[6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Enter Theater] [From L-R: Bret, X-Pac, HHH, HBK] Date:Wed, 5 Apr 2000 15:11:23 -0700 (PDT) HBK: A day that will live in infamy. From: nicole johnson Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Your phone will ring after u read thits! (I swear! goodluck!!=) Bret: There is no God. I realize it now. X-Pac: You didn't realize it when you found just how Bischoff REALLY is? Bret (after a pause): Well, I realized it then, you're right. But now I'm certain! Damned chainletters. (begins to grumble and look around for the popcorn) To: raistlin_syxx@yahoo.com, myzticAngel@webtv.net, x24x@hotmail.com HHH: Check it out! It's our MiSTer! That means...Oh no... HBK: Yeah, you know what that means. She's sick of the chain letters and now she's decided to make US read them just to amuse HER. Bitch. (MiSTer appears as an ominous image in the screen; HBK gulps and quickly shuts up.) Note: forwarded message attached. X-Pac: Yay for forwards! __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bret: What I do in my private time is none of your business, thankyouverymuch. Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger. HHH: I don't like most of my friends. Why would I wanna talk to 'em when I'm online? HBK: Hey... Bret: For the sake of the readers, can we maybe fast forward through all the email addresses? HBK: Sure. (looks under the seat for the remote control; pulls it out, then stares in disgust at his hand.) Alright, I wanna know WHO put the gum under my seat. (HHH, Bret, and X-Pac all snicker and shrug their shoulders.) Attachment: Forwarded Message CC: recipient list not shown: ; X-Pac: All names changed to protect the innocent. Any connection between any kind of sense is purely coincidental. From: "Charlene Sanford" HBK: Howie? Oh God, PLEASE don't let this be another 'Backstreet Boys RULE!!!!!" post... Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Your phone will ring after u read thits! HHH: Thits? What the... HBK: Know what it sounds like? HHH: When did you suddenly get Kid's mouth? HBK: I was going to say mits. What were YOU thinking of, oh fearless leader? HHH: Nothin'. And Bret's the leader, not me. Only person that would lay claim to *you* is your own mother. X-Pac(grumbling): And a certain little Nitro Girl reject... HBK: What was that, Kid? X-Pac: Nothin'. (I swear! goodluck!!=) Bret: Shoot me now. HBK: Ah, we've survived worse than this. Bret: How long have we been here, anyhow? HBK(near tears): I don't know. Date: Wed, 05 Apr 2000 17:16:54 EDT HHH: This is like in that movie. X-Pac: What movie? HHH: You know, that movie...with the guy. And the chick. X-Pac: Groundhog's Day? HHH: Yeah! Bret(truly stupified): How the HELL did he know that? HBK(going from amazed to frightened): I'm not entirely sure. But then again, it's Kid. His mind is messed up. X-Pac: Yeah, well, you are the company you keep. *** HBK: The Imperial Fleet? From: LRS52886@cs.com Bret: Lars? HBK: If Master of Puppets starts playing in the background, I'm going to be scared. To: Thundergirl107@cs.com HHH: Thundergirl, huh? Should we play shrink and dive into her psyche? All: Nah. Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 15:39:54 EST X-Pac: So this lil' ditty's been circling for one whole week, eh? No one's killed it yet? I'm surprised. Subject: Fwd: Your phone will ring after u read this! (I swear! goodluck!!=) HHH: It's that movie! I knew it! In a message dated 3/29/00 3:33:15 PM Eastern Standard Time, Als gummi writes: HBK: Als gummi? Bret: Just...Leave that one alone. << << << << << << HHH: Ducks! I'm 13 years old, and i X-Pac: am a moron. wished that my dad would come home from the HBK: whorehouse. HHH: You DID get 'Pac's trucker mouth! I knew it! Bret: Now there's a frightening thought. army, HBK: Eh, same difference. Bret: OUCH! because he'd been havin' problems with his X-Pac: Crackwhores. HHH: HEY! I'm tryin' to play the censor here! I don't need you tryin' to make things harder on me, alright? heart and right leg. It was about 2:55 p.m. that I'd Bret: realized what a miserable existence my life is, then I did the only decent and honorable thing- I killed the chain letter. All(singing): Common sense killed the chain letter star! Common sense killed the chain letter star! made the wish. Around 3:08 p.m. (13 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there he was, luggage and all!! * Katie X-Pac: This, boys and girls, is Satan. He's packin' up and movin' in, coming to a town near you! HHH: Just send on a chain letter, and within thirteen minutes, your doorbell will ring six hundred and sixty-six times, and when you open it, you'll see the Prince of Darkness himself! For $9.95, you can purchase your own copy of "Satan and Me: The Handbook for Living with Evil." (MiSTer appears again, grumbling to herself): I bet he leaves the toilet seat up and clogs the shower drain with all that hair! Damned jerk. HBK(looking around): I believe we've hit a nerve with the MiSTer. Bret: Good! DIE!!!!!!! You put us on this blasted satellite! DIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (X-Pac tackles Bret) X-Pac(frantically): Shut up! Shut UP!! She writes fanfiction, too, you moron! You wanna get put in a threesome with Viscera and Bob Backlund? (Bret's eyes widen, and he shakes his head fearfully) Then shut your mouth and stop insulting her! (MiSTer pats X-Pac on the head) MiSTer: Good pet. I'm 15 and my boyfriend and i had just HBK: Should I... HHH: No. broken up. so i wished that we'd get back together. Bret: Why? If you broke up, things weren't that good anyhow. X-Pac(staring at Bret): Bretski...Are you suggesting that she uses common sense? Bret: Well, yes. (All, save for Bret, break into laughter) it was 9:28 p.m. at 9:43 p.m. HHH: She screamed when she found Satan himself making a house call at her door. HBK: His name? Bill Gates. X-Pac: Steve Case. Bret: Eric Bischoff. All(except for Bret, shivering): You win. the phone rang, which kicked me off-line. It was my boyfriend and now we're together. * Maria HHH: Together forever...when an ax murdered appeared at your door! Bwahaha! HBK: Well...Someone didn't have his Fruit Loops this morning! Hey you guys, i know you hate these stupid chain letters, Bret(eyes wide): She can see us? but they really work! (All begin to boo and throw stuff at the screen; X-Pac screams and begins to kick as Bret picks him up and starts to throw him, as well.) at least this one does! HHH: Oh, I see. It's different with this one. HBK: Why? HHH: How should I know? (i swear)!!! X-Pac: So do I, biyatch! HBK: Don't think that's what she meant, Kiddo. When i got it, i thought "oh man, just another stupid chain letter, Bret(bitterly): Welcome to my world...Biyatch! X-Pac: Yes! He's been corrupted! but i tryed it anyway(cuz i Bret: Am an idiot and felt the need to inflict needless pain on innocent others. I can believe it. was bored). Then my wish came true! It really did you guys, i PROMISE you!!! X-Pac: Lil' Missy is awfully pushy. So who's she trying to convince? Believe me... this really works!! HHH: ALRIGHT, already! We get the point! Just scroll down to the end, but while u do... HBK: Gouge your eyeballs out for making such an ass of yourself. make a wish. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true (ex. you are 15 years old, it will take 15 minutes for your wish to come true). HHH: Ever noticed these things are always targeted towards 15-year-olds? X-Pac: Probably 'cause they're the ones that usually make these things in the first place! If u don't send this to 20 people in 20 minutes, Bret: God bless you. (SHAME ON YOU!!) you will have bad luck for 20 years!! X-Pac: Well, damn. I've had bad luck for twenty-SEVEN years. I knew I shoulda sent that letter I got... Go!!!!!!!! HHH: Where?! * ** *** All(singing): One little, two little, three little asterisks... **** ***** ****** All(singing): Four little, five little, six little asterisks... ******* ******** ********* All(singing): Seven little, eight little, six little asterisks... ********** All(singing): Ten little asterisk stars! Bret: Well then. Now that we've relived Blues Clues, let's do something productive, shall we? *********** ************ ************* ************** *************** **************** ***************** ****************** ******************* ******************** ********************* ********************** *********************** ************************ ************************* ************************** *************************** **************************** ***************************** ***************************** ****************************** ***************************** **************************** *************************** ************************** ************************* ************************ *********************** ********************** ********************* ******************** ******************* ****************** ***************** **************** *************** ************** ************* ************ *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * HHH: The stars? A snowy hill we went skiing on. That little single star at the bottom? That's Sean when he slid fifty yards flat on his ass! X-Pac: Screw you. HHH: Nah. Shane would get mad at me! X-Pac: You have no proof. ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ********* ********** *********** ************ ************* ************** *************** **************** ***************** ****************** ******************* ******************** ********************* ********************** *********************** ************************ ************************* ************************** *************************** **************************** ***************************** ***************************** *************************** ************************* ************************ *********************** ********************** ********************* ******************** ******************* ****************** ***************** **************** *************** ************** ************* ************ *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * HHH(snickering): Clumsy brat. Can't even stay on his feet for five seconds. Bret: You would know how much time he spends on his back... HHH(Suddenly serious, leaning over to look down the seats to see Bret): You implyin' somethin' down there, Bretski? ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ********* ********** *********** ************ ************* ************** *************** **************** ***************** ****************** ******************* ******************** ********************* ********************** *********************** ************************ ************************* ************************* ************************** *************************** **************************** ***************************** ****************************** ***************************** **************************** *************************** ************************** ************************* ************************ *********************** ********************** ********************* ******************** ******************* ****************** ***************** **************** *************** ************** ************* ************ *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** **************************STOP!!!!!!!!********************** HBK(singing): Whoaoaoaoa..You drive me, crazy baby... Bret(muttering): I don't know what it is with this guy and his Britney Spears obsession... X-Pac: He goes for the plastic bimbo types. He married one. HBK: Did NOT! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HHH: You are now a certified idiot! Your wish will now come true in however old you are of minutes!! HBK(staring blankly at the screen): What? Now follow this, carefully.... it can be very Bret: Confusing. After all, we know how complex chain letters can be... rewarding!!! Bret: From a chain letter? Shyeah. Alright, now all as you have to do is send this to: HHH: NO ONE! For the love of all that is holy and right in this world- X-Pac: And cherry cough drops! HHH: PLEASE don't send this email on! PLEASE, we're begging you! (a single tear runs down his cheek as he grabs the camera and looks into it) PLEASE, we're honestly, TRULY begging you! SAVE US! (pauses, grins) Hi, Mom! 10 people- only half of your wish will come true..C'mon! you can do better than that! X-Pac: Yeah! Harass all the people in your address book! We encourage senseless violence! 20 people- GOOD JOB!! Bret: You've now EARNED your title as a loser! Your wish will probably come true! HBK: Probably? What the Hell kind of reassurance is that?! 30 people- Your wish is determined to come true!! HBK: Oh, I see. You have to upgrade to get the deluxe guaranteed package. Is NOTHING sacred? YOUR GOING TO BE SO HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS! > >> >> > >> Bret: I'd be even happier if these chain letter people learned proper English... HBK(turning to face his comrades): So, boys and girls, there's a lesson to be learned with every story. What's our lesson today? HHH: Eric Bischoff is the devil? Bret: You can buy a copy of "Satan and Me" for $9.95? (voice lowers as he winks at the camera) But just between us, you can get it for $4.99 at Amazon. X-Pac: Lars is the Devil. When he is not on tour, he spends his time harrassing people with chain letters. HBK: Very good. Now let us go watch wrestling tapes and eat pizza and get drunk. HHH: Yes, we are your all-American- Bret: NOT! HHH: family. Goodnight, everybody! [Exit Theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [End]