For those of you non-MiSTies...A role call! Tom Servo and Crow are the robots, they've been with the show the entire time. Joel was the original "average blue-collar Joe" in the beginning, and Dr. Forrester was the original mad scientist-type guy, and his assistant was Frank. As the seasons went on, Joel was replaced by Mike, and Dr. Forrester was replaced by Pearl Forrester and her assistants, Bobo and Brain Guy. In *my* MiSTings...well, you know who the MiSTies are, but my main evil bad guy person is Vince. :) Oh, and the Infamous Zap Machine turned Teleporter is mentioned in here. That's a reference to another of my MiSTings in which Shawn and Bret tried to build a machine that would help ....er, curb...X-Pac's swearing habit by zapping him every time he tried to say something bad. Well, somehow, Vince managed to get his hands on it, and he transformed it into a teleporter. So voila. :) Whew! [Opening Credits] [The camera pans around the SOD and we see our regular gang of misfits (that being Bret, X-Pac, HHH, and HBK for those of you that don't remember) lounging at "The Desk". A plastic wrestling ring is set up in the middle, and the posts suddenly go ablaze] Bret: Um...Guys? X-Pac(arguing with HHH): No, I'm telling you, this model is all *wrong*! Bret: Guys... HHH: Shut up for a minute, Bretski. Bret(becoming increasingly worried): Guys, Kane's on fire. (Finally gains the others' attention as they look to the ring. Not only have the posts began to smoke, but there's a smouldering Kane action figure standing in the middle of the ring) HBK: So put it out and make yourself useful! (Bret salutes Shawn and walks off in search of water; X-Pac and Hunter begin to argue again. HBK looks at them, then suddenly notices the camera's on, and he grins sheepishly) Oh! Hello there, you shouldn't sneak up on us like that. Welcome to the Satelite of Degenerates. I'm Shawn Michaels, and I...Well, I guess I'll be your host for this evening, as our regular hero has gone off in search of water because our reinactment went a bit awry. (Smoke begins to rise in the background; Shawn risks a glance backwards, then smiles at the camera) We'll be right back. [Commercials] [As the show starts again, we see Bret desperately trying to douse the inferno currently erupting in the Satelite. He picks up the Kane figure and dunks it in the water, to no effect. With a stream of curses he hurls it across the room.] Bret: The blasted thing is made of Satan! It won't die! [X-Pac sniffs, then his eyes widen when he notices his comic book collection going up in smoke] X-Pac: NO! My...My stuff! (Turns to Bret) Why the Hell did you throw it over there?! Bret: YOU weren't exactly making yourself useful, young man! X-Pac: Kane's on fire! On my stuff! HHH: Kane...fire....That just ain't right. [X-Pac scrambles over to the couch, trying to salvage what he can of his books that haven't been singed. HBK sighs and jumps when he notices the side door opening. Out walk Mike, Crow, and Tom. HBK's mouth drops open.] HBK: Wha... Mike(trying to console Crow and Tom, who are on either side of him and have their heads hung low): Hey guys. Don't mind us, we're just going to see if we can unfasten the airlock and jump to our deaths. (HBK blinks) HBK: Where did you come from? Mike(gesturing with his head): From there! (points to the theater) You never noticed? We've been living in there for however long it's been since you guys showed up. We've been living off our food supply, those little food packets astronauts get, bread crumbs, cheese whiz, shaving cream... Tom(mumbling, but sounding remarkably cheerful): Hey, I liked the cheese-umph! (Shuts up when Mike smacks his head) Mike: We're begging for sympathy, Servo. Remember that. (The robot nods. HBK tilts his head to the side) HBK: And you showed up now because... Mike(hesitating a moment as Bret runs between the two of them with two pails of water): Because Pearl found us. (sighs heavily) So now it's back to the unemployment line for us. (Looks down as Crow begins to sob into his leg) Shhh, it's okay, little buddy. We'll find something for us to work on, I promise. Crow: But what if she sends us back to Earth? And back to Minnesota? We'll be stuck working in a cheese factory! Mike(brow crossed): That...That's Wisconsin, Crow. Crow(mood uplifting suddenly): Oh. Well then, that's okay then. [Lights and sirens go off; All stare at the red light on the desk. HBK sighs] HBK: Look, the stooges are calling! [Aboard the Corporate 13, we see Vince and Pearl sitting at the head of a long table, wine glasses in hand and chuckling loudly, chatting aloud their vivid plans for intergalactic domination. Vince looks up, then notices the others.] Vince: Hello, my ebola-infested degenerates! How's this fine morning in space treating you? [HBK coughs and begins to wave the smoke from his face] HBK: Well, besides the fact we're all going to die slow and horrible deaths in a blazing inferno? Pretty good! Oh, look what I found! (He proudly picks up Crow and holds him before the camera; Pearl grins) Pearl: The little yellow...thing! And Servo! And Mike! My, how I've missed you all! Mike(cheeks flushing with pride): Really? Pearl: Well, no. Mike: Gee. Crow(as he's sat back down on the ground, looking up at Mike with wide, tearing eyes): Mike? How come she didn't know my name? (Mike bends to console his robot friend) Mike: Don't get so upset, buddy, Pearl just gets forgetful in her old age. Pearl: I heard that, Nelson. Vince: So anyway, I got to talking to Miss Forester here, and as it turns out, she and I have quite a bit in common! HBK: Besides that evil tyrant thing? Vince: Yes. Pearl: And as I've always said, two heads are better than one! HBK: Better is quite the objectionable term. Pearl(ignoring him): So now that we've been greeted with Mike's presence, and those little...things...I think we need to get down to business. (Mike and the 'bots gulp, Pearl points to the side of the room. Brain Guy is setting behind a desk with a hat on it that has "Boss" written in black marker across the front, and he is waiting as people go through the line) That, boys and 'bots, is the Castle de Forrester unemployment line. Pretty nifty, huh? Crow(trembling): Un...Unemployment? Pearl: That's right! And it's all for you! Why, you should see some of the stars we've had the pleasure of canning! Charlie Sheen, umm...(brow creases) well...There's Charlie Sheen, and... (The 'bots begin going nuts as they see a familiar figure walk up to the booth) Pearl: Oh! And our very own beloved (she begins to grumble) Joel! Mike(confused): Who? Joel(turning towards the screen, waving): Oh, hi Crow, Tom. (looks at Mike) So you're my replacement, eh? Mike(growing more confused): Who ARE you? Joel: Nevermind. You'll learn someday. (Turns to Brain Guy) And you would be Frank's replacement. (Looks him over critically) Well, it's good to know some things don't change. Brain Guy: Why's that? Joel: Because Frank was a MORON. But I won't judge. (Turns back to the screen when he hears a scream) Servo? Is there a reason why your head's on fire? Tom: Oh, yeah, Joel. I'm trying to find out at what temperature the brain really DOES fry! Like in those drug commercials! Joel: But...You don't have a brain. Tom(disappointed): Oh yeah...(Suddenly growing excited and frightened) Oh my GOD, I'm on fire! HELP ME! (begins to run about the SoD. Joel shakes his head, then looks over at Pearl) Joel: I'm not about to plead for my crappy job, but you think you could at least let the 'bots keep theirs? Mike(defensive): What about me? Joel: Hey, you took my job, pal. You're on your own. Mike: Jerk. Pearl: Now, now, boys. Let's not resort to name calling. (Stops, thinks a moment) Nah. Vince (looking to his left where he sees the Infamous Zap Machine turned Teleporter): Nope. Now...(Begins to punch buttons on a remote that no one could recall seeing him claim, and the machine slowly whirls and coughs into life. A puff of smoke and a loud bang later, we see Mike and the 'bots standing behind line with Joel.) There we go. Now, prepare to taste the defeat of unemployment, boys! (He and Pearl cackle madly, then HBK clears his throat) HBK: Guys? Um...The post? Pearl(looking up): Huh? Oh! The post. Yes. Well, tonight's post will be a lovely, short, but agonizingly stupid fanfic involving your hero and leader, Bret Hart. (HBK moans in disappointment, then yelps as Bret whacks him with a water pail as he dashes back to the desk, which is starting to become a pile of ashes) Pearl: Er...Having problems? HBK: No, none at all. Pearl: Good. So if you'll excuse us...(Looks over to the unemployment line. Screen goes blank, and HBK sighs, looking to...well...what's *left* of the SoD, to see X-Pac and Bret smiling proudly amidst a pile of ashes- the remains of the couch.) Bret: We did it! We put the fire out! HBK: That's nice guys. Hey, where'd Hunter go? (HHH pops up from behind the desk, looking around wildly) HHH: There was a dude and two robots walking around...and a fire...and now we have to read a fanfic? Is there no justice in this world? HBK: No. Now wanna go ahead and get this over with? (All grumble and nod slowly as they walk into the theater) [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Enter Theater] [From L-R: Bret, X-Pac, HHH, HBK] Bret(as he takes his seat): You know, the idea that I was willing to risk my life for you people should tell you something about my character. I'm really not the mean, heartless guy you think I am. X-Pac: You were the one that tossed Smokin' Kane. Bret: Well...You can overlook that. HHH: And you're not such a nice guy in this fic, either. Bret(startled): No fair! You peeked! HHH: I got bored! HBK: You're jealous because he has to read this TWICE? Bret: Well....Okay. On with the fic. >Bret Hart HBK: Is a puss. X-Pac(sighing): and already we have to start the insults. >stared out of his HBK: ass, since that's where his head is... HHH: Did it just get colder in here or is it me? Bret: And after I saved your worthless hide... >>window at the flaming wreckage of X-Pac: His career. Bret: God, you people are heartless! HHH: Nah. X-Pac has the biggest heart in the business, remember? X-Pac(grumbling): JR doesn't like me as a heel. >>the plane outside his Calgary home. Bret(confused): Since when was there an airport around my house? HBK: Since the author decided to put one there? HHH: I bet it's the same chick that's obsessed with Kid's wife... (X-Pac shudders as the others snicker) >>He never thought HBK: Period. >>when he woke up five hours earlier he'd HHH: Still have a job. Bret: I hate each and every one of you. X-Pac: Hey, I've kept my mouth shut! >>have to shoot down a plane but there he was, standing out of the window of his home and screaming triumphantly towards the dead hyenas scattered about his lawn. (All stare blankly at the screen) >>It took a precise shot to X-Pac: to the butt to get this author to admit the story sucks.. HBK: We're only about a paragraph into it. Give it a shot. X-Pac: I'd like to...Right to the head! HBK: You know what I meant. X-Pac: So it's a MiSTing! I don't HAVE to give it the benefit of a doubt! HBK(After a brief pause): Touche. >>hit the gas tank of the plane and he knew HHH: How to hit the gas tank of a plane when it's UNDER the plane...Thus making the plane crash on his house...Dummy. Bret: But that's not- HHH: Silence. Don't ruin my joke. >>one inch to the left and his loving family would have been desamated with bombs. X-Pac: What the... Bret: Don't ask. I don't wanna know. >> He also knew who had sent these assasins HBK: Wow. Bischoff *really* takes action when you're late to a meeting, huh? >>and make no mistake, he was going to get his revenge. X-Pac: By doing what? Charging CNN Center? Hell, we already tried that and you see where it got us. HHH: I still think that was a fake building placed for our amusement. I always figured it'd be something more than a Sam's club... >>Shawn Michaels sat calmy in his Texas ranch with attractive women surrounded him. Bret: At least the language is right for such a Texan hick... HBK: Yes, but I'M the one that has the gorgeous chicks around me while you're in the frozen tundra fighting off Bischoff's minions. X-Pac: How hard can fighting the NWO B-Team be? And another thing, how can you sit *in* a ranch anyhow? HBK: Hey, it's my fantasy, leave me alone! >>The information about the plane he had sent being shot down HHH: The information was shot? >> had not pleased him Bret: for he wanted it to be shot twice! >>and now he was making plans for a new attack while screaming angrily. X-Pac: Must be a talented individual. Bret: We all know Shawn's biggest trait is the ability to outwhine any other. HBK: Except for my mentor, Bretski. >>"Hunter, fuel up our jet. It's time! X-Pac: It's Vader Time! And...Wait...Hunter? Oh please, do NOT let this fanfic involve me in *any* way... >>BREAK IT DOWN!" (HBK and Bret begin to hum the DX theme) HHH: The king of rock- X-Pac: Who? HHH: The king of rock- X-Pac: What? >>said Shawn Michaels, the wrestler. HHH(snorting): As opposed to who, Shawn Michaels the Avon salesman? >>Vince McMahon sat in his Connecticut home and cried softly as his son, Shane McMahon, tried to console his father. HBK: Yes. We thought Shane would have a DIFFERENT last name than his father. X-Pac: So Vince just randomly bursts into tears at any given moment, huh? >>"I gave you life" said Vince McMahon, Bret: Actually, I believe that was Linda's job. God, that's just like him, to go claiming credit for EVERYTHING. HBK: Bret, please don't start... Bret: I won't. (HBK sighs heavily in relief) X-Pac: said Vince McMahon...We KNOW his last name already, you twit! >>the head of the WWF. HHH: Again, I believe that would be Linda's job. HBK: Ouch... HHH: It's true! >>"Now you betray me Shane?" X-Pac: McMahon. Shane McMahon. You betray Vince McMahon, the head of the WWF? How dare you? >>"Yes" said Shane McMahon, the son of the head of the WWF, Vince McMahon. (Bret begins to twitch) HBK: We KNOW that, you moron! >>Bret Hart called his brother Owen Hart on a telephone. HHH: And again, I believe we can figure out that brothers would have the same last name... X-Pac(suddenly growing uneasy): Uh...Guys? Should we really be MiSTing this now? HBK(with a shrug): Hey, Owen liked to laugh. He'd be here MiSTing it with us if he could! I say we mock it in his honor. Bret(touched): Well, Shawn...Thank you. HBK: No problem. Always did like him better than you anyhow. (Bret huffs and turns back to the screen) >> Owen and Bret agreed on a bond of death. For who? Shawn Michaels! Bret(smugly): That's what you get for insulting me! HBK: Wait a minute! >>The phone rang at X-Pac: The White House. It was Monica, and she was asking to have her dress returned. HHH: Owwww.... >>Owen's house. It was Bret on the phone. Bret: It's a good thing the author clarified that for us. I mean, we could have thought he was on the microwave or something. >>He agreed to everything Bret said and then hung up the phone. Bret(snorting): Like THAT ever happened. X-Pac: Do any brothers ever agree on ANYTHING? Bret: No. >>A voice from the darkness said, HBK: "Drop the chalupa." HHH: "I love you." Bret: "You have mail." X-Pac: "Welcome to World Championship Wrestling." All(Save X-Pac): You win. >>"You did good Owen. You did REAL good!" Who did the voice belong to? Shawn Michaels! Bret: Idiot! You're not supposed to reveal the 'speaker from the darkness' until the end! Jeez. If you're going to right a bad mystery, do it RIGHT! HBK: Was that an oxymoron? >>Bret thought his brother sounded sad, but it was likely since he was still in the WWF and not with him in WCW. (All begin to chuckle) HHH: I think I'd be sad if I thought I WAS going to WCW... >>Soon that will all change thought Bret. X-Pac: Yes...He had a plan to take over the world with nothing more than a Hershey wrapper and a paper clip...and cherry cough drops! Hey, MacGyver could have done it. >>At WrestleMania, both McMahon and Michaels will pay dearly. HBK: For at WrestleMania, they will have to buy Microsoft to *truly* become the most dominant force in the world! HHH: What the Hell? HBK: I'm running low on material. Gimmie a few minutes. >> A voice from the darkness said, "Yes" The voice was belonging to none other than X-Pac: Satan. Shane McMahon, X-Pac: Close enough. HHH: Not nice to talk about your secret lover like that. X-Pac: Whatever. So is the only thing Shane can say is 'Yes' or something? He's the Parrot of the WWF! >>the son of the WWF's head, Vince McMahon. (Bret twitches again) >>They both laughed. HHH: And all the MiSTies whimper in pain as they realize...the story goes on. >>So the scene was set, WrestleMania, the biggest wrestling event in the history of wrestling. X-Pac: Thank God he clarified! I thought it was the biggest event in water polo! >> Vince McMahon HHH: The head of the WWF...Father to Shane McMahon, who was the son of Vince McMahon, head of the WWF... >>paced nervously backstage. "I'm telling you Shawn" said Vince. "I'm telling you McMahon" said Shawn. "I have this under control, don't worry." HBK: The bell will ring when...Wait, was that out loud? (Bret growls something under his breath, X-Pac scoots towards HHH nervously) >>"I am worried Shawn Michaels, HHH: No one's allowed to go by first names, obviously. >>my son, Shane McMahon, (All but Bret scream. Bret, strangely enough, remains quiet...frighteningly quiet.) >>is evil. X-Pac: Well Hell, I coulda told you that! >>He has left me, I have no idea where he has gone. HBK: Jeez, the kid gets outta his sight for five seconds and he starts panicking. >>But I know he is up to no good." HHH: He's probably in the locker room, screwin' your employees... X-Pac: You have no proof! (three pairs of eyes turn towards him; he pales) I mean, Shane...You know...He doesn't do that kinda stuff...you know... HHH: Sure, Kid. >>"What can Shane do? Bret(snickering): Ask Sean. X-Pac: You have NO proof! >>He's useless. X-Pac: Is not. >>I'm Shawn Michaels, Bret(through clenched teeth): Yes, we know...and your boss is Vince McMahon, head of the WWF, and father to Parrot Boy, Shane McMahon, who's the son of the head of the WWF, Vince McMahon. >>the show stopper. In ten minutes I start wrestling. Nothing can go wrong now!" Said Shawn Michaels. HBK(quickly losing his patience): You think that, just maybe, the author's doing this so she/he/it can remember the names? >>Bret had told Owen to carry a gun to the ring to shoot Shawn Michaels with. X-Pac: The Hell? HHH: So, what, he can't do his own dirty business now? HBK: Never could. Well, except Sunny... Bret: One more word from you and so help me, I'll gleefully cut your heart out. >>He had the gun, only with one small change, the first shot was a blank. Bret: And the purpose in that is... The second? It was a real bullet for a gun! X-Pac: And here I thought you put bullets in your coffee. >>Bret waited patiently in the audience. He was wearing a Bret Hart mask as a disguise but that backfired since the mask was so realistic people thought he was actually HBK: A monster. Bret Hart. Which he was. But he didn't want people to think he was. He removed the mask but that did no good, since he still looked like Bret Hart. HHH: But he was still Bret Hart. But he looked like him. With the mask. But he didn't want to look like him. But he was still Bret. Because he looked like him. But even without the mask. >>He then bought some shades to hide his identity and people stopped bothering him. (All begin to laugh) X-Pac: So what, he's Clark Kent now? He puts on a pair of glasses and no one can tell he's Superman? >>The match between Owen and Shawn at WrestleMania was going well. It was a good match. HBK: That's the general impression one gets when you say a match is going well. >>Suddenly Owen pulled out a gun and shot Michaels. HHH: Shit! X-Pac(struggling not to laugh): So how does one go about just producing a gun from no where? Bret: You see, boys and girls, THIS is why the ref is supposed to CHECK you when you get in the ring! >>"HURRAY!" said Bret Hart and ran into the ring, pulling off his sunglasses to reveal he was actually Bret Hart. HBK: I don't appreciate having my intelligence insulted. Bret: I don't "hurray", I "huzzah"! >>To his surprise, Shawn Michaels then got up and tapped Bret on the shoulder. HHH: Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'! >>Bret turned around, then turned back to Owen, not understanding he had been stabbed in the back. X-Pac: Actually, tapped in the shoulder, but whatever phrase you wanna use is fine with us. >>Then, suddenly, with one shot, Bret stopped wondering, since he had been shot in the head by his own brother, Owen. Owen Hart. Owen then shot Bret in the heart once and said, "Irony!" He laughed. HBK: Well that was... HHH: Unexpected? X-Pac: Unplanned? Bret: Pointless? HBK: There it is. >>Suddenly, to the surprise of everyone, Shawn Michaels ripped off his face to reveal he was actually X-Pac: Skelator? >>Shane McMahon. All(blandly): Yes. >>"You fooled me!" said Owen to Shane. "Yes" said Shane McMahon. (All struggle not to hurl themselves at the screen) >>"I still killed Bret though, so you failed." said Owen. "Very true, said Shane!" HBK(confused): So...Shane's quoting his own sentences in the story now? HHH: The poor boy's a bit flustered. I mean, these are his first words besides 'yes'! X-Pac: Of course, 'very true' still means yes.... HHH: Variety is the spice of life. Bret: Sean would know. I mean, Shane, you, Shawn, Kane, Road Dogg... X-Pac: Har. Har. >>"But is this really Bret Hart?" said Shane. HBK: No, it's Shane McMahon, the son of the head of the WWF, Vince McMahon. Idiot. >>Shane then ripped off Bret Hart's mask to reveal Bret Hart. Bret: Well...Duh. >>"Hahahahhahaha" said Shawn Michaels from the darkness. "I double crossed you all!!!!!" THE END HHH: How is he in the darkness? Aren't they still in the ring? Bret: Don't try to make sense out of it. You'll only strain something. HBK: So...Was there a point at ALL to this? Anyone care to run things down? X-Pac: Well, let's get out the scoreboard and see, shall we? Shawn sent a plane to bomb Bret's family, but Bret shot the gas tank only to have the plane barely miss his house as it crashed, which in itself is about impossible. Then...Uh...Shane said 'yes' a lot, we got to see a bunch of McMahon's mentioned, uh...someone shot someone in the head...I think that's about it. HBK: Close enough. Let's get outta here. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [Exit Theater] [The camera pans around the SoD and we see the degenerates...and Bret...standing by what's left of the couch, X-Pac whimpering as he clutches a charred Spiderman comic to his chest. Blue lights flash and Shawn dejectedly walks to it] Pearl: Dearie! How was the fic? HBK: I...hate...you. Pearl: Hate's such a strong word, dontcha think? (She and Vince burst into giggles, then she motions towards the 'bots, Joel, and Mike) Boys, I'm feeling generous today, and I'm sick of that little THING whining... Crow(indignant): My name is CROW! Pearl: Whatever. Anyhow, I'm going to let you go back to the Satellite and pick up your worthless belongings to aid in your journey to wherever. Kay? (The 'bots nod, Mike sniffles) Oh, do try to be a bit more upbeat, Nelson. You're going back home to Mommy's loving bosom! (Mike whimpers as they're led to the Infamous Zap Machine turned Transformer) Now, this might tickle a little...(Lights and sirens and smoke and general chaos follows. When the smoke clears, however, Pearl's evil smirk fades into a scowl.) [On the SoD, Shawn looks from Crow and Tom, who are clinging to Mike's legs again, to Joel. Joel and Mike are staring at each other. HBK then looks to the screen to see Pearl screaming and ranting at Vince about how the machine's broken.] HBK: Goodnight, everybody! Mike: Who are you? [End]