Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, round five: 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds' part 5 Original Story by Kefka the Dark One MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, aka Lynxara CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, aka JOLT!!! CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, aka J-Boogie Now, on to the show! ________________________________________________________________________ Bret stared at his tall, pale, undead friend in an expression of shock. "It was WHAT?!" "A ruse," Mark replied sagely over his morning cappuccino. "A very elaborate plan designed to make Nash leave Samantha alone based on the assumption that I was the scariest person on this ship, and that eventually not even Nash would want to incur my wrath." Bret blinked, and tried to process this interesting new bit of information. "That was a really good ruse." "Not really. It convinced everyone *but* Nash. I'm not sure *why* he thinks she's a lesbian, but it's just as well. She would've ended up killing him sooner or later the way things were going." Bret fiddled with his breakfast spoon, his mind suddenly not on food. His life had been much simpler when the SON had just been four lonely guys on a Satellite. Now he had Ryan, being stuck in charge during Eric's absence, and a seemingly never-ending Sonic the Hedgehog story to deal with. And then, of course, there was Samantha, who was a walking bundle of trouble. He really liked having her around, but putting a single stunning woman on a ship with a bunch of lonely guys had created all sorts of problems. Most of them had been finally worked out, but there were still quite a few he had to deal with himself. He was jolted out of his impromptu reverie by the incoming post klaxons. He absent mindedly stuck his cereal bowl in the sink, and then followed Mark out of the kitchen. He met up with Steve, Nash, and Ryan on the bridge. Steve and Nash were pulling a pair of ridiculously futuristic-looking boots out of a box. "You guys have the gimmick ready?" Bret asked. "Yep," Steve said a bit proudly. This one had been his idea, and it was one of their best. "So who's gonna wear these things?" Ryan asked a bit curiously. He hadn't been in on the making of the gimmick, so he had no idea what it did. It looked fun though... he had always liked moon boots. Mark made a point of glowering at all of them, letting their own imaginations fill in the horrible consequences of keeping the Lord of Darkness from fully enjoying his morning dose of caffeine. Nash and Steve glanced at each other, and then said in unison, "Pink-boy." Bret looked skeptically back at them. "Trust me," Nash said emphatically. "These are perfect for you." "Whatever," Bret replied as he began lacing the stupid things on. A few minutes later, the Viewscreen clicked on. "Greetings, LOD 2000!" Vince beamed at them from Titan 13. He blinked as he noticed someone missing. "Tell me, where's Sunny?" Steve shrugged. Vince looked displeased. "Hmmm... I knew I'd have to deal with that one sooner or later. Rock, run a search of the Satellite." "Gotcha, Boss Man," Rock dutifully replied. As Rocky Maivia began the search, Vince turned back to the SON feed. "As you know, I've commanded a gimmick exchange for today. So what do you have, boobies?" Steve did the talking this time as Nash and Mark helped Bret up. "Well, you know how a lot of the most popular guys in wrestling have been the guys who don't do it right? Y'know, guys like Hogan and Warrior... heck, even our buddy Mark! All wrestlers who have based their entire characters around no-selling." Steve moved over to Bret, who was wobbling uncomfortably in the huge, heavy boots. "It's guys like Fighting Canadian here who all the *highbrow* wrestling fans like... guys who actually act like they're getting beaten up." "Well, that's the *point*," Bret said defensively. Nash and Mark exchanged a bemused glance at their friend's naivete. "Well, we came up with a way to train these *talented* guys to not sell moves, so they can get popular," Steve continued. "I *am* popular!" Bret shouted. "Sure you are," Nash said consolingly as he patted Bret's shoulder. "We call these No-Sell Boots. While wearing them, it makes it completely impossible for *any* wrestler to sell a move. He can't stagger and he can't fall down!" "I can't move my legs!" Bret broke in. Steve grinned as he finished. "That's the idea. We could make any good, boring wrestler popular with these... Chris Benoit, Perry Saturn, Kanyon, even Owen Hart!" "There's nothing wrong with Owen!" Bret fumed. "Of course not," Mark said in much the same tone Nash had spoken in earlier. "We'll even demonstrate them to you! Pink-boy's one of the best workers in the business, right? Watch as he gets hit and doesn't budge! Ryan, if you will?" "Huh? You want *me* to hit him?" "Sure," Steve replied. "Well, it's not like you could hurt me," Bret added a bit hopefully. "Oh... really?" Ryan walked a few feet away from Bret, and cupped his hands to his side. "Fun... kay... ha... me... HAAAA!!!!" Bret woke up on the floor. His feet had stayed on the ground, locked into position... he had simply fallen backwards from the knees up. It was a very awkward and painful position, but fortunately he was in too much pain from the energy blast to notice. Mark's eyes widened a bit as he looked at a wickedly grinning Ryan. Clearly, there was a bit more to this kid than they thought. "Only *you* could manage to screw this up," Steve said bitterly. Nash snickered as he watched Bret's rather pathetic attempts to get up. Vince smiled at them through the Viewscreen. "Well, that rather sucked. But it was funny, so I'll let you live. Now *my* gimmick is a stroke of genius you're not likely to see again... especially when you consider who you work for." "I work for *you*, Vince," Mark futilely tried to remind his boss as he helped Bret get the No-Sell Boots off. It didn't work, of course. Vince held up a small round metal sphere. "This is by far the best kept secret to wrestling success. This orb will give you everything you need to make a successful federation..." "Hey, Vinnie Mac! I've got a gimmick for ya!" "I found her, Boss Man!" the Rock exclaimed at the same time. Vince made a mental note kill Rocky later, and then turned to face the last member of the SON family. Samantha had just walked into the bridge. Since her debacle with Nash was finally over, she had managed to replicate a normal wardrobe (currently, some nice jean shorts and a tank top). Of course, that wasn't the surprising thing about her appearance... it was that she was taking off an air tank and her skin was literally covered with frost. "Damn her bra! Damn it straight to hell!" Nash muttered to himself. "Samantha... what..." Bret began asking. "I had to go outside for a few minutes," she replied. "And here it is, McMahon," Samantha said as she began typing commands on the SON's main control board. "It's well known in all wrestling federations... revenge!!!" "Oh, *really*?" McMahon smirked. "Tell me, Marlena, exactly what do you have?" Samantha grinned, a dark glint in her eyes. "I call it... ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT!!! THIS IS FOR PART 4!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" "But Samantha, we don't *have* weapons on the SON..." Bret pointed out. "We do now!!!" the redhead shouted joyfully as she pushed a large red button on the console. A loud rumbling filled the air as the SON began to vibrate. "Give me rocket Number 9!" "Holy..." Bret trailed off. "Sweet Jesus!" Steve exclaimed. "Where did you *get* that?" Mark asked. "Cool!" Ryan breathed in awe. "Hey, that's actually not some bad metalwork," Nash commented. As the shot of the outside of the SON appeared on the Viewscreen, everyone saw a huge cannon now affixed to the bottom of the Satellite angle downwards and gather energy. "Let 'er rip!" Ryan yelled. "FIRE!" Samantha shouted. Vince only had time to look slightly surprised before a wave of crimson energy slammed into T 13. The feed from Titan 13 abruptly cut off, and then slowly re-emerged out of static. The underground bunker had been thoroughly wrecked. The Deus Ex Machina was fine, but there were so many pieces of ceiling and rubble strewn about that you couldn't even see the floor. Eventually, the camera picked up the sounds of sobbing. Rocky was holding his Intercontinental Title in his hands, the gold front plate somehow ripped off during the explosion. "It'll be okay, it'll be okay..." he was repeating brokenly to himself. The SON erupted in cheers. After almost a week of hell, someone had finally managed to pay the Evil Ones back. The cheers died down when Vince stalked onto the screen. His suit was ripped, his face was smudged with soot, and he had an incredibly dark look on his face. "You *will* pay for this, Chyna," Vince growled at Samantha. "But first, I'll send you a dose of your regularly scheduled suffering... ASADAE 5, by my friend and yours, Kefka the Dark One." Vince was still glaring at them when he pressed the Button. Ryan gulped nervously. "I don't think that helped things." Bret, however, was grinning like a madman. "How soon until we can do it again?" "Well, it'll be a couple of days, at least," Samantha replied. "The cannon has to recharge, and..." The buzzers and lights went off. "... WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIIIGN!!" [DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [All enter theater and take seats] >I always paste this beginning from the old first ver of A Sorcerer, A >Demon, an Emeralds RYAN: Because I'm lazy. > (asadae for short) ALL [chanting, ala Escaflowne]: AAAA-SAAA-DAAAA-EEEE.... >not this time people! SAMANTHA: Hey, a change! Woohoo!!! BRET: What? No fishies? MARK [Sighs]: It looks like our little Kefka is growing up... > >Warning: Do to some adult content; readers beware! RYAN: Beware... beware... BRET: The ides of march? RYAN: No, sick fanboys who destroy a good show. SAMANTHA: Your eyes will melt and your skin will boil if overexposed to this fanfic. BRET: Didn't you do that before? SAMANTHA: Hey, it's recyclable. STEVE: And *we* reuse riffs all the time. NASH: Why think up a new one when you've got a perfectly good joke lying around? >and for those of you >who don't like my writing please shut up ALL: NO! >with the stupid flames (only >gotten 3 flames out of 64 letters I've received that loved the story! many >in which I have become friends with th e writer!) STEVE [laughs]: *That* bothers you? I've got a friend named Gonterman you should talk to... SAMANTHA: Oh god! He's kidding, right? Only *three* flames? Okay, something's not right here... MARK: What are you doing? SAMANTHA: Just going to up the amount of flames he's getting... BRET: Uh... no... SAMANTHA: Oh, you're no fun! BRET: Well, *someone* has to be responsible. RYAN: It's KEFKA. Flaming him *IS* our responsibility! > >A sorcerer, A demon, and Emeralds (PART5) RYAN: Thanks for the memories... SAMANTHA: Shouldn't that be rest in peace? MARK: No, it's... [UT voice] ...REST IN PEACE!! >Written by: (now is asking to be called) METAL SONIC D.Knight Sonic NASH: A bad author by any other name still writes like crap. BRET: NASH!! RYAN: I'll dub thee whatever I like, knave! In fact, until further notice, I'm calling you "Pootsie". >(FF2 lovers know 'bout the Dark Knight Thing) or if you MUST call me >"Kefka" RYAN: How about if I just call you dumbass? It's basically the same. STEVE: Oh, after all the good times we've shared... you'll always be Kefka to us. >Special SPECIAL Co-author for the Sally Flash back is written by: >Roxane Myers (Roxane3@AOL.com) RYAN: Co-author? WILLINGLY?!?! I will NOT believe it! SAMANTHA: Hey Bret, give me that PC back... > >Dedicated to: First of all BOOKSHIRE DRAFTWOOD for placing this on the >coolest web page in the world of Mobius! MARK: I'd like to point out here that Bookshire's archive is also the home of such *fine* works as 'Orcium', 'The Newcomer', and the 700 or so Joseph stories. Thank you. SAMANTHA: Damn you! Damn you to... Oh, I did that one already. >Then to Sugar my sweet heart on >CompuServe, NASH [snorts contemptuously]: Yeah, I bet Kefka has a lot of *virtual* girlfriends. RYAN: Aww, that's so... ah, forget it. SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! He kisses up so that he can stay online! >Leo Cristophe for being my best friend on CompuServe, SAMANTHA: Hey, Kefka has a best friend! I'm amazed! BRET: Then I'm sure Mark will go after him second. MARK [growling]: Damn skippy. >Locy & >Jai for just taking the time to unde rstand my problems RYAN: You used my name for some genetically engineered misfit who has the hots for Antoine. Of course I understand... (mutters) That you're a sicko... SAMANTHA: And boy, does Kefka have problems! >and letting me >help with theirs, and of course. . . MECHASONIC my America On-line Brother >who is also my best friend. STEVE: But I thought Kefka called *himself* Mecha Sonic... man, the continuity's screwed up and we're not even in the story yet! SAMANTHA: A brother who is a best friend... I'm confused. Anyone figure that one out? RYAN: Nope, and I'm not about to bother trying. >Mecha ya know I care! SAMANTHA : Really, I do! I don't *mean* to force you to read my god awful fanfics but these voices... BRET: Okay, that's enough flaming the author! RYAN: Whoa no, there can NEVER be enough of THAT... > >Also Dedicated to All the members of KNOTHOLE CITY on America On-line and >to the VIDEO GAME CENTRAL on CompuServe. SAMANTHA: May both systems crash in a horrible blazing inferno! OTHERS : Yay. > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >feedback: Anyone who wishes to comment on my stories can send E-mail to >the following : SonyaShoR@AOL.Com MetalSonic@AOL.Com NASH: I think I'll make my comments right here, K-man. SAMANTHA: This fanfic sucks! No, we did that one to death... RYAN: Um, your writing actually makes me long for fingernails scratching against a chalkboard? OTHERS: (clapping ala Family Feud) Good answer! Good answer! > >Note: All Flames will be answered, and all Praises will be thanked. MARK: Those who recognize my wisdom shall live on in the new world, but those who question my power shall be crushed. RYAN : Here, read my story. Alright, all of those who threw it out at the first page shall be my right hand men. >If One E-mail address doesn't respond fast enough try the other! STEVE: Maybe only having *one* address to check would help. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lawful >Stuff-only-SEGA's- Lawyers-and-other-company-reps-would-actually-read, >unless-your-one-of >those-kids-who's-totally-into-checking-everything-out-cause-if-you-are-try-not-to-flame- >me-to- >bad-on-the grammar-errors-thank-you! and-isn't-this-the-longest >-little-Header-I've-ever-written? > RYAN: Nah, that ain't nothing. But save the hyphens for other people, alright?! [Nash stands up out of his seat, pulls out a camera, and takes a picture of the screen] MARK: What... NASH: I've never seen anything like that, and I doubt I will again. SAMANTHA: Ohhhh... BRET: Are you okay? SAMANTHA: uh... yeah... That was just... Dr.T wasn't *that* bad. >Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, STEVE: Wolf, Agent Q, Charlton Woodchuck, Skippy the Wonder Weasel... >Knuckles Echidna, Mecha Sonic, Metal Sonic are Characters SAMANTHA: Who have been suckered into this horrible fanfic by a contract clause. RYAN: Really? SAMANTHA: Happens to the Senshi all the time. >created by SEGA, Princess >Sally, Antoine De'coolette, and all other characters are based on those >from DIC inc. MARK: ... who will burn in the everlasting fires of hell for what they did to Sailor Moon. BRET: The NA version isn't *that* bad. SAMANTHA: Just DIC it! RYAN: I'd be careful saying that around some people... they just might take you up on our offer. >Sonya Sho Robotnik/Sony a Sonic Eiji , Locy Hottovy are NASH: ... probably going to end up as bed fodder for Sonic by the time this story's over. RYAN: Or any other evil male in this story.. >characters created by Elizabeth Ramirez & Alex Arellano & Tina Hottovy. > >Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, Terra Branford, and many other magical things STEVE: ... like bedpans, plungers, ball peen hammers, and spackle... RYAN: What about unicorns and fairies and elves and gnomes? MARK : Square Soft! You can do *stupid* things! >are based on the characters and items created by SquareSoft inc. All Hail The >Greatest Company to make Role Playing Games! ALL: HAIL, SQUARE SOFT! SAMANTHA: Well at least we agree with him on that. RYAN: Though, I must go on record and say that the ending to FF7 blows. Thank you. > >Suikoden's Runes are trademark (I'm sure) of Konami BRET: And they've been horribly misused (I'm sure) by Kefka. > >1) No one can use the Characters Elizabeth Ramirez, RYAN: Oh darn, and I was just about to write an epic using that name... SAMANTHA: Bring on Sean Connery! Get a good actor in here! >Locy Hottovy or Alex >Arellano created without written permission to the author. NASH: Yeah, they just had to beat the Archie people off with a stick to keep 'em out of their little 'corporate' comic book line. >2) This file >is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line Service without written >approval from the authors 3) If you don't' like how I changed the >characters then don't read the story! RYAN: We don't have a choice! > One such flame said something about >Sonic being totally out of character RYAN: (ala Ace Ventura) A-re-he-he-healy? STEVE: IMAGINE THAT!! >and I should have left him the cute >cuddly lovable Hedgehog! RYAN: Er, I never classified him as cuddly or cute. Cool in a kind of kickass way, yeah. But NOT cute. > what a spud! BRET: 'Spud?' Exactly *who* here has written a 300+ page Dark Sonic Lemon? SAMANTHA: Hey Kefka, if you can't take criticism well, then don't put your stuff on the web! MARK: Preach on, sister! > 4) did you know it took me 3 days to >write this complete Story? RYAN: Which three days? I'm sure I can find somebody with a time machine SOMEWHERE... SAMANTHA: Three days? I would have thought that it took him about three *hours* to write this story. NASH: Did you know it'll take me about three years of therapy to get over it? >where it took me part 4 a month and a half? is >it stress related? more stress = faster writer? STEVE: Kefka, I hope you have the most calming, peaceful life imaginable. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brief summery: SAMANTHA: Okay... Well me Mark and Nash were brought up here by an exploding plot device while two other guys were shot off into time and space and then we were all shown this bad fanfic series that has a dark Sonic raping and killing people and then Bret snapped followed by us nearly snapping and then Bret nearly snapped again and we had this huge argument and then we had a gimmick exchange followed by this horrible fanfic! [Others applaud] RYAN: Um... was I in there somewhere? SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. And there's this kid named Ryan here as well. RYAN: Thank you... >All The >heroes are finally back from their adventures BRET: ... in babysitting? >and Tails decides to make a small camping trip. RYAN : I can't STAND any of you anymore! I'm going camping. Goodbye! >Bringing along everyone for R&R. NASH: Ripe & Raunchy? STEVE: Rescue & Rangers? RYAN: Ripping & Roaring? SAMANTHA: Rough & Ready? BRET: Rocco & Rock? MARK: Rice & Roni? >However things start >to slide down memory lane and horrible past stories are soon told. RYAN: Oh, now you're giving me goosebumps... BRET: Ryan, no using trademarked names. SAMANTHA: Oh no! We've gotta relive the past four chapters!!! STEVE: Leave it to Kefka to do a clip show fanfic. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Authors Note: Some >of >you are probably wondering "hey where's that Locy & Antoine story he was >talking about!?" RYAN: If I ever find anybody who's wondering that, I shall smite them. NASH: No. I'm wondering how many Playboy models I could fit into my bed at one time. BRET: Nash... NASH: Look, that's a legitimate concern for me. RYAN: Yeah, it depends on how many pages each issue has. Though I have to wonder about the papercuts... NASH: Look, you little punk, you want a powerbomb too? RYAN: (holds up his glowing hands) Do you feel lucky? NASH: Hey! He can't threaten me back! BRET: Yes, he can. NASH: But I'm bigger than him! BRET: Sorry, power moves trump size. >well hate to tell you but it's been canceled due to lack >of idea's and sadly hole plots the size of the grand canyon. MARK: Oh, come on, Kefka! You've never let that stop you before! >The Robotnik and Mecha o ne was also canceled. RYAN: Yes! Now if only the rest of this damn thing could get canceled... SAMANTHA: I'm not sure whether to cry or cheer... > > "Kill the author!!!" STEVE: NO!! Kefka's telepathic! He can read our thoughts! SAMANTHA: YES! KILL THE AUTHOR!!! KILL HIM DEAD! KILL HIM UNTIL HE DIES!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! RYAN: Oooh! You do that so well! > >No no wait! I've done something better! RYAN: We can just torture you? That's not bad... >(I hope) instead I placed small >parts of their old stories into THIS one. If any of you are familiar with >"Independence Day" or ID4 then you will see this format of my writing is >different. BRET: Oh, okay... huh? >Jumping from One story to another! each told by every >character. NASH: Somewhere, Quentin Tarantino is crying. SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, get your ideas from a movie where the Aliens are beaten by the Amercians and there's no mention of Canada whatsoever! *HMPF!* BRET: Really! Oh, let's screw Toronto and Calgary so we can show more scenes of *Los Angeles* biting it! SAMANTHA: Like that wouldn't be an improvement... BRET: Yeah, and why is it that the aliens only concentrate on conquering the US, too? [Mark abruptly hurls lightning bolts at both of them] MARK [sighs]: I knew this would start once Bret got around one of his own. SAMANTHA & BRET: [slightly smoking] Ouch. > >"hmm Sounds cool but were still gonna kill ya!" RYAN: And I'm gonna help them! > >Why? RYAN: Does the fact you wrote a lovable mascot as a sadistic rapist/murderer who doesn't give a jack shit about his friends ring a bell? > >"Cause your Grammar sucks!" SAMANTHA: *sniff* Finally, Justice is gonna be served! I feel so happy! NASH: I feel kinda proud of him... coming and joining us in reality... > >That's another thing! I've been working on the grammar a bit, it isn't >much but hey! what do you want! I go to school in LOS ANGELES! BRET: SEE?! MARK: I don't *want* to kill you, Bret... >(and for >those who live there if you take that as an offense then try going to >Roosevelt High, place of lower education e rr I mean HIGHER education) STEVE : Yeah, 'High'! [laughs] > >"Were STILL going to kill you!" > >now why? NASH: Because violence is the best way to solve problems. Don't you watch wrestling? RYAN: Because we feel like it. Just like you felt like writing this story... > >"Cause you talk to much!" RYAN: (singing) And you never shut up! SAMANTHA: NO!!! NO!!! KILL HIM!!! GET IT DONE NOW!!! BRET: There there... everything will be fine. > >Oh yeah well, *sigh* On with the story!! SAMANTHA: Hey! You stole Jamie's opening line! MARK: I'd watch the fourth wall... we don't want another trivia scene to erupt here. > > > >A Sorcerer, A Demon, And Emeralds Part 5: R&R: Rest and Remembrance STEVE: ... Part 2: The Next Generation. RYAN: What, no Electric Boogaloo? > >Chapter 1: Dusk's wonders BRET: -- just how many more chapters there is of this fodder. > > > The roaring RYAN: Oooh, where's the lion? Where's the lion?! He can eat the group! > campfire RYAN: Damn. >lit up the small camping ground where the >Freedom Fighters dwelled. SAMANTHA: Unfortunately, the fire got out of control and burned them all and the Great Forest to a cinder. The End. RYAN: I got dibs on the legs! I love a good barbecue... >After about, a week away from each other, they >had finally united again. NASH: Let our powers combine! STEVE: Earth! BRET: Fire! MARK: Wind! RYAN: Water! SAMANTHA: Heart! ALL: I am... CAPTAIN PLANET! >In addition they each had a story to tell of >their little 'vacation' all around Mobius. T ails ordered this little >camp out for recreational purposes and perhaps just to catch up on what >they learned. SAMANTHA: What the...?!?! The world has gone to hell in a handbasket and there are still parks open? NASH: Yeah. The only thing they really have to watch out for are the budget battles in Sonotropolis. >Tails had also gotten permission from the doctor to allow >Princess Sally to come with them for the nights. STEVE : You want to take my patient who has multiple bruises and contusions all over her body and probably needs years of therapy to repair her fragile mind out of the hospital and into the woods where she can contract all sorts of diseases. Hmm, alright, I see nothing wrong with that. >It was better if she did >anyway -- maybe being around some friends will help snap her back RYAN: Her friends aren't licensed chiropractors! SAMANTHA: *SNAP* BRET : AHHH!!! My back! >to her >old loving self. RYAN: I believe after years of rape and torture, it's gonna take a bit more than THAT... > It was around ten o'clock; the night sky was at its peak. RYAN: Twin peaks? BRET: Might explain everything that's happening... MARK : I'm peakin', man! >The once dense Great Forest had thinned out so badly since the third fall. RYAN: Yeah, ya gotta hate those seasons... NASH: A little Rogaine could take care of that. >Robotnik had been the first fall, Snively was the second and Sonic was the >third. The forest's standing timber had be come plagued by toxic waste >drunk from the polluted soil around them. SAMANTHA : I'm not drunkish... I'm jush a little tipsy... RYAN: (singing) How dry I am... >Outer trees were old, dried, >and dead, but those in the middle -- STEVE: ... were obnoxious and constantly sought to be the center of attention. >spared from the toxic still had grown >green and lush. This was where this camping ground was. RYAN: Oh yeah, I'm sure their first thought was to camp in the toxic waste riddled trees... The glowing water means it's got added nutrients that's good for you! > Miles slept in >his ten t with Sally by his side; they both held each other in their arms, SAMANTHA: And nothing more than that... right? >Sally held him extremely close and tight, BRET : Can't... breathe... >any movement he made she would >feel. Miles woke up; giving off a huge yawn, MARK: He raffled it away for charity. RYAN: Whoa! We moved to that scene pretty quickly! >then stretched and looked at >Sally, who was now just waking. "Hello S unshine." Said Tails. RYAN : You are my sunshine... my only sunshine... ALL : You make me happy... when skies are grey... NASH : Oh? And exactly who is this 'Sunshine'? >"Its time >to get up for the campfire gathering as planned; are you up to it?" > "Miles." She replied happily and hugged him. SAMANTHA: A simple yes or no answer would suffice. STEVE : My binky! Yay! > "Then let's away, I'm sure they are waiting" BRET: Come! Let's away, and live to fight another day! > > > > * * * > > > Chili dogs all around the camp, SAMANTHA : Oh no! Don't go near the... RYAN: SAMANTHA : fire... >well except for Princess Sally; >she had something more needed for her condition -- MARK: A new writer? >a thick bowl of herb soup which Miles fed to her slowly. SAMANTHA: Ack!!! It's another five hour, overly detailed scene between Sally and Tails! >The Conversation began as slowly as NASH: ... the story? STEVE: How can you say that when there's all those thrill-a-minute headers? >the feeding. "Tell me Antoine, how did the t rip to Dragon Mountain >begin?" SAMANTHA Well first we got lost and then the map got all stained from the fast food we had bought earlier... RYAN: Then we got the snot beat out of us by these two humans. Just what does Shou-ryuu-ken mean anyway? Hah! Get it?! Rising Dragon Punch? Dragon Mountain?... ah, forget it. > "Well it was . . . BRET : ... pretty stupid, actually. >different. Locy Should be returning from her >coronation tonight. SAMANTHA: Coronation? Does that mean she married Antoine? Poor girl. MARK: The only way she could be coronated anything is to marry Sally or Sonic, neither of which are very appealing concepts. >When Locy reaches Knothole village they should tell >her we are here." > "Well, why don't you speak about the trip?" Miles held Sally in his >lap, his cape around her; protecting her from any breeze of wind. RYAN: Wow, he must be overprotective to keep away the WIND from her... NASH: Why doesn't he just hermetically seal her in a bubble? > "Well, like I said in my report, RYAN: Titled "What I did for my insipid vacation, by Antoine." > we reached the mountain but >decided to go into the forest for a while . . ." STEVE: If you know what I mean! > ><< Antoine and Locy had arrived at Dragon Mountain ahead of time. SAMANTHA: A good thing considering how sold out the show was. >This >was good considering that it was almost night; one didn't want to be alone >in the dark nights near Dragon Mountain. RYAN [sighs]: Well, no one *wants* to be alone at night, it just happens. >Both had decided it was best to >take camp in the forest just a few > blocks away -- SAMANTHA: 'A few blocks away?' Is Dragon Mountain a city or something? >Setting up camp was quick; no care, nor worries. RYAN: Or a single luxury. SAMANTHA: ... at least until the bears smelled the food and came running. >At the >moment they were safe and happy. "Well Locy, camps set and I am not >really sleepy." Antoine grinned slightly. [All stare at screen in horror] NASH: No! No! I'm not watching this! STEVE: God, why does *Antoine* have to score? > "Oh? Are you expecting me to help cure that?" She smiled at him; >edging closer to him. SAMANTHA: Oh well, might as well get strapped in for this... > "It would be very nice Locy, if you did." They embraced; touching >each other under the clothing, Antoine began to slip her shirt away when-- >> MARK: Ugh. This is like reading a Wesley Crusher lemon scene. BRET [horrified]: If this goes any farther, I'll never be able to have sex again. > > "Yeow!! Are you suppose to be telling me this part 'twan?" Giggled >Tails. SAMANTHA: Looks like Tails has been drinking the same stuff the trees have. GUYS: THANK YOU! > "Don't be like that; we didn't have time to do anything -- >something attacked us. NASH : I will stop this foul almost-lemon scene! >The next thing I remembered I became confined in a >huge cage --" SAMANTHA: ... and dipped into a pool of molten gold. [Steve sighs blissfully] > ><< Antoine woke up with a serious mind pounding headache -- not only that, >but he had a pain on his arm; STEVE : EWWW! Get it off! Get it off!!! >Dulcy the dragon was gnawing on his shirt RYAN: I need more fiber in my diet. >trying to awaken him. "It's about time 'Twan!" She whispered. > "Dulcy?! It's you! How is that possible?" SAMANTHA: Who's that? BRET: She's this dragon that they put into the second season of the cartoon. > "I don't have time to explain Antoine. I need to get you out of >here before . . ." Dulcy couldn't finish her sentence; for Sonic the >hedgehog entered, a grin as wide as the moon on his face. Dulcy bowed her >head to him and nuzzled him on the crotch. RYAN: Gack... stomach... revolting... must... keep... down... lunch... SAMANTHA: And then dug her teeth in, being sure not to let go. >So nic patted her on the head, >shivering slightly as he felt her hot breath on his erection. MARK: This is what I love about Kefka. You think he's done it all, and then he throws in a little bestiality to surprise us. STEVE: Hasn't everything in this story been bestiality? MARK: Well, Dulcy isn't anthropomorphic. That means buggering, and *that's* bestiality. The rest is debatable. RYAN: NOOOO!!! It's Artemis' Lover revisited!! BRET [having turned a lovely shade of green]: Guys, can we quit talking about this? >He made a mental note to 'ride' her later. SAMANTHA: RYAN : Must remember riding crop for later... NASH: I hear Dulcy's the number one roller coaster at Six Flags Over Mobius. >Dulcy relived herself from duty ALL: EW! >and walked out of the tent; she looked back at Antoine with an apologetic >look. > "Well, well Antoine, it seems your in a might bit of trouble." STEVE : Oi'm sudd'nly Cockney! > "What did you do with Locy you bastard?!" SAMANTHA: Maybe he killed her. Get it? Because he said 'you bastard'? Come on, it's funny. LAUGH! LAUGH, DAMMIT! Please? [sobs] BRET: It's okay. You tried. > "She's safe for the time being. I just had my fun with her; MARK : We played Connect Four. >nothing to strong on the poor girl." > "I swear I'll make you pay for this Sonic." SAMANTHA Yeah yeah yeah... Just wait while I get my Visa, okay? > "I doubt that, for now you have to many problems to deal with as it >is. It seems the natives think you kidnapped their loving princess. NASH : And the mushroom folk are a *vengeful* people. >She had been gone so long and changed so much, plus she can't remember >anything. YOU have her under YOUR control Ant oine, now I demand you >release her." STEVE: The hell?! Did Kefka just spazz out and start writing another story? > "I don't know what your talking about!" SAMANTHA: And frankly, neither do we. RYAN: Nor do we care. > "You don't know to much about Locy eh? BRET : Her real name is Emily Sompthwottom, and she lives in Pasadena Texas with her husband Joe. >Heh, she is very special. >She is Sara the Princess of the Dragon Amazons in this Forest" Antoine's >mouth dropped open. MARK : Damn! When Kefka ret-cons, he really ret-cons! >"Yes I know, difficult to believe but she is. She >was quite a wreck after I raped her those years ago -- but she's well and >I'm pleased she's served my purposes." >> RYAN: Rape... of course... (stands up, walks over to the wall and starts beating his head against it) NASH: Irritating semi-self-insertion? Yup, she has that covered. SAMANTHA: Um... should we stop him, or something? BRET: Eh. He'll be fine. > > > "What happened after Antoine?" Asked Sonya. STEVE: Umm... the same kind of stuff that happened before Antoine, I guess. >Antoine had obviously >gotten her full attention with his tale. SAMANTHA: After he offered them some money, that is. > "Well, when he left me to think about what happened, Dulcy came and >saved me. She unlatched my cage and told me the full scheme; Sonic >planned to use his magical clone of Locy and have her marry him. BRET : Of course, the natives weren't stupid, so it never worked. >Thus he >gains control of the strongest group in that > sector, she also spoke of runes." MARK: Ah, so she knows when to go to the Lonely Mountain in order to get the secret door open. >Sonya's eyes widen. "Anyway, I waited >my time, when the wedding was about to take place when I attacked Sonic .. ." SAMANTHA: Yes! Antoine is gonna get killed! BRET: Then how is he telling this story? SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. Good point. > > << Blood dribbled down Antoine's deep wounds; the hedgehog thrilled >to the taste of Antoine's gore. GUYS: KILL ANTOINE!! KILL ANTOINE! >As strong as Tony was with his blade [All snicker] NASH: Sure, Kefka. Now tell us about how *cool* Antoine is. >he could not outmatch Sonic's magic. A fire burned Antoine's face; SAMANTHA: Mmmm-mmm! Man, I could go for some BBQ Antoine about now. RYAN: (stumbles back over and plops into his seat) Dibs on the drumsticks... >It was >weak magic. He knew Sonic was holding bac k; wanting to prolong his >suffering. STEVE: Just kill him now, Sonic, or you'll never get it done. >"Give up sorcerer! your no longer the mighty fiend you were >with your magic!" Sonic roared in his most heroic voice. MARK: I don't even *want* to know what's going on now. SAMANTHA: I am Sonic, hear me roar. > "You are the fiend Sonic!" He lunged at him; their blades >connecting with sparks. SAMANTHA: Cool! Just like in the fight scene in Hook! MARK: Really? SAMANTHA: Uh, no. >Sonic pulled back; then threw him over his >shoulders, BRET : And it's Sonic the Hedgehog with a fallaway slam! >he left his blade positioned to rest on Antoine's throat. GUYS: KILL ANTOINE! KILL ANTOINE! >A small grinned crossed his face when blood began to cover ed the heroic >foxes face. SAMANTHA: Which is kinda impossible considering that Sonic's sword is at Atoine's throat. It makes no sense really! > "And now you die like your friend at Knothole soon will . . ." He >rose his blade and prepare the final painful blow when suddenly NASH: ... Stuff happened! People died! > "Enough! leave my lover to be!" SAMANTHA: And who might that be? >They all turned to see two Locy's; >one with a blade in her hand -- STEVE: Wesley Snipes? >another with the first ones blade in her >stomach. "Sonic you've tortured me since the day you raped and kidnapped >me, MARK : Well, yeah. That's pretty much what I do. >I wont let you harm the one I love!" SAMANTHA : Could you please tell me who it is? I'm getting confused here. > The villagers awed at the second Locy's appearance. ALL: Awwww!! > "Daughter, can it truly be you?" > "Yes mother, I was in the meadow when something attacked me and >raped me. That something is THAT HEDGEHOG OVER THERE!" She pointed to >Sonic. SAMANTHA : Hey look! What's that outside the window?! > "Amazonians surround!" BRET: So I bet she's got Wonder Woman and Chyna and those meteorite Senshi and Sailor Jupiter... RYAN: Don't forget the whole Joketsuzoku clan as backup! >Within moment Sonic became surrounded, he >colorfully expressed his feelings with a vulgar word used when someone >mates. SAMANTHA: At least he never said *BLEEP*. Hey, the censor is back! NASH: Ain't that a *BLEEP*? >Not paying attention to Antoine; knowing the time was right, he >rose; STEVE: Great, now Tux-boy is here. Maybe Sonic will kill him. >picked up his blade and stabbed it thro ugh Sonic's stomach. [A massive cheer erupts in the theater] SAMANTHA: All right! Sonic's dead! It's Molson time! >The hedgehog howled angrily and backhanded him. [The cheers quickly turn to groans] > "Don't even consider you've won." Sonic removed a black rune shaped >like a dragon from around his neck. "Black Wing! Come to your master!" RYAN: Messatsu Gou Ryuu no Pawaa! BRET: Ooh, a black dragon... how many hit dice do those have? MARK: Lemme check the Manual... it says twelve, base. >The winds grew cold when this enormous Black and purple dragon appeared, >Sonic leaped upon it's back. "I will de stroy all of you!" With that it >flew away. >> SAMANTHA: Unfortunately, it left without Sonic and he had to walk back. > > > "So you saved the village right? and everyone lived happily ever >after." NASH: Let's go! [stands up] BRET: No. NASH: God dammit. [sits down] >Tails smiled happily -- until realizing Antoine wasn't grinning. > "No, Sonic was true to his words . . ." STEVE : He sent Ratliff after us! We were destoryed mercilessly! > << After the long celebration from the Amazons, they headed home. >"Well Locy, you met your family -- told you this would be a great trip!" SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, she got kidnapped, replaced with a clone, raped, and had to admit to everyone that she loved Antoine. Yeah, a dream vacation. > "It was different Tony, but enjoyable nonetheless" NASH: No, the trip, Locy, not the sex. SAMANTHA : Which will all be explained in painstaking detail! >They stopped to >give each other a long kiss; which turned into hands wandering; which >turned into attempting to remove clothing. RYAN: Please don't go further... please don't go further... MARK: Sadly, Antoine had no idea how buttons worked. SAMANTHA: *RIP* Aw geez! I gotta wear this later Antoine. >However, again it never got >that far as a shadow above blocked the sun lo ng enough to make them look >up. BRET: Accidentally looking directly into the eclipse, they were both blinded for life. >Both gasped; it was Sonic riding the Black Wing dragon. > "Sonic the Hedgehog never goes back on his word; prepare to die!" RYAN : Bakusai Tenket-- oh wait, wrong show. Dragon Fire! STEVE : Okay, let me tie my shoe first. >He held up the dark Dragon Rune and the massive drake inhaled. NASH: 'Drake'? When did this become a Darkwing Duck crossover? BRET: *You* watched that show? NASH: Yeah! That Morgana was one sweet piece of ass! RYAN: [looks at Nash in disgust] That's sick... NASH: What did you expect? SAMANTHA: Definitely not a sick comment about a Disney character. >It followed by a scream from Sonic, then the creature let out an inferno of >magical fire. "Yes!! YES!! Burn and Die! Let me > inhaled the bitters sweet aroma of burning flesh and fur!" RYAN: Oh yeah, I'm sure that's a wicked buzz. SAMANTHA: Sonic sure has some weird tastes. >He cackled as >screams filled the blazing forest. Within moments the forest was nothing >but burned bark and ashes. MARK: Only you can prevent forest fires. > "No! Mother!" Locy screamed; running into the devastate area. Only >one solitary soul remained alive. Antoine followed her and gasped in >horror as a valley of burn corpse laid along the once mighty woodland. STEVE: I hear Burned Corpse Valley is really nice this time of year. >"Mother, speak to me mother." SAMANTHA : I'm a little busy rolling about and screaming right now. > "My child," the fox whispered, "know that I love you, and pray you >may gain knowledge of out demise." The women rasped. SAMANTHA: So Locy has several mothers... Hang on! I thought Locy was created, not conceived! BRET [sigh]: There's no point in trying to make sense of this anymore. It's Kefka's world, and he's gonna ret-con it at random if he wants to. RYAN: One thing's bothering me... what exactly is ret-con? BRET: 'Retro-active' continuity... when a writer creates an event and then tries to change it later. It's single-handedly responsible both for making the X-Men suck and the Flash really cool. >Antoine gazed at her >burned body -- over ninety percent completely burnt, NASH: Great, all but the ten percent that's making this damn speech. >how she is alive >right now was unnatural. "Please Sara, da wn RYAN: Tis... the dawn of... existence... > my armor of the Dragoon, it >lays in the shamble that was my hut. Take this with you, the rune of the >Dragons, go to the shrine on Dragon Mountain you will know when to use it >. . . good-bye daughter." >> MARK: So Locy can use the Jump attack now and is going to turn on Cecil, I gather. SAMANTHA: Could you just leave Final Fantasy 2 alone, Kefka? > > > "Oh, how sad." Sonya whispered, trying hard to keep from crying. STEVE : It's so sad that your mother burned to death. It's *almost* enough to make me shed a tear. > "Yes, Locy took it badly at first; BRET: YOU THINK?! >then she vowed revenge. From >there she told me to return to Knothole and she will catch up when her >ordeal on the mountain is done. SAMANTHA: Ah, yes! Vowing revenge and living a life of vengeance certainly does help to clear up the psyche! > "It sounds as if your vacation would have done better without >incident. NASH : Yeah, I might've gotten a little bit more out of it without the slaughter. >How was your trip to the Little Planet Lunarus?" SAMANTHA: So Antoine went out into Outer Space as well? > > >Chapter 2 MARK: Sonic the Hedgehog: The Quickening. RYAN: I WISH somebody *would* lop off his head! SAMANTHA: With a really old and rusty blade... > > > Robotnik took a large breath then exhaled tiredly. "Well, it had >many things -- one included a trip down memory lane and a chance to change >everything. STEVE : All this and more, on 'Robotnik's Road Trip!' >All the mistakes I had done in the past . . ." SAMANTHA: Like not getting rid of Sonic when you could. > > > << "But doctor Robotnik! I want to go cruise down Stardust Speedway." >Mecha looked up at Robotnik, while he pled his case. BRET : Your honor, my client... >Robotnik looked down >at him and snarled; his wolf fangs bared a tad. SAMANTHA : Hey Doc, you might wanna brush. Teeth are starting to get a bit yellow there. > "We went through this before, we have gone to the past to go and >get those materials then head home. NASH: ... the bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle... RYAN: Does it always have to be bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle? NASH: Sure, ever hear of a running gag? RYAN: Just don't run it into the ground. BRET: Dammit, Ryan, we're going to end up with one of those *people* in here again... >The fate of Knothole rest on this if >the generators and air pumps fail." SAMANTHA: No, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you just sent Mecha. He doesn't need to breathe, since he's a robot, remember? > "Yeah I know, but I still wanna jam high on the highway." MARK: The highway to *hell*, hopefully. >Lunarus smiled slightly; he was about to comment when suddenly something blue >shot in front of them. STEVE: Along with something new, something old, and something borrowed. >Sonic paused for a moment to smile and greet them. > "Yo! Name's Sonic the Hedgehog, NASH : And I'm here to take a little *survey*.... [The other wrestlers immediately begin throwing stuff at Nash] NASH: Ow! What?! >better warn you natives that >Robuttnik is heading this way with his Mecha-moron Metal Sonic! >Gotta ghost Eep! BRET [suddenly stands, and whips a piece of paper out of his jacket]: AKU! RYO! TAI! SAN! Spirits of nonsensical grammar, I banish you!! MARK: You know that's not going to work. BRET: No, but it's fun. SAMANTHA [thoughtful]: You *really* like Sailor Moon, don't you? STEVE: The boy's signature color is *hot pink*! What do you expect? BRET: Shut up! Sailor Moon is a *fine* show! >The bot's already here!" Sonic tackled Mecha who easily threw >him off. Sonic fell on his tail but quickly recov ered. "Yo Metal Moron! >come and get me!" He bolted. SAMANTHA: This has all the gripping action of that bar fight from Hobgoblins. > "Don't Mecha, this is now part of the time string." NASH: A badly frayed time string. >Robotnik replied. > "Eh? what are you saying doc?" > "I mean if you kill Sonic our time is altered, try not to get >involved in any of the past." MARK: Ah, foreshadowing... clumsy and brick-like. >Mecha nodded and sighed. Before another >word could pass Lunarus' lips, 'Robotnik' shot by on his hovercraft >Cursing at the hedgehog; followed by METAL Sonic. >> > > > > "Wait wait wait, METAL Sonic? MECHA Sonic? what's the difference?" STEVE: You got metal in my Mecha Sonic! BRET: You got mecha in my Metal Sonic! MARK: Boys, boys... they're two great tastes that go great together! >Asked Miles. He slowly shifted so Sally would be more comfortable on his >lap. SAMANTHA Okay... further... further... Stop! Just right! > "Metal sonic is my younger brother." Replied Mecha Sonic with a sad >expression, he fought back the urge to cry. SAMANTHA: Never minding the fact that robots don't cry. NASH: And how the hell could he have a brother? > "I didn't know you build him a brother." Whispered Sonya. > "It was meant never to be discovered. Basically Metal is Mecha's >replacement, STEVE: And a shameless rip-off of Lore from TNG, who was a pretty damn stupid idea to begin with. >however the unit turned out to be very -- strange and failed >quite a bit." SAMANTHA: You ever think of checking the oil every once in a while? > "I love my brother Metal, he's family to me; considering he was >built from the same program as me." RYAN: I can't take much more of this... the inconsistencies... the utter CRAP quality of this... > > ><< "Metal!" Screamed Mecha, he was about to bolt after him when Lunarus >grabbed his hand. BRET : Hey, I need that! > "Enough! you know you can't alter time!" He screeched. > "I don't care! MARK : The laws of physics can bite me! >You know what happens at the end of Stardust >Speedway! You know! I can't let it happen again! not to him!" With that >the metallic hedgehog broke free and ran after him. > "Dammit! your going to get us all erased!" SAMANTHA: And that would be a bad thing because... >Lunarus was about to >chase after him when he noticed the materials he needed. NASH : My God! They still make Pop Rocks? >"I'll catch up >to you Mecha, as soon as I get the goods." >> > > > "So then what happened Lunar?" Knuckles asked. > "Well after that I confronted . . . STEVE : ... Kefka. He tried to deny everything at first, but deep down in the pit of my stomach I *knew* that all of this was his fault. >wait! did you hear that?" RYAN : Do you hear what I hear... >Lunarus' ears perked at a sudden sound of a snapping twig. They all turned >around to see a brown fox dressed in green armor walk out of the woods >with a sad expression, she looked at Antoine w ho strangely knew who it >was. SAMANTHA: You see, Antoine got these nifty new powers after a run-in with the latest plot point. > "Locy, so, the transformation rune did effect you." He croaked out. RYAN: Ah, Antoine must have a frog in his throat. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha... ha ha. You guys don't know a good joke. > "Yes it did Tony." She sat down next to him and kissed him deeply. >"But I still love you dearly," SAMANTHA: At least until the drug wears off. >Antoine blushed; obviously his feelings >were the same. Locy turned to face Sally; they stared at each other for a >moment. MARK & NASH : BITCH! >Sally's grip on Tails tighten, s he moved closer; as if she's >frighten "is this the great Princess Sally I heard so much about?" > "It is," replied Sonya "Princess Sally Acorn, rightful ruler of >Mobius." SAMANTHA: And wimpy female star. STEVE: Saying that implies that there's a female star who's *not* wimpy. > "She seems like a scared puppy," Locy whispered; Sonya's ears >tilted back angrily. BRET : Look, Kefka's writing her! Try to be a little sensitive! > "You'd be too if Sonic had screwed with you for eight years." >Locy's eyes widen. RYAN: Aww man, I didn't need that image in my head, thank ya very much... SAMANTHA: And popped out of her skull. > "Sonic never did tell me much about anything . . . forgive me >Princess Sally." Locy rose up to bow to Sally. Sally still stared at her >until she sat back down. MARK : Those *clothes*... too horrible... > "Shhh its O.K. Sally, we are all friends here." Sally looked up at >Miles then buried her face on his chest; slowly sobbing. RYAN: Your... BO... is so... BAD!! WAAAHHH!!! > "So what happened to you Locy? why are you . . ." > "Well, I guess it is wise to start at the begining --" SAMANTHA: *sigh* Now, how many more tales are we gonna listen to? No pun intended. NASH: Okay, so right now we're in story A, we just got out of story C, and we're getting ready to go back to story B, right? STEVE: Eh. Whatever works. SAMANTHA: This is reminiscent of Pod People for some reason... > > ><< Locy felt like a ton of bricks fell upon her, she groaned slightly and >tried to focus her eyes. It was dark, too dark to see anything, even if >she could focus. "This brings back so many memories . . ." ALL: Thanks for the memories... > came a voice >from the dark. BRET : Locy Hottovy, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!! >Locy almost screame d -- she knew that voice. > "Sonic, where are you." She hissed; SAMANTHA: Oh no! She turned into a snake! >Locy tried to rise up but >something knocked her down. MARK: It was the Man, and his stupid glass ceiling! > "Tut, tut now, you should relax; you've had a busy night -- even >though you were unconscious you were a wonderful lover." Locy glared at >him. > "You didn't . . ." > "Didn't I." NASH: Look, *I* don't know! Did you or not?! > "BASTARD!!" She screeched, SAMANTHA : *You* killed Kenny! >"You will NEVER stop my torment!" STEVE : Well... no, actually. > "Perhaps someday -- doubtful though." Sonic walked over to a chair >and sat down. Slowly Locy rose and searched for her clothing; which piled >nicely on the floor they laid. BRET: This is the *second* time in this series we've run across a callous, brutal, *neat* rapist. It has *got* to mean something! >"Are you prepared for our wedding in a few >days?" > "What?!?!" MARK : But we're not registered yet! > "Ahh yes you don't know do you? Well Princess Sara. You have quite >the past; princess of the Amazons. Let me tell you a tale about a young >fox named Sara who wandered into the forest to pick some flowers -- and >met her worst nightmare." NASH: Rambo? STEVE: That sounds kind of like a Nav fic. >Sonic paused f or a moment. Pushing back his >quills he began. SAMANTHA: His impression of John Agar. BRET: DARK JOHN AGAR?! NOOOOOOOOO!! SAMANTHA: Sorry. >"About 2 years into my -- term of office you might say, >I came across a forest where I found a wonderful light brown Fox prancing >around a village. MARK : Prance, prance, prance... >After a little . . . 'persuasion' a villager told me >that this 'Sara' was Princess of the Amazon warriors of Dragon Forest ... > think of the PRIZE Locy, NASH : Just gimme the prize! >to rape royalty! more so to make her MINES RYAN : Jus' Like Sally, you be mines, biznitch. SAMANTHA: After all, Locy does come in six-packs like her mother does. >to control. It was as if I had just gotten another Sally, it felt like my >birthday." Locy Glared at him again, want ing so much to rip him in two >for all that he's done. STEVE: I know the feeling. >"So as Sara was picking flowers I decided to make >myself known. Knocking her down was easy, and getting myself inside her >was even more fun, however . . . SAMANTHA : She burst apart and there was blood everywhere! BRET: I think that image just scarred me. RYAN: [had already collapsed on the ground, holding his head and whimpering] SAMANTHA: Oh man. The scene got two guys at once. This is *not* a good trend. >it seemed a young and inexperienced me >over did the rape and grabbing and cutting and stabbing. MARK : Ah, I was such a young scamp! SAMANTHA : I just *hate* it when the knife cuts too deeply... >It seemed poor >little Sara was going to die . . ." STEVE: Yeah, but that's the part in the movie where Eric and the cop show up and really start kicking butt, even though Eric's lost most of his powers. >He made a small chuckling noise; NASH: However, it was *not* chuckling. >bringing more chills to Locy, who stood there in the dark gazing into >Sonic's eyes. "However my uncle was nice enough > to give me the secrets of biological transformation -- BRET: ... so now she's a Zoanoid. >thus a little >snip, tuck, add, rip and attach here and there and Vola! Locy Hottovy was >born!" > "Your lying, no one could possibly . . ." SAMANTHA: ... come up with such a horrible plot device. > "I'm a nightmare made real Locy, and soon your going to be dead. RYAN: [climbs back into his seat] Dead. Deader than a doornail. Deader than ELVIS! MARK: And? It's never stopped *me*. >Just like Antoine, Tails, Sonya, Knuckles, and Mecha Sonic. With me >marrying your clone --" > "Clone?" SAMANTHA: ARGH! Kefka was influenced by Marvel! ARGH! STEVE: A damn *Howard Mackie* Marvel story, no less! RYAN: Ah, it ended a while ago. Get over it! STEVE: Ben Riley isn't the kind of thing you just *forget*. > "Ahh yes I forgotten you haven't met my magical clone." Sonic's >hands glowed with a black light; BRET: Yeah, and now I'm gonna silently scream while I stare blindly. >it raced from his hands to the ground, >where a duplicate of Locy appeared. "Locy -- meet yourself." NASH : I dunno, after last night I don't think I really need to. > "I . . . I . . ." SAMANTHA: Wet them? We already knew that. > "Yes well, despite her flawless looks and personality she still >does not compare to the real thing as when it come to sex. MARK: Then just *maybe* her personality isn't so flawless. >You still >scream much better then anyone I've touched; well except Sonya." >> RYAN : See? I just keep poking them and poking them while they yell at me to stop. Poke poke poke poke... STEVE: Locy only has a Master's in screaming while Sonya has a PhD. > > > > Sonya Shivered at the last part. Knuckles gripped her shoulder and >moved her closer to him. "I'm O.K. Knuckles, just annoyed at Sonic's >doing." She looked back at Locy who waited patiently for Sonya to finish. BRET : God, can't you hurry it up with working through your little trauma? >"Please continue Locy . . ." SAMANTHA: No, please don't. We've heard enough already. > "There's not much to tell after that, other then after Antoine and >I defeated the clones and Sonic. The village was burnt to nothing; my >mother survived to place on me a vow for revenge for all Sonic has done. NASH : ... and then we all had ice cream. >I will not break that vow -- not as long as > I am living." MARK: Then let me *fix* that for you. > "But what happened in the shrine Locy?" Asked Antoine; eagerly >awaiting an answer from his lover, wondering slightly if he wanted to hear >it. > "Well . . ." SAMANTHA : I faked it every time I did it with you, loser! > > > <and ready for a >milliseconds reaction to strike out at anything that threaten her. RYAN: But then something leaped up at her in the width of a *nanosecond*, and she was ripped asunder. The end. SAMANTHA: So what's on Raw? >The smell of musk and million year old artifacts filled her nostrils; BRET: Oh, someone was wearing Old Spice. >quite relaxing, but somewhat filled with memories she neve r had. RYAN: Then she wouldn't have remembered them. > Locy walked >into the middle of the room and suddenly stopped, a horrible head ache >struck her dead on; throwing her back into memories she would soon have >preferred to keep away. SAMANTHA: I just hate it when I'm walking along and a headache hits me, making me relive all of my nightmares. Really ruins my day. >** Memories of constant raping and beatings by >his hands. NASH: I bet he was using a *lot* more than just his hands. >Only fi nding peace in the heat of a battle -- to kill is to >show mercy; SAMANTHA : Come again? Want to explain that one again? >so she thought; a teaching from her childhood. ' MARK : Today, class, we're going to learn that to kill is to show mercy, and about the letter 'A'. >They are your >enemies Locy, and your enemies mean you harm. It's either you or them . .. >who will it be Locy?" Crueler words had never spok en to her. STEVE: Well, not since third grade when all the kids would gather around her and chat 'Fatty- fatty-fat-fat.' >Word from >a deranged Sonic, a mad hedgehog drunk SAMANTHA: Then maybe he shouldn't have drank so much. >with power and greed. "Who will it >be Locy? BRET : I choose John Kricfalusi! >When it fully comes down to it? You? or them?"**>> SAMANTHA: Why me, of course. > > > "What do you mean Locy?" Asked Lunarus, he seemed a tad annoyed at >her words; 'words of a betrayer' he felt like saying. > "I mean something was messing with my head in there. NASH: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you... >When it got >down to it all, I discovered memories I never had before -- MARK : It turns out I was Alexander Hamilton in a previous life. >blocked away >by Sonic. Memories of a happy childhood away from other Mobians and . . . STEVE : ... you know what? I'm just making all of this up. I'm sorry. >a lost lover." Antoine looked up at her. SAMANTHA: This sounds amazingly like another one of those self-insertion characters. BRET: I think there's more of *those* in this story than actual characters. > "When it comes down to it -- my old life was much better then it is >now." SAMANTHA: Look, *any* life is better then this one! >She paused for a moment. "But I do not regret meeting any of you, >I've found a family I never knew about and will keep you as long as >inhumanely possible." NASH: So she's going to keep them all shackled to the wall in a small closet. > >They all smiled SAMANTHA: The prozac was finally kicking in. > > > > > >Chapter 3 MARK: Return of the Jedi. STEVE: No, chapter three is going to be one of the prequels. 'Jedi' is actually Chapter 6. MARK: Whatever. > > > "Quite frankly it's strange that all these Runes are somewhat >related to MY blade." Sonya spoke thoughtfully. BRET: No, it's just a crappy plot contrivance that probably won't work. RYAN: But no sir, that won't stop Kefka! >Her Father looked up and >shook his head, his paw scratched the back of his furry neck, then he let >out a long sigh. SAMANTHA : God, these fleas are killing me! > "You mean OUR blade Sonya, the Magical blade of Mobius belongs to >the Robotnik family, and we both are from it." NASH : Oh, it's *our* blade now? When it messed on the carpet last night it was suddenly *my* blade. > "No, it belongs to ME, I don't count myself as part of your family. STEVE : I've joined the House of Windsor. >You abandoned me so long ago, why should I even bother to do anything for >you? This includes bearing your name." SAMANTHA: Even though it was all explained that she's a self-insertion character from Earth. It makes no sense really. > "You don't know the story to your abandonment," > "I WANT to know, but you haven't told me." RYAN : I haven't told you because I wrote a deal to make a 'Made for TV' movie. So go watch that and leave me alone. > "You really don't want to know. . . MARK : Tom DeFalco wrote it. It really sucks. >I can assure you that." > "God Dammit it father, don't tell me what I do and don't want, BRET : I'm in love with Matthew, I'm going to marry him, and that's that! >Now tell me!" NASH : First you have to say the magic word. > "I cannot around them." > "They are my family, and they too can hear it . . ." Robotnik's >eyes darken for a moment. SAMANTHA: Looks like his IQ dropped another few points. RYAN: He has an IQ? > "Very well, but let it be known I didn't try and warn you. . ." SAMANTHA: So he wasn't warning her... STEVE: I think double negatives are the least of our grammar flame worries here. > > > > << Julian: loved by all; the first human in the royal order of the >Acorn Family; such a high honor! MARK: Please. Everyone has one of those. BRET: I've got two. >It was not surprising when he got >promoted to handle all war situations. His wife knew he deserved it; he >deserved all the peoples love and cheer. NASH: The people should be damn *thankful* to bow before him. >"Oh Julian!" Sondra cried out; SAMANTHA: God, we jumped into a sex scene already! >the pink hedgehog ran up to her human husband and embraced him tightly. SAMANTHA: ACK! BRET: Urge... to rant... overwhelming... STEVE: So biology isn't a major subject in Kefka's world, is it? >"I knew you'd get this promotion my love! I knew it all along!" > "At least one of us did!" He chuckled happily. "Tell me something >my love, am I getting a tad over weight?" Sondra looked at her well-toned >husband and smiled. SAMANTHA: No, it's perfectly normal to gain thirty pounds from downing all of those twinkies. > "No, where did you get that idea?" He shrugged. MARK : I think it was when the guys wouldn't let me on the elevator. >"You were always >worried about fitness my darling. I've prepared dinner honey, care to >eat?" SAMANTHA: Darling, honey, darling, honey... If this goes on any longer, I'm gonna get a severe case of sugar poisoning. RYAN: [spoons a scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream into his mouth] BRET: Where'd you get that?! RYAN: Hey! If Kefka can use plot contrivances, then so can I! I was hungry. > "What did you make?" NASH : Well, business was slow today, but I managed to turn a *few* tricks. > "The usual, Chili-dogs and my sister dropped by and brought us some >Oriental food." RYAN: Mmm, MSG goodness... SAMANTHA: So they had chili dogs back then? BRET: I hope they had *antacid* back then. > "Ahh I see, but, can dinner possibly wait?" > "Of course, what's on your mind?" > "You . . ." Sondra smiled; as he approached her, slowly he took her >in his arms and began to undo her dress. SAMANTHA: *happy sigh* If this scene wasn't using those characters, this would almost be... romantic... STEVE: A sex scene that's neither violent *or* horrible? That other person must be writing this. RYAN: But... it's a human and a hedgehog... oh god... >She welcomed him and began to >remove his clothing; before long they both wore nothing but their birthday >suits. . . > >Let the Birthday party begin! MARK: Ha ha! Oh, that Kefka wit! BRET [slightly green]: This is enough to make a guy want to take a vow of celibacy. RYAN: I'm already in forced celibacy so I've got nothing to vow. > >** two weeks later ** SAMANTHA: Wow! They had sex *that* long? What stamina! > > Julian was sitting on his favorite chair, after a long day all he >wanted to do was rest. He picked up the Mobian Press and read over the >sports section, "hmmm Mobotropolis Super Sonics won again . . . nothing >like defeating those nasty little 'Howlers' from the Southern Continent." NASH: So story 'D' is a sitcom? STEVE: The Adventures of Julian and Sondra... in color! >He smiled slightly. Just then his wife Sondra entered rather groggily, he >rose from his chair and walked to her. "Darling? Are you O.K.?" He picked >her up and placed her on the very chair he was sitting on. MARK : All the kids at school ever talk about is *Marsha*! Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! > "I went to the doctor today Julian, I found out why I've been >throwing up all these times." SAMANTHA: She was eating C-ko's cooking again. > "Was it food poisoning as I suspected?" He asked; she laughed and >shook her head. > "No my love, we are blessed, blessed with the miracle of birth, I'm >going to have a baby." RYAN: (sigh) I remember the good ol' days when the only thing said was "I'm pregnant!" The miracle of birth? That sounds like a documentary! >Julian took a header onto the floor, SAMANTHA: And died. The end. BRET: Great. Any minute now Sondra's wacky mother-in-law is gonna show up. >when he awoke >he whooped for joy as he never had before. NASH: Yes, even Ivo Robotnik likes Stone Cold. > > > >** about 8 months and 2 weeks later ** SAMANTHA: You kinda figure that Robutnick would run out of air hollering for joy after all that time. > > > > "You would think she would have picked a better time to go into >labor!" He chuckled as he raced from the War room to the hospital where >his wife was. STEVE: Well, I'm sure Sondra's so FLIPPIN' SORRY for INCONVENIENCING you with her EXCRUCIATING LABOR PAINS!! >"Thank goodness King Acorn understood my leave. I'd hate to >have to choose between my liege or my wife; > I'd be out of a job!" SAMANTHA: Aww... how romantic... BRET [notices Samantha looking at him]: What? SAMANTHA : Um... nothing. RYAN: [raises an eyebrow, then shrugs] >Julian jumped over a few carts and Mobians who >looked on amazed. MARK: Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's *BLIMP-MAN*! >He had reached the Hospital just in time to get prepped >and ready to see his wife screaming out for him. SAMANTHA : YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! > "Julian!" She shrieked, "Julian when I get my hands on you I'll >never let you get my hands on me again!" She gripped his hand hard and >squeezed. RYAN: No! The neck is a few feet up! NASH: She smiled grimly as his bones began to break. SAMANTHA: Wow! Talk about being close! BRET: Well, the rest of this scene is completely cliched, so why stop here? > "My love are you just saying that because of the pain?!" He asked >seriously. STEVE : No. I hate you, and I just married you for your money. > "YES!" Her grip tighten again; he started to feel his fingers go >numb. SAMANTHA: *CRUNCH* MARK: Hey doc, you had better get those fingers looked at. > "We are ready to Julian Sir." Said the Rabbit doctor, he handed >Julian a wet cloth to clean Sandra's forehead off. > "You sound as if I give the word for all this -- isn't my call >doc." Julian smiled. "It's the kids!" NASH: And it would've worked, too, if it wasn't for those darn kids! > "She's contracting, give me a heart beat reading! Monitor her heart >rate!" The rabbit looked at Julian's concerned face. "For her safety >m'lord Julian." > > >** Moments of back breaking labor ** SAMANTHA: At least we didn't see that part. BRET: Try *hours*, Kefka. > > "Push Sandra! Push!" Screamed the doctor, Sandra who replied with >shrieks of her own. STEVE : What? I couldn't quite make that out... >Julian held her hand tightly now, completely worried >about the strange silence of the child. There came a slap of a hand on a >tail then a howl from the baby. MARK: It's Wolf! ALL: WOLF-A-RINE! WOLF-A-RINE! >The doc tor smiled happily, "Its a baby >boy . . . a Hedgehog." NASH: Uh-oh. Looks like Sondra's been gettin' a little somethin'-somethin' on the side. >He was about to show it to Sondra when she gave out >another cry the suddenly went limp. SAMANTHA: I think this is defying a lot of rules of nature, but I'm not sure where... BRET: Well, you could start with the parts about them being completely incompatible species... > "Sondra!" Screamed Julian over the cries of the baby and the called >out commands of the doctor. "Sondra! SONDRA!" STEVE : Stay alive! Whatever may occur, I will find you! >They removed Julian from the >room when they had to perform an operation on her; something was stopping >her life. . . something too large for her body. SAMANTHA: *BOOM* MARK : Eww! Would someone get a mop? > > > * * * > > The doctor came out of the room his eyes inverted downward; RYAN: What? A second eyelid? > as >Julian came running to him. "How is she doctor?! how is she?!" NASH : Gee, I wonder if she's dead. I shall await the doctor's answer breathlessly. > "I. . . I'm so sorry Julian. We did all we could, she passed >quickly if that is any consolation." RYAN : Consolation... sure... [pause] RAAAGGHHH!! DIE!! BRET : Here, take a copy of the 'We're Sorry Your Wife Died' home game. >Julian didn't say a thing for many >moments, his heart broken into shards that will never be re-attached >again. SAMANTHA: No way! Just give me a few hours, some glue, and I'll have it back to you back in one piece. > "What caused her death. . ." he whispered in a harsh tone. NASH : Y'know, stuff. > " . . . there was another child inside her. A HUMAN baby girl, >she was to much for Sondra to handle. MARK : The complete implausibility of the situation was just *too much* for her. >The baby is alive as well as your >son." Julian slowly started to walk away. "M'lord. . ." SAMANTHA: Oh, so this is the reason why Robotnik rapes and beats Sonya continously... ARGH!!! I can't believe this! What a load of crap! ARGH!!! [Gets up and starts beating on the theater screen.] BRET: Don't! You know that won't work! And you'll hurt yourself! SAMANTHA: That jerk! That *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP*! How dare he use her as some sort of excuse for venting! [she struggles in Bret's arms for a few seconds before giving up and softly weeping] It's not fair... BRET: It's okay... we're halfway through this. You can survive it. [picks her up and places her back in her seat] SAMANTHA: Thank you... [wipes away a tear] STEVE: It's nice that at least one of us hasn't been totally desensitized by this thing yet. Me, I think I lost my soul back in part four. > > > >** Eight Weeks later ** NASH : Man, I hate it when summer vacation's over! > > "You are one of my kind little Sonya, but how can I face the fact >you have murdered my wife. MARK: And in Louisiana, Sonya could be tried as an adult for it. >How can I call you my daughter when you have >destroyed the greatest thing to me? it is impossible, That is why I'm >placing you on a little journey . . . my lif e is gone . . . there is >nothing left of me but a cold shell. BRET : ...stuffed with veal and spices. >Your big brother is going with Uncle >Chuck. They will ask me what I have done with you, but I need not worry if >I say you died in the plague that is beginning to sweep the land. STEVE: Gah! The dreaded Plot Contrivance Plague! >If they >ask f or your body I will simple say I have buried you already. . . my >precious daughter, I hope to never see you again." >> SAMANTHA: [has stopped crying but her eyes are red and puffy] Okay, so what did you do with her? Send her to another dimension? RYAN: [taps his fingers together] So... he basically blames his child for killing her mother when it wasn't even her fault... oh yeah, I'm sure he'll get father of the year... MARK: And I suppose the incest would've just penalized him a few points? > > > > > Sonya had spoken nothing after Robotnik finished his tale. Tears >formed in her eyes, he was right; she didn't want to know this. "With your >mother gone, there was nothing left for me. I threw you into an >Inter-dimensional portal and placed you upon eart h [Silence reigns in the theater] SAMANTHA: I can't believe that I was so dead-on right. NASH: Man! What did Kefka do, just go out and read a bunch of other stories and put their parts together to make this one? MARK: Yes, friend. It's called a cliche. >but reversed you back >into the age of being nothing more the a fetus. RYAN: NOOOO!!! HE PULLED A SAILOR MOON!! YOU BASTARD!! BRET : Well, isn't that *conveeeeeenient*? >Your Earth mother gave >birth to you, and you lived a happy life with your own kind." STEVE: Once Sonya reached maturity, she was briefly tranquilized so researchers could attach a tracking tag to her left ear. > "I. . . I . . . I need to take a walk. I need to take a walk now, >to calm myself." Sonya rose up and slowly walked into the forest sobbing. SAMANTHA: So much for calming herself. > > > > >Chapter 4 NASH: Citizens on Patrol! > > > > > "I should go after her." Whispered Knuckles to Tails, who noticed >Sally began to shake again. He slowly wrapped one of his tails around her >body; MARK : Can't... breathe... >she smiles and cuddled near it; becoming content again. SAMANTHA: Damn, Sally is easy to please now! > "No, not now, she needs time to be alone Knuckles. Why don't you >tell us a little about what had happened all those years you were gone... BRET : Oh, you know, the usual... booze, women, selling replacement hips... need I say more? >like what happened when >the world collapsed for the third time." SAMANTHA: I believe the proper term is 'gone to hell in a handbasket'. STEVE: The God-damned world has collapsed again! Could *somebody* bring me some decent nails? > "Yeah, Yeah I can tell you about a little of what I remember." SAMANTHA: You know... stuff. > > > <Chaos, Madness, and total confusion. BRET: INSANE!! >Strange waves of magical energy struck Mountains; transforming >them into nothing in a matter of seconds. Knuckles remember Sonya scream >as they separated in the heat of all this. NASH: The *Harlem* heat of all this? MARK: Yes... yes... yes... no... no... no... >"Sonya!" Knuckles cried, as >he desperately tried to reach her in time. > >But it was already to late SAMANTHA: We know that! God, this is just repeating all the flashbacks from Chapters 1 to 4! RYAN: But I thought dread-boy ran off... great, now Kefka's not paying attention to his own storyline... BRET: Like we didn't know that before. > > Knuckles found himself on a beach, alone and drenched to the bone. STEVE: So Knuckles became Hydro-Man? >He coughed up sea water the moment he realized he needed to breath. SAMANTHA: Which was about four or five hours later. >So much horrible pain, BRET: As opposed to that pleasant, soothing kind of pain. NASH : Actually, there *is* a good kind... >so much he tried to remember, but failed. He heard >footsteps near by, but he didn't bother t o turn around; even if he wanted >to he couldn't. Knuckles groaned loudly and let himself slip into what he >hoped would be death. SAMANTHA: It's worse than that. He slipped into this fanfic. > > > * * * > > > He woke up after a day's sleep, Knuckles was alive, and being >cared for by someone. MARK: It must be a bear. STEVE: Why do you say that? MARK: Well, nobody cares like a bear. >"Why did you save me?" He asked to the shadowed >figure, "Why are you prolonging my pain?" SAMANTHA
: Because I'm supposed to be a cheap rip off of that engineering guy from Final Fantasy 3. > "You know you are far more then what you believe you are Guardian >of the Island that once floated. BRET : You are my son, and the one true King. RYAN: [singing and clapping his hands] The circle... the circle of life... >Do not let your pain and despair cloud >your task at hand." The Shadows whispered. "We are the Shadows of Mobius. RYAN: What lurks in the hearts of echidnas and bad authors? SAMANTHA : The Shadows know... >A group that has prepared for a downfall > such as this; for over nine hundred years. NASH : We were going to take up stamp collecting, but this seemed like more fun. >As the prophesy spoke: 'a >hero to guard the sky, a fallen angel to wash onto the shore. Shall be the >hero to fight and bring us to victory over the demon.' STEVE: Look, Jason Blood hasn't got anything to do with this. >you are that chosen >one Knuckles Echidna." A strange l ooking creature in a cloak came out of >the shadows. Knuckles tried to view his face but it was impossible. SAMANTHA: Oh probably because they're all shadowy figures, you idiot. > "I think you got the wrong echidna pal. First of all, I'm only a >Guardian and will be nothing other then that! MARK : I'm not going to update my resume, and you can't make me! >now that my island is gone >and my love, then so is my life." SAMANTHA: So he's dead now. BRET: No such luck. SAMANTHA: Damn. > "Do not be foolish echidna! Training shall show you how wrong you >are. When you realize that there is something to live for." > "Which is?" NASH: Sex! With Tia Carrere! In the Oval Office! SAMANTHA: A way out of this fanfic. > "Revenge . . ." > "On?" STEVE: UPN, I think. > "Sonic The Hedgehog: the third and FINAL dictator of Mobius." > "Are you telling me that he's the one who sent those powerful rays >to toast my island?!" SAMANTHA: Which is now a nice toasty brown. > "Yes, proof is over in the direction of Robotropolis. No longer >does it hold the dark power of technology but the power of demons. MARK: Ah, Turner instead of Microsoft. BRET: Hey! MARK: I calls 'em as I sees 'em. >Come, come now Knuckles, NASH: No, that's later on in the story. >tell me you do not see the Evil in Sonic since before." > "I thought something was wrong with him, STEVE : ... but I just figured that the killing and raping was a phase. >but I had never expected >something like that." RYAN: Oh sure, you always expect the guy who saves your life is evil. SAMANTHA: See what happens when you drink too much coffee? All that caffeine makes you make rash decisions. > "Many have died young one, many have lost their lives meaningless >in a war that is just beginning. We can help you stake revenge, we are a >last of a dying breed; BRET : We're white rhinoceroses. >a breed of ninja that has studies in the arts of >ninjitsu and from the master Echidna Inosa nto." SAMANTHA: They are also a ripoff of the people that trained Shadow in Final Fantasy 3. > "My powers can help me through what I'm going through, I can defeat >Sonic with my fists." RYAN : Megaton Punch! MARK : I'll punch out his stupid old continent destroying ray gun! >The echidna held up his raw hands; NASH: And Raw *is* War... >nearly screaming >at all the blood and pure pain he felt with a single movement. SAMANTHA: Ewww!!! Someone get him a band aid. > "As I said, Sonic is different now, he has been taken over by an >emerald of black. STEVE: So all Knuckles needs to do is get a ruby of white. >It is wise to know what you are dealing with. Train >with us Knuckles Echidna." SAMANTHA : Study the force you will. Beat Darth Vader you can. >With that Knuckles nodded and Training began. > "For Sonya and my island I will avenge." >> BRET: I am vengeance! I am the night! I am KNUCKLES! > > > "I can finish no more Miles, I SAMANTHA : ... just can't eat anymore. I'm stuffed! >must go after Sonya, I'm too >worried." Knuckles rose up and walked into the general direction she did. > "This is not exactly turning out how I hoped." Whispered Miles; he >let out a long sigh. MARK : And I thought delving into everyone's painful pasts would be so much *fun*! > "Nothing turns out how ya's want it." Replied Mecha Sonic, finally >speaking after such a long period of silence, half had forgotten he was >there. "Just like my trip with the doc to the Little Planet . . ." NASH: Look, Kefka didn't even care enough to give you your own chapter of this thing, so why should *we*? > > > > <Hedgehog. RYAN: Seize the day, Mecha! Seize the day! >Palmtree Panic's terrain had become bruised from past battles >and influence from the future -- STEVE: So time travelling gives the landscape a black eye. >not to easy to catch up with things that >can move faster than the speed of ligh t. "Metal!" He screamed. His twin >brother slowed down to allow Mecha to catch up. > "Brother ! BRET : Can you spare a dime? >What'cha doing here?" Asked Metal. > "I . . . ER SAMANTHA: ... is getting too screwed up for me to watch anymore. >I missed you brother." Mecha hugged Metal who made no >movement to hug back. MARK: Metal has issues with healthy expression of emotion. > "Bro," Metal's arms shot out and hugged his brother tightly. NASH: BOOST KNUCKLE! RYAN: CLANG! SAMANTHA : You're denting the metal plating, man. >"Can we talk later? I gotta go stop Sonic! See ya back at Robotropolis!" He >blasted off; STEVE: Oh, ew! Can't you go find a bathroom or something? >his brother tried not to cry as he saw his proud brother >chase after the happy, good hearted Hedgehog. > "I can't lose you again Metal, I just cant." SAMANTHA : Mom is gonna kill me if I do! >He made chase all the >way through each sector of PalmTree Panic, Collision Chaos, Tidal Tempest, >Quartz Quadrant, Wacky Workbench, and finally to the place of horror those >many years ago -- StarDust Speedway. BRET: GolDust Speedway... now that would horrible. MARK: Oh, like the born-again Christian act is any better. SAMANTHA: Hopefuly they've cleaned up since the last time they raced there. > The challenge set: Sonic vs. Metal Sonic; NASH: ... IN A STEEL CAGE!! >a race for the child Amy SAMANTHA: How did Sailor Mercury get so young? >Rose. Mecha remember this race, the horrible information that his brother >was. . . STEVE: ... actually his *sister*. >Metal Sonic would not come back to Robotropolis, only in pieces and SAMANTHA: Recycled. >once re-created will never be the > same again. > "Are you ready Sonic?" NASH: Break it down! [Everyone except Samantha and Bret begins doing the D-X theme] >Metal Sonic asked in his typical cold harsh >tone. "This is for all, in some ways I think I'll miss you." BRET: Well, then you should aim a bit more carefully. > "Feelings are NOT the same Tin Can! lets race ace!" They both took >off. SAMANTHA: Flying... > "METAL!" Screamed Mecha as he followed his brother down the path. >"Stealth mode on!" he vanished out of site from Robotnik and Sonic he >moved close to his brother. MARK : Ah... pay no attention to the dust cloud or the noise! I'm not here! >"Metal its me Mecha. I'm in stealth mode, >listen, please stop this race! I beg you, don 't finish it." SAMANTHA : They've lubed the finish line with oil! > "Mecha I must! there's' no turning back now!" > "There IS time to turn back! please! I don't want to see it happen >again!" he cried out. STEVE: Yeah, 'It' was hard enough to watch the first time. > "Brother, listen to me, I will be O.K. I swear to you!" he blasted >off, screaming Mecha's name as a victory cry. NASH: Man! Don't you just hate when you scream the wrong name as your victory cry? And chicks always whine about that kind of thing, too. > > >A Victory that never was . . . SAMANTHA: Yeah, yeah yeah... Boo hoo. I'm crying a river here. > > > "Oh, Metal." whispered Mecha as he gazed down at his brothers >wrecked body. "I warned you," he sobbed BRET : Told you so! Told you so! >"I warned you, why didn't you >listen to me." a spark of life was still inside the crushed Robot. SAMANTHA: It kept going and going and going... > "Please do no..t cry Brother. . . it is an h...honor to die >like..this.." Metal whispered. MARK: In a futile attempt to destroy a good person? Why, I'd be honored, too! >"Brother, I love you dearly. P...please >...take....this.... something... I found long ago. . ." Metal weakly >removed a strange shining rock; it's shape was that o f a metallic quill. >"G-o-o-d---b-y-e---- My . . .brother. . ." >> SAMANTHA: Someone needs to teach these guys how to Shatner talk *really* bad! > > > > No one said anything as Mecha rose from his seat and walked into >the forest, the instant Sonya and Knuckles returned. "What was the rock >Metal gave Mecha?" asked Tails. STEVE : Kinda cheap. Only 14 karats. > "It was a rune, the rune of speed." he sighed. "He changed after >Metal was destroyed, he became heartless, without reason to live. SAMANTHA: He already *was* heartless. He's a *robot* for crying out loud! >Since then he just slid into darkness, just like he never wanted his brother >to do." NASH: Man, a slide into some darkness would feel really *good* right now. > "He spoke of something about Metal Sonic being Rebuilt?" > "He was, but SAMANTHA: ... it was as a Volvo. >Metal had become just like his name, Metal; Machine; BRET: Completely unlike *Mecha*... >unfeeling. Mecha never accepted the new Metal, it wasn't his brother and >knew very well." Robotnik sighed. "the rune had given Mecha many things. >Emotions, special powers, and most of a ll hatred for Sonic." MARK: MECHA HAD EMOTIONS ANYWAY!! > > > > >Chapter 5 ALL : This is the fanfic that never ends... it just goes on and on, my friend... > > > They said nothing for a while, until Mecha returned, his eyes >averted downward. Sonya edged closer to Knuckles and softly began to >speak. "I miss my world." They looked up at her curiously. "I use to >tell Sonic about how I came to be here . . . it alw ays amused him." SAMANTHA Astro-glide? That's how you got here? > > > >< "Up in the morning and out to school! >The teacher is teaching the golden rule! STEVE: THE HELL?! NASH : If this is another trivia scene... SAMANTHA: That's it... I'm going to sleep. [konks out] >American history, practical math! >I'm studying hard, hoping to pass. RYAN : And if you don't pass, you have to answer to the tossed salad man! OTHERS: EWWW!! >I'm working my fingers right down to the bone. >The guy behind me won't leave me alone. BRET: This is a song from 'The Simpsons Sing the Blues!' Kefka really did rip all those riddles last chapter off from a Simpsons episode! MARK: How can a fic so bad come from a show so good? STEVE: You're not the first person to ask that. >Ring ring goes the bell! >the cook in the lunch room is ready to sell! NASH : Strut! Pout! Put it out! >I'm lucky if I can find a seat! >I'm fortunate if I have time to eat! >back in the class room open my books! >the teacher don't know how mean she looks! BRET : Actually, I do... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! >As soon as three o'clock rolls around! >I finally lay my burden down! >Close up my books get outta my seat! >Down the hall and into the street! >up to the corner, round the ben! RYAN: Big Ben? How'd they get to England? >Right to the jute joint I go in! STEVE: *Jute*?! MARK: According to Webster's, the glossy fiber of either of two East Indian plants of the linden family used chiefly for sacking, burlap, and twine, or a member of a Germanic people invading England from the Continent and settling in Kent in the 5th century AD. NASH: Well, nothing relaxed me more as a kid than a trip to the local sack-making shop. >Drop the coin right into the slot >I gotta hear something that's really hot! BRET: Aren't you a little bit young for 900 numbers? >With the one I love I'm making romance >All day long I've been wanting to dance! >I'm feeling the music from head to toe! STEVE : I *feel* the music, man! I *FEEL* the music! >round and round and round I go!" MARK: JANE! Get me off this crazy thing! > Typical day of school for one named Elizabeth Ramirez. She sang >and danced and goofed off as any normal teenager does. However today was >not a good day to do so. NASH: For today, young Elizabeth Ramirez was going to visit a dimension not of sight or sound, but of crap. She was going... to the Kefka Zone. >Nor was it a good day to take her walk man to >school. > >teachers despised kids having good times. RYAN: Right, right... and I believe that as much as I believe you have a life, Kefka. STEVE : My teachers were all against me, everyone was. They had everything while I had nothing. Quote the Raven, nevermore. > > "Elizabeth, Elizabeth will you please answer this question. If six >is the square root of thirty six then please explain why you said 'as soon >as three o'clock rolls around'?" RYAN: Because I'm riding your ass and giving you a hard time. Happy? SAMANTHA: *YAWN* Is the song over? MARK: Yes. SAMANTHA: Ah, good. > Math class, period one, despised by her. BRET: And we should care why? >She looked up and tried >to conceal her head phones. "Err, I dunno I just thought it was the answer >Ms. Rivara." > "How could anyone is their right mind think that that was the >correct answer?!" SAMANTHA: Well this *is* Sonya we're talking about. > "I don't got a right mind Ms." everyone is the class room chuckled. NASH : Ha ha! We're going to stone you later! > "That's it! Report to the principal NOW!" STEVE: If one blue nosed Sailor Mercury is there, I *swear* I'll harm you, Kefka. > "What did I do!?" > "Your headphone wire is sticking out of your sweater." > "Whoops . . ." SAMANTHA: The wrong thing to hear during a heart bypass surgery. > > > > * * * > > Her mom wasn't THAT mad. In fact, she had lucked out seriously. >With her mom getting ready to leave for the weekend trip, MARK : If she had *any* idea where I was *really* going... >Elizabeth had >plenty of time to talk to her pals on the net and hey maybe check even a >few adult pages. She was at THAT age, NASH: Ah, that special time in a young girl's life when her soul is stirred by the thought of hardcore porn. SAMANTHA: Did we *really* need to know that? >and she found it quite strange, BRET: That she enjoyed the works of Robert Tsunai... RYAN: Gerk... [wraps his arms around his stomach] Don't... EVER say that name again or you WILL regret it. >especially when in her youth she would find even kissing repulsive. She >was the typical teenage Latino girl, five foot eight, brown eyes, black >hair, and not bulky but not thin. RYAN: There's a typical? SAMANTHA : I'm just big boned! >She was a tomboy, but accepted it and >wouldn't change for any man in the world. STEVE: What about any woman? >"Mom, It's not my fault I rather >be on CompuServe or America On-line then be in class! I mean its totally >boring! I can't sneak in my Sonic comics cause they might get taken away >by the demon spawn!" MARK: No, Al Simmons is into Ghost Rider. SAMANTHA: Yeah! Who needs all that essential education for building a life? Just give me comics! > "The kids?" asked Liz's mother. > "No the teacher," She giggled and walked to her room. Opening the >door reviled the stereotypical hackers/punks domain. NASH: Hey! I revile it too! >messy, strange >smells and the black lights RYAN: Hey! Learn about what you talk about, dumbass! You're giving hackers a bad name! Well, the good ones I mean... SAMANTHA: Damn it! The conspiracy got to the helicopters and buses, and now the lights! >and always on PC. "Gee wont it be a shame I >can't go with my mom . . . BRET : And that accident she's going to have will be *such* a pity... BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! >boo-hoo, no boring family reunion." SAMANTHA : Families suck! >she smiled >slightly wickedly. "At least I'll have a nice quiet weekend." STEVE: My, what masterful foreshadowing. > > > * * * > > With a bon voyage, her mom left for the weekend. Elizabeth >quickly began her quest to freedom and happiness by drinking tons of soda SAMANTHA: Jolt! The official drink of computer geeks everywhere! MARK: Uplift my soul, sugar and caffeine! >watching the adult channel and checking out many gory flicks. NASH: Oh, Elizabeth, you lovable scamp! >She then >stayed on-line with her friends till about 2 am in the morning, chatting, >laughing and doing what they do best -- SAMANTHA: Wasting time. >Role playing. RYAN : Oh yeah, baby. I've been a bad queen. Spank me hard... BRET: Well, now we know who was behind that crappy E-fed post... > > When three in the morning strolled by, Elizabeth decided to go to >sleep. SAMANTHA: How could she after drinking all that jolt? >She pushed all the crap off her bed and fell into it like a ton of bricks. NASH: Feces diving! It's EXTREEEEEEME! >"One of my best days; with the exception of the school thing. I >got to stay up really late, eat whatever > I want, then stay on as long as I wanted. Life can't get any better." MARK: I pity you, friend Elizabeth. > ** couldn't it? ** spoke a voice suddenly. Elizabeth screamed and >leaped up, she grabbed her baseball bat. STEVE: Great, *everyone's* ripping me off now. BRET: Oh, like *you've* got a right to complain. SAMANTHA: Elizabeth's turned into Babe Ruth! > "Who are you?! where are you?! I swear I'll knock your fool head >off if you don't get the fu*k outta here!'" NASH : Ah PITY the foo who don' get outta mah room! SAMANTHA: Tsk. Tsk. Such language. > ** Do not be so trivial young one. I am a friend; from a world you >love so. You are of pure heart child; SAMANTHA: This voice sure has a funny idea of pure, considering how Elizabeth swears and watches pornos. RYAN: Yeah, as it is, I'm more pure than her! MARK: Well, she swears and watches porn in a pure way. >one's soul does not radiate as >strongly as yours so often. STEVE : Souls like that are usually encased in lead for the protection of others. >You child, needed in a world that is a part >of this world. ** ALL: (singing) A whole new world... > "I don't know what your talking about psycho, how do I know your >not some god damned Los Angeles rapist? or some ass who got himself >pickled to go and pull a job eh?!" BRET: See? Rapist, drugs, Los Angeles? *Not* Calgary, mind you... MARK: Shut up. > ** Wouldn't I; if I was a rapist have already attacked you? and if I >was pulling a, as you call it 'job' wouldn't I have surprised you? ** > "Well maybe your just totally stupid." SAMANTHA: Like you're one to talk, Elizabeth. > ** Hardly, listen to me Elizabeth; you have always felt that you did >not belong here. You've felt that something was wrong, and by god you >have even prayed for someone to come and take you away from this world. RYAN: Look! Calgon's here! NASH: It's lonely fangirl fantasy time! >The gods have answered your pleases," from > the darkness came a strong aqua glow, with that a portal appeared. RYAN: And out from the portal came a chanting, saying "I'm a Barbie Girl... in a Barbie World..." SAMANTHA: Suddenly Quinn and his friends appeared on yet *another* alternate Earth. >Liz backed away, feeling herself being drawn to it by a strong wind. STEVE: Just as I am repelled by a strong magnetic force. >** Enter, and finally live in the world whence you came. ** > "Even it this were true! I cannot leave my mother here alone!" she >hissed. SAMANTHA: Yikes! Now *she's* turned into a snake! BRET: That happens to *everyone* who goes to Mobius. > ** Already Dealt with, Elizabeth. ** a shadowed figure appeared from >the portal, as it came closer she gave off a loud gasp. MARK : SKELETOR?! NOOOOOOO!! >** Elizabeth, I >would like you to meet yourself. ** NASH: Nah, she already did that when she was watchin' the porn. RYAN: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... >a copy of Liz stood before her. > "Hello Elizabeth," the clone smiled "I'm you! strange isn't it? STEVE : Well, more like *stupid*, but... >you need not have to worry about your mom and family anymore. I'll take care >of them! I promise!" the clone pushed Liz to the portal. SAMANTHA: ... as she took out a gun and began to polish it. "*Really* take care of them," she said. > ** Now child, will you consider my offer? will you save the world >that will save your own? ** BRET: Look, the story's suddenly become the Rayearth OAV! It's Lexus talking to Hikaru! MARK: I'm afraid not, Bret. BRET [depressed]: I know. > " . . . This better not be some sort of crappy trick. What do I need to >do?" she grabbed her backpack and walks closer. > ** Step into the portal Sonya. ** SAMANTHA: This is like all of those dumb horror movies where the idiot goes into the part of the house where the monster is. > "Sonya?" > ** You shall see. ** Liz looked back at her house and smiled. > > >She leapped into the portal NASH: She dived into the fruit-juicy flavor! > > > * * * SAMANTHA: Three stars? Really... > > > > Awaking I found myself alone, in a quiet little section of forest >. . . Forest? there's no forest in Los Angeles! I leap to my feet and >screamed! STEVE: And now, 'My Summer Camping Trip', by Kefka the Dark One. >I was Naked!(except for my backpack) had I been raped?! SAMANTHA: No, some insane crook came along and stole everything from you except for your backpack. >Everything was so blank! all, all I remembered was a voice and . . . and >myself. . . this is scary. MARK: Well, now you know how *we* feel. > Since I didn't have any clothing I had to run around in the >bushes. I considered running to that really bombed looking city but, from >the way it looks I decided not to. SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! Kefka has also declared himself protector of the endangered tense change! >This, this forest looks so wonderful, >and so awfully familiar! It didn't take me l ong to find someone BRET : Mr. Levy! How are you and your friend... er, date... um... hi, Saturn. >actually, I heard someone scream. The voice was also familiar; I ran >quickly to the howl of pain and found its source. > > > >I'd have whizzed in my underwear if I was wearing any. SAMANTHA: So instead she just whizzed standing up... Okay, that was far too gross for me... NASH: No, that wasn't bad at all! SAMANTHA: Yuck. Now I *really* feel dirty. > > > Right in front of me was Tails! My god! MILES 'TAILS' PROWERS! The >two tailed fox from my favorite Video game! ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! STEVE: It's time for fourth-wall-breaking agony! >But with him was a hover >craft! or what's supposed to be one! It had him in a net. MARK: With Sandra Bullock? >He was >screaming out for someone to help him as it started to take off. RYAN: Just take off, right? Nothing having to do with clothes, RIGHT?! > > >I must have been outta my mind SAMANTHA: And what makes you think you're back in it? > > > Without thinking I lunged at the net, trying to tear it open to >free the fox. BRET: Elizabeth smash! >Instead, the sudden weight shift was to much for the hover >unit, it jerked hard and hit some trees that loosen the grips on the net, >it came down crashing. The fox managed to get out of it right before I >took a header onto the ground. RYAN : Plot Contrivance Power! SAMANTHA: > > > > * * * > > > > I slowly started to come too after I started hearing voices. >Familiar voices. one asked NASH : ... are you ready to do the deed, Elizabeth? ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DEED?! >"are you sure this human saved you Tails?" SAMANTHA : No, she ran around screaming her head off. Of course she saved me! > "Yes Sonic," Sonic? did I hear that right? STEVE: Could that possibly be Jaleel White's normal speaking voice? >"She saved me and got >herself wounded." > "I thought almost all humans were dead." asked a female voice. > "Ya'll would think aftah Ro-butt-nik went and captured all the >remaining Mobian Humans we would neveh have'ta seen another o' those fur >less things ahgain." Fur less? MARK: You know, cheap. >and that accent . . . > "I am to be thenking, that mayhaps theze hu-man is to be working >for Robotnik?" that snotty voice . . . SAMANTHA: ACK! It's that damn old Antoine voice! BRET: All the overdone accents... WE'RE IN CHRIS CLAREMONT HELL!! > "Doubtful, even Robotnik wouldn't send an unarmed soldier, let >alone one who was caught with her pants down." NASH: 'Pants down', story? I'll show you pants down... [stands up with back to screen] MARK: Kevin... what the hell are you doing... BRET: No! Kevin, you had better not! NASH: It's too late! I AM THE BIG SEXY GIANT KILLER KEVIN NASH, AND IN THE NAME OF MY ASS I PUNISH YOU!! [drops trow and moons the screen] STEVE: ARGH! Sweet Jesus, no! Avert your eyes! RYAN: MY HEART!! MY HEART!! BRET [pulls off jacket to shield Samantha from the terror]: Don't look! It's too horrible! MARK: Damn you, Kevin Nash! Put your pants back on now, or REST IN PEACE!! [A brief scuffle breaks out that involves a lot of lightning bolts and Nash screaming. After a few minutes, Kevin crawls back into his seat, his pants finally back on.] SAMANTHA: Hey! I can't see anything! What's going on? BRET: In this case, that's probably a good thing. NASH: I'm sorry if that was too much for you wussies, but it needed to be done. STEVE: Is it over now? Can I look? MARK: Thanks to the wrath of the Dark Side, yes. RYAN: I think my blossoming libido has been fully killed. Thanks a lot, Nash. NASH: Anytime. >that was a husky but kind >voice. . .it was by then that I started to open one eye. They noticed it >and took a step back. BRET: Jump back now! Kiss myself! >I let out a groan and > slowly tried to sit up, everything was out of focus, and when it finally >came too, I let out yet another scream. SAMANTHA : ACK! I'm naked and in front of a bunch of anatomically correct sentient animals! > "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!" I screamed and fell outta the bed I was in; BRET: Oh, *here's* something we haven't seen yet. >funny how you don't realize your in a bed until you take a header out of >it. "SALLY ACORN! BUNNY RABBOT! ANTOINE DE'COOLETTE!! ROTOR! >And, and >MILES TAILS PROWERS!" ALL: SHUT UP!! >it seems I caught the m by surprise. SAMANTHA: It also seems that you were hyped up on caffeine at the time. RYAN: Jolt! For those who want to make a 'good' first impression! > "How do you know who we are?" demanded the Princess. STEVE: Because Kefka took Self-Insertion lessons from David Gonterman! > "Cause of my games and comic books!" I replied. RYAN : I have no life! Isn't it cool?! > "Wha?" they replied in unison. MARK : What the hell kind of stupid plot device is that?! > "oh, man!" I screamed again. "I'm in Mobius! I can't believe this! >ohh man! where's Knuckles?! where's Uncle Chuck and all the others?!" > "Yo my Unc is in Robotropolis." RYAN : Yeah, so why you up in my bizzniss? Yo best to get out my face before I put the hurtin' on yo ass! NASH : And he's taking a little *survey*... OTHERS: SHUT UP, NASH! NASH: Geez, what's wrong with you people today? > "Ohh being a spy right?! cool!" > "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!" Roared the Princess again. RYAN: Cool! Sally's morphed into a lion! SAMANTHA: Looks like the Princess needs to calm down. That kind of anger is sure to raise the blood pressure. > "My comics! watch! Check 'em out . . . BRET: I've got a full run of 'Power Pack'! You'll love it! >wait . . . where's my >backpack?" > "We had it put away, we haven't opened it yet tho, we detected some >sort of strange electrical devices in it." STEVE [extremely bitter]: Yeah, probably some other stuff she used when she watching her porn. RYAN: Really?! Wow... for those times you need a little buzz... > "Oh that would have to me by Game Gear and Cdx, and my games." RYAN: Cdx? You bought that worthless piece of junk? You're more of an idiot than I thought! SAMANTHA: Shameless product Plug # 1. MARK: This whole story seems like one big product plug. > "Your what?" asked Rotor. > "My SEGA equipment, I also brought my Psx and my Snes." NASH : Screw food and clothing! I need GAMES! >from the >looks I recived, I realized they thought I was full of it. BRET: They aren't the only ones. >I scratched my >neck slowly and felt something brush against me; it was some sort of box >wrapped around my wrist. "what's this?" SAMANTHA: The Power Morpher made by David Kintobor, remember? > "We found it on you, we thought maybe you would know." > "I don't remember having anything like this on." stupidly; just >like most humans, I began fiddling with the device. STEVE : Well, let's see what this button does... AAARRGGH!! SAMANTHA: Oh look! It's the machine that goes PING! >I pressed something >and heard a loud humming sound. I shrieked in pain, grasping my stomach >and crying out! MARK : Sonic vibrations... interacting with bad instant ramen... can't take the pressure... VOICE: Instant ramen, ooh be right back! [Everybody blinks as Ryan slumps over?] BRET: [pokes Ryan] Hey, you alright? RYAN: ....... STEVE: He's... dead. I can't believe it, Ryan's dead! SAMANTHA: Damn you Kefka! How could you snuff a blossoming life! VOICE: And back! RYAN: [wakes up] So guys, what'd I miss? OTHERS: ...... RYAN: Er, guys? >My body! my body was . . . NASH : ... going straight to hell! I needed to work out! >w as changing! I felt myself >shrink; transform into something smaller. I felt things rip from my skin >covering me! RYAN : Hedgehog Powaa, Make-up! BRET: Cool! She's turning into one of the Brood! >I felt my whole body thin out; my face slowly altered! I, I >felt like I was on FIRE! SAMANTHA: And she hasn't even hit puberty yet. > > > When it was over, I had become what I am today. A Teenage >hedgehog, pink, with blue eyes. It was a new beginning for me . . . >> STEVE: She's still a teenager after eight years? Damn, Oil of Olay really *must* work wonders. > > > > "It was a new life, and new happiness . . . but I never knew it >would end up like this." Sonya sighed. MARK : Badly written, in an ill-conceived plotline... you never think it's going to happen to you. > > >Again the Campers went silent. SAMANTHA: Someone must have hit the pause button, I see. > > > > >Chapter 6 ALL : The Never ending Stooooryyyy... La la la la, la la la, la la la... > > > Tails hated this silence; it was to cold; to much remorse. Every >story they told had something to do with Sonic. Even the story he wanted >to tell had Sonic. NASH: How strange that they keep mentioning Sonic in Sonic fanfiction! >Sally was in his arms; she felt so warm and comforting. SAMANTHA: From that moment on, Tails realized what a good blanket Sally made. >Miles let his hand wander down to her > legs; she moved her hand to his and touched it. Miles felt himself >become very lustful for her. BRET [sighs]: We knew this scene was coming sooner or later, people. Keep your lunches buckled in, and your minds in a fully upright position. >He shrugged it off and kissed her on the >forehead. "I love you," he whispered to her. STEVE: Because love is never offending a woman with your loathsome touch. > "Did you say something Tails?" asked Knuckles. > "Not really, I just told Sally I loved her. She knows it already, >we wouldn't have went through so much to save each other if we didn't ..." > > > > > <Sally; especially after she told him she loved him. RYAN: Aww, no... now we gotta sit through this... SAMANTHA: Who cares how bad your medical condition is. It's time for some gratuitous sex! >Tails just stood >there for a moment as Sally looked up into her eyes. MARK : You've got some ketchup on your chin. >God he wanted her. >he wanted to take her in every way possible, to > hold her like he was never able too. RYAN: He wants to do a little dance... make a little love... and get down tonight! >Self control prevailed of course, SAMANTHA: A good thing too considering how she was BRUTALLY RAPED FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS!!! >and all he managed to do was kiss her on the cheek and reply. "I love you >too Princess Sally." BRET : Down, libido! Down! >The rest of that night consist of Tails Telling his tales SAMANTHA: No pun intended. >to her, tales of love and ha ppiness. STEVE: Aw! He's reading her Sailor Mac stories! RYAN: May her name be uttered throughout the net! You rule, Sailor Mac! >She would kiss his paw >occasionally. They loved each other greatly, Sally's eyes never seemed to >glow with such happiness before. RYAN: Maybe because she wasn't infused with Mako before!! > Today's a wonderful day, the perfect day to go out and sit in the >forest with Sally. she had been in that bed for too long. MARK: She needed to move around and risk re-injuring herself. >He asked her >if she wanted to take a stroll in the forest. She agreed, and with the >help of wheelchair they were on their way. "The forest has changed hasn't >it Sally?" She nodded and slowly touched her dress and blanket. NASH : I like to feel things... >She grasp >the arms of the chair tightly as Miles pushed it over a small hill top. SAMANTHA: AHHH!!! MARK: Maybe he should have held on to the wheelchair. >"Ya know I've always wondered what had happened to all the other Freedom >Figh ters." BRET: Well, you said they all died in part one, but I bet that's about to be ret-conned straight to hell. >Sally made a small whimpering sound. STEVE: Bad Sally! You can go outside later! >"I'm sorry Sally, I >didn't mean to remind you about that." The fox went silent for quite >sometime; Sally looked up at him and extended her hand. SAMANTHA: Go go Gadget hand! RYAN: SPROING! BRET : OWW! My head! > "Tails," she whispered. "what is wrong?" her voice took him by >surprise and he nearly lost his grip on the chair. NASH : My God... you sound like Fran Drescher! > "N. . . nothing Sally, I'm just thinking." SAMANTHA: Notice the smoke pouring out of the ears. > "He's always thinking Sally." a dark voice suddenly whispered. MARK: No, I didn't say anything... >Sally screamed when a ghostly image of Sonic the Hedgehog walks to them. >"I miss you too Princess Sally. I can't wait to have you back in my arms. >I've been wanting to stick it to you for > a while now." BRET : You have to pay the Mastercard bill! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! >She clutched Tails shirt tightly and shook. SAMANTHA: *RIP* STEVE: Maybe she held onto his shirt a little *too* tightly. >The Fox drew >his blade and stood in front of Sally. "Oh you brave warrior," slowly >the holographic Sonic became solid. He drew his blade and stood before >them, "Well, let this bad demon be sl ayed by you!" He lunged at Miles, >clashing their blades together with the fury of an angel fighting a demon. RYAN: Battle Arena Tohshinden 4: Freedom Fighters! NASH: See, cause we can't overstate the fact that Sonic is a *demon*. >Tails Leapped back then charged; Sonic dodged with ease and grabbed the >foxes Tails; he flung him into a tree. SAMANTHA : Tails was flung through the air with the greatest of ease, he's the world's one and only, the flying trapeze... >"is this the best you can do Miles? I'm ashamed you got away >from me all these years!" He picked up the fox >and threw him against an oak; he grunted and fell to the ground "get up!" >roared Sonic as he kicked the fallen fox. MARK: Watch, Sonic's gonna spray-paint Tails next. >"get up! I'm not mealy finished >with you!" his boot came down ha rd on Miles Back. RYAN: BOOT TO THE BACK! SAMANTHA: Miles Prower, however, was watching his stunt double getting stomped while he drank an iced tea. > He was off balance when Tails hand shot out grabbing Sonic's other >foot and dropped him to the ground. Miles leaped on top of him pounding >away at his face ALL: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!... >until some unknown force knocked him off. Sonic rose and >smiled. "I'll kill you yet!" whispere d Tails. > "Not likely." > "Fire!" RYAN: Sonic blinked as the rest of the freedom fighters leapt out of the surrounding trees brandishing rocket launches. What follows next can be described with one word: BOOM! > roared Miles, a magical wave of heat burst from his hands >onto Sonic's body. BRET : He starts the fire in you! >Sonic looked at Tails and smiled; pushing back his >cape quickly; the fire was out in milliseconds. "No . . . Eternal >Light!" he screamed; a ray of light shined from the foxes armor, [Everyone shields their eyes.] >exploding onto Sonic who grunted then threw his hands up into the air. STEVE: Then Booker T ran in and kicked his ass for stealing his shtick. > "Puny fox, taste True Power!! ULTIMA!" RYAN: I call official FF7 crossover! SAMANTHA: Actually, that *is* a spell from Final Fantasy 3. > Roared Sonic, his cape rose >up by an unfelt wind, Sonic's hands darted down to the ground as a glow >from the earth surrounded Miles, lifting rocks with its pure magical >force. SAMANTHA: Actually, that only happens whenever a psychokinetic or a Saiyan powers up. >Tails screamed as the magical aura tor e at his flesh, tossing him >into the air, totally annihilating all in its path. SAMANTHA: Including him, right? NASH: We're not that lucky. >The fox landed with a >thump to the ground, barely alive, Sonic looked at the Princess and >smiled. MARK : Well done, or extra crispy? >"Your would be protector Princess Sally." Tails managed to keep >one eye op en at Sonic and Sally. > "MILES!" she screamed then rose from her chair. "Leave him alone >SONIC!" > "Oh ho!! after these long years you still have spirit?" RYAN: We have spirit, yes we do. We have spirit, how 'bout you! > he didn't have time to continue laughing. BRET: He had lunch with Hitler at twelve, and the freeway was packed. >Sally began to glow with a strange red >aura. She pointed her hand to Sonic. > > > >All was a Red haze. SAMANTHA: Then would someone get some paper towels and windex and clean it up? STEVE : Red haze, all through my brain... > > > Miles awoke with a horrible headache, more so; surprised to be >even coming too. NASH: Miraculously, he had survived mixing pickles and chocolate milk. >He tried to move and felt pain. He looked at himself >and saw his hands, Tails, chest, and forehead; wrapped in bandages. MARK: Tails is Yummy Mummy! >To his left was his armor; neatly cleaned. He loo ked around and saw Sally >no longer wearing anything; SAMANTHA: AHHH!!! Now, I'm blind! >she was staring at him, at his body. She >walked over to him just like she would in his dreams. She kneeled to him >and held a damp cloth to is face, slowly cleaning the dried blood caked on >his forehea d. BRET: So she cleaned off his armor before she cleaned his wounds. It's nice to know that Sally still has her priorities straight. SAMANTHA: Well the armor could prove more useful then Tails. >Tails' eyes lowered to her breasts, then down between her >legs then back up to her face again. SAMANTHA: Pervert! STEVE: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Our hero. > > >This time roles became switched; Tails was the wounded. While Sally >became the hero . . . RYAN: Wait... a female in this story did something WORTHWHILE?!?! The end is coming!! THE END IS NEAR I TELL YOU!! NASH: And when Sally finally does something worth a crap, we can't see it! Thanks, story! > > > After she had finished she sat down next to him and edged in as >close as she could. The fox placed his hands around her lightly. They >Stared at what they could see of the setting sun, until Sally once again >broke the silence. "I'll never leave you Mil es." >> MARK : I'll weigh you down for the rest of your miserable life! > > > > "Even with my new found powers I cannot hope to defeat Sonic at >this moment." > "Tails, how did Sally save you?" asked Sonya. SAMANTHA: With the use of a plot device. Next? > "I do not know, and she will not tell me." he looked at the >Princess who still held him tightly around the waist. BRET: That's because Sally actually sub-contracted the rescue out to the Sailor Scouts. >"All I know is I >love her deeply." he kissed her on the nose. "Please Sally, tell us >something about what happened when you were . . . wi th him. SAMANTHA: Oh sure, make her relive her nightmares. You twit. >You've carried the burden for so long." STEVE : Please, expose all of your most painful and shameful memories in public. >Sally didn't reply to his request. She >mealy looked up at him her eyes slightly watery; she was about to cry but >held it in. SAMANTHA: And exploded. > Sally shifted her weight again and looked at Tails tent. "I >understand Princess. She wants to go to sleep. Guy I'm tired too, this >turned out a little better then I expected, we've talked about what happen >with each others vacation and helped let out s ome feelings that have >plagued us for a long time" NASH: Miles Prower, group therapist. > "Yeah Tails," Replied Sonya. "I'm going to go to sleep too. I had >fun with this; a little." she got up and walked to her tent. MARK : Oh, who am I trying to kid? This was the most boring night of my entire life! > "I don't have a tent to sleep in." > "You can sleep with me Locy." Replied Antoine, just as Locy had >hoped for. SAMANTHA: Oh man. That must be some wicked stuff Antoine is using on Locy. > "Heh, coincident? I don't think so," giggled Sonya. > "That's all you women ever think of; sex, sex, sex!" hissed >Lunarus. BRET: No, that's all *Nash* ever thinks of. NASH: Yeah, pretty much. SAMANTHA: Geez, everyone's turning into snakes! > "It's a hobby." smiled Sonya, she opened her tent and entered, she >popped her head out and smiled at Knuckles. "I'll be waiting for you big >boy." SAMANTHA: *Boy* indeed... STEVE: More like 'penile implant boy'. >she giggled and placed her head back in. Knuckles grin and wagged >his tail. > "Coming my love." he leaped up and went to her hut. Lunarus >scoffed. MARK : Scoff, scoff, scoff. > "They're a buncha animals." he rose up. "Why can't they act normal >just like m~....meeee...Grrr" He quickly squatted down and lifted his hind >leg to scratch an itch behind his ear, "Stupid fleas! Grr!" > "Don't worry master Robotnik, I'll buy you a flea collar tomorrow." >Mecha Sonic laughed and went to his hut. SAMANTHA: Hah hah hah. Very funny. You're a regular Henny Youngmen. > "Come on Locy, lets go back to our hut." BRET : Let's go for a wild fifteen minutes of passion! >Antoine extended his hand >to her; she took it and walked SAMANTHA: ... off with it, leaving a trail of blood. Oh, the humanity! >together. > "Well if that isn't a buncha crap." snorted Lunarus. NASH: My thoughts exactly! What say we ditch this story and go grab a beer? RYAN: Sounds good to me! BRET: No alcohol for you, mister! RYAN: Aww, man... >"Well, I'll >go roam around, I'm a night person." he got up, standing his full seven >feet. STEVE: And giving them to the Seven Brides to take to the Seven Brothers. >"Good night Miles," he moved over to Sally and touched her hand; he >kissed it softly. "Good night to you Prin cess Acorn." SAMANTHA : Eww! Now I got cooties! > > > > * * * > > > Tails had fluffed the Princess pillow and prepared her little >sleeping bag. "O.K. Princess Sally, it's ready." Sally crawled over to it >and laid down. "Are you comfortable?" she nodded. "O.K.," Miles kissed >her on the cheek. "goodnight my princess." > MARK: Finally! God, that story was long... > > * * * > > It had been a while since Sally dreamed, her nights were almost >always restless, but tonight she dreamed. However she wished she hadn't .. . MARK: AAARRRGGGHHH! SAMANTHA: Uh-oh. I sense another flashback coming on! > > > <his battered victims and smiled. BRET : Not bad, if I say so myself! Look at how I peeled the skin off of that one! >He walked passed them and counted the >bodies, all where there; except one. NASH: You have a nasty habit of *surviving*, Mr. Bond... > >Princess Sally. He decides its hunting time. SAMANTHA: Hey Sonic, don't forget your orange vest and hunting rifle. > > Sally had managed to escape into another room during the horrible >fire fight. She stopped for a moment to catch her breath and re-think her >situation. She knew she could deal with Sonic, by talking or force. . . STEVE: Either she would talk him out of being evil, or she would feel a darn lot of force. >Half way out of the room Sonic confronted her. His eyes burned angrily. SAMANTHA: Some visine will clear that up. >Sally backed away slightly, her fear growing of him; but nonetheless she >stood her ground. MARK: Hey, is this the part that other person wrote? BRET: I think so. Why? MARK: Sally's not useless, so it couldn't be Kefka. >"Hello Sonic," she said in her softest tone. "how are >you?" He didn't reply. NASH : I *asked* you a question... >"Sonic. . . you shouldn't be doing this. It's >wrong you know." His eyes flared up RYAN : MEGA OPTIC BLAST!! STEVE: Oh, so Sonic's like Scott Summers. > "You're full of bull Sally." he whispers. "JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER >WAS!" SAMANTHA: No wonder his eyes were brown. > "Leave him out of this!" she screamed. "You have NO Right to claim >this worlds ruler!" > "Nor did your Fatuous Father!!" Sonic Roared, he threw back his >hands as a large aqua blue energy ball formed in his hands. BRET: SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!! >"And now you >DIE!" he threw it at her; Sally dodged, feeling the fur on her side almost >burn away at the magical force. Sally wa s about to laugh when she heard >creaking behind her, MARK : Oh, Sonic, you're such a kidder! >she turns around and screams as the wall that took >the attack collapses upon her, burring her. RYAN: Raymond Burr is back, and he's bad! SAMANTHA: Now I know that a collapsing wall would have buried her, but as for burring her... I don't know. > >She lets out her small whimpers of pain NASH: Run and be free, little whimpers of pain! > > "Your not dead yet eh? Good," he replies to her groans. "I'll kill >you with my bare hands." Sonic's eyes glew with horrible, evil Rage. SAMANTHA: Not just any rage, but *evil* rage! >Slowly he advances, "I want to see how strong I am Sally, how long it will >take me to strangle the life out of you. . ." STEVE: And exactly how is that useful knowledge? He can only kill her once. [Bret shrugs his shoulders] >he moves away the rubble >that's trapped the whimpering Princess. He >digs her half way out and watches her cry from both pain and mental >breakdown. Sonic smiles wickedly; enjoying her pain and fear. "To see my >powerful Sally cry like a baby."he ch uckles. SAMANTHA: Some man, enjoying watching a young woman cry her eyes out. BRET: Well, he's *evil*. > "S....on...ic...." RYAN : I...I... I'm stu... stu... stutter... stuttering... > Sally slowly moved, breaking her hand free from >the rubble. "Drop dead!" She leaped out and sent her strongest right hook >to his face; knocking him down. MARK: Yeah! Go for the pin! >She karate chopped RYAN : Judo CHOP! > his neck and continued >to sling her best blows to his back, neck, and face. NASH: She realized that wouldn't work when his quills sliced her arm off. >Sonic couldn't >defend from the unexpected blows; Sally would have won. . . SAMANTHA : Everybody was Kung-fu fighting... ALL: HAH!! > >If she hadn't tripped. STEVE [groaning]: And so the sins of the teacher are perpetuated by the student... > > "Your dead," he whispers as he reaches for a metal pipe and lunges >at her. He strikes her face hard, then pummeled her arms, and legs. >Blood began to gush from her mouth and nose as his beatings continued. RYAN: Oh no! It's Rodney King all over again! BRET: Hey! Sonic has an international object! Stop the friggin' match! >Finally her struggling stops and her body wen t limp; her blood covered >hands drop down. "Rest well Princess." he scoffs, before leaving the >room. MARK: No, you mean... REST IN PEACE!! NASH: Geez, give that guy *one* catch phrase... > >**Two days later** SAMANTHA: It already feels like days since we started this fanfic. > > > Sonic wanted it . . . STEVE: But he couldn't have it. >and bad. Thus he remembered Princess Sally, >lying there in the room alone. He smiles and rises from the control room; >dusting off his new clothing. He walked pass his now loyal SWATbots and >began to think of what he'd do. BRET : Hmmm... where do I want to be in ten years? >"If sh e's dead, then I'll just do it >with the body, its all the same for me." he whispered. RYAN: Gack... SAMANTHA: I was joking about the necrophilia last chapter. I was joking!!! >"Then I'll throw it >away; or keep it for next time." NASH: Reduce, reuse, recycle. >he opened the door to the destroyed room >and saw . . . nothing. MARK: YES! Sally got out of the fanfic! >Sally wasn't there; and the only other way out was to. . . > > * * * > > "Chuck!" roared Sonic as he entered his uncles lab. "I knew it! >you have Sally." Sonic's uncle looked down on the table where Sally laid >unconscious. SAMANTHA: Hey look! An open platter! > "She needs Medical care." he replied. Sonic looked down at her, >slowly rising his paw to her breasts. STEVE : If I could get her those saline implants, they'd be *this* big! >Charles's anger grew at his nephew, >but what could he do? if Sonic had nearly killed his girlfriend. . . what >would he do to this uncle? > "I want her . . ." Sonic whispered, BRET : ... with a summer salad and a baked potato. >Chuck looked up at him the >moment Sonic's gaze turned to him. "and I want her now, have her brought >to my quarters." > "She needs to stay here so I can finish the healing." > "You can finish healing her . . . AFTER I'm done with her." NASH : Now we'll watch 'Sanford and Son' while you feed me grapes! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! >he snatched her arm and bolted out of the lab, SAMANTHA: ... tearing her arm off in the process. >running down the hallways with >Sally in tow until they reached Sonic's new quarters. > >Like father, like Son. MARK [growling]: Don't even get me *started* on that one, story. > > Of course Sonic's new quarters were Robotnik's old one, Sonic had >chosen it by virtue of the extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra large >bed. SAMANTHA: It must be some bed if it had all those extras in the description. STEVE: Actually, it had it's own zipcode. >He tossed Sally onto it; slowly she began to come too, her eyes were >blurred but she could make out Sonic sl owly undressing. When he finally >finishes he walks over to Sally -- who can now see clearly. BRET : Hey! I finally got contacts! > The site she's treated to is not all that welcomed at the moment; >Sonic's erection flared SAMANTHA: He should have a doctor look at that thing. NASH: Could the doctor even *find* it? >and ready to do its thing. RYAN: Ain't no thing but a chicken wing! > And she KNEW what he >was about to do. "no. . ." she managed to croak out before jumping from >the bed, running for the door. > "oh yes." Sonic reached her before she even got her hands the >automatic door button. He laughed then threw her back onto the bed. MARK: Three points!! >She tried to rise up but he knocked her back down; slowly he begins to let his >hands wander. "How are you Sally?" he asks in a casual voice; she didn't >answer. "you don't say. . ." he replies to her silence. "remember that >night? before I took over. . . what we did." SAMANTHA: They stayed up all night watching 'Green Acres'. >he smiled darkly. "I enjoyed >it very much, and I know you did too." she glares at him darkly. STEVE: And then the sunlight darkly beamed in through the window, darkly. > "It was with the Hedgehog I thought I knew. . . and loved." > "Your love means nothing to me Sally; all I want is your body." BRET: Well, he can't have it! Well, we *wish* he couldn't, anyway... >he positioned himself over her. "About that 'special moment'; NASH: You mean Rini's Special Moment with Serena? RYAN: [pauses] I wish I'd have read that rather than Chibiusa's 7th Birthday. [shakes a bit] Tsunai you sick bastard... HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER!! HOW COULD YOU!! FREAK!! BASTARD!! ARGH!! BRET: Ryan! Ryan! Calm down! It's all over! This is Kefka, Kefka... RYAN: That's not much better... a little, itsy bitsy tiny bit... but... I guess it's enough... >let's recreate that night . . ." > >Sally began to scream as Sonic forced himself inside. SAMANTHA: Inside what? Her bedroom? Her house? Come on man, details, details!!! RYAN: [groans] No details, please... > > * * * > > Charles was cleaning up his lab when the screams pierced the air. >Slowly he looked up and in the direction of the cries for help. He >touched his now flesh and quills hand and slowly, began to cry. SAMANTHA And the winner for next years Mally Award of most creative use of the English language goes to... >He was >helpless to stop his nephews reign of Terror. Chuck moved over to the >window and gazed out; at a new city. A City where Mobians were indeed >alive and reuniting with lost family members, unaware of their leaders >true nature. . . MARK: He was a member of the National Rifle Association. >the nature of a demon. > Beyond what Robotnik, or Snively could ever wish to be. Tears >fell from Uncle Chucks face freely now. The screams in the master bed >room were getting louder and were accompanied by moans and laughter. BRET: Tostitos: There's a party in every bag. >Chuck never thought he'd fear his nephew, but he d id. More so then he >had fear Robotnik. >> > > NASH: *I* think getting banged by a Hedgehog is scarier than being a robot. > > > Sally Jerked up quickly, trying to choke down a scream. STEVE: Quick! Somebody do the Heimlich manuever! >Miles woke at her sudden movement, she turned to him and started to cry. "Sally >. . . what's wrong?" SAMANTHA : Chili dog... coming up... > "S...So....Sonic....." she sobbed. "N...nightmare...." MARK: She dreamed she was trapped in a story called 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds.' >The fox hugged her tightly as she continued to cry on him. SAMANTHA : Can't... breathe... > "Shhh Sally, it was only a dream. Nothing is going to happen to >you, I promise." Sally shook her head and looked up at his cool green >eyes. > "R....rape.....past......hurt...pai..n...." SAMANTHA: Bad... Shatner... talk... RYAN: She can only give one word sentences. How sad. BRET: I know how she feels. Reading this story does that to you. > "He won't ever get to you again, I swear to you." Sally's shaking >subdued slightly. "That's right Princess, Relax." He gently pushed her >back down and covered her up. NASH : Here, suffocating a little will make you feel better! >"I will be here for you my princess." he >kissed her and laid beside her; his hands aro und her. Sally thought for >a moment, as she once again drifted off to sleep. Her life had taken a >dramatic change when Sonic took control, STEVE: YOU'RE KIDDING!!! >and eight years later her life >again had taken a change; thank god this time; for the better. > Each member of the Neo-Freedom Fighters were brave and stronger >than their former. Their successors would be stronger than they were. MARK: Eventually, they would have to be reduced to children in the next season to compensate for their ridiculous power levels. >After Sonic dies, the world will flourish, the remaining population will >still rebuild. BRET: What if Sonic's immortal? >As she had read in a story, f rom long ago, a once brave >half human half esper* (*= meaning a mystical creature! Fantasy 3 players!>) SAMANTHA: And you should try spacing, since you're obviously not a writer of the English language. >child said: "Life will go on! there will always be >people, and DREAMS!" NASH: And *wet* dreams! >Sally smiled, looking at Tails, she snuggled closer >to him > and kissed his wet nose. SAMANTHA: Eww! Wipe your nose Tails! > >Maybe . . . maybe life was worth living after all. > STEVE: Well, the story has to end sooner or later. > > ><> MARK: YES!! YES!! [General celebrating ensues] >the saga continues! This might be the moment all Evil >Sonic lovers have been waiting for! Yes! Next chapter will consist of >SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and His Tale to tell. [everyone gets really quiet really fast] MARK: God dammit. SAMANTHA: No thanks. We've heard enough tales of sex and violence for now. >When his ol' Rival St. John >makes himself known, Sonic decides to take off on his own adventure and >not return until St. Johns head is on a pike. BRET: Well, I wouldn't mind seeing Sonic kill that damn skunk. > >~~~Coming Soon~~~~ The SONIC Saga that might be entitled "The Hunt" SAMANTHA: So a Predator is gonna come along and hack off Sonic's head? NASH: We can only hope. > > >~~~SPECIAL SNEAK PREVIEW!~~~ I just couldn't keep the NEXT story after the >Sonic Saga to myself! This one is the "SALLY SAGA!" Yes! Finally Sally Get >to be introduced to some new powers. But will these powers corrupt her >like they did Sonic? Only time wi ll tell for the soon to be "Fire >Goddess!" SAMANTHA: Urd tasting her own chili. STEVE: Then that story... where Sally would be useful... would be ASADAE 7, correct? BRET: Yeah. STEVE: And as of this writing, there is no ASADAE 7, correct? BRET: Yup. STEVE [sighs]: Of course. RYAN: No more hurting, NO MORE HURTING!! >in a tale I call . . . "Needful Things" (hey did that last >sentence sound like the Crypt Keeper?) NASH: No. > >MetalSonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories. (Yeah >right) SAMANTHA: Indeed. MARK: But we've got those mind-blowing headers! > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . . MARK: Speaking of which... SAMANTHA: ARGH! Not another one of these! Uh, guys? I'll catch you all later. Bret? BRET: Yeah? SAMANTHA: Could you meet me in the Holocabana after this? BRET: Umm... okay. [Exeunt Samantha] STEVE: What's that about, pink-boy? BRET: No idea. I hope nothing's wrong... > >Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Now isn't he Keeping busy? NASH: Dammit, Kefka, if *you* don't know... >I'm sure >he'll be just as happy when he meets St. John in his own City. > >Knuckles / Red Claw : The Echidna wonders who were these strange ninja's >that saved his tail so long ago. MARK: Plot contrivance demons. Next question. > >Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : Sonya must learn to cope with her >past birth on Mobius, but can anyone really deal with the fact that they >killed their own mother? STEVE: Um... it's not like Sonya held a *gun* to her head or anything... RYAN: It wasn't her fault, you bastard! That's like blaming a contractor for creating a building!! > >Antoine/Tony: His past relationship with Princess Sally has seemed to have >vanish. RYAN: You better not be alluding to what I think you're talking about, because if you are, so help me... BRET: Thank God! > >Miles/Tails/Grey Fox: What did happen when Sonic attacked . . . how could >it be possible that he is still alive? RYAN: You told us already up in that stupid sneak preview! NASH: Sally probably got possessed by the plot contrivance demons. > >Sal/Princess Sally: What secret is she holding within' her past memories >of horror and pain. MARK: It can be yours, *if* the Price is Right! > >Locy: Her new body of a beautiful fox might spark Ant's wanting to get >more serious with her. But her new dragoon powers and armor might >pressure her to think of nothing more but her mission of revenge. RYAN: It'll get her away from Antoine? ALL: GO FOR REVENGE!! > >Lunarus/Robotnik: He's just mad cause he don't got a girl N'yaaaaaaa! STEVE: Actually, there was that time he got Sonya... RYAN: Did you REALLY have to remind me of that? > >MechaSonic: His brothers lost, his true hatred for Sonic, what kept him >from betraying Sonic Sooner? > BRET: Sonic gave out really good dental insurance. > > NASH: Or, 'characters only the author cares about'. > >Uncle Chuck: He gets a bigger part in part 6 RYAN : Hah! I don't pay my agent so much money for nothing! > >Metal Sonic: Hey that dude's got a WONDERFUL name! I love it! STEVE: Oh, shut up, Self Insertion Boy. > >Sandra: Who would think a hedgehog can find love in a human....she will be >missed I'm sure. RYAN: Wha, who? > >Dulcy: She says she's not working for Sonic, but . . . > >Everyone else were just extra extras. > STEVE: *Was* there anyone else? > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Extra Junk some of you might find interesting >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [All stare at screen] NASH: INTENSE FOOTNOTE ACTION! BRET: Good lord... guys, I think I'm gonna bow out of this one, too. I'm gonna see what Samantha wants. [Exeunt Bret] STEVE: Fine! Go on! Leave us with the footnotes from hell! Like we'd need you anyway! RYAN: Well, look on the bright side. Now that he's gone, we can say whatever we want! MARK [cracking knuckles]: Oh, really? > >Official Stress reliving games played: Doom 2: Hell on Earth, Battle >Arena Toshinden, and Sonic 3D Blast NASH: Official stress relieving thought while reading this... Kefka the Dark One in a barbed wire match. > >Music listened to while writing: Mortal Kombat the Movie Theme, Sonic CD, >Final Fantasy 2/4 Celtic Moon And Tommy Tallarico Games greatest Hits >Vol.II (I mostly listened to the EarthWorm Jim themes) STEVE: Sound most often heard in theater: Our cries of agony. > >Official Annoyance: My uncle screaming "Its 3am Go To SLEEP!!!" RYAN: Well, you should've listened to him. Staying up too late is probably what gave you this damn idea in the first place. > >Official Comic books read: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comics) RockManX >(Mega ManX) Japanese Comics. MARK: Official comic book characters who would kick Kefka's butt... everyone, including Fone Bone and Lethargic Lad. > >Official TV show watched: Xena Warrior Princess, Married With Children, & >STH re-runs. RYAN: Official New Bane of Existence: Kefka. > >Written on: Microsoft WORD 6.0 RYAN: Sent by: A crazy wrestling promoter. > >Edited on: MS WORDS NASH: Riffed by: four angry wrestlers, a chick, and a teenager. > >Computer Used: PC Pacer IBM Comp 100mHz, 1.2 gig Hard drive, 8x CD rom, >40megs RAM, Sound blaster, TV viewer/capture, wireless Mouse, 14.4 bps >Fax/data/voice modem, Official Plug and Play Software, and of course. . . >WINDOWS 95! (AUGHHHH!!!!) STEVE: Wow, Kefka's computer is a piece of crap! > >Official Virus: Win95 (heheh) an error that keeps telling me "Incorrect >DOS ver" RYAN: Boy, even the computer was trying to keep him from writing this. > >Official On-line services: America On-line (Gonna get MSN soon I hope) MARK: And people wonder why AOLers are dreaded on the net... STEVE: Kefka *would* like MicroSatan. > ># of hand cramps I received writing this: 4 NASH: Number of impure thoughts had while reading this: 93, 467. > >Official hand cream used: ICY HOT, Bengay, DeepHeat RYAN: Official hand lubricant: KY Jelly. NASH: Hey, good one! > >Official toilet paper: NASH: Hard copies of 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds'. >(am I taking this to far?) Off Brand name > >Official Stuff on this file. . . > >Original Name: asadae5.txt >Created: 3/31/97 STEVE: Riffed all to hell: 7/13/98 >total size of file: 68,744bytes >Final editing time: 297 mins >pages: 21 (Times New Roman Font size: 10) pages: 29 (Arial Font Size:12) >words used: 12,345 >Characters Used: 54,550 MARK: Characters ruined: Pretty much all of them. >paragraphs: 448 >Lines: 1,147 > >Averages: > >Sentences per Paragraph: 2.5 >words per sentence: 11.5 >Characters per word: 4.2 NASH: Average amount of caring for story: None. > >Readability: ALL: NONE WHATSOEVER!! > >Passive Sentences: 1% >Flesch Reading Ease: 84.8 (avrange writing is about 60-70 heheh I'm above >avrage!) STEVE: Well, whoop-de-friggin-doo. What the hell is Kefka talking about, anyway? >Flesch - Kincaid Grade level: 3.8 (Avrange is 8.0 d'oh. . .) >Coleman - Liau Grade Level: 7.2 Bormuth Grade Level: 8.2 MARK: Mark Calloway - UT grade level - 0. Average is about a 7. NASH: Damn. I feel dirty now. STEVE: Yeah, it's like being Kefka's mind... but I've got an idea that'll cheer us up... RYAN: Really? What's that? [Everyone gets up ane eaves the theater] [DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...] Draining or replacing the SON's oxygen reserves took a good fifteen minutes. That's why Bret had been willing to let Samantha go early, and willing to leave himself. He just had to be careful not to move too fast, or he'd pass out. But it nearly happened anyway when he saw the sight in the Holocabana that awaited him. It was the Silver Millennium... the Moon Kingdom's Palace, as it had been before Queen Metalia had destroyed it. It was complete with a realistic landscape, an unrealistically breathable atmosphere, and an entirely-too-good-to-be-true recreation of a night sky. "So what do you think?" said a familiar voice, shocking Bret out of his fanboy stupor. Bret whirled about to see Samantha, blushing slightly and smiling. "It's... it's incredible! It's just like the show, but... it's real," he smiled as he picked up a handful of moondust. "How..." "I called Ami at Club Anipike when I got out early and asked her and Usagi for the details. They sent up the complete plans for the entire place," Samantha explained. "You can go inside it if you want to. It's all authentic." "Well, of course! Is this what you wanted to show me? And... well, why all the effort for me? I don't need to relax *this* bad," he asked quietly. "Umm... you... uh... want to walk around and see the place?" "Well, sure, but..." Bret was extremely surprised when Samantha took his arm and immediately began their tour. ***** "Trust me, you'll love this," Steve exclaimed confidently to the others. He was walking down the SON's corridors with Ryan, Mark, and Nash. The group looked like they had just robbed a paramilitary toy store... they were all carrying weapons that looked like they might've been Super Soakers in a previous life. They had been altered and tweaked to a huge degree, with higher firing pressures, better range, and even a laser sight on Steve's. As was fitting, for these were the weapons used for the Paint Wars. "The rules are simple. The four of us go in with all the paint weapons we can carry. Once we're in, it's every man for himself. The guy who leaves with the least amount paint on him wins." "Exactly how is this relaxing?" Mark asked skeptically. He had opted for long range paint rifles, as he figured being able to throw lightning bolts would give him something of an edge. He still thought the whole idea was pretty stupid. "Who cares?!" Nash grinned. He was armed with a high-pressure paint cannon with a load so big he had to carry it strapped to his back. "What do you get if you win?" Ryan suddenly broke in. Ryan had picked paint bombs as his weapon of choice... more reliable than paint balloons, but with the same explosive power. "I dunno," Steve asked as he began fiddling with the Holocabana controls. It was the only piece of equipment on the ship he could operate properly. "Clean clothes, I guess." "There's an idea," Nash said. "Why don't we put somethin' on the line? Y'know, a little incentive to make the game more interesting." "Like...?" Mark asked. He grew a bit more interested as he sensed an opportunity to humiliate Nash. "Superiority," Ryan blurted out. "What?" "The winner is the unquestionable superior of the losers," Ryan elaborated. Nash and Mark glared wickedly at each other. "Deal!" "Sure, why not?" Steve added with a smirk. He *invented* the damn game, so there was no way he was losing. At about the same time, he finally got the Holocaban doors to open, revealing the fantastic moonscape. "The *hell*?!" "It's the Sailor Moon castle!" "Let's *trash* it!" Nash exclaimed as he turned up the pressure on his paint-load. "Hey! Didn't pink-boy say he was gonna see Sam here about something?" "And?" Nash growled back at him. "Well, we shouldn't barge in," Steve said superiorly. Then he turned back to the Holocabana's insides. "HEY, PINK-BOY!!" he screamed in at the top of his lungs. No answer. "They must've left it on. One minute to take positions, and then the game begins!" ***** Bret arched an eyebrow and paused a minute, listening. No, it must've been his imagination. The two had stopped in the palace ball room and were now standing in the middle. As if on cue, the music from Usagi's locket started up and filled the air. Bret smiled; it was a nice touch. "So uh..." Samantha started but stopped, her face turning a bright red. "Is something the matter?" Bret asked. "Uh..." Bret sighed. Samantha felt a little bit more intimidated as his face took on a very concerned look. "I... well, I know that there's not that much that I can really do for you. But you know that I'm a friend, and I'm willing to help you in any way." "I... uh..." Samantha stammered, looking a bit helpless for the first time in Bret's memory. Bret held Samantha out at arms length and looked into her eyes. "It's okay. You can tell me. Is Vince giving you problems?" Bret could remember Vince going to some insane lengths to personally torment Eric (besides the crappy internet posts, of course) when he was on the Satellite. He bristled at the thought of Vince trying to do *any* of that stuff to Samantha, especially the thing with the noodles. "I... I..." She looked like she was trying to force something out. It *had* to be Vince; if he'd been screwing with her shower... "I love you, Bret!" The world of Sailor Moon started to spin around him and he backed up, staggered by her words as much as a punch in the gut. No; on second thought, a punch in the gut would have been much easier to deal with. ***** In the gardens surrounding the castle, two nearly-sworn enemies had been reduced to impromptu allies. A heavily paint-splattered Mark Calloway and Kevin Nash stood huddled behind a wall, back-to-back, their weapons drawn nervously. "He's comin', man. He's comin', and we're not gonna be able to stop him," Nash said brokenly, a haunted look in his eye. "Oh, shut up," Mark growled back at him. "You'll give away our position." "TOO LATE FOR THAT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A hail of paint bombs descended from above, drenching Mark and Nash utterly. Ryan lighted on the ground a few feet away. In a sharp contrast to his targets, he was completely untouched by paint shots. He dived behind a pillar before Nash and Mark could even begin returning fire. Ryan grinned to himself as he heard Mark began spewing a series of blistering curses at him. The big guys were completely out of the game, now all he had to worry about was... "I don't forgive... and I don't forget." Ryan looked up just in time to get pegged in the face with shots of tempera justice from Steve's semi-automatic paint guns. Of all the places Ryan had been watching for him, he couldn't believe that he forgot to watch the tops to the pillars. Still, Ryan was nowhere near as badly off as Steve, who had already taken more than a few paint bombs. Ryan was already deeper inside the gardens by the time Steve had gotten down to give chase. ***** After an uncomfortably long pause, Bret finally managed to overcome his shock enough to do something. "Me?" he finally spoke. "Yes..." Samantha said, a tear trickling down her cheek. She seemed to be a little more like her old, assertive self now that she had gotten it out the first time. "I don't know when it happened, but I know that I love you!" "Why?" He winced at the stupidity of that statement as soon as it came out. In fact, part of him was already screaming at himself for not sweeping her off her feet right that second and proving just how much he cared. "Because of who you are! You're brave, smart, defiant, and nice. Of all the men aboard, you've never looked at me with anything else but respect." Tears were coursing down from both eyes now as she stepped closer to Bret and wrapped her arms around him. "And all of the times you've helped me... back in the AAA, and just last post when you were there to give us all strength to finish the fanfic..." Samantha trailed off, having spoken her mind. For Bret to have said something along the lines of 'I've loved since the first time I met you' would have been a blatant lie. He hadn't paid a lot of attention to her for most of his time at the AAA, and even her first few days on the Satellite had left him... *wary* of her. She wasn't entirely human, as he understood the word to mean. He wasn't sure when it had happened, or even *why*... maybe it was going through the agony of the post together, or just hormones and proximity (though he doubted that)... but... at some point in time, he had really gotten to like the person under the vicious exterior and unnatural powers. Actually, a bit more than 'like'. "I never knew... I didn't think you liked *any* of us." Samantha laughed weakly and looked him straight in the eyes. "You're a guy, silly! You aren't exactly known for seeing the obvious." ***** "Here, fanboy..." Steve whispered as he stalked his way into the palace. He had seen the kid run in there, probably counting on the ceilings and corridors to save him. Well, Steve thought happily to himself, Ryan had trapped himself instead, and now it was only a matter of time. He stalked closer to the what must've been the Palace's main room... some kind of ballroom or something, he guessed. Right as he began to look cautiously into the room, he whirled around as he heard a sound behind him. Steve tensed and pulled his paint gun as he saw Ryan standing there, with a manic grin on his face and a paint bomb in his hand. Ducking it was the first thing Steve thought to do... **** Bret finally wrapped his arms around Samantha and pulled her close, dangerously close to real happiness for the first time ever since he'd been locked on Vince's orbiting hell. "I think... I love you too," he said finally. They moved closer to each other, hesitant of what they both wanted. Their lips were just about to touch when suddenly... **THWA-PAK!!** Bret nearly staggered over just form the sheer force of the high velocity object that slammed into his head. He reached his hand up to the side of his face and felt... paint. Sticky, wet, red *paint*. He could tell it soaked through his hair and done God-knows-what to his jacket already. Steve and Ryan just stepped gingerly into the room and stared numbly at Samantha and Bret. Suddenly, an enormous smile dawned on Steve's face. "PINK-BOY'S SCORING!!" he announced happily to the rest of the Satellite. His grin got wider as he turned back to Ryan. "And you are soooo dead..." Ryan glared back at him. "WHAT?! *You're* the one who said it was okay to be in here!" "Try to weasel out of it any way you want kid... it's still *your* paint bomb that ruined *his* night." As their argument escalated, Nash barged into the ballroom. "SCORING?! Who? Where?" "Pink-boy and Sam," Steve replied absently before going back to his argument with Ryan. Nash looked at the embarrassed pair out on the ballroom's main floor. Finally, he gave a mild snort of contempt. "He *is* the kind of guy a lesbian would go for," he pronounced. Mark, having walked in shortly after him, could only stare. "Do you have *any* idea what you just... never mind," he said with a shake of his head. He knew just how futile it could be to explain *anything* to Kevin Nash. Instead, he joined in Ryan and Steve's heated argument over whether or not Ryan could be fairly declared the winner. Bret was torn between an urge to kill them all and a profound level of embarrassment. He had to compromise with a weak, resigned sigh as he looked a bit sheepishly at Samantha. "You wanna go somewhere else and finish this? I hear the kitchen's really nice this time of night..." BLIP!!! \ / \ / \ / 0 / \ / \ / \ FWOOOSSHHH!!! ________________________________________________ BORING STUFF: As always, I don't own any of this. ASADAE is property of Kefka the Dark One. Refer back to my earlier posts; I'm getting lazy. ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended towards Kefka the Dark One. This is all done in fun, and should be considered a humorous form of C & C. Please don't hate me. LYNX's NOTES: Yes, dammit, I did a romantic MSTing skit. Why? I dunno, just seemed like a good idea. And it's really hard to find stuff that no one else has done (I think... watch me be wrong). I'd like to dedicate this MSTing to the one and only Mick Foley, because at times riffing this story felt like being chokeslammed onto thumbtacks. Well, the next one is the big finale of post 104; I hope to see you all there. Ciao! JOLT's NOTES: Damnit Lynx, you know *exactly* why *we* did that romantic ending! Bret and Samantha make a great couple and they've both been through a lot of crap. *sigh* Now if only I could get *myself* a nice romantic ending in real life... *SNIFF* Oh man... I'm coming apart... Hang on, I just got some dust in my eyes... J-BOOGIE's NOTES: Aww, and it was sooooo cute too! Anyway, I don't have much to say. So, until next part, toodles! E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com E-mail Jolt!: xwing@uniserve.com E-mail J-Boogie: Wholden535@aol.com ________________________________________________________ > "Well if that isn't a buncha crap." snorted Lunarus.