Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000 Post 102: TRIPLE THREAT! "WCW vs WWF Television" and short "Chicanery Disappoints" Original articles by Jim Hellwig (aka the Ultimate Warrior) "Gonterman 3:16" by David Gonterman MiSTing by Lynxara [Roll MWT3k theme version 1.0] Guitar twang, and... [Open on SoN bridge. STEVE is on the right side of the bridge, reading a thick graphic novel(you guess which) and listening to his favortie movie soundtrack (you guess which). On the left side of the bridge, a television and video game system have been set up. PAGE and BRET are playing]. PAGE: I WANT TO DO A DIAMOND CUTTER, GOD DAMMIT!! BRET [looking intently at a strategy guide]: Are you hitting the right buttons? Because you have to hit the circle and the square AND -- PAGE: I *AM* HITTING THE RIGHT GODDAMN BUTTONS AND I STILL CAN'T DO A GODDAMN DIAMOND CUTTER!! BRET: Then how's your energy level? Your energy level has to be flashing -- PAGE: MY ENERGY LEVEL *WAS* FLASHING!! But then the DAMN GAME wouldn't let me do a goddamn Diamond Cutter, AND NOW I'M LOSING TO ALEX WRIGHT!! BRET: You got pinned! HIT THE BUTTONS!! HIT THE BUTTONS!! [PAGE begins furiously hitting the buttons] PAGE: No, damn you! NOOOOO! BRET: 3-count. My turn. [PAGE howls with frustration, throws the controller off-camera, and then barges after it. We hear things being broken. STEVE takes his headphones off and looks seriously at the camera.] STEVE: Think about this before *you* decide to purchase any video game system. This message brought to you by The People for the Ethical Treatment of Video Game Controllers. [Commercial sign flashes. BRET hits it absentmindedly] [Hellish children cavort, telling us that we want Pringles. You must resist their will! RESIST!] [SoN bridge. BRET is completely immersed in the game. STEVE has abondoned his headphones and comic in order to watch.] STEVE: Good God. What was I *thinking* when I did the sound bite for this thing? BRET: Probably the same thing you thought when you offered to buy the crowd beer. Hey, have you heard Benoit's clip yet? It's really neat! [At this point, PAGE comes running in, looking really panicked. He's dragging something along the floor] PAGE: Guys... I think I kinda accidentally killed Eric. BRET: WHAT?! [PAGE drags BISCH's limp carcass up from the floor and drapes it over the console] STEVE: What happened? PAGE: He got in the head with the controller. STEVE: I knew that thing was a bad idea! BRET: Oh, come on! Page could've hit him in the head with anything! [Mads' light flashes.] STEVE: Whatever. Look, now the Dangerous Alliance is calling. [Hits Mads' light] [Titan 13. VINCE and X-PAC are doing victory dances] [Back to SoN.] BRET: Quit that! He's not dead yet. PAGE: Look, he's getting better! STEVE: Yeah, he might be conscious in an hour or two. [Titan 13. VINCE and X-PAC aren't dancing anymore, but they look really damn happy.] VINCE: Which will be just long enough for me to break your wills while you're defenseless! X-PAC: So quit whining, Full-Blooded Italians, and get to your gimmick exchange. [SoN.] BRET: Eric was in charge of the Gimmick Exchange, wasn't he? PAGE: Yeah. BRET: So we're screwed, aren't we? PAGE: Pretty much. STEVE: Nope! I've got this covered! [STEVE dashes offscreen, and returns a few moments later. He's wearing his current 'Crow' ring gear, only it's not done in black and white. Instead, it's done in a myriad of eye-popping neon colors. PAGE and BRET are looking on in abject horror.] STEVE: Well, I've had a real problem lately trying to decide between which of my characters to do -- happy surfer Sting, or dark mysterious Sting. So my Gimmick Exchange is the *perfect* solution! I combined them! This way, I can make all my fans happy! Isn't it cool? [Titan 13. VINCE and X-PAC can only stare.] VINCE: Well... no. [SoN.] STEVE: Oh, like you have any taste in gimmicks! Guys, whaddya think? PAGE: May God have mercy on your twisted soul, Steve. BRET: Booze is not your friend. STEVE: SHUT UP! [Titan 13.] X-PAC: Wow. I can't think of anything evil enough to follow *that* up. VINCE: You just haven't been in this business long enough, Waltman. I have the perfect Gimmick prepared. [pulls out a thermometer] This is a little beauty I've been using for quite some time. I call it the career-o-meter. Just stick it under the tongue of any given wrestler -- say, X-pac here [shoves thermometer into X-PAC's mouth] -- and wait a few minutes. [A few moments pass. VINCE pulls thermometer out of X-PAC's mouth] VINCE: Then, just read to find out how much longer this given piece of flesh will be of any use. Right now, the thermometer clearly indicates that X here has about twenty years of career left. X-PAC: Well, that's a relief. [SoN. Bret looks like a profound revelation has just hit him.] BRET: So that's why you took my temperature last November... PAGE: That's almost more evil than Steve's gimmick. Almost. STEVE: Hey! My idea is brilliant! [Titan 13.] VINCE: I'm glad you approve, marks. X-PAC: Your posting this week is "WCW vs WWF television". We found it on the Ultimate Warrior's webpage. It's short compared to last week's Oscarfic -- but that just means that it's more concentrated. Prepare to die! [SoN. STEVE is finally out of his godawful outfit.] PAGE: Wait a minute! You can't send us a post! [STEVE pulls up Eric's head by the hair, and then lets it fall back down to the console] STEVE: Eric is still out cold! BRET: Guys, the Warrior wrote this. I think Vince is for ONCE being a decent human being and letting us read some astute industry observations written by a knowledgeable insider. [Titan 13] VINCE: Ah.... sure. Hit the button, Sean. [X-PAC obediently hits the button] [SoN. The usual posting sign hullaballoo is going on.] BRET: Shouldn't someone point out that it's post sign? PAGE: I think that's a bit redundant, myself. [All conscious walk leisurely into the theater] [6-5-4-3-2-1] [The guys enter, and take their seats (from left-to-right: BRET, STEVE, PAGE)] >WCW vs WWF Television > >What's the Warrior think? The way I see it today is that one innovates, BRET: That's ECW, right? >the other imitates. You figure out which is which, Einstein. What once seemed >a highway paved in gold has now become more like a side - street in a bad >part of town. And what once seemed apologetic for the dreadful and embarrassing >state it always seemed to be in STEVE: Yeah, we only invented the heel stable and did hardcore before it was hardcore. Man, WCW sucked then! >has revived itself into a barrel-chested, magnum-packing bravura >- worthy of your admiration and respect, in addition to, your pay-per-view >dollar. What was white has become black. What was black has become >black-er and white and all full of color. PAGE: That's nice of Jim to recognize the three guys left in wrestling who don't wear black. >Undoubtedly and Unequivocally. BRET: And unbrotherly and uncomely and ungentlemenly and unneighborly and unsaintly and unscholarly and unshapely and unsoldierly and unstintingly and unwifely and unwomanly. >You know what they say - STEVE: "It's fun until someone puts their eye out." BRET: "Dying is easy; comedy is hard." PAGE: "If you keep doing that, you'll go blind." >If you ain't leadin' the pack - The view always stays the same. STEVE: But you'll get to check out out everyone's butt, so it all balances out. >WWF has been sniffing crack BRET: And drug use within the industry is finally acknowledged. PAGE: Crack-smoking would explain a *lot* or Vince's ideas. STEVE: And I'd feel a lot better knowing that Doink the Clown wasn't the product of a rational mind. >and zoning in on the ass hair of WCW - nWo for quite the period of time here. BRET: Well, there's something I didn't want to think about. PAGE: Didn't we deal with enough of this stuff in the last post? >Matter-of-fact, last I remember, it was "moi" who jellied up ratings - >galvanizing what was a f-ing bore. STEVE: Hide the women and the liquor -- we have FULL BLOWN EGO ALERT!! BRET: Do not attempt to confront the ego. Just file out in a calm and orderly fashion. PAGE: I wish. > >I can feel the barrage of hatred, the first in my baby-face career, propagated >by all the hardcore WWF fans who STEVE: -- claim that they're 'above' caring about ratings, and then do little victory dances when RAW beats Nitro. >are going to argue otherwise. Then again, where would any of us be absent these fantasy >rivalries you so obsequiously live for. BRET: Oh, so you've got a *Dictionary*, Jim. Big deal. PAGE: Yes, all of you wrestling fans that I've been living off of for all these years are total losers who live vicariously through me. You suck and I hate each and every one of you. >And hey, what is pro-wrestling really all about but a good ole' rivalry >- a "good vs evil" saga. STEVE: I always thought wrestling was athletic exhibition mixed with improvisational theater and high melodrama. BRET: No, it's just a live-action comic book with endlessly repetitive plotlines that only a small child or a total moron would be entertained by. >To hear the boys talk about it Titan and Turner, Vince and Ted have >been gouging at each others eyes and trying grab an asphyxiating >chokehold on one another since the beginning of time. PAGE: Well... yeah. >I'm afraid, although I'd never apology for not making it a part of my >studies, that I wouldn't be able to elucidate much here STEVE: Now THERE'S an understatement. >- reason being, and furthermore for those who don't know - I'm not >from the old school. Never saw what went on in the backyard school >lot and don't really much care. BRET: Neither do we. So why don't we just not talk about it? >The shots being taken and landed today are the ones I'm talking of - as >are you. The nWo gimmick over at WCW gave wrestling the CPR it >needed, PAGE: And then proceeded to smother any other new idea that attempted to take its place. >while at the same time landing one of those rare, unobstructed shots - >a heads up, you had it coming to you punch - dead in the oily, greasy, >pimple-ridden T-square of the V-man himself. BRET: And there's disgusting image number two! >You gotta love it. STEVE: No, we don't. And we don't especially like being told what to do either, Jim. > >The departure of Hogan is what started the shift in the tide. PAGE: Yeah, ratings dropped like a rock in '94. >Soon after, all the little fishies started to swim up stream as well. We all know that. >But even before Hogan crossed the sea, the Turner organization had already >made a consummate, tactical move by bringing entertainment professionals >on board to re-organize the whole damn operation. It needed it. Badly. BRET: There was entirely too much wrestling going on there, and not nearly enough 45-minute interviews. >I've always said that one of the long-running advantages Titan had was that the >booking and depth of talent, i.e.,the creating of angles and such with so >many characters to build storylines around, was done by those who didn't >wear tights. STEVE: They all wore nice casual Dockers. >Whereas, over in the WCW you had the "boys" doing the booking. BRET: And the "girls" were forced to stay home and do laundry and never got to have any fun. >And when you have this type of situation, the booker, in this case booker(s) >is always going to stagnate the growth of any new ideas while he and his >clan turn potential into subservience. PAGE: That sounds really familiar, but I just can't seem to place it. STEVE: I keep getting these visions of an untalented balding blonde guy... >The booker always has to "get over" before anyone and everything, >including the sale of tickets. Like a bad movie - the wornout, nonsensical, >noncomical, nonentertaining and for certain nonprofitable angles - never >seem to end PAGE: So what the hell do you do when all that stuff's happening and your compnay STILL makes money? STEVE: If our company's to be believed, you just keep doing it. > >Even though Vince has got to have the most misplaced ego of anyone I've ever >known, BRET: He keeps it under the couch. >he kept his nose and truckload-sized fat ass PAGE: Oh, now you're just being immature. >out of the squared circle, although as of late, it looks like he's preparing >to don the tights after all. I'll talk about this a little later. Besides, rolling >on the floor and attempting to push the keys on this keyboard don't, in >function, compliment one another. Anyway, you'll want to hear it. But >for now - shut up and sit down. STEVE: I just love the profound respect that Warrior has for his audience. BRET: We seem to have the sit down thing covered, but I don't think that we'll be able to do the shutting up part. The readers wouldn't forgive us. >Another reason things went so well over at Titan was that Terry Bollea, >yes, the Hulkster himself, loves this business, and consequently, lives for >this business. PAGE: So *that* explains why Hogan'll disappear for long periods of time to flim any B-movie that will take him. STEVE: Hey, we should consider ourselves blessed to have such a *fine* actor and athlete as Hogan in our presence at all. >It was Hogan, not Vince, who had the majority of ideas. BRET: Does that mean I can blame Koko B. Ware and Akeem the Dream on Hogan? >I'm certain he probably even worked hard to curtail many of Vince's cock-a-mamie >ideas. I can guarantee you he worked even harder PAGE: ...in squashing the careers of all who opposed him. >in being circuitous about any ideas that did make it into actual storylines. >Only a driphead cannot see this. STEVE: Then I guess I'm just a driphead, because the only thing I've ever seen Hogan do is sit on the World belt for ridiculously long periods of time. >When you look at what took place over at Turners' organization, the >turn around and all, it's obvious and impossible not to see the gradation >of events. BRET: So Hogan went to Turner, Vince made fun of him and nobody really cared... and THAT'S why Nitro is scoring 5+ ratings now! It all makes sense! > >Say or feel what you like about Hogan, STEVE [standing up]: HOGAN IS A FATASS MOTHERF-- PAGE: I don't think he was being literal, Steve. >he is the business, made the business what it is today and continues to >maintain a foothold at every turn. BRET: Usually at the expense of those younger and more talented than he is. >I take my hat off to him for doing so. PAGE: Ten bucks say that it's a sombrero. STEVE: No, I think Jim is more the fedora type. BRET: This article makes him sound more like the beerholder-with- straws type. >You got to give credit where credit is due and Hogan should be credited. >It is Hogan who created the nWo concept STEVE: I call 'no way', Jim! Every mark worth his e-mail account knows that Bischoff came up with the nWo! >and turned it into not just a gimmick, but a mindset complete with it's >own etiquette, style and attitude. PAGE: Scott Hall? Kevin Nash? Who are they? >From it's creed to it's argot, it permeates of Hogan ingenuity. BRET: "Argot"? Wow, Jim really loves his dictionary. STEVE: So why doesn't he READ the damn entries before he uses the words? >Now, if the new organization, Bischoff and his guild, had not been there >to undulate Hogan's ideas, BRET: Then they wouldn't have gotten all wavy. >he may, himself, been seen as "booker" with his own selfishly stupid agenda. PAGE: Insert your own Hogan joke here. >In turn, Hogan may have had a more difficult time. But, I still believe >he would have perservered. Either way, Bischoff isn't stupid and was >all ears. BRET: Sweet Jesus! Jim took writing lessons from Ratliff! PAGE: WHAT?! BRET: Well, he said that Bischoff was all ears, and Ratliff had this guy named Liam who was covered with eyes and hair. STEVE: You want me to hit him, Page? It wouldn't be ANY trouble... >He prognosticated what his authority at the helm coupled with the mind >of Hogan would bring to fruition. And I'm not saying Hogan came into >{charitably} save the day, he didn't go over to Turner with some >benevolent idea of saving WCW's ass. PAGE: He went there to save Hogan's ass. >Hogan only went when he had his deal in place, when the platform >was clearly slated BRET: Everyone there was to kiss his ass because Vince didn't want to anymore. >- a forum to hash old, unresolved discord between McMahon and himself. A >domicile where Hoga would give McMahon his first taste of comeuppance. > >Go back and look at the books, STEVE: -- and chances are that you'll realize just how stupid wrestling is. PAGE: That's a low blow, Steve. STEVE: Well, *someone* has to be the guardian of high art here. >Flair and his gang were calling the shots. Disastrous shots at best. BRET: Like that dropkick Erik Watts did at that one Starrcade. Man, that sucked. >Bankruptcy proceeding shots at worst. And if credit >should always be properly given - is rightly due - then reliable >accountability needs to get acquainted to the[ir] failures. PAGE: I hate it when the translators keep everything too literal. BRET: Page, this is English. PAGE: No, it's whatever language Oscar was writing in. >And Ric Flair and his coterie should be held accountable [and in >contempt] for the past results. Now, I respect the career Ric Flair had, >repeat, ALL: "I respect the career Ric Flair had." >respect the career he had. I also admire his love for the business and the >showmanship he brought to the sport for so many years. Success in this >industry depends on extracting BRET: -- money from gullible teenagers. >emotion from people. It's also the reason why many >of the guys stay in the damn business too long, although not the first and >foremost reason. That reason is money, pure and simple. Now, I'm not >going to go off on a long tirade PAGE: I'll believe THAT when I see it. >about the financial issues of specific guys in the business. But, a poignant >question always asked by fans and talent is, "Why is so and so still in >the business?" STEVE: Because he brainwashes the promoters into thinking that the success of others is his own? And grabs on like a leech to every successful idea that comes along? >Bottom line, everyone has to pay their bills and when you've been >practicing but one vocation your entire life, BRET: You can build up some killer seniority and get dibs on all the good donuts. >you've stopped thinking about doing something else for a living because >you traversed a line long ago, hereafter, your thoughts go from about >doing to can't do. You now believe you can't do anything >else. STEVE: How did we go from WCW vs. WWF to Jim psychoanalyzing the last three years of Ric Flair's career? >Moreover, the standard history of a wrestler's past is always laced with >scrupulous behaviors - PAGE: Right. Wrestlers are about as scrupulous as rock stars. >screwed up a couple marriages, beget a couple kids along the way. STEVE: Oh, I get it. Jim just can't tell the difference between the 'synonym' and 'antonym' parts of his thesaurus. BRET: But he *has* a dictionary... >Twenty years or so of child support when you have paid it and legal >fees when you have not, PAGE: Not to mention the massive bar tabs, pain killers, and all the money you spend at Cracker Barrel... >while living an image up and down an "expensive to find pensive" road STEVE: Ahhh. I see. BRET: Really? STEVE: No. >will more than use up a superstar's paycheck - no matter the number of >zeros. [Be sure and check out the $$$ back on the Sports Entertainment >domain page.] My point was how emotion becomes a deterrent to a guy >hanging up his wrestling career, when indeed he should. BRET: Stupid *emotions*. God, I hate 'em. >Wrestling fans, fickle as they are, rush in with the sympathy for old >timers. The problem is that once a guy gets to be an old timer, he doesn't >know the difference between feigned and real anymore. PAGE: Jim, why are you even pretending? Just say 'Flair'. Just come right out and say that you hate Ric Flair. >Guys live gimmicks for so long, they forget who the hell they are, BRET: This coming from a guy who had his name legally changed to 'Warrior'. >let alone whether fans and boys feel sorry for them or legitimately want >them to stick around. STEVE: I don't know about the boys, but it's been my experience that fans don't feel sorry for *anybody*. BRET: Tell me about it. >So that, in effect, a big poor-pitiful me party ensues without a cut-off >point - no deadline ever gets imposed. In other words, "No more >celebration earned or deserved." PAGE: You suck! I hate you! Go away! STEVE: I hate to change the subject, but isn't this SUPPOSED to be about WCW and WWF? >Stand as a man on your laurels, if you've worked hard enough to have >them, but for god-sakes man, stand somewhere else or re-invent yourself >- get better - do more - work harder - expand what it is you have to offer. >Hogan has - [ALL laugh] >others have not. BRET: But they're Hogan's friends, so they still have jobs. PAGE: Like *you* have room to talk. What about Dog-boy and "Yeah, baby" Neidhart? BRET: They're family! That's different! And you're not clean either! What about Hammer? >A real man doesn't let what was once a healthy ego become deteriorated >to a degree wherein you take the adulation of a once respected career and >disparage it just to make a paycheck. STEVE: We KNOW who you're talking about, Jim! JUST SAY 'FLAIR'! >Facts are facts. I live in a world of reality [ALL laugh really, really hard] >and I don't respect those who do not. Period, take it or leave. > >So, when you look at the timing of how things took place you cannot deny >that Hogan, under the auspices of Bischoff's authority, started implementing >creativity into the Turner organization. BRET: Yes we can. STEVE: Endless run-ins! The suppression of all talent under the age of thiry-five! Giving out championships on the spoils system! THAT'S wrestling! >Titan started to slide into an abyss, created by a creative vacuity, a hole >they're still trying to crawl out of. PAGE: A hole they got out of and proceeded to push us into. >Hogan's departure from WWF was coeval with the implementation of >new ideas, therefore new business, in Turner's league. It's very clear >where the ideas where coming from. Sure, Vince had a few. I mean, >after a few thousand attempts even the most dullard person can come >up with an idea or two. BRET: Just look at Peter David. PAGE: Or Scott Lobdell. STEVE: Or Rob Liefeld. >Besides Vince knows nothing about how to even run his own company, >his wife, Linda, steers the ship, always has. BRET: And the sheer *humility* and *gratitude* Jim expresses towards those who helped making him into one of wrestling's greatest stars... it's heartwarming. >Since those days, WWF has routinely, actually very >regularly, no, constantly imitates, even plagiarizes the ideas innovated >over at WCW - nWo. PAGE: Jim's acting like that's new or something. > >Vince and his cronies over at the WWF have always been big on watching the >Turner show, STEVE: Hey, who doesn't? PAGE: People with taste? BRET: PAGE! What the HELL are you doing? PAGE: Just playing devil's advocate. >any other wrestling show for that matter. The spy entrusted >for the broadest degree of surveillance is Finkel, yes, Howard Finkel. STEVE: HOWARD FINKEL?!! BRET: What's so important about Howard Finkel? STEVE: Beats the hell out of me. >Howard is harmless, but he's a sleaze-ball with no morals, albeit, just >one of the in-house reprobates - a guy who keeps tabs not only on the >WCW, but wrestling talk-shows (both radio and television), update >lines, newsletters, periodicals, PAGE: --magazines, greetings cards, novels, paperbacks, essays,-- >online activity...the whole ball of wax. Getting a little off track here, BRET: *You're kidding.* >the pithy point is...Vince is in a rut with (most) the talent he has. PAGE: I believe that's Warriorspeak for "Everyone but Steve Austin." >The line separating heels and baby faces is obfuscated in a way STEVE: Now I wish *I* had a dictionary. BRET: Well, someone's been reading his Reader's Digests! >that any heat anyone generates by his own volition quickly turns to >something like a warm piss. ALL: EWWWWW! >Look, I'm not a booker, PAGE: -- thank God, >but I am a creator and if I was to foke on the task at hand, I wouldn't >be operating the way Vince is. He's not getting the support he needs >from his bloated, insipid retinue. STEVE: But if they weren't bloated or insipid, then they wouldn't BE a retinue! >He needs to unload their fat carcasses. BRET: They're really starting to stink up the basement. >They are of no value. PAGE: Just like Jeff Jarrett. >It's ostensibly reflected in the numbers. Facts are Facts. Reality Dictates. >Existence Exist. STEVE: Expedience Expedient. BRET: Extravagence Extravagant. PAGE: Exuberance Exuberant. >10/11/97 > >A Warrior Work Always in Progress...Stay tuned for my weekly summation on >this ongoing dissension ALL: NO! >Set to Start Soon! STEVE: Hey, it's already over! BRET: Cool! C'mon, let's go. [ALL exeunt] [1-2-3-4-5-6] [SoN bridge. As guys walk onscreen, we see BISCH there, applying a nice cold compress to his head and wincing] PAGE: Eric! You're not dead! BISCH: No. So what did I miss in the post? STEVE: Not much. The Warior proclaimed Hogan God. BRET: And then he bitched about Flair for a while. BISCH: Oh. Well, I can understand that. PAGE [grumbling]: I bet you could. [Normal voice] Well, whaddaya think, Vince? [Titan 13] VINCE: What makes you think that's it, Rockers? [SoN.] STEVE: ...because we've read the post? [Titan 13] VINCE: Oh no, Mr. Clown! You've read *A* post! You've still got to go through another *fine* essay from the Warrior's site... X-PAC: It's called 'Chicanery Disappoints', and it's all about your pathetic attempt at having a Wrestlemania. [SoN] PAGE: You BASTARDS!! [As PAGE says this, he violently swings his arm forward to point at the 'screen'. Unfortunately, PAGE was standing behind BISCH, so the action of bringing his arm forward also completely cold-cocked BISCH. All stare as BISCH's eyes roll back, he sways on his feet, and then finally falls forward onto the console. Everything is deathly quiet.] PAGE: Not *again*. BRET: I'm seeing a LOT of jobbing in your future. STEVE: Either that, or Eric'll sue you for breach of contract. BRET: While keeping you enslaved, of course. PAGE: Shut up... [Lights and buzzers go off] PAGE: ... 'cause we've got POST SIGN! [6-5-4-3-2-1] [All enter theater] BRET: Of course, Eric may thank you for sparing him from THIS... >12/29/97..."CHICANERY DISAPPOINTS"... My opinion of Starrcade >of 1997 - The Dud of the Century. STEVE: That's all! Thank you! Good night! BRET: We wish. > > Have perused a couple sites to see PAGE: -- porn. Was not disappointed. >if anyone else felt as I did about Starrcade. The event of the decade - >The event of all time - The event of all wrestling history - STEVE: Wrestlemania 3? >did not, repeat, ALL: "Did not." >did not come close to being any of those. If you ask me, BRET: Which we didn't, but I have a feeling we're going to hear about it anyway... >they took all kinds of steam off Sting >and the gimmick. You don't create a Savior, let alone a kick-ass image, STEVE: -- and then let John Byrne ink it. >as was done for over 18 months, and have it flop around like a wet fish in a >match where the countenance of evil PAGE: Bill Gates? BRET: Hanson? STEVE: Ralph Reed? >should have been bumping like a bullfrog. > >You don't even pretend to have beaten a character who >regularly, for 18 months, John Wayne'd on 10-12 guys at a time. BRET: His impression was so bad -- the mockery he suffered so severe -- that it was 18 months before Sting would ever speak again. STEVE: Bite me. >You don't take an already inveterate WCW PAGE: -- plotline, and try to change it. Really messes with the booker's heads. >persona (Sting B.C.- Before Crowcharacterization), STEVE [nervous laughter]: Ahhh... 'The Crow'? What's 'The Crow'? BRET: Isn't it the name of that awful comic book you're always rea -- STEVE: SILENCE, INFIDEL! >who was then embellished and enshrined with freakish elitism, PAGE: You're an unholy abomination, so we think that you're better than we are. >and trade status, quid pro quo, with talent like a Bret Hart, BRET: And exactly what does *that* mean? PAGE: Does anybody here look like a Latin major to *you*? STEVE: I know that Jim certainly isn't. >in but the blink of an eye. Bret Hart is great wrestler. PAGE: Me like him. >No doubt; no argument. BRET: Yeah, I'm pretty much the greatest. >But, he ain't no James Dean, [STEVE stands up and vengefully fires a crotch-chop off at BRET] PAGE: Don't get *that* started again. >packed or stoked with (mega)tons of charisma, >and he sure as hell doesn't, even closely, compare to the transfigured, >transformed Sting character we've come to know, STEVE: Yeah, *I'm* pretty much the greatest. BRET: Bite me. >or rather anticipated and certainly expected, before yesterday. > >Let me get this straight... BRET: Or as straight as any of my long, rambling tirades ever gets... >The most over character in a long, long, time - irrefutably, the most >over in today's time - PAGE: Steve Austin? Who's Steve Austin? >needs to win the World belt, his name all over it, STEVE: That'd be nice, but they quit doing that after Giant had the belt. >by appeasing the jusification, >rationalization, and possibly hallucinations, of one, on his way out, always >to be over, already mega-prosperous veteran ...and in addition, >he needs to rely on a helping hand from a guy, who's own pre-event build >up, ironically, was also greater than anything since he came to town. [All stare at the screen in utter silence, and then...] BRET: I think the last part was about me. Maybe. PAGE: He was talking about wrestling? STEVE: Wow. That's a literary version of an Escher drawing. >You tell me. BRET: I'd like to but... I'm not quite sure what just happened. STEVE: Well, at least it's over. PAGE: We're outta here! [1-2-3-4-5-6] [SoN. BISCH is slowly hauling himself up from console as the guys file in.] BRET: Eric! You're *still* not dead! BISCH: Page, we need to have a looooong talk after this... but first, what did I miss? PAGE: Well, Warrior talked about how Starrcade sucked. STEVE: Either that or pork futures. You never can tell with Jim. BISCH: Well, whaddaya think, V-man? And try to make it fast... I *really* need to get some Tylenol. [Titan 13] VINCE: Don't try to order *me* around like one of your drones, Bitch-off! Just for that...WALTMAN! RETRIEVE THE DISK! X-PAC: *The* disk, sir? VINCE: Yes... Muahaha... The DISK! X-PAC: Don't you think that may be a bit much, sir? I mean, I hate them too, but -- VINCE: I'm not seeing you retrieve the disk, Waltman. X-PAC: Ooookay... I hope you guys have your accounts settled with the Almighty, because your next post [whips out disk clearly marked 'NOT SAFE FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION'] is...well... VINCE: The name says it all... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Prepare yourselves for GONTERMAN 3:16! [SoN. PAGE is oblivious, but the others have fearfully backed as far into a corner as they can, quaking in fear.] PAGE: Jesus H. Christ! Not *another* one! BISCH: G-Gonterman? BRET: *David* Gonterman? STEVE: 'Rangers of NIMH' Gonterman? BISCH: 'American Kitsune' Gonterman? PAGE: You guys heard of him? BRET: You know that 'countenance of evil' Warrior was talking about earlier? PAGE: Yeah? STEVE: Well, Gonterman's pretty much it. [Lights and buzzers go off] BISCH: OH MY GOD! WE'VE GOT GONTERMAN SIIIIIIIIGN! >Gonterman 3:16 PAGE: I can't believe a guy with a name like *Gonterman* tried to do a 3:16... >The views expressed here are David's alone. BRET: Thank God. >They may not reflect those of your own, or that of Geocities, AOL, >Simplenet, or anyone else. Of course, this does not mean that they >don't have to. :) STEVE: That smiley shoud look a bit more like this -- :-0 BISCH: Great. Gonterman thinks he's a cult leader. >Helllooo, did I scare someone away? PAGE: Well, you missed at least one person. *We're* here. BISCH: PAGE! No breaking the fourth wall when we riff Gonterman! >As some of you know from last week I got Internet Road Rage from >finding out about the MiSTing of SMAK, STEVE: Good! Heroin is bad for you! BISCH: Steve, I don't think he meant -- STEVE: And 'mother' is the name of God on the lips of all children! BISCH: *Sigh* >where I got my name totally screwed for now and for ever, PAGE: So this guy wrote a bad story, and now he's whining about the fact that somebody made fun of it, right? BRET: Basically. PAGE: Wouldn't writing the bad story embarrass him? And if he didn't want to get flamed, then why did he put it on the Net? STEVE: You're forgetting that we're talking about El Supremo Perfectamundo writer Gonterman here. Clearly, there's something wrong with us for not appreciating the subtle beauty of 'Blood and Metal'. >and I publicly raised Cain! BISCH: MAH GOD!! Just look at this carnage, this destruction!! Can *anyone* stop this MONSTER... [STEVE imitates the sound of UT's gong] >I described them as ignorant, intolerant, and illeterate scum of the earth, BRET: Well, at least he didn't call them *nuclear* scum. BISCH: 'Illeterate'? Gonterman's seriously trying to insult someone by calling them *ILLETERATE*? >and demanded that they go back to their burger-flipping/grocery bagging >job. STEVE: Am I just the coolest or what? >A also showed open hostility twoard anyone and everyone who ever MiSTed BRET: -- thus provoking widespread laughter. PAGE: And Gonterman, when Jamie Jeans and Karmicide and Blazej and Megane 6.7 and Tim McLees and Chris Golden and Mike Barklage and both David Hines and Seth Triggs and Kazei 5 and Don Euclid all get together to kick your ass, I'm gonna laugh and LAUGH... >especialy the ones who MiSTed me, and even made open threats. I >later deleted the threats. BISCH: As they were completely ineffective. >It appears that I scared all of you off ^-^ STEVE: Either that or the world *doesn't* revolve around me and everyone just didn't *care* about what I had to say. But we all know that's completely impossible! After all, *I'm* David Gonterman! >I have just flamed every MiSTer on the net, PAGE: Aren't you proud of me, mommy? >and once you see what I was painted as, BRET: A bad fanfic writer? PERISH the *thought*... >you'd think I had a perfectly legal right to follow through to a degree. >Where are all the flames to me now? BISCH: You won't have to look far, Dave. STEVE: Gonter-boy is all pissed about being flamed, so he asks to be flamed. Makes perfect sense! >Am I so much of a threat to you know that I totally scared you off, or >are you hoping that I pop up my head again so you can whap it back >down? BRET: In that case, I guess you can consider this a 'whap', Dave. PAGE: This guy is acting like there's people hunting him down to burn him at the stake. YOU JUST GOT FLAMED! It happens to *everybody* on the net! DEAL WITH IT! >Why am I thinking that the latter is true, and the mass assassination of >my character is still in effect? BISCH: I hate to sound like the Dark One, but in this case it really *was* David Gonterman who screwed David Gonterman! > >What I could say along the way might make you laugh, PAGE: -- inadvertently, >make you cry, STEVE: -- usually when I try to make you laugh, >make you mad, BISCH: -- that someone who supposedly speaks English as a first language could know so little about its usage, >but at least I'll won't make you bored. BRET: Try telling that to the poor bastards who had to MiST your stuff! >To paraphrase from The Outsider Edge Mailing List: PAGE: Dave's an nWo fan? *That* explains a lot. BISCH: Hey! There's nothing wrong with nWo fans! STEVE: Eric, *MaNSon* is an nWo fan, too. BISCH: That doesn't prove anything! >"These Sure as Hell isn't a Mark Comic Site" BRET: That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? STEVE: I thought you called geeky comic fans 'fanboys'... PAGE: The name may change, but ultimately, they're still marks. BISCH: And everyone knows that there's only one kind of person who seriously uses the word 'mark'... ALL: ...MARKS! BRET: Now let's get out of here. [1-2-3-4-5-6] [SoN. The guys looked pretty ragged. STEVE and BRET are sweating profusely and look very tired; they each have a towel and a water bottle. BISCH has applied a couple of icepacks to his head. PAGE is on a mysteriously convenient cellphone.] STEVE: Oh, God... I never want to do *that* again. BRET: Tell me about it! I haven't been this tired since the last Iron Man match I did! BISCH: I think would've rather gotten hit again than read all of those stupid *posts*... PAGE: ...I know what you think about some of the guys up here, but consider it a personal favor to me... and he did rip off your line... yeah, he tried to pull a 3:16... so you will? Great!... Listen, I've gotta go... I have a beep... STEVE: And the worst thng about it was that all three articles were written by flaming egomaniacs! BRET: But at least Warrior's kinda *justified* in having his ego... I don't know what the hell is wrong with Gonterman. BISCH: The boy writes writes self-insertion fanfics that crossover The Secret of NIMH and Rescue Rangers and Sonic the Hedgehog! I think that says it all. PAGE: Kimberley!! How are y-- WHAT? Miguel Perez? In our bathtub? Shaving his BACK HAIR?! Quick, call La Parka... STEVE [glancing over at PAGE]: *Miguel Perez*? BRET: It's an in-joke. Don't worry about it. BISCH: Well, what do you think now, Lidless Eyes? [Titan 13. VINCE and X-PAC are wearing flowing white robes and bowing before a framed picture of Johnathan Brisby. Printouts of the various Gonterman stories and comics are piled before it.] VINCE and X-PAC: Deius Gloriam GON-TER-MAN! Deius Gloriam GON-TER-MAN! [SoN.] BISCH: Well, that's disturbing. PAGE: Don't worry about it. I have this taken care of. [Titan 13. Suddenly, we hear the sound of glass breaking as 'Hell Frozen Over' cues up. STEVE AUSTIN storms into Titan 13, dragging along a young man wearing a T-shirt with 'Foxfire Studios' proudly emblazoned across it] AUSTIN: So MOUSE-BOY here thinks that he's enough of a BAD-ASS to steal *my* catchphrase? Well, AUSTIN 3000 says I just RIFFED YOUR ASS... THE HARD WAY!! The next time you wanna go typin' your little Nancy-boy comments on the internet you better believe that the bottom line is Stone Cold Steve Austin wil beat the sh*t OUT OF YA! [At this point, AUSTIN begins beating on the young man in question like the proverbial red-headed stepchild] [SoN. ALL are applauding.] BRET: This is great and all... but this is the second MiSTing in a row that we've ended with having a notorious fanfic author being physically beaten. STEVE: So? I think if we had a little bit more of this going on, we could put an end to those awful 12-part series... BRET: Yeah, but this entire plot device is trite, immature, and hypocritical! We might as well be doing an anti-fic! PAGE: Hey! This is actually *entertaining*! BISCH: And you know, Bret... BRET: What? BISCH: Wrestling is fake. You should really just relax. AND QUIT BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! [Titan 13. AUSTIN hurls the young man into the 'screen'. We hear him moan softly as he slides down it, accidentally hitting the button.] PWOOSH! [In the background, we can still hear VINCE and X-PAC: "Deius Gloriam GON-TER-MAN! Deius Gloriam GON-TER-MAN!] BORING STUFF: In regards to my regular cast o' characters, it's pretty much the same as last time. Stone Cold Steve Austin is the property of the WWF and Steve Williams, God bless him. No licenses to anything were given or implied in the making of this MiSTing, and I'm damn sure that I'm not gonna make any money off of it. The original articles here are TM & C their respective authors, who are welcome to them. AUTHOR'S NOTES: I hope everyone had fun reading this. No disrespect was meant to either of the original authors. Warrior actually had some good ideas and interesting insights (if you could dig them out), and I encourage you to visit his site at ultimatewarrior.com. As for David Gonterman... just take the constructive criticism I offered and CHILL about this whole MiSTing thing. You do your thing, we do ours, and let's just stay out of each other's way, okay? Anyone who wishes to understand the Miguel Perez in-joke can e-mail Karmacide at Karmacide@aol.com. Thanks, as always, go out to the Shadowman for help with Steve Austin's dialogue (he's harder to write than you'd think!), Angela Allman for being Angela Allman, Karmacide for feedback, Blazej for being Blazej, and Shinji for maintaining Shinji's Vault of Anime MiSTings. Post 103 is in the works, and tentatively scheduled to be a Power Rangers/Wrestling crossover. But it'll be a long time before you see it, due to the end-of-the-school-year madness. Until then, keep circulating the fics! You can find all of my works at: "Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings" -- ftp://ftp.solbase.com/MSTings.html Contact the writer! Send C & C to: lynxara@hotmail.com