Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 104, round two: 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds' part two, WRITTEN BY: Kefka the Dark One/Mecha Sonic. With short 'Cid Highwind vs. Kevin Nash', WRITTEN BY: FunkyK2968. MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby, a.k.a. Lynxara. CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans, a.k.a. Jolt CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden, a.k.a. J-Boogie. Now, on with the story! ________________________________________________________________________ [Continued directly from part 1. All enter the theater and take their seats.] >< What the hell is the ship from FF7 doing here? BRET: This isn't Kefka! This is a short! STEVE: You're saying that like it's bad. NASH: Like there's even a question who would win! I'd kick his ass. BRET: No insult, Kevin, but it's a fight between a guy who has Materia and a spear and a guy who knows nine wrestling moves. NASH: Hey! I have more than nine moves! BRET: No, I counted. Kick, punch, clothesline, knee into turnbuckle, snake eyes, neck twist, choke with foot, bear hug, and power bomb. Exactly nine. >Date: Tue, Jun 2, 1998 19:11 EDT >From: FunkyK2968 ALL : It's got to be good... it's got to be funky... > > On WCW Nitro-live. SAMANTHA: Chris Jericho was whining his ass off. NASH: Hogan was turning a ten-minute interview into a 45 minute rant. BRET: Chris Benoit wasn't winning a title. STEVE: A main event was ending in a run-in. MARK: Nothing new there. >Tony Shivhone: "Welcome to WCW Nitro-live at Houston, Texas! Here tonight we >have the greatest stars: Goldberg, DDP, Kevin Nash, and many more!" SAMANTHA: BRET: A good thing Page isn't here or... SAMANTHA: Or what? BRET: ... he'd probably get splattered across the wall. SAMANTHA: Good fellow Canadian! MARK: You're Canadian? SAMANTHA: Of course! >Larry Zybisco: "Plus here tonight a new wrestler: Cid Highwind." NASH: 'New'? Then shouldn't he be wrestling a jobber squash, instead of fighting a main- eventer like *me*? STEVE: Well, it makes about as much sense as the rest of our booking... BRET: Wait... wait... maybe he'll pull a '1-2-3 Kid'... SAMANTHA : He just got in from transporting Cloud, Tifa and the gang to Midgar. >Tony Shivhone: "Here announcing tonight is Tony Shivhone, 'The Living Legend' MARK: That 'Shivhone' spelling is really going to bother me. I don't even *like* Schiavone. SAMANTHA: Captain America? >Larry Zybisco, and Cloud Strife." BRET: As an *announcer*? >Cloud Strife: "How do I put this thing on?" NASH : Oh, I told Tifa that I can't wear cotton panties. They have to be satin! BRET: NASH! >Larry Zybiso: "Here....you got real spiky hair, kid." STEVE: Nash, you're really tall. NASH: Why, thank you, Steve. And you look a lot like the Crow. SAMANTHA: *POKE* MARK <'Zybisco'>: AHHH, MY EYE!!! >Cloud Strife: "There we go." > >Tony Shivhone: "Right now..." SAMANTHA: Right now!!! Hey, for tomorrow... >NWO music plays. >Larry Zybisco: "Oh, great. You know what's going on when you here that music." BRET: It's time for a bunch of guys to stand around and play second-banana to Hogan! STEVE: You'd know... SAMANTHA: This short sucks! >Hollywood Hogan with Giant, The Dicipal, MARK: Formerly Brewtis Bifkeik. > Vincent(NWO Vincent), NASH: As opposed to the WCW Vincent and the Wolfpac Vincent and the Raven's Flock Vincent... STEVE: I prefer the NWA Vincent myself. >and Scott >Norton walks to ring, BRET: Y'know, Scott doesn't walk so much as he just follows his gut. > also with Eric Bischoff. >Eric Bischoff: "Yes everyone, we love you too!" STEVE : I love you... you love me... BRET: GAH!! Never do that again!! >Tony Shivhone: "Oh, shut up." STEVE: Jeez! I guess the fact that Schiavone hates wrestling and everything involved with it is finally surfacing. NASH: That would explain why he never actually talks about a match... >Eric Bischoff: "Glad to feel the love here tonight! ALL : Can you feel... the love tonight... >Now there was supposed to >be a match...involving Hollywood Hogan, and Kevin Nash. MARK: Sure, we *could've* used it as the main event for Starrcade... but what the hell! >But JJ Dillan canceled it. WCW has a new member. So JJ decided to put the new >member against Nash." SAMANTHA: Which means that he'll get his ass royally whipped! BRET: Yes, another brilliant decision from J.J. "submissions are legal" Dillon. >Hogan: Steals the microphone from Bischoff. SAMANTHA: : WHAAA!!! Hogan stole my microphone! > "Nash you think you've got it >pretty good right now. NASH: Hogan, I'm stuck in a Satellite, having to read really crappy fanfics, and the only woman aboard doesn't like me. Yeah, I've got it just freakin' fine. >But you'd better worry because you're still going to >face me at Thunder! SAMANTHA : I am the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!!! >An' Macho Man Randy Savage also has it pretty unlucky. SAMANTHA: Yeah, I heard he broke a few mirrors. STEVE: Maybe his vocal cords finally just gave out. MARK: Or he actually found out what they put in Slim Jims. >He's gonna have to face my Giant...the real Giant... BRET: Andre? >Giant next week at Nitro >taking place in St. Paul, Minnesota. But that doesn't take away my chance for >the main event here tonight after Nash takes his beating I want to make >sure Sting get's his beating." SAMANTHA: You would figure Hogan would have a heart attack after such a long run-on sentence. NASH: Ha! You should hear how he really sounds! STEVE: Grrrrrrrr... SAMANTHA: Easy, I'll get the Holocabana working later so you can beat up on some hologram Hogans, ok? STEVE: Okay. > >NWO walks out. >Tony Shivhone: "Wonder what the new wrestler looks like..." >Cloud Strife: "Well, Cid is pretty good friend of mine. He's here with me, >Cait Sith, and Jerry." MARK: Oh, good! Jerry's my favorite Final Fantasy character. SAMANTHA: Not Jerry Seinfield. BRET: Or Jerry Springer! Ick! >Larry Zybisco: "Who're they?" BRET : What?! You've never played Final Fantasy VII?! Prepare to face my wrath! BAHAMUT ZERO!! >Cloud Strife: "You'll find out." > >Five matches go by. SAMANTHA: That's it? Just five matches? Geez, Koopa had better fights scenes then this fanfic! J-BOOGIE: Sad to say, that's very true. BRET: Go away! J-BOOGIE: Oh yeah?! Make me! SAMANTHA: Say, is that Cutey Honey over there? J-BOOGIE: REALLY?! WHERE?! SAMANTHA: Kinda pathetic, really... >Cid Highwind's music plays(the music when you first meet Cid on FF7). >Cid walks into the ring with Cait Sith, and Jerry. NASH: Who the f*ck is Jerry?! >Jerry: Has the mic. "As you might expect this guy right here would be the new >guy. His name's Cid Highwind. He's gonna be facing Kevin Nash. I'm Jerry >Hough. BRET: Haught? STEVE: INSANE! >Tonight I'm gonna be the special guest referee." Hands mic. to Cid. SAMANTHA: Which means that he's gonna get pasted accidentally at least *once* in this match. MARK: I dunno. 'Special guest referees' usually end up picking a fight with one of the wrestlers. >Cid: "Nash, you'd better watch out. Cid's got his own special moves like your >Jack Knife Power Bomb." BRET : Cid enjoys talking in the third person. Cid's so full of himself Cid's sure to win! NASH : Of course, I'm not going to tell you what they *are*... >Cloud Strife: "He hasn't been practicing." BRET : Yeah, my friend pretty much sucks. > >More matches go by. Goldberg beats Norton, STEVE: You're *kidding*! Goldberg WON?! NASH: Yeah, but this is just a fanfic. Not much credibility from *that*. >DDP beats Chris Benoit, Booker T. NASH: Booker T. Washington is back from the dead, and kicking ass! >and Stevie Ray beats Chavo and Eddy Guerrero, and Macho Man beats Fit Finley. SAMANTHA: Oh man! The action is just so god-damned exciting!!! It's just like watching the real Nitro! >Larry Zybisco: "Now it's already 9:28. That means..." SAMANTHA: It's Miller time! MARK: If I'm correct, that's about halfway through Nitro on Eastern Standard Time. I doubt there's an hour and a half match ahead... NASH: Eh, we'll just say that we're out of time and show a lot of Monkeyed Movies. >Wolfpac music plays. >Kevin Nash walks out and into the ring. BRET: Stuff happens. People die. >Cid Highwind's music plays. Cid with Cait Sith and Jerry walk into the ring. BRET: Ouch! I bet that hurt. >Jerry not at all wearing the referee uniform. NASH: In fact, Jerry not at all wearing *anything*! STEVE: Dammit, Nash, I'm gonna have to sit through Kefka *anyway*... >Cloud Strife: "Now this's gonna rock guys, you watch." MARK <'Shivhone'>: Gee, that's only our *job*. > >Bell rings. BRET: Guys fight. One wins. Fic sucks. We sulk. >Cid and Nash face each other walking around the ring. >Jerry ready to see some action. BRET: Jerry gets his ass kicked by Nick Patrick for taking his job. >Cait Sith cheering Cid on. NASH : Cid! Cid! He's my man! STEVE: Urk... don't say that! >Finally they start. >Nash gives Cid a punch in the stomach. NASH: Happy birthday! >Cid bounces off the ropes MARK: THWAK! STEVE: BOING! BRET: OW! MY EYE! >and elbows Nash in the face. ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD!! >Nash falls down hard. NASH: Alright!! Who the hell forgot my pillow?!?! >Cid climbs up to the turnbuckle and leg drops on Nash. SAMANTHA: *YAWN* Hey guys, wake me up when this is done. NASH: If you're *really* bored... SAMANTHA: Shut up, Nash. >Cid going for a cover but Nash get's his hand on the rope before Jerry can do BRET: What? The dew? The cabbage patch? A porno star? >the count. BRET: Oh. >Cid kicks the arm and kicks Nash in the chest. Nash get's up and does a suplex >on Cid. >Cid does his Highwind kick on Nash, knocking him down. STEVE: Cid has all the wrestling versatility of Glacier. I bet the 'Highwind Kick' is even a superkick! >Cid picks Nash and does a back breaker on Nash. MARK: Then Taka Michinoku defeats Kane via Gorilla Press Slam. >Nash get's up and kicks Cid in the chest, then he throws him to the turn >buckle and kicks Cid. SAMANTHA: And here I had thought that Nash had been knocked out cold. Silly me. BRET: Actually, Samantha, you can't knock anyone out with a backbreaker. It would have to be a DDT, or maybe a frankensteiner or a flying head scissors. SAMANTHA: You make wrestling sound a lot more complicated than two guys pretending to hit each other. BRET: Well, it is if you're any *good*. >Nash continuing to beat on Cid. NASH: I told you! Bitch better have my money! STEVE [holds his head]: NOOOOOO!! >Finally Cid fell and Nash went for his cover. BRET : I need my security blankey! >Only Cid kicks out. >Nash lifting Cid up, puts Cid in between his legs SAMANTHA: EWWW!!! NASH: No! It's not like that! That's just the setup to my finisher! >and Jack Knife Power Bombs >Cid. STEVE: Now that you mention it, Nash, the setup for the Power Bomb is fairly... *fruity*... NASH: Shut up! I kicked your ass with it! SAMANTHA: Whew! Had me worried there for a moment. >Nash going for his cover but Caith Sith comes in and knocks Nash off Cid. >Nash get's up and punches Cait Sith, kicks him and Jack Knife Power Bomb's >him. BRET: How? Cait Sith doesn't have a neck! STEVE: Well, depends if he did it to Sith himself or the moogle. >Jerry scolding Cait Sith. SAMANTHA : Bad stuffed Moogle! Bad stuffed Moogle!!! >Kevin Nash going for his cover. MARK: ... of 'Stairway to Heaven.' STEVE: Why can't anyone just leave Zeppelin songs alone? >Cid slowly get's his hand on the ropes, getting a two count. BRET : Two! Two mat slaps! Ah-ah-ah... SAMANTHA : One! One crappy short-fic! Ah-ah-ah... >Kevin Nash kicks Cid's arm. Then punches Cid in the face and goes for another >cover. SAMANTHA: Why doesn't Cid just use the Summon Ifrit materia and fry Nash with it? NASH: Ha! That wouldn't work! What's an 'Ifrit', anyway? >Cid kicks out. >Cloud Strife: "C'mon Cid! You can do better than that." BRET: No he can't. He didn't practice, remember? >Nash picks Cid up and elbows him in the face. >Cloud Strife: "This doesn't look good, I gotta get down there." MARK : Sure, he can summon the Highwind to nuke his opponent, but *I* use a big sword! >Larry Zybisco: "Yeah, you'd better." SAMANTHA : Or else our ratings are gonna suck. >Tony Shivhone: "Good luck kid." MARK <'Shivhone'>: Sure, go ahead and interfere in the match. We don't care. SAMANTHA : Don't forget your Bahamut materia! >Cloud runs in the ring and kicks Nash in the stomach. STEVE: Screw your sword and your magical powers! Just use a plain 'ol kick! >But Nash punches Cloud and does a pile driver on him. >Cloud's out. SAMANTHA: Boo!!! Cloud can take more punishment then that! He's at level 30! NASH: Ha! I'm at level 60! What does that mean, anyway? >Nash does a pile driver on Cid. >Cid's out. NASH: Of the closet. BRET: He can't believe that Kevin Nash used an *actual* wrestling move! >Nash goes for a cover. >1, 2, 3. >Bell rings. MARK: Ho-hum. >Tony Shivhone: "Your winner.....Kevin Nash!!!" >Larry Zybisco: "Wolfpac in da hooouse!!!!" ALL: THE HELL?! STEVE: So in FunkyK's world, Zbysco's into rap? BRET: No, he just recently joined the Nation of Exaggeration. >Red and Black NWO music plays. >Jerry holding up Nash's hand. NASH: Give that back! I need it! SAMANTHA: A vigilante and four wrestlers are bored. > > Cid wakes up. "What the hell was that?" Cid asks. BRET : I dreamt I was in a horrible fanfic! >"Weird dream...and why >have acting bad like that on t.v.?" MARK: Why have writing bad like this on the net? BRET: Be nice, Mark. FunkyK's not that bad. MARK: You know how I get when people disparage wrestling... >Cid sighed. Cid nods his head. "And who's >Kevin Nash. SAMANTHA: The big goofy guy that keeps hitting on me! NASH: Well, *big* is right... SAMANTHA: That's your last warning, hentai! >In real life I'd probably whoop him," Cid lays back down. STEVE: So Cid's a Stone Cold fan! It all makes sense! >"An' >Cloud's actually a good fighter. Jerry wouldn't do that...would he?" Cid said. BRET: I dunno.You mind telling us WHO THE HELL JERRY IS? >Cid closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. Snoring. SAMANTHA: Which is exactly what that short was making us do. > >NWO red and black attack rocks! The end.>> SAMANTHA: Thank god! MARK: I wonder why Vince sent us that... NASH: Because it's just TOO SWEEEEEEET!! STEVE: Yeah, whatever. [DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... The Viewscreen lit up with a transmission from Titan 13 almost as soon as the MSTiers stepped out of the theater. "Hello, Hollywood Blondes! Wondering why I postponed your Kefkariffic main event?" Vince said with his usual maniac grin on his face. "Well, I was just planning on accepting it with Zen-like calm..." Bret said. The others nodded. Anything was better than Kefka. Vince, apparently not even noticing, went on. "It's because I came up with a BRILLIANT idea while I was fixing the Doomsday Machine. So while it recharges, we're going to do a Gimmick Exchange!" "A *what*?" Samantha asked. "It's where Vince makes us give him a wrestling idea in return for one of his. I don't know why he does it... and he hasn't even given us time to come up with one this week!" Steve replied. "No Gimmick? You know what that means... Rocky, beam a Jim Duggan match into their minds," Vince said to his assistant/butt-kisser, Rocky Maivia. Everyone on the Satellite (except Samantha, since she didn't know who Jim Duggan was,) screamed as Rocky's hand moved towards the sinister Button. The only thing worse than Kefka was Jim Duggan! "Wait! I have something!" Mark suddenly cried out. He darted away for a minute, and then returned with a mysteriously convenient blackboard and chalk. "You see, I've come up with a way to numerologically prove that J.J. Dillon is Satan and Chris Jericho is God. As you know, 'Dillon' is spelled with six letters while 'Jericho' is spelled with seven. This is only the beginning of an intense conspiracy..." Mark was already furiously writing out names and diagrams. Vince glared at him through the monitor, clearly not amused. "It's been done," he said. "You're kidding! It has? Really?" Mark was quite taken aback. "I thought I was the only person who had that much time on his hands." "Nope, you were beaten to it," Vince added. "It was a good try," Bret said to a very disappointed Mark. "Now, prepare to feast you eyes on my idea! Rock?" Vince asked expectantly. Rocky appeared on the viewscreen a moment later, wheeling a cart loaded with heads that had apparently been ripped off department-store dummies. The heads were all dressed in various festive costumes. Rocky flashed them a grin and began, "Well, it ain't no secret that the most popular manager in wrestlin' today is Al Snow's Head." Vince added, "So I've decided to capitalize on that success by releasing a series of Head actions figures! Collectors will love them for their exquisite detail and increasing market value due to my erratic shipping practices..." "... and the kids'll love 'em cause they're just so damn much fun," Rock finished. "There's Killer Commando Head, with authentic WWI battle helmet and a live grenade that you can stuff up in her secret compartment before letting your bratty little brother have his turn!" "There's Malibu Dreams Head, with an overpriced haircut and a face that just says 'I'm better than you'." "Then there's Goth Head, with real working fangs!" "My First Head, made outta soft foam that won't hurt the little ones!" "Self-Insertion Head, with glowing eyes and unholy powers!" "Cheerleader Head, with life-like sucking action!" "And there's so much more," Vince finished. "Soon, everyone will be able to experience the magic of the Head. Any opinions, boobies?" Samantha stared at the screen, blinked, and then finally said, "That's really screwed up." Vince glared back at the screen, unamused. Rocky saw this and proceeded. "Well, the Rock says know your damn role! We come up with the ideas, and you get your asses into the theater for a second shot of 'A sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds'!" "I LIKED IT!! I REALLY DID!" Nash screamed in futility at the screen as the lights and buzzers went off. "NO MORE KEFKA!" "Too late!" Bret said. "Into the theater, cause we've got KEFKA SIIIIIIGN! [DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [All enter the theaters and take their seats] ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><><> ><><> SAMANTHA: Oh boy! More stuff! BRET: Maybe this is Kefka's way of telling us that he's a devout Christian. MARK: I think writing bad Sonic fanfics breaks at least one commandment. >{DUE TO VIOLENT CONTENTS, AND PROFANITY READERS DISCRETION IS >ADVISED } SAMANTHA: This fanfic lacks proper grammar, a plotline, and contains spelling that will make your eyes bleed. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><><> ><><> >A Sonic The Hedgehog Story >~-<{<>}>-~ (PART2) "Just a Matter of >TIME" SAMANTHA: Wasn't that a Star Trek episode? STEVE: Yeah, but it's also a cliché, and we all know how fanfic authors *love* those... >Written by: Mecha Sonic Kefka the Dark One SAMANTHA: Who will forever live in infamy alongside Oscar and Gonterman. MARK: Like I said, the Pit of Kefka. Watch for it! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ SAMANTHA: They *still* haven't finished that double lane highway? >Dedicated to: Locy&Jai, Leo, All my Cserve friends, all my AOL buddies, J-BOOGIE: Ya see?! It's people like this that give AOL a bad name! SAMANTHA: No, high prices- BRET: -too many problems- MARK: -and too few servers is what gives AOL a bad name. J-BOOGIE: Yeah... uh... but... these people don't help! SAMANTHA: Oooh! Is that Urd I see? J-BOOGIE: Urd-sama!! SAMANTHA: Hmm, kind of like handling Nash. >Annie Arellano, NASH: And the *fine* people who keep furry hentai alive. BRET: NASH! No insults! Do you want to get Lynxara stuck in a flame war with Kefka? STEVE: Yeah, and Jolt and J-Boogie are already having net loon problems. SAMANTHA: Guys, the fourth wall's getting ready to fall and crush us. J-BOOGIE: I do NOT have net loon problems! They have problems with me. >and of course the man who created Sonic The Hedgehog, and >the man who created Final Fantasy 3. SAMANTHA: Who would probably be pretty pissed off at how badly his game was ripped off. MARK: Why's it have to be a *man*? Why can't a *woman* make good video games? SAMANTHA: I like you. NASH: >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ >Letter Response: I was hoping Anyone with comments, Idea, SAMANTHA: I've got an idea for ya: STOP WRITING! BRET: Or at least use another video game! MARK: Nonononono! He could've used Mario Brothers. STEVE: Mario as an evil dictator who... [pales and falls out of his seat] >or wish to ask >for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the >following Addresses...... >104643.1572@Compuserve.com >MetalSonic@AOL.Com SAMANTHA: Beelzebub666@Hades.com MARK: Too bad it couldn't be his *home* address. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ SAMANTHA: Turn South on Highway 97 before... >Lawful Crap: Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and >all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA, >Archie Comic publication, DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday Cartoon, NASH: Proving that not only are they DIC's, but they make old DIC cartoons. >and SEGA of AMERICA. Other such Characters are created from the minds of >Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez and Alex Arellano NASH: And trust me, they'll all *pay* for their role in this as well. SAMANTHA: What minds? LYNXARA: What are you people trying to do? Get me mail bombed to death? BRET: THE HELL?! JOLT: Easy, Lynxara, they're only riffing. SAMANTHA: Jamie?!? JOLT: Whoops! Gotta go! MARK: No comment. >Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and other such things are based on the characters >and items created by SquareSoft inc. >1) No one can use the Characters Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez, or Alex >Arellano created without written permission to the author. MARK: Damn! And I had such great plans... >2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line Service without >written approval from the authors SAMANTHA: Oops! Think McMahon read that part? BRET: Like he would care. >3)No one says anything about how cruel I make Sonic SAMANTHA: Or how I intend to make you take a long walk off a short cliff... STEVE: But we'll say plenty about how cruel having to read this story is! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~ BRET: And being free from icebergs, the Lusitania has no worries about sinking... >Brief summery: With time Running out for the brave Warrior Tails and his >Knight Comrade Antoine, They race through the Little Planet SAMANTHA: 'Through'? Excuse me? What is the planet made out of? Swiss cheese? >to stop the >Echidna Knuckles from making a mistake he would soon regret. NASH : Buying a Spice Girls CD. >Upon ariving >there they meet Tubie named Locy and befriend her, now they travel >on.....Sonya is about to reach her next destination but is side track and >meet someone VERY close to her..... BRET: Story has bad grammar, worse plotline. >Thus with this new comrade they will >gain 2....... SAMANTHA: Hey look, the author is trying to impress us with his math skills. STEVE: I'm amazed he has any... LYNX: Fine! I'm sending all the hate mail I get back up here! MARK: Miss, who are you and how did you get in here? >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ SAMANTHA: Stupid lines. God, I hate them. > > > Knuckles glided easily over the spiked Collision Chaos sector and >past the wet watery world of NASH: ... the BAHAMAS!! >Tidal Tempest in to Quartz Quadrant, Land of >crystals, rubies, and EMERALDS. NASH : What the hell am I doing? All I need is a couple of these, and I can BUY Sonic! SAMANTHA: As well as plot points, contrivances, and devices. >Knuckles gazed at the magnificent wonder ALL: -- Twin Powers, Activate! >that was around him, a world completely engulfed in reflective stones. BRET: He's in Vegas! >"This must be the place.... god it reminds me of the floating islands old >Chaos Chamber..." whispered Knuckles. He had never know such grief and >hatred since the day of the fall. MARK: Yes, for Spring was his Season. >He remembered He and Sonya sitting >together on a hill top happily and kissing when the light of doom shined >from the distance striking the mighty islands largest mountain. SAMANTHA: But didn't Sonya leave before that happened? MARK: You've been paying attention? >It >crumbled to nothing at the powerful blast. Sonya screamed, Knuckles took >off trying to see if any survivors were there... NASH: Knux, the mountain *crumbled* to *nothing*. I don't think anyone managed to duck and cover. SAMANTHA: HEY! Dread Boy ran off from his girlfriend when she needed him! You coward!!! >Then another >blast...crushing more of the island, frantically as all began to collapse STEVE : Ok, next time I'll remember to double bolt. >Knuckles tried to get to Sonya again...he remembered her scream then >silence. BRET : And the people bowed and swayed... before the neon God they made... >Then next thing he saw was himself alone on a deserted beach. SAMANTHA: What is with the deserted beach? It seems as if *everyone* wakes up on a deserted beach! STEVE: Kefka actually ripped off Celes' awakening scene TWICE! MARK: Stock plot number 263. >He >took refuge with a band of Freedom Fighters and trained vowing revenge for BRET: -being put into this crappy fanfic. Kefka *WOULD* pay! >this when they told him Sonic was the culprit. SAMANTHA: It's a good thing that no one is narrating this story. They would've keeled over from lack of breath by now. BRET: Geez, with all these Freedom fighters on Mobius, why couldn't they ever beat an incompetent idiot like Robotnik? > Knuckles snapped out of the vision MARK: To see Randy Savage eating Slim Jims. SAMANTHA: *SNAP* NASH : Oww, my neck! >when he heard voices near by, he NASH: -- pissed his pants? BRET: Hey! Don't be crude! >ducked into a poorly lit section of the Quadrant. NASH: Oh. SAMANTHA: The Alpha Quadrant? STEVE: So there's a lot of busted street lamps there... >He lunged when the >victim was in reach and clashed into Tails hard, SAMANTHA: Their suits are *that* different, I swear. >they went tumbling and NASH: -- started fondling each other. They'd been apart for so long... BRET: NASH! >returning numerous punches until finally realizing who each other was. >"Tails!" cried Knuckles. > "knuckles!" cried Tails. > "Brother..." moaned Antoine. > "Ditto" replied Locy. SAMANTHA: Bored. MARK: Tired. BRET: Wistful. STEVE : Vengeful. NASH: Agonized, yet strangely aroused... [Samantha immediately backhands Nash] > "Knuckles, god I'm glad we finally caught up with you. You cant >use the Time Stones to stop Sonic, for the love of goddess SAMANTHA: Belldandy? MARK: Mishakal? BRET: Juno? STEVE: Shelly? NASH: Sable? Ahhhh, Sable... >it will change BRET: Into a form-fitting dress from Gucci! >the time line if your destroy him when he's younger and good." MARK : But when you consider how crappy this reality is, that may not be a bad thing. > "Like I care, BRET : The fabric of reality can bite me! >my floating island is gone, Sonya is gone..." Tails >felt a flood of emotions fill him at her name...the memories of the time he >and Sonya had together, playing, laughing, hugging, racing, STEVE: ... break dancing, skiing, gang-banging, pontooning... NASH: Why Steve! I never knew you had it in you! STEVE [thinks over what he just said, then pales]: No! I didn't mean THAT! >she was the sister he ever had. SAMANTHA: So he was a sister, I gather. MARK: Apparently, she was *the* sister he had. >They would lay down each others life for one another. >"I have nothing to lose Tails." SAMANTHA: Except your life. NASH: Like that's worth anything in this story! > "What if you change time and Robotnik wins the war? or Snively or BRET: ...Tempest? Or Sailor Galaxia? Or the Angels? Or Genom? >even Packbell.... SAMANTHA: The world would be ruled by computers! How awful! >then what? your island used as a toxic dump site?! its NASH : -- not a bad idea, actually... >just as bad if you kill him or not. you'll never gain these powers and BRET: -- we'll never star in this story! [pause] No wait! Let him kill Sonic! LET HIM!! >most likely will die, all of us will... BRET: But then at least this stupid story would be OVER! SAMANTHA : Damn it, man! Don't you watch any Star Trek? >Sonic was the one who help stem the >tide of hate and evil he now is." > "damn it Tails, why do you always do this..." > "do what?" STEVE : Spout inane, nonsensical lectures that kill off a perfectly good plot device. > "knock sense into me...." SAMANTHA: That isn't knocking sense into a person. *This* is... NASH: OWW! Quit that! MARK: Do you *know* about the part of the wrestler's code of honor that says we can't hit women, or do you just not care? SAMANTHA: Yes. > "Hey I'm a hero, its what I do!" STEVE: Does that mean the nWo is going to show up and start beating on him? BRET: Unfortunately, no. > > > * * * SAMANTHA: Oh darn. School is snowed in again today. > > > Sonya passed over all SWAT bot infested sections, NASH: ...floating, >she didnt need to >worry as long as Sonic had that command out that she was a bad guy like >them. SAMANTHA: And that's about as technological as the writer is gonna get, guys. >They simply saluted SAMANTHA: With the middle finger, of course. MARK: They're Stone Cold fans too! NASH: Aaaaaw, hell yeah! >or just ignored her entirely. Sonya was of >course thrilled by this, SAMANTHA: Being ignored makes me so hot! NASH [grinning]: I swear I won't speak to you for a week.. >no need to attract attention to someones interest >she didnt want to gain. BRET: You're *never* going to make any money on your CD's unless you collect interest. >half way through Collision Chaos she met Mecha >Sonic, the now enormous red colored sharpen clawed creature grinned at her NASH : What's a cute chick like you doing around a guy like me? >and spoke. "Again we meet Sonya. Its been many years..." SAMANTHA: And it has intelligence now! Wow, see what happens when you don't load Windows 95 onto your computer? > "Yes it has Mecha, and I see you have gained a few new utilities," STEVE: Yeah, he's got Crescendo and the Shockwave plug-in. >she pointed to his SAMANTHA: Don't go there... NASH: That's his *love* attachment. >quills that seemed to look like spiked armor. SAMANTHA: Whew! Had me worried. > "Yes, Lord Sonic treats me well, better then the FAT STUPID guy MARK: Hugh Morrus? STEVE: Newt Gingrinch? >and thin dude with the long nose did." BRET: Hunter Hearst Helmsley? >Sonya growled out and drew her blade. SAMANTHA : Hang on while I get a pencil and sketch pad. > "Watch it tin head, no need to go insulting my father." STEVE : Ivo Robotnik was a *fine* man! > "You still care don't you? he's dead....live with it." NASH : Quit whining about your stupid dead loved ones! > "You wont live with it if you keep annoying me." she hissed. "My >father was evil but at least not like this...he didnt rape...." it took her >a moment to confirm that thought MARK: Thank you for that mental image, Kefka. >"he didnt do half the crap Sonic did." SAMANTHA: Like appearing in horrible lemons. > "Hence he never took over. a dictator like Sonic is what your >father should have wised up and become. BRET: Cliched and badly written? STEVE: No, Robotnik had that covered... >But he didnt so he paid, You BRET : -- have to pay up the interest. Cough it up! >father was human, what do you expect, humans are the lowest life form on >this world." ALL: Hey! > "that's why Sonic butchered all but one." NASH : Get your human steaks! Human pot roast! Human sausage links! > "You, but your his sister dearest, surly he'd miss the nights >raping you to a bloody pulp." SAMANTHA: Oh please, lets have no flashbacks of that... Hang on! Sonya is supposed to be Sonic's sister! BRET: And if he raped her, then that means... ALL: Incest!!! GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! SAMANTHA: Now I *know* Gonterman is co-writing this!!! NASH: And I still don't get how Sonya is human and a hedgehog at the same time, or from Earth and Sonic's sister... >Sonya's eyes flared with rage at him. "Oh >you act as if no one on Mobius Knows that, we all do... MARK: Sonic wrote a series of racy letters to Penthouse. NASH: Man, *all* the good porn magazines are going downhill. >we know your >nothing more then a toy for him to play with and destroy his enemies with." STEVE : You're his *binky*! > "Listen tin can, I don't see why your giving me grief but I'm not >gonna take it anymore...." NASH : I am woman! Hear me roar! BRET : I am rubber, you are glue... >she turned away and started to walk towards >Tidal Tempest. > "Remember little one....don't try anything funny with those >stones!" SAMANTHA: And if that doesn't bring a sick image to mind then nothing will. > > > * * * > BRET : Look guys! It's snowing! MARK : But it always snows, Cartman! BRET : Yeah, but it's REALLY snowing... > > "Err now that we met each other, can we get out of this place? I >don't like being so close to that monster Mecha sonic." whimpered Antoine. SAMANTHA: Ah, ya wimp! > "Agreed, lord ... NASH : My funky lovemaster... >err Sonic inputted allot of information about him >to us tubies." mumbled Locy. "Mecha has no real weakness other then like >his counter the wanting for speed and loves to win." STEVE: So, Mecha Sonic has weaknesses. >They nodded. >"Perhaps it is best to leave here as soon as possible." SAMANTHA: Like I said, just toss in some game genie codes and you have nothing to worry about. > "Can we backtrack through the Zones?" asked Antoine. BRET: How many games do *you* know of where you can go backwards, Antoine? > "No, we must go through the Wacky Workbench, the StarDust Speedway, >then Metallic Madness.." Knuckle Said. "After that we can clear the world >and get to lands end." SAMANTHA: You guys don't know about the shortcut? > "no problem right knuckles?" smiled Tails. > "Big problem, those are the most difficult zones in the little >planet. To cross them might mean death, MARK: With a name like Wacky Workbench, how could Tails *not* know that it's deadly? >not only is the terrain bad there, BRET : -- but the speeding tickets are the worst! I've got 20 I have to pay off! >the badniks are just as tough if not tougher now that Sonic's improved >them." SAMANTHA: Plus there's fewer lives, no invincibility boxes, and no speed shoes. > "No Prob. Knuckles, with my magic energy I'm sure we can beat >them." SAMANTHA: Who said that? NASH: Don't worry, I'll *protect* you. SAMANTHA: I'd want my *protector* to have more than *nine* moves. BRET: You know, Samantha, *I'm* the world's greatest technical wrestler. > "You sound more like Mighty everyday." Knuckles placed his mask >back on and grinned. SAMANTHA: Who? Mighty Mouse? Mighty Max? Details, man, details! > Tails grinned at the complement and told Knuckles to lead the way. STEVE : You first, cannon fodd... er, I mean friend. > > > * * * BRET : Jingle Bells... This fic smells... > >Sonya hated water, this was of course no surprise. MARK: That's so obvious, I feel insulted that the author pointed it out. >Hedgehogs hated water >as much as they did being petted the wrong way. SAMANTHA: And she knows all about being petted the wrong way. >Sonya tried her hardest to >think of Knuckles throughout all of this, but somehow (maybe it was the >water) it didnt seem to calm her hatred. NASH: Seeing as how she hates him and all. >For all the things she knew she >still couldn't stand the fact she's doing this all for the Echidna that in >her thoughts didnt even attempt to find her after the world fell. SAMANTHA: I thought she was doing this for a sword? STEVE: Man, this is so bad the author isn't even paying attention! > > > <until she turned around and saw the island slowly collapsed to the ocean. >She screamed out Knuckles name then collapsed. . . SAMANTHA: Ah nuts! We slipped into a flashback, guys! >When she awoke she was in >the company of new friends. . . BRET: The Ewoks! MARK: Celebrate the love! Yub-nub! SAMANTHA: Aww, that's so cute the way you do that! [Nash's (and Bret and Steve's) jaws drop open at the thought of anyone finding the Undertaker cute. Mark grins devilishly back at them. Nash then growls and mutters something incomprehensible.] >The Rookie freedom Fighters of the Western >continent had saved her. But each suffered a great deal of pain and loss >of limbs. SAMANTHA: All of whom she affectionately called Stumpy. >With what little time, she learned that her brother had done it >all. NASH: Vegas, Reno, Tahoe, Atlantic City... >She tried to warn them that it was not safe here if Sonic knew where >they were. Yet they didnt heed her, STEVE: As they were phenomenally stupid. MARK: How stupid? They thought Men in Black was a *fine* movie. >once her strength was up she fled NASH : To hell with the rest of you! I wanna live! >begging the others to come also. . .She has escaped Sonic, and watched as >Hover Units came and Napalmed the forest which they hid in.>> SAMANTHA: I feel like a barbecue tonight! BRET: Yet it has *never* occurred to Sonic to do this to the Great Forest. > > > Sonya had past the Tidal Tempest and now was in Quartz Quadrant. >She, like her father, loved certain things NASH: Like bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle. >and crystals, emeralds, and >other such valued things amused her. She was truly Human. SAMANTHA: Even though she was a hedgehog like Sonic. It makes no sense, really! >To see these >things as a worth for money. But she also saw them like a Mobian did, to NASH: Snuggle up to the smooth, shiny surfaces as you would -- BRET: [punches Nash in the head] And just stop right there! >love the natural beauty. Perhaps this is what made her lose her alertness, STEVE: Stupid natural beauty. God, I hate it! >a Webcrawler flung it's web around her and tightened its grip. SAMANTHA: Oh no! Spider-man's gone bad again! MARK: Hopefully, it'll be Carnage in a mass-murdering mood. >She >screamed loudly and with her blade ripped the webbing. She turned around >and saw a huge spider, around four times her size, Sonya had a few >weakness,...1) fear of rape, BRET : *There's* an image that'll haunt my nightmares. SAMANTHA: Look on the bright side. Maybe it'll mate and then kill. BRET: Couldn't it just kill? >2) Fear of Water 3) Fear of vomiting, SAMANTHA: Hence why she's so fat. She could never be bulimic. >4) Fear >of Spiders. She screamed again in the monsters ear, MARK: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that spiders don't have ears. Thank you. >it jumped back and hissed at her. SAMANTHA: Some fighter. Scream at the sight of a spider. NASH : Jump back now! Kiss myself! >"Damn get away from me creature!" she held her blade weakly MARK: ... Then fumbled it and dropped it. Can you say hedgehog sashimi? I know you can... >at it, it hissed again and she struck it. STEVE: Sonya started it! That means that she'll get suspended while the spider will just have ISS. >Strange green ooze splash from >the wound, some hit Sonya, she cried out realizing her skin felt as if it >was burning. "Acid" was the one word that repeatedly flowed through her >mind, "acid", BRET : I wish I had some really good acid... STEVE: Whoa! It's an Alien! MARK: Maybe she's finally realizing what made Kefka write this story. >she collapsed from the pain. Slowly she fell into a sleep, STEVE: Acid burns always make me drowsy, too. >but before she did she saw a shadow looming over her. . . SAMANTHA: The spider ate her and the fanfic was short one stupid character. > > > * * * > MARK: Forecasters report a 50% chance of a blizzard. ALL: BURY THE FANFIC! BURY THE FANFIC!! > > Wacky Workbench was a zone filled with electrical machines and >troublesome bumpers. NASH: But the bumpers weren't nearly as bad as the *grinders*... SAMANTHA: This must be one of those bonus levels that you couldn't find in the game. J-BOOGIE: It's a level in the Sonic game for the Sega CD. BRET: You had a Sega CD?! JB: No! They made it for the PC a couple of years later. Nyahh! Ok, I'll leave now. >Knuckles looked from the safety of an edge. STEVE: Adam Copeland? >Tails >hovered over it and smiled. "Man Knuckles this is gonna be hard." > "Not Really Tails...you have the power of Lightning right?" MARK: So do I. Wanna see? [MARK begins charging up a lightning bolt] BRET: Ack! Not in the theater! SAMANTHA: Oh wow! Cool, a man who can be cute *and* powerful!!! [Nash growls again and inadvertently rips the arm off of his chair] > "Yeah, so?" BRET : What's it to you, mortal? > "What's the weakness of lightning?" NASH: Rubber? > "Umm....Water!" > "Then? get casting!" Tails smiled again and started to chant. ALL: GOOOOLD-BERG, GOOOOLD-BERG... >The >wind began to change dramatically as clouds formed over the workbench zone, >thunder, then lightening then a downpour or Rain. STEVE: One or the other. We're not sure which. >Tails strained his magic NASH: [groaning and grunting] Come on... Immodium AD is supposed to work quickly... BRET: DAMMIT, NASH!! >hoping to flood and short out everything before they move in. MARK: Little did Tails know that the badniks had built a great ark. >"Your great >Kid! many is the times I wish I had that power." SAMANTHA: I've got the power, power, power... STEVE: Many is the times I wish that this story would end. > "Its all in the wrist Knuckles!" yelped Tails. NASH: Actually, it's all in the *hips*. SAMANTHA: You never give up, do you? NASH: No. >"Just gotta know >when to quit and went to show no mercy!" at that moment Antoine and Locy >slowly advanced on the drenched floor. SAMANTHA: Slipping, their heads cracked against the ground and they died. BRET: And there was much rejoicing. ALL : Yay. > "I think he took care of the problem." Said Locy. > "I think so..too....but....do you think we ruin Knuckles and Tails >celebration by telling them they probably alerted the whole squadron of >SWATbots on the Little Planet?" MARK: Ha ha. This is so droll. BRET: So, everything goes crazy when the weather changes. > "Naw Antoine, let them have their fun... I'm sure we can handle a >few hundred Swats..." STEVE: I'll like to give you a few hundred swats... > she kissed him on the nose. NASH : You'll never get any, loser! >Antoine blushed a bright >red. "its Mecha Sonic I'm more worried about..." STEVE: It's a furry hentai scene that I'm worried about. BRET: Foreshadowing, folks! > > > * * * > > > Sonya Let out a loud groan as she tried to sit up, but...she >couldn't...her body was latched down. She attempted to open her eyes and >focus but only managed to see blurs, she craned her neck and looked at >herself. Sonya was naked, ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! SAMANTHA: No! Not one of these scenes! MARK: The Lord of Darkness is not amused. If this scene goes any farther, Kefka will REST IN PEACE! NASH: I'd prefer he rest in *pieces*. >at first she noticed this horrible feeling >between her legs and wondered what it was. [STEVE is beginning to hyperventilate] STEVE: Oh no, oh no, oh *no*... BRET: Come on, man! We survived Oscar, we can survive this! > The moment she realized it, she >felt sick to her stomach. "Sonic, how do you expect me to find tails and >'twan for you if you keep doing this it me!" she whispered. Much to her >surprise another voice spoke. SAMANTHA: Hopefully it'll be a good author there to let her go and end the fanfic. JOLT: Sorry, but I couldn't make it. MARK: Would you people quit doing that?! LYNX: Well, it gets lonely at the keyboard... > "It isn't Sonic little one.... but the hedgehog is of my >blood....as you are also." MARK: Oh sweet Jesus, no. Not *him*. This is grosser than thinking about Paul Bearer doing it! >Sonya nearly screamed at the voice...a lump >developed in her throat an didnt go down, she wanted to throw up, choke and >die. STEVE: Which, oddly enough, is what I want to do! [Steve then breaks out into disturbing nervous laughter] SAMANTHA: I don't think your friend is taking this too well. BRET: Can you blame him? > ". . . . . is it you? can it be? but...you died...you died....damn >it... YOU DIED!!!!" she screamed. NASH : You can only come back from the dead in Marvel books! >"Why!!! why did you do this to me!? >why!!" MARK: Because Kefka has issues. > "Come now Sonya, being away from any female for this amount of >time...I could hardly resist." it cackled. NASH : Yeah, all that time in jail was really hard on my ass... STEVE: ARGH!! > "But for goddesses sake..." she started to sob. "I'm your >daughter...." ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! SAMANTHA: *burp* Yuck, more incest... I think I'm going to be sick. BRET: Man, Kefka *does* have issues. STEVE: Mark, can you kill me, please? MARK: No. Hush, the hentai scene will be over soon. > > > * * * > > > Mecha Sonic watched from high above ground. The two tailed hero >and the black echidna and the other two ran through Wacky workbench and >were nearing the end, he needed to stop them before they reached Metallic >Madness. NASH : *Feel* the Madness surround you! >A smile crossed his face, his pointy teeth gleamed brightly, BRET : Gotta remember to use a toothbrush next time, not a file. >he'd have SAMANTHA: Some shorter sentences. Those run-ons were beginning to tire him out. >his fun and do his job all in one. > > * * * > > > "How could you do this damn it. . . .all those years I helped you." > "All those years you betrayed me." BRET: And Robotnik was such a loving father figure, too. SAMANTHA: ACK! Back to this crap! > "You expected me to kill my brother... my friends...my love!" Sonya >felt her straps detach, she leaped up and in a defensive posture. "I will >NEVER follow your ways again ROBOTNIK!!" The large man appeared from the >shadows, STEVE: ...so Batman immediately ran-in and kicked his ass for ripping off his shtick. >he looked the same as he did the days of the destruction of his >Dooms Day device, MARK: Robotnik had one, too? >however, he seemed stronger, crueler, evilier, his eyes >glow with a strange power. NASH: He was the Six Million Dollar Hackneyed Villain. SAMANTHA: He had been given a small portion of a self-inserted author's power. >Sonya noticed this all and felt some what >uncomfortable with it. That and the fact she was facing her foe naked. BRET: And the fact that she just got BRUTALLY RAPED BY HER FATHER!! STEVE: Don't remind me. PLEASE, don't remind me. >"What do you expect of me Robotnik? are you going to use me as a play thing >as my brother Sonic is?" MARK: So Sonic is also Robotnik's plaything? [Steve turns green and falls out of his seat] MARK: I'm just trying to figure out Kefka's crappy grammar. >she looked down. "I left earth for this? to be >raped, used, beaten. . . I should have stayed in Los Angeles." NASH : In LA, you get raped, used, beaten, AND there's earthquakes, droughts, and riots! SAMANTHA : Even though there isn't a Los Angeles on our world, but you get the point. > "True what I did to you I have no regrets on doing..." SAMANTHA: Talk about your twisted family! BRET : [singing] When you feel like some incest, then take your daughter when it's best... [Steve immediately punches Bret as hard as he possibly can] STEVE: STOP THAT!! > "Neither does Sonic." NASH : You're both bastards! I'm going back to Knuckles and Tails! At least they do it at the same time! STEVE [holding his stomach]: Nash... you're not helping... > "However I want to help you....that Hedgehog almost killed >me...cost me my Empire and I want revenge." STEVE: And raping somebody is the *best* way to tell them that you want to be their ally! NASH: Couldn't he just give her a T-shirt? >He walked away from Sonya, STEVE: Not seeing her approaching from behind. His neck was easy to snap, she found... SAMANTHA: A bit bitter, are we? STEVE: Can you blame me? >Sonya looked around an saw her clothing neatly folded in a stack. MARK: For some reason, that really bothers me. How many rapists neatly fold their victim's clothes? >she quickly got dressed. ALL: Thank you! > "Help me...oh FINE way of showing it..." she buckled her belt. "By >the by... how come your alive?" SAMANTHA: It's called a plot device. BRET: See, the Phoenix Force actually made a duplicate of his body, and sealed the real Robotnik in a cocoon below the Hudson river. He hibernated there until the Avengers found him. > "That Stupid Hedgehog thought he had killed me in that final War. STEVE : But it was only a flesh wound! >But he was wrong, he came close to it. I used an experimental >transportation beam and warped to a space station I have hidden in the >Darksun sector near Mobius." SAMANTHA : I got it from a StarFleet garage sale. NASH: I wonder if anybody made *him* read crappy fanfics? >He sighed. "however, the beam was slightly >damage during transportation. MARK: Its Deus Ex Machinizer got stuck. >Thus I was stuck here, only to sit and watch >that bungling idiot Snively ruin most of the world and kill many Mobian BRET: But at least it was something to do on a lonely Friday night... >that would have made good Robotic slaves." NASH : Yes, slave! Please me!! SAMANTHA: [punches Nash] Kefka is bad enough! Quit it! > "Ah he wasn't into roboticization to much....he preferred murder >more." SAMANTHA : At least he did after being written by Kefka. BRET: The sad thing is that some *good* Sonic authors also tried to pass off Snively as a massive threat. > "I know, in the mean time I located knothole village and would have >LOVED to destroy it...but this would only make Snively gain the upper >hand... for years I had to root for the hedgehog to destroy that fool." SAMANTHA: Oh, the irony. > "Whoa...you rooting for my brother...." MARK: Something you won't see *me* do. STEVE: What masterful inverting of the classic Sonic/Robotnik relationship! > "As the time progressed Sonic won and took over, also the station >began to lose power, and strange forces emitted from the sector Darksun.. MARK: Easily the crappiest of the AD&D campaign worlds. >.. it changed things...." Robotnik looked down. SAMANTHA : I lost my area. >"I only now discovered what >it was....the darksun isn't a sun but in fact an eternal moon. It bathed >me in its light and changed my body filling it with a magnificent power." NASH: It was like drinking lots of Jolt! SAMANTHA: Don't think that'll get you any brownie points with me. JOLT: Nor me... MARK: Ahem... JOLT: Sorry. > "heh what did it do make you immortal?" Laughed Sonya. Robotnik >didnt respond, Sonya felt her heart jump through her throat again. BRET: It landed on the floor with a sickening thud. >she hit >the nail on the head. STEVE: And looked the gift horse in the mouth, which was worth two in the bush that had counted their chickens before they hatched. >"Your immortal now?" > "Among other things...." NASH : Yes, for like Servo... I'M HUGE! > "other things?" MARK: Like bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers and spackle. SAMANTHA: Oh boy, I have a *really* bad feeling about this. > "I now have the power of the moon, Lunar magic, and the ability to >change my form." SAMANTHA: Robotnik *is* Sailor Moon. NASH: AGH! Robotnik in a little dress! SAMANTHA: Heh, heh, heh... MARK: My my, you can certainly be cruel. SAMANTHA: Thank you. >he closes his eyes and chanted slowly. ALL: AUS-TIN! AUS-TIN! >Sonya watched as >his human body covered with a dark black fur, his face lost its humanity >(what little it had) and slowly malformed to that of a wolf. BRET: Who's been letting Kefka play 'Werewolf: the Apocalypse'? >Robotnik's >boots and clothing tore as bulging muscles appeared. MARK: For whenever Dr. Ivo Robotnik becomes angry or enraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs... SAMANTHA: Wow! All that time at the gym really paid off! >"This is what I am >now, cursed to have the form of a Mobian inside of me." Robotnik let off a >howl, NASH: I don't care what he looks like, he's still not Wolfpac. >Sonya wanted to run to him and embrace his body. ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! STEVE [whimpering]: She's attracted to her dad... she actually has the *hots* for *her dad*... SAMANTHA: Don't you *dare* go further then that line! >Such a strange >feeling of arousment, his body his scent, it was driving her half insane. BRET: But -- it smells like a man. STEVE: Why, God, why? >It was a good thing he twitched and dropped to his hands and scratched >behind his ear with his hind leg. That broke the spell over Sonya, she >couldn't help but laugh. MARK: Ha ha! It's kooky! SAMANTHA: [sits back down] Good. >He glared at her and she stopped cold. "This is >what I must endure... NASH : Damned fleas! >now will let me help you destroy Sonic for my >revenge....." SAMANTHA : I'll think about it... and don't call me Will. > "How can I refuse, your the only way I can get off this station, if >I kill you I'm stuck here. But make no mistake Robotnik, I will not help >you remove one dictator for you to simply become the next!" BRET : You'll have to help us establish a multi-party democratic system. > "dear Sonya, do you think I would do this to you?" > "Yes!" > ". . . .Truly you are wise beyond your years...." SAMANTHA: Which is more than what could be said about the author. > > > > * * * > > > They finally arrived at Star Dust Speedway, STEVE : Now 'ol Rusty Wallace is comin' up on Jeff Gordon... SAMANTHA: MARK: Maybe they should have cleaned up a bit. After all, it *is* quite dusty. >fastest zone on the >Little Planet, NASH: Man, that Star Dust Speedway is one fast mutha... BRET: Shut yo mouth! NASH: Just talkin' bout Star Dust Speedway. Can you dig it? >a monument to Sonic The Hedgehog, a large statue that once >held the figure of Dr. Robotnik now held the bust of Sonic the Hedgehog. STEVE: AAAH! Sonic's a hermaphrodite like Oscar! >memories of how he had defeated Mecha in a race and conquer Robotnik here >was loved by all Little planet residents...well WAS loved. Tails ran >quickly past the killer badniks and deadly traps, he used his magical aura >as a shield when incoming projectiles shot out of no where. SAMANTHA: Stuff happened. NASH: People died. Wanna do it? SAMANTHA [Smacking Nash in the head]: BAKA YAROU! NASH: Ow! I was just trying the direct approach! >Knuckles >Glided over Them with ease, never worrying about the badniks after all he BRET: -- paid them off. >was red claw...feared by all. SAMANTHA: And robots don't have feelings, but who cares! After all, they *were* scared. >Antoine and Locy stay close together and >made chase of Tails and Knuckles, BRET: Oh, I get it. A fox-hunt. >Locy used her powerful whip to snag hooks >or edges and fling over them with ease, STEVE: Now if you could just fling Antoine into a pit, then all would be right with the world. SAMANTHA: What about dark Sonic? STEVE: Details, details... >Antoine would use his blade to cut MARK: He slices! He dices! He even makes julienne fries! >through just about anything that got in his way. They had reached the end STEVE: The fic is over! WE'RE FREE!! BRET: Sorry, Steve-o, but there's more... STEVE: NOOOOOO!!! >of the zone where a long track awaited, but also a metallic Hedgehog also NASH: Also also also *also*... >stood. "greetings," he grinned, "And how are we today?" SAMANTHA: None too good. You see, we're stuck here and forced to read this... Oh, you mean them. Sorry. MARK : Cliched and badly written! You? > "Mecha Sonic!" Tails drew his blade. "You come for a fight?!" NASH : No, I come for 50 bucks. I'll fake it for 25. SAMANTHA: [really beating on Nash] SHUT UP!! > "Not really twirp, I came to do what I was sent to do, kick your >butts and give you to the master." SAMANTHA: Kicking butts usually does mean a fight. > "Seesh Yeah right! we've eluted your master MARK: Yeah! We've even violined him! Get it? We strung him up! Hah! I kill me! STEVE: But you're already dead... > for this long, what >makes you think we'll go down now." BRET: Give Kefka a few pages, and God only knows what position you'll be in. SAMANTHA : *Now* who's talking? > "Ya only eluted him cause he hasn't send me to do the job until >now." STEVE : Sonic's kinda stupid like that. >Mecha started to glow a light red, his quills enlarged. NASH: bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... STEVE: GYAH! Not again! SAMANTHA: More than one... Urotsukidoji, anyone? >"I'm immune >to most attacks punks. give me your best shot or listen to my seconds >proposal..." SAMANTHA: He does have quite a few of them. MARK: I hope it's not an *indecent* proposal. > "Which is?" replied Tails. > "A race, I want to whoop you in a race, BRET: Wow, Mecha likes Stone Cold too! SAMANTHA: How could anyone *not* like Stone Cold? >win and I let you go, lose >and...heh well....Sonic will have some fun thinking up your torturous >deaths." SAMANTHA: And they're gonna be dumb enough to fall for this? NASH: You have to ask? > "none of us are fast enough to beat you." NASH: So stand still if you *really* want a spanking... SAMANTHA: Ugh... I give up, he'll never stop. NASH: That's right, I *never* stop... nudge nudge... SAMANTHA: [punches him in the head] > "None of you are strong enough to beat me in a fight also....so >what's it gonna be...." > > "I say, I'll take that race tin can!" Everyone turned around >quickly to find the source of the new voice, MARK: ... the Flash, and boy, was he pissed. >they all gasped when they saw >Sonya and Dr. Ivo Robotnik standing side by side. STEVE : Oh my god! It's a resurrected character! >"I'll take that race and >whoop your ass good!" NASH: Hah! I was right! >she turned and looked at Knuckles, she felt herself >go slightly limp. SAMANTHA: ...just like Knuckles always did! >His face his body it was him, she wanted to go and hug >him tightly, and never leave his arms. She could tell he wanted to same, >but now they couldn't. "what do you say Rin Tin Tin?" SAMANTHA: Oh, such witty repartee. BRET: This whole story feels like a long, dirty, Hogan rant. > "I'll take that race!" he growled. "And its good to see you former >master." > "Betrayer Machine...." the Doc Whispered. "Its not enough working >for that fool Snively you had to stoop so low as to work for the Hedgehog." SAMANTHA: It's a machine for crying out loud! Whoever programs it, controls it! NASH: Yeah, just give him some RAM chips, an anti-static spray, and Mecha's a happy death machine. > "Hey a guys gotta make a living somehow...sides...Sonic is the best >master I've ever had. So back off tubbo." SAMANTHA : He gives me plenty of WD-40 and oil! >Mecha crouched down in a runners >starting position, his blasters fired up and he grinned at Sonya. "You >ready?" MARK: Break it down! [Everyone except Bret and Samantha begins doing the Degen-X theme] > Sonya removed her large boot heel with her blade and grinned back. STEVE: What the hell kind of Huntress wears high heels into an enemy-infested area? SAMANTHA: A badly written one. Jamie would never make me do something that stupid. JOLT: Right on! BRET: How are these people getting *in* here? JB: That's for us to know, and for you to figure out. >"I was born ready..." She blasted off before he could even reply. NASH: So Sonya communes with the Speed Force. >A moments hesitation and he rocketed off after her, They raced down the >twisty, hard turn StarDust freeway speedway, Sonya leapt over a few badniks BRET: The 1000 meter death hurdle, folks. >which Mecha simply destroyed with the sheer force of his weight smashing >into them at lightening speed. MARK: He was going so fast, he was losing weight! SAMANTHA: You know, if this action gets any faster, someone is bound to get hurt. > "Is this all you can do wench? Ohh Sonic's gonna be plenty mad at >you for doing this! becoming a Rebel Freedom Fighter." > "I always have been one Mecha! he use to be one too, and the jerk >went evil! STEVE: Man, I hate it when jerks go evil. > he's written his own fate! and now you can eat my figure 8!" SAMANTHA: You're supposed to be running, not ice skating, you idiot! >Sonya stopped and revved her feet up at such speed blurs of black and blue >green formed into that of a eight. SAMANTHA: That's gotta hurt a bone or two. BRET: And this is useful how? >Mecha's eyes turned dark red as he sped >up trying to maintain a sensible distance from the stationed Hedgehog, NASH: Mecha was a good, sensible, evil, killing machine. >but >it was too late for it, Sonya released her anchored feet and exploded in a >blaze of light, SAMANTHA: And died. The end. >screaming in both pain and victory, MARK : WHEEE! IT'S FUN!! >she bolted past Mecha >knocking him down and ripping a limb from his shoulder. "hey if you cant >smell the chili dogs stay outta the kitchen!" she laughed right before >running into a wall and smashing her face in.... SAMANTHA: And dying. The end. STEVE: Wow. It's a metaphor for this story. >but none the less she won >the race. > > > * * * > > "Ouch! ouch! watch it owww!" whined Sonya, as Locy took some >alcohol to her bleeding nose. SAMANTHA: Dammit! She's still alive! BRET: BOO! >Locy tried to be gentle NASH: She used fur-lined handcuffs. >to the nearly broken >nose but it was impossible with a squirming hedgehog. > "Oh hush now Sonya, The more you struggle the more times you make >me accidentally poke this q-tip to hard." Sonya tried to relax but seeing >Knuckles there looking at her, MARK : MO-OM!! Billy's looking at me! >waiting, wanting, wishing, to hold her in >his arms made her rile more. Knux walked to her and sat down next to her, >he put his arm around her and pulled her close. SAMANTHA: *CRACK*! STEVE : AAAH! MY SPINE! >Locy realized that this >wasn't the time to be doing Sonya's Healing, she had already stopped most >of the bleeding. She got up and walked back to Antoine. SAMANTHA: Please oh please don't let this develop into a lemon scene... NASH: Nah. In Kefka's world, sex and violence are pretty much the same thing. > "Knuckles....god its been so long...." NASH : Of course it's long... the better to please you, my dear... BRET: NAAAAAAASH!! One more and it's Sharpshooter time! > "Yes," he kissed her on the lips, carefully avoiding her wounded >nose. "I missed you more then I could ever describe." she positioned >herself atop his lap and placed her hand between his legs. SAMANTHA : My god, it's so small! BRET: SAMANTHA! SAMANTHA: Sorry. >Tails eyes >widen and suddenly looked at the others who were mocking. ALL : Mock, mock, mock. > "Uhh BLIND LIGHT!!" he called and a blast of light spread across >Dr. Robotnik, Antoine's, Locy, Mechas, and himself, they were temporarily >blind. ALL: STEVE: This is great! > "How DARE you do this fox!" Robotnik roared. > "Hey Shut up man, they need their privacy." replied Tails. All the >commotion interrupted Knux and Sonya. > "hey its O.K., we aren't gonna do anything." NASH : At least not with Mr. *Limpy* here. >Sonya chanted and >screamed ALL: HOGAN SUCKS! >"Heal!" a whisking light ran across their eyes. Tails opened his >peepers and smiled. BRET: You know, Peepers are my favorite thing about Easter. >"So what's the plan now? The Time Stones cannot be >used to defeat Sonic it might erase our future." SAMANTHA: And that would be a bad thing because... > "That's what we've been trying to warn gun-ho Echidna 'bout over >here." Said Antoine. ALL: SHUT UP, ANTOINE!! > "So then how do we take him out?" Asked Locy. BRET: Well, first, I suggest giving him chocolates. Then take him to an expensive restaurant... > "Lets just over power him!" Roared Robotnik again. MARK: Cliché number 4076: Big guy stupidly wants to use brute force. > "Oh sure, a guy with the chaos Emeralds and other mystical powers >and were suppose to defeat him. Righhhtttt Robuttnik." hissed Tails. STEVE : See? I'm being sarcastic! >"What help are you going to be in this fight? all you'll do is get in the > way!" NASH: Hell, somebody that big is *always* in the way! > "uhh Tails?" squeaked Sonya. "He's got a few new powers...." > "like?" > "like this Two Tailed Freak!" MARK: OH MY GOD! He's got a two-tailed freak! >Robotnik did his transformation again BRET: MOON PRISM POWER!! >and looked down at the fox from his towering height, Tails gulped slightly >but drew his blade. SAMANTHA: Would you *please* put that pencil and sketch pad away and take out your sword? >"Hmm you have guts. This is a good trait in a >leader." Robotnik remained in the wolf form. STEVE: That's really going to eat up his MP. >"I will stay this way, no >need to let everyone know who I am." He thought for a moment "Don't call me >by Robotnik anymore, Robo's fine, Doc is fine, but if you must call me a >full name....call me Lunarus." SAMANTHA: Sounds like the new line of Volkswagens. NASH : Really? Darn, and I was gonna call you Uranus. [snickers] >they nodded. "Well then, shall we head >back to knothole?" MARK : Well, you want to take your mortal enemy to your inner sanctum? > "Hey just one seconds fat boy." Mecha Sonic growled. "The race is >hers, but I still gotta job to do." > "I didnt think you were a fair machine." sneered Robotnik. > "Hey hold on now, I don't mean I need to attack you, I mean let me >join you master." Mecha looked down. "Call this a crappy code of honor. SAMANTHA: And that would be ER67-9O2N right? >But Sonic is not gonna let me go back to him after letting Sonya escape >with ease. NASH: Then just kill her! There's nothing stopping you! >He wont consider my code of honor fair. BRET: In fact, I bet he'll consider it a crappy plot device. >So please let me join you, I can be of help." STEVE: This is a bit like me joining the nWo. BRET: I wonder if I should tell him... SAMANTHA : Besides, I need to save my own ass. NASH: And what a fine ass it is! SAMANTHA : Baka! > "Its not my choice, I follow Sonya." replied Robotnik, they looked >at Sonya. BRET: Yes, he *IS* a good slave, isn't he? > "Well, I follow Knuckles." she replied, they looked at Knuckles. STEVE: She likes the leash. > "Well I don't follow anyone but I'll follow Antoine," They looked >at Antoine. MARK: Yes! The hypnotism book worked! > "I will follow Locy, only for the simple reason I think I'm in >love." they looked at the blushing Locy. SAMANTHA : I only want him for cheap sex. NASH : Works for me! > "Well, I'm going to follow Tails, he saved my life." The deciding >vote laid on the leader. SAMANTHA: That's one heavy vote! MARK: That said on, not out. SAMANTHA: Oh. STEVE: So if we could get Tails to jump off a cliff, then we could get rid of the whole cast! > "Uhh, damn, I'm the youngest of the bunch and I gotta >decide....ugh...fine Mecha you can come." BRET: That was a well thought and strategically made decision. SAMANTHA: I won't even touch that one. > "Thank you, now let me show you a quick exit back down to >Mobius...." > NASH : Right through here! Man, there is this *huge* plothole! > > > > > * * * > > > > SAMANTHA: Which is only a little ways away from *Me*tropolis. MARK: Which is across the river from *Mega*lopolis > > Sonic knew Sonya betrayed him, he could feel it, he felt it in his >mind, body and soul. SAMANTHA: That and the fact that she sent him an e-mail that read: Dear Sonic, I betrayed you, Love Sonya. >Today was not a good day to be around the dark one, NASH: Yes, for it was that time of the month. SAMANTHA: [rips off the back of her seat and belts Nash in the head with it] >he lost his greatest fighter Sonya, there were no reports from Mecha, and BRET: -- his subscription to "Seventeen" hadn't come in yet! >Sally was not pregnant. He took his rage and hate out on her, STEVE: Gee, do you think taking your rage and hate out on her *might* just be the reason why she's not pregnant? >and now she >was cornered in his quarters alone as he loomed over her. SAMANTHA : I'M HUGE!!! BRET: Damn that Sonic, with his weaving utensils! >Sally pushed >herself back into a corner so tight as if she attempted to sink into the >wall or hide in the shadows. MARK: So she's either Nightcrawler or Kitty Pryde. >"I'm sure your finding this amusing Sally." >he sneered. "Seeing me humiliated like this. Plus you not being gravid," SAMANTHA: 'Gravid'? BRET: Looks like Kefka borrowed the Warrior's thesaurus. >he picked her up by the neck NASH: He's doing a chokeslam! >and forced her to gaze into his dark eyes, STEVE: He propped her eyelids open with toothpicks! >his red pupils were now exposed with hate and rage. She stared at him and >began to weep. > "Please sire, please... I am not happy about this sire..." she >cried. "don't hurt me." MARK: The Lord of Darkness is going to be *very* unhappy if this turns into another rape scene. SAMANTHA: And the dark vigilante will be just as pissed. STEVE: Not to mention the dark warrior. >he tugged at her shirt violently. SAMANTHA : Stupid shirt. God, I hate you! > "you are in no position to make this demand princess." BRET: She'd better not be in *any* positions *any*time soon! >he whispered, slowly he tore at her shirt, she knew it was a futile attempt to >fight him, one way or another he'd have his way. But the powerful princess >had never truly given up hope that some day Sonic would be defeated, the >news of Sonya and Tails had always brighten her spirits up, NASH: And *of course* Sally was completely incapable of doing anything for herself! >the future >Freedom Fighters were still alive and reeking havoc for Sonic. STEVE: Man, those Freedom Fighters reek! What did they fall in, havoc? SAMANTHA: This really sounds like a part of the Star Wars Trilogy. MARK: Star Wars never had Vader boinking Leia or Luke as a mass-murdering rapist! >Yes, she >loved the information even though she would be beaten for every defeat >Sonic experienced, but for every victory he would rape her. There was no >winning to this situation, but every beating she got, she knew he lost >something. SAMANTHA: Like the chance of becoming a good guy again. BRET: Ugh. And with every scene like this, I lose a little piece of my soul. >Every beating was a victory scar for her to remember. NASH: You know, Sally must be pretty skankin' ugly after eight years of this. >Yes, she >could count the victories Tails experienced, but she couldn't count Sonic's >victories, there were far to many, it was remarkable how long she has >remained unpregnated. STEVE : *Gee*, *Sonic*, maybe the beatings have *something* to do with it. SAMANTHA: When a hedgehog and... What is Sally, anyhow? BRET: I think she's a chipmunk. SAMANTHA: Then I really think those species are incompatible. MARK: Well, what about that... *tubie* thing? SAMANTHA: She was created, not born. MARK: Ah. >Her thoughts always remained on her comrades, Tails, >Sonya and Antoine. When she slept with Sonic she would dream of thehappy >times the old Sonic and her had, the times where Robotnik was the enemy and >life was simple. MARK: When everyone was in character. >When he raped her, she thought of nothing but her old >love Geoffrey St. John, NASH: Because being raped by someone else would be so much better! SAMANTHA: Who the hell is that? BRET: He's this fairly lame British skunk that they wrote into the comic book. >she tried to think it was he who was doing this, >not Sonic, it was someone she didnt care so much for who forced her to >participate in this degrading action. She forced herself to think it was >someone else who forcefully spread her legs apart and impel his erection >into her. ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! SAMANTHA: KYAHH!!! STEVE: Nononononononononono... BRET: Come on... you jobbed to Hogan, you can handle this... >She tried to think all this, she tried hard, prayed that this >was all just a horrible nightmare, MARK: I'd like to think this story didn't really exist, too. SAMANTHA: >just a horrible dream caused by to many BRET: -- jelly bean and peanut butter pizzas before bed. >battles With Robotnik, too many years away from her father, NASH: Too many nights spent partying in Studio 54's drug-induced haze... >too many >problems keeping her from marrying her lover Sonic. But she knew it >wasn't, she knew what was happening was real. STEVE [on the verge of tears]: I know the feeling... oh, god, how I know the feeling... > Sally broke out of her trance like state and just now realized >that she was on the floor bleeding from numerous wounds and Sonic laid upon >her forcing himself inside her. STEVE: AAAAAAGGHHH! DAMN YOU, KEFKA! NASH: Man. The video game was nothing like that. MARK: Neither was the cartoon. I'd hate to think what would've happened to all the little kiddies if it was. SAMANTHA: BRET: Oh no... get down, guys! >She made no comment when she felt him >thrust in her, which only angered Sonic, more. SAMANTHA: BIG ASS BLAST!!! [Samantha releases the blast and it impacts upon the screen a split second after the wrestlers dive to the floor. A massive explosion rocks the room and the backwash from the blast washes over the wrestlers. Unfortunately Samantha was caught in the backwash and was thrown back along with almost all of the theater's seats. After a few seconds, everyone gets up and surveys the area. Except for the screen, with the fanfic on pause, the entire place is wrecked. Chairs have been blown apart and there are tremendous scorch marks on the walls. Coughing slightly, Samantha gets up from under a pile of chairs, her suit all gone except for a few modest rags.] MARK: Impressive. SAMANTHA: Thanks. I think I had that one building up for a long time. Hey Nash, what do you think of Sable? NASH: Oh, Sable... MARK : Well, I didn't mean just the blast, but... oh, well. STEVE: Yeah, but now we've got to *stand* through the rest of this thing! SAMANTHA: Sorry about that. But at least we've only got two pages left. WRESTLERS: >Repeatedly she told herself ALL: There's no place like home... there's no place like home... >this was a dream and Someday she will be free From Sonic, and Free from >pain......Free From Sonic, and Free From Pain.... BRET: I'd like to be free from Sonic and free from the pain, too. SAMANTHA: I think someone has finally cracked. NASH: Well, being in Kefka's world is gonna have a bad effect on anyone, sooner or later. > > ><> [Everyone bursts into wild cheers] >the saga continues! [Everyone immediately falls silent] >our adventurers will soon split MARK: They're asexually reproducing! NO! >and find their own way around Mobius and meet up to finally take down the Evil >Sonic. STEVE: Thanks for keeping the suspense up, Kefka.. >~~~Coming Soon~~~~ "You can do nothing" SAMANTHA: Kinda describes us, don't it? > >Tails is haunted by horrible nightmares brought on by Sonics cruel magic, >the raping of Princess Sally ALL: Booo!!! >and a challenge for Miles to come and stop all >this. . . SAMANTHA: Miles? Oh, Tails. >will Tails yield to challenge or will he endure the nightmares? BRET: Either way, it's gonna suck and we'll have to read it! > >Mecha Sonic.....Giving you none stop action when it comes to stories. (yeah >right) SAMANTHA: The story that puts itself down. BRET: First truthful thing yet... > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~ >~~~~ SAMANTHA: Again with the lines? > >CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . . SAMANTHA: Ahh!!! Not again! NASH: You know, I could block out your view of the screen if you'd stand *really* close to me... preferably with your tongue in my mouth... [Samantha promptly kicks Nash in the cajones. Nash whimpers and collapses to the ground] MARK: Ooh, talk about giant-killing... > >Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Now the Dark Ruler of the new world, >his dark actions will someday become his undoing....but when.... STEVE: Probably after he's raped every single character in this story at least once. BRET: Steve, no! STEVE: It's true and you know it! We'll see Sonic and Antoine any minute now! SAMANTHA: STEVE!! That's sick! [suddenly grins] What do *you* think, Kevin? [NASH whimpers weakly in an incredibly high-pitched tone] SAMANTHA: That's what I thought. > >Miles "Tails" Prowers / The Gray Fox : Miles was always a born leader, as >his comrades begin to grow so do his worries 'bout if he has the right >stuff and does he deserve their confidence.... MARK: You know, generic leader worries. BRET [singing]: Oh oh oh-oh-oh... the right stuff... > >Antoine / Tony / T'wan : Antoine had always love the Princess Sally, but he >found out one day that his true love was Bunny Rabot, now she is dead, NASH : And Antoine's still... a loser... [Bret begins helping Nash up] >and he has lived a very lonely life, BRET: 'Going-to-see-Showgirls' lonely. >but will that change with the appearance >of Locy? SAMANTHA: That jerk was always lonely, right? GUYS: Right! > >Knuckles / Red Claw : Knuckles rage and hate for Sonic has lead him to find >his lost love, after 8 long years away from her, his fire's ashes has been >sparking and now are burning for her again. STEVE: Kefka's subtle imagery... it's beautiful. SAMANTHA: Someone get an extinguisher before he sets fire to what's left of the forest! >Is Knuckles still the >romantic Sonya Remembers or has his years away, alone, and hate made him >less emotional? MARK: So Knuckles would be very *calmly* vengeful, then. SAMANTHA: Cold vengeance is the *best* vengeance. > >Princess Sally : Sally continues to remain Sonic's slave. However as time >passes and more good news spreads she is filled with happiness, NASH: Among other things... BRET: NASH!! >the Freedom >Fighters are not fully dead...she has trained Tails well, but suffers >Sonic's wrath for ever battles he loses.... SAMANTHA: Hey, Kefka! Ever hear of the letter y? Try using it every once in a while! > >Sonya Sho Eiji / Sonya Sho Robotnik : At last she has found her two long >lost loves, Knuckles and her father. She has shown her love for both >deeply [Steve stares at the screen in horror and whimpers] BRET: Be strong! Think pure thoughts! NASH: Looks like Tails has been thrown to the curb... >but if and when the times comes and she must once again >choose...will time flow like a river and repeat itself? MARK: Just like this story? SAMANTHA: So cursing her father was just her means of expressing love. God, these people are twisted. > >Locy Hottovy : Young Locy knows nothing of Mobius other then what her >master has taught her, however love is not a foreign concept to her, is she >having feelings for Antoine? STEVE: Ew. I hope not. >or is this all just a trick? ALL: Trick! Trick! >Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Lunarus: After years imprisoned on a space station in >the DarkSun sector, Robotnik has had time to think of his past crimes and >atrocities, has this big lug finally decided to go straight and help save a >world he tried to take over? NASH: Is that nutty Robotnik finally going to stop being an evil bastard? >or will his new found Lunar powers get the >better of him? BRET : *Will* Robotnik be corrupted by the Ginzuishou? SAMANTHA: As soon as Sonic is out of the way, he'll just go evil again. MARK: Doubtful. That would be far too in-character for our creative friend Kefka. > >Mecha Sonic: though once Loyal to Robotnik, then To Snively, then Sonic, >then Robotnik again, this Robot has quite a code of honor. SAMANTHA: Yeah, and it starts off with saving his own ass! >Only Robotnik >seems to understand this code well and most likely will prove to be a >faithful companion to the doctor... STEVE: Hopefully not his *longtime* companion... BRET: Steve! What's gotten into you? STEVE: You read this story! How could I not be paranoid? >however.... can Mecha just give up his >programming to be loyal to Sonic so easily? ALL: NO! STEVE: Maybe he'll short circuit and explode, killing everybody in an explosion of nuclear proportions... yeah... hee hee.... > >All other Characters are strictly extras in this chapter. NASH: They're just extras getting paid three cents a day to fill crowd scenes. SAMANTHA: Which means that they'll be killed off pretty soon. BRET: Hey, it's over! Lets go! STEVE: Oh, thank you thank you thank you... [DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...] Finally back on the SON, the MSTiers were all coming down form Kefka's story in various ways. Bret had gone back to work on the Satellite's control console, trying to track down Bischoff. Steve and Mark had pulled out the TV, VCR, and couch, and were in the process of watching "Vision of Escaflowne" to clear their minds of Kefka. Samantha had gone to get a change of clothes from the wardrobe the computer had replicated for her. And as for Nash... Mark and Steve suddenly looked up as Nash dashed through the bridge, carrying a huge armful of what looked like women's clothes. Steve arched an eyebrow at Mark, who simply shrugged his shoulders. Nash came back onto the bridge a few minutes later, with an enormous grin on his face. He stood behind Bret and asked, "So how's it goin'?" "Finding Bischoff? Not that bad... in fact..." The Viewscreen flared to life as the Satellite found Eric Bischoff's life sign. He was running through one of Cefiro's thick forests, pursued by the sorceress Alcione who had unfortunately mistaken him for a Magic Knight. Her mystic unicorn steed was having some difficulty making through the forest, and she was beginning to wish that she hadn't summoned it at all. Soon, Eric was far ahead of her and nearly out of forest. Just outside of the forest, a powerful Guru was getting ready to bestow the gift of magic on the three young girls who were the real Magic Knights. Unfortunately, he wasn't counting on interference... "Accept... MAGIC GIFT!!" the Guru cried, drawing a bolt of raw magical energy from the sky. He channeled it through his hands, and then directed towards the three girls who stood before him. The wave never reached them. Instead it hit a panicked human who ran blindly into its way. Both the mystic energy and the human disappeared in a brilliant flash of light. "THE HELL?!" Guru Clef exclaimed. "Perhaps you should try again, Clef-san," noted the blonde girl. Bischoff felt himself hurled through space and time again, this time landing on a very hard surface. He pulled himself up, surprised to see that he was neither hurt nor unconscious. He felt... different. He was also very surprised to see that he was in his ring gear: nWo T-shirt, black jeans, leather jacket, even a nifty pair of shades. As he tried to take his bearings, he heard a feminine voice off to his right. "Tsuki ni kawatte... OSHIOKIYO!!!" The image on the Viewscreen suddenly faded away as the Satellite's Magic voice announced, "Tranzz-mee-shion intarupp'ted bah luna pozzi-shio-ning. Can rezume tranzz-mee- shion in a-proximuttly six houwas." "What?" Nash asked. "I think it means that the moon's position is breaking up the transmission. Pretty ironic," Bret replied. "I hope Bischoff can take a lot of aggressive prettyness..." Bret was interrupted by an angered female scream. Samantha stomped into the room, her eyes glowing red, a clear signal that not only was she tapping into the inner warrior's soul that gave her power, but that she was also extremely pissed off. She was wearing a shiny black leather halter top, *little* black leather shorts that were slit up the sides, and a pair of shiny black wrestling boots that laced up to the knee. Essentially, it was Sable's ring gear from Wrestlemania 14. Nash grinned blissfully as the other guys tried really hard not to stare. "ALL of my clothes are like this," Samantha growled as she stared angrily at Nash. "YOU WILL PAY!!" "Some things are worth the price," Nash replied happily. CONTINUED IN PART THREE! BORING STUFF: All of the Copyright notices from part one apply here. Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi/Toei animation, God bless 'em! ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended toward FunkyK or Kefka the Dark One/Mecha Sonic. Funky K wrote a fun little story that was more MSTable than really bad. And as always, I still believe Kefka is a very imaginative author with a lot of potential who just needs to quit doing Dark Sonic lemons. I wish them both luck in the future! LYNX'S NOTES: We're through round two! And believe it or not, round three is even worse! Still, this has been a great story to do. After I get through some of my other projects, I may tackle another series like this. Any opinions on that? Anyhow, thanks go out to the Shadowman for editing and adding a few jokes to the short and Karmacide for the Head action figures idea. Major thanks go out to Meerkat294@aol.com (sorry if the address is wrong), for sending me FunkyK's hilarious short. Mark's conspiracy theory regarding Chris Jericho and J.J. Dillon is a shameless rip-off of the hilarious 'Chris Jericho Conspiracy' article that appears on www.ddtdigest.com. It's by Chan and Charlie, and it's really damn funny. Go read it! Finally, I would like to thank RainyDayG@aol.com and KaycieGrl@aol.com for sending me some very supportive comments regarding MWT3K. You have no idea how much we MSTiers love that! Anyhoo, I hope everyone enjoyed my latest efforts! JOLT's NOTES: I am seriously beginning to think, as a member of the SVAM review council, that if Kefka has any more fanfics like this, that there should be a section set aside for him. This section *will* be called the Pit of Kefka. [Extra LYNX note: Actually, Kefka does have some Final Fantasy fanfics...] J-BOOGIE's NOTES: Yeeee!! Two down!! This is fun!! I don't have much to say this time. So, catch ya'll next part! Yes, I am the modest one, aren't I? EXTRA JOLT!!! NOTE: Yes you are, JB. E-mail Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com E-mail Jolt!: xwing@uniserve.com E-mail J-Boogie: WHolden535@aol.com ____________________________________________ > "hey if you cant smell the chili dogs stay out of the kitchen!" she >laughed right before running into a wall and smashing her face in.....