Mystery Wrestling Theater post 104, round 1: A sorceror, A demon, and Emeralds', part 1 WRITTEN BY: Kefka the Dark One/Mecha-Sonic Trios MSTIED BY: Alicia Ashby a.k.a. Lynxara CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!! CO-MSTIED BY: Justin Golden a.k.a J-Boogie! Whoopie!! JAMIE JEANS: Together, we are THE TRIPLE THREAT!!! J-BOOGIE: YEAH! Snap into a slim jim!! Ooops, wrong rant. LYNXARA: Remember Sable 3:16, Boys n girls -- "I will have back problems!" [NOTE: Yes, I know I usually do my MiSTs in script form. However, the six parts of post 104 will be in prose. Why? Because I felt like it. Now, on with the show!] Eric Bischoff, President and general head honcho of World Championship Wrestling, darted onto the bridge of the Satellite of Nitro. He'd been trapped on the Satellite for a little over a month now, so he was finally getting used to the blaring sirens and livid red lights that announced an incoming message from the Dark One. However, they had never come this early in the morning before. He reached the bridge and turned off the sirens. From another passage shambled in 'Diamond Dallas' Page Faulkenberg. Page looked even more rough than usual, so Eric guessed that he had just gotten up. Upon reaching the control console, Page yelled 'Page breakfast number two!' into a nearby speaker. A bottle of gin and a shot glass arose from the depths of the console. Page began downing shots bitterly. Eric smiled. "He should be coherent around number four," he thought to himself. Entering last, from a third passage, came Steve Borden (aka Sting) and Bret 'the Hitman' Hart. Judging from their clothes -- and their smell -- Eric guessed that they had just been in the weight room. And, of course, they were arguing. "You got saved by the bell, Pinky! I WON!" Steve shouted. "It was a draw," Bret countered coolly. "I did more reps than you!" Steve shouted again. "You were skipping numbers! My arms are better, and I WON." Bret's face finally registered annoyance. "Listen, which one of us had to go to a half-off lately?" "Which one of us has ALWAYS had to wear a half-off?" Steve replied. "Quiet, guys," Eric admonished. "Power and Glory are calling." Vince McMahon, owner and general head honcho of the rival World Wrestling Federation, giggled manaicly as the transmission from the Satellite came into Titan 13. At his side was WWF Intercontinental champion Rocky Maivia, smiling his ever-cheesy smile. "Greetings, Hulkamaniacs! Do you know why I'm calling?" Back on the Satellite, Eric replied, "Well... no. It's still a couple of days before our next post." Vince laughed darkly. "You see, I've finally finished it! My ticket to world domination! THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!" The camera panned back to reveal a massive spire of twisted metal jutting out of T13's center. At its base was the complex looking bank of controls that Vince and Rocky were standing in front of. As the camera pulled back in, an empty round aperture in the control bank became noticeable. Page squinted at the image of the tower presented on the SoN's viewscreen. "Phallic symbol," he finally announced. Eric grinned and continued, "Yeah, Vinnie Mac, that looks like some major psychological compensation!" Vince glowered at them through the Viewscreen. "You know, the only thing I've never been able to do to you boobies is make you fear me. But THAT'S all over!" Vince pulled a silvery crystal out of his suit pocket and inserted it in the aperture in the control bank. "Rock, tell them what they've won!" Vince said as he began adjusting the various dials and switches on the Machine. The camera panned over to rest on the Rock's face. "Eric Bischoff and *all* the inhabitatnts of the Satellite of Nitro have won the right to be Vince's guinea pigs for the test of the Doomsday Machine! God only knows what will happen to you as undescribable amounts of arcane energy are blasted through the delicate electronic systems that protect you from the cold, deadly vacuum of space!" Rocky flashed a brilliant smile at them to finish. Eric blanched. "W-what?" Steve shook his head in disapproval. "I think you two have taken this whole corporate warfare thing a bit too far." Eric glared at Steve -- who had the audacity to have no idea what was going on -- and then looked back at the viewscreen. "Vince, you can't do this! You'd be responsible for the deaths of three people and an executive!" Bret nodded. "I'm pretty sure you can be fined for that." Vince grinned madly back at them through the monitor. "Your legal system can JUMP UP MY BUTT, has-been! I'm going to conquer the universe... STARTING WITH YOU!!" With that, Vince pulled the final switch. The Doomsday Machine glowed blue as it pulled energy from the Silver Crystal. It flashed up the spire in lightning-like bursts, gathering at the spire's pointed top. The machinery hummed with the power of the vast forces it contained. A powerful wind blew up as the Machine ripped a vortex into the very fabric of time and space. Vince laughed madly as the vortex grew larger and larger; Rocky made a point of getting a firmer grip on his Intercontinental Title. Page's eyes opened a little bit wider as he gazed on the scene in the Viewscreen. "This is bad, isn't it?" The Satellite's proximity alarms went off as its sensors detected a vast disturbance beneath them. Eric looked at the readouts as they appeared on the control deck's screen. "This is *really* bad. Check out Rocket Number 9!" The SON's inhabitants gasped as another space-time vortex, this one enormous, formed underneath the Satellite. Suddenly, the energy orb gathering at the tip of the Doomsday Machine exploded upward, flying through the portals to slam into the Satellite. The orb's energy surged through the Satellite's systems, charging them with vast amounts of energy. Eric screamed as he was caught in the energy field being emitted from the control console. Showers of sparks exploded out of the SON's paneling as circuitry overloaded and fried. Eric's screams cracked up an octave as the energy surge seemed to be focusing on him and the console. "CHRIST!!" Page swore as the Satellite exploded around him. His boss -- and meal ticket -- was getting fried, and Steve and Bret were trapped behind a section of exploding floor paneling. Page decided to take things into his own hands. He rushed at Eric, hoping a good hard shoulderblock would break the connection. Page picked exactly the wrong time to try it. As he began to run, the entire Satellite jolted to the left. The power surge had hit the stabilization systems. Page ended up not running so much as being thrown. The jolt also threw Steve bodily into Bret, and then slammed the both of them into a wall. Right as Page's flying body hit Bischoff, the surging energy exploded into a blinding white flash. "Wow. That was pretty neat," Rocky marvelled. Up until now, he had absolutely no idea what the Doomsday Machine did. He was pretty sure Vince hadn't either. But, judging from how dark and lifeless the Satellite looked on the Viewscreen, it had worked pretty well. Steve came to just as the lights flickered back on. He looked around, and was disturbed to find that Page and Eric were gone. Smoke was rising from the many damaged portions of the Satellite's panelling, and the console looked completely messed up. Bret was still out cold, so Steve decided to check around the different parts of the Satellite to see how much damage had been done. There wasn't much else he could do, as he couldn't operate the Satellite controls under even the best conditions. He checked through the living quarters (okay, but Page would be pissed about the loss of his beer bottle collection), the workout room, the kitchens, the Holocabana (which no one could figure out how to operate -- something about a Megane 6.7 clause), the library, the pool, the atrium, the greenhouse, the apiary, and the grand ballroom. For the most part, everything was visibly damaged and smoky but still operational. However, ther were some casualties. His beloved full run of Masaomi Kanzaki's Xenon' had caught fire, which would force him to buy those damn tiny Viz reprints. The rec room had been totally slagged. Damn, he'd miss that foozball table. Worst of all, though, was the loss of their precious store of Jello 1-2-3. He was finishing his check with the docking bay, where enough supplies to keep them alive and well for years were stored. As he checked through the boxes and equipment, he found that most were okay (including that box marked hamdingers' -- why the hell had Vince sent them hamdingers?). He was about to leave when he heard a faint scratching sound, like metal against metal. He turned around to investigate, wondering if there was some exposed wiring. As he got closer to what he thought was the source, the noise stopped. Still, he had to find out... "KYYYYYY-AAAAHHHH!" Steve had the presence of mind to roll out of the way as he heard the high-pitched swishing sound of steel hissing through the air. He looked up to see a *woman* -- A WOMAN -- with an angry look on her face and a sword in her hands. She was *very* striking. Not only was she beautiful and wearing a skintight outfit, but SHE WAS A REAL LIVE WOMAN ON THE SATELLITE!! Of course, the fact that she was armed to the teeth took away from the effect a little. But after a straight month of looking at Bischoff every day, he'd take whatever came along. Which brought up a good question into his hormone-fogged brain -- how did she get there? Apparently, she was wondering the same thing. Her eyes were nearly red -- no, they literally were red. She brandished her sword at Steve, and said in sort of a controlled yell, "I don't know *who* you are, or *why* I'm here, but you had better send me back NOW!" Steve raised his hands in the universal 'hey-don't-kill-me' gesture. "Trust me, I would if I could. But I don't know how you got here, so I can't. And if I knew some way of leaving here, I'd already be gone!" he babbled. The woman arched an eyebrow at him, and then lowered her sword. He was big, but he seemed harmless (and goofy) enough. Steve smiled as she let down her guard. People just seemed to trust him for some reason. She looked around speculatively at the docking bay, obviously trying to get her bearings. Steve smiled and said, "Um... you're probably wondering where you are. Well, see it's kind of a long story..." * * * "... so, because we work for the competition, Vince McMahon has trapped us up here and makes us read really bad internet posts," Steve finished as the pair walked onto the bridge. The woman rolled her eyes. "Where have I heard *that* before?" Bret, who had long since regained consciousness, was typing viciously at the controls. Two *really* tall guys were standing behind him. He recognized one. "NASH!" Steve yelled. "How did you get here?" Kevin Nash shrugged. "Beats the hell outta me. One minute, I'm hangin' out before the show, the next I'm here." "Much the same thing happened to me," added in the other big man. Steve looked at him a bit harder as he tried to recognize him. Long reddish- brown hair, extremely pale skin... "That's Mark Calloway! You know, the Undertaker?" Bret said in exasperation. He was trying to get the central CPU back on-line, and it wasn't coming along very well. Steve and Mark exchanged a long glance. Then, they finally exclaimed, "I *love* your work!!" "And I'm Samantha Jones, RPG character and vigilante at large. Just off-hand, I'd say Vince accidentally built a teleportation device. It probably got screwed up and emitted a Deus Ex Machina field that brought all of us here." Bret's hands slammed numbly onto the keyboard as Samantha stepped into the light and introduced herself. A beatific smile dawned on Nash's face, and even the stoic Mark seemed impressed. "Isn't she neat?" Steve said proudly. "Sah-tellite of Nah-tro comin' online," announced a weirdly distorted Magic Voice. Mark glanced down at Bret and asked, "Dusty Rhodes?" Bret grinned sheepishly and replied, "I guess I hit the wrong button." Suddenly, the formerly static Viewscreen was filled with the leering face of Vincent K McMahon. Vince cackled madly as he said, "I've heard everything that's been said, Degeneration X! If I have a teleportation device here, that means Bitchoff and your glorified jobber could be anywhere in the universe right now! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!! And don't think you won't be joining them as soon as I get this thing fixed!" "But Vince, I work for you," Mark reminded him. "And I'm just an innocent bystander!" Samantha added "Well, you know what they say. If you want to make an omelet, you have to be willing to set the kitchen on fire!' So, Rock, give them something to keep them busy while I attend to business." Vince then turned away from the camera and started working on the Doomsday Machine's controls. "Gotcha, Vince. Well, we don't have any wrestling posts ready, but we do have 'A demon, A sorceror, and Emeralds'. It's an unbelieveably evil Sonic the Hedgehog lemon --" "Gonterman?! NOOOOOO!" Samantha screamed. "No, it's not Gonterman," Rocky continued. "It's by someone who calls him or herself Kefka the Dark One'. So enjoy *your* story." Rocky then pressed the button. Despite all the fire damage, the sirens and lights that announced an incoming post were still operating properly. "WHAT?!" Nash yelled. "We have to go into the theater now. I've done this before," Samantha said. "That's right!" Bret added. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!" And as the guys (and girl) ran into the theater, an introductory theme song spontaneously cued up.... In the not too distant future Lost in time and space Our hero, Eric Bischoff, is trapped in an endless chase! Pursued throughout the multiverse, He's trying to escape Vince's curse, And since DDP is MIA, Vince has a new way to dish out pain! "I'll still send bad posts, up to the Satellite! And I'll use my evil new Machine To crush all in my sight!" Keep in mind that Steve and Bret, haven't been left alone, Cause three new vict -- er, faces will call the Satellite home! WRESTLER ROLL CALL! STEVE! (The Stinger!) BRET! (He's Canadian!) MARK! (The Taker!) NASH! (I'm huge!) SA-MAN-THA JONES! (What am I doing here?) So if you're worried about Bisch and Page, And if this story just seems whacked, Just repeat to yourself, "Wrestling is fake! I should really just relax!" FOR MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000! [We hear the Guitar twang as the door sequence completes. Everyone enters the theater. They sit, from l-to-r: Steve, Mark, Samantha, Nash, Bret] NASH: So exactly what are we doing, now? STEVE: Well, this is usually when we read the post and riff it. NASH: Man. This could only be better if they paid us! >><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> SAMANTHA: Whoa! That's alot of... stuff. BRET: No, I think they're fishes. ><> See? STEVE: And I think you've been up here too long. >><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> >>{DUE TO VIOLENT CONTENTS, AND PROFANITY READERS DISCRETION IS >>ADVISED SAMANTHA: Now if I figure this right, Gonterman should be coming out to rant about censorship or some other crap. NASH: You can't forget his rants against the so called attempt to turn him towards homosexuality. BRET: [growling slightly] Or sleeping with Sailor Moon. As a fox even!! STEVE: So kiddies, what does this prove? That our "friend" David is a whiny, flametroller that lives in his own fantasy world. Sad, isn't it? ><><><><>Your warned kiddies} NASH : --will probably read this fanfic, have their minds warped, and turn into my mindless zombies!! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! BRET: Oh yeah, this story is going to go down smoooooooth... ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><>< ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> >A SAMANTHA: -- fanfic too much... >Sonic The Hedgehog Story ~-<{<>}>-~ MARK: Sorcerers, and demons, and emeralds... oh my! Sorry, just had to get that outta my system. >(PART1) Written by: Kefka The Dark One SAMANTHA: The hell...? I thought he was killed at the end of Final Fantasy! MARK: Apparently our author decided to name his/herself after him. [ponders a moment] You know, that's NOT a good sign. STEVE: Hmm, which part: The fact the author wishes to be a reincarnated villain, which is a bad sign, or the fact that he's writting a dark fic about Sonic the Hedgehog, which is an even WORSE sign? >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ >Dedicated to: Locy & Jai, All my Cserve friends, all my AOL buddies, NASH : All of my twisted little geeky friends who have nothing better to do than worship a crappy kids' show... BRET: NASH! No name calling! SAMANTHA: Okay, so Gonterman didn't show up, but he influences people... I need to beat him up really bad. Stone Cold didn't do too good a job. STEVE: I hope Austin didn't hear that... >Annie >Arellano, and of course the man who created Sonic The Hedgehog, and the >man who created Final Fantasy 3. MARK: I would like to take this opportunity to point out that most Japanese video games are made by soulless multi-member development teams. Thank you. BRET: Still doesn't make much of a difference. People still go out and by them. STEVE: Kind of like those Sailor Moon games I saw you stashing before. BRET: [mutters under his breath] Shut up. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ SAMANTHA: And here we have the great Hoover Dam... STEVE: Look, they're doing the wave! >Letter Response: Since I have a few fans [NASH coughs loudly into his hand, making a noise that sounds suspiciously like bullsh*t'] BRET: NASH!! SAMANTHA: Your mom and yourself don't count, Kefka. >(and perhaps I will gain more >with this Story!) [ALL burst out laughing] NASH: That's funnier than Steve winning the Intercontinental Title!! STEVE: Yeah, hee hee... [pause] HEY!! >I was hoping Anyone with comments, Idea, or wish to ask >for rights to use any of this story would send E-mail to any of the >following Addresses...... KefkaDark1@Surenet.com KefkaDark1@AOL.Com >KefkaDark1@Earthlink.net SAMANTHA: Hmm... uh... BRET: Can you say ego? STEVE: Like you should talk, Maple-Ass! BRET: Listen, *Captain Originality*, you -- SAMANTHA: Quit it *boys*! NASH: No, let them go at it! That's how we settle things. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ >Lawful Crap: SAMANTHA: That's legal stuff. Get it right! NASH: Unless he's trying to copyright his-- STEVE: NASH!! No!! >Sonic The Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prowers, Dr. Robotnik and >all other related characters are based on the characters created by SEGA, >Archie Comic publication, DIC's Sonic The Hedgehog Old Saturday Cartoon, MARK: Yes, that *is* its real name. >and SEGA of AMERICA. Other such Ch aracters are created from the minds of >Aaron Lye, Elizabeth Ramirez and Alex Arellano SAMANTHA [groans]: Great... more self-insertion. BRET: The worst thing about Sonic fanfiction is how in-bred it all is! >Final Fantasy 3, Kefka, and >other such things are based on the characters and items created by >SquareSoft inc. NASH : ... who would be shocked and horrified at my abuse of them. >1) No one can use the Characters Aaron Lye, Elizabeth >Ramirez, or Alex Arellano created without written permission to the >author. SAMANTHA: But that doesn't mean we can't riff it to hell! >2) This file is not to be placed upon a Web site or On-line >Service without written approval from the authors UNKNOWN VOICE: Of course, since with this MSTing, it becomes our property and we can post it at will. Don't you just love loopholes, people? SMANTHA: Who was that? BRET: Probably some small time author trying to self insert himself. UV: HEY!! >3)No one says anything >about how cruel I make Sonic STEVE: Just *try* and enforce that! SAMANTHA: Alas dear Sonic, we knew your character well... BRET: I said the same thing about my buddy here right after Starrcade. STEVE: HEY! It was all your fault, anyway! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ >Brief summery: With the defeat of Snively, a new character takes control . >. . his name is Sonic Hedgehog. SAMANTHA: But isn't he...? BRET: Don't think about it. MARK: Ah, stock plot number 134... 'Hero goes bad.' BRET: I thought stock plot number 134 was 'Love interests are really siblings.' MARK: No, that's stock plot number 179. BRET: Oh. >And he's taken over, destroyed the >Freedom Fighters, and created Mobius onto his own now Darken Image. NASH: Isn't that a Goth clothing store? SAMANTHA: Kefka's been taking lessons from Dr.Thinker, I see. STEVE: Lucky for us he didn't listen to all of his teachings. This is still slightly readable. >The >Trio of Remaining Freedom Fighters must now face their old comrade and >stop him from his 8 year reign. . . . .They search for the one thing that >will destroy his reign . . .the TIME STONES SAMANTHA [stands up and rants]: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! DON'T USE TIME TRAVEL!!! IT'S A STUPID PLOT DEVICE!!! AARRGGHH!!! NASH: Want me to *comfort* you? SAMANTHA: BAKA! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ > >~~~~~~~~~ >FORWARD >~~~~~~~~~ [ALL are pressed back into their seats for a split second before being shot forward out of their seats. Samantha lands on Nash] NASH [cockily]: Why, Samantha... SAMANTHA [growls and gets off him]: Baka! > The Great Unknown. . . .silent, deadly, yet somewhat exciting, >bold, adventurous BRET: Sort of sounds like a Marines commercial to me. >. . . quiet today, strangely quiet. . . . STEVE : Yeah, it's cliched. A little *too* cliched. > >Ten Seconds. . . . > > The Bristling dead trees begin to howl with the strange wind. . BRET: Honey, call the neighbors! Their bristling dead trees are howling again! > > >Nine Seconds . . . . SAMANTHA: Uh-oh. I think someone hit the self-destruct to this fanfic. MARK: That sounds like a good idea, considering the story concept thus far. SAMANTHA: I couldn't agree with you more. [When, Samantha isn't looking, Mark turns to Nash and grins at him. Nash glowers darkly in return] > The Forces from an unknown origin is being felt by the fire ants. . > . STEVE: THE *FIRE ANTS*?! That changes everything! > >Eight Seconds . . . . > > The strange upcoming ear piercing zoom. . . . SAMANTHA: C-ko's crying, in other words. BRET: Sounds more like Usagi crying. STEVE: You would know, fanboy. BRET: Grrr... if there wasn't a lady here-- STEVE: --You'd be cowering in the corner. BRET: THAT'S IT!! SAMANTHA: HEY, YOU TWO!! QUIT IT ALREADY!! [Bret and Steve sit down, chagrined and muttering apologies] >Seven Seconds . . . . > > The Rumbling pebbles slowly dance on the ground. . . NASH: So that's where she went after the Flintstones ended. Shame really... SAMANTHA: So the rocks were having a party? MARK: Yes. At the moment, they're doing a lovely minuet. >Six Seconds . . . . . > > The winds howl louder. . . [ALL make howling noises. Nash and Steve then begin to sing the Wolfpac intro song] >Five Seconds . . . . > > Creatures of Mobius scamper into a hiding place as this unknown >forces comes. . . NASH: It's Hulk Hogan's ego! RUN! BRET: Wouldn't that be more like a black hole? SAMANTHA: It's called a bad fanfic. Get used to it, little guys. >Four Seconds . . . . . STEVE: ...and a partridge in a pear tree! Enough already! > > A streaking Blue light slams past the plains heading towards a >mountain. . . . ALL : Gee, we wonder who it is. SAMANTHA: Hmm, but if that was a streak of blue lightning, then I'd have to worry about this being a cross-over fanfic... > >Three Seconds . . . . > > It Slows its pace to view its surroundings . . .Sonic gazes left >and right then smiles. . . SAMANTHA: The acid was finally kicking in. NASH :Whu-how... this stuff rules... the colors... oh wait, I have to slow down first. >Two Seconds. . . . . > > He finds his destination and blasted away towards it. . . . > >1 Second . . . . . > STEVE: KA-BOOM! Everyone died. The end. So whats happening on RAW? > The Sonic Boom Is heard. . . . [ALL shake about in their seats] SAMANTHA: I think someone had better turn down the bass. NASH: No, that's what makes the music *good*! > Sonic Ran past the first mountain holding the laid out map Sally >gave him. MARK : Hey! Give that back to me, you big chunk of rock!! >"This is the place, hope Sally girls right. . " SAMANTHA: Uh... yeah. >Sonic Stopped to a dead halt and slowly entered the dark Cavern. He took a flash light >from his brown backpack and turned it on, he viewed a strange black >substance that seem to reflect the light off into different areas of the >cave. NASH: That's *paint*, Sonic. SAMANTHA: A run-on sentence at the beginning... oh joy. >"What in the name of Mobian is this?" Deeper he entered into the >cave, he wandered a half hour, partly frustrated and somewhat dumbfounded. STEVE: Not to mention three-fifths bemused and 14% nauseated. BRET: With just a dash of haught! NASH: ... for FLAVA! >"Dang, this is like a labyrinth, NASH: So where's the girl, the stupid monsters, and the over the hill rock star? BRET: He said *a* labyrinth, not *the* Labyrinth. > How did Sally expect me to find that rock >material if I cant even find my way out?" SAMANTHA: Materia? When did we cross over into FF7? MARK: That's *material*. SAMANTHA: Oh. >Sonic mumbled. He didnt have >time to complain anymore, for once he said that he stepped upon weak >ground, under his weight it collapsed sending him plummeting below, >screaming all the way. STEVE: So if Sonic said all that, couldn't he have just avoided it in the first place? NASH: He hit the ground 300 miles below and died. The end. So what's happening on RAW? BRET: It's not gonna be *that* easy. > The impact STEVE: The *deep* impact? MARK: We'd be lucky to have a comet wipe out this story. >wasn't that hard, he was only out for a few minutes, he >groaned and slowly opened his eyes, there was a blinding flash when he did >so, Sonic screamed again and shielded his eyes. MARK: There was a run-on sentence, it was really long, it didn't use the right punctuation. ><I have waited,>> BRET : And waited and waited... do you know how boring it is not to have a body? I can't even play tiddly winks! > "W...Who are you?!" Sonic screamed out. "How do you know about >me!" SAMANTHA : I'm the author. I know everything. > <with such power to finally release me from this imprisonment of crystal.>> BRET: Hmm... MARK: What are you thinking about Bret? BRET: Tenchi Muyo, for some reason... >Sonic rose from his resting place and looked around, he saw a room covered >in black crystal. In the Center was an Emerald of Black. BRET: Right next to a Ruby of Turquoise and a Sapphire of Puce. ><years I have waiting for you Sonic, now come closer to me. . .>> SAMANTHA: Come on! You know you want to touch it! > "Where are you," Spoke Sonic in his typical voice STEVE: So he *wasn't* doing impressions? >trying to conceal his fear. SAMANTHA: And the author trying to write a good fanfic. > <shall take me from this place.>> NASH: Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll sink on his maiden voyage... > "Better yet what are you." MARK : A plot contrivance, pretty much. >Retorted Sonic, almost obeying he >walked toward the crystal and gazed into its center. SAMANTHA : And what the hell have you done with all my commas and periods? NASH: Well, is it that time... [gets punched by Bret] BRET: Don't go there. > <I am the Chaos Emerald of >Darkness, stricken from memory by those wretched Guardians. They claimed >I corrupt and destroy, STEVE : Just because I'm evil! Man, what *jerks*. >but now things will change Sonic Hedgehog. You are >my Avatar, BRET: Please tell me this isn't a crossover into Ultima... MARK: His *Author* Avatar? >you shall rule this world, with my essence living in you and >giving you power.>> Sonic Stepped back. SAMANTHA: And got out of the fanfic. Good for him! > "Sorry pal, I don't help evil. NASH : At least not for *free*, if you get my drift... >I Should take you back to the >Guardians so they can put you in a safer place, if old Sni-vly got his >hands on your we'd all be in trouble." Sonic reached out for the gem. SAMANTHA: Oh god! This *has* to be one of the all-time most stereotypical acts in horror movies! Reach out and touch the gem of evil! Brilliant idea! > <destroy Sinvely and the world would praise you.>> BRET : Not that I'm trying to tempt you into joining the forces of darkness or anything... >The crystal paused as Sonic did. SAMANTHA: So they both paused simultaneously. >If it had a face it would be grinning evilly right now. <have never tasted the powers of darkness have you Sonic Hedgehog?>> MARK : It has a surprisingly minty flavor. NASH: Oh, come on Mark. You of all people should know that darkness is just too SWEEET! SAMANTHA: What is his *problem*? BRET: Well, Nash has built his whole career off of being a goofball. You can't blame him for never really stopping. NASH: Hey! Thats the one true giant goofball to you. [to Samantha] And I *am* a giant. SAMANTHA: Baka, baka, *baka*... >A dark >mist started to gather around the room, if Sonic saw it, he paid no heed. BRET: Probably because he's the one causing it. NASH: Sonic is partaking of the happy plant... >Sonic Shook his head shocked and somewhat interested. <by far this taste has been kept from you much too long Sonic Hedgehog. > Let the darkness enter you and savor the flavor of it.>> STEVE : The BEEFY, JUICY taste! >The mist circled >Sonic, bring strange ripples of ecstasy on him, ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! BRET: Oh, my stomach... SAMANTHA: Gonterman is co-writing this! I just know it! >seeping deeply into his pores. MARK: *That'll* cause blackheads. >He made a low moaning sound and fell to one knee trying to retrain >this strange growing pleasure tha t slowly aroused him. SAMANTHA: I'm beginning to get this strange feeling as well... BRET: I believe it's called an undeniable urge to kill the author or at least hurt him a lot'. SAMANTHA: Why... that's it exactly!!! ><is darkness. Do you now wonder why Robotnik, and Snively strive in doing >their sins?>> NASH: Man, I sinned my ass off at work today. > "P. . . Please. . .take it away. . . .to intense. . . .to strange. >. . please." Sonic begged. NASH: ECW? STEVE : Stop... taking away... all of my... o's... >He felt so strange as the hand of evil touch >him in ways he never felt before. It was arousing, energetic, and so >pleasing to the mind. NASH: Really, I would have thought Sally had taken care of that a long time ago. > <this world.>> SAMANTHA : And we can rule the galaxy as father and son! >Sonic was now on his knees, wet and drenched from his body >fluids and sweat. NASH: Not touching it. BRET [groaning]: Oh God, not ANOTHER furvert... >He looked up at the Crystal and prayed to all of Mobius >what he is about to do will be forgiven. . . . ALL: [singing] And you'll be unforgiven, too... > > >* * * SAMANTHA [sees stars and eyes go red]: Three stars?!?! Three stars my ass! NASH [grinning at Samantha]: And what a sweet-- SAMANTHA [cutting Nash off by punching him in the face]: Don't. > "Aunt Sally, how is Sonic doing?" Tails asked as she left Sonic's >room. NASH: Whoa! Tails had a sex change operation and nobody told us?! > "Well Honey, Sonic was found just out of the Great Forest, I don't >know how he managed to get here with the dehydration that happened to him, MARK: I just hate it when I'm walking along, minding my own business, and then I get dehydrated by somebody. Really ruins your day. BRET: [shudders] Whoo. Tank Girl flashback. STEVE: [stares at Bret] You actually WATCHED that?! BRET: Uh... no. I mean I was told about it... yeah... >but a few days rest and he'll be O.K." SAMANTHA: Cue the ignorance! > "what was that crystal he had in his backpack?" ALL: A CRYSTAL, STUPID! >Sally didnt reply >to that immediately. "Aunt Sally? how did he get so dehydrated?" that >question made Sally blush red. STEVE: As opposed to blushing green. >Tails had seen that blush before and >almost immediately realized why. SAMANTHA: So in other words, Tails had watched Sally and Sonic having sex... MARK: That's sure to warp a kid... BRET: What are you doing? Going for next years' best Crow/Martaism? SAMANTHA: Well... yeah. >"Oh," he said shyly, Tails decided to >drop that subject and back to the gem. "So what is the Crystal?" > "We don't know yet Tails." Sally started to walk away. "Isn't it >time for your lessons with Angela?" NASH: Lessons of *love*! BRET: Ew! Kevin, no! > "Yeah." > "Well, you better go, then after tell her I need to talk to her >after." NASH: Yeah, they're gonna have a private *chat*... if you know what I mean. BRET: Actually, I'd rather not know... NASH: Wuss. > > >* * * > > "So Angela, is it what I think it is?" Squeaked Sally. SAMANTHA: You had better put some oil on that. >Angela took >a close look into the crystal and gave a blank face. MARK : Here, have one on me. >She tried to casts >magic on it but it just bounced back. SAMANTHA: BOING! NASH: THWAP! STEVE : OW! MY EYE! > "Interesting, so very interesting." She tapped on the Gem. "Sally >I don't know. There was never a record of a Black Chaos Emerald. I cant >be for certain if this is or isn't a CHAOS BRET: INSANE! >Emerald." She turned away. "I >think only Sonic can tell us anything." > "but He ez in ze Camera." Said Antoine. [Upon hearing Antoine, the Guys all moan in pain.] SAMANTHA: What? MARK: Antoine is the Wesley Crusher of the 'Sonic the Hedgehog' series. STEVE: More like the Richie Ryan. Only Antoine probably won't have the decency to get killed. > "Coma Antoine, Coma." replied Tails. SAMANTHA: Considering the spelling thus far, does anyone here recognize the irony of bad spelling being corrected? > "Perhaps if I go back to my village and ask around, perhaps I can >find someone who knows of this Emerald. I shall return freedom fighters." >Angela Chanted and disappeared into a yellow light. NASH: Big deal. Let's see her do a jack-knife powerbomb. BRET: Kevin, *Sable* can do your *oh-so-devastating* finishing move. NASH: Shut up. Oh, wait a minute. Sable? Saaaaaay...... SAMANTHA: Easily distracted, huh? I'll have to remember that. > "I wish she would teach me that spell." whispered tails. No >sooner were his words spoken that Bunny rushed in with a worried look on >her face. SAMANTHA : Ah just found out that we're trapped in a horrible fanfic! > "Y'all better come quick! Sugar-Hog's Going wild!" STEVE: Hog Wild? NASH: No, Road Wild. SAMANTHA: Shh! You're only supposed to use that name when the two of you are alone! >* * * > > "Let me Go!! Let me Go!! Don't make me kill you!" Sonic screamed >out to Rotor who held him down in the bed. SAMANTHA: A Yaoi scene? Already? [Mark and Bret wretch at the thought] NASH: Do you know what they're talking about? STEVE: No, and I don't want to. > "Easy Sonic! Calm down! your back at KnotHole!" Rotar tried to >calm Sonic down BRET : Ro-tar, of the Hill People... >but only seemed to agitate him more. Sally and the others >arrived in time to see them struggling. NASH : Sonic! I thought I was your one and only! BRET: [punches Nash in the head] No! That's so wrong! > "Sonic! Sonic calm down!" Sally told him. > "Sally! Make him let me go! I need to get my backpack!" He >struggled more. > "Why?!" MARK : I've got Calculus homework! > "Please Bring me my backpack!" Tears Started to form in Sonic's >eyes. Sally saw this and started to worry. SAMANTHA: Crying? There's no crying in Sega! > "Tails go get his backpack." NASH : Let's give the little *baby* his *precious* crystal. > "Yes Aunt Sally" moments later tails returned with Sonic's >backpack. Sonic snatches its greedily from his paws. SAMANTHA : Damn greedily, always clinging onto my hands! > He tore it open and >looked in, his eyes darkened. NASH: His body shriveled, he turned into dust, Sonic was dead. > "No!! where is it?! where is my Emerald!?" He screeched. STEVE: Sonic is channeling Chris Jericho! SAMANTHA: For God's sake, Sonic, cut down on the coffee!!! > "I have it Sonic," Whispered sally. Sonic glared at her >hatefully. BRET : I want my binky! >"to observe it, we didnt know how you ended up the way you >did, NASH: He was doing the nasty with himself, remember? BRET: Gah... thank you for reminding me... >we thought perhaps the Emerald was the key. Where did you get it." > "Give me the Emerald back. . ." Sonic croaked. MARK: I see Sonic is a long-time smoker. NASH: He's dead. Let's go! BRET: It's not over yet... >"It holds the Key to killing Snively." > "what do you mean?" > "Trust me Sally. . . I have plans." BRET : Plans... lots of plans... Did I mention I had plans? >* * * > >< Nine Days Later> SAMANTHA: A vigilante and four wrestlers were *still* stuck in space reading fanfics. STEVE: And boy, are they pissed. > "HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!" Snively Snarled. NASH [snickering]: That's like saying 'Tenay commanded'. >Sally, Sonic, Tails, >Antoine, Rotor, Bunny, and Dulcy dispatched his SWATbot's with ease. >Sonic slowly advanced on him. [ALL whistle Clint Eastwood showdown theme] > "Well Snively, your time is over at last.....now... are you ready STEVE: Break it down! [Everyone except Bret and Samantha start doing the Degeneration X theme] >to die?" > "You wouldn't dare kill me hedgehog. . ." > "Wouldn't I?" Sonic darted to him and backhanded him hard. A >powerful force filled that blow, Snively went flying into the wall. Sonic >laughed a strange demonic laugh. It brought chills to the others. [ALL shiver] SAMANTHA: I think the air-conditioning needs to be turned down. > "Sonic don't hurt him anymore he must stand trial. For the sake BRET : --that we're gonna drink when we roast his ass. MARK: I don't think he was talking about rice wine... >of justice." Said Sally. Sonic glared at her then at Snively. > "your justice is nothing to me Sally. . . BRET : In fact, your justice can bite me! >Nothing. Once he is >dead I can take control." Sonic Grinned evilly his eyes almost glowing >with a red evil light. MARK: Sonic the Hedgehog, Star Child. SAMANTHA : I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!! BWAHAHAHA!!! > "Sonic . . . what did you say?" Sally was shocked at what she >heard. STEVE : Did you go and become evil, Sonic? > "You heard me Sally, I have plans, and the first one is killing >this bastard and ruling. With you by my side Sally. The rest of you my >followers and close command." > "Sonic, are you crazy, the right of the rule goes to the King of >Acorn, my father. . ." BRET: Who is brother of the King of Walnut, who's the brother of the King of Pine, who's the brother of the Queen of Almond, who's sister to the King of Pistachio... NASH: Bret, would you get off the nuts already? [A few moments after hearing this, Steve turns green and falls out of his chair, moaning in agony] STEVE: Horrible image... in head... make it stop, please... > "He isn't here is he Sally. . . NASH : So he can bite me, too! >You'd have to take control.... oh >I'm sure you wouldn't want that. . ." BRET : You *woman*. >he sneered, he picked up Snively and >spit in his eye, again he threw him. Snively cried out and backed away >gasping, tasting blood leaking from his mouth. SAMANTHA: As opposed to the other wounds on his body. MARK: So Snively tastes with his chin... >"Yes. . .Snively, fear me, >that look of fear in your eyes, god its so intoxicating....show me more of >that fear." Sonic picked him up and snarled. STEVE: Characterization, folks! Don't you love it? Don't you *miss* it right now? SAMANTHA: Down, boy, down!!! NASH: Why is Sonic sounding like a 'Penthouse' letter? > "Sonic! Put him down! what are you doing!?" Tails screamed, He >threw his hand up in the air and pointed to Sonic, a blast of Light shot >from them and slammed into Sonic. SAMANTHA: The hell...? Has Piccolo been giving free lessons again? BRET: Yet another sad example of Sonic the Hegehog fanfiction inbreeding. Someone wrote a perfectly good story where Tails became a sorceror, and it got turned into *this*. >He just glared at tails and threw >Snively at him. > "SO! you don't like it either eh? heheheh very well. . . does >anyone wish to join me as I take control?" there was no answer, no sound >either but the sound of Antoine's blade being drawn. GUYS: KILL ANTOINE! KILL ANTOINE! >"I see. . . .then >you have created your own fates. NASH: After all, there's no fate but what we make. >Feel the pow er of the Black Chaos >Emerald!" SAMANTHA: Watch as it fouls up any chance of decent writing and grammar! STEVE: As it twists a well loved character into a heartless bastard! BRET: And as it sends us further into the realm of insanity! >Sonic back away from them and laughed again, a sudden dark >feeling engulfed him, his body began to metamorphosed, his quills became >as dark as night, his eyes lost their once loving look, changed into a >soulless glare. A g ray smoke emitted from his now sinical looking body, >the rose his hands and an explosion of Fire became. . . . MARK: A shameless rip-off of me. BRET: Sonic's pulling a Kain and becoming a vampire. STEVE: Nobody's plunged a sword into his chest yet. BRET: Wishful thinking... SAMANTHA: Became what? Oh, come on! Don't leave us in suspense! > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Chapter 1: Blacken City >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STEVE: That's what I hear the new Crow movie is going to be called. > > > A small baby rabbits SAMANTHA: Whoa! Looks like there's been another transporter accident. BRET: Rabbit? As in... STEVE & BRET: PIPPKIN? NOOOOOOO! >came out of the market and walked towards the >middle sidewalk. The grimy sidewalk was covered in oil and slime from >decrepit air. She looked up at the red and black sky, BRET: OH MY GOD!!! Kane's out! MARK: He will be when I'M done. > hover crafts flew >above with a loud humming. she shivered an d continued south to her part >of town, the bad side. MARK: Wuss. Try walkin' on the Dark Side in Death Valley. SAMANTHA: When a city is called *The Black City*, you kinda figure that there is no bad side to it. >How she hated to enter here, were your life could >end in a few seconds. SAMANTHA: And your spelling quickly followed. >A pack of four wolfs gazed at her and grinned, NASH: Hey, it's Konnan! And Luger! And Savage! And Henning! My *boys*! They be bowdy-bowdy and rowdy rowdy! MARK: Of *course* they are. >she >half wondered if they would rape her or eat her . . . . NASH: Okay, maybe that's not my boys. 'Cept Konnan. That little tortilla has a record! >she came to the >conclu sion they would most likely do both. STEVE: Didn't anyone ever tell them not to play with their food? >She walked faster, not >knowing this only flared the excitement for wolfs who now were following >her. BRET: Oh no no NO... SAMANTHA: I do not like where this is going... >She turned back slightly and saw them advancing on her, she let out >a scream and began to run. MARK: Because that *always* works so well. >They gave chase wit h much glee in their eyes, >the rabbits SAMANTHA: After all, she did go through that freak transporter accident... >already dropped her packages and ran into an alley, she gasped >to see walls blocking her escape. She started to double back but the >wolfs had already cornered her. "Please. . .don't do this." > "But you see...." spoke one of the wolfs "We're a might hungry. NASH: Well pass da crupmets ol' boy, what, what? >Were also a few other things. STEVE: Like plungers and bedpans and ball peen hammers and spackle. >Don't worry we'll be 'gentle'" the four >wolfs cackled. One grabbed the rabbit and threw her to the floor,he >started forcing her legs apart STEVE: AIIIIIIIGGH! SAMANTHA: STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!!! MARK: Good God. This is EVIL! NASH: Kefka, man, this is just plain wrong! BRET: And we thought *Oscar* was bad... MARK [glowering darkly]: Paul Bearer must be a part of this! Well, if he WANTS TO STEP INTO THE MOUTH OF THE DRAGON [stands up in his chair. Lightning bolts, creepy music and druids appear.] BRET: MARK! Quit that! MARK: Oh, you're no fun. [The druids blow out their torches and dejectedly walk out of the theatre.] SAMANTHA: I miss Marta right now. I actually *miss* Marta... >when there came a loud howl, but not from >one of their kind. STEVE: It was the *real* Wolfpac, coming to kick their asses! >From atop a building dropped a tall mid-build two >tailed fox, he wore dark gray and black armor. GUYS : Gee, we wonder who it is. SAMANTHA: Oh great, Kintobor just went Gotham on us. > "Leave the girl be. . ." he spoke. "leave her be or answer to >me." [NASH does his patented oooh-I'm-so-scared' move, putting his wrists up to his chest and twiddling his fingers at the screen] BRET: [singing] Leave her be or answer to me, then I'll drag your ass up a tree, and then when you think you will be free I'll stuff your stomach full of bees... STEVE: Uh... Bret, you alright buddy? BRET: [smacks himself] Sorry, don't know what came over me. SAMANTHA: Don't worry. Evil fics do that to a person. >he drew his gray blade and grinned. The wolfs backed away, they only >had daggers not even a reach unlike the blade this fox held. BRET: It's a linguistic model of a train wreck! > "You win for now Gray Fox, but I will be back. . ." MARK: Cause I'm evil and stuff so I'll be back ha ha I'm evil. >roared the >leader, he pointed to his friends and they left them. Gray Fox turned >back to the rabbit and helped her up. > "Are you O.K.?" he whispered. STEVE : We have to be verrry verry quiet. I'm hunting for... uh, never mind. >She nodded, holding on to him for >balance. "Uhh my name is Miles, Miles Prowers, ALL: BIG STINKING SURPRISE!! >my friends call me >'Tails'" the girl stepped back and stared at him. SAMANTHA : Oh my god! Look what the author did to you! > "So....you are the wanted one?" she nearly collapsed from >disbelief MARK : Who booked this crap? >"You are the one the leader wants to destroy? One of the >original Freedom Fighters?" Tails nodded. NASH : Granted, I was only the token hostage... >"ohmygod, why are you in the >city? you could be killed!" > "I come around her to help a few people, I stay on the roofs to >keep a low profile, SAMANTHA : Smart move, genius. >I just gotta worry about the Hover Crafts, and the Old >'Evil Eyes'" > "You mean the Spy units?" Tails nodded again. "thank you for >saving me." > "Just was near by. BRET : You know, waiting for my plot contrivance. >I recommend you get back to wherever it is you >were heading. Do you need some help getting there?" > "No. . .I'm O.K., really I am. STEVE : Nearly got raped? No big deal! I just laugh it off! Ha! >Thank you so much...." she started >to walk away when he called out, she turned around and he threw her a >pouch filled with SonCoins, she smiled at him and walked away. MARK: Leaving the coins behind. >Tails >holstered his blade again SAMANTHA: And put his gun back in its scabbard. >and looked up, he twi rled his tails and hovered >back onto the roof, thinking of what Antoine's gonna say once he tells em [The Guys moan in disgust] BRET: Sonic manages to kill everybody *except* Antoine. He must be protected by some kind of weenie field. STEVE: Sort of like Bisch, Jericho and Taka. >that he just gave all his hard earned SonCoins too some girl. SAMANTHA: Head... spinning... from... run-on... sentence.... > >* * * > > "Are your crazy?!" Screamed Antoine, NASH: Wait a minute. Where's his stupid accent? >Tails had met him in part of >the great forest just outside of the city, Antoine was shaking with anger. SAMANTHA: Careful, you're gonna fall apart. BRET: No no, that's a good thing. > "Tails of all the things to do! I mean giving her half would have been >O.K., but all of it?! what are we gonna d o without money?" SAMANTHA: Break into wherever you want and take whatever you want? STEVE: How did they *get* money, anyway? > "Ummm go hungry?" > "Some Leadership skills you have Tails," Antoine sat down and laid >back on a tree. "Oh well, fasting I'm sure will be great." > "You need it T'wan," Chuckled Tails. > "Hey, its Tony not T'wan. MARK : I'm *Italian* now. >that ended when Sonic took over. Just >like the old accent, and tupie" BRET: We're supposed to believe that Antoine talked like a moron and had that irritating accent just for the hell of it? WHAT?! SAMANTHA: You know, I would wonder about the change of characters if I knew anything about them. Plus I'm wondering what the heck is a 'tupie'. > "I wonder if we can blame the Chaos Emerald or Sonic Himself." STEVE: *Somebody's* harboring a bit of envy against a certain blue hedgehog... BRET: You forget, he's "as dark as night" now. STEVE: I didn't forget. I'm trying to put this fanfic out of mind. > "Gee that's hard. . .the emerald isn't even in control of him." > "But it planted the seed of evil in his soul" > "There you go again with that seed thing, Angela really did get to >you huh?" SAMANTHA: Especially about the *planting* part... NASH: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... > "If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to get you out of >there alive." STEVE: DAMN YOU, ANGELA! > "true, sonic did kinda lose it that day huh?" > "well killing bunny, Rotor, Snively and Dulcy. . .yeah I think >so." NASH : I mean, after all, if he had just killed Snively it would've been normal. But he actually killed our *friends*. Shame really. > "Your forgetting the Princess..." > "You know he didnt kill her," > "She's his slave, and you know what he does to her everyday. . MARK : He makes her listen to Hanson. [The others wince at the thought] >.I'd say he killed her soul, if not her body. The princess will never >live a normal life again." Antoine looked down. > "Neither will we Tony." SAMANTHA: And neither will we... >* * * > > > Later that night the two foxes returned to their hideaway, tails >called it "KnotHole 2" seeing how instead of it being an upper ground >hideaway it was below, deep enough where none of Sonic's tracers could >ever find them and the fact that it looked much like Knothole use to >before Sonic destroyed it. BRET: HOLD IT! First off, I don't see how a friggin' cavern could look like an idyllic forest village! Second off, I refuse to believe that Sonic not ONLY screwed up killing Antoine, but that it hasn't occured to him to just burn down the friggin' Great Forest -- especially since HE hid out there as a resistance fighter! STEVE: You know what Eric said about thinking about the story... SAMANTHA: It appears that Sonic has also destroyed the author's ability to stop using run-on sentences. >Tails retired to his room and quickly went to >bed, feeling a tad bit ill at the fumes he inhaled in Sonitroplis. NASH: He knew he should have drunk first, and then sniffed because that grants a greater buzz... > He fell into a deep sleep and a dream of the past began to form. . . SAMANTHA: Into a delightful chocolate sundae! > > > << "sonic your can be serious!" BRET : What did I tell you about staring at my can? > Tails cried out. "You killed them! >you killed all of them!" NASH: I'd say that's pretty serious. > "Indeed little brother, now its your turn" Sonic advanced, but >stopped dead cold. STEVE: Austin's making a cameo? BRET: That's *dead* cold not *stone* cold. MARK: *I'm* dead cold. > "Unless...." tails uncovered his eyes and looked at >him. > "Unless?" > "Unless you join me, SAMANTHA : Join me, Luke. >you are one of the greatest magician that has >ever walked upon Mobius, MARK: So Tails is a Tim Hunter rip-off. >with the new found power of mine and your we can >crush the foolish Guardians and take what should be the most powerful >beings rights to own! The Chaos Emeralds Ta ils! think of the power ! we >can rule this world with fear to all!" NASH: Fear to all, and a plague in every garage! >Sonic cackled again, he stared at tails. SAMANTHA: Okay, I was suspicious at first, but now I'm positive. This is a *direct* rip off of the whole Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader storyline. > "Sonic, why? why have you killed them all? why are you doing these >insane acts?" Sonic's eyes darkened. BRET : I'm evil, kid! Get used to it! >"Please don't do this Anymore >sonic." > "Your a fool like the rest of them Fox, prepare to die like the >rest then." Sonic threw a bolt of lightning at him, but a strange force >blocked it, SAMANTHA: My god! It's a plot device! >from a white portal appeared Angela, Tails guardian. STEVE: Oh, look, it's the *Antoine-saver*. [The guys boo loudly at the screen] > "Go Tails! I shall take care of this hedgehog" > "But Angela! please !!" > "Go!! and take the only survivers!" She pointed to Antoine, Tails >nodded and picked him up. he remembered dragging Antoine out of the room STEVE: Maybe Kefka isn't all bad: He's showing Antoine as a lazy bum who can't run for himself... oh who am I kidding, this is terrible! >and down to the hangar where their means of escape lied ready for take >off, when he heard a scream of pain, a fema les scream and the laughter of >Sonic. He and Antoine escaped barley, NASH: Thank God! Those grains can be a real bitch. >tears gushing from Tails eyes, he >knew she was dead. SAMANTHA: After all, he did have that Ph.D. from medical school. >They landed in the great forest, he dragged Antoine >back to Knothole and had the others look at him, but there wasn't much >time fo r anything another light blasted from Robotropis and headed >towards~~>> MARK: -- A gaping hole in the plot. > > > "Tails wake up! I have some interesting news to tell you! >something that might help us!" Antoine banged on his door, Tails woke up >and sighed, glad he didnt have to relive it again. SAMANTHA: But we certainly did! >* * * > > "So where did this information come from?" Tails ask Antoine. > "Our spies. Knuckles, he found out and decided that he should go >after it, that perhaps he could cause this horror to end." > "How? by taking the Stones?" > "No, by killing Sonic." Tails mouth dropped open. [ALL Push Tail's jaw back in] > "No! he cant! Sonic played a part in this timeline! if he kills >him the Sinvely might go on ruling and we might die!" BRET: Ummm... sure. Did that make sense to anyone? > "Zut Alor! You are right! Damnation, how are we gonna get Knuckles >to stop?" SAMANTHA: You could hit the pause button. > "We are gonna have to go after him." Tails thought for a moment. >"You said he's going to the Little Planet?" > "Yes, the Time Stones are kept under heavy guard by Sonic's >SWATbots. Leave it to Sonic to have destroyed this wonderful planet and >chain another to it." STEVE: Sonic's got some really weird hobbies. BRET: How many laws of physics does doing that break? > "He's like Robotnik incarnate eh?" > "Worst, in my opinion I would rather have Robotnik there then >Sonic, at least Robotnik took killing as a last resort." Ant smile BRET: Yeah, all Robotnik did was turn your friends into robotic zombies, forced to walk forever and ever... that's MUCH better than death! >slightly "sides at least we can take Robotnik out if we ever got to him >alone, Sonic is a different matter entirely." > "Whyyyy Antoine. . .are you developing a grudging respect for >Sonic?" SAMANTHA : No! That's just the way I'm being written by the damn author! > "me!? Yeah right. . . .uhhh do you think we should get ready for >tomorrow trip to the Little Planet?" NASH : Nah. > "Yeah, its best." > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Chapter 2: Steel and Snare >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAMANTHA [standing up and taking out sword]: Snare the author with steel? Why, certainly... MARK [gently sets Samantha back down]: Uh... no. > Sonic sat upon his dark colored throne and thought for a moment. SAMANTHA: Yeah, we could see the smoke pouring out of your ears. >The room was black and very musty, somewhat seems like a fires had died >out. He looked up at his hired help and smiled peering at certain part of >her. STEVE: Her elbow! >"So then," he got up and dusted off his purple and black cape. SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, all evil villains *have* to have a cape. It's so tres chique. > "Will you take this simple job? after all its good pay." he smiled darkly at >her. The girl started to come into the dim light, BRET: Jeez, you think the ruler of all Mobius could afford some light bulbs! >her pink quills drooped >down over her red cape, she wore a purple shirt and light gray pants, her >bo ots were black and green-blue socks. SAMANTHA: Yuck! Talk about ugly color cooridination. >She nodded, "Very good, now, I >know you wont do it for pennies tell me what's your price." NASH : That's fifty bucks an hour, a hundred if you want me to act enthusiastic. Oral sex and kinky stuff is extra. BRET: NASH!! > "You know what I want Sonic, you have the blade Magic of Mobius, >It's been an heir loom in my fathers family for generations, I want it >back and I want it now." NASH : I want it now! Now! I'm gonna hold my breath if you don't! > "Perhaps I shall give it to you, but I want the heads of Tails and >Antoine first, on a bloody pike." GUYS: KILL ANTOINE! KILL ANTOINE! >She glared at him. "That's right, kill >them and bring them here, I trust that isn't a difficult job for the >Huntress Sonya." SAMANTHA: That had better not be *Red* Sonja!!! > "I'm a Treasure Hunter Sonic, I don't kill unless I have too." > "Treasure Hunter. . .ha! you sound like that foolish Human of >Legends Locke Cole." SAMANTHA: Cue the shameless FF3 reference! MARK: Not to mention *pointless*... > "I modeled part of myself after him." she grinned. STEVE : Just try and guess *which* part! >"He kicked the >butt of the tyrant of yore Kefka, So I guess I'm the Locke and your The >Kefka." Sonic sneered at her. SAMANTHA : Uh... Sonic? Are you going to start brushing? Your teeth are getting a tad yellow. > "Get Going Treasure Hunter, Red Claw that pesky echidna was >heading North East towards the Great lake, most likely he is heading for >the Little Planet." > "Anything special there that he wants?" > "Yes but its well guarded under my mirror images Self." > "Mecha-Sonic?" NASH : No, Mecha-Godzilla. > "Correct, Best beware not to cross him. I'll send a message to >him so he will not attack you, to a point that is. Try anything funny >like getting those Stones and you will pay." SAMANTHA : And it'll take more then your Visa card can handle. > "Ohhh I wouldn't think of it Sire." She bowed and headed for the >door. Sonic's eyes flashed red. BRET: Visine will clear that right up. STEVE: [turns to Samantha] Hey, he can do the same trick you can! SAMANTHA: Yeah, whatever. > "Wench, Sally where are you!" He screamed. NASH: So he has a wench *AND* Sally to service him. Kinky. BRET: NASH! > Sally Entered in her tattered clothing. BRET: Can't the ruler of all Mobius even afford to buy his consort some decent clothes?! >She gazed at him and bowed. > "Yes sire?" > "Bring yourself to me." MARK : Get your ass over here! >Sonic went back to his throne, she stood >near him and looked deep into his eyes. The pupiless gaze brought chills >to her body. "Tails has eluted me often hasn't he?" SAMANTHA: Oh please... Don't let this scene go there. > ". . .Y...Yes Sire." she whispered, expecting a blow, but it never >came. > "Not this time, the plan is in motion, and there's no stopping it >now...." Sonic looked between her legs. STEVE: He didn't see anything there, because she's anatomically incorrect. >"Soon I'll even have an heir to >my throne" He patted her stomach, again Sally shivered. "After our little >'Celebrations' your most likely pregnant." NASH : Ce-le-brate good times! Come on! >Sally turned away from him >her own eyes filled with a hateful look. he called it a celebration, she >called it rape. SAMANTHA: And we call this fanfic torture. > "Might I acquire how M'lord will kill the Gray Fox?" > "A Bounty Hunter of unnatural powers is after him, Sonya Sho, I >belive her name is, daughter of Robotnik." > "Your sister?" BRET: WHAT?! Sonic the *Hedgehog* is Robotnik the *human's* SON? How the hell did that happen? Has this author ever even *seen* the cartoon? > "Yes. She will do her job well, if she ever wants her Blade of >Mobius magic back." SAMANTHA: Just type in some game genie codes and you won't have to worry about a thing. BRET: Get with the times, a game shark is the way to go. SAMANTHA: They never made a game shark for the genesis. BRET: Oh... yeah. > "Your horrible....sending Sonya, one of Tails old childhood >friends to destroy him." She whispered out. He grinned an evil lewd >smile. MARK: Hiring bounty hunters is *so* erotic... BRET: Not *you* too! MARK: Note that I'm being tasteful. NASH: Well, that's no fun. > "Aren't I. . . perhaps this will prove to be his Ultimate >Undoing!" He cackled twistedly. ALL : Ha, ha, ha, ha... >* * * > > > "Err To quote my old self Tails, 'I am to be thinking that perhaps >we not should be doing this.'" SAMANTHA: Is that the author speaking? STEVE: Probably not. SAMANTHA: Damn. > "For once your quote is correct bud, but we have to do this or >die, BRET: Could you just die? It would make the story a lot shorter. >sides this might actually help us if we can find the time Stones." >Tails has equipped his armor again and waited for Antoine to finish >putting on his. SAMANTHA: You had better have those back by four. The Knight Sabers will want them. >Ant placed his white leather shir t on, his brown leather >pants, MARK: Antoine doesn't *wear* pants. STEVE: Shhh... pants are better than nothing. >his black shoulder pads, and picked up his cutlass blade. The >yellow handle shinned brightly, as the day it was forged. he put it in >the brown hoisted and stepped out. BRET: Yeah, I'd expect Antoine to love earth tones. > "Well, I'm ready you have the meal rations? just in case we don't >find the typical Chile dog stand in the forbidden planet?" NASH: Chile dogs, the South American taste sensation! > "Yup I got 'em" now shall we be off? SAMANTHA: Okay! [gets up to leave] MARK: Not us. SAMANTHA [sits back down]: Damn. > "but of course, Sides who knows where Knuckles is now...wonder if >he knows that island is forbidden?" STEVE: Wasn't it a planet a few lines ago? BRET: This is a story that you *really* shouldn't think about. > > >* * * > > > Indeed did Knuckle know that this island was forbidden he took >care not to be seen by the SWATbots, his black ninja like jump suit >pressed tightly against his muscles. SAMANTHA: If another FF3 reference is made, then it'll probably be about Knuckles playing Shadow. >The black mask shifted slightly as >he grinned, SWATbots were everywhere, but most f acing away from him. NASH: Great. Those SWATbots will probably be about as effective as Stormtroopers. >Palm Tree Panic was the first zone he had to cross to get even remotely >inside the planet. <beat the great Red Claw eh? they couldn't beat me when I was Knuckles.>> >he thought SAMANTHA: Which was a first for him. BRET: Ouch. SAMANTHA: I'm very bitter. ><think. . .heh...well I better go beat some sense into them!>> Knuckles >laughed and leaped from the tree he was in to the closes SWATbots head, >smashing it to a pulp. MARK: *Metal* pulp. >He turned to the rest and showed hi s shinny red >metal claws. They started to to fire at him but Red Claw was to fast, he >dodged to the side and took refuge behind a tree, the lasers ripped part >of the trunk, SAMANTHA: And then through it and through Knuckles, killing him dead. STEVE: So what's on RAW? >Knuckles slammed his claws into it and push against it, it >started to collapses a nd right atop of the bots. Knuckles dusted himself >off and laughed. "Well onto the next section, I'm surrrrrrre I'll have >company there." ALL: [singing] And three's company too... > > >* * * > > > Antoine and Tails had reached Palm Tree panic only hours after >Knuckles had left it. the wreckage was quite noticeable. NASH: Hey, look! Wreckage! >They smiled >slightly happy that at least nothing living was killed. STEVE: Not noticing all the flora that was destroyed in the battle... > They crossed the >terrain with ease and entered the portal to th e well known Collision >Chaos Zone, BRET: So well known that none of us have ever heard of it before! >the place glew brightly with neon lights, Tails saw bots at >the distance fighting something, but he couldn't tell what. "do you think >that's Knuckles?" SAMANTHA: Not Knuckles, but an incredible simulation. > "Perhaps, but there's no real way of telling unless we haul tail." > "Might be too late, maybe I should go ahead." > "Go then hurry to see if it is Knuckles." Tails nodded and flew >up, he quickly headed toward the place to see, only to discover it was a >young strange looking mammal, she was a light peach colored fur, her hair >was light sky blue, and she wore a pink out fit, she screamed and kicked >as the SWATbots started to drag her away. MARK: The mother of all run-on sentences! >Tails stopped in mid-flight and >started to chant, GUYS: ROCKY SUCKS!! ROCKY SUCKS!! >he uttered some sort of phrase and screamed out. > "Mertron!!" a wave of magical fire burn and scorched the bots to >sunder. The girl looked up at him and smiled slightly.. "Are you O.K.?" SAMANTHA: Oh god! The author *is* ripping off FF3! > "Yes I am, thank you uhh...." > "My names Miles, but people call me Tails for obvious reasons." STEVE : I've got the hottest ass on all Mobius! NASH: Good one! >The girl looked behind him and grinned. > "Gee wonder why....well my name is Locy Hottovy." Tails looked at >her closely, she wore a tightly outfit and looked something like a koala. SAMANTHA: I know that Gonterman is lurking in the background somewhere, giving sexy creature advice. > "Uhh excuse me for asking but....what are you?" > "oh, I'm half koala, half wolf, and half Echidna. I'm what Sonic >creates in his spare time. I'm a tubie." BRET: Sonic *does* have some weird hobbies. >Tails backed away. > "So your working for him eh?" > "Well I have to, in fact my mission is to find a Echidna name >Knuckles. My prime programming is search and kill." SAMANTHA : But we can still be friends, right? > "Do you honestly think you can kill Knuckles the well known >assassin named Red Claw?" > "I must try, or Sonic will kill me, I don't really want to kill >him, he has done nothing to me." > "then forget it," > "there will be no place I can hide against Sonic's wrath." BRET: Not to be mistaken for the wrath of Kahn. ALL: KAAAAHHHNNN!!! STEVE: Had to do that at least once. > "I'll protect you!" > "Who do you think you are to try and overrule the order of the >Dark one Sonic?" > "I'm not a Light one but I'm not a Dark One, MARK : I'm sort of a Biege One. STEVE: It's pretty obvious he's not Greg Williams. >I am the Gray one. >actually the name is Gray fox, cause of the armor and all." SAMANTHA : Stupid idiots at the armor shop didn't have the coat of paint I wanted. > "Ahhh so you are Great fox, you were once comrade with Lord >Sonic." > "I was extremely close to his highness. STEVE : I kinda got glued to his back. >I'm now his worst enemy >for 9 years." Locy remained quiet for sometime, until she looked at Tails >again. SAMANTHA: So it took him a year to figure out if Sonic was an enemy or not. > "I shall join, might I ask where are you heading?" > "We also are trying to find Knuckles to stop him from using the >Time Stone to kill Sonic." > "Wont that change the time line of our planet?" > "Yup that's why we gotta stop him." NASH: Exactly how would changing the timeline be a *bad* thing? BRET: Because doing so could disrupt the space/time continuum, sending all of reality spinning into oblivion. Or it could just split everything into alternate realities. STEVE: How many times have I told you to stay away from Back to the Future and Star Trek? BRET: Not enough. >He held out his hands to the >girl, Locy took them and was lifted up. "Your light as a feather aren't >you?" SAMANTHA : Ultra Slim-Fast really works! > "It comes from being a tubie, you don't eat to much." BRET : In fact, we're all anorexic! >Tails flew >Locy back to Antoine where he introduced her and chatted a little more on >the whereabouts of Knuckles. They decided to go west past Tidal Tempest >and into Quartz Quadrant. SAMANTHA: What quaint, cute, little names... UV: Sad thing is these are level names in actual sonic games. BRET: Look, you stick to writing and we'll stick to riffing, alright? UV: Alright, fine. [grumbles] Ingrates... >* * * > > > Sonya hoofed it over to Palm Tree panic and noticed the >destruction and wondered who had done it. She inspected a fallen tree and >saw sharp looking knuckle like prints. She smiled slightly and followed >the direction of chaos. MARK: ... heading towards the eventual heat death of the universe. >As she did so she started > to fall into the old memory lane. . . STEVE: As opposed to the *new* memory lane? SAMANTHA: [singing] Memories, at the corner of my mind... > > << "Knuckles you know how much I love you, its not my fault that I >care for Tails as much as I do you." NASH : Torn between two lovers... >Sonya looked at the lord of the >floating island and slowly silently started to cry. > "Sonya I cannot stay, the island needs protection, and I must be >there for it." Knuckles looked at his island. "Please come with me. Bring >Tails if you need to." SAMANTHA: Oh, a threesome. Kinky. NASH: A girl after my own heart! EVERYONE ELSE: AHH!!! BRET: Don't *do* that! SAMANTHA: Sorry. It slipped out. > "I cant ask him to leave all his friends. I know he wont, oh >please knuckles. . ." Knuckles shook his head, his eyes showing his >yearning to be with her. "I'm so sorry Sonya," MARK: I'd just like to take the opportunity to point out that there's no real reason why Sonya couldn't just live on the Floatng Island and visit her friends whenever she wanted to. Thank you. > "Ohh Knuckles, why must I be cursed with you, my father had to >torture me with the gift of life." STEVE: Bitch, bitch, bitch! Nothing's good enough for you, is it? BRET: So, her father tortured her with water. STEVE: Gift of life, not the gift that *brings* life. >she lost all her dignity at that point >and broke down. "damn him, damn you knuckles....damn myself for loving >you and Tails so much." SAMANTHA : Stupid emotions. God, I hate them! > "This island is a home for hundreds of animals Sonya, my duty >calls me, as much as I wish I can forget it, I cannot....my fathers wish >must be honored." > "My father, Robotnik wished me to help him destroy you and the >freedom fighters, instead I didnt and became your friend, and what I >thought was more then friendship." she croaked out. NASH : No, that was just cheap sex. >Knuckles turned away, >feeling a tear in his eye. "I broke it cause I loved you to much to ever >harm you again, yet it seems you cannot give up your duty for me. I gave >up my father, my so called family in Robotroplis for you, yet you cannot >give up your damn island for me!" SAMANTHA: Look, no one's life turns out the way they thought it would! Join the f***ing club! BRET : Screw the Chaos Emeralds! Let's live in sin! >she got up, her eyes now like fire. >"Fine Knu ckles, Then its over this love can never be. not when I cannot >be with you all the time. MARK : If I can't suffocate you with my presence, then it's over! >Tails is much like a brother or or a son to me! SAMANTHA: Which is a disgusting image to stick us with. >and I will not give him up like I did my father for you." She walked >away, turning back only to spit on the ground he protected, STEVE: Oh, *that's* mature. >then walked >out of his life for quite some time.>> > > Sonya felt like crying at the memory, how much she missed him now. >How dispite all her problems, dispite all of his they managed to get >together again and rekindle their love's fire. SAMANTHA: And how Tails had gotten out the Fire Extinguisher. >Until that horrible day >Sonic took over, she was so sure Knuckles had died when her brother Sonic >Shinned NASH : Ye've got a shinnin', boy! >his Atomic black matter ray MARK: I know I've heard that term before... BRET: Cheesy anime attack phrases? MARK: That's it! > at the Floating island destroying most >of it, causing it to sink into the sea. SAMANTHA: That's *fall* into the sea. It was a floating island, remember? >She remembered finding herself on >the shore, drenched and almost dead. BRET: In a complete rip-off of Celes. >She was luckily the Western Coast >fre edom fighters saved her tail, she lost her morpher SAMANTHA: So she was a Power Ranger before, right? STEVE: Ick, that's a bad thought in and of itself. >and now had to >begin anew, with news of the main Freedom Fighters destroyed and sonic >taking control her heart sank lower and lower, she had lost all hope until >there was word of a two Tailed fox, and a r ed echidna still alive and >causing her brother grief, with that she knew she must find them, for nine >years she searched, becoming trained with blades and watching the world >change into that of something out of a game she played in her past years >as a human. BRET: Who the hell let Boomhauer write that last part? MARK : Kefka is truly the master of the run-on sentence. SAMANTHA: I'm not even going to bother with that one. I'm tired enough as it is. >She befriended a dying Guardian and optioned the power of a >Chaos Emerald. STEVE: She had it on an eighteen-month lease. >She started to learn the gift of magic and always followed >her heart to find them both. She realized that the only way to get >information on them was to help her brother, he made her do many an evil >thing, NASH: Many evil, *naughty* things... BRET: GAH! Funny-animal incest! >but she did it to find Knuckles after two years of true horror with >Sonic she must now face Tails. Finding these Knuckle marks are the best >thing to happen to her In a long time. . . . . . . SAMANTHA: Blah, blah, blah. ><> ~~Coming Soon~~~~ PART 2: ". . . .JUST A >MATTER OF TIME. . . . ." Written by: Kefka The Dark One Mecha-Sonic SAMANTHA: Who will forever be remembered as a notorius author on the SVAM's most wanted list. MARK: I think 'The Pit of Kefka' has a nice ring to it, don't you? >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >CAST OF CHARACTERS. . . . SAMANTHA: We already know. We're not stupid!!! STEVE: Wouldn't it have been better to tell us this *before* the story? >Sonic The Hedgehog / The Dark Lord : Now the Dark Ruler of the new world. > >Miles "Tails" Prowers / The Gray Fox : He's the main hero. NASH: Mobius, I weep for you. STEVE: Hey! Tails is the only tolerable character in this story! > >Antoine / Tony / T'wan : He's now the cool quick wit blade master GUYS: WRONG!! BRET: I'd say he's still the irritating and completely useless sidekick! > >Knuckles / Red Claw : A lone hunter who search for revenge against Sonic NASH : He shaved off my dreadlocks! *NOBODY* messes with the do!! > >Princess Sally : Now Sonic's Slave, she'll find some way to escape. . .we hope. MARK: -- it's before a tasteless rape scene. > >Sonya Sho Eiji / BRET: Insert blatant Mortal Kombat/Tohshinden reference here. > Sonya Sho Robotnik : Sonic's sister and Treasure Hunter >for the lost Blade of Mobius > >Locy Hottovy : A young tubie that Sonic created, she'll do just about >anything to keep her own tail safe. NASH: And *what* a tail it is! > >The Rest of the Characters play are extras at least in this Part. SAMANTHA: Is this done yet? I'm bored. NASH: I know a way to *alleviate* that boredom... SAMANTHA [brandishes sword]: Try it and die... BRET: Don't fight now, people... it's over! We're free! STEVE: Yay! [All exeunt] [1-2-3-4-5-6] Bret immediately began fiddling with the controls again after the fivesome left the theater. "It was surprisingly not that painful!" Steve marvelled. "I think you've just been up here too long," Mark replied. Nash nodded in agreement while trying to mask his staring at Samantha. She glared back at the big goofball as he was very obviously staring at her. "So what about that Sable?" Samantha suddenly asked. Mark and Steve gave her odd looks as Nash's eyes blissfully glazed over. "Do you even know who Sable is?" Steve asked. "It's a person?" "Okay... sensors back on line... internet connection back on line... DSS back on line... we're 95% operational!" Bret said with a smile. "Now, computer, give me the status of Eric Bischoff and Page Faulkenberg." There was a slight pause as the central computer executed the command. Then, it finally replied, "Stah-tus of Page Faul'kenbuhg unknown. As foah E-ric Bizzchoff..." The viewscreen suddenly cut on, showing an image of Eric lying facedown in a green, grassy field. As he began pulling himself up, he noticed someone standing over him. It was an impossibly tall and thin woman with impossibly big breasts wearing an impossibly skimpy outfit. "Are you a Nitro girl?" Eric asked dazedly. The woman arched an eyebrow at him, and a small frown troubled her icy features. "You're not from Cephiro. You must be a Magic Knight!" "What?" was Eric's dumb response. "Sayonara, fledgling Magic Knight. You will die for Master Zagato!" She brandished the wand she was carrying at him. Eric stood up, trying to make use of the international 'hey-don't-kill-me' gesture. "Listen, I don't know anything about..." "Arile -- ICE SPEAR!!" she shouted, firing a wave huge, pointed icicles at him. Eric barely managed to leap away. Then, without a second look, he took off running into the deep forest nearby. "You can't escape me, Magic Knight! Cleft -- SUMMON PET!!" A unicorn with a mane that burned with a blue flame came into being. The woman hopped on, and the unicorn darted off into the forest after him. The inhabitants of the SoN stared at the images as they played out on the Viewscreen. Bret, utterly dumfounded, was the first to attempt to speak. "That's... that's..." "Alcione, from Magic Knight Rayearth. I met her at Club Anipike. She's a lot nicer in person," Samantha said. The others turned to stare at her. "I have some interesting friends," she replied with a smile. The transmission from Cefiro was then interrupted by the grinning face of Rocky Maivia. "Hello! This is *your* champion here to tell you somethin' I forgot about before. A sorceror, A demon, and Emeralds' is a six-part series." At this, a massive communal scream was heard from the SON. The Rock continued. "And it gets a lot worse as it goes along. So here's chapter two!" With that, Rocky pressed the button again. Chaos reigned on the Satellite as everyone dashed into the theater. "OH NO," Bret screamed. "WE'VE GOT KEFKA SIIIIIIIGN!" TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO! BORING STUFF: Pretty much nothing that appeared in this story was mine. My new characters, Kevin Nash and Mark Calloway, are TM & C themselves. The Undertaker is TM & C the World Wrestling Federation. Samantha Jones is the property of Jamie Jeans. Magic Knight Rayearth is property of CLAMP. I did create the Doomsday Machine, but it's intentionally lame. Anyone who wants to can use it. ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT is intended towards Kafka/Mecha-Sonic. You have to admit, he/she has to have a great imagination to merge three story concepts so wildly different. I wish him/her luck in his/her future fanfic endeavors (hopefully, not lemons!). LYNX'S NOTES: Well, it's not project Hogan, but I hope ASADAE is a good substitute. Thanks go out to my co-authors, the Jamie Jeans and J-Boogie. I'm literally honored to be working with two such distinguished MiSTers. I also want to thank the Shadowman for overcoming his moral scruples to edit this chapter of the story with me and contributing a few jokes. Anyhow, look for part two soon! And despite what J-Boogie says, I'm pretty sure that he has more Insane Fanfiction 3000' episodes than I have Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000' episodes. Heck, this is only my fourth MiSTing... EVER!! JAMIE'S NOTES: I really liked working with Alicia and J-Boogie on this. It gives me a chance to just riff fanfics, something which I have not been able to do for awhile now. I also like the interaction between Samantha and the wrestlers. J-BOOGIE'S NOTES: Hey! I'm a distinguished MiSTer! Now isn't that cool! *I* should be the one kissing *their* butts because they've been in the MSTing game a lot longer than I have. Jolt's right. Just going for the riffs is kind of fun, but I've gotta get back to my own stories as well. Catch ya'll in the next part!! E-mail Lynxara at: lynxara@hotmail.com. E-mail JOLT!!! at: xwing@uniserve.com E-mail J-Boogie at: wholden535@aol.com _________________________________ >"He kicked the butt of the tyrant of yore Kefka, So I guess I'm the Locke and your The Kefka"