Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, round four: 'A Sorceror, a Demon, and Emeralds' part four. Original story by Kefka the Dark One/ Metal Sonic MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a. Lynxara CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt! CO-MSTIED: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie Now, on to the story! ________________________________________________________________________ Bret Hart had found that nothing worked the poisons of Kefka out of his system quite so fast as some T'ai Chi and quiet meditation out on the riverfront. At the moment, he was in the 'meditation' phase. The gentle rushing of the river... the sounds of the water-birds... the wind softly whistling through the swaying the grass... ...all were soon replaced by the blaring strains of 'Funkytown'. Bret's eyes opened instantly, and he found himself sitting on a table in a crowded nightclub. As soon as he noticed the disproportionate number of women in the club, he knew exactly who was behind this. He hopped off the table and struggled through the crowd. When he reached the dance floor, he was only slightly surprised to see Ryan doing ... *something*... much to the delight of the seven or so young ladies that surrounded him. Bret sighed, and yelled "PAUSE!" at the top of his lungs over the party din. Everything froze. It was a few moments before Ryan realized the music had stopped... and he wasn't too happy when he did. "Ryan, what..." Bret gestured vaguely at the disco-club atmosphere. "...what is this?" Ryan scowled back up at him. "Your turn in the Holocabana was over anyway. So since the guys and Samantha wouldn't let me join *their* party, I decided to make my own." "Party?" Bret asked, dreading whatever answer was coming. "Sure. If you head back now, you could probably join in. But if you'll excuse me... PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, CHIP BOY!!" With that, Ryan's private party started back up. Leaving Ryan to the bizarre gyrations he called 'dancing', Bret exited the Holocabana. Samantha had actually set it up to give *him* a place to relax, but that had gone straight to hell once Steve and Ryan had realized its entertainment potential. "I am a REAL A-MER-I-CAN! Fight for the rights of EVERY MAN!" Bret knew he was in trouble as soon as he heard *that* song wafting through the SON's corridors. He walked into the kitchen to be greeted by the hallucinogenic sight of Steve, Nash, Mark, and Samantha all in various stages of drunkenness and doing their best to finish the song. Bret quietly sat down at the table and waited for someone to notice him. After five or ten minutes, Steve picked up on Bret's presence. "Look!! It's PINK-BOY!" he yelled enthusiastically to the others. "HI, PINK-BOY!" they chorused. Bret kept a carefully forced smile on his face as he continued. "Hi. Would everyone mind telling me what they're doing?" "Y'know, it's Hulk Hogan's old theme music," Steve replied. "He must not like that one," Mark said. Nash grinned. "Well, hell! Let's do one he *will* like!" The drunken wrestlers all smiled before they began belting out, "Well, I'm BURNIN' INSIDE... with a SOOOUUUL that's on FI-RE..." "They're such *nice* boys," Samantha said sentimentally. Bret tried very, very hard to keep himself calm. "No, I meant *this*," he said as he gestured to one of the multitude of empty bottles that dotted the kitchen. "Oh!" Samantha said brightly. "Well, Nash and I were going to have drinking contest." Steve continued, "But then we remembered what you said to us last night about being nicer to each other." "So we decided to *bond* instead!" Mark finished triumphantly. "And Samantha and I worked out our differences," Nash added proudly. Bret was forced to notice that. "Yes," Nash said in his best 'highbrow' voice. "I have talked things over with Samantha, and I accept her decision. It's not easy to be a lesbian in today's prejudiced society..." Samantha did a spit-take as she heard that. "WHAT?!" "You're excessively violent and you don't like Big Sexy. Therefore, you are a lesbian," Nash replied sagely. Samantha slumped weakly on the table in frustration. Bret sighed heavily. "I'd just like to apologize right now for this... and everything *else* you've had to go through because of us..." "It hasn't been *that* bad," she sighed in reply as she mixed up another massive drink. Fortunately, Vince chose then to send them a message. Everyone assembled in the bridge as usual, Ryan showing up last and looking very annoyed. "This had better be fast! My women are getting cold!" "Ryan, your women aren't *real*," Steve noted. An impossibly sad and lonely look swept over Ryan's face. "I know." "Hello, Bladerunners!" an all-too-cheery looking Vince smiled at them from Titan 13. T13 was covered with streamers and festive decorations. Both Rocky Maivia and Vince McMahon were wearing party hats, and The Rock was cutting pieces of cake. "Thank you, Rock," Vince said as he accepted a piece. "I'm sure you're wondering why we're so happy today. Tell them, Rocky." Rocky grinned as he picked up his own piece. "The Rock's gonna tell ya three words that'll haunt you for the rest of your damn lives: THE TRIVIA SCENE!!" "The... *trivia*... scene..." Bret trailed off. He looked to the others, who just shrugged. "Yes, THE TRIVIA SCENE!!" Vince cackled triumphantly. Unfortunately, he did so when his mouth was still full... when he went for that trademark evil laugh, he choked. Rocky's face slid in to his classic wide eyed gawk as he ran to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on his struggling boss, while still trying to send up the fanfic. "Well... your fanfic... today... is ASADAE 4... just remember what the Rock said... THE TRIVIA SCENE!" Rocky struggled to push the button while Vince began turning an unnatural shade of blue. "Well, whatever it is, it can't be that bad," Samantha shrugged as she downed an impossibly huge drink. "At least, not worse than all the sex scenes in the last story," she added, her voice already a bit hazy. "I don't like this," Mark growled. "Vince doesn't *make* idle threats." "Just remember what I said. No fighting!" Bret reminded everyone. "Even if Vince is exaggerating, we'll still need to be completely focused." "That reminds me... I've got a little something to say to you," Nash said, his face very serious. "Oh? What's that?" Bret asked curiously. Nash promptly kicked Bret in the gut and powerbombed him through the Satellite's floorboards. "Sorry. Had to get all that out of my system..." he grinned wickedly. The sirens and buzzers went off. "...AND WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIIGN!!" [DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [All enter theater, Samantha and Steve helping a still-groggy Bret] BRET [dazedly]: Earl, I need you to watch my back... STEVE: Nash, was that really necessary? NASH: After being used as a friggin' human punching bag for the last three posts, I figured I deserved one good hit. RYAN: Hey! Does that mean I get one? OTHERS: NO! RYAN: Damn. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {DUE to Some >ADULT RYAN : -'s proclaiming my stories warped their children, I have been tarred and feathered. HAPPY?! BRET: [sighs happily] That would be so nice, Ryan. SAMANTHA: [slightly slurred] Woa! Sumthin sure got screwed up in cyberspace! >CONTENT, reader's discretion is advised. } SAMANTHA: Do not r... re... read under penalty of law! *HIC* *BELCH* BRET: That's it. Tomorrow morning, the liquor cabinet is going out the airlock. RYAN: Aww, and I liked that big blue drink. MARK: Moral? Even if you have a soul within your soul, never try to drink like a pro-wrestler. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAMANTHA: Oh!! Look at the little lines, wiggling about! BRET/MARK/RYAN/STEVE: Wiggle wiggle wiggle! NASH : Ahhh... wiggling... > >~-<{<>}>-~ (PART4) SAMANTHA: The Armegeddon! *HIC* Man, that stuff was strong. STEVE: You should've seen what happened when Nash got Rey Mysterio jr. hopped up on it! Poor little guy tried to Huracanrana a floor lamp. RYAN: Boy, he sure must have been *shocked* to find out his opponent was so *light*. Heh heh... BRET: Nice job, pun boy. RYAN: HEY! >Knuckles Saga> Written by: Mecha Sonic Kefka the Dark One and by >Monique Morgan a.k.a. Miyasha SAMANTHA: Damnit! Another fragging author joined dem ranks! MARK: *sigh* The poor soul probably thinks she can save this story, too. RYAN : He BLACKMAILED me into doing it! BELIEVE ME!! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ >SPECIAL THANKS GOES TO: ROGELIO VILLALAZ For helping me out when my >system crashed SAMANTHA : Boo!!! Damn you, Rogelio! Damn you to hell!!! BRET: Calm down, Samantha! SAMANTHA: Make me! >and I lost Bookshire E-Mail address and the address where these >stories are... D'oh!! Next time I'll write 'em down! SAMANTHA: Fix his computer, why don't you damn no good... STEVE: Careful! SAMANTHA: I don't wanna be careful! I wanna kick Roger's ass! MARK: No more alcohol for you, young lady! NASH: Moral? No one functions better when drunk than a pro-wrestler. See, we're just fine. RYAN: I wish I remembered when I was drunk... >---------------------------------Editor/Co-Author's >notes----------------------------------------------------------- ALL: SAMANTHA: An editor? Who the hell would be stupid enough to edit his stories? NASH: Maybe she's some kinda sado-masochist. > Hi, this is my first time working w/Kefka. RYAN : Forgive me. I didn't know what I was thinking. > This is a great story line [All blink at the screen.] SAMANTHA: Alright. What is she smoking? >although violent for some but GIVE THIS STORY A CHANCE. SAMANTHA : No! No I will not give this stupid *BLEEP* story a *BLEEP* chance! You have no idea the *BLEEP* horror we went through because of this god damned *BEEP*ing story! So take this *BLEEP* story and shove it up your *BLEEP you *BLEEP* no good *BLEEP* mother *BLEEP*!!! MARK: When did we get a censor in here? BRET: Beats the *BLEEP* out of me. STEVE: Stone Cold would be proud of you, Samantha. RYAN: Censor? So I can't say *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP BLEEP*? MARK: No, and you shouldn't be able to say that at all. RYAN: Well ain't that a *BLEEP*. Heh, this is cool! >I didn't do ground >breaking work on this story, NASH: Oooh. Watch me look surprised. >I just made things as 'pretty' RYAN: ...Oh so pretty. > as I could and >I added in some suprises. RYAN: Oh great. Because of this I'm gonna HATE surprises from now on. MARK: So she gave the fanfic a lovely makeover! She changed its hair and make-up and helped it find just the right style... SAMANTHA: Like everyone dying? That would make this fanfic pretty enough. >Hopefull y after this series is done there will >be more stories to do ALL: BOO!!! >(Heck, maybe one of these day's you'll actually see >my character!). RYAN : She just happens to have my name and is omnipotent. Did I mention she has all the men of the world under her heel? BRET: Um, no thanks. Really, I think we have too many characters as is. > My thanks go out to Kefka a.k.a. Metal Sonic for letting >me work on this story and also to anyone who reads this. RYAN: Wait, you mean he LET her work on this? Shouldn't that word be "begging"? STEVE: You'd damn well *better* thank us for wasting our lives on this crap!! >Remember th at: >A.) This story can (and will) get violent, so if that disturbs you.... >TOUGH! RYAN: Oh yeah?! Get ready for the riffing of your life, pal!! SAMANTHA: Oh great. Stone Cold just turned into an editor. NASH : You're gonna read my god-damn story, ya little Nancy boys, and you're gonna like it!! And that's the bottom line! MARK: I can't help but notice all the wrestling references today, Samantha... SAMANTHA: Oh, well, I did kinda like the show I watched with you and Ryan last night. But that stuff the other guys were watching... I bet you could use that as an ipecac. OTHERS: PHILISTINE!! >You choose to read it. ALL: NO WE DON'T!! >B.) There is some adult situations in this >but this is not a porno so if you're looking for a cheap ride... TOUGH! RYAN: What? No classic close up shots or the "bomp-chicka-bomp-wow"'s? BRET: Damn, and I was *sooo* hoping for another one of Kefka's oh-so-erotic sex scenes... STEVE: 'Adult situations'? Are we gonna see Tails do his taxes? Are Sonic and Sally gonna play the stock market? Elaborate, man! SAMANTHA: Spend some money at the street corner for a cheap ride. >C.) I HAVE DECLARED MY ROOM AS MY OWN COUNTRY AND...... RYAN : My mommy declared war on me. WAAHH!! SHE TOOK AWAY MY ALLOWANCE! [sniffles] She said something about not adding to my GNP... SAMANTHA : ... I Hold dominion over all I see!!! NASH: ... you are a complete looney who should be locked up in a padded cell and never let out OR near a fanfic again. >eheheheh... I done >now. SAMANTHA: I made a funny. MARK: Ahahahaha. It time for Undertaker to kill you now!! >Jya mata, O Genki de and enjoy the story! :) STEVE: And a 'Domo Arigatto, Mr. Robotto' to you too. SAMANTHA: Screw you! BRET: Hey! Tone down the language! SAMANTHA: Make me! RYAN: Moral? Never let an angry vigilante get really drunk before riffing a fanfic. Because somebody is likely to get wrecked. >~Miyasha-chan a.k.a. >Monique Morgan (Miyasha ka@aol.com or Twohobbits@earthlink.net) >-----------Back to Author's >comments----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SAMANTHA: Which, hopefully, won't be too much. NASH : Well, I tried as hard as I could to fit in that 'Tails/Antoine/Sonic' rape scene you've all been clamoring for, but I just had too darn many ideas! So I'll have to turn it into a whole other story! RYAN : Oh man, that was beyond MY tastes... MARK : You will shut up *now*, or REST IN PEACE. > >Dedicated to: Certain such people as Sugar, Leo, Locy, Locke, Roxane and >Bakndadaze.... BRET: Gesundheit! RYAN: Hey wait, wasn't that tubie named Locy? It's self insertion!! ALL: NOOOOOO!!! >And my Brother onAND my Brother on RYAN: Repetitive, isn't he? > AOL Mecha Sonic and so >many more that I have lost count on them, they all are the greatest >friends anyone can have.e sneakers to RYAN: And loafers, and slippers, and zapatas, and shoes, and... SAMANTHA: Okay, now I *know* he lives in his own little world. Lost count of his friends, don't make me laugh! JOLT: How much hate e-mail will that bring in, Lynxara? LYNXARA: Probably enough to make me able to call Gonterman a guy who got a few negative comments. STEVE: That's it! I see one more person break the fourth wall here, and it's Death Drop time! JB: HAH! I laugh in the face of your Death Drop! In fact... I taunt you! [So Steve runs across the theater and promptly Death Drops JB. The other authors run away and are never seen again] RYAN: And thus proving I am not self insertion. I wouldn't be stupid enough to ask for THAT. BRET: And NOW we bring you back to today's scheduled fanfic. > BOOKSHIRE DRAFTWOOD for placing this on the coolest web page in the world >of Mobius! RYAN: Right next to the page of waffles and the celebrity fake nudes. SAMANTHA: Damn you Bookshire! Damn you to hell! > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ NASH: Looks like the lines decided to have a drinking contest, too. >Letter Response: I was hoping Anyone with comments, Idea, SAMANTHA: How about quit writing and get a *real* job! BRET: I see lots of flames... the flames of hell itself! RYAN: Burn, baby, burn! >or wish to ask >for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the >Compuserve.com MetalSonic@AOL.Com MARK: Only *two* this time? Could the roaring tidal wave of Kefka's e-mail finally ebbed to the point where he only needs *two*? >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~ >Lawful Crap: RYAN: Yeah, this crap is pretty awful. Oh wait, there's an "L" before it. My bad. > Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and >all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA, >Archie Comic publication, SAMANTHA: When it comes to the Archie comics I say this: Archie is gay, Betty and Veronica are lesbians, and Reggie is impotent. BRET: Damn, I wish I could argue with you. >DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday Cartoon, STEVE: That got canceled after two seasons, I might add, which really makes me wonder why all these people worship the damn thing... >and SEGA of AMERICA. Other such Ch aracters are created from the minds of >Elizabeth Ramirez SAMANTHA: Didn't Sean Connerey play Ramirez? NASH: Yeah, but that movie still sucked because Connor is such a wimp. Now *Duncan* McLeod, there's a real man! RYAN: Why Nash, I never knew you were looking for a real man. [Nash promptly smacks Ryan, inadvertently knocking him out of his chair] >and Alex Arellano. Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and other >such things are based on the characters and items created by SquareSoft >inc. Suikoden's Rune of Gate is a trademark (I'm sure) of Konami Energy >Bank is an item from the game "Legacy of Kain" MARK: You're really just too lazy to come up with an original plot device, aren't you, Kefka? RYAN: This guy wrote a *DARK* *SONIC* *LEMON* and you want him to come up with something *ORIGINAL*?! >Great game! made by ActiVision SAMANTHA: Gasp! He stopped using SquareSoft RPGs! Say it ain't so! Say it ain't so! BRET: No, he's just decided to abuse some *more* perfectly good games. >and Crystal Dynamics 1) No one can use the Characters Elizabeth >Ramirez, SAMANTHA: Played by Sean Connery. STEVE: But you have to admit, Kevin, Connor got a cooler story. Duncan just kinda stands around and kills his friends that miraculously turn out to be Immortals while other Immortals kill his friends that *are* mortal. NASH: Yeah, but Duncan wasn't in Highlander two OR three. 'Nuff said. >or Alex Arellano created without written permission to the >author. 2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line >Service without written approval from the authors MARK : I'm waiting to give out that approval... I'm still waiting... Um, I'm ready to approve... >3)No one says anything >about how cruel I make Sonic BRET: Actually, we should follow that one. Drove me nuts last time. >4) And on a final note, How come I put my >legal stuff on my Sonic Stories and not on my Final Fantasy >Stories....Hmmmm... monkey sees monkey do? SAMANTHA: Or you could say good stuff goes in one way and crap comes out the other. BRET: Samantha, do you need to step outside or something? SAMANTHA: Oh, I'm fine now... it's just this story. BRET: Well, I can understand *that*... >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~ >Brief summery: Knuckles and Sonya reach the ruins of the Floating Island, >only to find it's not so ruined RYAN: In fact, it wasn't ruined at all. Ignore everything I previously wrote. BRET: I *wish* we could ignore it. MARK: Oh, so the Floating Island got better after being disintegrated. >and the population has been enslaved by >some up known entity. STEVE: Well, up your known, too! SAMANTHA: The hell...?! There ain't no floating island! It got nuked by Sonic, remember? Are *you* not even paying attention to the story, Kefka? >Who could be so cruel? ALL : Gee, we wonder if it's Sonic. >If that wasn't enough Poor >old Sonya is about to get a taste of > being used again, BRET: Well, that's it. Samantha, would you mind stabbing me to death now? SAMANTHA: ... STEVE: Calm down, Captain Canuck. You made it through part three, you can make it through this. BRET: But death would be so much *easier*... RYAN : Dammit, Kefka, what the hell is it with you and rape?! Don't you think Sonya has been through enough, and now you got to put her through MORE of this crap!?!? NOO!! Gonterman was way, WAY BETTER THAN THIS!! THIS IS JUST WRONG!!! BRET: Whoa! Ryan, buddy, calm down! I've been where you are, and trust me, its not a good place! Just relax... RYAN: But... this is all so wrong... and repetitive and... [eventually breaks down and weeps. Bret puts a comforting arm around him] >in the all out story, what will happen to Knuckles and >Sonya's relationship? RYAN: And more importantly, who will give a rat's ass? SAMANTHA: Run free, run-on sentence! Run and be free! MARK: Truly, Kefka is a great protector of the endangered run-on sentence. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ > > > > >Chapter 1: Forgotten History SAMANTHA: The best thing about it is that no one remembers it. > > Sonya and Knux left Neo-Knothole STEVE: So there was a bunch of animals running around in tight, high tech armor blowing up Boomers? BRET: That said Neo, not Mega. STEVE: Oh. So there was a bunch of psychokenetic animals destroying the property while one was dressed up all in white clamshell armor and bossed everyone around.? >the following three hours after >the arrival of the princess. They didn't want to leave; their worry for >Sally nearly consumed them but Tails suggested a break for everyone was >for the best NASH : I don't care if the resistance movement is facing a major crisis! You two need to have some *fun*! >(He actually ran them out) . MARK: He shooed them away with a broom. >Th e SAMANTHA: You know, it's so funny when a story has an editor and they still have mistakes. BRET: I'd hate to see what this looked like *before* she got it... >duo took a day's travel >from the dark, shielding forest and through the plains NASH: Because traveling out in the open is really easy during wars. STEVE: Wow, I bet Sonya and Knuckles could make a killer green and white deck. >until they arrived >at the beach "Natures Wonder", MARK: Yes, 'Nature's Wonder', the gentle, all-natural laxative with the colon-cleansing power of fiber. RYAN: For when you're really on the "Go". >the closest beach to where what used to be >the Floating Island once sailed above. Much to their suprise, the beach >was not polluted with Sonic's horrible Toxic chemicals, BRET: Damn Sonic and his generic toxic chemicals! When I think of the horrible generic evil purposes he uses them for... >it had remained >pure as they last remembered it "This is nice isn't it Knuckles?" Asked >Sonya. SAMANTHA: Oh man... getting dizzy... must not lose... consciousness... MARK: Better get used to it now... I'm sure the run-ons only get worse. > "Yeah, but I can't help but worry about Sally." SAMANTHA: Then why the hell did you leave? > "She'll be O.K., I'm sure, Miles wont let anything bad happen." STEVE: I dunno, he got roped into doing this story... >Sonya looked up at the echidna as he paused for a moment. He gazed up at >the sky briefly, he remained motionless with his mouth slightly agar ALL: JOHN AGAR?! NOOOOOO!! >then >fell to his knee's in the moment that his m ind finally processed all the >information it had inadvertently taken in. BRET: Knuckles could process a lot faster if he'd finally get a 56k modem. >Sonya followed his gaze toward >the crystal NASH: Yeah! Everyone knows that Crystal's where it's at! >blue and gasped. Higher then it ever flew before was the >Floating Island. . . but it wasn't alone. SAMANTHA: Sorry if I steal your rant, Bret... BRET: Take it. Those things were bad for my health. SAMANTHA: Thank you... THE DAMN ISLAND WAS BLOWN TO DUST YOU STUPID ENCHIDA JERK!!! IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE ANYTHING LEFT! >Within it's vicinity more, >smaller is lands stood held in the air by some mysterious, magical force. MARK: It was the most *powerful* plot contrivance ever conceived! In fact, it had taken a workforce of over 400 people to rip a plot hole large enough to allow it in! >Sonya saw Pyramids and gasped again, STEVE : Oh my god! It's Q-bert! >the one on the far left was >Sandopolis, this must have been some strong magic... SAMANTHA: Yeah, considering that there was just a few grains of sand left from the island. > "Sonya do you see what I see?" Knuckles interjected into Sonya's >thoughts. NASH: Mental sex! Kinky! > "You mean the Floating Island and other little isles with it?" RYAN : No, the comet about to crash into us. OF COURSE I MEANT THE FLOATING ISLAND!! BRET: Oooh, the Floating Island must've gotten knocked up by Madagascar. > "Yeah..." > ". . .NO I don't see it..." SAMANTHA: Thus proving that Knuckles had finally cracked. >She looked at him again. "Honey, calm >down, you look like you're about to faint." STEVE : And put on a sweater before you catch your death of cold! SAMANTHA: I'm not about to faint! I can just turn blue, that's all. > "I'm O.K., really I am...come on we gotta get up there and fast!" >Knuckles removed his ninja hood and grabbed onto Sonya by the waist. SAMANTHA: *CRACK* MARK : AHHHH! My waist! >He >leaped up and his dreadlocks caught the wind sending them soaring into the >air toward the isles. SAMANTHA: Man, that's some hairdo! NASH: Does that mean Davey Boy Smith could fly when he had 'em? BRET: Hey, maybe he was secretly Captain Britain! STEVE: It's amazing how stupid something from a video game can look in a story. MARK: Sure, didn't you see the 'Super Mario Brothers' movie? RYAN: Can't forget 'Street Fighter' either. >Sonya could feel > Knuckles grip tighten when Mountain Fate rose from the clouds, NASH : Well, that's one way of putting it. BRET: And a good scene from a Douglas Adams book is ripped off! >that Mountain should have been gone. Why was it there again, HOW was it there >again? SAMANTHA: A cheesy plot device. Next? >Knuckles flew over the mountain and gazed at the horror that was >once his homeland, there were many conco ctions of metal that were >factories on the island, sucking STEVE: ...away our sanity... RYAN: ... and the very souls out of our bodies... >the natural resources away in their >mindless continuancy to serve their 'masters'. MARK: 'Continuancy'?! That's not even a word! *Ratliff* never did *that*! BRET: Warrior's suddenly looking very intellectual and erudite. >There were many robotic >beings whipping the few residents of the land into terrified submission; RYAN : Submit! Submit! Oh *please* Submit! >It was a night mare, a dark and twisted nightmare STEVE: Just like this story! >that seemed to rise up >from Knuckles mind making him sick to his stomach with hate, anger, and >last of all, sorrow. SAMANTHA: He then tossed his cookies all over a nearby Swatbot. >The Echidna landed not to far away from one of the >many factories that dotted the land. STEVE : Those that wakkoed and yakkoed the land would have to wait. BRET: That's horrible! STEVE: Two words, pink-boy... BRET: Invoke *them* and I *will* kill you. >"What's going o n Sonya..." Knuckles whispered. NASH : I think Kefka forgot about that 'blasted to nothing' line. > "I...I dunno, this is horrible. We gotta do something Knuckles." >The echidna fitted his mask back on his face. MARK : Damn strings... never could get this thing on by myself... Sonya, you mind givin' me a hand here? >He smiled at her with >almost evil hint hidden in it. SAMANTHA: "I'll kill you last," Knuckles said. > "I intend to, now, come on, let's first find out who is >responsible for all this..." STEVE: His name is Kefka, and it would make us all really happy if you'd go and kick his butt and end the story. > > > > > >Chapter 2: New Employment SAMANTHA: So the rebels started working at KFC? BRET: Damn, must've let Walt Simonson start writing. > > > "Enerjak, Enerjak!! Come in you stupid echidna." ALL: SAMANTHA: What the hell kinda name is Enerjak? Sounds like a horribly mutated version of the Energizer bunny. NASH: Ten bucks says I know *exactly* how this guy got his name. BRET: What? NASH: Just wait for the sex scene. [Bret suddenly groans as he realizes what Nash is talking about] >Sonic's voice >blared from a tela-monitor. "Come in now or I will make you PAY." SAMANTHA: ... these overdue phone bills! RYAN : You still owe me for those 900 numbers! STEVE : You come inside right this minute, young man! >A red >Echidna dressed in ancient Aztec clothing BRET: Well, that's what happens when you buy your clothes from the thrift store. >ran in and NASH: ... smacked DDP in the head with a chair, causing *another* Nitro main event to end in a screwjob DQ finish. >switched the monitor >on. He pushed back his beaded dreadlocks an d kneeled to the screen. MARK : I worship you, oh mighty television! Please accept this offering of tapioca, which represents the blissful state you bring to my mind with your loud and inane spewings! >"Its about time Enerjak. . .I trust things are going well in the search for the >Rune of Gate?" > "Yes of course Master, SAMANTHA : As soon as I figured out the advanced part of WebCrawler, it was easy! >the half blade has pointed to its location, >the Hidden Palace. However sir, ah, the Palace is hidden within the >mountain; STEVE : That's kinda why it's called the Hidden Palace... >its interior has change since the fall of this land." > "Find it fool, with that we can finally be rid of all the >nuisances. NASH : Only its dark power can rid us of those meddling Olson twins! >Find it by next week or else I'll have your head on a pike! >Sonic out!" SAMANTHA: Sonic is out! And the new WWF champion is the UNDERTAKER! [Mark raises one hand dramatically and the 'Graveyard Symphony' spontaneously begins to play] BRET: Quit that! You haven't beaten Stone Cold yet! MARK [grinning as the music cuts off]: *Yet*. >The screen went black. Enerjak trembled for a moment and >convulsed. STEVE: Enerjak knew that, as an epileptic, he had no business playing video games. But did he listen? Noooo... >He heard a moan in the back room where he c ame. NASH: I bet he sat the room on fire when he came, too. >It seems the >girl he had raped has woken from her 'rest'. Enerjak grinned slightly and >went back to her. RYAN : Yappappa Yappappa Iishanten... SAMANTHA: Ack! Not again! I swear, if this scene goes any further then this, the screen is going to taste my Big Ass Multiple blast... NASH [opens his mouth to say something, then promptly shuts it] BRET: See? You do have self-control! > "Well, well, my dear, it seems I'm going to leave you for now, if >you're wise you'll be prepared to serve my pleasures later." RYAN: Service with a smile? BRET: You're approaching the border line, mister. Don't make me break my word. >The girl >started to sob but nodded. Enerjak moved over to the bed. Above it hung >the half Blade of Mobius. SAMANTHA: Hey, it's the other half of the sword that Sonya was looking for! STEVE: Wow, you must be as bored as I am. >He removed it and left the room and went back >to the screen, sighing as he did so. "Blade of Mobius, hear the wishes of >your owner, lead me to the Rune of Gates." BRET : Fulfill the sacred plot contrivance! >The blade began to glow >lightly, STEVE: ... yet fillingly! >leaping from his hands and SAMANTHA: Plunging deeply into his chest. RYAN: Good sword! >hovering over the table with the >monitor on it. A mong other things was SAMANTHA: The large amount of extra spaces. >also a large map of the Floating >Islands. It slapped itself right in the middle of the Sandopolis Ruins. NASH: Great, Kefka saw that damn movie about the Shadow. >From there it cut its way towards Sky Sanctuary, then to the Mountain of >Fate. "Damn you blade, MARK: Hey! Leave Bret's kids alone! BRET: I don't think that's what he meant... >why do you make this complicat ed... Know that >once I find all the Ruins for my master I'll melt you down and make a >butter knife." SAMANTHA: Maybe that's why it makes it so difficult on you. >The blade stirred slightly. It understood him and hated >him. RYAN: Just as we hate the author. > > * * * > > > Knuckles and Sonya decided to split RYAN : Today on ASADAE, Knuckles and Sonya have parted ways... will they ever find each others hearts again? STEVE: ARGH! They're asexually reproducing again! >and find each other's way, SAMANTHA: That way, they'll be easier to find and kill off. >they would meet back there in 1/2 an hour. Sonya stayed in the shrubbery, NASH: So she could bring one to the Knights Who Say 'Nee'. >her clothing was not good to track in since she wears light colored >clothing. MARK: Well, maybe the freaking *huntress* should've *thought* of that when she GOT DRESSED!! >She tried to stay where the flowers w ere, she thought she has >succeeded in staying stealth, until something hit her from behind. STEVE: It was Kefka's English teacher, and boy was she mad... >She fell unconscious, her last vision was that of large bot, grinning over >her. MARK: TOM SERVO, NO!! BRET: Is there *anyone* who's not evil in this story? SAMANTHA: See? Didn't I say they would be easier to find and kill? > > > > * * * SAMANTHA: Twinkle, twinkle, little star... > > > Knuckles hated spying, but he loved the feeling of danger and >excitement. NASH: Especially when he got to go on missions to watch the Playboy mansion! >Within the small time he had, he had found this was of course >Sonic's doing. SAMANTHA: Oh sure, *everything* is Sonic's fault. Why don't you try blaming Snively? He's alive! >He kidnapped a small kangaroo STEVE: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! *Our* hero! >and asked it what was going >on... "please Tell me kid...you remember m e, the one who helped you find >your mother, when the winds were getting rough." RYAN: Ignore the fact that I just abducted you. MARK: Damn those lecherous winds! > "Momma is dead, she tried to save me from SWATbots and she ended >up eating lasers." SAMANTHA : Mmm... tastes like chicken. >Cried the 'roo. "Mr. Guardian please, please get even >with those guys...they took my whole family away." BRET: Well, the Guardian's going to be busy over at the Cadmus Project with Dubbilex and Superboy... > "I will kid, I promise, but first I need some info... NASH : Where the hell do you go to find a good bar in this place?! >tell me >everything you know since the fall of the island those years ago." SAMANTHA : Well you failed us and the island got blown up real good... I think that covered everything. RYAN: Don't forget, he ran away from Sonya at the end. SAMANTHA : How *could* I forget. > "O.K., Since the fall, allot of the island was destroyed, Angel SAMANTHA: Oh crap, another long paragraph. Could someone wake me up when this is over? [slinks down in chair to take a nap] >Island, Marble Guardian, Carnival Night, all those places are gone now. RYAN: Aww, no more big head floats and topless college students? MARK: Not THAT Carnival... NASH: Yeah! Mardis Gras is here to stay! >The island was still in some ways alive it floated over the currents in >the sea. STEVE: Uh, sure... Guys, I think I'm going to be the next to snap. BRET: Don't think like that, Steve! STEVE: No, I mean it. None of this makes sense, everyone's out of character, and the occasional thing that does make sense makes me want to chew my own head off. NASH: Could you actually do that? STEVE: I could try... RYAN: Need ketchup? >Then one day a Hedgehog in purple, black, and red came here... MARK: Ah, the Evil Colors (TM). >he told us he was gonna help us. He was really nice at first, I remember he >petted me and all that. BRET: 'All that'? For once, I'm glad Kefka decided to be vague. >Then he showed his true colors, he took the >Chaotixs," Knuckles suddenly felt a hard lump in his throat NASH: Looks like Sonic finally found him! Be sure to control that gag reflex, Knux. STEVE: ARGH! >at the name of >his com rades. "And he killed Charmy RYAN: They killed Carmy!!! BRET: The bastards!!! >and Espio, he disassembled Bomb and >Heavy. The only ones that are alive is Mighty and Vector." The 'roo >paused for a moment. "He even called back Enerjak..." Knuckles almost >screamed. MARK : What the *hell* kind of stupid name is that?! > "What?! That mad Echidna is back again?! I thought he was floating >in space somewhere." SAMANTHA [waking up]: Oh, it's done. Thank god for that. Enerjak is a mad Echidna? BRET: Enerjak's pissed, and he's not going to take it anymore! > "He's back Mr. Guardian! he is! he's Sonic's main henchmen on this >Island. He's brainwashed Mighty and Vector again!" SAMANTHA: What do you mean again? Hello? Story? A little elaboration please? > "Oh Great...what's with the factories and drilling?" NASH: It's *industry*! Building for the future, with 3-M! > "Enerjak is commanding us all to dig for resources and to find >some sorta rune thing." STEVE <'roo>: Something about 'one ring to rule them all', too... > "Damn, any ideas where it is?" > "Oh that's easy! It's in Hidden Palace! MARK: Why the hell is something called the 'Hidden Palace' so friggin' *easy* to find? BRET: Calm yourself... think pure thoughts... >But the way is blocked by >hundreds of granite.... NASH: ... marbles! >And anyone who tries to get in there is burned and >some voice named Archimedes warns us to go away." Knuckles grinned, his >old fire Ant comrade was still around and SAMANTHA: ...he's out for revenge! > thank goodness for that. "Oh I'm going to be missed, that's 25 slashes STEVE: Okay. Here goes. ///////////////////////// BRET: How the hell did you do that? >please I must go back..." MARK: ... to the FUTURE!! > "O.K. Kid, I'm sorry, and I'll get you out of this, so says Red >Claw!" The 'roo started t hop away when he turned back and smiled at the >Echidna. NASH <'roo>: I feel so funny when I look at him! RYAN: Oog, that hurt ME... > "Mr. Guardian! Umm You might wanna check Sky Sanctuary out first! >There's been allot of activities going around there!" STEVE: Like dodgeball and aerobics classes and intramural basketball... > "Alright, thanks kid!" SAMANTHA : Heh heh heh... The idiot fell for it. He won't know what hit him. > > > > * * * BRET: Leonard Maltin must have been doing some wild stuff when he gave this story three stars. RYAN: "Marutan" Ray! MARK : "Urutura" Leonard Maltin... > > > > Sonya was getting quite annoyed at the constant black outs she's >been having these past weeks. MARK : Damn! Getting raped and beaten sure is irritating! >First with her pop now this. She opened >her eyes to find herself lying on the ground fully clothed... she was >grateful for that, SAMANTHA: And so are we. >"What hit me. . ." she mumbl ed out. RYAN: A boot to the head. Gotta watch out for those. > "Just a Stealth bot Sonya." A low toned voice spoke out. > "Wha...who...who are you? where are you!?" Sonya rose up and took >a look around her surroundings, it was a kinda prison cell but very >metallic, STEVE: Almost like it was made of metal or something... >the only way out seemed to be a large hole, but pink lights >reached from the top to the bottom of it. NASH: She's been captured by the Hart Foundation! Now Owen's gonna have his way with her! BRET: NASH!! NASH: No, wait... I forgot! Owen's in the *Nation of Domination* now! [Bret groans in agony] >It didn 't take a rocket >scientist to know those were containment field rays. RYAN: But it took a rocket scientist to know that they were deadly. Since Sonya wasn't one, she got fried into a crispy critter. SAMANTHA: Once again, she had been captured by the Romulans. >She was someone's >prisoner, she didn't like this one bit. MARK: Well neither do *we*, but the story just goes on and on... >"Why have you captured me. . .why >are you doing this!?" SAMANTHA : Probably because they're evil, you twit... > "The Questions are indeed substantial and are entitled for factual >acknowledgment. [Everyone stares at the screen in shock for a few minutes] STEVE: AAAAAGGGGHHHH! Not a half-ass 'big words' character! Please, please, please! BRET: Kefka, dictionaries are plentiful throughout the planet and they can be of great use to a writer... >However young one I cannot give these answers out so >easily, you must work for them. RYAN : On the corner. I expect 70 percent of your proceeds. And you BETTER have my money... >Try to understand that I do not wish this >but that the dominator impels me." NASH [grinning]: Yeah, I know what *that* feels like. Just can't say no to leather... MARK: Kevin, *no one* wants to hear about this. > "Listen pal, first of all, I don't care what your dominator SAMANTHA: Oh, don't use that word. BRET: What word? SAMANTHA: Dominator. BRET: AAA memories again? [Nash sighs, clearly thinking about something else] >wants. >And second, you should really learn to stop speaking in such intellectual >output of your declaration. RYAN: Ami? STEVE: And the author should cease utilizing such aggrandized verbiage. >D...damn you got me doing it..." MARK: Well, *everybody's* doing it. >The door >opened and someone dressed in a brown cl oak entered, SAMANTHA: Obi-Wan Kenobi is back and boy, is he pissed! >Sonya couldn't make >out his face at all. STEVE: Good! There's been enough making out in this story! > "Child, go to Sandopolis your answers lie there. . ."He reached >out his hand SAMANTHA: Nooo!!! >and touched her forehead and she fell to the ground >unconscious. "Go there and prepare child. . ." SAMANTHA: *Whew* Thank god it never degenerated into that. BRET: AGH! Don't mention *degenerates*... > > > > * * * > > > > Knuckles tapped his foot repeatedly, RYAN: (hums a tune) And ya gotta get jiggy with it... > his actions reminded him of >the ol' annoying less deadly Sonic. STEVE: Yeah, when all you had to worry about is when he ran past you and set your feet on fire. I REALLY miss him right now! BRET: We all do, Steve. > It was an hour past the time of >meeting with Sonya, and he began to worry. NASH: Ha ha! Knuckles got stood up! >He gave a long sigh, and >decided to leave and hunt for Sonya. SAMANTHA : Okay, got my shotgun, orange vest... >As it was, th e only area he thought >to check was Sky Sanctuary, MARK: I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the kid told him to go Sky Sanctuary... >it was, seemingly calling him, and he wasn't >about to disappoint it. SAMANTHA: Considering what the author has already, I have this bad feeling that sentence could lead to any number of sick scenarios. > > > > > STEVE: Saying that implies that someone in this story *has* a mind. SAMANTHA: You mean Sonic was still trying to figure out that Rubik's cube? > > > > Sonya awoke an hour later, she felt like she had a hang over from >drinking to much Mega Muck. BRET: She must be talking about that blue stuff Nash always makes. SAMANTHA: Oh sure. Bring in characters from Capcom and screw up their names why don't you, Kefka! >She didn't quite know what to expect at the >moment she opened her eyes, but what she saw was, frankly, very much void. NASH: Hulk Hogan's popularity! MARK: Ken Shamrock's interview skills! STEVE: WCW's booking capacity! BRET: WWF's undercard! RYAN: Robert Tsunai's social life! SAMANTHA: This fanfic! >She laid on a Sand dune RYAN: Never suspecting the sandworm approaching from behind and very happy for a warm meal... SAMANTHA: And the sand dune cried out 'Rape!' NASH: Is Kefka talking about that screwed up sci-fi movie? MARK: Kefka could be talking about hydroponic plant growth for all we know. >in the middle o f Sandopolis, a pyramid was close >by, all other directions lead to nothing more but sand as far as the eyes >can see. "Oh great..." She mumbled. "Sandopolis, spiffy, and me without >some sun tan lotion and a guide." SAMANTHA: But since you have fur instead of skin, you won't have to worry about getting sun burned. It makes no sense really! >The hedgehog rose from her position and >made her way to the pyramid. The gravel door opened STEVE: WHAT?! BRET: Must not rant... must not rant... >and she gazed into >the dark abyss, of the pyramid. <scorching heat, or get killed in the dark. Somehow I'm thinking I never >should have left Knuckles side.>> NASH: *Beautiful* use of sarcasm there. >sh e thought with very will aspiration >to enter. SAMANTHA : Be wewy wewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits. >Sonya stepped in and the door behind her shut, she turned and >slammed her fists into the door. SAMANTHA: Ah, a perfect setup for a female character to be captured... I am getting extremely tired of this. If Kefka doesn't show a strong female character doing something else besides being captured, I swear I will *tear* the screen apart. MARK: But women are weak and useless! Didn't you *know* that? RYAN : Nice knowing you, pal... > "Now, Now kid, you don't have to be trying to mess up the whole >interior." Sonya swirled around quickly and drew her blade. RYAN: And here we have a nice metallic gray/prussian blue combination for the blade... > Stand in >front of her was Vector, the large Crocodile looked at her and grinned. > "Vector! Thank Mobius! You scared me to death!!" SAMANTHA: Careful Sonya, just about everyone that was your old friend is working for Sonic. STEVE: If I thought there was any real chance of her getting killed, I wouldn't care. > "Enerjak was right about you, so the was the old hedgehog. He did >good in catching and bringing you here daughter of Robotnik." > "Vector. . . w. . .you're working for them now aren't you...." ALL: BIG STINKING SURPRISE!! > "Of Course, now, your gonna do what I say and retrieve the last >part of the Mobius blade." SAMANTHA: See? I told you so! BRET: Well, predicting that a woman's going to be useless in a Kefka story is like predicting that objects will fall towards the earth when dropped. > "Mobius Blade?! That blade belongs to me!!, Sonic has the blade, >you know where the flint is?!" SAMANTHA: What is he doing here? Shouldn't he be helping Tasslehoff and Tanis right about now? > "In this place, but it seems only that of Robotnik's blood can >retrieve it." STEVE : Beats the hell out of us why. > "Why don't you get Sonic to do it." RYAN: Because he's a lazy sod. > "Sonic isn't pure of Robotnik's blood. MARK: Neither is she! She's a *BLEEP*ing hedgehog!! RYAN: Yeah! Get it through your *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* head, ya *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* *BLEEP*!! Hee hee... >At least he use to be but >not anymore, RYAN: Yeah, a deus ex machina came by and scrambled his DNA. > now your gonna get it or Knuckles will die." NASH: Like she's not going to get it anyway. > "Knuckles?! Where is he?! What have you done!!??" STEVE : Why yes, Mr. Sinister Crocodile! I'll believe you without one *shred* of evidence! > "Do the job and he'll be safe, so says our master Enerjak." SAMANTHA: He kinda sounds like Rocky, doesn't he? BRET: *Exactly* like Rocky. When I get back to Earth... >Sonya >knew who Enerjak was, but had no idea how powerful he was. Sonya decided >if her love was captive she had better do what Vector says. MARK: And of COURSE she could take his word for it! > "Fine, what must I do?" NASH: Well, first you take your clothes off, and then you smear your body liberally with peanut butter... RYAN: That'd be too sticky. Now, whipped cream on the other hand... NASH: Good point. How do you know that? RYAN : I don't. > "Simple, the Flint is there," Vector pointed ahead, SAMANTHA: And boy, was that Hill Dwarf pissed! >Sonya squinted >and saw a small glint of light reflecting from something. "Since that >damn statue wont let anyone near the blade except that of Tubbies blood, >you gotta get it." SAMANTHA: So an ancient artifact knew all about a species that was made by science. Yeah, sure... tell me another one. GUYS: TELETUBBIES?! NOOOOOO!! > "What will it do as soon as It knows I am one of is blood?" RYAN : Throw a party. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?! > "I don't know, but you should be able to accomplish it. . . .For >Knuckles sake heh..." SAMANTHA: Oh, I could go for some of that rice wine right now... BRET: No drinking during the fanfic. SAMANTHA: Rats! > > > > * * * > > > Knuckles hated this, sure flying use to be one of his favorite >pass times, but to fly over deadly spikes with almost no wind holding him >up, SAMANTHA: Finally the laws of Physics kicked in, and Knuckles plummeted and was impaled on the spikes below. STEVE: So what's on Raw? >toward Sky Sanctuary was something that would not fit in his "Fun past >time" lists. RYAN: Yeah, because that was filled with Parcheesi and Trivial Pursuit. > The Echidna's doubt quickly vanished when he landed on the >green floating paradise. "Place hasn't changed much." He told himself. >"Just as perfect and peaceful as it use to be." SAMANTHA: Excuse me? A place full of spikes is peaceful? Doesn't anyone find this the least little bit disturbing? BRET: I think this is what the inside of Kefka's psyche is like. > "Not Exactly Echidna," Knuckles turned quickly his red metal claws >out. MARK: I'll take this rant for you, Bret. KNUCKLES' CLAWS AREN'T METAL!! SAMANTHA: Somewhere out there, Wolverine is crying. >The Purple and white weasel came out of the shadows and grinned. RYAN: Doesn't my color scheme make you want to cringe? >"Hello Knuckles, I think you know me... Remember, you smashed my face in >those years ago while I was flying my sky cycle in the floating island." STEVE : Remarkably, I got better! SAMANTHA: Before working as Guardian of the Floating Island, Knuckles worked part time as a mob enforcer. > "Sorry I've smashed so many faces in these years, you're just one >of the many folks who've lost teeth cause of me." Knuckles grinned. NASH : I'm a homicidal maniac! It's fun! SAMANTHA: Bet he made plenty of dentists rich. > "Funny, really funny, lets see how funny you think it is when >Enerjak rapes Sonya." BRET: Well, what little humor value scenes like that had wore off a long time ago. RYAN: They had humor value? BRET: Well, you know, in the twisted version of sex presented. We all know it's not like that. RYAN : I don't. >Knuckles' eyes became cold and he advanced on the weasel. MARK: NO!! Knuckles is trying to kill Bobby Heenan! STEVE: Damn you, Knuckles! He's the only *good* commentator we have left! SAMANTHA: Some visine will clear that up... Hang on, they're cold... Okay, read some issues of Playboy to warm them up. > "Where is she you bastard...." > "Tut tut! what good will it to do kill me when I've come to give >you some information." SAMANTHA: The weasel *IS* Deep Throat. >The weasel paused for a moment "Your better off if >you earn your information. Take out the guardian here, then maybe will >talk." NASH : Okay. Where should I take him? Does he like Chinese? > "Who's the guardian?" SAMANTHA: Why are you asking *us*? We don't know. > "You'll see, I'm sure he wont let you go running around his domain >undetected. By the way, my name is Nack. Ta-ta" SAMANTHA: His name is Nack Ta-ta? That's a weird name. MARK: Samantha, there was a period there. SAMANTHA: I know, I just couldn't think of any other riffs. >Nack waved his hand and >vanished into a cloud of smoke. ALL: >Knuckles shook his head and continued >upward into the zone. He came across the ruins of an old Sanctuary that >once held the most brilliant statues and pictures of the Old Echidna god. BRET: So the Echidnas had a nice generic god for their generic prayers. >Inside was Mighty, the Armadillo that was Knuckles best friend. "Hello >Guardian" he Whispered. SAMANTHA: Wow, that's some whispering! > "Its about time you showed up, now, lets play huh?," Mighty lunged >at Knuckles. STEVE : Freeze tag or hide 'n seek? >He gave a long sigh and didn't bother to defect the blow, >Knuckles smashed into an altar table. SAMANTHA: The hell...?! Hey, Knuckles, you're supposed to block with your arms, not your head! >Mighty pinned him down and laughed. RYAN: Yaoi... (groans) No way. There's only so far that I'll go... >"Are you getting soft former Guardian?!" RYAN: Not with the way you're stroking me... BRET: I thought you said there's only so far that you'll go! RYAN: There is. That wasn't it. SAMANTHA: I'm not soft, I'm just big boned! > > "I cant fight you damn it Mighty.... You know what our friendship >means to me..." MARK : You're the only friend I have who can buy beer legally! RYAN : (singing) You are so beautiful... to me... can't you see?! > "Our friendship is gone Echidna! Put 'em up! Before I knock em >up!" BRET [blanching]: I... really wouldn't want to *see* that... SAMANTHA: Is there a phone around here? Maybe I can order some decent scripts for these guys. RYAN: [singing] Put 'em up, knock 'em down, tie 'em up, let it ride, then get with your gal and take the day in stride. And your day will be over... RAWHIDE! STEVE: Is that the way it goes? RYAN: I don't know, but *I* liked it! > "Mighty, break the spell!" STEVE: Mighty should get his creator to come and save him. >Knuckles threw him off and leaped up, >he took off his metal claws and threw them to the side. "I don't want to >do this Might..." SAMANTHA: ... and Magic is a damn fine game! > "Its time to see who's stronger, The Rad Red, or the Mighty >Arma..." Mighty Lunged... RYAN: He couldn't even finish his sentence. How sad. SAMANTHA: But tripped and impaled himself on Knuckles' claws. The end. NASH: So what's on Raw? > > > * * * > > > > Sonya walked up to the statue and looked up at it. "O.K. Statue, >I'm one of Robotniks blood. Give me that Flint." RYAN: She's in like Flint! Hotcha! MARK: Dear God... that's an *actual* line of dialogue... SAMANTHA: I take it that Sonya hasn't seen any Indiana Jones movies. >Sonya advanced on it >ready to grab when something threw her back. RYAN : This one's defective! Been used too many times! SAMANTHA: Ah, I see the newest plot device has arrived! > <Hedgehog.>> SAMANTHA: Hey Bret, here's your voice of reason! BRET: Where the hell was this guy in the last part? > "I was once a Human, those years ago. . . I lived on Earth." STEVE: Wait a minute... Sonya is beginning to sound suspiciously like a self-insertion character... > <Earth then these questions should be quite simple.>> Sonya nodded. SAMANTHA : The questions are True or False questions. NASH : Oh boy! Multiple choice! I'm good at those! SAMANTHA : *sigh* Why me? ><> > "Nineteen nighty six" RYAN: Nigh... nigh... HOW DID HE MISSPELL "NINETY"?!?! ARGH!! MARK: THE HELL?! BRET: I sense this is gonna try our souls, guys... > <> SAMANTHA: Sega Inc. RYAN: Japan or America? BRET: Japan. Sega of America bites. > "....I forgot...." She whispered, a bolt of lightning struck her, >she screamed an fell back, holding her chest where it struck. STEVE: Good one, Mark! MARK: Thank you. I try. > <> RYAN : This time you get off lightly. Next time it's fifty whacks. >the statue's voice paused for a moment. <the mascot of....?>> RYAN : The bloody hell? NASH [shocked]: I... I have nothing to say to that... BRET: Stay calm! Everyone just stay calm! STEVE: This is like having the Senshi wrestle... I can't believe *anyone* thought of this... MARK: I have seen the fires of hell... AND THIS IS WORSE!! SAMANTHA: The hell...?! NO, NO!!! NOW I KNOW GONTERMAN IS CO-WRITING THIS! THEY'RE SERIOUSLY CLOSE TO RIPPING THROUGH THE FOURTH WALL!!! AARRRGGHHH!!! BRET: Dammit, I bet those *people* that kept showing up earlier have something to do with this! RYAN: But... how could he be a mascot when he's here pillaging the land... and the raping... and... ow, my head... > "Sega." SAMANTHA: Shameless Company Plug # 1. STEVE: Yeah! They made games much better than this story! [uneasy pause] Oh, God... that wasn't funny at all... I can't... I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!! [runs screaming out of theater] BRET: Uh... he just needs a minute... RYAN: How... how could she forget... when that was the answer to the PREVIOUS QUESTION!?!?! > <> NASH: Hey! I wonder what game this is! [another uneasy pause] Oh who am I trying to kid? AAAAGGGGGHHHH!! [runs screaming out of theater] BRET: This isn't a good trend... > "Final Fantasy 3 or Final Fantasy 6 in Japan" Vector looked on, RYAN : Either or. I don't know. Pick one. SAMANTHA: Shameless Product Plug # 2. >totally confused but listening carefully. > <> > "Ummm Sonic Drift 1?" RYAN: Which was yet another bad idea by Sega of America. > <> > "Yes if you input a certain code in the Sound test" RYAN: Tails... never was... in Sonic CD... (holding his head) Fourth... wall... breaking... can't... stand it... Author... doesn't even know... what he's... writing about... (stands up) TSUUUUNAAAAAIIIII!!! [runs out of the theater screaming] BRET: I can see where this is going... > <> > "Knuckles Chaotix" MARK [eyes wide in horror]: Why, God? WHHHHHHHHHHHHY?! [runs screaming out of theater] BRET: Hoo, boy. It's just me and you, Samantha. Are you up to this? SAMANTHA: I think I can handle it. > <> SAMANTHA: I get it! The author is proving to us just how little a life he has by showing his extensive knowledge of the Sonic games! > "Three Characters are Princess Sally, One is Princess Sally Alica >Acorn, red hair, ground squirrel. Princess Sally, she is in fact Amy >Rose, And England's version of Princess sally who does in fact has a long >squirrel tail." SAMANTHA: See? See? He's doing it again! BRET: Wow, I don't feel bad for knowing all of that pointless Sailor Moon trivia now. > <> > "Four, One is a Jamaican, SAMANTHA: Oh yeah? Which part is he from? BRET : Da part near da beach... BOYYEE! >the other is an Australian, the other is >a normal speaking All around American Echidna. And the final one is >Scottish made by Archie comics" BRET: Um... I've read Sonic comics... I don't think he was ever *Scottish*. > <> Sonya stopped for a moment and sighed. SAMANTHA : He has gone straight to hell, hasn't he? > "Sonic, there are an evil punk version made by Archie, the normal >huge ego one, the one I miss, and then there is this one....And of course >there's the Japanese Sonic." She paused. "How many more questions..." SAMANTHA: Ha ha! It's so funny how they rip apart the fabric between reality and fiction! I'm gonna burst my sides laughing! [Laughs in a disturbing manner.] BRET: Uh... Samantha... SAMANTHA [suddenly sobbing]: AAAAGGGHHHH!! How many more questions?! HOW MANY MORE?! > <any Special edition comic from Archie>> SAMANTHA [stands]: THIS IS SO STUPID!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KEFKA?! WHAAAAAAAAAT?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS! [runs screaming out of theater] BRET: Damn. Here I am, alone. I'm glad I've already had *my* breakdown. > "Either the Mecha Madness issue or the Super Sonic vs. Hyper >Knuckles issue" BRET: Exactly how could a superpowerful mystic force quiz you on an opinion question, anyway? >Sonya answered question after question with no end it >seemed. BRET: So how does it feel, Sonya? *I've* been going through this for the whole damn story! >She finally realized something and smiled. "For one who is called >wise, your really stupid. BRET: At last! A *grain* of truth! >As it is known, One s who answer questions are >not as wise as those who ask...let me prove to you I am wise enough to >option that piece of the blade. Let me quiz you..." BRET: Huh. Trying to make sense of that would really hurt me, so I'm not. I think I'd better go check on everyone... [DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...] Bret walked out to find the SON bridge empty. He looked around, already worried. "Guys? Um, guys... where are you?" "NO MORE QUESTIONS!" a voice howled from behind him. Bret looked over to see Steve come charging out of one of the SON corridors, furiously wielding his baseball bat. "The questions end *here*, Kefka!" he shouted vengefully as Bret. "Steve, wait! I'm..." Bret immediately had to dodge back at Steve began firing a flurry of bat shots at him. Bret dodged back and forth, finally blocking one with his arm and managing to fire off a rapid punch to Steve's head. His eyes briefly unfocused, and he nearly fell backwards. Bret reached out an arm to help pull Steve back up. "I... um... What?" Steve asked a bit groggily. "You ran out of the theater screaming during the story," Bret filled him in. "Then you hallucinated I was Kefka when I came out to find you." Steve suddenly looked very embarrassed. "Oh, man..." "I know, having a story get to you like that sucks. Where's everyone else?" "Back in the hallway. I'm not sure, but I think they had me standing guard." "Wonderful," Bret muttered as he went off to find them. They were sitting at the opening of the long hallway that lead to the staircase that went down to the engine room. The group did not seem to be good shape. Ryan sat shaking on the floor, muttering "Those questions... those awful questions..." Nash gripped the boy's shoulder, his eyes haunted. "I know, kid. I know." Mark's gaze was gloomy and distant. "There is no light anymore, no justice... there is only... *Sonic trivia*..." Even Samantha, the SON's most hardened MSTier, was sitting quietly on the floor, her knees ticked up to her chin. "Christ," Bret swore. "Come on, guys! It wasn't that bad!" "Actually, it *was*," Steve reminded him. Bret glared at him, and tried to reach his comrades again. "We can deal with this! I know the trivia's mind-numbing, but we've all handled worse! What about the sex scenes in the last story? Ryan, what about all of those CATS lemons? And Samantha..." Bret got down on his knees so he could look her in the eyes. "... I *know* you've been through worse than this. You said it yourself, no fanfic can break you!" "I th-think I might have been wrong..." Samantha trailed off weakly. Not even Kagato's Revenge could compare to the horror of Sonic Trivia. "Of *course* you were!" a voice boomed over the Satellite's loudspeakers. Bret looked back to see that T 13 had opened communication with them. "You never dealt with Vincent K. McMahon before!" Vince cackled a bit unsteadily from the depths of Titan 13. "Are you *drunk*?" Steve asked incredulously. "Of course not! More punch, Rock!" the evil overlord commanded. Rocky grinned and winked at the camera. "He just likes the Rock's *special* Hawaiian punch." Vince leered back at them through the screen. "In ten minutes, I'm going to cut the oxygen supply to the Satellite's living areas. You'll either go back in that theater and sit through *another* lovely trivia sequence..." Even Bret winced at the thought of that. "... or you'll all die horrible slow asphyxiating deaths! Either way I WIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" With that, the Viewscreen went to static. Bret smiled nervously as he turned back to his friends. "Guys, I know it seems like Vince is giving you an easy way out, but you *have* to get back in that theater..." "*You* go back," Nash replied bitterly. "I'm staying right here." "Hey, Bret... we've got another transmission coming in..." Steve said warily. The Viewscreen struggled for a few minutes to get a clear signal, finally managing to cut through all the snow to show a *very* familiar face. "Hey, guys? You there?" "ERIC!" the WCW wrestlers shouted in unison. They all broke and ran for the bridge. The others didn't seem quite so enthusiastic, but they were at least curious (and less suicidal). Eric was clearly transmitting to them from a Satellite similar to their own. At his side was a metallic, golden, spider-duck-puppet sort of thing. In the background, a blonde human in a jumpsuit was working on a red gumball-machine-puppet sort of thing. "Whoa! That's the Satellite of Love!" Ryan exclaimed. "Hi, Crow!" Samantha added with a wave to the puppet-thing. Eric blinked as he noticed the new arrivals. "Who...? Never mind, I don't even want to know. I've got to make this fast. I'm stuck up here with this guy named Mike and his robots, Crow and Tom Servo." "We're not *his*," Crow broke in defensively. "We're free thinking automatons. And you forgot Gypsy and Cambot." "Yeah, whatever. Look, this evil guy named Forrester is making us read this horrible fanfic. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it through! Servo's head has exploded 43 times, and we're only on chapter nine!" Bisch wailed. "Whatever it is, it can *not* be worse than what we're reading," Nash said rather aggressively. "I have to read a 17 part Dr. Thinker piece called 'Neo-Scouts'." "Thinker?!" Samantha exclaimed. "*Seventeen parts*?" Ryan added, his brain growing numb at the thought of doing a fic that long. "It's his first fanfic too. He makes the evil sisters from Sailor Moon R into Scouts, and..." "ARGH!" a voice screamed from the SOL background. "Gypsy, bring me another head," the human sighed wearily. "Anyway..." Eric continued, "*If* I survive I may be able to come back. Forrester has one of those Deus Ex Machina kits, too... and a sidekick that makes the Rock look competent. Hey, where's Page?" "No idea," Steve replied. "Well, the transmission's breaking up... I've got to go..." "One question!" Mark suddenly shouted. "What?" "The Eric Bischoff show... what the *hell* were you thinking?" Eric glowered back at them as the transmission became a bit more fuzzy. "That is a legitimate question. I mean, that segment was a total piece of crap! And you spent, what, about seventy *thousand* dollars on the set?" Crow began. The transmission faded out to the sound of Bisch telling Crow to shut up. The inhabitants of the SON could only stare at each other. "Well... who wants to read some Sonic trivia?" Bret asked. The others gave various nods and signs of assent... after all, at least it wasn't 'Neo Scouts'. The buzzers and lights went off at about the same time. "Good... cause we've got KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!!" [DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [All enter and take their seats] STEVE: It's true... there really *is* always someone who's worse off. NASH: Hot damn! Sonic trivia! MARK: Well, at least we know the story can't get any worse now. RYAN: I wouldn't say *that*... SAMANTHA: Umm... thanks for helping us out there. BRET: But I didn't *do* anything! Other than not go nuts, that is... SAMANTHA: I know but... uh... thanks for being strong for m... us. > > > > * * * SAMANTHA: Amazingly, all three of the hired Snipers bullets missed the author's computer. > > > Knuckles was getting tired, it felt like a battle that would rage >on forever, however he knew Mighty's weakness, and that was he didn't use >his mind to often. SAMANTHA: Hey, just like the author! >Knuckles figured if there was anyway to win he must >outsmart the Armadillo. STEVE: So Knux is gonna start a battle of wits where *nobody's* armed... >Knux ran quickly > towards the top tower, knowing very well if he took the battle to the sky >there's more a chance he would win. SAMANTHA: I haven't seen this much action since the last Koopa fanfic 'Boba Fett meets the Pizza Cats'. MARK: You read that one? SAMANTHA: Actually, no. I had some friends at the Anipike that read it and told me about it. RYAN: Koopa... ah yes! 'Return of the X-files'. SAMANTHA: You had to riff that one? RYAN: Yup. Was tame compared to a lot of the stuff I'd gotten before. > > > * * * > > > <> NASH : Action Jackson... is my name! SAMANTHA: Oh man. They're still at this? I feel like I'm in school. > "Humph! O.K. O.K. You wanna play tough...what is the hidden joke >in Miles Prowers name?" BRET: Where were you on the night of the 18th? > <you through toying with me?>> SAMANTHA: Please put that whip and chocoate sauce away. I'm getting tired. > "Not yet!" Sonya thought for a moment about her past human life, >riddles had always confused her, yet made her ponder on every part of it. SAMANTHA: My mind feels amazingly like pudding after reading that line. >Perhaps a riddle with no answer must be asked. "What's the highest >number?" > <> > "Do Flies Fly?" > <> RYAN: Oh... My... God. OF COURSE FLIES FLY YOU TWIT!! HENCE WHY THEY HAVE WINGS AND ARE CALLED "FLIES"!!! BRET: Ryan... calm down... remember Thinker... it could be worse... RYAN: (breathes a bit heavily) Right... right... > "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a >sound?" STEVE: If a tree fell on the characters and crushed them, would anyone care? RYAN: I know I wouldn't. > <> > "What was the first unrecorded language ever in Earth?" RYAN : Ugg ugg mugga wugg. SAMANTHA: Oh come on, now you're just growing immature, Sonya. > <> > "What is the Christian God real name?" > <of one had clapping?!>> the voice was enraged, just as Sonya hoped. RYAN: Here. [reaches over Bret and slaps Nash in the back of the head] Oh wait, he said one hand *clapping*... NASH [a bit angry]: Do you want to be Wolfpac or not, kid? RYAN [hides behind Bret]: Save me! BRET: No! MARK: Well, I have no idea how on *earth* Sonya could answer this! >He >prayers were answered when he told her to answer this question. In >response, she clapped her left paws fingers on her left paw's palm, it >made a weak sound of flesh hitting flesh. SAMANTHA: You can't answer that question! IT IS UNANSWERABLE! NASH : Why no, I didn't hear all of these riddles on an episode of 'The Simpsons'! Whatever would make you think that? >The Voice roared out in rage >for a moment, then silenced. Sonya wondered if it was O.K. To get the >blade now, before she could think more on it, the voice spoke. BRET : Okay, enough screwing around. Here's the *real* test. >< > SAMANTHA: Time to die. MWAHAHAHA!!! > > * * * > > > Mighty chased down Knux, screaming out for him to halt in the name >of Enerjak and Sonic. SAMANTHA : Halt... in the name of love... >"Yeah right bud! STEVE : This Jamaican weed is great, man! >You wanna stop me you gotta catch >me!" Knuckles leaped off the stair cases and glided under it. SAMANTHA: Hello? Dr. Thinker? Please don't write Kefka's fight scenes for him anymore. >Mighty >stopped and looked around, confused by Knuck les action, SAMANTHA: Non stop, knuckleless action! MARK: Kinda describes the whole story... >he was never one >to flee in the heat of a battle. RYAN: Because he was stupid like that. NASH: Yeah, tell that to the guys he left to Charlie back in 'Nam. >Without warning the echidna leaped up >and smashed into Mighty, knocking him off into the platform below. He >landed on Mighty and pinned him down. BRET: ... but only for a two-count! >"NOW!!! Shall we start talking >about you and Enerjak?" SAMANTHA: Okay, shift over a little... there! That's better! RYAN : We've only gone out once. I swear! You're the only one for me.... > > > * * *' > > > "Yes!!" Sonya pulled the flint from the cushion and waved it >around. RYAN: She's swinging it in the air! SAMANTHA : And swinging like she just don't care! >Vector walked up to her and smiled. > "Well done kid, now give it up to me so I can give it to Enerjak." >Before Sonya could decline a bolt of lightning struck dead center between >them, STEVE: Your aim wasn't so good that time. MARK: Well, they keep *moving*... >Enerjak appeared from the powerful charge and grinned, he snatched >the Flint and held up the blade. SAMANTHA: So a flint is a blade... That makes no sense whatsoever. And Enerjak should have sliced his hand off when he grabbed it. MARK: Eh, details. RYAN: And nice thinking. Then he could've bled to death. > "At last!! COMBINE YOU ACCURSED BLADE!!!" It shook for a moment >then bonded, the blade was now whole, its ridged edges gleamed >wonderfully. SAMANTHA: AHH!!! My eyes! BRET: But Sonic has the rest of the blade! She can't *possibly*... STEVE: No rants, Gretsky, remember? >Enerjak turned back to Sonya and smiled wickedly. NASH : *I'm* not wearing any underwear! RYAN: [and for the first time ever, Ryan pales and falls out of his seat] BRET: Wow, you've even affected HIM. >"Well done girl, as a reward, You will not die, but in fact b e once again >turned over to Sonic." BRET : Oh, well that's awfully nice of... *hey*! >His grin widened, "after I'm through with you..." RYAN: [climbing back into his seat] You'll never view Riverdancing in the same way, EVER!! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHA!! >another bolt of lightning and she passed out. MARK: Got her that time! SAMANTHA: AHHH!!! THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH THE WHOLE HELPLESS FEMALE THING THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE SERIES! PREPARE TO DIE!!! BRET: Oh no! Everyone, get down! [With a scream of rage, Samantha leaps at the screen and tries to punch it. However, her punch hits a force field and she is thrown back only to be caught by Mark. As he puts her back on her feet, McMahon's voice starts up.] MCMAHON: So sorry, Fallen Angel! After you nearly blew up the theater last time, I had some Level Ten force fields installed. So now you can blast and punch away at it to your hearts content and the fanfic will never get hurt. SAMANTHA: DAMN YOU!!! [She starts charging a Ki blast... a really *big* ki blast] BRET [standing and jumping in the way]: DON'T! The energy'll just bounce off the field and kill *us*! RYAN: And this is bad how? STEVE: Don't get *that* started again! [Samantha inexplicably becomes very calm and takes her seat again] SAMANTHA: Ooh... All right. But I *really* want to hit this stupid fanfic. BRET: We all do, honey. SAMANTHA: >Enerjak looked back to >Vector and nodded. "You have done well Vector, now, stand by, I will need >you and Mighty when we di scover the hidden Palace." SAMANTHA : Just di it! > > > > * * * > > > "That's all I know! Now let go of me bastard! You will never reach >Enerjak in time to stop him from island domination! NASH : He's conquering Indonesia and there's nothing you can do about it! SAMANTHA: With a magical blade, I highly doubt that Enerjak will stop at just taking over an island. >He serves Sonic, and >by god Sonic will get what he wants!" MARK : You want it all, but you can't have it... > "Not if I can help it..." Knuckles lifted his hands and struck >Mighty again. "Snap out of it Mighty, Remember, you use to value your >freedom over anything else, sides our Friendship!" STEVE: So what if he wants to be free of your friendship? SAMANTHA: Good way to remind him, Knuckles. Hit him a few more times just to remind him of *how* good a friend you were. BRET: If that doesn't work, then maybe Knuckles could try killing his pets. > "Key terms Echidna, USE TO." Another blow to Mighty's cranium. RYAN: Ah, I'd like to give ya a boot to yer gluteus maximus. > "Damn you! Fine, Take a rest!" NASH : Fine, you big poopy head! I'm just gonna go over *here*! RYAN: I'D like to take a rest from this fanfic... >Knuckles struck his comrade roughly >and the Armadillo passed out. MARK: Well, why the *hell* didn't Knuckles just do that in the first damn place?! > "Well done Guardian!" Knuckles turn around again to see Nack >Standing there with a huge grin. "Now, about Sonya..." SAMANTHA: She's a badly mutated version of Celes, we already know that. STEVE: She's kind of an Author Avatar, too. > > > > > > BRET: Is Pierce Brosnan in that? SAMANTHA: And they don't come cheap, I can tell you that! > > > > Sonya REALLY hated this, Blackouts were becoming quite >troublesome. NASH: Man! Don't you just hate it when you're just mindin' your own business, and then you black out and get raped by an Echidna? Doesn't that just suck? >As she was discovering now, back in Enerjak's Citadel, she >laid upon the bed, her hands and feet strapped and restrained by Enerjak's >Magical Energy. MARK : Okay! We've got another slow, relaxing rape scene coming to you here at WRAP. This one's from Kefka the Dark One, and it's called 'Enerjak and Sonya'. Enjoy. >She was still clothed, SAMANTHA: Oh thank god! >but from En erjak's look, not for >long. STEVE: Is anyone surprised by this now? *Anyone*? SAMANTHA: Hello, rape scenes anonymous? Could you send some people up here? We have a bad fanfic for you people to deal with. >"Let me tell you of Echidna civilization little one, perhaps that >will relax you." BRET: Yeah, nothing gets a woman in mood faster than a good history lesson. RYAN: BRET: I was KIDDING. RYAN: Oh... darn... >Enerjak, poured himself a drink of wine and moved over to >the bed, he sat down on its side and gazed into Sonya's eyes. NASH: Then Enerjak noticed the *good* parts... >Slowly he >removed his mask from himself, she gasped as the face of a well-toned >Echidna appeared. His dreadlocks were beaded, and he had dark eyes. SAMANTHA: In a fit of lust, Sonya forgot all about Knuckles, broke through her restraints and jumped him. RYAN: With the way she's been acting before, I have a feeling that'll happen. >"Long long ago, Echidnapolis was a striving city. MARK [suddenly stands]: DAMN YOU, KEFKA! Can't you name a city *anything* but 'something-opolis'? Do you *have* any original ideas WHATSOEVER?! BRET: Calm down, big guy. RYAN: Yeah. Remember this is KEFKA you're talking about. >It was still bound to >Mobius, Technology reigns supreme, However with Techno logy we found out >of an upcoming disaster. A white comet from the heavens... SAMANTHA: Oh no! Sephiroth got his hands on the Summon Meteor materia again! >Large and >unforgiving would soon crush the city and destroy all in its path. RYAN: And hopefully wipe out some of the bad guys in the process... HIT!! HIT!!! WIPE 'EM OUT!! STEVE: The comet had orchestrated a carefully planned coup, utilizing an extensive guerrilla resistance movement. >That is when a young Echidna Scientist, a female echidna, her name forever > lost in time, RYAN: Because the author was too lazy to think one up... > however kno wn as one of Knuckles distant relatives, found a way >to save the island from this threat. SAMANTHA: Couldn't she have used it to save the world? >Using all echidna's in the city, >they searched for the only natural source that might save them... NASH : ... the cleansing power of Tide. >the Chaos >Emeralds. As said in books, a dozen were placed, and wi th their powers, >the city was uplifted. Many Generations later, MARK: Star Trek Generations? BRET: As long as it's not Generation X... bleah. STEVE: Or Gen 13! >my brother and I were >born, his name was Edmund, and mine was Dimitri, Long at studies we worked >on creating a device that would slowly drain the chaos emerald and once >again make the floati ng island part of Mobius." NASH : Granted, it would be the part at the bottom of the ocean... SAMANTHA: Oh man, I feel like I'm in history class. *YAWN* BRET: Then by the story's logic, this *should* be turning you on. >He paused for a moment, >Sonya seemed Deep in thoughts, MARK: ...with Jack Handy? >even when he was younger, his brother had >told him he was fantastic in telling a tale, to best even the greatest >bards. STEVE: No, he said that you were full of bullshit. BRET: HEY! Where'd that censor go? RYAN: Aww man, you mean I can't safely say--mfflgphg? BRET: No. >As she was preoccupied he slowly began to move close r to her, he >slipped off her boots and kissed her small feet. SAMANTHA: ACK! Well, that certainly woke me up. Eww! Now I wish I *had* fallen asleep. >She flinched and broke >her chain of thoughts. SAMANTHA: >Realizing his mistake he continued to speak of the >past. RYAN: Fourscore and seven years ago... > "The Chaos Syphon, was the hopes of all echidna who wanted to once >again join with the social creatures under us. We delivered our speech of >the outcome, it would have worked, and it would have once again brought >happiness to those. NASH : Sure, it would've made life a living hell for everyone else and wrecked the ecosystem, but who cares? >But the weak willed fools fear it. They would not >take the small risk, my work, my time, MY LIFE was ruin because of them. MARK: Enerjak sounds suspiciously like a Stan Lee villain. >My cowardly brother refused to go behind their back and try it, but I >wasn't. My brother attempted to stop me, it was futile. RYAN: Sanity is futile. You will be nauseated. We are Kefka. > 'What has >begun...cannot be undone' as I told him. Before I became what I am to >this very day, STEVE: ... a half-assed rip-off of a Flash villain? >Enerjak. But before I could achieve total rule, >creatures.... BRET : ...Incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and became mixed-up zombies... >Simple FIRE ANTS chewed away at the foundation of my tower, >and collapsed it. RYAN: Yeah, well tough sh*t. Hey, how'd I say that? SAMANTHA: This sounds like one of those long, painful, boring, incessant, annoying Gonterman speeches. >Burying me, until nine years ago. Before that I had >over a thousand years to plan my revenge. RYAN: And after a thousand years, I could sure go for a couple hundred chili dogs... > And I was finally released...." >He slowly slipped her shirt off and gazed at her body. NASH : *Damn*! Lay off the twinkies, girl! >Sonya seemed so >deep in his words. "Tell me little one, tell me of your past, you are not >a Mobian....speak as I partake in you." RYAN: NO!! Not another damn story telling scene!! SAMANTHA: Hello? Sonya? He's taking your clothes off while he's giving you a history lesson. Do something about it! BRET: Apparently the feminine will is helpless before the pure eroticism of a history lesson. SAMANTHA: > "My life as a human. It had always been cold, rejected by my >fellow classmates, bad grades. Hated by most of my family cause of my tom >boyish ways. RYAN : My real name is Shinobu and my bad grades were caused by Ataru and his friends... > The only thing that would drown my sorrow and keep me going >was a interesting comic I found but a few m onths back as my life as a >human. STEVE: She's actually going *along* with this? God, this story *is* evil! SAMANTHA: Hmmm... I have this wild idea that Kefka the Dark One is merely another name that Gonterman goes by on the net. MARK: What makes you say that? SAMANTHA: The long speeches, incest acts, complaining about family life... Need I go on? >It was Sonic The Hedgehog Issue no. 11, I remember that comic >well, I still hold it dear to me. Soon I went on an all out quest to fine >the ones I missed, eventually retrieving all of them. NASH: Well, *someone* must've had a hard time finding a date. >Though my spirits >were lifte d once a month, I was happy, I use to dream of being in Mobius, >one night my dream came true. From out of the night a portal opened, and >told me, it said to me to come and become the legendary heroine of this >weakened planet. SAMANTHA: That is one hell of a plot device! Hey, do you think that if we all dream of getting off this satellite, a portal will open and we'll get back on Earth? BRET: Probably not. SAMANTHA: Damn! >I didn't know what to think , it was all too sudden, >like from a Comic book or Fan fiction." STEVE : You know, cheesy, unoriginal, and contrived. RYAN: Heeeeyyy... not all of it is crap. >She paused for a moment, feeling >Enerjak thrust deeply into her. RYAN: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! [slumps down into his seat, passed out] SAMANTHA: The hell...?!?! How did we get here? I thought he was still taking her clothes off! MARK: Well, that was a *lot* of exposition... >She held back the urge to scream and >spill herself onto him. NASH: Sadly, Enerjak wasn't stain resistant. STEVE: She's *enjoying* this?! Kefka, when I *find* you... >"When I finally chose yes, I remember being at >the boundaries of a Forest and a polluted city. I was also naked, and >still human. MARK: I swear, it even *one* Overfiend tentacle monster shows up... >I found a device strapped to my arm, what I now called a >'Morpher' RYAN: It's morphing time... Weak-willed Contrived Hedgehog Power... SAMANTHA: Damn, he's doing it again! > it allowed me to change my form to anything I wished, to allow >me to call any kind of magic, to use any special abilit y and to use any >weapon. SAMANTHA: Strangely enough, it had this mark on it saying: Made by D. Kintobor. Do you know what that means? >But it didn't allow me to gain comrades, I was kidnapped by >Robotnik's moments after I arrived. He questioned me, he wanted to know >why me, as a human, was here. STEVE : He also wanted to know where the hell I got off claiming to be his daughter... >Considering he said he 'Dealt' with all the >humans on Mobius, the > look in his eyes scared me, I didn't know what to think nor say. I was a >female human, no doubt the last of my kind and he was a male human, almost >the last of his kind. This could have led to very nasty situations." SAMANTHA: And it did. >Raw >energy was entering Sonya the longer Enerjak did his thing with her, she >felt such an electric charge SAMANTHA: *GZZZZ!!!* NASH : Ahh!!! >as he touched her breast and began to lick >parts of her not even Knuckles dare considering doing without her >approval. BRET [sarcasm on 'high']: OF COURSE! And we *all* know that guys who bother to get a woman's CONSENT before performing sexual acts with her are TOTAL WUSSIES!! >She shivered under his tongue SAMANTHA: So now she's a flower. Oh! That said shivered, not shriveled... >and continued her tale. "I remem >ber screaming as he began to touch me in certain sections, then something >happened, MARK: An ill-written and highly disgusting sex scene? >I hit part of my morpher and my body changed, into this, but I >was a yellow color. I sprang from my captors' hands and ran, I don't even >remember how far I got until I bu mped into Sonic. SAMANTHA: *BUMP* STEVE : Ahh!! My leg! >I screamed again, I >mean I knew who this way but I was seeing him face to face!! When we saved >each other. We Returned to Knothole, and I began my typical tourist, and >no life at all fan girl act. NASH: Well, *someone* was in character, for once. >Oh! Princess Sally!, Tails!, Antoine!, >Bunny" I acted like such a fool. But this removed all doubt in their mind >that I was a spy, as time passed I discovered I needed to locate the Chaos >Emeralds, that's when I met Knuckles, he was working on Robotnik's side. SAMANTHA: You know, elaboration during sex just doesn't cut it with me. BRET : You're remarkably calm about all this, you know that? SAMANTHA : I'm just letting it all build up. You'll see... >He almost killed my brother, bu t I tackled him and stopped him, we gazed >into each others eyes, and found a love." Sonya's lower lip trembled >violently, she felt Enerjak's erection flare up, RYAN: Is it over? ARGH! STEVE [hopefully]: ... thereby setting Sonya on fire and ending the story? NASH: *ENER*-*JAK*! I knew it! MARK: I guess this means he loses the Inferno match... >it would only be a matter >of time before he spills himself into her. "M..Many...t..Times, I've >h..held...him." She started to sob softly, Enerjak smiled darkly at her. SAMANTHA : I'm not wearing a condom, you know. > "You know, Once I ejaculate into you my dear, the force of eleven >chaos emeralds will enter your body. STEVE: Man, I *knew* this story was going to go Overfiend sooner or later... >You'll be mines forever, RYAN : Yeah, you be mines, bi-yatch. > I can ask >Sonic to let me keep you, yes, Once this is done you are mine, body and >soul. SAMANTHA: Boo!!! No man can own a woman body and soul! I swear, if this guy is in the next AAA tournament, I am going to kick his ass *so* bad! RYAN: Can I help?! PUH-LEEZE?!?! >Never has even one been able to resi st the power I forced into >them." She stared at him, her mind racing with his words, she started to >sob louder now, feeling helpless against this betrayal of her love. BRET [suddenly standing]: What, so now Sonya can't even control HOW SHE FEELS?!! [Bret immediately runs over to the screen and begins punching it, thoroughly enraged. Samantha and Steve are forced to pull him back] BRET: I HATE YOU, STORY!! I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU!! NO REAL WOMAN WOULD ACT LIKE THIS!! SAMANTHA: Bret, please stop it! You're going to hurt yourself! STEVE: I knew that 'no rant' thing wasn't going to last... [Eventually, they get Bret back in his seat] >She had been raped often, too often for a mear Mobian or human to survive >without ment al damage. RYAN: Oh sure, you realize this NOW, YOU INANE INSIPID WEENIE OF AN AUTHOR!! SAMANTHA: But then she started wetting her bed at night and going 'goo goo gah gah'." >However she too held the power of the Chaos >emeralds and the powers of beyond Mobius. But this, This was breaking >her, NASH: I think it's breaking us, too. RYAN: I think I broke awhile ago... I'm just trying to keep myself together. >Enerjak was making her so weak, this was different from her father or >Sonic or anyone else's rape, this was as if she was b eing raped by her >lover Knuckles. MARK: You see, story, that would be 'sex' and not 'rape', by virtue of the fact that Sonya LIKES Knuckles, and that Knux isn't an evil bastard like pretty much every other guy in this story. >She started squirmed in his hands, but this mealy made >him thrust deeper, ALL: BOO!! >that time had come, NASH: ...for she already had. Heh. RYAN: [screams a primal yell of the damned and leaps over Bret, grabbing Nash in a choke hold] Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!! THIS STORY IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU MAKING COMMENTS LIKE THAT!!!! NASH: Dammit, that's it... [Nash picks up Ryan and powerbombs him twice. Ryan is left in a twitching heap on the floor] BRET [smacking Nash]: I SAID NO VIOLENCE!! >she knew it as he did. BRET [growling]: If that was Kefka's idea of a pun... [Bret begins rising out of his seat again; Mark gently pushes him back down] >The bond of >her Emeralds and his were calling each other. As it was about to spill >into her, SAMANTHA : Spill on Isle Twelve. >a window shattered, RYAN: It's Stone Cold!! ALL [chanting]: STUN-NER! STUN-NER! >Knuckles ripped from it screaming Sonya's name and smashing >into Enerjak, leaving Sonya once away unconscious. SAMANTHA: Kefka, would you just give up the unconscious female thing already? It's getting kind of tired at this point. > > > > > SAMANTHA: Between us and our stomachs to keep our lunch down. > > > > "So, you made it, I was hoping you would former Guardian." Enerjak >rose from the ground and gazed into the Echidna's cold eyes, Knuckles held >out his red iron claws and smiled. SAMANTHA: Time to make like Mrs. Bobbit! *SNIKT* > "I wouldn't miss killing you for all the world." > "I didn't mean killing me. I meant the rape of your love." Knux >turned and looked at the naked Hedgehog. "She's quite a creature. STEVE: An incredibly strange crea... MARK: We've used that one. >Quite willing when you draw her mind into submission, tell me Knuckles, tell >me what you think of what I did..." SAMANTHA: You're a sexist jerk that's gonna get his ass kicked by a certain deadly redhead! BRET: Not if a certain 5-time world champion gets to him first. > "I'll make you pay for all this..." Knuckles lunged at him only to >be knocked back roughly, NASH: Because he likes it rrrrough!!! >Enerjak cackled and began to use his magical >energy it surged and ripped into the screaming knuckles. > "How does it feel to be at death's door once again Knuckles?!" SAMANTHA: Well they have this dreary interior decorator... Oh, you mean Knuckles. Sorry. >He picked him up and threw him against the wall, Knuckles was greatly weaken >by these attacks, STEVE: YOU THINK?! >never had such pain filled him. NASH: At least, not since Big Gay Al had 'filled' him. RYAN: [covers his face and groans] >He loomed over Knux and RYAN: Made him a nice fluffy quilt? >smiled darkly, his foot rammed into Kn ux's side harder and harder, every >kick and punch served to torture the echidna. "I kill you off quickly so >I can get back to playing with Sonya. MARK : We're gonna make it to level eight of Super Mario! >Soon this world will completely be >Sonic's and I will rule with him! And I shal~ UGARRAHHH!!" Knuckles hea d >his scream and the quick movement of something, Enerjak's gaze became very >obscure and finally he collapsed to the side of Knuckles. SAMANTHA: Someone had transported the entire works of Ratliff directly into his mind! ALL: YAY!! >Slowly Knux >looked up and saw Sonya, naked, shaking and holding the bloody blade of >Mobius, RYAN: Yes, the bloody weak-willed twit used the bloody blade to smite the bloody bastard, Enerjak. Bloody nifty, twasn't it? BRET [gasps]: Sonya did something USEFUL?! [glorious lights shine down from the heavens, and an unknown choir sings 'Hallelujah'] >Nack was by her side looki ng down at Enerjak, smiling slightly. SAMANTHA: A little necrophilia, anyone? MARK: If *anyone* makes *any* reference to me, I *will* kill them. > > > > > * * * > > > Sonya embraced Knuckles still holding the bloody blade. SAMANTHA: However, she lowered it too much and Knuckles was once again anatomically incorrect. >She >sobbed his name whispering words of a mad person. STEVE : Soylent Green is made from *people*! >"Don't ever leave me >don't ever leave me," NASH: *That's* our old, useless, co-dependent Sonya! >the blade slowly began to glow a bright yellow, >Knuckles let out a moan feeling his wounds heal wi th a loud suction cup >like noise, RYAN: Kinda like *THWOCK*? BRET: How'd you do that? RYAN: I... have no idea. SAMANTHA: Actually, it sounds more like a dozen tiny bells going off at once. >Sonya was soothed by the light. BRET : Pretty colors... >Her mind became clear from >the rape, she let out a small sigh and starred at the blade. "You're >alive aren't you..." The blade jiggled RYAN: Jiggle it... just a little bit... > slightly as if to reply. "My >goddess, RYAN: It's Megami-sama! Get it right! SAMANTHA: Urd? >the blade is alive." MARK: If it starts talking to her, I'm jumping out a window. STEVE: We don't *have* a window! MARK: Then I'll *make* one. RYAN: I think I'll jump out the airlock instead... > "And hold the key to stopping Enerjak or anyone else from taking >the ruin of gate." RYAN: Completely ignoring the RUNE that was so talked about before... > Nack interrupted. Knuckles was about ready to leap at >him when Sonya spoke out. > "Thank you Nack, for saving me." > "Was nothing Sonya, ya know how I feel 'bout you. NASH : You know, completely ambivalent. Now pay up! >but cant we >talk about this later? BRET: Can we not and say we did? >we must get to the Hidden palace. Sonya ask the >blade to guide you." Sonya nodded. > "blade of Mobius, please, we need your help, find the Hidden >Palace for us." SAMANTHA: The blade went on strike and wouldn't go back to work unless it got paid more. >Again the blade stirred and jiggled around, it pulled >Sonya toward Mount Fate. STEVE : Dammit! Am I going to have to get a choke collar for this thing? >As she was pushed faster and faster towards the >mountain she turned to face Knux and Nack. "Come > on! lets hurry!" SAMANTHA: Hey, ho! Let's go! RYAN: SAMANTHA: Not you. RYAN: > > > > > * * * > > > Countless hours of running through the large maze SAMANTHA: While we spent countless hours reading this fanfic. MARK: Countless hours of our short, finite lives that we can never have back... RYAN: I think I've aged a couple of years because of this thing... >inside the >mountain they came to a sector that was buried by stones, unmovable to >those without the aid of the blade. Sitting on one rock was the old >Echidna, he started at Sonya then Nack then to Knuckl es. "At last you >have come ......my Son." NASH: Hey! The old Echidna's going to change Sonya from a Dark Knight into a Paladin! >He removed his hood, Knuckles' eyes widen as the >face of his father appeared, his beard now stained white with old age. BRET: Yes, Old Age Beard Stain. Available at Walgreen's and other fine stores. >Knuckles nearly collapsed from disbelief. > "F...Father....H...how is this possible...." SAMANTHA : Well you see, it's called a plot device and it can be used for nearly any situation... > "This must be kept for another time my son, now, Sonya you must >open the gate and retrieve the Ruin before He arrives and takes it." STEVE: What, the whole thing? That must be one helluva sword. RYAN: It was a RUNE before... > "But Enerjak is dead." Replied Sonya. > "I do not speak of the Echidna of yore, I speak of Sonic, the >demon adolescent." MARK: Oh, like Hanson. RYAN: They're not adolescents. They're pre-pubescent. MARK: They're still demons. > ". . .it is you isn't it. . .Your The one that kidnapped me in the >first place!" Sonya raised her blade at him, knuckles pushed her back. > "No! Not my father, don't even try it Sonya!" He roared, her eyes >widen, he had never truly yelled at her in such a way. It hurt, her eyes >darted and back to Nack and moved to him. NASH : Hey! Get back here! >"Sonya do as he says and break >the granite" > "Fine." She rose her blade again, a strange illumination spilled >from it, it darted to the boulders and crushed them to sunder. SAMANTHA: This almost like the scene from Chrono Trigger when Frog used the Masamune to spit the rock blocking the path to Magus's castle. >On the >other side the glow of hundreds of crystals and mystical marble pillars >stood. BRET: Neo-Tokyo! >Standing in the middle of it all was t he fire ant Archimedes, his >bent Australian hat tilted to the side and his brown clothing covered in >dust. > "Well its about time you came back Guardian!" He leaped up on >Knuckles and smiled. "its been too long. Far far to long." SAMANTHA: Um... no comment. > "Yes my friend, thank you for watching the Master emerald and this >rune everyone is talking about." STEVE: It's hip! It's hot! *Everyone's* talking about it! It's the *rune*! > "Yes well this rune is important. Now, Sonya have it join with >your blade." > "How did you know who I was?" > "I know allot of things Sonya, plus Knuckles father told me." ALL: Wah-wah-wahhhh!!! > "How do I get the blade to join with it?" RYAN : Cry out "Crappy Kefka Plot Convenience Combine." NASH: Give it a T-shirt. Duh! > "Why didn't you say 'how do I get MY blade to join?'" > "Cause, it seems to have a will of its own, plus who am I to claim >a living being is mine too own." MARK [snorts derisively]: Yeah, you're not a *guy*! > "You are truly one of Pure heart, BRET: 'Pureheart'... which one was that? STEVE: I'm not sure... it was one of the Cousins, I think. >hard to believe you are of >Robotnik's blood." NASH: Yup. > "Damn it, leave my father out of this. He is a good man, its your >Mobians that made him who he was!" She screeched angrily. SAMANTHA: That has got to be the biggest load of crap I've heard since Gonterman's last rant! >Before she >could finish her ranting a magical blast of fire busted hitting Sonya and >throwing her to the ground. MARK: It's KANE!! >They spinned a round and gasp, Enerjak stood >there with Vector and Mighty at his sides. BRET: Oh, now the story's making fun of itself! > "Do you think a simple thrust of a blade could kill me..." RYAN: If only we were so lucky... > He >touched his blood soaked clothing "I'll make you pay for this Girl, and >you as well Nack, you betrayed Sonic your head STEVE: Which one? BRET: STEVE!! STEVE: Look, I think that's a legitimate question... >will be mounted on a wall for this." > "Sorry pal, I had a reason, we Returners just can't stay loyal to >him." Nack grinned and drew out a long whip. NASH: I'd prefer it if you got that chick Sonya from Battle Arena Toshinden in here with a long whip. RYAN: No... Boys Night flashback... SAMANTHA: Returners? Oh man, can't you leave a good video game alone, Kefka? > "As I suspected. You are a Returner, scum like you will no longer >be a problem once the rune is given to M'lord. I'm sure Knuckles, and >Sonya want to know why all this is happening for a simple rune. RYAN: And yet ANOTHER damn expository scene... MARK: Well, it's because this guy named Kefka thought it would be a good story idea. >Before I >kill you all, my Master wanted to tell you ." Enerjak dropped his staff to >the ground, a black cloud arose from it and a holographic picture of Sonic >appeared. SAMANTHA: The hell...?!?! Enerjak's alive? I must have missed something. BRET: Yeah, they contrived him back a few lines ago. Don't feel bad, I'm having a hard time following it too. > "Greetings Knuckles, hello Sister. I'm surprised you made it this >far, considering the fact you both are quite wounded, but more so that >your minds must be thinking partly of Miles and Sally. They are all >alone, what fun if I could capture them." STEVE : Oh, yes. What fun. > "You'll never find them Hedgehog, They are out of your reach for >now." SAMANTHA: Oh no. I sense another long paragraph coming on. > "For now..... but your not, Demitri will deal with you, but before >that, I just cant help but tell you my plans for the future you will not >be in. RYAN: Because we all know that the bad guy always loses after telling his plans... DO'H! > Picture a world corrupted by the dark powers of the demons. RYAN: Microsoft had finally taken over. NASH: I'm seeing Orlando. What next? >The rune of Gates is the key, the first of m any keys. In Mobius there lies >many, 27 to be exact, MARK: And I'm sure Kefka has a sixty-page magnum opus in mind for each of them. >that one here on the floating island is just the >first, it will lead me to the others, once they are gathered, then I shall >open the unholy gates and my powers shall finally concur this world!" [Everyone snickers] >He paus ed to chortle for a moment. "Then your resistance and the Returners >are GONE, a Holocaust of all who oppose me shall become! MY FINAL >SOLUTION.... A world of pain and suffering for me to feed on. SAMANTHA: Sonic sounds amazingly like Hitler. >A World >ruled by my fellow Demons, a world where blood wi ll be the lakes, rivers >and oceans. The Flesh of my victims shall be the ground, the bones the >trees that shade the darkness. The phlegm of their inner body ours to >bathe in, RYAN: [turning a dark shade of green] Oh yuck... BRET: That's really going to smell after a few days. >the world of the demons, and I SHALL RULE IT!!" STEVE: And then while Nagumo cleanses the three worlds, the true Cho-jin shall gestate for twenty years before being born to make the single new world! BRET [smirking]: And exactly how do we *know* this? STEVE [embarrassed]: Umm... nothing. >The heroes fell >back their wea pons out. "Deal with them Enerjak, brings their remains to >me." NASH: Yum! Sonic's gonna make some more sausage! BRET: NASH! SAMANTHA: I could really go for some sausages right now... > "Yes sire," Sonic's hologram disappeared and Enerjak picked up his >staff again. "Are we ready to play?" > "I was born ready to kick your butt Ener-ass." [Everyone breaks out laughing] MARK: Oh, Knuckles! You wit! NASH: Yeah, that's exactly where he was not too long ago... >Knuckles lunged at >him, knocking him to the ground. STEVE [Schiavone]: Knuckles with the spear, and... JACKHAMMER!! >Demitri laughed, with a movement of his >hand Knuckles was thrown back hitting the wall and collapsing to the >ground. RYAN: You twit! He did that before and you wind up making the SAME mistake! > "Who's next?" BRET: Are we allowed to do more than one Goldberg joke per MST? MARK: I don't *think* so... > "I am," Sonya rose up and waved her blade. ALL: Hi, blade! >"blade of Mobius >please, aid me in destroying this mad man." The blade wiggled a little NASH: Yeah, baby, just a little more *hand action*... >and a powerful wave of blue energy slammed into the villain. Mighty and >Vector fell back, mighty didn't get up but Vector > did and he screamed out. ALL: ... this fanfic SUCKS! > "Big Wave!" [Everyone does 'the wave'] >The fire ant leaped up to Sonya and screamed for her >to use dispel. SAMANTHA: Which spell? RYAN : DISPEL! DISPEL! SAMANTHA: What spell? I still don't see it... RYAN : We're gonna die... > A Tidal wave started to form from a hidden source, Sonya >screamed out the words, a strange silver glow covered then disappeared, >the wave went over them with no damage. SAMANTHA: Sailor Neptune is gonna be pissed that you stole her attack, Vector. > "Is that the best you can do?!" Chuckled Sonya. "I've played Final >Fantasy 3 punks! I know all the spells." They looked at each other >confused. ALL: Boo!!! >"Err never mind, Sonic Boom!" STEVE: THAT'S FROM STREET FIGHTER!! RYAN: Somewhere, Guile is pissed... >A blast of blade made from wind >came from the blade, RYAN: Wow... that's on par with a Ratliff or Thinker sentence... > they struck Vector and he c ollapsed to the ground. > "Excellent Sonya, but you trick cannot defeat me with such weak >attacks" > "We shall see!! ENERGYBANK!" BRET : Time to pay your DEPOSIT! > a small glowing sphere appeared over >her, "DEATH STRIKE!" RYAN: FUNKAY-HAMEHA! SAMANTHA: BIG ASS BLAST! NASH: I wish *I* had a super power... BRET: Well, if you make it into the next AAA you might get one. It's pretty cool, actually. > Lasers from an unknown force began to attack Enerjak >but to no avail. BRET: I don't believe this! Final Fantasy fanboy Kefka has not managed to use *one* spell from Final Fantasy 3 since Sonya said that! >"Impossible! FIREWAVE!" RYAN: SHAKIN' BAKIN' BURST! BRET: The hell?! RYAN: I came up with it. It's mine! > she stabbed the blade into the >ground, an explosion of fire ripped from there to Enerjak, again no effect >was made. "Fire 3! Demi! Ice glacier!" MARK: Please. Glacier never beats anybody. RYAN: Who wants snow cones? >All attacks were of no avail, she >had run out of magic points* "It...its impossible how can anyone!" > >(*=the Magic power that allows her to cast a spell, the more she cast the >lower her MP goes. A tip for those non-RPG'ers..:) ) SAMANTHA: Thank you for that enlightening bit of info, Kefka. RYAN: I still say MP shouldn't be used in a fanfic. Either that or use a gameshark and keep it at 9999. > > "I am not ANYONE! now SUFFER!! ETERNAL NIGHT!" a wave of black >mist circled them, Sonya looked around frantically her vision obscure, she >didn't dare swing her blade around in fear of hitting one of her comrades. BRET: No! We need to thin out the cast! >Enerjak struck her from behind, she coll apsed but rose again. "How does >it feel Sonya? this time there is no escape for you or your lover." >Another strike and Sonya fell, she heard the crack of a whip and howl of >pain from Enerjak. > "Sonya! Stay down!" Screamed Nack, he twirled his whip in >circles, SAMANTHA: Nash, don't you *dare* say anything here! NASH: That's fine. Ryan? RYAN: Now whip it... into shape... NASH: Nice cop out, kid. RYAN: Hey, I LIKE breathing. >it hit Enerjak again, he fell back quickly and use his magic to >try and avoid his attack again. The dark mist began to disappear, >Knuckles leaped up and tackled Enerjak again, Knux's fa ther helped pin >him down as well. STEVE: Too bad gang pins don't count... unless you're the Outsiders. [Nash suddenly gets very quiet and has a profoundly sad look on his face] >Sonya rose with her blade and advanced on him. > "There is no way to kill him, through physical or magical form, >and Mental does little.... SAMANTHA: Considering how little a brain he has. >There is only one way." The fire ant whispered >to himself. Enerjak roared out at his captors. > "You....Will...PAY!! ATOMIC BLAST!" BRET: SHARP SHOT! STEVE: SCORPION DEATH WAVE! RYAN: DISCO INFERNO!! BRET: Three of them? And why do they have such STUPID names? RYAN: Oh, *you're* one to talk, 'Sharp Shot'! BRET [suddenly manifests his pink battle aura]: Say that again. Please. RYAN: No! >Sonya started to scream >feeling her body on fire, RYAN: She's on fire! ALL: Boomshackalacka! > she and the others were flung off, still howling >in pain because of the immense heat that emitted from Demitri's body. > "Enough Demitri! Why don't you face me!" Growled Archimides MARK : Because you're butt ugly! Next question! > "Very well fire ant, you have caused me enough trouble as it >is...Ice block!" Cubes of ice started to fly towards the fire ant, he >dodged out of the way and looked around. NASH : Well, let's see how you like the *shaved* ice! >Nack recovered first from >Enerjaks attack, "Nack! Use your whip now!!!!" RYAN : Don't you think this is a bad time to be thinking of THAT... > The weas el nodded and >pulls back the whip. "Knuckles, ....my comrade.... Good-bye...." Nack >released, it struck Enerjak hard, STEVE: What, so Nack threw it across the room at him? >he opened his mouth to let out a >horrible scream, as planed, Archimides lunged up and screamed out "SELF >IMPLOSION!" RYAN: So he's going to collapse in onto himself? And that's to accomplish what now? > He entered Enerjak 's mouth and forced himself into his >throat. Enerjak gagged and tried to cough him up again. SAMANTHA Eww! He tastes like Diet Fresca! > "N...NO!!! Archimides!" screamed Knuckles. Demitri was now >gagging attempting to rid the fire ant from his gullet. He felt him going >deeper down his throat, the fire burning strong inside him. BRET : You start the fire in me! >"T...t...t...his...i..s.....n..n....o...t......p...o..s..s....i..b..l.. > ..e..!!....n...n..ot...b..y.. ..a.... >a.....s.i.m.p.le.......f..f.ire.....a..n.t....n...N..o....not......a... > a.g..a..i..n!!!" MARK: ...tHe MasTEr wOuLD NoT aPPrOve... RYAN: Hey Kefka! You need to learn the CORRECT way to do Shatner Talk! SAMANTHA: Uh oh. Looks like Kefka's keyboard developed some kind of spasm. >Hemanaged to choke out, the last words of the fire ant.. . 'Self >implosion.' NASH: Yeah, I bet Enerjak's well-schooled in the art of *self-implosion*... >came to mind, his body began to burn with the fire ant >essence, he screamed a scream of pain and horror as all went black and his >body imploded in on itself. SAMANTHA: WHOO HOO!!! WE'RE DOWN ONE CHARACTER!!! BRET: YES!! And it was the rapist, too! STEVE: It's Miller time! > > > > MARK: Actually, I'm feelin' pretty good right now. > > > They did not only gaze at what was left of their enemy, but they >gazed at a sacrifice made by a close comrade. NASH: So actually, two characters are dead! ALL: YAY!! >Knuckle was in tears, >however he did not sob, Nack looked on a lump in his throat, Knuckles kin >lowered his head and walked away. BRET : Well, enough of that... anyone for a Cappuccino? >Sonya just sobbed softly, how she >didn't really know the fire Ant she knew that he was one of gods most >humblest creatures. STEVE: Isn't that 'goddess'? RYAN: No, *Megami-sama*. I said that before. >"He was so brave." she whispered. RYAN: And smart. Death is the only way out of this thing... SAMANTHA: Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda... Just end the fanfic, will ya? > "He was once an enemy, only to be discovered to be an ally who >only tried to train me. To prepare for the horrors I would face, MARK : ...like this story. >just as >you did father." Knuckles turned to his dad. "What shall we do now >father?" SAMANTHA: Get busy with Sonya? > "For now Sonya must join the runes to her blade. Go up to it >child and press your blade to the rune carved into the wall ." Sonya >nodded and walked toward it. the rune was a strange shape, NASH: Strange, yet oddly alluring... >its sides were >ridged like that of a Dragons scales, its cente r glew with a green glow, >she tapped her blade on the rock, an explosion of light filled the cavern, >when it ended, she held the blade him, the imprint of The rune remained. SAMANTHA: I wonder if Kefka ever heard of proper spacing in a story. >"You Sonya now own the gate rune, you have the ability to travel back and >forth through a warp portal, but there are I'm sure rules to it. BRET : I'm sure we can come up with some reason why you can't use it. >But for >now the Floating Islands must be once again freed." He lifted his arms and >pointed to Vector and Mighty. "Rise and live again with clear thoughts" STEVE : Must... see... 'Dr. Doolittle'... Huh? RYAN: Hey, that movie was kinda good. Don't knock it 'till you see it. >They did just that, Mighty and Vector looked at them confused for a moment >then the flood of memories filled them. After a brief explanation on what >happened they made apologies. Now came time for choices. MARK: Boxers! >"Knuckles my >son, we have so much to speak about... but...before this, you must come > back to the island as the guardian." Sonya's eyes widen. SAMANTHA: And pop out of her skull. > "But father I failed you, I let the island collapses." He >whispered. "I am a failure." NASH: Pretty much. RYAN: (sobbing) OYAJIIIII!!! BRET: Alright, enough of the Dan thing. > "No no you are not Knuckles. SAMANTHA: I take it you're only a failure if you let the Floating Island get destroyed twice. >You can help re-build the island to >its once perfect nature." His father smiled at Knuckles. > "K...knuckles....We have to get back to Knothole, its been a >couple of days." She spoke very shakily, feeling those feeling she had so >long ago. BRET : Knuckles, the voices are telling me to kill again... > "Please Stay Sonya." He whispered. SAMANTHA: *sigh* Here we go. The decision again that will get Sonya pissed off at Knuckles *again*. > "No...." She shook her head. "No not again knuckles, you know I >cant, its either me or this island." STEVE: Why the *hell* is it so hard for Sonya to just live on the friggin' island and commute? Is this some kind of 'Girl Power' BS? SAMANTHA: No, Sonya's just being stupid. >Knuckles looks back at his father >then to his comrades, then to Sonya again, he looked down. MARK : Um... pass! > "Then I'm afraid its the island, forgive me Sonya." RYAN [holds up a hand]: Please guys. It's my turn. (takes in a deep breath) You complete and utter IDIOT! What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU?!?! You had the chance to do it all right again and you STILL wound up jerking her around!! I can't even believe she saw anything in you to begin with!! You picked the island over her the first time, You left her when the island 'disintegrated', in fact just what the hell have you done for her in the first place?!?! SAMANTHA: Nice rant. RYAN: I try... > "......How could you do this to me, again." Her eyes darkened, and >slowly started to step away. "How can you make me suffer like this >again?!" Sonya started to cry, she backed away faster, NASH : C'mon, c'mon, just a little bit further and over the edge... >"I hate you >knuckles ! I HATE YOU!" She ran out of the Hidden Pal ace crying. SAMANTHA: See? > "NO! Sonya!" SAMANTHA: You forgot your clothes! BRET: There's something I don't want to think about... > > > > * * * > > >continent, a few hours after the hidden Palace> STEVE: In Kefka's world, time and space are *literally* the same thing. > > "How could he do this to me after all these years..." She spoke to >her living blade. MARK: *Gee*, maybe he was *bound* by *duty* to serve an ideal *higher* than his own personal feelings. RYAN: I still say he's a bastard. BRET: Well, he's in a *Kefka* story. He can't help it. >It shook slightly as it to tell her it didn't know. "I >mean, I love him, I love him so much, but I've made so many sacrifices to >find and keep him. STEVE: Then just stay on the friggin' island!! It's not that hard! >I cannot lose Sally > and the others, not my father again, not Miles again. Do you know what I >mean?" The blade moved in such a way, it pressed against her shirt and >nudged in a caring way. SAMANTHA: Ack! Not *this* kind of scene! Anything but that! BRET: If this goes La Blue Girl, I *am* going to stab myself. NASH: I'm shocked, Bret! Who would've thought that an uptight jerk like yourself was actually a pervert deep inside? Tell me, do you prefer the cartoon or the live action? BRET [blanching]: Live... action? How the hell... NASH [grinning]: Very inventive use of plastics and styrofoam. OTHERS: NASH!! NASH: What?! RYAN: Though, you'd have to wonder who would be insane enough to try for that part... >She weakly smiled. "Thank you, I'm glad at least >someone understands." She looked ov er the edge of the island, tears >started to fall from her. RYAN: <'Tears'> I can't hold on much longer... AAAAHHH!! > "Good-bye Knuckles." She whispered, suddenly >something tackled her from behind gently, she screamed and dropped her >blade, MARK: Because that *certainly* wouldn't come in handy while fighting an attacker! >she was about to kick it off when Knuckles face appeared. STEVE: Sonya is haunted by visions of those she has wronged... > "Sonya I cant live without you, you are my soul and life, forgive >this stupid Echidna for even considering taking this island over you....I >will always be with you, no matter what happens." he kissed her deeply, at >first she didn't respond of the shock o f what he said. RYAN: He wised up?! Kefka... you have now graduated from "Utter evil" to "Insane writer" in my book... SAMANTHA: Okay, I'll give Knuckles this: At least he didn't make the same mistake twice. BRET: THE HELL?! Samantha, he just screwed over God-knows-how-many innocent people, perhaps even the *planet itself*, because his girlfriend is incapable of making a simple damn COMPROMISE!! SAMANTHA: But he did it for the woman he loves!!! Remember what happened the last time he did that? The whole island was destroyed and he *still* lost his lady! BRET: But she wasn't able to compromise! SAMANTHA: This is a Kefka story!!! Everyone's too god-damned stupid to think of something that simple!!! MARK: All right you two, break it up. NASH: yeah, you think you two were married or something. [Samantha and Bret blush big time but no one sees it since the theater is dark.] >Finally she >kissed him back, hungrily, licking his lips whenever she could. NASH : Tastes like chicken! > "I forgive you Knuckles, and I will always love you." They laid on >the ground, the echidna slowly removing Sonya's clothing. MARK: ARGH!! Cut away, cut away, cut away... >Her smile welcoming him. > ><> MARK: Thank you!! STEVE: I dunno, at least finally somebody had something not unlike real sex... >the saga continues! Now that Sonya and Knuckles got it >all straight, what about ol' Antoine and Locy? RYAN: We don't care! BRET: Well, it wouldn't surprise *me* if Antoine was really gay. RYAN: Bret... don't even THINK of continuing that thought... BRET: Oh? And what are you going to do? RYAN: Well... nothing, but *still*... >When they head off to >Dragon Mountain and forest they find a few things that were not on the ol' >romantic list! SAMANTHA: Locy finds out that Antoine is a dickless wonder and leaves him for Tails! NASH: But isn't he a dickless wonder, too? > >~~~Coming Soon~~~~ "Locy: Amazon Princess? Antoine: Virgin sacrifice?!!?" MARK: ASADAE: Crappy story? BRET: Virgin sacrifice! KILL HIM!! >"The Locy & Antoine Saga" > >Mecha Sonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories. >(Yeah right) RYAN: Nice to see you agree with us! > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~ >~~~~~~~~ > >CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . . SAMANTHA: Okay, that's it. I've had it. [goes to leave] BRET: There's no oxygen out there! SAMANTHA: Oh. I'll be just fine. Don't worry about me. BRET: No, don't go! You'll die! SAMANTHA: Okay. I don't wanna give Mcmahon the pleasure of seeing me give up. BRET: Thank you. SAMANTHA: > >Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : I don't think Sonic is in a good >mood. > RYAN: Oh sure. If I just lost one of my right hand men, my enemy had gotten a very key item I needed, and I lost my favorite play thing I'd have been ecstatic! BRET: What's your sarcasm level, Ryan? RYAN: High enough for Kenneth Starr to get it. SAMANTHA: Wow! I'm not even *at* that level yet. I need to build my expierence up a bit more. BRET: You just couldn't resist a Final Fantasy joke, could you? SAMANTHA: STEVE: Well, I hate to think the 'Hell on Mobius' thing was what he talked about when he was *happy*... RYAN: [looks at Steve, then starts waving a shinto ward] I ask thee, spirits of Ratliff, Gonterman, and Thinker... leave this poor soul... OUT OUT YOU DEMONS OF STUPIDITY!! STEVE: That's it. I have to kill you know. BRET: Back off, Steve. Fish in a barrel. Too easy. RYAN: Hey! >Knuckles / Red Claw : Knuckles Finally made a Right decision.. RYAN: Damn straight! BRET: That's *highly* debatable. > >Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : I don't think she likes blackouts. NASH: I wonder why? > >Enerjak: Good riddance!!! MARK: For once, we agree with Kefka! OTHERS: YEAH! > >Vector: Anyone care to see more of him? [Theater is absolutely silent] > >Mighty: goes double for him > >Knuckles Father: I didn't give him a name cause I think the "Dark legion" >story Archie is coming up with has his dad in there with a name.... BRET: Just admit you couldn't come up with a video game to rip one off of, Kefka. > >All other Characters are strictly extras in this chapter. > STEVE: Read: Expendable. RYAN: Just give them a red shirt first. SAMANTHA: Hey... is that finally it? MARK: We survived? BRET: Hell, we didn't just *survive*! We beat this fanfic! [All exeunt, rather triumphantly] [DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...] The brave MiSTiers walked determinedly out of the Theater. Bret immediately ordered the CPU to contact Titan 13. As the channel opened, everyone crowded together to make sure they were in frame. Before anyone in T 13 could've possibly reacted, Bret moved until he was mere inches away form the screen. "Yes, WE have something to say this time!" Bret hollered into the speakers. "And you're going to listen! Ready, guys?" On cue, Titan 13 was greeted by twelve Stone Cold salutes. Then Ryan, Nash, and Steve began fitfully crotch-chopping in the background while Bret began a Nitro-worthy rant. All the while, Samantha stood back and smiled. "Yeah, Vince, we're still alive! We made it through BOTH of your little trivia scenes, and the sex-slash-exposition scene from hell, JUST like we're gonna make the through the next part of this stupid post!! AND the next! So, Vinnie Mac, you can take all your gimmicks and kefka-fics, roll 'em up reaaaal tight, and then SHOVE 'EM!! The SON is still alive and you can SU..." He caught himself right before he accidentally uttered his arch-nemesis' catch phrase. "..er, BITE ME!!" he finished as forcefully as he could. In Titan 13, a somewhat shocked Rocky Maivia stared back up at them. "And you get on to *us* for havin' a potty mouth! That was a nice speech an' all, but the Boss Man is a bit *indisposed* at the moment." With that, the Rock grinned and pointed a thumb to the now-empty punch bowl. As if on cue, Vince pirouetted through the background of T 13, singing, "I feel pretty, oh-so-pretty..." The Rock simply shrugged back up at a completely stunned SON, and then hit the button. BLIP!!! \ / \ / \ / 0 / \ / \ / \ FWWWOOOSSHHH!!!! RYAN: (off screen) Wow, he can really hit those triple lutzes... ______________________________________________________________ BORING STUFF: I don't feel like typing a lot at the moment, so you can refer mostly back to earlier MWT posts. 'Neo-Scouts' is an actual Dr. Thinker story that I'd love to see MiSTed, and is as such property of Dr. Thinker. ASADAE is, as always, property of Kefka. ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended toward Kefka the Dark One/Metal Sonic. I know I razzed pretty bad in this one, but remember, it's all in fun. And I still love his work and wish him luck in the future! LYNX'S NOTES: Not too much to say this time, other than that the alcohol theme may be my was of saying I need a good drink. Thanks to SwathiHBK@aol.com, the Anarkist, KevinC and Johnny Hellfire for criticism and support. And, of course, to my talented Co-MSTiers! Oh, and no... I wasn't making that live-action La Blue Girl thing up. I saw a copy at the Charlotte Con. *shudder* JOLT'S NOTES: A live action La Blue Girl movie? Hmm... That would need a lot of rubber hoses and vaseline... YUCK!! I just grossed myself out!!! It's been great working with such talented MSTiers! I mean, the wrestlers are great and Ryan is... well... he's Ryan. Until next time, may your fanfics be good and your MSTies be funny! J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: (blinks) You saw a copy at... oh man, now *I* need a drink. Anyway, I'd like to thank Jolt and Lynxie for letting me in on this one. It's been pretty fun so far! So, until next part, Jaa na, minna-san! E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com E-mail Jolt: xwing@uniserve.com E-mail J-Boogie: Wholden535@aol.com ________________________________________________________________________ ><>