[Enter Theater] [From L-R: Bret, Joel, X-Pac, HHH, Crow, HBK, Mike, Tom] >> Subject Mike: Jacob Schmidt. Indicted last Thursday for marijuana possession. Suspected of two downtown murders. Bret: Someone's feeling dark today... Mike: Wrestling did it to me! >>AMY JO JOHNSON: "pink whore?" X-Pac: Uh...Guys? Crow: The pink ranger! Yes! She's such a babe...(Begins to purr like a kitten until HHH smacks him) Thanks, I needed that. (Goes back to trying to reattach his arm) >>by TheCrippler HBK: Which is almost a sure guarantee there will be no jokes, no funnies, no ANYTHING that would crack a smile even out of Jim Carey, who happens to think the most mundane of events is hilarious... Bret: That made as much sense as WCW's booking. HBK: I'm tired. Gimmie a break. >>From: Tom(glancing up from his pad and pencil occasionally): t...v...dot...net...Got it! Bret(puzzled): Hey, didn't we use that gag once? >>PINK WHORE? X-Pac: What's wrong with being blue? by: TheCrippler..... HHH: Yes, we've already established this. >>The rangers start the day off like any other day, Joel: Being the ever-awesome crime fighting entities that they are. (Receives many curious glances) What? You can't tell me YOU never watched that show. Crow: No, but at least WE don't have the adult size pajamas... Joel(stunned): You promised not to tell! Mike(grumbling): This is the guy I replaced? What, couldn't they find a janitor to do it instead? >>at the juice bar. Ernie (Bret whimpers; Crow looks curiously at HBK) HBK: Long story. Bret was traumatized a while back because of...well...(Notices Bret's wide, doe eyes staring at him helplessly, and sighs in pity) I won't say. >>owner couldn't pay his monthly bills so he was about to be closed down for business, if the bank forclosed on the bar. X-Pac: But why would you do that when you could get the Power Rangers to beat off the bank guys? I'm sure no one wants to mess with a bunch of spandex-clad teenagers. HHH: Except the Backstreet Boys. X-Pac: Swish! >>So Ernie asked the teenager's if they had any idea's to Joel: Use proper English and spelling. And, of course, they didn't. >>boost up business and kim said "How about turning the juice bar into a strip bar?" Mike: Oh yes, we all know that's the first thing to pop into any girl's mind. When in a bind, bump an' grind! (HBK grabs the arm Crow was trying to reattach, much to his protest, and beats Mike about the head with it) HBK: Don't let the story get to you this soon! You need to keep your head on straight! Mike: Right, right...I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry. (HBK nods and gives the arm back to Crow, who stares ruefully at the tiny dent now in it) >>Ernie said "that's a great idea!" Tom: So..Where's Burt? (Bret whimpers a bit more loudly) >>So the next few days, HHH: We're all left rotting in this damn theater reading nasty Power Rangers fanfic. Oh cruel, cruel fate! >>ernie turn the kids hangout into the most swinggingest gogo bar around. HBK: Cool! I wonder if they have the cages and everything in there, too. >>Tommy ask ernie "so, what's the place gonna be called?" Tom(bitterly): Oh, believe me, I have quite a FEW interesting names... >>ernie replied "The Titty Twister". "Cool name" Tommy replied Joel: Tommy's a crackhead. >>.....Ernie needed some slutty looking dancers to attract customers, so naturally X-Pac: He turned to the Nitro Girls. Bret(looking fearfully to HBK): OUUUCH. HBK(more calmly than expected): You don't really mean that, do you, kid? X-Pac: Sure I do. (HBK launches out of his seat and drags Sean down into the floor with him, unleashing a variety of wrestling moves, to Crow's delight) Crow: Yes! I can get some pointers now! Bret: Hey, that's MY move, you thief! Stop that! >>( he asked Kimberly and Trini(two biggest whores around) (both said "yes!!!!") Mike(puzzled): Do they have no brains? Tom: Apparently not. I think they were in too many wrestling matches! >>(It came opening day!...) HHH: It? Bret: Yeah...You know...It! (Looks down) You two are going to make me spill my popcorn if you don't stop bumping into me, and when I do, I'm not going to be happy. >>(the club filled quickly. about 10 minutes past) Joel: Past...what? Crow: No, no, Joel, that's just an illiterate typo...They mean passed. Joel: Ahhhh. >>(and the crowd was going wild..... yelling) ("Whores, bring on the whores!") Joel, Crow, and Tom: Burn the witch, burn the witch! We will cleanse the earth with fire! HHH: Hey...What's with the parenthesis? Bret: I think it means you're supposed to read it just one line at a time. HHH: Simple instructions for simple minds, I see. Bret: Now you got it! >>(Ernie stepped onto the stage) Mike: Fell THROUGH the stage, died beneath the stage, and we leave the theater happy. >>(and announced the first act "Trini".... ) Tom(Ernie): Trini, for your delight, will now tapdance and juggle three flaming bowling pins while singing We Will Rise Again! Crow: I always knew Ernie was a racist Rebel! >>(Trini hopped onto the stage) Bret(singing lightly to himself): Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail... >>( in the most sexiest outfit she could find ) (a 2 piece thong bikini) HHH(snottily): That's the best she could do? Mike: Well, when the author says "most sexiest", you can't exactly expect a piece of grade A literature, let alone a better outfit. HHH: Very true. (... Trini started to dance to the sound's of latin music) Bret: Even despite the fact she's Asian...(Shawn rolls into his legs, making him spill his popcorn. Enraged, Bret throws the cup to the floor and joins the beating) HHH(looking down, then shrugging and stealing the Twizzlers Bret had been hiding in his seat): You guys just keep...doing whatever it is that you're doing. We'll suffer through the story. >>(.... she gropped her bouncing breast) Tom: If it wasn't so funny, I'd be disgusted right now. >>( and played with her nipple's) Crow: that's possessive, so what... Mike: Crow, please, just...don't. Whatever's on your mind, DON'T say it. Crow: Killjoy. >>(teasing the crowd,) (she placed her hand on her pussy mound and started to run her fingers in and out of the thong bottom.) HHH: How...charming. (Looks down and kicks X-Pac as he goes rolling by) Are you guys almost done? You're not going to get out of this by beating each other unconscious. >>( her juices ran down her fingers, she teased the patrons by running her fingers by their mouths....) Joel: Which was effective until she had her fingers bitten off. Crow: Oh, darn, no more story. Rats. I'd snap if I had an arm to do it. (Glares down at HBK, who had again ripped off his arm to use as a weapon against X-Pac) >>trini grabed up one of the patrons and let him get a private lap dance) Mike: Wasn't there an alien movie of some guy in a strip bar? HHH: What? Mike: Yeah, I think there was! You know, he got a lap dance out of some really pretty girl, who turned out to be an alien in disguise and seeking to enslave all of mankind through private lap dances. Or maybe it was a dream I had. I can never tell them apart now. (HHH stares at Mike worriedly before stuffing a Twizzler into his mouth) >>(... she grounded her tight asian ass into the lap of the man, ) (his cock got hard and was touching her ass) Bret(pulling himself from the foray on the floor and into his chair): And she later sued for sexual harassment. HBK(following his lead): Against who? The bar guy or the author? X-Pac(last one to make it back to his seat, and looking particularly worse for wear): Both. Take out all the dirty bastards, I say! >>( so she grounded harder,) Joel: And, darnit, ground him completely into dust. (Looks at Tom, who's shaking violently) Tom? Buddy, are you alright? (Smoke starts to come from Tom's head, and Joel's eyes widen) Whoa, lil' buddy! Mike, he's overheating! Mike: You don't think... Joel: He couldn't... Crow: He's IS! He's going to rant in a minute! Everyone take cover! (Reaches beneath his seat and pulls out an army hat and pulls it on, then puts his arms over his head) HBK: Hey! Where'd you get that? Crow: I have my resources. >>( as the man started to cum,) ( she reached into his pants and started to suck the man dry,) Mike: It IS that alien movie, I knew it! In a minute, she's gonna suck his brains out, too, and replace them with mindless, subordinate organisms that live only to serve her! >>( this ended trini's show) (All weakly begin to cheer) >>(...... THE CROWD WENT WILD!!!!) HHH: And in the wild rampage, killed the bartender and all his psychotic friends. >>(Ernie hopped onto the stage again) ( and said "let get a around of applause) Bret: So even the speaking characters have literature problems. X-Pac: Well, you know by now that the author's trying to type with one hand... (Joel, panicking, reaches over and covers X-Pac's mouth, but he's too late. Terrified, Crow huddles in his seat, Mike jumps behind his, and Joel tries to crawl beneath his, leaving four puzzled wrestlers by themselves with a still-fuming Tom) HHH: He's gonna blow, cap'n! HBK: Lord help us. >>(for trini!".... the patron yelled "Trini, Trini, Trini") Bret: Patron saint? X-Pac: Patriot? Bret: I always knew Mel Gibson was evil. >>( ..... Ernie quickly announced the next act.... ) X-Pac: He's tryin' to go ahead and get the show over with before the cops bust him, obviously. >>("Here she is, straight out of HBK: Hell! All(Save for the still-fuming Tom, singing): When the night is over, like a bat out of hell, I īll be gone, gone, gone. >>Angel Grove High.........) (Kimberly!!!!!!!") HBK: Not that I care in the least for him, but you think DDP will show up anywhere in this fic and beat the living crap out of these guys and save us the misery of sitting here? >>(The crowd jumped to their feet) ( and yelled "KIM, KIM, KIM!"..... ) HHH(Kim): I'm COMING, just hold on a minute! >>(Kimberly came out on the stage in her cheerleading outfit. ) (Kim started the do cheers for the crowd,) HBK: The...Do cheers? Bret(singing): Oh, Ernie, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Ernie! (Others clap along) Hey Ernie! All(again, not Tom): Oh Ernie, you're so pretty, you don't understand, you take me by the heart when you take me by the hand... >>( "give me an F", "give me an U", "give me an) (C", "give me an K", "give me an M", "give me an E") (.... what does that spell?) ( the crowd "FUCK X-Pac: YOU! HHH: Easy, kid. X-Pac: Sorry if I get hostile. >>ME") (....... out of nowhere two shaddy looking men hopped on the stage) HBK: One would be inclined to assume they were from the audience. That's just a guess, though. (Hears Tom sputter beside him; backs away nervously) >>( and ripped off kim's skirt,) (the two men were) (Bulk and Skull.. Angel Groves School Bullies!..... ) Bret: Are we supposed to care? Joel(from beneath his seat): Yes! >>(Bulk grabbed kim's pussy X-Pac(meekly): Meow...(Yelps when HHH smacks him) I'm sorry, I deserved that. HHH: Don't sink to the fic's level, Sean, fight it! Don't succumb to the dark side! Use the Force, Luke! X-Pac(going into a trance): Use the force, I will. Destroy the evil fic, I must. >>and Skull licked kim's lips with his tongue.... ) Bret: No, we thought it was with his toe. Idiot. >>(Bulk got down on his knee's) HBK: Where Kim kicked him in the face and ran for her life, yes? HHH(lightly scolding): Now Shawn, you know that would be the logical and sensible thing to do. HBK: And? HHH: And that just wouldn't work for the dirty plotline, now would it? (HBK sighs in defeat) >>and started to lick kims pussy. ) (kim by the hair and forced her to suck his cock... this drove the crowd) X-Pac: into a psychotic frenzy, where they promptly tarred and feathered the bastards and dropped them from a boat? >>(wild.... they started throwing money upon the stage.....) HHH: Er....Yeah. >>(Skull pulled kim's head back and looked into her eye's ) HBK: Her eye's what? Iris? Oh yeah, those REALLY turn me on. HHH(warrily): I don't really care WHAT turns you on, Shawn. Sorry. >>(and said "Who's skull's Bitch now you whore?") (Bret looks at X-Pac, who shakes his head and buries his face in the bucket of popcorn clutched tightly in his hands) >>(.... all kim could say was "MMMMM MMMMMM") HHH: Because we all know every woman WANTS to be gang-raped. God, and I thought *I* was clueless about chicks. HBK: Well, you still are...just to a lesser extent. >>(she couldn't talk because of skulls cock in her mouth.) X-Pac(whose face has by this point turned several shades of green): He stuffed a chicken in her throat? Of all the vile and disgusting things... (Crickets chirp in the background; HHH sighs) >>(Bulk who was still eatting kims pussy put his tongue right up into her,) (she started to buck Bulks tongue. ) Bret: And, alas, the tongue just got completely ripped off. Darn. (X-Pac winces) >>(The more she bucked,) (the more money the crowd throwed up on the stage.....) HBK: Throwed? HHH: And the MiSTies are collectively throwing up in their seats... >>(Bulk got up from his postion) (and pulled out the biggest cock him had ever seen,) X-Pac: This implies he had never seen it before? Dude got problems! >>( 15 inches (John Holmes Size).) Bret: Okay, first, I think that's genetically impossible, and two...Who the Hell is John Holmes? >>(He shoved Skull back ) (and drove) X-Pac: to the nearest bridge so he could do humanity a favor and HURL himself from it. >>(his cock right down her mouth..... ) (she gagged tremendously, but soon got used to it's size!.....) HBK: Never mistake "getting used to" for "getting dead"! >>(Skull who's ) HHH: Still the same idiot we just checked in on a couple minutes ago... >>(cock was no (John Holmes Sized), ) (was about 8 1/2 inches long. ) X-Pac: I STILL wanna know who John Holmes is. No, wait...no I don't. Never mind. >>(Skull slid his cock right up Kim's tight pink power asshole....) (Slight chuckling amongst the MiSTies, including Joel's muffled laughter) >>(bulk who ) (was getting his monster cock sucked, ) Bret: Monster Cocks, at your local arena. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! (X-Pac, eyes wide, smacks Bret) X-Pac: Don't give in to the fic! Bret(whimpering): B-But it's...so...horrible.... (looked at Skull) ( said "It's time!" ) HBK: It's Vader Time! >>(Bulk and Skull both rammed kim in and out,) ( while one was shoving their cock in, the other was pulling their cock out (this was a stratagy that the two used before). ) HHH: Experienced rapists, I see. How...quaint. (Calmly turning towards X-Pac) You still have that rope in your room that you used to tie up Bret on his birthday and parade him around the satellite in his Garfield pajamas? X-Pac: Yep. HHH(Mr. Burns): Excellent. X-Pac: But...Hunt...They're characters. You can't tie them up. HHH: They had to have been written by someone, didn't they, kid? X-Pac(gulping): As long as the cops don't suspect me as being an accomplice! >>(Bulk was about to cum in kim's mouth and looked at the crowd) Bret: Rock, Scottie 2 Hottie, or Buh Buh Ray. Take your pick. >>( and said "who wants to see me give this little pink power bitch and cum shower?".....) (the crowd started to yell ) HBK and HHH (Crowd): Die, Bulky, Die! >>("SHOWER, SHOWER, SHOWER"...) X-Pac: You stink. >>( with all of this chanting going on they got what they were yellling for (a cum shower).) Bret: Just incase any of us had such short attention spans. >>(Bulk pulled his cock out of kims mouth) ( and placed his cock head to her lips and let her have it right in the face... ) (cum was every where!) HHH: And THIS is the reason why some people simply deserve to be dragged into the street and ran over REPEATEDLY by a Mack truck. Mike(poking his head above the back of the seat and looking around, then poking Crow): I think it's safe now. Tom's still fuming, but he seems to be in control. (Hops over the back and into his seat again. Bret kicks Joel's feet, who takes the hint and climbs back into his own chair.) (Bulk who was still pumpimg kims ass ) (was about to bust a nut himself. ) X-Pac: Good LORD that sounds painful... >>(He pulled out of her ass and cummed all over her wet pussy.....) Joel: You lied! You said it was safe to come out! (Whimpers; Bret shrugs) >>(Bulk and Skull put there pants back on ) (and walked right off stage ) Mike: Where they plummeted to their untimely but thankful deaths. >>(while being congradulated by the entire room!!!!! ) HBK: Of COURSE they were...And everyone also likes optical acupuncture, too. (part 2: ) X-Pac: When reality is warped SO far out of the continuum, it's no longer even in the same galaxy. HHH: On the next special Fox edition of When Fanfics Attack. ( The Green Stranger!=) Joel: Why is it frightening to think that this person can smile at ANY of this? >>(by: TheCrippler) HHH: However much I might despise him, even *I* can't imagine Benoit sinking to this level. HBK: Yeah, really! I mean, I know he's been whining about not getting a date lately, but c'mon... (With the crowd yelling at the performance of a life time,) Mike: I don't suppose they mean Elvis came back and performed with the Beatles? >>(a strange man dressed in all green appeared on stage) Bret: Okay, it was bad enough when they decided to write a story that served no purpose but to torture two cutesy little kid action heroes. But when they bring in The Jolly Green Giant, they go TOO far! >>(and grabbed kim before she had a chance to leave. ) X-Pac: ...this horrible fic... >>(he slid out his cock ) HHH: Which doubled as a bazooka... (Others groan) HHH: What? You didn't expect me to pass that one up, did you? >>(and begun to savagely rape kim's tight pussy. ) (kim was in tears but the crowd didnt care, ) (Crow glances fearfully at Tom, who's once again starting to shake and smoke) >>(they wanted to see this little pink slut tease get what was coming to her.....) ( a good ole' fashion fucking!!!!) Joel: You know...I never liked the Power Rangers either, but what did they do to this guy to inspire such venomous hatred? Crow: Maybe the pink ranger turned him down when he asked her out. HBK: The guy probably offered her a night full of beatings and rapes and such. Very charming. >>(the green stranger rode kim ) X-Pac(weakly): Bronco Buster? That's...felonious... HHH(sympathetically): Just hold in there, Kid, you'll be alright. Just a little longer. >>(like she was the only whore in a one whore town!) Bret: So not only does he excel at English, but he's a math scholar, too! >>( he forced his cock in and out of kim, ) (she was crying(only tears of enjoyment).) All(in shock): WHAT?! >>( the green stranger asked trini back onto the stage and the crowd went wild ) Crow: Where, AGAIN, they attempted to murder the monsters... >>(yelling "trini, Bret: What? trini, Joel: Who? trini") All(Save Tom): Ohhhhh >>(trini hopped up on the stage) X-Pac: Doesn't anybody walk anymore? >>( and removed her thong bottom once again.) (trini placed her sweet asian pussy) Mike(meekly): Siamese cat? >>( in the face of kim and let her lick her pussy dry....) Joel: At least until the poor pink ranger started coughing up cat fur. >>( trini humped kims face by pulling kims hair, ) (kim had no choise but to lick trini's cunt....) (Bret twitches, gripping the arms of his chair) X-Pac(curled into a tiny ball and rocking himself): There's no place like home...there's no place like home...this is just a dream! >>(the green stranger who was sweatting extremely,) Crow: Was in desperate need of some deodorant. >>(his face begone to start melting. ) Mike: Y'know...I've never been with a girl that could make me do THAT before! >>(also trini's face was melting. ) (kim was in tears when she found out who she was really fucking...) Joel: I thought she already was? HBK: You've been following this? >>(The green stranger turned out to be: Hordon ) ((interplantarian pimp hustler) ) All the wrestlers: Come aboard the hooooooo train! >>(and Trini turned out to be: Alffa) Bret: Alfalfa? >>( 6D9 ) HBK(flatly): Ha. Ha. Clever. >>(galacticty known pussy pounder) Crow: Some kind of reputation you'd want hurled across the universe, huh? >>(All of sudden ) (the crowd morphed into the puddy patrol) ( and joined hordon and alffa in raping kim.... ) Joel: What a way to end such a frightening story. >>(to be continued...... ) X-Pac: In rotting, bloody HELL! (HHH backs away from him slightly) >>(part 3: space rapist )) (the search for sperm)) Bret(shaking his head): Thank God. Let's get out of here before God strikes us down for not having killed ourselves by now. Joel(as they exit): Anyone else find it strange that Tom's still alive? [Exit Theater] [As the camera pans around the SOD, we see X-Pac, Bret, and Mike sitting on the couch, Joel in the chair beside them, and Tom, Crow, and HBK sitting on the floor before the couch. All of them are looking up expectantly at HHH, who is wearing a lab coat, glasses, and is using a pointer to gesture to several charts he's drawn up emphasizing the evils of the world.] HHH(still going on): And here, we have proof that Kevin Bacon is the AntiChrist, and will bring about the world's downfall. The University of Virginia has already done extensive research into this theory, and it is my duty to show to the public that TheCrippler is indeed evil, and must be stopped. Bret: But...We already know that. HHH(ignoring him, slapping the pointer against the chart): Exhibit A. I give you: Tremors. Any movie which prominently features a shotgun-toting country star is surely sadistic. (Moves the chart aside to reveal another one behind it) Country music is the gateway to all things evil. That includes, but is not limited to, pickup trucks, other firearms, basset hounds, and pink flamingos that one feels strangely compelled to place in one's front yard for display. All of this leads to one core, central element... (Moves the chart away and reveals yet another, smacking it loudly, pointing to the WCW logo plastered on the paper) Wrestling! (Crow, who had fallen asleep during the lecture, stirs at the sound) HHH(oblivious to the curious glances of his audience): One, after being introduced to such horrible influences, will go to WCW. Seeing it has little or nothing to offer, they'll inevitably move on to the better ground...WWF. We can't allow this to HAPPEN, people! They will corrupt our children, our minds, our very SOULS! (Tears well up in his eyes as the American flag drops down in the background) Gentlemen, our great country- Joel(timidly): Um...I'm f-from Canada, actually, and- HHH: SILENCE! (Joel falls back against the couch, eyes wide) HHH: Our great country was founded upon the belief that all men are created equal- X-Pac(puzzled): But didn't Jefferson refer to slaves as being less than human? HHH(ignoring him): And our wonderful nation won its freedom from overbearing English tyrants! Bret: Actually, the Revolution was started over a bunch of rich white guys that didn't want to pay their taxes over a war that was fought for them and their country. HHH(ignoring him, also): Please, I beg of you- don't let evil country-loving authors corrupt you! Don't let them ruin our country! For the sake of all mankind, protect your home, lock your children up tight, take away their internet privileges..Just DON'T let them near evil authors! That is all. (Calmly goes about collecting his discarded charts and posters. Silence reigns through the onlookers until, finally, Crow speaks up) Crow: Not that that little tirade wasn't pleasant and everything, but...What in the name of X-Men did that have to do with the story we just read?! HHH: Who said it was about the story? (Walks out of camera view, posters in tow) HBK: .....Well, one of us has officially snapped. (Lights and sirens go off. Bret sighs and walks to the desk, then punches the button.) Bret: Something you wanted, oh brilliant genius mine? Pearl: Oh! Hello there, my strange little Canadian friend! I just wanted to give you and your crew a buzz to let you see the latest goings-on at our meet -n- greet. For example, we're now playing charades! (Whispering) Don't tell him this, but Bobo does not make a very good duck. (Speaking normally now) Oh, look, it's Vince's turn now! (Steps out of the way so Bret, and the crowd gathering around him, can see) (Vince holds up three fingers) Frank: Three words...Three syllables... (growing puzzled as Vince steps into the position of the Sharpshooter) I...I don't understand... Pearl(still at the side): Wrestling? (Vince nods) Something to do with wrestling. (Vince straightens and begins motioning wildly, pointing up as if on the floor and pointing up into the ring) Bobo: Ring? Ring! Mushy: Ring the bell! (Vince, brightly, claps for Mushy) (On the SOD, all stare worriedly at Bret, backing slowly away from him. He calmly closed the connection, drumming his fingers along the desktop.) Gypsy(proudly coming up to join the crowd): Good news, boys! I've almost completely managed to get the ship's control panel fixed! We should be good to go now! (Bret, eyes dangerously malevolent, turns around slowly) Bret: Are you sure? Gypsy: Oh, very. HBK(worried): B-Bret...Come on, man, I know what you're thinking...Just don't... Bret: It's MINE! (Runs to the panel and begins steering the ship in the direction of anything he can find. Despite the others' pleas and violent attempts to stop him, he crashes the ship into what he hopes is The Corporate 13. Before anyone can stop him, he stalks out the airlock and walks onto the main part of the ship he crashed into, coming face to face with a very confused, very ragged looking Vince McMahon.) YOU! (He punches his former boss squarely in the face, sending him to the ground) (Aboard the C-13, Pearl and Vince stand guard over the desert table, holding used dinner pans as weapons, slapping at any fingers that tried to get through to get a piece of pie or cake.) Vince: Back, you evil demons! Back, I say! Frank(going over his plan with Bobo): We'll play it cool. We'll pretend we don't want it. Bobo: But Frank, I REALLY want some of that chocolate-ooof! Frank: Hush! We'll pretend we don't want it! (Notices that Pearl and Vince are less than sympathetic) Oh for the love of...Just charge! Pearl(letting out a Xena-esque cry and leaping forward, bashing anything in sight with her pan): You'll NEVER take me or my desert cart alive!