[WARNING(this only applies to the TVAM version):There are a LOT of wrestling jokes in this MiSTing, so if you don't have at least a passing familiarity with the sport then you may want to back out now and read Chris Golden's excellent MiSTing of this same story. However, if you've already read Mr.Golden's MiSTing, then go ahead and read mine. There's probably nothing good on TV anyway.] Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, post 101: Sailor Moon vs.The WWF! MiSTing by Lynxara In the not-too-distant future Next Monday, A.D. There was a guy named Eric Really different from you or me 'Cause he ran World Championship Wrestling! Home of stars like Lex and Sting! But he made some enemies along the way... And they came up with a plan to MAKE HIM PAY!! "We'll send him stupid postings! The worst we can find! (La-la-la) He'll have to sit and read them all And we'll monitor his mind!" (La-la-la) So keep in mind Bisch can't control When the postings begin or end. He'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his wrestler friends! WRESTLER ROLL CALL! STEVE! (The Stinger!) BRET! (He's Canadian!) PAGE! (Feel the noise!) BIIIIISCHOFF! (I'm in charge!) So if you're wondering how they eat or breathe And other science facts (La-la-la!) Just repeat to yourself "Wrestling is fake! I should really just relax!" FOR MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000! Guitar twang, and... [Open on the Satellite of Nitro bridge. BRET is there with various flow charts and a blackboard covered with complicated looking mathematical equations. STEVE, PAGE (with trademark brewski in hand), and BISCH are looking on] BISCH:Oh, hi there! Welcome to the Satellite of Nitro. I'm Eric Bischoff, and as always these are my good friends and cash cow-, er, *EMPLOYEES* Bret Hart, Page Faulkenberg, and Steve Borden. We got word that this week's experiment involves something called 'Sailor Moon, so Bret is giving us a crash course in it. BRET:Yep. So, did everyone watch all the tapes I gave them? BISCH: Yes! PAGE:Uh-huh. STEVE: Ummm... BRET: You didn't, did you, Steve? STEVE: No, but I read one of those Mixxzine thingies you gave me. I liked it. BRET: Good. Then can you tell me what a Moon Frisbee is? STEVE: Ah... um... well, actually all I read was the story with the little alien that lived in the guy's hand. *That* was pretty good. [dead silence] Listen, I just don't go in for pink frilly girly chick stories, okay?! BRET: See me after class, Steve. So does anyone who *did* do their assignment have any questions? [BISCH and PAGE both raise their hands, BISCH very enthusiastically and PAGE lethargically] BRET: Page? PAGE: Yeah. On the show, why don't they show any of the *good parts* during the chicks' naked transformation scenes? BRET: Because it's a show aimed primarily at 5-to-12 year old girls. Next? [Once again, PAGE and BISCH raise their hands. BISCH is almost bouncing up and down with enthusiasm.] BRET: Page? PAGE: Then what's the deal with the super close-up of Jupiter's ass in her transformation? BRET: Umm... PAGE: And all the lesbian innuendo between Uranus and Neptune? BRET: Ah... well, you see... PAGE: And what about that 'I'll punish you in high heels' line from the comic? This whole Sailor Moon thing is really just a perverse Buttafuoccoian fantasy, isn't it? [COMMERCIAL SIGN light flashes] BRET [relieved]: Oh look! It's commercial sign! [hits button] [1-800-YES-BOOBS! Yes, that's 1-800-YES-BOOBS! You don't care what we're selling! Just call 1-800-YES-BOOBS NOW!!] [SoN bridge. BISCH is wildly gesticulating in his attempts to get BRET's attention.] PAGE: And what the hell does 'Sparkling Wide Pressure' mean, anyway? BRET: Page, that's like trying to explain why it was called 'Bubblegum Crisis'. It's just one of those great mysteries that mankind was never meant to understand. PAGE: Great mystery, my ass! BISCH: But I've got real questions, dammit!! What's this Silver Millennium thing? How does that crystal work? Why do the Soldiers get superpowers when Sailor Moon just gets weapons? What do the girls' last names mean? Just how old IS Tuxedo Mask, anyway? What -- BRET: Those are all very good questions, but I'm afraid that I can't answer them. Steve, the Fabulous Freebirds are calling. [STEVE hits the Mads' light] [Titan 13. X-PAC and TV's VINCE are standing in front of the monitor.] VINCE: Greetings, Von Erichs! I'm glad that you're giving yourselves some Sailor Moon training- it'll make the experiment hurt that much more. X-PAC: Yeah, so get to your Gimmick Exchange! [SoN. All of the stuff from earlier is cleared away. In its place is a rather crude-looking fake black bird taped to a perch in a gilded cage] BISCH: Well, our Gimmick this week is based on one of my wrestlers. We call it the Raven Raven. BRET: Everyone knows that the best part of Raven's faux-alternative gimmick is his great interviews. His distinctive diction and posture have warmed the hearts of marks everywhere. PAGE: So, God help us, we made a take-home version. STEVE: Yeah! The Raven Raven is programmed to respond to any audiovisual stimulus in the exact same way that Raven would. For instance, take this book-on-tape version of Herman Wouk's 'The Winds of War'. [STEVE presses the play button on a mysteriously convenient tape player] TAPE: 'A low sun broke out under the gray clouds, and the car cast an elongated shadow when Grobke stopped near the entrance gate at a dry dock where a U-boat rested on blocks. From one side of the dock a gangway with rails, and from the other a precarious long plank, slanted down to the submarine's deck. BISCH: And now just hit this button to see what the Raven Raven has to say! [hits small button on the cage] RAVEN RAVEN: Shadows. I have spent my entire life in the shadows, trapped in barbed wire cities. There was no sun, no light there. Only my pain, and the desolate gray clouds of my soul. Quote the Raven, nevermore. STEVE: And it'll work with anything! Bret? [BRET wheels a television with a VCR out.] BRET: This is a taped episode of Full House. Don't worry, we'll only show a few minutes of it. [Bret pops in tape. All avert their eyes as the Olsen Twins frolic. After a few minutes, BRET hits the stop button.] BRET: And now we see what the Raven Raven thinks! RAVEN RAVEN: I see their joy, and I am sickened. I had nothing in my childhood, only the pain and loneliness of knowing that I was hated by my peers, despised by those who should have been my friends. I could not understand the reason at the time, but now I know it too well. They feared me, because I was different. Because the neglect I suffered at my father's hands made me into a twisted freak. But soon, I will inflict the pain I have suffered on all those around me. For you, there will be no joy, only the Evenflow. Quote the Raven, nevermore. [Titan 13] X-PAC: So, is that all it does? It just whines? [SoN] PAGE: Well, it is programmed to act just like Raven. BISCH: Actually, I think we did give it another setting. STEVE: Yeah, the Slacker Overdrive. I think it's right here. [Reaches underneath cage and begins fiddling with something] [Titan 13] X-PAC: Nice try, but we've got a Gimmick worked up that'll make your little birdie s*ck it! VINCE: As you all know, I've been trying to infect the world with evil through professional wrestling for quite some time now. There was my creation of stars out of talentless stiffs like Hogan and Warrior, and then my promotion of wrestling's own drug and alcohol crazed Rat Pack, the KLIQ. But by far, my greatest triumph in the promotion of evil has been Stone Cold Steve Austin. Yes, this anti-role model has inspired ignorant rednecks and boorish social outcasts everywhere to follow in his footsteps. X-PAC: So we've decided to expand Stone Cold's influence over your little ones with this -- [pulls out a fancifully illustrated children's book] -- 'The Stone Cold ABC's'! VINCE: Soon, tykes around the nation will know all the useful words that their mommies and daddies are too afraid to teach them. X-PAC: It goes all the way from 'A is for Ass' to 'Z doesn't stand for anything and that's the bottom line 'cause Stone Cold said so'! VINCE: And it hits all the important lessons in between, like 'B is for birdie, but not THAT kind' and 'S is for Stunner'. So what do you think, marks? [SoN. All are standing with their hands over their ears, grimacing. The RAVEN RAVEN is screaming 'WHAT ABOUT RAVEN? WHAT ABOUT ME?' endlessly] BISCH: WHAT? [Titan 13] VINCE: I said, WHAT DO YOU THINK, MARKS? [SoN. The RAVEN RAVEN's unholy din continues. PAGE and BRET have begun beating on it with chairs, to no avail] BISCH: HUH? THE SLACKER OVERDRIVE IS STUCK! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU! [Titan 13] VINCE: Well, I'm tempted to just leave you with that pain, but... X-PAC: This week's experiment is too good! It's a literary crotch chop called 'Sailor Moon vs. The WWF', by none other than one of fanfiction's sickest little monkeys -- self described hermaphrodite and 'catlover' Oscar! [SoN. The RAVEN RAVEN lies silent, a pile of busted parts. STEVE stands triumphantly over it, a polo mallet in hand.] STEVE: I *knew* it had to have a weakness. BISCH: Wait a minute! A story by *Oscar*? The guy who wrote 'Artemis's Lover?' PAGE: What? BISCH: It's a story about how the author screws a cat. BRET: Oh, Gawd... [Titan 13] VINCE: Enjoy... or don't! Muahahahahaha! [X-PAC gives them a round of crotch chops as VINCE hits the button] [SoN] BISCH: We've got fanfic SIIIIIIGN! [Much panicking and running about as the guys head for the theater.] [6-5-4-3-2-1...] [The guys enter their theaters and take their seats (from left-to-right: STEVE, BRET, BISCH, and PAGE)] SailorMoon Z Serie 1 PAGE: Dear God... this guy misspelled *'series'*. STEVE: Prepare for some pain, guys. SailorMoon VS WWF!!!! BRET: Good! Somebody needs to triumph over THAT evil. By Oscar "Artemis's Lover" Author notes: THIS IS NOT INVOLVED WITH THE FIRST "AR" SERIES MADE BY STEVE: Scotty Riggs, apparently. BISCH: Well, you know how those alternative kids nowadays LOVE pirates... STRIKE-FISS & HOOZE ALL: FIRST BASE!! OK? WELL EXEPT FOR THE APPAREANCE OF CHRIS (STRIKE-FISS) OK. BRET: So is everything OK? STEVE: I *think* so. BRET: OK. THEN!!! GET READY FOR THE, BLOODIEST, ROUGHEST, CREEPIEST, MOST- AMAZING MATCH!!! IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!! PAGE: Dusty Rhodes vs. Paul Bearer! Naked! In a tub of lime Jell-O! [All others scream in horror] BISCH: If you EVER do that again, I *swear* I'll job you to Glacier! THANKS TO STRIKE-FISS! BRET: How do you pronounce that? Strike Fizz? STEVE: Yeah! Y'know, the angry carbonated avenger. MY BUDDY FROM THE 31st CENTURY THAT GAVE ME THIS WONDERFUL IDEA!!! BISCH: ...and who'll be getting a 'package' from us VERY soon. BRET: I refuse to believe that an idea like this came from a mind produced by a civilization a thousand years more advanced than ours. STEVE: I bet Ron Simmons still can't get a title shot then. AND NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!!! SailorMoon VS WWF!! Serena, unlike most girls, was watching "Monday night RAW" BISCH: I never quite pictured Sailor Moon as a Stone Cold fan. PAGE: She probably goes for Sable. [All others stare at him] PAGE: What? and was over her bed, BRET: ...floating, with her pillow, treating it like if it was a wrestler. STEVE: So she was throwing full cups of soda at it? Luna was very down thinking "A GEEZ! Why? Why me? This monster!" She was over the tv, BISCH: ...floating, safe from Serena's wrestling fantasies. PAGE: See? Sable. Oscar was watching the fight at his house with Artemis, "YES! C'mon Bret, kick his ass!!" he said as he grabbed his pillow and began throwing it across the room, PAGE: That's nice. What the HELL does that have to do with anything?! Artemis had a BIG tear drop on his head, thinking "Looks like Oscar has lost it." The fight was between Bret "hitman" Hart All: YEAH!! VS Savio Vega. STEVE: Who? BISCH: Oh, he's one of the WWF's Mexican jobbers. BRET: He's *Puerto Rican*, Eric. Serena meanwhile, began imitating Savio Vega over her bed, PAGE: ...floating, stomping on the pillow, and wrestling with it. BRET: Unfortunately, Serena wasn't very good, so the pillow had to carry the match. STEVE: I know the feeling. Luna yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU SERENA?!!" BISCH : That's the worst neckbreaker I've ever seen! And don't even get me STARTED on your dropkicks! Serena stopped instantly, and looked the very furious Luna, BRET: 'the very furious Luna'? As in... a pissed-off Luna Vachon? PAGE: RUN, CAT! RUN!! "What do you mean by that?" Serena said, as she went over BISCH: ...the TOP ROPE... with Luna. Luna replied "HOW CAN YOU BE DOING THIS? IMITATING THIS KIND OF CRAP?!!" STEVE: HEY!! PAGE: Let's see YOU stay in the ring with me for five minutes, cat! Serena went wide eyed, BRET: Wrestling is *fake*? and said evily BISCH: Knievely! "Uh-hu...." she then grabbed Luna and prepared her for a TOMBSTONE piledriver, BRET: Oh, nothing to worry about, then. STEVE: Yeah, that's a bit like threatening to Rack somebody. Luna almost got wet PAGE: What? Was she slammin' the cat into a pool? BISCH: Y'know, any meaning that phrase could have is just plain wrong. and yelled "SERENA!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!!!" STEVE: A tombstone, stupid. Can't you read? PAGE: Well, she IS a cat... Serena replied "I'll show you what kind of crap the WWF is known for!" BRET: Yeah! She'll make you wrestle Yokozuna for the title at an unannounced match at King of the Ring! BISCH: She'll slap a crescent moon on another cat's head and call IT Luna! PAGE: She'll put on a turkey costume and call herself the Gobbledegooker! STEVE: She'll make you job to your archenemy at your big debut match! No, wait. WE did that. [glares at Bisch] BISCH: Look, I *said* I was sorry... Luna began crying and yelled "OKAAAAAYYYY!!! BISCH:: and Luna has SUBMITTED to the MOON PRISM POWERLOCK!! It's ALL OVER!! I BELIEVE YOU, DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!" Serena laughed, as she saw Luna totally freaked out. BRET: Yes, Sailor Moon enjoys the fear and suffering of others. "A ha ha ha! You thought I was gonna piledrive you, didn't ya?" Luna looked at her, still scared from that manuever "SHUT UP!" STEVE: So did Luna tell Serena to shut up, or did Serena tell Luna to shut up, or... PAGE: I wish the whole damn story would just shut up. Serena then looked at the TV and gasped, as Savio Vega was being submited by the SHARPSHOOTER, "OH CRAP!!" she said as Savio Vega quited!. PAGE: What, she's surprised? Brad Armstrong could get a win over Savio Vega! Oscar meanwhile began jumping up and down, in joy, as his favorite wrestler won "Yeah!!! Bret rules!!" BRET: Hey, maybe this Oscar guy isn't so bad after all. BISCH: Oh, he's just trying to suck up. Artemis sighed as he tought "Great! it's over" STEVE : Now it's time for Silk Stalkings! But Oscar Grabbed him and hugged him, a little tighter than usual, and Artemis began sofocating BISCH: Ooh, death by sofa! "O-Oscar (cough) release me...!" BRET : I tapped out, for Chrissakes! he said trying to get off Oscar's arms. "Oops! Sorry Artemis, i didn't expected to squeeze you!" he said as he looked Artemis. PAGE: So he wanted to *hug* his cat, but had no idea doing so would *squeeze* the cat... Serena a little exhausted, said "AHUUUMM! i'm soo tired, aw sleep.... snort" Luna also sighed "Well... it's over, well until next Monday..." BISCH: Well, except for Thunder and Livewire and Saturday Night and Shotgun and Pro and Worldwide and Superstars. The next day Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita, Mina & Oscar, where going to school, Luna was on the- shoulder of Amy, and Artemis on (yeah, you guessed) ALL: NO WE DIDN'T!! Oscar's shoulder. Serena was still yawning "AAAHUUUMMM.... Being a Sailor scout and a student it's not an easy job!" Luna heard her and said "Yeah right! You're still sleepy, cuz yesterday you were imitating WWF wrestlers" PAGE: Yeah, she pretended to be Scott Hall and got *completely* smashed. BISCH: PAGE! everybody laughed at Serena except Oscar, cuz Artemis looked at him with and evil smile, and Oscar blushed. suddenly Serena yelled "AHHH!! THE WWF IS COMING TO TOKYO!!" STEVE : I'll have to watch KANE wrestle! Ewwww! she said, as she saw a bulletin on a wall. "Oh c'mon Serena, you can't go! remember that you're still a princess, BISCH : She's the princess of the Uuuu-ni-verse! and.... mmmmmmfff!" said Luna, but Serena shutted Luna's mouth. PAGE: With a hard right hook, I hope. everyone else continued their path BRET : In the ciiiiircle of life! and left Serena alone on that street, She then realized she was alone BISCH: She's not too bright, is she? PAGE: Well, you can't have characters smarter than the author, so... "Huh? Whwre's everybody?" then, she looked at her wrist watch and exalted as she saw the time STEVE: Damn. That must be a *really* good watch. "OH MY!!! I'M GONNA BE LATE AGAIN!! THERE SHOULD BE A RECORD FOR THIS KINDA THINGS!" and ran like hell. Mrs. Haruna was saying "Serena Tsukino?, now where's she?" Serena came running down the hall, and into the classroom, BRET: Lacking enough space to stop, she inadvertently ran through a window and plummeted to her death. The End. BISCH: Bret, do you really *need* to be that dark? "PRESENT Mrs. HARUNA" she said as she entered the classrom. STEVE: Class-space knight! she then sitted down on her chair and began thinking "AHH, how nice it would be if I could participate in a WWF match" PAGE : I could blade, and get thrown off a ladder, and get locked in a dumpster, and... STEVE: Uh-oh. Guys, that looked disturbingly like a plot point. BRET: Oh, come on, Steve! Not even a semi-literate dork like Oscar would be dumb enough to use an idea as stupid as the Sailors *wrestling*. Oscar'll probably just have some WWF guys get possessed by the Dark Kingdom. BISCH: Aren't they already? and began daydreaming (again) she was dreaming PAGE: And when that happens, you KNOW that you're boring. about that she was on "WWF Livewire" taking on the beast from the east BAM-BAM BRET: ...Rubble? BISCH: Hey, did you see the way he was built when he was a teenager? He'd be really good! BIGELOW, with comentarist Jerry "the king" Lawler and Vince McMahon. STEVE: 'Comentarist'? That's an incorrect term that grossly misspelled AND in the wrong number. PAGE: Wow. McMahon exlpained BRET: McMahon's commentary pains me, too. the match "And here we go, look at Sailormoon, taunting," PAGE: ...Bigelow with her trim thighs, and tantalizing glimpses of what lay beyond... BISCH: PAGE! lawler "she sure is, this is the second chick that we have here at the WWF besides Luna Vachon of course" STEVE: No she isn't! What about Marlena and Sable and Sunny and Chy-- well, forget Chyna. Mcmahon "Bigelow to the buckle, [ALL giggle] and sailormoon with a series of slaps, [ALL laugh] oh my goodness will you look at that! she just belly-to-belly Bigelow!!" [ALL completely laughing their asses off at this point] BRET: This is like watching Rey Mysterio jr. powerbomb the Giant! BISCH: I certainly hope that belly-to-belly was a suplex. lawler "The bottom of the ring almost collapsed Mcmahon!" BRET: So close and yet so far... Mcmahon "And sailormoon, to the 2nd rope, PAGE: Okay, guys like *Hogan* may have an excuse for not going all the way... but if Sailor Moon can't make it to the third rope, then she just sucks! BISCH: PAGE! AAANNNNDDD crunch the elbow! [ALL start laughing again] we have a count! 1-------2------". PAGE: That's a really slow count. STEVE: Yeah, just like a certain so-called *fast count* at a certain Pay-Per-View... BISCH: I *said* I was sorry! But just before the 3 count Mrs. Haruna woke Serena up, "SERENAAAA!!!" she yelled at her. Serena woke up, upset and yelled at Haruna PAGE : BACK OFF, BITCH! "C'mon referi that was the 3rd!!!" STEVE: 'Referi'? BRET: Yeah. It's French for "pudgy guy in stripes who stands in the ring and works in collusion with your boss TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU SPENT THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WORKING FOR!' [Breaks down in tears] BISCH: Bret, you really need to get over this. BRET [sniffling]: I know, I know... she then realized that she was yelling at her own teacher!!! Mrs. Haruna looked at Serena straight in her eyes, and said PAGE : WHY DON'T YOU BACK OFF, BITCH! "Go directly to the principal's office!!" Serena, going down the hall cryed, "Why? buaaaa, this is the first time, snif, that i go to the principal's office," STEVE: So we're supposed to believe that a girl who, as I understand it, makes straight D's, sleeps in class, is always late, and disappears from school frequently for no good reason has NEVER been to the principal's office?! I thought Japanese schools were STRICT! BISCH: You do realize that the more you question the story, the more it hurts. but when she arrived, something unbelivable happened!! Amy was in the principal's office!! Serena tought "WHAT!!!??? IT CAN'T BE! AMY HERE?" she was blue around the nose... PAGE: That's nice. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! BRET: Don't look at me. *I* don't even get that one. STEVE: Maybe she has a really weird cold. Amy then came out from the office, and Serena began asking with a evil voice "Sooooo, Amy what did you do? C'mon tell me" Amy blushed.. "Well, it's because i was masturbating myself.... [stunned silence, and then...] ALL [visibly recoiling from the screen]: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! BRET: DAMN YOU, OSCAR!! DAMN YOU *STRAIGHT* TO *HELL*! STEVE: That's just... I mean, it's so... BISCH: It's wrong AND it's horrifically out of character. PAGE: Yeah, I thought Venus would be more the type to... BISCH: PAGE! and just that!" (What a DORK) BRET: Yes, Oscar is a dork! If I ever find him, I'm going to lock him in a room with Raven for a week so he can know even a fraction OF THE PAIN HE'S PUT US THROUGH!! [weeps] STEVE: Bret ran out of Prozac, didn't he? BISCH: Yeah. Serena was astounded when she heared that "WHAT!?! BRET : What the hell kind of stupid, perverse plot device is THAT?! You masturbating?!! unveliable!! What's next? Raye being nice to me?" Amy blushed as she felt a little drop of cum flowing down her tigh, ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! PAGE: Okay, this is starting to disgust ME. BRET [sobbing]: Why, God? Why? BISCH: Don't let Vince win! I know it's hard, but we have to fight! Somebody, do a riff fast! STEVE: [slowly, painfully, like Superman affected by Kryptonite]: her Ty Cobbs? [ALL laugh weakly] BISCH: See? C'mon, we can take this fanfic! Serena went inside the principal's office and.... well you know what happened then. PAGE: I'm not sure if I should scream at that or not. BRET [weakly]: I don't care anymore. I'm just glad that crappy scene is over. Later, in the way home, STEVE: They ARE the road. Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita, Mina & Oscar, were swaping school gossip and stuff like that. When Amy said "Well i got suspended, for 1 day" everyone went wide-eye and turned to Amy, Amy a little embarrassed replied the action PAGE: This can't be English. Oscar had to've written it in some kind of Pidgin dialect. "What's wrong? like you haven't been suspended in your life... hmpf!" BISCH : Yes, but unlike YOU, *we* can control ourselves until we get home. they all ignored Amy, and continued their path, BRET : in the ciiiiircle of life! Mina then asked Artemis "Soo, Artemis how's life with Oscar?" STEVE: INCOMING!! BRET: Oh no no no no no no no no no... Artemis, on the shoulder of Oscar replied "Well, it's a little more pleasant than with you Mina, especially at night..." ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! Oscar had a BIG drop of sweat in the back of his head, PAGE: ...instead of a brain? I'll believe that. Mina thought "Hmmm, i better not get involved with this" STEVE: Smart girl. Raye said to Lita "And how many guys did you beated, PAGE: That's an awfully personal question. BISCH: PAGE! I mean talked to this time?" Lita then frowned "Hmmm... what do you mean by that?" BRET: Y'know, there's slow, and then there's SLOW. Raye looked a little scared STEVE: The way Chyna looks a little masculine. "You know, what I mean" Lita had a big cartoon mallet on her hand, and hitted Raye over on her head. POING! BRET: Maybe this is some kind of metaphoric commentary on the prevalence of hardcore violence in the wrestling industry today. STEVE: Or it could be a metaphor for wrestling itself. PAGE: Or Oscar could just be a dumbass. everyone looked at those 2 with this smile- ^_^ STEVE: While I looked on the whole story with this gesture. [does something with his middle finger that would make Steve Austin proud] BISCH: I'd yell at you, but I can't really disagree... and BIG tear drops over their heads. Now, when they came into a certain street BRET: Because they ARE the road. Lita said to the others "Well, i live here, BYE everyone" and the others replied "BYE LITA!", And so Amy then parted to, the next one was Serena & Luna. PAGE: They would be the next to die. And finally Raye, Mina, Oscar & Artemis, where walking their way home. Oscar asked Mina "Sooo, how does it feel to be a video game model?" Mina looked a little upset "Ohh man! You're the 1000 guy who asks me that! BISCH : I counted every single one. I soooo hate being a celebrity... Can't you guys think of anything else?!" Oscar shrugged and replied under his breath "Well, sex" STEVE: In your case, Oscar? I don't doubt it. Mina heared a little BRET : Yup, Mina heared REEL GUUD. and yelled at Oscar "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!! WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT OSCAR?!!" Oscar looked at Mina and said, "NAHA!! NOT ON YOUR LIFE! HE!" STEVE: --MAN, AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!! With this face :P Mina went mad "JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!" Oscar began running saying "NAH NAH! PAGE: Nah nah nah nah? BISCH: Hey, hey, hey? BRET: Goodbye? YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!!" Artemis fell from Oscar's shoulder, BISCH: I see the laws of physics finally kicked in. and climbed to Raye's shoulder. "I GOT YOU NOW! HIAAA!" Mina said as she grabbed Oscar's shirt. "OH CRAP!" Oscar said, while Mina grabbed him ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! "NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID!" Oscar looked scared and weakly said "S-sex" Mina slapped Oscar 1-2-3 STEVE: Whoa! Did that say what I think it said? PAGE: 'Mina slapped Oscar 1-2-3'. MINA SLAPPED OSCAR! [ALL rise from their seats, cheering and applauding] "You jerk! hmpf" ALL: MI-NA! MI-NA! MI-NA! Oscar laid beated up, [ALL point and laugh at Oscar's suffering] with his eyes like swirls. [ALL sit down] BRET: Cinnamon swirls? He eventually got up, following those 2. Mina went home and so did Raye. Oscar and Artemis arrived home, and they prepared to eat. STEVE: They did some calisthenics, followed by some stretches and some T'ai Chi. >That night, a chubby figure left something on everyone's mailbox, an envelope. BISCH: Santa's returning his mail! PAGE: A chubby figure? Hey, it's Raven! BRET: C'mon, let's get out of here. [ALL exeunt] [SoN bridge. The place is decked out for a party, with balloons, streamers, etc. A big banner in the back proudly says 'MINA SLAPPED OSCAR!' PAGE has a big keg out. STEVE is attending to a large stereo system that is currently blasting a techno party song (for fanboys n' girls, imagine "Let's Go as Who We Are!" from the Sailor Moon Best CD). Everyone has beer and party food, and everyone looks happy and festive.] [Titan 13. VINCE and X-PAC are staring in blatant confusion.] VINCE: You *said* it was a horrible story. X-PAC: It is! It sucks! VINCE: Then why aren't they groveling before us and begging for mercy right now? X-PAC: I-I... I don't know... VINCE: [hitting button] Listen, marks! I want to know what you have to be so happy about! [Back to SoN. The party is still going strong.] BRET [Yelling over the party din]: MINA SLAPPED OSCAR!! [At this, everyone lets out an extra loud cheer and begins partying harder] [Titan 13] VINCE [glaring bitterly at X-PAC]: 'Mina slapped Oscar'? X-PAC: Well, I uh... I didn't read *all* of the story... VINCE: I'll deal with you later. [turns his attention back to SoN] And as for you, British Bulldogs, eat, drink, and be merry -- because you're getting ready to DIE!! [SoN. The stereo is dead. The lights and buzzers are going off.] BISCH: CHRIST! We've got FANFIC SIIIIIGN! [6-5-4-3-2-1] [ALL enter theater.] BRET: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... PAGE: We're liquored up. We can handle this. Next day, Oscar woke up, trying to open his eyes at the brigth day light. "AAHHUUUUUMM... ALL [Buddhist style]: OOOOOUUUUUUMMMMM... oh man, I hate this window." Oscar went stumbling his way to the front door where he picked up the mail. BISCH : Ed McMahon said I just won TEN MILLION DOLLARS!! BRET: I wonder if Ed's any relation to Vince? BISCH [shudders at the thought] He read all the letters, except one, he looked at the envelope and it had the WWF sign. PAGE [imitating a certain infamous hand sign]: 4-Cash? "OH MY!! Artemis!! come here quick!!" Oscar kept saying that, STEVE: Chanting it over and over in a bizarre, sick mantra. until he went to his bed and looked at Artemis still asleep, "Hey c'mon Artemis, wake up" He said as he shaked him, "OH MA! Let me dream with the nice fishes.... snort" Artemis sleep talked. Oscar, when he heared this had a face like this :\ BISCH: Which, oddly enough, has been my face throughout this entire story. and said softly "Oh Artemis...." ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! tisk tisk..he". Raye was already aware about the letter sent to her, and instead of meditating, she began training, STEVE: PLOT POINT! PLOT POINT! BRET: No! I refuse to believe that something this stupid is happening! jumping from here to there, BISCH: Is that at all like 'hither and yon'? STEVE: More like 'over hill and dale'. lifting weights, and punching her own temple pillar. PAGE: ...shattering every bone in her arm and hand. Mina didn't needed so much training, she was the quickest of all the scouts, and she only needed to increase her strength. Serena on the other half, BRET: So half of three is one. was the one that needed the training badly! She's such a wuss!. PAGE: Somehow, Oscar, I doubt that you have room to talk. Sammy looked at Serena as she tried to increase her fighting abilities, STEVE: Wondering what the *hell* she was doing, because it was *Sailor Moon* who got the letter... PAGE: And how did the WWF know where the Sailors lived? BISCH [sighs]: This is Oscar's world, guys. Here there are no secret identities and emotionally disturbed 13-year-olds can screw cats with impunity. "C'mon Serena, you'll never beat those guys! Ha ha ha!" BRET [wistfully]: If this wasn't an Oscar story, I could believe that. Serena ignored him and continued her training. Lita didn't needed the training so much, cuz she was the strongest. Amy, well she had her own training methods.... STEVE: Oscar's not a big Sailor Mercury fan, is he? BISCH: Neither am I, but you don't see *me* doing this to her... Oscar didn't needed to train, cuz he was only going to manage the scouts. PAGE: And we *all* know that managers *never* get hit in wrestling, right? STEVE [to Bret]: Ha! Pay up! BRET [hands over his ears]: *LA LA LA LA LA! I'M NOT HEARING THIS!* [regular voice] And we never had a bet going! Luna & Artemis where a little concerned, that why would the WWF, wanna make a match between the scouts and those wrestlers? [STEVE gets up and begins triumphantly crotch-chopping BRET] STEVE: Yes! Eat that, Maple-ass! BRET: Siddown, Steve, or I'm gonna have to work out my aggression on your comic book collection. And you *do* realize that you'll have to sit through the match, too. STEVE [sits down]: Who cares? *I* was right. "Well.... at least I won't get beaten up" Artemis said to Luna. BISCH: So who here thinks that Artemis is going to get his ass completely kicked? [ALL raise their hands] Oscar, got to his computer and started writing an e-mail to Chris. PAGE: Hot typing ACTION! BRET: So Oscar can teleport? BISCH: Great. Now Oscar is inserting his friends into his sick little fantasy. That said "HEY MAN! GUESS WHAT? WE'RE GONNA BE ON WWF SUPERSTARS! PAGE [laughs]: That's like being excited about being on Pro. BISCH: Page, what have I *told* you about badmouthing our *fine* WCW programming? Do you *really* want to job to Bobby Eaton? AND RAYE WILL BE THERE.... HEH. STEVE [standing angrily]: Isn't blaspheming Sailor Mercury *enough*? I swear, Oscar, if you do ANYHTING perverse to Sailor Mars, I *will* kick your monkey ass! SO IF YOU CAN, COME WITH US, I CAN GET YOU TICKETS. BRET: But Superstars is a clip show... BYE". Chris, When he got the e-mail, quickly called his agency, PAGE: His ad agency? The unemployment agency? The Environmental Protection Agency? and buyed a plane ticked to Japan, Tokyo BISCH: Not to be confused with Tokyo, Japan. "Wow! This will be great!!" BRET: Who would be *happy* to see *Oscar*? STEVE: I would. [all stare] STEVE [grinning psychotically]: I would beat him SO BAD... [all sigh in relief] Before he left he sent a reply to Oscar, telling him when he'll arrive. BISCH : You will meet me at the crossroads at dawn. You will bring fifty thousand dollars in small, unmarked bills. Meanwhile, at Raye's temple, everyone gathered around. BRET: They were punking Oscar nWo-style. And Raye explained to everyone "Look... if we're gonna beat those wrestlers, we have to train REALLY hard, so I say we fight each other, to see the results of our training... PAGE: So pain equals strength. STEVE: Yeah! When I was training for Starrcade, I just had guys come in and beat on me with big metal poles until I couldn't move. BRET: *That* explains a lot. [STEVE glares at BRET] are you with me!?" Everyone replied a little scared "OK!" Raye said to Oscar "You don't have to do this... BISCH : There's plenty of wonderful Sailor Moon fanfiction out there, Oscar. We don't really *need* your *fine* contributions... why don't you just go home? you're not the one that's gonna fight... stay away.ok?!" [ALL cheer and applaud] PAGE: I'm glad *someone* finally said it. Oscar backed up and said "ok...". "Ready?" Raye said, as she prepared for the fight. Everyone said "YES!"... Raye began, running into Lita and punching her on the stomach, Lita could barely believe how strong Raye became. STEVE: For whenever Raye Hino becomes angry or enraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs... But she countered with an elbow in the face. BRET: Eric, is this what you would call 'good natured brawling'? BISCH: No, this is what you would call 'crap'. Serena kicked Amy in her chest, as Mina attacked her while she was on mid-air. PAGE: ...floating. Amy runned into Mina with a knee to the mid-section, Mina blocked it and tryed to slice Amy, ALL: E-C-W! E-C-W! but she jumped out o sight. BISCH: And it was dyne-o-mite! Raye evaded Lita's kicks punches, and head-butts. STEVE : but she'll never escape THE CHOOOOOKESLAM! Raye went behind Lita, but Lita noticed her and made a back kick. BRET: Meanwhile, Beryl and her Generals were rampaging through Tokyo, sucking out people's vital essences while the Sailors inexplicably beat each other savagely. BOOM right in the belly!. Serena tryed to punch Mina, but Mina grabbed her arm, picked her up, and slammed her into the floor. Amy suddenly gave her best punch and hitted Mina on her face, blood spurted out from Mina's mouth. PAGE: Y'know, this is like watching Hell in the Cell, only it's really evil and wrong. BISCH: Kinda like the catfight scene from "Manos: The Hands of Fate". Serena took advantage of this, and grabbed Amy by her foot, stumbled her, and began crunching her legs. STEVE: ...into small, bite-size pieces just right for soups and salads. BRET: Y'know, when you're preparing for a tag-team match, breaking your partners legs isn't generally something you want to do. Amy kicked Serena trying to release herself. Raye was getting beaten up by Lita, but just before Lita gave her a hook BISCH: Bar none, that has to be the worst Robin Williams movie ever. PAGE: What about 'Toys'? 'Toys' wasn't funny AND it had a plot that only a crack addict or Mentech could've come up with. BISCH: Yeah, but 'Toys' didn't have a John Hughes-inspired kid fight scene. And I *still* can't believe they killed Rufio. Raye ducked and uppercut Lita. She went flying to the floor. Everyone parted, and they went running into each other, BRET: Oddly enough, they all missed. but just before they made contact with each other Oscar showed up and yelled "STOP THIS INSTANT!!!!" BISCH: Don't think that got you any brownie points with *us*, Oscar. PAGE: You're *still* responsible for this crap. >Everyone stopped..... and looked at Oscar. STEVE : Ewww! Who let *him* in? Raye, exhausted said to Oscar "Yes.... I think you're right.... I think we trained enough... BRET : Besides, I can't feel my legs anymore. Now who wants to drive me to the emergency room? let's go home" STEVE [while tapping heels together]: There's no place like home, there's no place like home... BISCH: Somehow, I don't think that's gonna work. Oscar and the others happily said "yeah..." The next day Oscar, woke up to the sound of someone knocking his door, he putted his shorts and his shirt, PAGE [stunned]: So before that, Oscar was naked. ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! >went to the door as he said "Ok. coming, coming". ALL: GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! >He then opened the door, and there was Chris with his suitcases. "Oh Chris!! Sorry, I just got >up and..." He then saw Chris's shoulder and noticed his sword BRET: Okay, so this Chris guy has just been *carrying around* a sword in the middle of one of the largest cities on Earth, and nobody seems to mind. STEVE: Why does he even have a sword? Is he Immortal? PAGE: Maybe he's gonna behead Oscar. BISCH: You *know* Vince wouldn't send us a story THAT good. >"Well, I see you brought your sword" He smiled "Yeah, you know, just in case." STEVE: See? Even Oscar's *friends* want to kick his ass. BRET: Wait a minute... this guy is obviously out to beat Oscar severely, he's such a badass that he can just *carry* a sword around, and he knows enough about Japan and Japanese to find his way around Tokyo. There's only one guy on the face of this Earth who's THAT cool. PAGE: He's CHRIS BENOIT!! [All marvel at the inherent awesomeness of Chris Benoit] CONTINUED...