Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 101: Sailor Moon vs.The WWF! MiSTing by Lynxara...Continued Chris said, with a smile. "Oh, but please make yourself at home man!" Oscar said as he let Chris in. "Where do i put my things?" Chris said, looking at Oscar's living room "Oh! Put them over that couch... i have to make breakfast for the 3 of us. 13 and already cooking, cool huh?" BISCH: WARNING! WARNING! EGO ALERT! STEVE: No kidding. I'm surprised he hasn't given himself super powers yet. BRET: Actually, there's this one story where he's a Super Saiyan... [STEVE groans in pain] Oscar said, while he went into his kitchen. Artemis finally woke up, meowing and stretching up.. "MEOOOOWW. PAGE: Why the hell would a talking cat say 'Meow?' mmmmmm, well it's morning already" He said as he went into the living room. "Oh! hi Artemis!" Said Chris as he looked down to Artemis. BISCH: Yes, Chris Benoit is the friend of all animals. Artemis gasped, and said "Wow! hi Chris!" STEVE : Your feud with Kevin Sullivan rocked! what brings you here?" Chris was sitted on Oscar's couch and said "Well, Oscar told me that Raye and the others where gonna be on WWF SUPERSTARS. BRET : I figured Vince must be getting *really* desperate for talent, so I thought I'd see if I could get a better contract from him... BISCH: Bret, *listen* to yourself! And i came here to watch that," PAGE : And laugh my ass off. You? Artemis looked at Chris with an evil smile "Heh.... aren't you here for something else?" STEVE: No, not *Benoit* and the cat! BRET: Ummm... maybe he's Chris *Jericho* instead. Chris replied "What do you mean!?" Artemis still with his evil smile, said "Oh I don't know, pherhaps Raye?! BISCH: Chris Benoit's dating Sailor Mars? PAGE: Benoit really *is* cool! hmm?!" "Shut up!" Chris yelled at Artemis, as he threw a marbel to him. BISCH: I would've thrown the sword to him -- point first. BRET: Oh, *now* who's getting dark? "NAHA! You missed me!" Artemis said as he went inside the kitchen with Oscar. "Freakin' cat!" Chris said under his breath. Oscar said to Chris "OK! Come and get it!" ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! Oscar, Chris & Artemis began eating, and suddenly Chris asked Oscar "Hey, could you give Raye this letter?" He, lended Oscar a pink envelope. STEVE: He wanted to make sure that Oscar gave it back. "Heh... sure Chris". In the afternoon, Oscar went to Raye's temple, and gave her the letter Chris sent to her. Raye never had a boyfriend, except for Chad, but that's another story. PAGE: Which, if Oscar wrote it, would be pure hardcore porn. She opened the envelope and readed, she blushed as she readed. After she readed the letter, she got dressed up, and went to the park. BISCH: She then realized that her strapless evening gown was just a *bit* impractical. Chris was already there, waiting for her. Raye looked at Chris, and yelled "Chris! Hi!" Chris turned around to see Raye, She had a green skirt, a light red jacket, jeans BRET: Who's her fashion consultant, Stevie Wonder? and tennis. STEVE: Eric, how do you wear a sport? BISCH: Just don't think about it. Your head will explode if you do. Altough for some others, Raye would look a little weird for the occasion, PAGE: Blue *jeans* and a light green *skirt* would look weird any-f'n-where! Chris really didn't care for her outfit, BRET: He had taste. he only looked at Raye. BISCH: Can't say I blame him. I could use a little Burning Mandala right now... STEVE: Eric, this story has warped you. BRET: And aren't you married? PAGE: Since when has *that* stopped anybody in this industry? "Hi Chris! It's so nice to see you again" Raye said as she got to were Chris was,"Hello Raye! some time... huh?" Chris said as he putted his arm over Raye's shoulder. PAGE: That Benoit is one bad mutha... BISCH: Shut yo' mouth! PAGE: I'm just talkin' bout Benoit! "Sooo, how have you been? Do you still have your sword?" STEVE: Man, the chicks *always* go for the guy with the cool sword. Raye asked Chris "Well yes. i'm staying with Oscar, while i'm here. Maury couldn't come come" BRET: Great. Now Oscar's inserting people at random! Chris replied "Who cares about Maury? BISCH : It's time to give the Crippler some sweet lovin'! it's just you and me," they had a private conversation, they kissed, and well.... you know what followed... HEH! ^_^ STEVE [pulls a baseball bat out of... somewhere, and points it at the screen]: I *warned* you, Oscar. Now, your ass is MINE. PAGE: Sweet Jesus! Chris Benoit just bagged Sailor Mars! BRET: Like I said, he's the coolest human being alive. ....That night, Chris came late to Oscar's house, and tried not to wake Oscar, BISCH: As he shoved the pillow down on Oscar's face... He prepared his covers and doze off to sleep... The next day, it was the big day, when the scouts will face their ultimate challenge. STEVE : THE UUUUUUUUUULTIMATE WARRIOR!! PAGE: Hey, you're pretty good at that. STEVE: I *should* be. They prepared physical & mentally. BISCH: And emotionally & spiritually too. After all, they had Benoit with them. 2 limousines picked Serena, Raye, Mina, Lita, Amy & Luna, Oscar, Chris & Artemis. They were on their way to the most amazing match. BRET: Hulk Hogan's ego vs. Vince McMahon's paranoid delusions IN A STEEL CAGE!! The stadium was REALLY TO THE TOP. BISCH : And we have a CAPACITY CROWD on hand for what is sure to be THE BIGGEST NITRO EVER!!!! Fortunately, for everyone's sake, there was a very good cooling system. PAGE: Well *that* changes everything! STEVE: Yeah, a good cooling system turns darkness into light and questions into answers! BRET: Bow down to the almighty COOLING SYSTEM! They arrived, they got to the dressing rooms, BISCH: They went there to check out the guys, since they don't *need* dressing rooms because they can INSTANTANEOUSLY TRANSFORM... as Oscar, Artemis, Chris & Luna prepared to go+outside. "Well, this is it... Good luck everybody!" Oscar said to the scouts. He grabbed Artemis, and putted him over his shoulder, "Well let's get out there, and kick some ass!!" [ALL begin air guitaring and singing/humming 'Hell Frozen Over'] Everyone replied "YEAH!!!". Jerry "the+king" lawler, and Vince Mcmahon, sitted on their chairs preparing to make their comentaries. The announcer yelled PAGE: Wow. The WWF's so strapped for cash that they can't even afford *microphones*. "AND NOW! THE MATCH, YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! STEVE: They're so strapped for cash that they can't even afford an *undercard*. THE FIRST EVER 10 MEN/WOMEN FIGHT, ON A NEW WWF GENERATION!!" BRET: Because the last generation figured out what a jerk Vince was. Everyone screamed in excitation. BISCH : Such was their adoration that not even the adulteration of the show's acceleration nor the annunciation of the annotation as an automation and approximation of their aspirations could devalue their commutation as they watched the unholy conglomeration and congregation that is the Nation of Domination. [all others applaud] "INTRODUCING FIRST!! ACOMPANY BY MANAGERS, OSCAR, CHRIS, ARTEMIS, AND LUNA! THE CHALLENGERS, STEVE : FOR THE TAG-TEAM STUPID PLOT CONTRIVANCE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!! FROM TOKYO! SAILORMOON! SAIILORMARS! SAILORVENUS! SAILORMERCURY & SAILORJUPITER!!" The moonlight densetsu song, filled the air. BRET: All right! The theme! BISCH AND BRET [in true fanboy style, singing]: Gomei nei sunama jama kunte... STEVE: Gah! Pink... girlyness... closing in... can't breathe... And everyone cheered the scouts, PAGE: As they never would for a perverse freak like Oscar. as Oscar entered with the silver crystal in his hands, BRET: So Sailor Moon left the most powerful weapon in the universe in *Oscar's* care at ringside, where any flippin' thing in the world could happen to it! BISCH: Maybe that's why they have Benoit there. With Artemis on his shoulder, and Chris with Luna. Then Serena came out, followed by Raye, Mina, Amy & Lita. They entered the ring, and made a victorious gesture. [PAGE does the Diamond Cutter sign] as Mcmahon said "Well, the girsl are up in the square circle and ready for action!" And lawler said "Yeah! We haven't seen women fight since Luna Vachon Mcmahon" BISCH: Luna's his sister!! BRET: Evil IS genetic! And the announcer yelled "THEIR OPPONENTS! THE BIGGEST WWF SUPERSTARS!!! BISCH: Or at least the ones who don't work for me. BRET "HITMAN" HART, THE UNDERTAKER, PAGE: That's a little odd, but I could sorta see it... RAZOR RAMON, SHAWN MICHAELS & GOLDUST!!!" STEVE: And what little credibility Oscar had left goes down the toilet! BRET: How could McMahon possibly come up with a storyline to explain this? PAGE: Whose music would they come out to? BISCH: Guys, you're thinking about the story again... Serena & Raye, when they looked at Shawn Michaels, They had their eyes like hearts, STEVE: Owen or Stu? BRET: No, *me* with your baseball bat and diplomatic immunity. as Oscar & Chris had their heads down, with BIG tear drops over their heads. The wrestlers entered the ring, Mcmahon said "Whoa, look at that! BISCH : *Wrestlers* in a *wrestling* ring! Who'da thunk it? the best WWF wrestlers joined!! PAGE: Well, *there's* an image that'll haunt my nightmares. WOW, The excellence of execution, the phenom, STEVE: Goldberg? the bad guy, the sexy boy BRET [grumbling]: I bet you'd know a lot about how 'sexy' Shawn is... and the bizarre!" PAGE: Hulk Hogan's nephew in Raven's Flock? STEVE: The World Champion not being in the main event? BRET: Dusty Rhodes in the nWo? BISCH: Have you guys ever heard the term 'mutiny'? Lawler "Yeah!! I don't think those girls, could beat these superstars!! ha ha ha" STEVE: Say what you want about Oscar's writing ability, buy you've gotta admit -- his characterization of Lawler is dead-on. Mcmahon "Well lawler, as we said it before, Anything can happen here in the WWF!!" BRET : Anything that we've scripted six months in advance can happen! the bell tinged, sign of the start of the match. Serena was the legal girl in the ring, with Bret. Bret & Serena grabbed each other, PAGE[snickering]: I'm *sure* they did! STEVE: You pedophile! BRET: I... guys, you know I'd never do something this wrong! but Bret began punching her on the mid-section, PAGE: Yes, let's watch the *noble Canadian patriot* beat the crap out of a helpless 14-year-old girl! BRET: Shut up! Just shut up! Mcmahon: "Whoa! Now Bret Hart, working on to the mid-section of Sailormoon!" Lawler: "He's too aggressive, he's gonna get disqualified, BISCH: Being aggressive in wrestling matches is absolutely unheard of! and have to pucker up!" STEVE: I bet Bret puckers up for little girls *all* the *time*... [BRET punches STEVE in the shoulder] BRET: I *said* SHUT UP! Mcmahon "I'd hate that, PAGE: Sure, Vince. but Bret Hart dominating the match here in Japan". Bret threw Serena into the buckle. STEVE: Perverse *and* violent. It's sad, really... [This time, when BRET goes to punch him, STEVE dodges] Mcmahon: "And Sailormoon, to the buckle, that hurts her back as well. BISCH: You're *kidding*. PAGE: Jeez, this commentary is making me miss Dusty. and again to the other buckle." Bret threw Serena to the ropes, and made contact with a clothesline. Mcmahon: "Sailormoon being setup now, off the ropes and a clothesline, Bret to the ropes and another one, and Sailormoon's starting to rock!" STEVE [laughing]: *Three* clotheslines and you *still* couldn't knock her over? BRET: ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT!! [BRET jumps STEVE and the two begin brawling] Bret prepared Serena for an atomic drop. BISCH: But an atomic drop goes after your... and girls don't *have*... PAGE: Do really expect a guy who fantasizes about screwing cats to know *anything* about the female anatomy? BISCH: Well, you think he would've at least ran across a Penthouse or something. Lawler: "OH WAIT!! NO NO NO NO NOO!!!" Bret performed the atomic drop on Serena!! PAGE: Now Oscar's just *giving* me the jokes. Mcmahon: "Oh my goodness!! that had to hurt something more than her butt, BISCH: No it couldn't! SHE'S A GIRL!! ha ha ha ha!", [STEVE and BRET are still brawling on the left side of the theater. Now they're pulling weapons from no discernable place and pummelling each other with them] PAGE: Do you think we should break them up or something? BISCH: I guess so. We are starting to miss some perfectly good jokes over this. C'mon. [BISCH and PAGE head to the far left of the theater] Lawler: "Well I don't know how much Sailormoo n can take here, Bret Hart's really nailing her with some high impact maneuvers!" [BISCH and PAGE wade into the fray and pull STEVE and BRET apart] Bret hart, now went to the 2nd rope. BISCH[as he struggles to hold BRET back]: Guys! Save it for a Pay-Per-View! BRET: Come on, you Draven wannabe! STEVE [as PAGE holds him back]: Prepare to DIE, pink-boy! Mcmahon "And now! Bret Hart, to the corner, Bret hart!!! crunch the elbow!! [STEVE and BRET have calmed down some. BISCH is lecturing them] BISCH: Just *look* at yourselves! Our very souls are being attacked by ince and you're cracking! We NEED to stay together if we're gonna get our way through this one! PAGE: Yeah, so make nice and shut up. BRET: Oh, it's not like you're *missing* anything because of us. Our fight was better than the one in the story! STEVE: Eric's right, Bret. Apologize and I *might* just forgive you, pinky. BRET: I WILL NOT! *You* started it! we have a cover! BISCH: I think everyone's wrong here. Steve, remember that Bret is having to sit through having himself written by a perverse hack. And Bret, remember that Steve is having to read the end result! He's probably suffering as much as you are! PAGE: I know *I'm* suffering. BISCH: So, apologize, both of you. STEVE: Oh, all right. I'm sorry about riffing on you for the stupid crap that Oscar had you doing. BRET: And I'm sorry for insensitively trying to kill you for it. BISCH: See? All better. [All walk back to their appropriate seats. STEVE and BRET make faces at each other when BISCH isn't looking.] 1----2---" But before the referi said 3, Raye came up with a drop-kick while slapping Serena's hand, PAGE: How the hell would you break a pin with a dropkick? STEVE: Well, if you didn't especially care about the well being of your partner... making the tag. Mcmahon: "Oh wait a minute!! Mars came up with a drop-kick!!" BRET: Y'know, there's SLOW, and then there's *SLOW*. smacking Bret's count!" Lawler: "OH C'MON REFERI! IS THAT LEGAL?!" PAGE: In 49 states, yeah. BISCH: Sorry, Tennessee! Raye continued kicking Bret Hart, STEVE: See, a few minutes ago I would've made fun of you for being wussy enough to get beaten up on by a wispy 14-year-old girl. But *now*, I'll just let that slide. BRET [despairingly]: I can't win. I just can't win. Mcmahon: "And Mars, coming in with serious kicks right to the stomach, of Bret Hart. Bret Hart being setup now, OH A REVERSAL! Nicely done! Mars ducking before Bret connected with a clothesline, PAGE: Ah, so Mars reversed control of the match from Mars to Mars. And Mars coming frome BISCH: *Ethan* Frome? behind, With a bull-dog!! STEVE: Davey Boy Smith? What a maneuver that was!!" Lawler: "Look Mcmahon, those 2 freaks, Oscar & Chris, with their cats! BRET : Bringing *animals* to a wrestling ring... that's the *stupidest* thing I've ever seen! What kind of *idiot* would want to do that? Coming in closer, with a stupid crystal on their hands! Ha ha!!". PAGE: So now Sailor Moon's gonna become super duper Sailor Moon or whatever, and use her healing powers of love to make the wrestlers quit fighting them, right? And then we'll find out that whoever booked this is just an evil otherwordly shapeshifter, right? BISCH: I think it'll be more along the lines of 'Sailors beat the WWF wrestlers shitless despite the fact that they trained exactly one day for this and, excepting Jupiter, have never had a physical confrontation with anyone in their entire lives.' Raye prepared Bret for a powerslam. STEVE: WHAT? Bret weighs about 250 pounds! BRET: Can we have a moment of silence for my dignity? AAANNNDDD POWERSLAMM!" [BRET bows his head in shame] Bret could hardly move. [BRET weeps] Mcmahon: "And Mars conecting witha series of slaps! [Others begin comforting Bret] Another one, and... Oh wait a minute, Bret's retaliating with everything he's got!! BISCH: See? Things'll get better! BRET: Oh, I doubt it. Mars blocks the fourth however, and a big punch right there making Bret go down to the canvas!" BRET: See? STEVE: This is horrible. Bret, man, I'm sorry. I had no idea it would get *this* bad. PAGE: Next Oscar's gonna have Chibimoon and Chibi chibi win a ladder match against Terry Funk and Cactus Jack. Lawler: "You know Mcmahon! Bret's a greta wrestler, I gotta admit it! but how can it be that he can't beat this girl?!!" BISCH: I'm betting that there's some kind of plot contrivance field emanating from the Silver Crystal that's sapping his strength. STEVE: Oh, I get it. Kinda like Ratliff gas. Raye was about to sleeper-hold Bret, but Bret clotheslined her, BISCH: See? The unpredictability of the plot contrivance field allowed Bret to suddenly break all the laws of physics while simultaneously defying the limits of the human body! It all makes sense now! PAGE: You're reaching, Eric. BISCH [sighs]: I know. God, is this horrible fight scene ever going to END?! giving him the enough time to make a tag. Mcmahon: "Well, Bret has made a tag to Razor, BRET: Because when you need someone to beat up a 14-year old girl, Scott Hall's the man to call. STEVE: I thought Razor was crossing over with the Crow... as he wisely starts dealing with the left arm wrist of Mars, oops! PAGE <'Mcmahon'>: Mars seems to have remembered that she has superhuman powers! Poor greasy Razor never stood a chance! Oh, the humanity... nice reversal there by Mars. But Razor, kicking Mars ankle, BISCH [giggling]: Okay, so the best move the World Tag Champion could come up with to beat a girl half his size was to *kick* her in the *ankle*. BRET: Say what you want about how Oscar wrote *me*, but you have to admit, his rendition of Scott Hall's wrestling ability is dead-on. making her fall... and down with the elbow!! STEVE: Yeah! Down with the elbow! Elbows suck! ALL: LONG LIVE KNEES!! Razor with Mars over him, AAAANNNNDDD O MY GOODNESS WHAT A SLINGSHOT SUPLEX!! And Razor, with a boot to the mid-section. Razor makes a tag with The bizarre Goldust. BISCH: Isn't that 'The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust' now? PAGE: More like 'The Artist Formerly Known as Dustin Rhodes'. STEVE: More like 'The Artist Formerly Known as Dustin Rhodes Who Formerly was Somebody and is Now Just Another One of Vince's Ill-Conceived Gimmicks'. and a double slam on Mars!. BRET: Eww. There's something I never wanted to think about. BISCH: Even assuming that's not some kind of perverse reference, what the hell is a double slam? How could you *do* a double bodyslam? Has Oscar ever even SEEN a wrestling match? Razor goes out to the outside." PAGE: Instead of going out to the inside. Raye before Goldust, was over her, STEVE: ...started seeing someone else. Dustin was really hurt. punched him on the throat. Lawler: "OH MY!! DID YOU SEE THAT MCMAHON?!! What a punch there by Mars!" Mcmahon: "And Mars, with a hard slap to the face of Goldust, and one in the keister as well," BRET: Uh-oh. Luna's gonna be pissed. BISCH: I hope you mean Luna *Vachon*. God, I hope you mean Luna Vachon. PAGE: Y'know, this Oscar guy just doesn't have very good taste. STEVE: Yeah, the kind of guy that would read 'Penthouse' in a dentist's waiting room. Lawler: "OH LOOK AT HIM MCMAHON! HE LIKES IT, HE LIKES IT!!" ALL: SHUT UP, LAWLER!! PAGE: Where's Andy Kaufman when you need him? Mcmahon: "What?" BISCH: I've never claimed to understand Vince but... what kind of psychopath would *want* Lawler to talk again? Lawler: "GOLDUST, HE LIKES THAT!!" BRET: I have this horrible image in my head of what Goldust liking that would look like. BISCH: I know. Just try to block it out. Raye was getting nervous about Goldust. STEVE: Well, then she shouldn't have slapped him on the ass! Mcmahon: "Goldust with bizarre tactics, up here with Mars... STEVE: ...floating? PAGE : Goldust has brought out his midget assistant, Goldink! Now that's bizarre! BRET [gagging]: Shut up, Page. JUST SHUT UP. Mars being setup now, off the ropes, and a clothesline by Goldust, as the other scouts see this, their partner is in deep trouble" Raye was being setup, BISCH: So Mars is being setup, then. PAGE: Pretty much. by Goldust but made a reversal. Mcmahon: "Mars off the ropes, oh a reversal clothesline!" BRET [scared]: Guys, I think the clothesline may be the only wrestling move that Oscar knows. BISCH [equally scared]: There's someone on this earth who knows less about wrestling than Schiavone? Lawler: "WOW!! THIS SHOULD GIVE HER THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE THE TAG" Mcmahon: "She needs a tag bad here, and a tag is made!!! Here comes Amy, BRET: Wait a minute! How does Vince know Sailor Mercury's real name? PAGE: Probably the same way he knew where she lived. trying to punch Goldust, but he blocks! BISCH: Big deal. *Tenay* could block one of Mercury's punches. UHF a hard right hand, Amy was being pumelled by Goldust, as Mina saw this she began going up to the top rope. Mcmahon: "HEY WAIT A MINUTE!! VENUS TO THE TOP ROPE, SHE GOES DOWN WITH A KICK!! BRET: Yes, the feared Generic Kick --by far the most dangerous move in wrestling. BOOM AND CONNECTS" Lalwer: "SHE SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED MCMAHON" Goldust was in the canvas PAGE: He *is* the ring. while Amy took advantage of this, and began kicking goldust with all her might. STEVE: Bret, I think you can feel better about yourself now. Mcmahon: "OH THAT'S GOTTA HURT!! LOOK AT MERCURY, KICKING GOLDUST ALL OVER THE RING, I CANNOT BELIEVE MY EYES!! BISCH: Neither can I. Losing to Mercury is like getting your ass kicked by Elizabeth. BRET: Or Lodi. PAGE: Or Vincent. STEVE: Or *Glacier*. GOLDUST IS BEING PUMELLED BY A GIRL!!" PAGE <'Mcmahon'>: And this time he didn't have to pay first! BISCH: PAGE! Lawler: "I THINK I SAW A TEETH POPING!" BRET: Y'know, a lot of Oscar's stuff really just makes fun of itself. Goldust grabbed Amy ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! by her foot. [ALL breathe sighs of relief] and made her trip, Mcmahon: "But wait a second! Goldust taking my by her foot, BISCH: Does anybody have any idea what just happened? [Nobody raises their hands] and oh!! With a piledriver? NO not quite." BRET: Either it's a piledriver or it's not, Vince. Mina entered the ring just before Goldust lifted Amy up, and slaped her hand making a tag. STEVE: So in the WWF, you can make a tag in the middle of the ring? BRET: Ummm... no. PAGE: See, I think this all goes back to my 'Oscar is a dumbass' theory. Mina got to far and wounded Goldust soo bad, he began bleeding. BISCH: Okay, this whole hardcore thing has officially gone too far. Lawler: "WOW MCMAHON, GOLDUST IS BLEEDING!! HA HAAA" STEVE [as Nelson from 'The Simpsons']: Ha-ha! Mina setted up Goldust, and toss him to his corner. PAGE: Who *booked* this crap? Mcmahon: "Oh oh. Looks like Venus made a mistake there throwing Goldust to his own corner, he can make a tag!" BRET [sarcasm running on 'high']: *No.* BISCH: Why is Oscar even bothering to write commentary? I mean the whole point of a commentator is to explain the match, but if you're just *writing* a match, then you don't need to have it explained by someone else! *You* have to explain it because you're making it up! STEVE: Eric, what have you been telling us about thinking about the story? and A tag is made! here comes the Phenom!!" PAGE: Oh, *this* should be good. Mina, looked at the undertaker, and she felt something cold... BRET: A fan had jumped in the ring and dropped an ice cube down the back of her uniform! Mcmahon: "And wow... can Venus be up to it? Undertaker, seting up Venus, with a thrust! ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! and a kick to the mid-section, and another thrust.... ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! WOW he's choking Venus!! Venus cannot get rid of this!! She's in deep trouble" Lawler "I told you, they wouldn't make it with these wrestlers!" PAGE: Give Oscar a few more pages. Hell, or a whole other fanfic. Undertaker, was choking harder and harder Mina's throat BISCH: As opposed to choking her earlobe. as she gasped for air. Mcmahon: "Venus trying to get on her feet... BOOM what an elbow to the face of The Undertaker!!! STEVE: Mina's related to Plastic Man! And that's gonna get mad the undertaker!" BRET: Finish your training you will. Undertaker now setted up Mina to the ropes. Lawler: "WOW LOOK AT THAT IS HE GONNA! DO THAT TO A WOMAN?!!! PAGE:It's better than doing *that* to a cat... Mcmahon: "I think you're right!! he's gonna make the TOMBSTONE on Venus!!" Lawler: "TOMBSTONE, TOMBSTONE, TOMBSTONEE!" BISCH: TONY, TONI, TONEE!! BOOM undertaker made the TOMBSTONE on Mina. Mcmahon: "OH MY! HE DID IT! 1-----2--->-, HEY WAIT A MINUTE JUPITER COMES THUNDERING DOWN!!! BRET: 'Thundering'? Lita must've been hitting the odango pretty hard lately. STEVE: What the *hell* is an 'odango'? BRET: If you have to *ask*, you'll never know. PUNCHING UNDERTAKER WITH ALL HER MIGHT!! AND NOW SETTUPING THE PHENOM, OH MY GOODNESS!!! SHE'S GONNA MAKE HIM TRY SOME OF HIS OWN MEDICINE!!! BISCH : Let's see how YOU like the cherry Robitussin! TOMBSTONE, TOMBSTONE!" Lawler: "OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! HOW CAN THIS BE?" PAGE: This kind of thing usually happens when you let people who can't drive write fanfics. BOOOM Lita made the TOMBSTONE on the undertaker. BISCH: There was cheese and tomato sauce and pepperoni everywhere! It was horrible! Mcmahon: "THE UNDERTAKER WAS NEVER, BEEN SO HUMILIATED ON HIS LIFE!" BRET: What about his feud with Kamala? PAGE: What about the 'fake Undertaker' storyline? STEVE: What about *Kane*? BISCH: What about *Paul Bearer*? 1----2----. Lawlwr: "LOOK AT SHAWN! DOING THE "SWEET CHIN MUSIC" IN FRONT OF JUPITER'S FACE!" PAGE: Which had no effect, because he missed her entirely. Serena entered the ring and began pumelling on Shawn's back, BRET: In a sudden moment of clarity, Bret saw who the real enemy was and decided to pummel Shawn too. While Lita confonted, Goldust. STEVE : Dustin, honey, your father and I are worried. We're afraid you've started hanging around with the wrong kind of people... Mcmahon: "HEY! THIS THING HAS GONE MAD!! EVERYONE'S FIGHTING TO DEATH!! PAGE: Gee, Vince, do you think that explains your problems with being understaffed? LOOK AT THIS MARS NOW WITH RAZOR, LIFTING HER UP AND DOING THE RAZOR'S EDGE!!! BISCH: That's the *Outsider's* Edge. BRET: I have a hard time believing that even Scott Hall would do a crucifix powerbomb on a girl. STEVE: I have a hard time believing a human being of sound mind who speaks English wrote this story. AS BRET, PERFORMIN THE SHARPSHOOTER ON VENUS!!! SAILOR MOON NOW GETTING KICKED IN THE FACE BY GOLDUST!! PAGE [squirming uncomfortably]: This is like watching a snuff film. BRET: I'm seeing the Sailors' broken bodies lying everywhere... WITH A COVER 1-----2----3!!! BISCH: And people say *our* booking is bad... Lawler:"OH NOOOOO!!!" The announcer said "THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, TEAM= GOLDUST, RAZOR RAMON, SHAWN MICHAELS, THE UNDERTAKER, AND BRET "HITMAN" HART! The scouts, Oscar, Artemis, Chris &Luna couldn't believe what just happened!! their team got beated up by the WWF!! BRET: Yeah, and then Vince'll show up on RAW talking about how the Sailor Scouts screwed the Sailor Scouts. Mcmahon: "Well, either winned or loosed, these girls will be remembered by a looong time here in the WWF!" STEVE: ...in much the same way that people remember Doink the Clown and The Red Rooster. everyone cheered the as they left the square circle, and the others made their victorious gesture. BISCH: So were they doing crotch chops or crowd calls or WHAT?! Amy said exhausted "Phew! gat a fight.... i knew we would we loose" PAGE: Well... yeah. We all know when we're gonna lose. Everyone turned to see Amy, with a stressed face "SHUT UP AMY!!!" Oscar congratulated everybody, "OH C'MON! It's not like it's the end of the world or something.... at least this was a great training!"... STEVE : We'll be great at getting our asses kicked from now on! they all turned to Oscar, with an exhausted smile "Well i think you're right... now, we're a little more physical-strong... oh well, what do you say if we eat something? we need to regain our strengts" BISCH: Because food eases all pain and heals all wounds! This brought to you by the Gluttony Council! Remember, it may be a sin... but what isn't? Raye said as she, took Chris by his arm, and everyone left the stadium... walking to a nearby restaurant. BRET: The Nearby Restaurant, serving your plot contrivance needs since 1938. Suddenly Oscar remembered something "DAMN! I LEFT THE SILVER CRYSTAL IN THE STADIUM LOCKER!!" PAGE: Hey, Mr. President? Y'know that arming code thingy you wanted me to watch? Well, I kinda accidentally left it at the dry cleaners. STEVE: But Oscar had it at ringside... he never took it to the lockers... head... hurts... They all turned back to see Oscar and yelled "YOU DID WHAT!!!???? YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!" [ALL smile for a really, really long time.] Oscar became tiny, and weakly said "Ok ok! i'll go already" But Artemis offered to help "It's ok Oscar, i'll go" BISCH : Even though I don't have hands and don't know where the locker is and happen to be really small and helpless! He turned back and went to the stadium, before Artemis was out of sight, Oscar said to him "Artemis!!" PAGE : Are you sure you don't mind being the redshirt for this story? Cuz we could probably kill off this Chris guy just as easy... BRET: Hey, NOBODY could kill Chris Benoit. Artemis turned back, and replied with a smile "Yes Oscar?" Oscar standed there, like a rock STEVE: He thinks like a rock, too. "Umm.... nothing be careful" BISCH : Don't get killed or attacked or kidnaped or anything! Artemis smiled and said "Hm... ok!" as he left. Everyone entered the restaurant and ordered a BIG Dinner, PAGE: After all, the Big Dinner is the Nearby Restaurant's specialty. They all began eating except Oscar, thinking of Artemis, Mina looked at Oscar and said "Chomp.. BISCH : Ba-chewey-chewey-chomp. Me bad? Hey Oscar, why don't you eat?" Oscar replied looking at Artemis's food BRET: That dead fieldmouse looks so good... "I'm not eating until Artemis gets back" suddenly, Oscar felt something flash trough his mind, that said "O-Oscar!! AHHH!", BISCH [turning an interesting shade of green]: So Oscar has a profound emotional bond with the cat. ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! got off the chair, and with a scared look on his face, said "NO! ARTEMIS" he runned like mad, worried sick about Artemis, "OH NO!! I HOPE HE'S ALL RIGHT!" he kept running scared like hell. STEVE: When the hell did we go to King of the Hill? PAGE:Itellyouwhatdemersailormoonrunnedfromqueenberyltilltuxedomaskshowed uptalkinlovelikearedrosewoooo! He finally got to the stadium and looked horrorized BRET: 'cause he'd been hyp-mo-tized! as he saw Mcmahon beaten up, [Glorious lights shine down on the theater. Looks of profound joy light the guys' faces. ALL cheer wildly] and Artemis laying there over a puddle of blood, emanating from his head! BISCH: Guys, I think a small animal just got killed. BRET: WHO CARES?! Vince got his ass kicked! [proceeds to laugh madly and point at Vince's suffering] STEVE: Besides, if the cat's dead that means Oscar can't abuse him any more! BISCH: Good point! Now I can feel good about not caring. "AGGHHHH! A-ARTEMIS!! NO, NO THIS CAN'T BE! ARTEMIS" He said desesperately, PAGE: Desesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesesperately? as he grabbed Artemis and shaked him, BRET: Be sure to jostle his spine as much as possible, Oscar. to see if he was still alive. Oscar seeing that Artemis didn't responded, said "He's dead.... THEY MURDERED HIM!!!!" BISCH : YOU BASTARDS!!! Mcmahon weakly got up, and said "S-Some monster enetered the room and took that rare crystal... with him! That cat tryed to stop him, but he killed him" PAGE : I decided to keep the security guys the hell out of it. Didn't think we'd need the cops or anything either. Everyone arrived to the stadium, and saw the horrible scene. BRET: They immediately demanded massive pay raises in return for being in it. "What happened here!?" Chris asked, a little worried. BISCH : I think something might be wrong with your cat, man. Mcmahon again said "A monster came from that window, took that rare silver crystal and killed Artemis STEVE : Yeah, a monster! That's the ticket! It certainly wasn't say, a fifty-something announcing personage... They all gasped in horror. PAGE: Well, everyone has that reaction when they meet Vince the first time. Mina looked at Oscar, still holding Artemis's corpse BRET : The cat's dead, you sicko! Can't you leave him alone *now*? "A-Artemis!! Nooo" Oscar looked furious. "I WON'T FORGIVE THE ONE THAT DID THIS!! I WON'T FORGIVE HIIIIM!!!!!" BISCH : KAAAAAAAAHN!! STEVE : STEEEEEELLLAAAA!! BRET : PAAAAAAAAAGE! WHAT ABOUT ME PAAAAAAAAAAGE!!! [PAGE suddenly kidney-punches BRET] PAGE: STOP WHINING, YOU BAS--...Aw geez, I'm sorry! It's just that you did that so well... He yelled, as he +cryed... Narrator: "NO one, expected something so horrible..... BISCH: Well, no one except those who were smarter than your average houseplant. who's this monster that murdered Artemis?...." STEVE: I think it was a bitter Escaflowne fan who was tired of a certain badly written and drawn series getting all the attention. BRET: I bet Shawn Michaels was somehow involved in this. PAGE: Mercy killing. I think Mina hired someone. TO BE CONTINUED BISCH: I think I know who did it. C'mon, let's go. STEVE: Yeah, I've got a promise to live up to. [1-2-3-4-5-6] [SoN. BISCH, PAGE, and BRET are present, all looking fairly happy and well adjusted] PAGE: See, I think this Oscar guy is proof of why everyone should know that wrestling is fake. BRET: Well, I know for a fact that none of his other stories have wrestling, so we won't have to read 'em. BISCH: Yeah, but could imagine what would happen if some mad scientist got a hold of some Oscar stories and forced some poor bastard to read them? He'd crack! PAGE: Only if he had to sit through them by himself. BRET: Speaking of which, does anyone know where Steve went? [BISCH shrugs his shoulders. And then...] MAGIC VOICE: Soliloquy sign in fifteen seconds. Oh, and the Original King of Swing is calling. PAGE: What? [BISCH confusedly hits light] [Titan 13. Vince McMahon is wearing a certain silvery crystal around his neck. X-PAC is in the background, screaming. A complicated electrical device is connected to his head.] VINCE: Oh, hello, guinea pigs! I'm just giving Mr. Waltman over there his punishment. [SoN] BRET: What are you doing to him? [Titan 13] VINCE: I'm wiring the Degeneration X introductory video directly into his brain. That should make him more than happy to *finish* the fanfics I have him screen. [SoN. All present shudder in horror.] MAGIC VOICE: Soliloquy sign in five seconds. BISCH: Um, Vince, do you have any idea what's up with that? [Titan 13] VINCE: No, I didn't install that... [SoN] MAGIC VOICE: Soliloquy sign now. [The SoN lights flicker and then the eerie sound of electrical distortion mysteriously appears. The guys look around in confusion. Then the Viewscreen irises open revealing a scrawny looking young teenager typing diligently at a computer in what must be his room.] OSCAR: "So Oscar putted his..." [looks around as he hears distortion effect] OSCAR: What -- ? [Then, a childlike voice speaks through the Satellite's speakers] VOICE: When a young boy's heart is full of perversions, it burns up, dies... and a dark shadow falls. From the ashes of a diseased mind has risen a curse, a horrible fanfiction series that must be stopped. The battle between good taste and evil has begun. We look to the skies for a vindicator, someone to strike fear into the black heart of the same boy whose story tormented him. Against the shadow comes a dark warrior, the purveyor of good, with a voice of sarcasm and a mission of justice. This is STING! [At this point, STEVE walks into Oscar's room in full ring gear (face paint, overcoat, ballbat the works). He begins viciously beating on Oscar's computer. Sparks fly out of it as the machine is literally beaten topieces] OSCAR: NOOOOO!! NOW+I'LL NEVER FINISH SAILORMOON Z! [STEVE (or should I say, STING) points his bat at OSCAR. OSCAR screams and turns towards the viewscreen, as if to run away. STING grabs OSCAR's head and pulls it underneath his arm. OSCAR flails and screams, but it's too late: STING applies his fearsome finishing move, the Scorpion Deathdrop. We hear Oscar and moan softly as he twitches helplessly on the floor. Then STING walks off the Hexfield's viewing area, stage right.] [Then STEVE walks on to the Satellite's bridge, stage left.] BRET [stunned]: 'Purveyor'? PAGE: YEEAAAH!! BISCH: I'm... I'm proud of you, Steve. Now no one will ever have to read Oscar again! STEVE: I consider it my gift to humanity. And I *did* warn him. BRET: '*Purveyor*'? What the hell kind of heroic, dramatic description is *purveyor*? STEVE: The kind that puts you over with WCW crowds. Jealous? BISCH: Just out of curiosity, though, how did you get off the Satellite? See, we could use that to get home and all... STEVE: You know, Eric, wrestling is fake. You should really just relax. PAGE: Whaddaya think, Vince? [Titan 13. VINCE is angry and mildly frustrated.] VINCE: Don't be so smug, Pitbulls. I nearly had you with Oscar, and don't think I can't find something just as bad! Not as disgusting, of course, but just as bad. *Especially* with my nice new universally powerful toy! So until next time, ma-- [Suddenly, cheesily heroic music blares. A leggy, blonde girl in a short skirt leaps into Titan 13 and strikes a heroic pose.] GIRL: I want my crystal back! In the name of the moon, I will punish you! VINCE: Christ, that's the third time this week! [Crystal exudes a hellish power aura. VINCE's eyes glow red.] You'll have to excuse me. [VINCE hits the button] PWOOSH!!