes he started off. How long he >had followed the scent he doesn't know, his mind was totally committed >to finding the smell' s origin. BRET: Ew! But who in their right mind would want to go to Pittsburgh? >One or twice he had lost the scent and >the wind would pick up and carry the smell back to his nose, it was almost >like someone was helping him. SAMANTHA: Isn't subtlety wonderful? > The scent was getting stronger, he was close. A sound! NASH: Hark! 'Tis the song of a blue jay! >He stopped and bent down, waiting for the sound to return. MARK: He was going to jump it and steal its wallet! >A moan, >somebody was hurt! He quickly ran to the sound and was greeted by a unnerving >sight. STEVE: Dean Malenko in drag? >He had found the Freedom Fighters, but som ebody had beaten him >to it. They were all out cold. BRET: ... because they're dead, right? I mean, does Kefka really know what an Ultima is? >He removed his hood reviling his face. A >face of a wolf, a white wolf. SAMANTHA: What's Jon Talbain doing here? > >(Let's give him a hand!!! back to you Rocky and Metal!) SAMANTHA: Rocky's co-writing this? That would explain why it's so bad. NASH: Slow as the People's Elbow, and just as goofy. > > > * * * > > "Damn, Sally, what's wrong? Was I TOO much for you?" Sonic rubbed >his hand between her legs. RYAN [yawns and wakes up]: Oh, back to this crap now? MARK: Sonic, I'm sure there's a more practical way to keep your hand warm. > Tails got up fast "STOP, YOU BASTARD!!!" and tackled him down and >started to beat Sonic's face RYAN : Yeah! I'm 'bout to put the smackdown on yo' ass, biyatch! SAMANTHA: About time you did something! >Sonic Growled and threw the fox off and >chuckled. > "Oh Miles...still the valiant Hero I see.." STEVE: Still the valiant punching bag, *I* see. >he waved his hand over >Miles face and the fox screamed in pain. BRET : Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you... >He then cast a spell which >prevented Miles movement and slowly creeped back to Sally. NASH: Beware the Creeper!! >"Now....Where were we Princess?" He placed his hand between her legs again. >"Ohhhh yessss...now I remember..." MARK : I left my watch in there. > Sonic let his fingers tease Sally's private area. SAMANTHA : You're fat and you're ugly and you'll never get a boyfriend! > "How about we show Tails here what fun can be? I never did show >him what we do at the Tower.." STEVE : He'll watch us play Spades until dawn! BWAHAHAHAHA!! RYAN: But that whole dream sequence thing before and the whole thing with showing him and... oh yeah. Kefka continuity. Gotta love it. >Sonic withdrew his finger and licked it. RYAN : Hey Tails! Ya gotta try this! It's finger licking good! SAMANTHA: I am not doing the KFC joke. > > Miles hated this. It was like his nightmares; he couldn't do >anything."Bastard..It's not her. Why don't you fight me again, >coward!!" BRET : Kick my ass again! I dare you! >This was the only thing Tails could think of to get Sonic away from >Sally. SAMANTHA: You could try stabbing him in the back. That might work. > > "Oh no. I'm having fun as it is" He looked at the non-moving >Sally. "Don't know why she's being like this. NASH : I have a *headache*, Sonic, and I just don't feel like being raped tonight. SAMANTHA: I believe it's called a coma, Sonic. It's what usually happens after someone suffers a severe physical or emotional traumatic experience. >Her screams would have made >it a perfect night. But oh well, can't have everything....That >is...not yet" MARK: You can't have everything until after six on Sundays. > Sonic began to rip Sally's clothes off slowly. He looked behind >him every few seconds to see Tails' expression and for Tails. This was >hell. SAMANTHA: Then do something, you jerk! Don't let him have his way with the one you love! FIGHT FOR HER GOD DAMMIT!!! STEVE: I think I'll pray to the spirit of Eric Draven to kick Tails' ass after this. RYAN: But wasn't Tails paralyzed? STEVE: He's got his little magic powers! He could do something if he wanted to! > > Not so long ago Sally told him she loved him and now was about to >be raped by her tormentor. But worst of all...He didn't defeat Sonic. >If he would have beaten him Sally would not be suffering now. BRET: Well, maybe if you'd gotten off your sorry two-tailed ass and DONE SOMETHING, this wouldn't be happening, oh mighty and completely wishy-washy leader! >It was all >his fault. Now he would have to suffer. But not as much as Sally. Which >really hurt. SAMANTHA : And after the failure comes the self-berating... RYAN: Maybe he'll depreciate himself so much he'll wind up committing suicide. ALL: Yeah! You suck! You were too much of a wuss to fight and your lady's gonna get raped because of it! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!! > > Sonic undid his pants and told Tails to watch 'this' carefully. >Tails made no comment and wanted to close his eyes but the spell on him >prevented it. MARK: So eventually his eyeballs dried out and he went blind. > Sonic slowly moved Sally to the ground, Sonic felt a chill of >pleasure run through his body when he heard her whimper; And mounted >her without mercy. [Nash begins humming the Bonanza theme] SAMANTHA: Although how he did it with her tied to the tree sure as hell confuses the heck out of me! STEVE: No, Sonic let her go for this. >Miles groaned and tried to move his body; anything, any >way to block what he had to see from his eyes. > Sonic's eyes turned to Miles and he grinned a cruel smiled; thrusting >hard. "Ohh Miles....pity you never got the chance to do >this....Or...have you?" NASH : Nah, my sex was consensual. You should really think of trying it some time, it's actually pretty nice. >He chuckled; already beginning to feel a wetness inside her, >Miles could see small droplets of blood dri pping from her groin area. SAMANTHA: [growls and clenches her teeth, hard] MARK: Must... kill... RYAN [holds his hands in front of him]: Oh, ancient ancestors, please protect my sanity from this sick story... > Sonic rocked her hard. He wanted Tails to suffer as well as get >his own pleasure. Plus his own pledge to make Sally bleed. BRET: And never let it be said that Sonic isn't a hedgehog of his word. > <> he thought <> > Sally wasn't remaining silent anymore. She screamed, cried, >trying her hardest to get away from this even though it was hopeless. >But she would never again make it easy for him to enter her. SAMANTHA: Finally! Sally is going to do something! STEVE: Hey! She grew a spine! >Not ever again. > > Tails remembered what Sonic did to him earlier. Pretending to be >sally. But he believe that is what Sally would really say right now. NASH: After all, Tails knew that hating him was a natural reaction. >He believe Sonic's words more then anything right now. So much guilt was >on his heart. He wanted to die. SAMANTHA: You wimp! I just... I mean... God damnit! ARRGHH!!! [Stands up and rips the seat out of it's pace, throwing it at the screen. It bounces off with a slight sparkle of energy] GOD DAMN IT!!! > > He hated himself. Whatever pain Sonic would bring upon would be a >sufficient punishment for his failure to Sally. MARK: No, then there's the pain *I'm* going to bring on you, wuss boy. >Sonic Moaned louder. >"Oh Sally, my sweet princess... we're together again.....and it will remain >like this Sally.....All the good times.... RYAN : Oh yeah. This is dy-no-mite. SAMANTHA: Not if I have my way, it won't! BRET: Please, don't let the good times roll. >I'll never let you go >...You're mines..." SAMANTHA [through clenched teeth]: After all, Princess Sally comes in six packs now. >The Princess Stared up at Sonic's face, her lower >lip trembling; her eyes filled with fear and sorrow. She could only >scream out her loves name......Miles... STEVE : Excuse me, Miles? I think I could use a little help here... >"Ya know, Sal. This seems >AWFULLY familiar... NASH: Oh my god, they rip off everything! >We don't want what happened last time, do we?" MARK: He forgot his condom? > Sonic drew energy and fired a powerful blast at Miles. All while >Sonic was still thrusting in Sally. He fired about 5 of these powerful >blasts till Miles was knocked out. SAMANTHA: Knocked out? KNOCKED OUT?!?! WHO THE *BLEEP* IS WRITING THIS *BLEEP*ING *BLEEP* ACTION?!?! HAIM *BLEEP* SABAN?!?! WHEN YOU GET HIT BY POWERFUL *BLEEP*ING BLASTS, YOU GET KILLED!!! DEAD!!! NOT KNOCKED *BLEEP*ING OUT!!! BRET: [stands up and wraps his arms around her] Calm down! SAMANTHA: [starts to sob] I'm sorry... this last part with the helpless women is really beginning to get to me... RYAN [taps his fingers together]: Wow, now THAT was something. NASH: I dunno. Maybe it's PMS? [Nash's answer is short lived as he gets knocked upside the head with a backhand from Samantha] BRET: What did I tell you about hitting? SAMANTHA: Oh, he *asked* for that one. > >Sally, who was already in hysteria, did as Miles and lost conscience. STEVE : Yeah, yeah, whatever, quill-boy... wake me when it's over. >Sonic gave an evil laugh. > > He had paralyzed the Returners, defeated the Neo-Freedom Fighters, >got back his favorite toy, captured Miles AND had a great sexual night! NASH: And next he was going to DISNEYLAND! MARK: Mickey, Minnie... NOOOOO!! >"This is the life!" He screamed out for the world to hear. SAMANTHA: ARRGHH!!! This is incredibly stupid!!! Can't these Freedom Fighters do anything besides sit and stare? BRET: Well, this *is* Sonic's story... > > > > * * * SAMANTHA: When you wish upon a star, a sniper will shoot Kefka from afar... > > > > Sonic swung Sally over his shoulders and dragged Tails towards his >home. STEVE: I see Sonic's powerlifting regimen has been working... >The dark, sick city of Sonotropolis. SAMANTHA [more calm now]: Hmmm... must be the flu season. > >But eyes were watching him. NASH: Just the eyes? Cool! > "This isn't good, Sonya" > "I know Knuckles" SAMANTHA: No duh, Einstein! RYAN: He's alive? Well, no *BLEEP*. > "He beat us before. We'll have to regroup and try to take Sonic >down without Tails." MARK: Well, it's not like Tails was major *loss* or anything... >Sonya sobbed at this news. SAMANTHA: While I'm sobbing at the horrible storyline. > > > * * * > > Meanwhile Sonic was whistling a tune. BRET : Mister blue-bird on my shoulder... >He was almost home now. STEVE : Country roads, take me home... >He didn't use his speed. MARK: He was using barbiturates now. >He wanted to savor this night as much as he could. SAMANTHA: Because evil is *so* sweet. NASH: Why, yes! In fact, it's just TOO SWEEEEET!! BRET: Just *had* to get that out of your system, huh? > > Then something caught his eye. STEVE : Ooh, shiny!! >The body of Elex. "Well well >well." He put the two down and walked over to Elex and stoke his head. RYAN: Hmm, the embers are dying down a bit... >"How are you little one?" NASH : You just *killed* me!! How do you think I am? MARK: Well, it's not all bad, usually. >Elex face was full of pain and sorrow. "You >know... You were great! Maybe you would like to live again? BRET: And now, after a thousand years... WE LIVE AGAIN!! [Others begin humming the 'Gargoyles' theme] >I think >I'll do JUST that," he ran his tongue over the foxes face, tracing the lip >and light brown hair. SAMANTHA: Oh no... not the necrophilia again! I said I was just joking!!! STEVE: Not the kid again, dammit!! Kefka had better have a *major* plot contrivance in store to end this with... > Sonic casted a levitation spell on the body and picked up the >others. "Come" he said to the body NASH: Already did that, remember? >and Elex floated behind him all the >way home. MARK: Going 'wee wee wee'. > > The Wind Seem to howl a bit louder > The Skies seem to become a bit darker BRET: The grammar and punctuation seemed to go a little further towards hell. > The breeze seemed to get colder SAMANTHA: The supper seemed to rise a few more inches... > The fire seem to get fiecer. > The Clouds seem to hang lower STEVE : Do your clouds hang low, do they wobble to and fro... > The blood seems to run thicker RYAN: Well, duh. Blood IS thicker than water. > The Pain seems to incress NASH: Actually, cress isn't too bad, to be a wussy vegetarian sandwich. > The dark one...has won. RYAN: Just like I figured, an anti-climax. KEFKA!! YOU BASTARD!! SAMANTHA: An amazing plot twist! MARK: He hasn't won yet. We're still riffing. BRET: How could we *stop*? STEVE: I know Kefka doesn't mean that. I mean, he's not just going to let Sonic *win*... > >The Saga Continues!! NASH: I thought this was the ending. MARK: It is. Kefka didn't do any more. STEVE: So... Sonic *did* win. [suddenly begins taking very deep breaths] RYAN: Yeah, but Kefka's threatening more... I hope I get home by then. >What will happen to Poor old Princess Sally Acorn >and Miles Prowers now that the dark one has them in his clutches?! SAMANTHA: That thought alone is sure to cause us nightmares at night! >Stay tune for the next chapter in A Sorcerer A Demon and Emeralds! BRET: NO! You can't make us! > >=[]CAST OF CHARACTERS[]= SAMANTHA: Most of which are dead or severely injured. > >Miles Prowers -- I hope he likes his Jail food.... Sonic the Hedgehog-- >Yes we made him win!! Yes!! I'm happy about it!! SAMANTHA: Yes, you're a sick *BLEEP*! STEVE [suddenly standing]: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [Steve then proceeds to run out of the theater, still screaming] MARK: Not *again*. NASH: Geez, it's not that bad. BRET: Well, Steve's always been kind of sensitive about evil. There should be enough air out there to keep him okay. RYAN: Wow, I actually kept my sanity. >Princess Sally Acorn -- >Just as she's escaped him.....He takes his prize once again. NASH: Cause, y'know, Sally's just stuff. >Sonya Sho >Robotnik -- Poor girl, I've recived Mail about her being a Slut what do >YOU think? RYAN: Well, whoever wrote that is probably a right bastard who knows nothing of the female psyche. Kinda like you, Kefka! MARK: We don't give a rat's ass! BRET: Actually, I feel sorry for her. I'm sure she's just fine when Kefka isn't writing her. SAMANTHA: We wished she had died. >E-mail me! Knuckles Echidna -- A few of you might be wondering >"What ears?" NASH: No. >Heh don't ask me...they're under his dread locks. Antoine >De'Coolette -- You know I wanted to make him stronger... but my co I >guess likes him weak....that'll change. SAMANTHA: ACK!!! He's still alive! Damn you, Sonic! Damn you to hell! MARK: It's official. *Nothing* good has come of this fanfic. >Very soon. Lunarus Ivo Robotnik -- >Wasn't it sad about the Black Hole thing? heh...heh......ugh. BRET: Wow. Kefka's having an episode in text! >Locy Hottovy -- How do you like your Fox? Rare? Medium Rare? Well Done? Or >Sonic Style?! SAMANTHA: How about barbequed? I'll got the BBQ sauce! >Snively The Returner Leader -- Heh, Anyone Know his last >name? heh....poor guy...want more info bout his love over a mobian? NASH: Once again, no. We just want to leave, Kefka. So SHUT UP!! >Send in responses! SAMANTHA: You want responses? I'll give you responses!!! [takes out the PC from under Bret's seat and starts typing on it] BRET: What are you doing? SAMANTHA: Making a virus to change Kefka's work into something even *he'll* lose his lunch over. BRET: [takes PC away] Uh... no... SAMANTHA: Oh! You're no fun! >Geoffry St. John -- For you Fans of Geoffrey, All I have to >say is...I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT SORRY ABOUT KILLING THAT SKUNK!!! I >HATE >HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE >HATE >HATE HIM!!! I'd Do it again!! over and over!! I'll probabl y lose a few >fan over this huh? SAMANTHA: You get the feeling that Kefka hates Geoffrey? MARK: I get the feeling that Kefka has some deep-seated issues with skunks. RYAN: It still shocks me that Kefka has ANY fans at all... >Charles T. Hedgehog -- He should be getting a larger role >in a solo-story I'm doing. SAMANTHA: Which we won't have to see, if luck is with us. NASH : But not as big as the *big Valbowski*.... >Elex -- (Name Created by BladeWing, a Combo of >her Cousins Eric, and Alex's names) BRET: Oh, now nice. Writing your family in as rape victims. MARK: I'm sure their mother is so proud. >the kit part I basicly poured ever >ounce of evil I had into it. Talk about being on an evil streek, I >just loved writing that scene and went back repeatedly to alter it. NASH: Guys, Kefka's starting to scare me. BRET: I know, I know. SAMANTHA: Hey Ryan, you thought that Tsunai guy was bad! RYAN: As soon as I see 12 inch wood dowels and quadruple fistings, it'll be official. SAMANTHA: Er, quadruple? I'm gonna hate myself for asking, but how? RYAN [glances over at her]: Both hands and both feet. BRET [holding his stomach]: And... this was... to who again? RYAN: Chibi-Usa, of course. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she was yelling for more? MARK: Pardon me, for I must puke... SAMANTHA: Ok, so Kefka is tied with Tsunai in the 'Absolutely sick and total wrongness' meter. >But I ran >out of ideas...that's when my buddy TR told me to let the kit live~! >Sooooo now I can torure him more! yay!! MARK: But what about... TORTURE?! NASH: Now Kefka's *really* starting to scare me... >Traveler -- Who is the strange >White wolf who found the Neo Freedom Fighters at their most near death >hour? Mike -- Who is the strange human? RYAN: And more importantly, who gives a flying *BLEEP*? Aww, just quit it with the damn censoring!! I'm righteously pissed right now and mad I can't express myself!! BRET: Isn't he that guy Eric got stuck with? SAMANTHA: Another Author Avatar. > >All others were clearly extras... SAMANTHA: Which were why they were killed off so easily. > >=[]Credits[]= > >=[]Rocky Numbat's Credits~![]= ALL: ROCKY SUCKS! ROCKY SUCKS! > >First of all I would like to thanks the greatest friend a girl could >ever had, the creator of ASADAE, Let's hear it for Metal!! ::opens audience >in a can cheer:: MARK: Yeah, I'll open a *can* for you... >I would like to thank my online sister, Angele, for just >being her silly self! SAMANTHA : Silly self? Dear god! What a twisted little *BLEEP*. > Locke: for always listening to me. > Cecil: For his morbid sense of humor and making me laugh! BRET: Oh, death! How kooky! > Sonya: For not killing me for spending time with Cecil......::feels >sudden doom:: > Blade: For being her cool self! > Mecha: For she always has somthing wierd to say ME CHOCOBO SHELLY!! NASH: Jeez, this whole f'n story is a giant ad for Prozac. >She's so cute!! > >I thank my Wonderful mom! I would like to say "Screw you, dad!" (since >he won't be reading this!!) SAMANTHA: At least we know where Sonya's hatred of her parents comes from. > >My pomerainian TC, for being always being there when I felt down. MARK : I know he really loves me... yes, he does... HE DOES... > >Favorite game so far:......*ahem* FINALY FANTASY 3!!! FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 >FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3 FF3!!! BRET: Eh, I liked FF 2 better. Tighter plotline, and better characters. RYAN: I'll stick to fighting games. Absolutely no story, but you can't put down mindless violence and ki blasts aplenty! >Hey that reminds >me...::mails a *ticking* box to that dang Kefka:: Laugh this offya >little~!!! SAMANTHA: Thank you! > >::We Interupt Rocky's Dedications to bring you this news:: NASH: Kefka has been declared a f'n psycho, and banned from writing further bad fanfics. Fictional characters everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief. >Metal is >my Tupie on right? what? the Camera? ::looks over at the Camera:: o_O Ack >Err Umm Hi. ALL: Hi! >Yes We've just got a report that the Tower of Kefka has >strangly Exploaded....(AGAIN) is the Unabomber at work again?! We take you >live to the scene..... RYAN: And here we have the charred remains of Kefka. Sad, really... oh well. Who's gonna scrape him off the ground? SAMANTHA : Oh dear, what a *BLEEP*ing shame! > > >...Oh back to dedications! MARK: Because we care *ever* so much... SAMANTHA: Lets not and say we did. >To my art teachers for showing me I can do some damn good art! BRET: Then quit writing and start drawing! We'll all be better off! RYAN: Personally, I'd rather read about rape than see pictures of it. BRET: Oh. Good point. >To Ms. >Murphy, Ms.Walton, Ms.Nelson, Ms. Marstiller for always being there to >listen to me and worrying about me! Thanks a lot guys!!! SAMANTHA: Hopefully those teachers will recognize the mental instability in their student and call for the nice men in white. > >And to you readers who take time to read our stories ^_^ ALL: *BLEEP* you! > >Thank you all!! > SAMANTHA: IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAD ANY CHOICE!!! > > >=[]The Metal Sonic's Credits and Strange offical Stuff[]= > >Many Thanks go to the following: > >Bookshire DraftWood -- The man who gave me my start. NASH: That's it. This Bookshire guy goes on the list. >I can never thank >him enough. He unintentionally made my life livable! SAMANTHA: Yeah, he started by removing Kefka's strait jacket. >Cecil Sho Harrvy -- >He'll be appearing in a story me and my Co-author BladeWing are working >on! MARK : More Avatars. Yay. >He's been one of the best friends I've ever had...together we're an >unstoppable team! SAMANTHA: Unstoppable as in a twister or earthquake kind of way. >Mecha Sonic -- He Finally get's a bigger role in the >story to come. I can't help but care deeply for the person behind the >SN. BladeWing -- She'll be appearing yet again~! BRET: What? She was here before? >but in the ASADAE series! >yay!!! She's me Mobius Xena! SAMANTHA : They be after me lucky charms, the bastards. >Rocky Numbat -- My Great Co-author!! NASH: Yeah, she's just as guilty as you are, Kefka. >Bakndadaze -- Just being a great person that's willing to give our >friendship another chance. SAMANTHA: I guess he tried to break it off after reading some of Kefka's work. >Locke -- For being my cool weasel bro. Locy >-- Heck she's part of the story! she's da man ma'am! RYAN: Oh yeah, I'm sure she's happy with her namesake. MARK: So she's Oscar? >Metallico Hardtek-- >for a guy who's bad 'tude and great sense of humor can make anyone >smile. Metallic Danger -- RYAN: My my, he has some weird friends... BRET: Sounds like a BGC OAV title. >I haven't chanted with him for some time but heck >our conversations are weird anyway. Kiki Danger -- One mean kitty! Almost >like Sonya if not better. SkyMog -- His Mike, Josh and Mac Characters >should soon be gettin' his own series! SAMANTHA: That is, if they're not killed in this one. >Trobbins -- One of my best buddies >Online! TR is a really great Character I hope to be adding to my >series. NASH: Yes, reality and fantasy bleed seamlessly into one another in Kefka's world... >KragokE -- My Offical Artist for ASADAE pics! Great guy too! SAMANTHA: Someone made pictures of this story? MARK: Lovely. Pictures of Sonic raping and beating furry animals. >Compie -- >We've been gettin' to know each other more via E-mail and his short >story rocks! Vector -- Me Croc bro! HellCat V -- Another of my good buddies >Usagi -- let's just say.. "I put a spell on you! And now your mines!" :) BRET: NO! You leave Sailor Moon alone, Kefka! >Tommy Tallarico -- The Great Music Man Behind his Video Games Greatest >Hits! Sugar -- you know even though we parted I'll always be your >friend and I hope you'll never forget that okay? Sides my insane buddy! We >still have the memory of...The Moth, The Cat, and the Bird! LOL!! (don't ask >people) Anyone else I forgot, forgive me deeply! SAMANTHA: For this fanfic? No way!!! > >Music I Slaughtered by: Final Fantasy 7: Orignal SoundTrack "Cosmic >Canyon", MeatLoaf: Bat out of Hell, Back into Hell "Wasted Youth" NASH: Well, I can die happy now that I know what Kefka listened to when he wrote this story. >(I recomended CD by me bro ;) ), SAMANTHA: Quit giving these people a bad name! >Tommy Tallarico: Video Games Greatest hits >Vol II "Falling", The Wild Arms SoundTrack "Ov erLand Theme" , Mortal >Kombat: More Kombat "Higher" , Alantis Morisette Jagged Little Pill >"Ironic" "Not the Doctor" "Wake up", MARK: He listens to Morrisette? Now Kefka *really* doesn't have an excuse for making his women dishrags. >Xena: Warrior Princess "Main >Theme" "Gabby Dance" "The Warrior Princess" And Umm let's see....Oh yeah duh >while writing the Ele x bit I listened to The BAD FUTURE Sonic CD >Themes..both the Japanese and American Version. BRET: Video game music = rape scene. Explains a lot, actually. RYAN: Aww, come ON!! I played that damn game over and over, and that music never caused ME to think of rape and torture, you sick *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*!! SAMANTHA: That sure is a lot of music ol' Kefka listened to. > >Offical Online Service(S): America Online, And CompuServe! NASH: As such, they must be held accountable for this fanfic. SAMANTHA: Boo! Down with AOL! Down with Compuserve! >Offical PC >equipment: Aver Fun TV board, a Lexmark Jet Printer (newest addition to >my family of PC stuff!), FlatBed Scanner (second newest) And a few other >things I ferget at da moment. MARK: Damn! Now I'll never know about every little piece of Kefka's computer equipment! >Heh it's cuz it's 1:25 on 11/01/97 while >I'm doing dis... SAMANTHA: I think Kefka is starting to crack. BRET: *Starting*?! > >Beta Readers: Cecil, Mecha, SkyMog, BladeWing, Locy, Kragok, HellCat, >caa157, Jakeste, scrap_brain, Tallarico, dmx97, Adnan, FireOmen, >ergon6, fischer, maric, Griffin, emperor Kage, And sandra!!! LET'S GIVE EM A >HAND!! SAMANTHA: Preferably in the form of a fist heading towards their head at high speed. > >And on a final note I'd like to thank all of you for not skinning me >alive for not getting' this done sooner...I promise part 7 will be MUCH >Faster. NASH: Nearly two years later... SAMANTHA: Not when I get my hands on your scrawny little neck, you miserable little no good... > >With allot of love, Speed, and hope... MetalSonic.....Giving you none >stop action when it comes to stories. (Yeah right) ....hey I think >that's my slogan now! ^_^ Now everybody sing! MARK: No! We're not your slaves, Kefka! ALL: ATTICA! ATTICA! >DUM DUM DUM it's fun to stay at >the Y-M-C-A! It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!! They have everything, for >you to enjoy! You can hang out with all the boys! RYAN: Oh yeah... he's snapped. BRET: I got enough of Sonic 'hanging out with the boys' in this fic, thanks... SAMANTHA: Uh-oh. Kefka is singing disco music! This is bad. Very bad! > >......help me..... ::Metal is dragged away by two large men in white >suits:: NASH: And beaten? Please? >Oh that's the way aha aha I like it aha aha~! That's the way >aha aha I like it aha aha~! SAMANTHA: Oh well. At least one wish has come true. > >oh Wait wait! I got a song for the girls!! [Everyone stares at Samantha] SAMANTHA: Oh, sure, blame me... > >At first I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinkin' I could never live >without you by my side; But then I spent so many nights Thinkin' how >you did me wrong And I grew strong And so you're back from outer space I MARK: So who wants to take bets on what Kefka's on? I'm thinking LSD, myself. BRET: I'd go with cocaine. Explains how hyper Kefka is. NASH: No, it's gotta be heroin. C'mon, nothing else could produce this! RYAN: Maybe it's pot. Could explain the hallucinations. STEVE: I dunno, the singing at the end seems to go *waaaay* beyond pot. SAMANTHA: Well, I say it's that blue stuff that Nash drinks. >just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I should >have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave your key If >I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me SAMANTHA: The mighty run on sentence has appeared! Quick! Someone get a camera! It only appears once every hundred bad fanfics! > >Go on now, go walk out the door Just turn around now ('cause) you're >not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye >Did I crumble Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not.I. I will MARK: ...ramble on endlessly about crap that has nothing to do with the story and that no one really cares about? >survive Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive; I've >got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give and I'll survive, I >will survive. Hey hey. SAMANTHA: You can stop now. RYAN: Great, and he's ripped apart a good song that did happen to be used by the women's movement. Thanks a lot, Kefka!! SAMANTHA: Thanks for pointing it out, Ryan. Just one more crime to add to the pile. > >(I'll stop now.....heh...Night Folks....or Goodmorning or good >afternoon...) ALL: Thank you! BRET: But leave 'the Truman Show' *out* of this! NASH: It's over! Par-ty, par-ty... [DOOR SEQUENCE 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] The crew of the SON (minus one) walked out of the theater. They were bruised and battered, but not yet broken. Nash looked vaguely confused, and turned towards Mark and Ryan. "Okay, I wanna make sure that I understood what was goin' on in the story. Stop me if I'm wrong," "Okay," Mark replied. "So, Sonic becomes evil in part one, and starts raping and killing people," Nash began. "Yep," Ryan said with a nod of his head. "And up through part five, he's still evil and raping and killing people," "Uh-huh," Mark affirmed. "And in part six, he basically kills all of the good guys and goes on raping and killing people." "Yeah, that's basically it," Ryan finished. "Just checking." Meanwhile, Bret was checking around the Satellite for Steve, and not having much luck in finding him. In fact, he was starting to get a little bit worried. "You *still* can't find him?" Samantha asked. "No, he's not in his room or anything. I don't like this..." And on cue, the Viewscreen glowed to life with a transmission from Titan 13. In the background, Bischoff and Vince's epic battle was continuing, but both combatants were starting to look a little weary. "Arrogant fool!" Vince shouted. "Your powers are a lie! You are as nothing before me!" "Oh, really?" Eric countered as he tossed his microphone-whip weapon to the ground. "I don't think so. *I* have something you never will... STAR POWER!!" With that Eric threw a rather Kamehameha like power-blast at his archnemesis. Vince hastily raised an energy shield. At first, it was weakened, and almost shattered. But then the Unholy overlord of wrestling summoned forth all his terrible strength for one final blow... "NIELSEN SURGE!!" Vince's supreme ki strike easily canceled out Bischoff's, sending him flying through the air. Eric landed in a rather useless heap on the ground, utterly defeated. Pippkin looked back on the scene and smiled. "Oh, good. Vincent will be most pleased." "Not if the Rock can't find one of those damn contracts," Rocky Maivia grumbled as he sorted through another one of Vince's filing cabinets. Pippkin, meanwhile, had finally noticed the feed from the SON. "Oh! Greetings, Neo-Freedom Fighters. Tell me, how was the torture?" "Where the hell is Steve?!" Bret angrily demanded. "Ah, yes, Mr. Borden. You see, the fanfic turned out to be a bit much for him... in fact, it reduced his brain to Jell-O." With that, the camera panned over to show Steve laying limply on a mysteriously convenient operating table. Steve's eyes suddenly shot open, and he sat up and let out an uproarious Stinger howl. Pippkin sighed, and smacked the former dark avenger smartly on the head with a giant cartoon mallet. Steve collapsed back onto the table, still once more. "Vince left us *very* explicit instructions as to what we were to do in case such a thing happened," Pippkin said as he turned back to the camera. "So, in accordance with Mr. McMahon's wishes, we are now going to sign him to a twenty year contract and turn him into the new Doink the Clown." "Vince just wanted to hire him? That doesn't sound very evil," Samantha said in confusion. The wrestlers on the SON, however, were screaming in horror. "NO!! NO!! Not that! That's the worst gimmick in history!" Bret shrieked. "Have a heart, man! Just kill him!" Nash wailed. "Dammit, Vince, I don't care if I do work for you! That's *EVIL*!" Mark added in furiously. Vince McMahon finally entered the camera's range, dragging his defeated opponent behind him. "Come now, boobies, surely you knew I wasn't going to stop *just* with bad net posts. I had a similar fate in store for each of you. But Paul Ellering here... oh, you don't even want to *know* the horrors I have in store for him. Does the phrase 'Gobbledygooker' sound familiar?" The wrestlers let out another communal shriek of agony. Fortunately, at that moment, the sound of a steel chair smacking firmly into a head rang out from outside T 13's camera range. Vince and Pippkin stared in that direction briefly, then broke and ran. Swatting furiously, a very familiar figure ran on-screen to help chase them off... "PAGE!!" the wrestlers chorused happily. Diamond Dallas Page, smoking a cigar and grinning his usual self-satisfied grin, smiled back at the guys on the SON. "Sorry, guys. Would've been here sooner, but I had to hitch a ride with Karl Malone in an eighteen wheeler. I also had to get Miguel Perez and LaParka out of my house, and spend a little quality time with Kimberly... y'know." "Er... yeah. Exactly what the hell happened to you, Page?" Bret asked. "It was the weirdest thing. I just got dumped back at my house. Pretty cool, actually." Page then turned to help up an extremely groggy Eric Bischoff. "I'm sure you guys have a hell of a story to tell, too, but first we need to get 'cha down." "Why, yezz, Mista Lee-no, we'd *luv* to hav eyou ressle," Bisch slurred. Page smacked him a few times to bring him back to reality, and then Eric quickly fell to work trying to decipher the controls of the Deus Ex Machina. Up on the Satellite, general rejoicing had broken out. Nash immediately pulled out a keg and tapped it, while Bret and Sam pulled together for a ridiculously long kiss. Mark even went so far as to genuinely smile. Ryan had pulled off his jacket and fell to his knees in joy. "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! Thank *GOD* almighty, I'm FREE AT LAST!" As Page dragged Steve into the camera's view (who was muttering something about 'rowdy rowdy'), Eric turned brightly to the camera. "Okay, guys, I think I've figured this out. These Doomsday Machines have really good instruction manuals... just took me a few minutes to find it. Now to get you down..." "... Wait, wait," Bret said. "First, get Ryan home." "Who?" "The kid." "Oh. Right. Well, where to?" "Hmm... HEY! Can you possibly send me to Kefka's home address?!" "No problem," Eric said, tapping a few buttons. Ryan grinned and waved good-bye as he disappeared in a column of blue light, yelling, "Don't worry!! I'll give him a few kicks in the ass for you guys too!!" "Okay... now what about you?" Eric asked. "Oh... me?" Samantha asked. "I'll be staying with Bret," she said as she happily cuddled up to him. "You're *really* going to have to tell me what happened when I was gone. In that case, let's just jump straight to getting you guys off the Satellite!" Eric triumphantly tapped a button on the Deus Ex Machina control panel... and then faded from sight. A few seconds later on the SON, a similar flash of light appeared, dropping Eric painfully to the flooring. "Oh, *good* one," Mark growled down at the crestfallen promoter. The Satellite's jubilant atmosphere immediately died down. Back in T 13, Page swore. "Christ, the damn thing was booby-trapped!" "Oh, yes,' a sinister voice added off camera. Page immediately began backing away, pulling Steve along with him. Pippkin, now wielding his trademark boxing-glove gun, advanced on the wrestler, Vince following him closely behind. "Um... I promise I'll send somebody back to get you guys... really, I will!" Page said into the camera before grabbing Steve and running like hell out of T 13. On the Satellite, the mood immediately went from subdued to downright black. "REALLY good one," Mark said while glaring at Bischoff dangerously. Eric shrugged his shoulders helplessly and began edging behind Nash for protection. Suddenly, the Satellite seemed like a much more dangerous place... Vince smirked into the camera as Rocky staggered back into camera range. "You see, boobies, you can't win. You're not going anywhere until I've turned your brains into tapioca, and it's just time that you accepted it." "Well, at least we still have each other," Bret sighed to Samantha. "Ah, yes. About that... you see, I can't have you using the power of love to give you an unfair advantage during the posts. So that means..." Vince grinned wickedly as he moved his hand towards the Deus Ex Machina's controls. "What?!" "You can't..." Too late. Even as Bret tried to pull her tighter, she was already gone... torn away in a flash of bluish light. The former Canadian hero suddenly looked absolutely horrified. "You... you... where is she? Where the *hell* did you send her?!" Vince shrugged. "Who knows? I say, all's well that ends well. Now, if you'll excuse me, Pippkin and I have work to get back to." "Yes, we were turning Val Venis and Degeneration X into heroes, weren't we?" With that, the evil promoter and his evil rabbit assistant walked away. On the Satellite, the three wrestlers and promoter were left to deal with their new (or in some cases, old) predicament. Kevin Nash groaned. "Man... life's really gonna suck now, isn't it?" "You have no idea," Bischoff replied wearily to him. "Did I ever tell you about the thing with the noodles?" Mark just tried to keep himself from destroying everything in the general vicinity to vent his rage. "I work... for you... Vince," the Lord of Darkness choked out. Being stuck on the Satellite was bad enough, but being stuck there for no real reason was unbearable. Bret, oddly enough, just leaned over onto the console. His face and voice were very clam as he said, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to my room now so I can listen to 'Unforgiven II' and weep uncontrollably." "No problem," Bisch replied. "Thank you." Bret then carefully walked off of the SON bridge, so his dignified veneer wouldn't crack until he was safely in private. In Titan 13, Rocky Maivia could only look into the camera and arch his eyebrow (into the famous expression known only as the People's Eyebrow). Then he shrugged, pushed the Button, and decided to go pick up a Josta. BLIP!!! \ / \ / \ / 0 / \ / \ / \ PWOOSH!! EPILOGUE ONE: The roar was deafening. The crowd was going wild. Yes, the battle to determine just WHO was the better between Ranma and Ryouga was going down now! Standing at the sidelines were Akane and Ukyou, still trying to tell them the whole fight was unnecessary. Guess they weren't listening. "So, pig boy, ready to finally concede and see that I'm better?!" "No way, Ranma! You're going down, once and for all!" "There can only be one!" "Yeah?! Well... um... prepare to d- no, wait. Uh... prepare to get severely hurt!!" Ranma tensed up to leap... then paused and pointed. "Hey Ryouga, what's that?" Ryouga laughed. It HAD to be a trick. "No way, Ranma! I'm not gonna fall for--" "KEFKA!! FEEL MY PAIN!!!" Ryouga had the hindsight to actually blink once before being picked up in a fireman's carry and slammed down on his head. It didn't help either that someone grabbed him by the legs and was clamping down on him with a figure four. "AAAAIIIIGGGHH!! GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFF!!" Akane raised a brow. "Ryan, is that you?" Ryan blinked a couple of times and looked around. "Yeah, Akane, it is. I'm back on the Satellite, aren't I? Crap! I was almost free!" "AAAAIIIEEE!! MY LEGS!!" A wall monitor blinked into existence, showing the angry visage of Oscar. "So, you thought you could get away, huh?! Not while I'M around!" A sign held by a white paw popped up under Oscar's head. [Sorry, we almost distracted him enough.] Not seeing the sign, Oscar continued his tirade. "You'll never escape. Just remember that! Subterra 69 out!" Ryan sighed. "Damn bastard. Come on guys, I'll tell you all about what happened to me... and we've gotta make plans. It seems we've got a few allies, and we might possibly have more..." "GETOFFGETOFF!! GET!! OFF!!! OWWWWW!!" "Oh, Ryouga. Sorry bout that." "Ite..." EPILOGUE TWO: A few days later on the SON, and everyone was still basically bitter and bad-tempered, with a good dash of depression thrown in for Bret. As they were moping around the bridge, the beeping sound of an incoming message caught Eric's attention and he turned on the hexscreen. All the wrestlers, especially Bret, grinned as they saw Samantha, dressed in jeans and a tank top, appear on the screen. The background showed several Anime characters drinking and chatting, easily identifying it as the Club Anipike. "Hi guys!" she said, wiping a tear away. "Hello Bret," she said, a bit softer. "Samantha!" the wrestlers all shouted. "How are you doing? Are you okay?" Bret asked, his voice full of concern. "I'm doing good. Had a little bit of trouble when I got off the SON, love, but nothing I couldn't handle," Samantha replied. "So what are you doing?" Mark asked. "I'm alternating between riffing bad fanfics, preparing for the second AAA tournament, and thinking of ways to get you guys off the SON." "All of us?" Nash asked. "Even me?" "Yes, even you, you big goof," Samantha replied with a slight smile. "When do you think you can get back up here?" Bret asked. Samantha wiped away a tear and sniffed. "I'm not sure, love. Vinnic Mac put some kind of field about the SON so that's it's harder to find. But don't worry! I'll get up there and get you guys off the Satellite!" "Oh, isn't this touching," said a sarcastic voice as Vince Mcmahon, with Pippkin and the Rock standing behind him, cut in on the Viewscreen. "This is a private discussion you *BLEEP*," Samantha shouted. "My my, such language for a lady," Pippkin sneered. "SHUT UP!" Samantha and the wrestlers shouted. "Do all you want, Samantha. You'll never find the SON and you'll never get your friends off the SON," Vince stated. "Is that a challenge?" Samantha asked, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "Well... yes. Yes it is," Vince replied. "One which you'll fail at." "Well, I take that challenge, Vinnie Mac. And I'm gonna get back on the SON, get my love and my friends off, and then we're come and find you and beat the crap out of you! And that's the bottom line, 'cause Silhouette said so!!!" And with that, Samantha gave Vince and his cohorts the finger and cut the communication. "That's some lady you got," Eric commented. "Yeah, isn't she great?" Bret asked, a large smile on his face. "Right there, she kinda reminded me of Steve Austin with breasts," Nash said. Bret winced as that phrasing brought the image of Stone Cold in drag into his mind. "Never, ever mention that again," he said tiredly. ______________________________________________________________ BORING STUFF: Well, let's say it again, people! The various wrestlers used here are the property of WCW, WWF, and themselves. Their actions are in no way meant to reflect their true personalities, as I'm sure they're all fine human beings. Pippkin is the property of David Gonterman, also a fine human being who deserves an apology for a few of the swipes I took at him in earlier portions of this Mega-MiSTing. The AAA (at least as an idea), is the Sovereign Property of Tim McLees and myself. Oh, and I guess Shinji is the property of himself, as well. Last yet not least, ASADAE is the property of Kefka the Dark One. ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended towards Kefka the Dark One. Consider this a humorous variant of C & C. And I've certainly had fun with his characters in my other project, the AAA. LYNX'S NOTES: It's done! It's done! It's finally done! This was my first big series and my first lemon-ish tale. It was hard, but I loved it, and I'll return to Kefka's works in the future. MAJOR thanks go out to Jamie Jeans and Justin Golden for working with me here. I've learned a lot from both of them, and I encourage you to check out their works on SVAM. We're the SVAM Triple Threat, and we will riff again together someday. Big thanks in the making of part six go to my partner in crime, Webmaster, all-around nice guy, and closet furvert (hee hee!) Tim McLees, who edited the original story down so I could post it up with the others. If you wish to see the original version, head to Bookshire Draftwood's fanfic archive (to which there is a convenient link at SVAM), the mature section. Finally, I'd like to thank everyone who's supported me and MWT3K over the months. Now, I need to take a loooong rest... hope you all enjoyed the ride! JOLT'S NOTES: I need a small break as well, Lynxaxa. All of these team-ups and editing has gotten to me... I would like to thank my two fellow MSTiers for just being there on this MSTing... Alicia has the wrestlers and J-Boogie just adds that special spice we all love... And thanks for editing those awful scenes Shinji! Can I please have that ride in EVA-01? No? Nuts... Oh yeah! Three guesses as to who gets up on the SON when me and Lynxara get together for an MSTing again... Breaks over!!! Now where's that pot of coffee... J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: Well, let me just say that I happened to read part six and I'm STILL wondering what the hell Kefka was smoking. After this, I think I'll take a long, LONG rest... it was inevitable though... for this is the end. But do not worry! This shall not be the last time we work together! We have a special chemistry when we coordinate with each other! Somewhere... out there... we shall get together... and totally RIP STORIES APART!! So until next time, people... Yatta!! Minna Arigato!! OYASUMI!!! OYAJIII!!! (Ryan tackles JB off screen and hog ties him) RYAN: Sorry 'bout that. I think the story got to him more than he put on. Ja na, Minna-san! SAMANTHA: Way to go, Ryan! E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com E-mail Jolt!: xwing@uniserve.com E-mail J-Boogie: Wholden535@aol.com ______________________________________________________ > "The dark one... has won."