~*~ [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [All file into theater] [From L-R: Bret, Joel, X-Pac, HHH, Mike, Tom, HBK, Crow] >>The State of Pro Wrestling Bret: Minnesota! (X-Pac and Mike look up, Bret clears his throat) >>March 1, 1999 Joel(nose wrinkled): Aw, man! Those budget cuts are getting bad! We can't even afford up-to-date things to pick on, now! >>By Kevin Nash (All wrestlers groan simultaneously. Joel, Mike, and the 'bots left staring at each other curiously) >>Over the past week, HHH: Stuff has happened, people have died. Can we go now? >>the onslaught Tom: X-Men! X-Pac(smugly): Number 50. Mike(coughing): Fangeek! *cough* >>of negative mainstream press shows me that HBK: People don't like me. >>the evil stepchild of the entertainment industry, Bret: Jim Carey. Mike: Isn't he Canadian? Joel: Shut up! Shut UP! >>pro wrestling, has gotten just a bit too popular for the general population. Tom(Ominously): Thus, it must be done away with swiftly, promptly, and seamlessly. >>Anytime wrestling, or anything for that matter, gets hot, it Crow: Melts? >>seems the American public tries to take shots at it. X-Pac: I take shots at everything... Bret: No, you just take shots, you little druggie. HHH: Oh, that was COLD. Bret(smiling): I know. X-Pac: You'll pay for that. I promise. >>That leads me to Mike: Canaan Land! The land of milk and honey. Crow: Ahhh...Cindy Crawford and Tyra Banks! Joel: Crow... Crow: Sorry. >>the USA TODAY cover story last Friday, February 26, and the coverage last week on Inside Edition. HHH: er...I think we're MiSTed too much now. HBK: Darn. >>It seems some mother (X-Pac opens his mouth, then shakes his head) >>says we are a bad role-model because violence was the way that we seem to alleviate or resolve problems. Well, I don't know where she's from, Bret: Canaan Land! >>but, I guess it must be some all-white area in Connecticut HHH(paranoid): Are you mentioning names, now? And what's wrong with that, anyway? >>where kids are still fighting things out. Where I grew up, kids shoot each other in the school systems now. HBK(groaning): Please tell me we don't have to listen to Kev's street life speech again... Joel(puzzled): Wait a minute. What does the whole "all-white area in Connecticut and south Detroit" speeches have to do with anything? I thought this was about...(trails off) HHH: Don't think about it, man. You'll only hurt something. >> I wish for the simpler times when people decided to resolve problems with fists instead of guns. Crow: This ain't Mayberry, y'know. Tom: Yeah! This is a satellite! Crow: That's not what I meant, you moron. Joel: Children, settle down, please. (Crow and Tom, sheepishly): Sorry, Mr. Joel sir. >>But what do I know ...I'm only a pro wrestler. Bret: You know, I'm beginning to think I canNOT get away from you "kliq" people. I mean, I'm in the middle of no where on some stupid satellite, and I'll probably never get back to earth, and I got stranded with THREE of you! Now I'm having to read something Nash wrote? If I have to listen to Scott tell us about his latest AA meeting... HBK: Someone's getting touchy! >>Then there's Ricky Morton, Mike: Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon... (X-Pac glares at HBK, who starts to rise from his seat, then flops back down when he sees the dirty stares everyone is giving him) HBK: Come on! I'm not THAT bad! (Crickets chirp, HHH wriggles around in his seat) HHH: Those damned crickets are back AGAIN! >>who was in the business for 20 years, on top for 10 of them, yet now doesn't have a dime to his name ... and he decides he's gonna tell about what happened in wrestling?! Joel: In a word? Yes. >>The guy hasn't been in the business for the last 10 years. Bret(bitterly): Yep, I see the Kliq's as observant as always... >>Anything he did was back in the 80s, Tom: Except for the time when, you know, he mowed his grass last week. >>so I guess that's what those guys did back then. I guess that's why they don't have any money! But the guys in the business today have mutual funds, retirement plans. (All the wrestlers snicker to themselves) X-Pac: The closest I have to a retirement fund is what I steal from my kids' piggy banks! >>We don't put every dime we make up our nose or down our throat. Crow: No, but there ARE several other more interesting and unlisted orifices! >>But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. Mike: What makes me think we're going to be ending every paragraph with that? >>Another one of the "critically-acclaimed experts" from the Inside Edition piece was X-Pac: Jim Carey...(Several of the MiSTies shudder) >>some job-guy who's never been in a locker room, never been close enough to any of the top guys to know what really goes on. This, of course, is Dave Meltzer, Wrestlers(enthusiastically): Davey! HBK: Maybe HE'LL help get us off this blasted ship. I never thought about that. HHH(idea formulating, eyes brightening): Yeah! We can tell him that it was some evil plot the wrestling powers-that-be formed to teach us some sort of lesson! X-Pac: We can blame it all on them! Bret: Vince did it. (HBK pelts Bret with a Twizzler and several Milk-Duds.) >>who writes a dirt-sheet, making a living off what people tell him because, as I said, he's not around us, not in the locker room. But then again, what do I know Bret(bitterly): Nothing. Underline: NOTHING. >>... I'm only a pro wrestler. Joel: Not ONLY a pro wrestler, but the president of the pro wrestling club for men! >>Why don't these places like Inside Edition ask people like me Bret: Where our brains went... Crow: That was rude. Tom: Yeah! Don't pick on the brainless people. Making them think is just...wrong. Bret: So is the fact you have a gumball machine for a head, but do you hear me saying anything about it? Tom: Well, no, but..HEY! >>what the pro wrestling world is all about. I can't wait to get home to my family; I count the days until I return home. X-Pac: Yeah, that's why he left his wife for a Nitro Chick. (HBK squirms in his seat and sinks down a bit) >>I haven't flunked a drug-test in 10 years. (Joel and Mike both begin to hide their laughter as the wrestlers bury their heads in their hands) >>Hey, there are more of us than of the other guys. Bret: WHAT other guys? Trix Cereal salesmen? >>If you walk into the office of any Wall Street firm, HBK: You'll be shot on arrival. >>I'm sure there will be people on cocaine and other illegal drugs working there. Hey, if 10 percent of the population uses drugs, Tom(frightened): No one told me there was going to be a math quiz! This isn't fair, I didn't get to study! >>then 10 percent of the population uses drugs in all walks of life, across the board; it isn't just in pro wrestling. Joel: My, aren't we the bright one. >>One of the best lines in wrestling I've heard in some time was from Mick Foley. Mike: But unfortunately, I can't remember it, so let's just move on to the next paragraph, shall we? >>It was something like, "I'd like to have a drink of liquor, but I don't want to become an airline pilot." (All laugh blandly) >>C'mon folks, look around you! (All, dutifully, begin to glance about the theater) >>Our society is crumbling. (Mike begins to make guitar sounds as Tom sings) Tom: If chicken little told you that the sky was fallin', even if it wasn't, would you still come crawlin' back again? I bet you would my friend... All: Again and again and again and again and again. >>Pro wrestling sure as hell isn't the root of all this. Instead of pointing the figure at pro wrestling, HHH(coughing): It...It's finger, Kev. >>maybe those parents who are working 20-hour days to go buy that E-Class 420 that they've been chasing for years, maybe they should chase down their kids to see what they're doing. Joel(Valley Girl): Duh! That's what the car's for! Pshaw. >>But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. (Bret grips the arms of his chair a bit tighter) >>WCW Monday Nitro airs from 8-11 p.m. ET, while the WWF's Raw airs from 9-11 p.m. ET. X-Pac: Thanks for enlightening us, brilliant one. >>Well, I can look at NYPD and other shows during that same time-frame and they have naked people on their shows. It's not just us; it's not just pro wrestling ... it's society; it's all across the board! Crow: Boys and girls, I think I've found our phrase of the day! >>Does that make it right? Tom: Yes. >>No. Tom: Damn! Fouled again. >> But don't single us out just because all of a sudden we're popular again. But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. (Bret twitches. Those around him scoot further away) >>Does the WWF take it too far? Yeah, sure they do. But don't lump WCW in with them. Our guidelines are so much more stringent. (All the wrestlers begin choking on whatever food they were munching on at the moment) >>We don't have any sex acts. (HHH has to start giving X-Pac the Heimlich manuever) >>People may assume some things, but if you knew where we were going in our story-lines, you're either old enough or awfully mature to get it laid out in black and white. But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. (X-Pac shoots a piece of popcorn across the theater, where it sticks to the wall) Crow: Score! Mike: Ewwww....Didn't your mother ever tell you to keep your food IN your mouth? HHH(snickering): He doesn't keep ANYTHING in his mouth...except, of course, for Shane. Joel: WOW, the censors have gotten lazy around this place. >>If the worst thing your kid does all week is point to his crotch and say, "Suck It," (HBK, HHH, and X-Pac smile proudly and lean back in their seats while Bret shakes his head) >>and he doesn't do drugs and he stays in school, well, then I think you've raised a pretty good kid. HBK: Then again, this is Kevin's standards, y'know. HHH: He's gonna shoot you if he finds out about all this. >>But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. Joel: Okay, I believe we entered the land of overkill a long, long time ago. >>Inside Edition aired footage off a hidden-camera of one of the guys pulling off the shirt of a ring X-Pac(hopefully): rat? announcer ... X-Pac: Oh. >>OH MY GOD, HHH: Joel! Joel(looking up from the bag of Cheetos he was rummaging through): Huh? HHH: Wrong Joel. >>WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO! Bret: Question mark! It's called a QUESTION MARK! >>Gee, that must be a felony (All look towards X-Pac, who grows defensive) X-Pac: What? You think 'cause someone says something about felonies that I have to be involved somehow? >>in all 50 States and Puerto Rico, too. And then they show a grown-man taking beers up to his room ... OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO! Bret(through gritted teeth): Question...mark... >>Oh wait, alcohol is legal for people over the age of 21. Crow(dryly): Well, our wrestler here is just a wealth of useful information, isn't he? Bret: Always has been. >>But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. (All scream) >>Pro wrestling is entertainment. I think Vince McMahon said it best with the WWF's Super Bowl commercial. X-Pac: Sex sells? >>Their whole message was, pro wrestling is a joke. Wrestling's a joke! Get it? Get it? Get it? Tom(cowering): And I thought that Frank was annoying... >>Hey, everything we do is a joke. It's like Vaudeville. Crow(puzzled): What? Mike: Nevermind, buddy. >>C'mon people, give me a break .... HBK: Gimmie a break...break me off a piece of that...(notices people staring at him) Alright! Okay, fine, I won't do ANYTHING, okay? Happy now? (Others nod) >> it's just pro wrestling. But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. HHH: You know... >>Then you've got the kids in their backyards with their Extreme Wrestling Federations. What's the difference between that and, when I was a kid, X-Pac: People still peddled their cars with their feet like Fred Flintstone... Bret: Ouch! >>we'd watch a football game on Sunday then go out in the backyard and tackle each other? What's the difference? People are going to emulate things that they find fascinating. Is the life of pro wrestling fascinating to most of these kids? I'm sure it is. But they're not pro wrestlers. Joel: And he just keeps getting MORE observant! >>They don't know the drudgery of what we do day in, day out. They don't know what it's like to be on the road 10 days in a row, to get thrown around 10 days in a row. Yeah, it make look glamorous to a 13-year-old kid, but to a 39-year-old man, it's like going to a coal-mine every day ... the only difference is, I don't get black-lung; I just get a couple more degenerative disc problems. But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. Mike: And...this is supposed to be *flattering* to the business you've made a living in? Bret: I believe it's an American thing. >>If people would take care of their kids, maybe they wouldn't be looking so hard at us to be their kids' role-models. These people realize now, Crow: That the Trix commercials are doing nothing more than promote the degradation of our society via colorful fruit-flavored cereal! (All stare) What? It's true! I mean, WHY won't they just let the rabbit have some of the cereal? 'Cause he's a rabbit? Does he not enjoy the same luxuries as the rest of us? Would he not like a good bowl of Trix now and then? If you prick him, does he not bleed? (Mike pats him on the shoulder as he begins to ramble incoherently) >>after their kids have been watching pro wrestling for two years, that they are being influenced by the sport? The only reason the parents don't realize the kids are being influenced is because they're bouncing off walls, drinking a couple of high-balls trying to make it through the day. HHH: Who, the kids or the parents? HBK: In Kid's case, either. X-Pac: Eh, whatever works. >>What's happened to the socialization process? Where's the church? Where's the family? HBK: We're now going to accept moral teachings from the likes of Kevin Nash. I believe it's official now, boys and...robots. X-Pac: Hell HAS frozen over! Joel: Cool! I got first dibs to go skating on the lake of fire! >>Pro wrestling definitely is NOT what's bringing this country down. HHH: Nope, it's Paul Bearer. HBK: Swish! >>My God, we have a President who has sex with an intern ... and that's OK?! Bret: And a wrestler that...well, I won't go into that. Joel: And you never hear anything like that about Canada! We don't have these problems there! X-Pac: That's because it's Canada. No one cares about Canada. Crow: Sure! I'm guessing Canadians do... Joel: And just whose side are you on, anyway? Crow: Whoever gives me more treats! >>Look around you, people, our society is decaying. Tom: That's what too much sugar does to ya, y'know. >>It certainly ain't because of a bunch of fake wrestlers, with shows airing on a couple of cable networks to give viewers an outlet to release and laugh. X-Pac: *I* don't laugh! HBK: That's only 'cause you get your ass kicked on a weekly basis! X-Pac: Leave me alone. >>But then again, what do I know ... I'm only a pro wrestler. (Bret twitches again, and continues to do so as they all file out of the theater) [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [Joel, X-Pac, and Bret are gathered at the computer, furiously typing up their plea for help, while the others are lounging at the couch or assisting Tom and Crow, who are setting up a ring for their very first wrestling match.] X-Pac(reading as he types): Dear Dave...No, backspace. David. That's better. Dear David: We're stuck in space as a result of the plan- Joel: Evil plan. X-Pac: Yeah. Evil plan of...of...Backspace. The evil collaboration of nameless wrestling organizations- Bret: Vince. X-Pac(ignoring him): Who are hellbent on destroying us. Bret: Vince. X-Pac: If there is any ounce of humanity left in your mortal soul, you will proceed to rescue us, effective immediately. Bret: 'Cause Vince did it. Joel: Tell him to bring cheese whiz, too. X-Pac: P.S...Bring cheese whiz. (Looks up at the email address, checks it one more time, and just as he's about to hit the send button, the power flicks off long enough to shut down the computer, and then come right back on. He immediately begins screaming and cursing loudly. Joel and Bret shake their heads, muttering something about rude, foul-mouthed Americans as HHH moves to the closet to see what's happening. He opens the door, then screams as something large, purple, and with a snakelight for a head comes tumbling out at his feet.) HHH: AGH! What the Hell are YOU? (The "purple thing" rises to her feet, brushing herself off, then squeals when she sees Joel) Joel: Gypsy! (Runs to her to get a hug, then gets hit in the head by her arm.) Owwww... Gypsy: Oh! Sorry, Joel. I just get overly-excited sometimes. (Turns, notices Mike) MIKE! (Starts to hug him, and he grins, returning the hug, but making sure to duck) Hey, where are ...Oh. (Notices Crow and Tom still toying with the makeshift wrestling ring) Should I ask? Mike: Nah. You'll understand later. But what are you doing here? Gypsy(fuming): They TRICKED me! Joel(confused): They? Gypsy: Yes! That other evil group of tyrants...Mushy and them...they tricked me into "freelance consultation work" that turned out to be a coffee-getter! (Mike and Joel "aww" and try to comfort Gypsy with a hug) Gypsy: But, I got my revenge on Magic Mongo and his overbearing ways. Oh yes, believe me, I did... (Mike and Joel hesitate and back up a step) [A cry rings out in the background, and, startled, Gypsy looks to the couch, then down to where X-Pac sat, clutching the remains of his beloved and now shredded comic book to his chest. She coos, eyes filling with tears at the sight of the devastated look on X-Pac's face] Gypsy(wrapping him into a protective hug): What's wrong, dear? X-Pac(sniffling): Something or someONE destroyed my...my book (Whimpers, shows Gypsy the remains. She frowns.) Gypsy: It's just a comic book. X-Pac: It's a graphic NOVEL! (Sniffs again, looking around the room, his gaze finally resting on Crow) YOU! YOU did it! Crow(looking up from where he's trying unsuccessfully to lace a pair of boots): Huh? I've been over here getting into my awesome wrestling attire, coffee boy! I'm innocent! Bret(coming out of the kitchen with a banana in his hand): Hey! Those are MY boots! X-Pac: And my bandana! Crow: Guys, guys...didn't your mothers ever teach you about sharing? Bret and X-Pac: No. Crow: ...Oh. Well, she should have. (HBK looks up sheepishly from the table where he's sitting, trying hard to look innocent. In doing so, Gypsy notices him for the first time, and promptly abandons Sean to go to Shawn's side.) Gypsy: Hi! HBK(happy to at least be noticed): Hi. Gypsy(sizing him up): You're cute. (HBK's eyes widen fearfully and he lets his head drop down on the table. Meanwhile, Crow and Tom have finally succeeded in getting their match ready to go. They finally talk HHH into being their ring announcer, and he only reluctantly does so.) HHH: First, weighing in at...(Glares at Tom) You're not four hundred pounds. Tom(indignant): If Crash Holly can do it, so can I. HHH(sighing): Alright, fine. Weighing in at four hundred pounds, the challenger, from parts unknown...Oh, God. (Groans at the lame pun.) Is Tom the...the Tiger. (Bursts into laughter, with assorted giggles coming from around the room. Tom sniffles.) Tom: I worked very hard on this, people. (Violin music begins to play in the background) And if you don't appreciate it, then I'm very sad for you and whoever else may be interested. And if I had a heart, I'm sure it'd be broken right now. (Grabs a tissue from somewhere out of camera view.) And I'd use this thing if I had a nose! (Someone, again out of camera view, shouts "Go tell it to Oz and get on with the show!" Tom whirls around) Shut up, Joel! You're messing up my speech! HHH: ANYWAY... His opponent, the current Satellite of Degenerates Heavyweight Champion, weighing in at just over five pounds, from the mind of a bored, failed tinkerer, It's Crow the Conquerer! (Mike strikes a spoon against a glass for the bell, and the two begin to grapple it out) HHH: So, excuse my ignorance, but...what was the point in this? Mike: They're trying to explain that wrestling isn't violent. (Ducks as one of Crow's arms go sailing over his head) And they're not doing so well now. Gypsy(shocked at the violence): Stop! Stop that, both of you, right now! (Pulls Crow away, only to receive the boos from the audience) Don't make me hurt you. (The audience falls silent. Gypsy nods) That's what I thought. (Looks down at Crow, alarmed) Where'd your arms go? Crow(still struggling): Lemme go! I can take 'im! He ain't nothin', that lousy piece of gumball junk! (Gypsy smacks him against the head) Ow! Gypsy: Play nice, boys. (Drops Crow to the ground, who cries out in protest, then looks to the control panel, notices the door of it is open, and she tilts her head) Been trying to escape lately? X-Pac(finally recovering over his crisis): Not very effectively, but yeah. Gypsy: Lemme have a crack at it and I'll see what I can do. (Settles down in the swivel chair. Before she starts, however, she turns and stares at Bret) One thing I do feel the need to warn you about however...the stories and rants that you're doing? (Bret nods) They're very, very familiar from somewhere, I just can't place it. Bret: All things in Hell start to look alike after a while. Just like Britney Spears songs. HBK(looking up from the table): Silence, blasphemer! (Bret rolls his eyes as the lights and sirens go off.)