Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000 post 103: The IRWF!! Trios tag-team MiSTing by Lynxara, Karmacide, and Shadowman [Roll MWT3K theme] Guitar twang, and... [Open on the SoN. A large TV, a VCR, and a couch have been set up just to the right of the usual bridge. BISCH, PAGE, BRET, and STEVE are sitting on said couch. A big cardboard box of videos is beside it.] PAGE: HOT DAMN!! Nudity AND violence! BISCH: What the hell is Iczel's problem? The monster's head exploded! Nagisa won! BRET: I've seen this thing a million times, AND I just so happen to be the world's greatest technical wrestler. She did a *German Suplex*, Steve. STEVE: That was a Perfect Plex, pink-boy! German Suplexes don't drop you on your head like that! BRET: Even YOU should know enough about wrestling to tell the difference between a German Suplex and a Perfect Plex! STEVE: Do you want me to shove 'knowledge' right up your ass, Fighting Canadian? BRET: Oh, I'd like to see you try! You can't even take Konnan by yourself now! PAGE: SHUT UP! Anime breasts bounce like no other! YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME YOU GET BANGED!! BISCH [just noticing the camera]: Oh, hi, everybody! I'm Eric Bischoff and these are my friends. You know em. Anyhow, we get bored really easily up here on the Satellite, so we decided to watch some of Bret's Japanese hyper-violent sex cartoons. BRET [briefly breaking off from his argument with Steve]: That's *anime*! BISCH: Whatever. Anyhow, we're watching a really neat one right now called Iczelion. It's all about this girl who wants to be a pro-wrestler. Yeah, right! Like attractive women with big breasts can wrestle! Sounds like something Vinnie-mac would do. PAGE: Actually, the beauty of anime breasts are not their size but their amazing firmness and elasticity. In real life, these chicks would all be B-cups. STEVE: Except for Go Nagai characters. PAGE: Right. BISCH: We've been up here too long. [Commercial Sign (located on top of the TV) flashes. BISCH gets up and hits it.] [A certain fast-food chain tries to make us want hamburgers by playing bad 80's songs while showing them to us. Bamboleo!] [Back on the SoN. ] PAGE: Y'know, we could have a wrestler with an anime-inspired gimmick! BISCH: Uh-huh. I've found that the key to having gimmicks inspired by other media is to have the wrestlers playing them be so ill-suited and uninteresting that eventually we make them give up their gimmicks so we can save money on light shows. PAGE: Forget it. Now the whole idea makes my blood run cold. BRET [still absorbed in his argument with Steve]: Listen, go back and look at the scene. For a Perfect Plex, you hook the leg. She didn't hook the monster's leg, so it couldn't have been a Perfect Plex! STEVE: Of COURSE she didn't, Gretsky! She was trying to kill it, not pin it! BRET: Philistine. Look, High Voltage is calling. [Titan 13. There appears to be no one home .] [SoN.] BISCH: Hey, Brisco Brothers? Are you there? [Titan 13] DISEMBODIED VOICE: Down here, JACKASS! [The camera pans down to reveal the Claymation Stone Cold Steve Austin from 'MTV's Celebrity Death Match' standing on the counter at the controls. He's about four inches tall.] CLAY AUSTIN: Hello up there, Dude Loves! This is yer pal Stone Cold here to run this damn show! [SoN. The guys have expressions that look surprised at first, and then...] STEVE [suddenly smiling]: Vince McMahon's Stone Cold Babies! ALL: Awwwwww! [Titan 13] CLAY AUSTIN: That 'awww' bullshit better be followed by a 'Hell Yeah', or I'm gonna ram Lawler's crown straight up your first-hour-jobber- runnin' ass! [SoN. The guys are desperately trying to keep straight faces, and eventually just give up and collectively break down laughing] [Titan 13] CLAY AUSTIN: Laugh it up, New Age Outlaws! I got somethin' here that's more funny than Paul Bearer on a jog! [CLAY AUSTIN pushes a button on the controls with his foot. Back on the Satellite, the guys screaming in pain.] CLAY AUSTIN: That's every Goldust spot from '96 and up being zapped into your damn craniums. Survive that and then ya done somethin'! [SoN. BRET's recovering, but the others are still pretty messed up] BISCH: DUSTIN, NOOOO!! PAGE: Pasty fat transvestite!! STEVE: Luna Vachon! TOGETHER: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! BRET: C'mon, guys! It's not that bad! Just think pure thoughts! Like Cruiser weight matches and Rey Mysterio Jr! And the nWo before they sucked! And the Horsemen when they were bad guys! STEVE: When I was in character. Yes, a happy place... [The guys begin recovering] [Titan 13. Lil' Stone Cold is smiling.] CLAY AUSTIN: You are completely pathetic. Now get to your wussy little Gimmick Exchange! [SoN. PAGE is wheeling out a dummy with a brown wig, an announcer's headset, and a shirt with the Nitro logo printed on it] BISCH: Well, our gimmick this week is something we came up with in preparation for the day our main announcer retires. It's the Tony Schiavone robot! STEVE: It does everything that the real Tony does, PLUS he comes with an off switch! BRET: Just watch! [PAGE flips the robot's on switch. Its eyes light up, and it bolts upright, saying...] SCHIAVONE ROBOT: THIS IS WCW MONDAY NITRO AND WE ARE *LIVE* FROM [insert town name here]. WE HAVE A CAPACITY CROWD ON HAND FOR WHAT IS SURE TO BE THE BIGGEST NITRO EVER! I AM HERE, AS ALWAYS, WITH MY FELLOW ANNOUNCERS IRON MIKE TENAY AND ['Living Legend' Larry Zbysco/Bobby the Brain' Heenan]. WE ARE ONLY [insert number] DAYS AWAY FROM [insert PPV name], AN EVENT WHICH WILL CHANGE THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT FOREVER! [PAGE flips the switch back off] BISCH: Well, what do you think, Claymation Sir? [Titan 13] CLAY AUSTIN: The only thing that would change history on that show is for him to SHUT THE HELL UP! Well, X-Lax and MacDonalds left this here. It's the Val Venis action figure. [Camera pans over to what looks like a repainted Chris Benoit action figure form the last WCW assortment] CLAY AUSTIN: When you press the button, you're supposed to get 'real wrestling action.' [Lil' Stone Cold hits a button on the action figure's side. It begins vibrating.] CLAY AUSTIN: I don't get it. [SoN. The group just stands in opened-mouth horror. ] STEVE [head cocked to one side, desperately trying to understand]: ...maybe... no.... BRET: I feel really good knowing that Vince is spending my salary on *this*. PAGE: I wonder if there's a Jenna Jameson action figure to go with it? BISCH [turning an interesting shade of green]: I hope not. PAGE: Say, um... 'Stone Cold'... exactly where did Syxx and Vinnie Mac get off to? And where did you come from? Cause I've worked with Steve Austin, I'm a friend of Steve Austin's, and... well, you're not Steve Austin. [Titan 13] CLAY AUSTIN: Just for that, son, I'm givin' you the Chyna nude collection! [Steps on the button!] [SoN. The guys are writhing in agony again.] BISCH: DEAR GOD, WHAT IS IT? STEVE: MAN?! BRET: WOMAN?! PAGE: BEAST?!! ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! [Titan 13] CLAY AUSTIN: His royal hine-ass is off workin' on a doomsday machine. I just hope he doesn't let the Godwins build it this time. Your asses are gonna be watchin' The Insane Roleplay Wrestling Federation. Now I'm gonna go call a match between the Olson twins and those ugly sisters from the WB... AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!!!!!!! [SoN. The usual posting sign chaos is going on.] BISCH: MY MONEY'S ON TIA AND TAMERA, AND WE'VE GOT E-FED SIIIIIGN!! [6-5-4-3-2-1] [ALL enter the theater] PAGE: I still wanna know where that little guy came from... STEVE: Don't ask, or he'll beam the creation of Kane into our heads! >Insane Roleplay Wrestling Federation > >Hey! Hey you! Are you HARDCORE? BISCH: No. BRET: No. PAGE: Kind of. STEVE: Used to be. >I doubt it. Better yet, are you INSANE? BISCH: No. STEVE: You jobbed me in my debut match, broke up the Outsiders, and made a pasty uncoordinated fat guy Glacier! PAGE: And let's not forget The Renegade, The Loch Ness Monster, the first two Uncensored PPV's, *and* the time you tried to convince everyone that The Giant died at 1995's Halloween Havok. BISCH: Yeah, well... at least I never had a wrestling clown! BRET: No, Fit Finley's still around... BISCH: SHUT UP! >Probably not. Can you handle EXTREME ROLEPLAYING? BRET: Exactly what the hell would 'extreme' roleplaying be? PAGE: I guess it's when you chuck the dice into someone's face during play. STEVE: I GOT A NATURAL TWENTY!! TEN POINTS DAMAAAAAAGE!! >I don't think so. If you think you have any of these characteristics, >then I dare you to sign up with the IRWF! BRET : Come on, join, I dare you!! PLEASE?! >This is the most fun you can have on the net PAGE: Short of going to the site that has Kimberly's nude photos. STEVE: Really?! PAGE: I'll hook you up, bro. >This is an E-mail league filled with extreme action for all ages. BISCH: Now grandma and the kids can enjoy blading, too! >At the bottom of this page is an application for joining the newest up >and coming league on the internet. Read the rules before bothering to join! BRET: Since we're not joining, does that mean we can leave? BISCH: No. BRET: Damn! > > >Rules and Regulations of IRWF > >RULES: >Hey, yeah I'm talking to you. Welcome to the IRWF. But don't think you >are bad just yet, cause if I catch you breaking a rule, your out buster. > >1. NO CUSSING- ALL: WELL, GOD DAMN! >No dirty words here, but feel free to write things like @$$ or S*ck it. PAGE: Why not just write 'ass' and Suck it'? BISCH: Ummm... beats the hell out of me. It's not like this guy has to worry about offending advertisers. >The only word that is outlawed is the F--- word. BISCH: Fungus? STEVE: Faarooq? PAGE: Flash Funk? STEVE: Flash Flanagan? BRET: Guys, he obviously means fu-- BISCH: BRET!! >You say it, you are out. P.S. If you are the kind of person that cusses >every other sentence, don't join and I'll send you a free dictionary so >you can learn some new words! STEVE: PSS: Bite me. >2. NO SEXUAL REFERENCES- S*ck it is allowed because you hear >it every week on T.V. PAGE: And if you see it on TV, then it must be okay! >There will be no lap dance crap, no hey, thank your mom for me crap, and >no man your manager was really great last night. BRET: *Especially* if you're talking to Kane or Jeff Jarrett. >This is the easiest way to get kicked out. BRET: Not as easy as being friends with Hall and Nash. BISCH: BRET!! PAGE: Hey, I'm not getting yelled at this time! Cool! >3. NO WANNABES- If you can't think of an original name or gimmick, don't >join! That means no "Hitmans", no "Stone Colds", no 3:16's, no "Ravens", >and no "Stings". [BRET and STEVE get up.] STEVE: I guess we'll just be going, then... BISCH: Get back here! [STEVE and BRET sit back down, grumbling] >If you resemble any wrestlers name or gimmick you are out! Death isn't >very original either. STEVE: Man, how desensitized to violence can you get? BRET: Hey, it works for UT! >Show me some INSANE originality. BISCH: Okay. Goldberg only fights WCW's top stars for a month straight! BRET: That's INSANE! >4. NO RACISM- It will not be tolerated. Enough said. PAGE: Unless you're in the WWF. Then it's 'realistic'. >5. NO ROLEPLAYING OTHER PEOPLE- STEVE: Isn't that the whole point of roleplaying? BISCH: No, now you play yourself. It's called 'self-insertion', and I know a guy named David who can tell you all about it. >I have seen people write talks for other people before, and it really >puts people in a spot. If we catch you doing this you are gone forever! PAGE : I AM THE GOD! I AM THE GOD! >6. NO PUTTING DOWN THE IRWF- If you lose a match and begin to whine like >a baby it shows how much of a wuss you really are. BISCH: Hey, I've made good money by having Chris Jericho do just that! >If you blame the IRWF for you losing then your a bigger loser than I >thought. If you start to trash us, it's a case of love it or leave it and >we hope the door hits you really hard on the way out. BRET: On the ass? STEVE: No, it's @$$. >7. NO ATTACKING PEOPLE DURING ROLEPLAYS- BISCH: Then what are you supposed to do? Out-talk your opponent? PAGE: Maybe they have to read poetry like The Genius did. >Do it you're fired. Read rule no. 9 for more info. Use your brains people. >8. THE CHALLENGE BOARD- The Challenge Board is where you challenge people. >Unfortunately there are stupid people out there that don't understand this concept. BRET: Even more unfortunately, they all joined this E-fed! STEVE: Ba-da-bing! >Only challenge once per card! 9. WINNING MATCHES- You challenge someone. >They accept. You go to the roleplay board and out trash talk them. You win. >It's that easy. BISCH: Order now! Operators are standing by! >You can e-mail me at haughtbomb@hotmail.com STEVE: Shouldn't that be haughtmail.com? >and attack them before a match or during a match. You get one of these >sneak attacks every two weeks. Abide by the rules of the IRWF, and have >a long prosporus career. Good luck. > > >Here are the FIRST 4 Matches in IRWF HISTORY! BISCH: And quite possibly the last, seeing as how this page hasn't been updated in months. PAGE: And how would *you* know that? BISCH: Hey, I have to scam my ideas from somewhere, and we've pretty much mined ECW out. >Hello everyone and welcome to the very first card for the IRWF. This is a >fed filled with INSANE excitement and we will see how far these men are >willing to go in the first round off the IRWF title tournament! Hello >fans I'm Matt P. and my broadcast partner, Dr. J is a little under the >whether so I'll have to go it alone! Are you ready? BISCH: Break it down! [Everyone with the notable exception of Bret starts singing/humming the D-X theme] >This is the first match of the >INSANE division. Let's get down to our ring anouncer J.R. Redd. STEVE: Jim Ross Redd? PAGE: You can get Jim Ross Dry and Jim Ross Lite now, too. BISCH: I suppose there's also Jim Ross Blue. Joey Cavalieri must be booking. > >J.R.: This match is scheduled for one fall and it is the first match in >IRWF history. ALL : Yay. >Making his way to the ring, from Wheeling, WV, accompanied to the ring by >Beano Cook, Sagraves the Savage. BRET: His real name is Sagraves Poffo. >And his opponent, from Tampa Bay, Florida, accompanied to the ring by >Blonde Bombshell, the Claw. PAGE : 'He's in this fed to take out Inspector Gadget once and for all! >Matt P.: This will be a great match. It's the Death Stunner vs. the >Sagraves Stunner. STEVE: Oh, thank you, Captain Originality. >Sagraves attacks off the bat. He is beating the Claw in the corner. What >a contest! He sends Claw off the ropes: Big clothesline. The Savage is >mauling the Claw. Suplex by the Savage. Sagraves is now taunting the >Bombshell. Wait, she just threw powder in his eyes. Here comes >Beano Cook. Oh My God, That was INSANE! The Bombshell just hit Beano >with a brick. Beano is out. BISCH: Beano is dead! >What's that smell? STEVE: I think it's the post. BRET: Maybe it's what the Rock's cookin'. PAGE: Somebody needs to tell these people that there's a fine line between INSANE and STUPID. >In the ring the Claw is taunting Sagraves. Sagraves just took out the >ref. He can't see a thing. Wait, here comes the Bombshell. She's back in >her purse. STEVE: That's a big purse! >She has a chain. The Claw raps the chain around Sagraves neck. BISCH: Gangsta Flava or Old School? PAGE : You are *so* white. >DEATH STUNNER! BRET: DEATHSHOOTER! PAGE: DEATH CUTTER! STEVE: DEATH DEATH DROP! BISCH: DEATH PRISM POWER! >The Bombshell revives the ref. 1-2-3 It's over. STEVE: What? The guy's name is The Claw, and doesn't even *use* the claw? What a rip-off! >J.R. Redd: The winner of this match.... The Claw >Matt P.: That was a cheap win. These people really will do anything for >the belt. Now let's go to The Haught as Heck division. >J.R.: This match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, >from Hell's Canyon, DMC. And his opponent, accompanied by Duke, from >Seattle, Washington, Vendetta. These two men are sizing each other up. >DMC throws his sunglasses at Duke. BISCH: Scott Hall runs in and kicks DMC's ass for stealing his shtick. >Vendetta turns his head. KICK TO THE GROIN! That's DMC's finisher. PAGE: SWEET GROIN MUSIC! >Vendetta is down. Pin...1-2-..Kickout. >He hit him hard. Now DMC hit's with a Tiger Bomb on Vendetta. DDT by DMC. >Vendetta is up. He shakes it off. DMC runs at him. Boot to the stomach by >Vendetta. POWERBOMB! Cover...1-2-.kickout. Vendetta has a table. Picks >DMC up for a chokeslam through the table. Wait, DMC just DDT'ed Vendetta >through that table. Both men are bleeding. BRET : Their skin just spontaneously ripped open! THEY'VE GOT E. COLI! RUN! >Duke just threw in some brass knucks. DMC grabs them. He swings at >Vendetta...miss! Vendetta has him up for the POWERBOMB! DMC hits with >those brass knucks. Vendetta falls backwards. DMC hits the post. STEVE: Can't say I blame him. I'd like to hit the post, too. >Both men hit the ground. Vendetta's arm is on DMC. 1-2-3. It's over. >J.R. Redd: The winner of this match.... Vendetta >Matt P. That was INSANE. What a match. Both men were completely unconsious >at the end. BISCH: You know what I think is INSANE? How badly you need a thesaurus! BRET: Maybe he could borrow one from the Warrior. >Now we are switching back to the INSANE division. PAGE: What's the difference between 'INSANE' and 'Haught as Heck', anyway? BISCH: I'm betting it's the same as the difference between 'Intercontinental' and 'European'. BRET: Maybe 'haught' is what the Rock is cookin'. >This next match looks like a good one. >J.R.: This match is scheduled for... what the hell? STEVE: That's WCW booking right there. BISCH: STEVE!! >Matt P. Eliminator Robert Parker and his manager, Monique just decesended >from the rafters. STEVE: YOU DIE!! YOU ALL DIE!! WHERE'S MY BASEBALL BAT?!! BRET: So is there any particular *reason* why this guy gets to descend from the ceiling? BISCH: Isn't he Eliminator Tennessee Lee now? >They have the mic. "Hey, you fat slobbering idiots! I have come to the >IRWF to show you people the true meaning of INSANE! BRET: Insane. Adjective. 1: Word used in nauseatingly repetitive fashion to denote wild happenings. >You came to see blood an guts Hardcore Wrestling? PAGE : Man, what the *hell* were you thinking? Get offline and get your ass to Philadelphia! STEVE: That's @$$. >You got it. This is the man with the three G's. I got the girl. I got the >goods (He flexes) and I will soon have the gold. Phat Albert, F-A-T, You s*ck!" ALL : Now I'm gonna sing a song for youuuu... >Matt P.: Strong words and... Phat Albert on the attack. ALL : And Bill's gonna show you a thing or twoooo.... >He flew down here. He has two chairs and a two-by-four. He puts the >two-by-four across the chairs. STEVE: Any particular reason why? >He sets Parker on it. PHAT SPLASH THROUGH THE TWO-BY-FOUR! Parker is hurt. >Parker is pinned. 1-2-.. kickout?! How did he do that. Phat Albert jabs >pieces of the two-by for in Parker's stomach. ALL : Gonna have some fun now, with me and all the gang... >He breaks the board again, only this time over Parker's head. The ref has >stopped the match and awarded it to Phat Albert. ALL : Learnin' from each other, while we do our thang! NAH NAH NAH, gonna have a good time! PAGE: Hey, hey, hey! >From behind...The Eliminator is up...What a show of fortitude... He hits >The PHAT one with the chair. Parker is assaulting him. STEVE : But now Mushmouth is out! MAH GOD, he's destroying Parker! PAGE: Okay, I call no more Fat Albert jokes. BRET : Obee kaybee. >Piledriver on the chair by Parker. Parker has been restrained. >J.R. Redd: The winner of this match....Phat Albert >We have one more match to go in the tournament. Let's take you to the >Haught as Heck division. Derek Tuttle and Abnormal BISCH: Big Daddy Cool? BRET: What's Kevin Nash gotta do with this? BISCH: Nah, I was just making an obscure E-wrestling reference... >come out brawling. No time for an introduction. They are >in the ring. OH MY GOD! A TRUCK LOAD OF CHAIRS JUST FELL FROM THE SKY. STEVE: Awfully strange weather we're having lately. BISCH: Didn't they have a roof? BRET: How do you *GET* a truckload of chairs up to a ceiling? PAGE: *WHY* did they have a truckload of chairs up in the ceiling? >THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PART OF THE GRAND FINALE. PAGE: Oh, they were preparing for the traditional show-ending chairdrop. STEVE: Beats having a run-in. BISCH: STEEEEEVE!! PAGE : Ha-ha! >BOTH MEN ARE BURIED IN CHAIRS! We have officials there to move the chairs. BISCH: I guess they should have brought some umbrellas. >Tuttle somehow has the guts to get up. What a man. Tuttle fell through the >ropes. BRET: Tuttle is a dumbass! STEVE: That's 'dumb@$$'. >He has guts but he is too hurt to be able towalk. Wait, a count has begun... >1-2-3....Abnormal is just laying in the ring... BISCH: How... abnormal. BRET: Oooooooh. STEVE: The three-line-long match format was bound to put somebody to sleep sooner or later. >4-5-6...Both men are out....7-8...I hate to see it end this way...9-10. >The man with enough strength to get up, has just lost. What a shame. What >a sad way to be eliminated from a tournament. >J.R. Redd: The winner of this match via countout...Abnormal >Matt P.: Well the first round is over and what a round it was. Unfortunatly, >the night is over. PAGE: Yeah, that's a cryin' shame. I was hoping to see a truck load of donkeys fall from the ceiling. >The lights are about to go out on this party. Tommorow night we will have >for you: The Claw vs. Phat Albert and Abnormal vs. Vendetta >We were also just informed that fist round action of the International title >tournament will begin tommorow as: Derek Tuttle takes on Sagraves the Savage >and DMC faces "The Elminator" Robert Parker. BISCH: Oh, so it's the loser belt. >Until next time, I'm Matt P. See ya. > >If you have any questions or problems E-mail me at haughtbomb@hotmail.com! PAGE: HAUGHT DAMN!!! >This page is still under construction! >This page is in no way affiliated with the World Wrestling Federation, >World Championship Wrestling, or Extreme Championship Wrestling STEVE: -- thank God BRET: As a matter of fact, it has nothing to do with wrestling at all! > >This page hosted by GeoCities. Get your own Free Home Page. PAGE: I'll pass. I've already got one. BISCH: Well, we survived another post... [ALL exeunt] [1-2-3-4-5-6] [Back on the SoN.] STEVE: Well I think I can say, from the bottom of my heart, that SUCKED ASS. PAGE: Hey, isn't that @$$? BISCH: I don't think it was all *that* bad. I almost felt guilty riffing it. STEVE: WHAT?! But -- but the Death Stunner and the Eliminator coming from the ceiling and the *FALLING CHAIRS*... BISCH: Yeah, but there were no masturbating Senshi or bestiality references or Gonterman rants in this one. PAGE: No 'Hogan is God' or 'I hate Ric Flair' rants, either. STEVE: Okay, point taken. It still wasn't very good. BISCH: I've seen worse. Um... Bret, what are you doing? [BRET is talking on a mysteriously convenient telephone on the right of the bridge, where the sofa and TV were earler. Now a full kitchenette is there. BRET is wearing a chef's hat and an apron with a flaming pink skull on it.] BRET: Okay... some Italian seasoning and cayenne pepper and what else? ...Okay, so where's that haught come in? BISCH [Shaking his head]: *Sigh.* Well lets see what our favorite lil' S.O.B. is up to. [Titan 13. Claymation Stone Cold is apparently having a conversation with KANE] CLAY AUSTIN [laughing]: Damn, son, you are downright *hilarious*! I tell you what, nobody does a 'priest and rabbi walk into a bar' joke like you! [KANE nods a little] CLAY AUSTIN: Well, you have a point there. Hell, I think global warmin's gonna be a major problem in the latter half of the twenty- first century. [Cut back to KANE, towering over the CLAY AUSTIN and nodding some more] CLAY AUSTIN: Now hold on! Benjamin Natanyahu is the best damn Prime Minister Israel ever had, and that's the bottom line! [KANE slowly rises from his chair and does his famous gesture. Suddenly stuff in the room spontaneously bursts into flames.] CLAY AUSTIN: Oh for Christ sakes', son, calm the hell down. Here, have a cookie. [The flames shut off. KANE happily takes the cookie and sits down.] [Cut back to SoN. BISCH is staring at the screen in disbelief] BISCH: That's... that's pretty INSANE. STEVE: Well, this is usually when we ask Vince what he thinks, but he's not here, so... [Titan 13. In the back, when can hear a voice talking. The vault doors open to reveal VINCE and TV's ROCK (yes, Rocky Maivia). THE ROCK is on a cellphone.] ROCK: Yes, that's right. Bret, don't you ever think you're in control of the haught. You only need a little bit to give it the right flavor. And that's what the Rock's cookin'. VINCE: Hello, my Disciples of Apocalypse! How did things go today with mini-Austin? [SoN.] BISCH: Well, he made us suffer a lot. PAGE: Hey, where's Walt-boy? [Titan 13] ROCK: Well, X-Pac had a little accident and turned up missin'. [ROCK brandishes a milk carton with Sean Waltman's picture on it] So now I'll be Vince's second in command. VINCE: Unlike everyone else, I *am* in control of the Rock. [Suddenly, KANE storms in from stage right, enraged. There's a bite taken out of the cookie. He begins shooting lightning at stuff] VINCE: He's gone INSANE! [KANE begins advancing upon the ROCK] ROCK: D-don't hurt me. I'm YOUR champion... AAAAAGGGHH! [KANE tombstones ROCK and continues wreaking havoc in the lab.] CLAY AUSTIN: BWAHAHAHA! He always thinks it's gonna be chocolate chip when it's oatmeal raisin. Oh hell yeah, kick him again! I love it when he does this. VINCE : Young man, stop that this instant! [KANE, caught in the middle of shooting lightning bolts into a stack of unsalable Bret Hart T-shirts, freezes] VINCE : Why can't you be more like your older brother Mark? HE'S a two-time WWF champion! You're STILL just the fake Diesel! GO TO YOUR ROOM! [KANE hangs his head and shuffles off sheepishly] VINCE [yelling after KANE]: And NO, Paul Bearer CAN NOT come over! Kids these days... [VINCE pulls out the Imperium Silver Crystal (which he acquired in post 101), and deconstructs the CLAY AUSTIN, who was in the middle of tossing back a Steveweiser.] VINCE: And I should've known better than to make a simulacrum of *him*. Well, you may have lived through this E-fed post, but next week-- when the DOOMSDAY MACHINE is done-- you'll face a fate so horrible... MUAHAHAHAHAHA! [SoN] STEVE : Hey, can you smell what the Hitman's cookin'? PAGE: Yeah, it's humble pie. BISCH: Guys, are you done killing that joke yet? [Titan 13] VINCE: Oh, so you think you're too good to tremble before me? Well then BYTE THIS!! [VINCE stabs his finger down on the button] [SoN. We see BROTHER LOVE enter from stage left.] LOVE: Ah *looove* youuu... ALL PRESENT: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! PWOOSH! [Over the end credits, we can still hear the guys screaming as Brother Love does his shtick] BORING STUFF: All of my regular cast o' characters are TM & C as usual... not me. Kane is the property of the WWF (who is welcome to him). Rocky Maivia is no doubt property of himself. The miniature SCSA is property of the WWF, Steve Williams, AND MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch. No licenses are given or implied, no profits will be made, the actions of the characters in this story are in no way meant to reflect upon the real persons, blah, blah blah. Please don't sue me. ABSOLUTELY NO INSULT was intended towards the roleplayers of the IRWF or the IRWF's maintainer, Tim Haught. (See? That's where that word came from!) This is admittedly and obviously an early effort, and I wish everyone at the IRWF luck in the future. LYNX'S notes: This is MiSTing number three! Yay! Post 104 will be either 'Untitled', or the beginning in a new era of MWT3K: Project Hogan. I'd be interested in any comments you have on how I and my partners interacted; while I don't know about Karmacide (who is busy with his own stuff), I expect the Shadowman to become a regular feature here (especially if I do Project Hogan). He helped a lot with the earlier installments anyway, so I might as well give him credit (besides, he can write Steve Austin!). Anyhow, post 104 will be rife with cast shake-ups, the debut of the Doomsday Machine, and nothing less than the battle of the century: ERIC BISCHOFF VS. VINCE MCMAHON! WCW and WWF may be too chicken to do it, but I'm not. Anyhow, until then keep circulating the fics, and e-mail me at lynxara@hotmail.com. The SHADOW'S notes: Please find this funny. By the way, just what the hell IS the Rock cookin'? Why did they try to push a pasty fat guy as a cool Mortal Kombat character? Why did Sting offer to buy beer for everyone? Folks, these are the burning questions of our day. That aside, I hope you enjoyed this at least more than a Fit Finley match, and will stop by again for the next installment. Excelsior! KARMA'S notes: Well, there aren't any because he decided not to write any. But you can contact him at Karmacide@aol.com. ___________________________________ >OH MY GOD! A TRUCK LOAD OF CHAIRS JUST FELL FROM THE SKY.